pearls clutched

Michigan Just Cannot Get Enough Vaginas

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

do i dare to eat a peach?Michigan just cannot stop being ridiculous. State Rep. Lesia Liss, the only female Democrat to vote for the recent package of anti-abortion bills you may have heard about, was so overcome with the vapors following the utterance of the word vagina, her husband had to speak on her behalf. What does Mark Liss’ wife, the actual elected official, think about Eve Ensler and the ladies of the Michigan Legislature (2013 calendars available in time for the holidays!) performing The Vagina Monologues at the Michigan Capitol tonight?

Mark Liss, husband of state Rep. Lesia Liss, D-Warren, said both he and his wife objected to some of the language in this week’s abortion debates. Lesia Liss was unavailable to comment.

“The irony is, Lesia loves the play,” Mark Liss said. “We’ve actually been to see it, and I said, ‘When are we going to the Penis Monologues?’ “

Very “penetrating” insight, Mark Liss!

Oh wait, no it isn’t.

You know why, Mark Liss? Because no one is trying to legislate wangs.

Time was, modern men and women had a kind of unspoken arrangement about these things. When women wanted to discuss their changing bodies, men went to the bar. To watch a game. With a plate of buffalo wings and a cold beer. It was a really good system. Also, women and their gynecologists were allowed to privately make vagina-related medical decisions.

Sadly, the Michigan legislature screwed up this arrangement with that no more filthy vagina talk you stupid whores policy.

Sponsored Intermission

So, thanks Michigan House Republicans. You’ve ruined everything. Because of your dumb speech codes if men ever want to get laid again, instead of watching a game, they’ll have to pretend this Vagina Monologues spectacle is moving and inspiring. Some of us were really looking forward to tonight’s Yankees-Braves match-up on ESPN.

And, yes, it’s absurd and vulgar to equate the curtailing of reproductive rights to a televised baseball game. However, since Lansing doesn’t care about the former, maybe the latter will get their attention. [Detroit Free Press]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You see, if you would just keep women locked up in the basement cooking and doing laundry, you don't have to put up with their filth.

    • freakishlywrong

      Or do what the Chinese do and shoot them in to space.

      • DaveJ

        (For science.)

      • ChernobylSoup

        If you ask me, they're taking that one child policy a bit too seriously.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Yeah, but if they have one of their 28 day infections up there, won't they get blood all over the Earth?

    • actor212

      It's hard to get dirty when you're doing laundry all the time.

      Unless the machine is out of balance, of course.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Can't have the machine out of balance, that will just cause them to think of their vaginas, and defeat the whole purpose.

  • el_donaldo

    Walking on the beaches, looking at the peaches …

    • actor212

      Wanna shake that tree…

    • James Michael Curley

      with the rolled up the leg breeches …

    • sullivanst

      And just what were they Strangling when they wrote that one?

      • MittBorg

        Choking. Something fowl. Might've been a chicken.

    • Mumbletypeg

      What a great song. Brilliant use of it in the opening of Sexy Beast and making me want to see it again.

    • viennawoods13

      Movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches…

  • ChernobylSoup

    Lansing Vajayjays need a MLB franchise and maybe everyone can calm down..

    EDIT: Google tells us that Lansing already has the Lansing Lugnuts minor league team. I find that very offensive.

    • actor212

      What do you have against Lugnuts?

      I've often had to lug nuts. Bitch wouldn't put out, stuff backs up.

    • supernoun

      My womanly brain exploded from the offense of the word "lugnuts." Won't somebody please think of the children?

      • actor212

        "Lugballs" work for you?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, in Michigan, the genitalia of a Barbie doll is the ideal? That must pose some difficulties.

    • GeneralLerong

      Yep. Just ask Somali women.

  • edgydrifter

    They should probably start calling them "mystery holes," because folks in Michigan don't seem to know anything about them and want to keep it that way, thankyouverymuch.

    • bikerlaureate

      Mystery Holes is a tourist attraction just west of Saginaw.

  • GhostBuggy

    Yes, well, the GOP line is now that they objected to the comparison of them to rapists when that uppity woman said "no means no" on the floor, not that the word "vagina" was uttered. Which doesn't help them, because A. they're lying, and B. yes, they are like rapists.

    • bumfug

      They're sorta like rapists except most of 'em can't get an erection.

  • bumfug

    It's not just vaginas – Michigan lawmakers have also decided that it's OK to use a ball peen hammer, you just can't tell anyone what it's called.

  • SorosBot

    Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Oh yeah? I'll see your "Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina" and raise you a Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, clitoris, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

      • nonbeliever7

        Mr. Gottfried adds;


      • actor212

        U tern 'is thing silly now…

    • Mumbletypeg

      Some of us were really looking forward to tonight’s Yankees-Braves match-up on ESPN


  • Spurning Beer

    Michigan is starting to get that not-so-fresh odor.

    • CapnRadio

      Which is weird, because apparently it's lousy with douches.

      • MittBorg

        "Lousy" as in "bad," or "lousy" as in "that video clip has more assholes than a 7/11 hotdog"?

