PEARLS CLUTCHED  1:17 pm June 18, 2012

Michigan Just Cannot Get Enough Vaginas

by Jeff Wattrick

do i dare to eat a peach?Michigan just cannot stop being ridiculous. State Rep. Lesia Liss, the only female Democrat to vote for the recent package of anti-abortion bills you may have heard about, was so overcome with the vapors following the utterance of the word vagina, her husband had to speak on her behalf. What does Mark Liss’ wife, the actual elected official, think about Eve Ensler and the ladies of the Michigan Legislature (2013 calendars available in time for the holidays!) performing The Vagina Monologues at the Michigan Capitol tonight?

Mark Liss, husband of state Rep. Lesia Liss, D-Warren, said both he and his wife objected to some of the language in this week’s abortion debates. Lesia Liss was unavailable to comment.

“The irony is, Lesia loves the play,” Mark Liss said. “We’ve actually been to see it, and I said, ‘When are we going to the Penis Monologues?’ “

Very “penetrating” insight, Mark Liss!

Oh wait, no it isn’t.

You know why, Mark Liss? Because no one is trying to legislate wangs.

Time was, modern men and women had a kind of unspoken arrangement about these things. When women wanted to discuss their changing bodies, men went to the bar. To watch a game. With a plate of buffalo wings and a cold beer. It was a really good system. Also, women and their gynecologists were allowed to privately make vagina-related medical decisions.

Sadly, the Michigan legislature screwed up this arrangement with that no more filthy vagina talk you stupid whores policy.

So, thanks Michigan House Republicans. You’ve ruined everything. Because of your dumb speech codes if men ever want to get laid again, instead of watching a game, they’ll have to pretend this Vagina Monologues spectacle is moving and inspiring. Some of us were really looking forward to tonight’s Yankees-Braves match-up on ESPN.

And, yes, it’s absurd and vulgar to equate the curtailing of reproductive rights to a televised baseball game. However, since Lansing doesn’t care about the former, maybe the latter will get their attention. [Detroit Free Press]

 
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{ 114 comments }

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm

You see, if you would just keep women locked up in the basement cooking and doing laundry, you don't have to put up with their filth.

freakishlywrong June 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Or do what the Chinese do and shoot them in to space.

DaveJ June 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

(For science.)

ChernobylSoup June 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

If you ask me, they're taking that one child policy a bit too seriously.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Yeah, but if they have one of their 28 day infections up there, won't they get blood all over the Earth?

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

It's hard to get dirty when you're doing laundry all the time.

Unless the machine is out of balance, of course.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Can't have the machine out of balance, that will just cause them to think of their vaginas, and defeat the whole purpose.

el_donaldo June 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Walking on the beaches, looking at the peaches …

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Wanna shake that tree…

James Michael Curley June 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

with the rolled up the leg breeches …

sullivanst June 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

And just what were they Strangling when they wrote that one?

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Choking. Something fowl. Might've been a chicken.

Mumbletypeg June 18, 2012 at 2:25 pm

What a great song. Brilliant use of it in the opening of Sexy Beast and making me want to see it again.

viennawoods13 June 18, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches…

ChernobylSoup June 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Lansing Vajayjays need a MLB franchise and maybe everyone can calm down..

EDIT: Google tells us that Lansing already has the Lansing Lugnuts minor league team. I find that very offensive.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

What do you have against Lugnuts?

I've often had to lug nuts. Bitch wouldn't put out, stuff backs up.

supernoun June 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

My womanly brain exploded from the offense of the word "lugnuts." Won't somebody please think of the children?

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"Lugballs" work for you?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

So, in Michigan, the genitalia of a Barbie doll is the ideal? That must pose some difficulties.

GeneralLerong June 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Yep. Just ask Somali women.

edgydrifter June 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

They should probably start calling them "mystery holes," because folks in Michigan don't seem to know anything about them and want to keep it that way, thankyouverymuch.

bikerlaureate June 18, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Mystery Holes is a tourist attraction just west of Saginaw.