  • SexySmurf

    I believe the clinical term for a lady's fun zone is "cookiepuss."

    • GhostBuggy

      And "cookie o'puss" on St. Patrick's Day, or if'n she's Irish.

      • An_Outhouse

        Why is Eve Ensler yelling? or is that her usual inside voice?

        • elviouslyqueer

          Dammit. I was just editing this to sentence case. I will delete and repost in something less shouty.

      • elviouslyqueer

        From the lips of Eve Ensler her own damn, less yelly, self:

        In Great Neck, New York, they call it a "pussycat".

        A woman told me there, her mother used to tell her, "don't wear panties, dear, underneath your pajamas. You need to air out your pussycat."

        In Westchester, they call it a "pookie." In New Jersey, a "twat." There's "powder box," a "poochi,” a "poopi," a "pee-pee," a "poopalu," a "pooninana" and a "piche." There's "toadie," "dee-dee," "nishi," "dignity," "coochie snorcher," "cooter," "labbe," "Gladys Siegelman," "va," "wee-wee," "whorespot," "nappy dugout," "mongo," "monkey box," "pajama," "fannyboo," "mushmellow," "ghoulie," "possible," "tamale," "tottita," "connie," a "mimi" in Miami, a "split knish" in Philadelphia, and a "schmende" in the Bronx.

        Coochie snortcher, y'all.

        • actor212


    • freakishlywrong

      Following this line of thinking, men's wanttangs could also be referred to as "Fudgie the Whale".

      • MittBorg

        Well, not if they were being HONEST about it. More likely "Fudgie the Sprat."

    • Negropolis

      "Ladybusiness" is the clinically correct term, I hear.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Yo, talk to the hand snatch.

  • not that Radio

    "The Penis Monologues" was the first half of the legislative session, before Rep Lisa Brown took the floor.

  • LiberalMantra

    Damn those female whatchamacallits getting us menfolk all distracted from doing things like starting another war and laying off more teachers. (many of which have those whatchamacallits)

  • HempDogbane

    When wangs are outlawed only outlaws will have wangs…

    • Crank_Tango

      You can pry mine from my cold, dead fingers!!!

    • actor212

      Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!

  • Goonemeritus

    Well not all attacks appear to be on lady parts

    • MittBorg

      Self-inflicted don't count.

    • starfanglednut


    • miss_grundy

      I wish more Michigan hillbilly menfolk would shoot their johnsons off. Especially those in the legislature.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Leisa shouldn't be acting like a giant pussy when she hears the word vagina.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Vaginas can talk? I'll need some more chicken wings.

    • actor212

      Careful. Some of them have teeth and can eat those.

    • Gopherit

      It's kind of like Le Petomaine.

  • bureaucrap

    "no one is trying to legislate wangs."

    Maybe that's something the MI legislature needs to start doing. How about "Penile Americans may only discuss cars and beer in the MI Legislature."? That would be a good start.

  • Maman

    Let's just be done with it and render women livestock. Then we won't have to worry about their lady bits except in terms of breeding and calving.

    • MittBorg

      We could just give them a lobotomy and remove the opposable thumbs. Then it shouldn't be a problem.

  • dijetlo

    In my day, we referred to lady bits by their God given euphemisms.
    The bearded clam, cooter and for the gentlefolk and church-goers, the Muffin.
    And we wore onions on our belts because that was the style.
    Dagnab these whipersnappers! Dagnab them, indeed!

    • An_Outhouse

      Who doesn't love a muffin?

    • Buckminster

      I thought it was a leek. I guess we're different in MT.

  • smashedinhat

    I took a little nap where the roots all twist
    Squished a rotten peach in my fist
    And dreamed about you woman
    I poked my finger down inside makin' a little room for a ant to hide
    Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie

  • weejee

    Why does Michigan hate bodybuilding? First they prohibit talking about the snatch, and now it is 24/7 clean and jerk.

  • supernoun

    Everything about this is so fucking stupid I can't deal with it. I actually just can't deal with it. My brain hurts and I'm fucking done, but I will say that although Michigan is very near to my home they will be getting no more money from me, ever. Illinois is the only midwestern state worth contributing towards. Fuck Michigan and fuck Wisconsin and fuck everything about this, the end.


    • fuflans

      rahm and i approve this decision.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Mark Liss should catch Romney's 'Penis Monologues Bus Tour' before it closes in November.

  • didgen

    Sometimes I sit and wish that I had been around for the sixties, those looked like great times. Then again it looks like I was here for the last of the good times after all.

  • Crank_Tango

    You can do the Penis monologue when you take that cock out of your mouth, Mr. DINO.

    • GhostBuggy

      I thought that WAS the penis monologue.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Lesia Liss" is her porn name, right?

  • dijetlo

    If you ladies were brighter you'd all be busy making us sammiches, at which point our mouths would be full and we would be constitutionally unable to enunciate further nin-com-poopery. Or could feed us some muffin, rendering us equally incapable of coherent speech.
    The choice is yours.

  • CapnRadio

    "From your whorish lips to my virgin ears."

  • Schmannnity

    All hell is about to break loose: it's nearly cherry season in Michigan.

  • actor212

    What the fuck is a WATTRICK?

    Is that like a vajayjay?

  • Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    The Penis Monologues, AKA Talking Dicks, can be heard every time Congress is in session.

  • MissTaken

    ♫ Movin' to the country
    Gonna eat a lot of peaches ♫

    • SorosBot

      Great, now you've stuck that song in my head; grr.

      • Mumbletypeg

        I substitute, "Movin' to the city/ Gonna eat a lot of Fruitcocktail®" (it works if you sing that last bit reallyfast)

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          I clicked on that really hoping it was something like what my dirty mind was thinking. Oh well.

    • bonghitforjesus

      I always assumed the singer had a girlfriend named Peaches.

    • doloras

      The peaches came from a can. They were put there by a man.

    • starfanglednut

      Movin' to Montana soon
      Gonna be a dental floss tycoon.

  • An_Outhouse

    According to this movie, its pronounced va-HEE-na.

  • actor212
  • MissTaken

    Mark Liss, husband of state Rep. Lesia Liss, D-Warren, said both he and his wife

    This statement gives my vagina a sad face.

    • actor212

      Pictures or it didn't happen

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Does 'she' make the "sad trombone" queef, too?

      • actor212

        If she says "No, kazoo," I'm so getting line.

  • actor212

    And, yes, it’s absurd and vulgar to equate the curtailing of reproductive rights to a televised baseball game.

    If you kiss her between the strikes, she'll kiss you between the balls.

    • Schmannnity

      What about a foul tip?

      • actor212

        Depends if she keeps kosher or not

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "I'm not concerned about the very poor."

  • GregComlish

    Squeamish closeted legislature is squeamish about vaginae and also closeted.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Damnit, woman, there's man's work going on! Get your ladyparts outta my way! This man must throw his wood upon the road!

  • James Michael Curley

    I'm working on the Mike Gravel solution. Every Wonketter goes up to Lake Michigan and throws in a large rock. Soon the thing floods all the way down to Kentucky.

  • GregComlish

    Also this: The proper pluralization of "vagina" is "vaginae". Wonkette needs to send Jeff Wattrick back to freshen up on his minor in gender studies.

  • Antispandex

    " And, yes, it’s absurd and vulgar to equate the curtailing of reproductive rights to a televised baseball game. However, since Lansing doesn’t care about the former, maybe the latter will get their attention. "

    The Tigers are three games back…in the central. What do they know from baseball? However, more on topic, I was wondering what would happen if the current mood in this country concerning circumcision was was to become an issue. I mean, my dad always told me, "Never let anyone get anything sharp or cold too close to it". Oh, sure, my mom and he did, before I had any say in the matter…See? Just talking about it makes you cringe a little, huh? Now, see what the girls put up with, every damn day?

  • Opportunisticly_Joe

    I said, ‘When are we going to the Penis Monologues?’

    When reached for comment, Mark Liss was too busy
    wondering why there's no White History month
    to provide a comment.

  • Opportunisticly_Joe

    Seriously, Mark Liss is clearly the first person to ever offer this incredibly clever and original insight that has most definitely not been addressed by not only by Eve Ensler's commentary on her work, but actually within the Vagina Monologues themselves, way at the beginning.

  • PhilippePetain

    The Vagina Monologues is just about one of the most abhorrent examples of idiotic consumer feminism on the planet. Sorry. The part that I most clearly remember thinking was completely awful was a passage correlating the ululating of Muslim women with the female orgasm. Fucking ridiculous and offensive as fuck.

  • Dildeaux

    Dirty pic makes Dildeaux hard as a coffin nail.

  • mavenmaven

    You'd think from reading all this that all there is to human reproductive rights is a penis and a vagina.

  • DahBoner


  • Gopherit

    Penis Monologues? That sounds like a story about my brain from the age of 12 til now.

  • Gopherit

    "Mark Liss, husband of state Rep. Lesia Liss, D-Warren, said both he and his wife objected to some of the language in this week’s abortion debates. Lesia Liss was unavailable to comment."

    It's hard to be quoted when you're in the kitchen making Sammiches for Mark.

  • owhatever

    Dear Michigan officials,


    Thank you for your time.

  • HolyCow!!

    Frankly, I got so tired of having to pay for abortions that I had a sex change. It is so much easier to pass judgement on these sluts now that I'm a man.

  • valthemus

    I love how trying to prevent people from talking about sex makes everyone talk a lot about sex.

  • Buckminster

    There's a reason one of the old euphemisms is "the cuckoo's nest." It seems to drive some politicians out of their minds.

  • Negropolis

    Dems already had a 50-37 generic ballot lead here in Michigan before all of this bullshit. Thanks MI GOP for not just handing us back the state house, but putting a nice bow on it.

  • ttommyunger

    Do these twatburgers ever think about ANYTHING but the naughty bits?

  • telecustom1972

    She should have used the Republican-approved term, "Hoo Hoo".

  • Supremectjester

    Please note that when they do the Penis Monologues men from Michigan (Michuganas) call their penis "the lower peninsula."