GhostBuggy June 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Yes, well, the GOP line is now that they objected to the comparison of them to rapists when that uppity woman said "no means no" on the floor, not that the word "vagina" was uttered. Which doesn't help them, because A. they're lying, and B. yes, they are like rapists.

bumfug June 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

They're sorta like rapists except most of 'em can't get an erection.

bumfug June 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

It's not just vaginas – Michigan lawmakers have also decided that it's OK to use a ball peen hammer, you just can't tell anyone what it's called.

SorosBot June 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

BaldarTFlagass June 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Oh yeah? I'll see your "Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina" and raise you a Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, clitoris, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

nonbeliever7 June 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Mr. Gottfried adds;

Clitoris

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

U tern 'is thing silly now…

Mumbletypeg June 18, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Some of us were really looking forward to tonight’s Yankees-Braves match-up on ESPN

SAN FRANCISCO VAGIANTS OR GTFO

Spurning Beer June 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Michigan is starting to get that not-so-fresh odor.

CapnRadio June 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Which is weird, because apparently it's lousy with douches.

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"Lousy" as in "bad," or "lousy" as in "that video clip has more assholes than a 7/11 hotdog"?

SexySmurf June 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I believe the clinical term for a lady's fun zone is "cookiepuss."

GhostBuggy June 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

And "cookie o'puss" on St. Patrick's Day, or if'n she's Irish.

An_Outhouse June 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Why is Eve Ensler yelling? or is that her usual inside voice?

elviouslyqueer June 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Dammit. I was just editing this to sentence case. I will delete and repost in something less shouty.

elviouslyqueer June 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

From the lips of Eve Ensler her own damn, less yelly, self:

In Great Neck, New York, they call it a "pussycat".

A woman told me there, her mother used to tell her, "don't wear panties, dear, underneath your pajamas. You need to air out your pussycat."

In Westchester, they call it a "pookie." In New Jersey, a "twat." There's "powder box," a "poochi,” a "poopi," a "pee-pee," a "poopalu," a "pooninana" and a "piche." There's "toadie," "dee-dee," "nishi," "dignity," "coochie snorcher," "cooter," "labbe," "Gladys Siegelman," "va," "wee-wee," "whorespot," "nappy dugout," "mongo," "monkey box," "pajama," "fannyboo," "mushmellow," "ghoulie," "possible," "tamale," "tottita," "connie," a "mimi" in Miami, a "split knish" in Philadelphia, and a "schmende" in the Bronx.

Coochie snortcher, y'all.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

RED SNAPPER LIBEL!

freakishlywrong June 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Following this line of thinking, men's wanttangs could also be referred to as "Fudgie the Whale".

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Well, not if they were being HONEST about it. More likely "Fudgie the Sprat."

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 3:12 am

"Ladybusiness" is the clinically correct term, I hear.

BaldarTFlagass June 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Yo, talk to the hand snatch.

not that Radio June 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

"The Penis Monologues" was the first half of the legislative session, before Rep Lisa Brown took the floor.

LiberalMantra June 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Damn those female whatchamacallits getting us menfolk all distracted from doing things like starting another war and laying off more teachers. (many of which have those whatchamacallits)

HempDogbane June 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

When wangs are outlawed only outlaws will have wangs…

Crank_Tango June 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

You can pry mine from my cold, dead fingers!!!

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!

Goonemeritus June 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Well not all attacks appear to be on lady parts
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/?s=shot+penis+michigan

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Self-inflicted don't count.

starfanglednut June 18, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Dayum!

miss_grundy June 18, 2012 at 11:03 pm

I wish more Michigan hillbilly menfolk would shoot their johnsons off. Especially those in the legislature.

ManchuCandidate June 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Leisa shouldn't be acting like a giant pussy when she hears the word vagina.

RedneckMuslin June 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Vaginas can talk? I'll need some more chicken wings.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Careful. Some of them have teeth and can eat those.

Gopherit June 18, 2012 at 2:52 pm

It's kind of like Le Petomaine.

bureaucrap June 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

"no one is trying to legislate wangs."

Maybe that's something the MI legislature needs to start doing. How about "Penile Americans may only discuss cars and beer in the MI Legislature."? That would be a good start.

Maman June 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Let's just be done with it and render women livestock. Then we won't have to worry about their lady bits except in terms of breeding and calving.

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

We could just give them a lobotomy and remove the opposable thumbs. Then it shouldn't be a problem.

dijetlo June 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

In my day, we referred to lady bits by their God given euphemisms.
The bearded clam, cooter and for the gentlefolk and church-goers, the Muffin.
And we wore onions on our belts because that was the style.
Dagnab these whipersnappers! Dagnab them, indeed!

An_Outhouse June 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Who doesn't love a muffin?

Buckminster June 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I thought it was a leek. I guess we're different in MT.

smashedinhat June 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I took a little nap where the roots all twist
Squished a rotten peach in my fist
And dreamed about you woman
I poked my finger down inside makin' a little room for a ant to hide
Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie

weejee June 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Why does Michigan hate bodybuilding? First they prohibit talking about the snatch, and now it is 24/7 clean and jerk.

supernoun June 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Everything about this is so fucking stupid I can't deal with it. I actually just can't deal with it. My brain hurts and I'm fucking done, but I will say that although Michigan is very near to my home they will be getting no more money from me, ever. Illinois is the only midwestern state worth contributing towards. Fuck Michigan and fuck Wisconsin and fuck everything about this, the end.

Vagina.

fuflans June 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm

rahm and i approve this decision.

Mittens Howell, III June 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Mark Liss should catch Romney's 'Penis Monologues Bus Tour' before it closes in November.

didgen June 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Sometimes I sit and wish that I had been around for the sixties, those looked like great times. Then again it looks like I was here for the last of the good times after all.

Crank_Tango June 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

You can do the Penis monologue when you take that cock out of your mouth, Mr. DINO.

GhostBuggy June 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I thought that WAS the penis monologue.

freakishlywrong June 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"Lesia Liss" is her porn name, right?

dijetlo June 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

If you ladies were brighter you'd all be busy making us sammiches, at which point our mouths would be full and we would be constitutionally unable to enunciate further nin-com-poopery. Or could feed us some muffin, rendering us equally incapable of coherent speech.
The choice is yours.

CapnRadio June 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

"From your whorish lips to my virgin ears."

Schmannnity June 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

All hell is about to break loose: it's nearly cherry season in Michigan.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

What the fuck is a WATTRICK?

Is that like a vajayjay?

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

The Penis Monologues, AKA Talking Dicks, can be heard every time Congress is in session.

MissTaken June 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

♫ Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches ♫

SorosBot June 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Great, now you've stuck that song in my head; grr.

Mumbletypeg June 18, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I substitute, "Movin' to the city/ Gonna eat a lot of Fruitcocktail®" (it works if you sing that last bit reallyfast)

Butch_Wagstaff June 18, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I clicked on that really hoping it was something like what my dirty mind was thinking. Oh well.

bonghitforjesus June 18, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I always assumed the singer had a girlfriend named Peaches.

doloras June 18, 2012 at 8:21 pm

The peaches came from a can. They were put there by a man.

starfanglednut June 18, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a dental floss tycoon.

An_Outhouse June 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

According to this movie, its pronounced va-HEE-na. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0811106/

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm
MissTaken June 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Mark Liss, husband of state Rep. Lesia Liss, D-Warren, said both he and his wife

This statement gives my vagina a sad face.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Pictures or it didn't happen

BaldarTFlagass June 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Does 'she' make the "sad trombone" queef, too?

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

If she says "No, kazoo," I'm so getting line.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

And, yes, it’s absurd and vulgar to equate the curtailing of reproductive rights to a televised baseball game.

If you kiss her between the strikes, she'll kiss you between the balls.

Schmannnity June 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

What about a foul tip?

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Depends if she keeps kosher or not

Mittens Howell, III June 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"I'm not concerned about the very poor."

GregComlish June 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Squeamish closeted legislature is squeamish about vaginae and also closeted.

randcoolcatdaddy June 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Damnit, woman, there's man's work going on! Get your ladyparts outta my way! This man must throw his wood upon the road!

James Michael Curley June 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I'm working on the Mike Gravel solution. Every Wonketter goes up to Lake Michigan and throws in a large rock. Soon the thing floods all the way down to Kentucky.

GregComlish June 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Also this: The proper pluralization of "vagina" is "vaginae". Wonkette needs to send Jeff Wattrick back to freshen up on his minor in gender studies.

Antispandex June 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

" And, yes, it’s absurd and vulgar to equate the curtailing of reproductive rights to a televised baseball game. However, since Lansing doesn’t care about the former, maybe the latter will get their attention. "

The Tigers are three games back…in the central. What do they know from baseball? However, more on topic, I was wondering what would happen if the current mood in this country concerning circumcision was was to become an issue. I mean, my dad always told me, "Never let anyone get anything sharp or cold too close to it". Oh, sure, my mom and he did, before I had any say in the matter…See? Just talking about it makes you cringe a little, huh? Now, see what the girls put up with, every damn day?

Opportunisticly_Joe June 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I said, ‘When are we going to the Penis Monologues?’

When reached for comment, Mark Liss was too busy
wondering why there's no White History month
to provide a comment.

Opportunisticly_Joe June 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Seriously, Mark Liss is clearly the first person to ever offer this incredibly clever and original insight that has most definitely not been addressed by not only by Eve Ensler's commentary on her work, but actually within the Vagina Monologues themselves, way at the beginning.

PhilippePetain June 18, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The Vagina Monologues is just about one of the most abhorrent examples of idiotic consumer feminism on the planet. Sorry. The part that I most clearly remember thinking was completely awful was a passage correlating the ululating of Muslim women with the female orgasm. Fucking ridiculous and offensive as fuck.

Dildeaux June 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Dirty pic makes Dildeaux hard as a coffin nail.

mavenmaven June 18, 2012 at 2:18 pm

You'd think from reading all this that all there is to human reproductive rights is a penis and a vagina.

DahBoner June 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm

O.

Gopherit June 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Penis Monologues? That sounds like a story about my brain from the age of 12 til now.

Gopherit June 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

"Mark Liss, husband of state Rep. Lesia Liss, D-Warren, said both he and his wife objected to some of the language in this week’s abortion debates. Lesia Liss was unavailable to comment."

It's hard to be quoted when you're in the kitchen making Sammiches for Mark.

owhatever June 18, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Dear Michigan officials,

Vagina.

Thank you for your time.

HolyCow!! June 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Frankly, I got so tired of having to pay for abortions that I had a sex change. It is so much easier to pass judgement on these sluts now that I'm a man.

valthemus June 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I love how trying to prevent people from talking about sex makes everyone talk a lot about sex.

Buckminster June 18, 2012 at 8:56 pm

There's a reason one of the old euphemisms is "the cuckoo's nest." It seems to drive some politicians out of their minds.

Negropolis June 19, 2012 at 3:10 am

Dems already had a 50-37 generic ballot lead here in Michigan before all of this bullshit. Thanks MI GOP for not just handing us back the state house, but putting a nice bow on it.

ttommyunger June 19, 2012 at 6:37 am

Do these twatburgers ever think about ANYTHING but the naughty bits?

telecustom1972 June 19, 2012 at 8:04 am

She should have used the Republican-approved term, "Hoo Hoo".

Supremectjester June 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

Please note that when they do the Penis Monologues men from Michigan (Michuganas) call their penis "the lower peninsula."

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