NO  4:10 pm June 16, 2012

OMG, Michigan, Can You Stop Being Awful For Like Five Seconds?

by Jeff Wattrick

Between the gay-hating paranoid that is the mayor of Troy, the vagina-hating legislature banning the word vagina (but not cunt), and this guy, Michigan has very clearly spent this past week trying to make Mississippi look tolerant and Arizona look progressive.

The Great Lakes State isn’t even done yet because this is happening:

Tensions flared Friday evening at the annual Arab International Festival in Dearborn as members of a Christian missionary group taunted Arab-Americans with a pig’s head and signs that promoted hatred of Islam.

“You’re gonna burn in hell,” one Christian missionary shouted at a group of young Arab-American boys listening to him speak on Warren Avenue, where the festival takes place. The festival continues today in Dearborn, but the group of missionaries with the hateful signs and pig’s head won’t be there because they’ll be protesting a gay festival in Ohio, said Arab Festival organizers.

For what it’s worth the Arab Festival is a standard middle America street carnival with a couple rides, moderately rigged midway games, and fried dough sold in units of tickets that (for no good reason) must be purchased at a different stand. Since it’s an Arab festival, it does attract local Arab Muslims. It’s also attended by metro Detroit’s Christian Arab population who, like their Muslim brethren and every other decent human being on the planet, probably don’t want their summer family carnival marred by assholes playing Lord of the Flies.

This thing is so Americana that last year the CIA set up a recruiting booth. You know, because our national security apparatus might better protect us if people working for them speak the language and understand the culture of people who are our enemies.

How can we as a nation convince a (largely immigrant) ethnic population that America is their friend and they should help the government hunt down and kill the same Medieval fundamentalists that motivated many Arabs to immigrate here in the first place? Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s have some  homegrown real ‘Merican Medieval fundamentalists ruin a perfectly innocent, Mayberry-like street carnival.

Go Michigan! [Detroit Free Press]

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flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Jesus loves you, Christards, but everyone else thinks you're assholes.

boobookitteh June 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Pretty sure at this point even Jesus hates these dickwads.

Maman June 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Particulary since Jesus was Jewish and wouldn't have been thrilled to deal with the pigs head either

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Something Christians seem to forget with ease. I got sent to detention for pointing this out in Catechism class as a yoof. What's to detain? Jesus was a fuxcking Jew for fuck's sake, that's a FACT, not something you can punish out of children.

Geminisunmars June 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Yah, but he converted.

ShreditorsDesk June 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Jesus runs from them when he sees them in an alley.

doloras June 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Jesus is in hiding from them in the afterlife.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Can you blame him? They crucify their enemies.

american__mutt June 17, 2012 at 12:13 am

Imaginary, Space, Zombie Jew loves you. Strange how that makes some people comfortable.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:55 am

Well, if nobody *else* loves ya, it sounds like a pretty good deal.

Edith_Prickly June 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

Actually, I think the reason Jesus has not yet returned as promised is that he doesn't want to get within a million miles of these reichtards.

opchahar June 19, 2012 at 7:03 am

Is it any wonder most really good jobs have left?
Along with the people qualified to do them?
If this keeps up, the place will be like that old Bob Dylan song, "Anyone with any sense had already left town."

Barb June 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm

They need to return the pig's head back to the studio or Bristol won't have a stand-in for her new show on Tuesday. Takes forever to block the shots when your chin is so big.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Is that a pig's head in the picture? I thought is was Bristle's fat ass.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Oh my LOL! Wicked bad.

redarmybarbie June 18, 2012 at 2:42 am

For a moment I thought this was a post on Limbaugh.

Reginald_Perrin June 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
Mahatma Gandhi

SudsMcKenzie June 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Michigan should just have a Gay Muslim Vagina Pride Parade.

Any "float" ideas?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Storm Large with a giant representation of a vagina, blaring "My Vagina Is Eight Miles Wide," and yes, I'd do her in a hot minute.

SudsMcKenzie June 16, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I was picturing a giant vagina made of roses and hummus covered in a Joseph and the amazing technicolored dreamcoat burka blaring Xenas "alalalalalala'.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Bring me the roses and it's a done deal.

jqheywood June 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Oh man, I saw her with Pink Martini at the Kennedy Center a while back. She was filling in for their female lead singer who was out with vocal cord problems. She has serious pipes! And she came out in a slinky Hollywood starlet gown that, well, just . . . wow . . .

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Yes she does, she's a mighty tasty looking lady. I could eat her with a spoon.

slamtundra June 16, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Or sop her up with a biscuit, as my old compadres in Deep East Texas used to say.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I do not think this idea has sufficient internal stability to make it even half a block.

SudsMcKenzie June 16, 2012 at 7:00 pm

yes, it could be the "Jake Cutler" of parades. ohh, did i say Jake, its just sooo easy to forget the names of Bears quarterbacks, … cause, you know.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

That is the most non-sequitur reply I have ever gotten. Congrats, Sir or Madam!

SudsMcKenzie June 17, 2012 at 12:13 am

so do I pick up my prize in Oslo, or the Hague?

I just miss football Chet ….

American concussion stuff, not that commie crap

american__mutt June 17, 2012 at 12:14 am

You should search for that phrase.

NeonVincent June 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Counting on Rule 34?

tessiee June 17, 2012 at 12:22 am

Something involving a canoe with a little man in it?

BoatOfVelociraptors June 17, 2012 at 12:40 am

Row row row your boat…

SudsMcKenzie June 17, 2012 at 1:40 am

I'm with you so far, please to continue.

SudsMcKenzie June 17, 2012 at 1:53 am

Ahhh, Vern Troyer in a canoe and the effigy of ghost Breitbart and Mike Myers yelling "BEHAVE", .. gayly.

I've been to too many gay pride parades to think this couldn't happen.

tessiee June 17, 2012 at 12:23 am

"Any "float" ideas?"

A Gay Muslim vagina, two scoops of ice cream, and some root beer?

SudsMcKenzie June 17, 2012 at 1:59 am

with just a spritzer of lime.

BarackMyWorld June 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Oh, someone just make the upper peninsula a separate state for the crazy people already.

ShreditorsDesk June 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Canada might object.

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Noooooooooooo, I live in the UP. We have enough crazy people already, thank you.

Terry June 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

And you only have about three weeks of warm weather.

GhostBuggy June 16, 2012 at 9:45 pm

And they typically have more guns, as well.

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

You know, I wish that the Lower Peninsula was more like the UP, these days. The Republicans down here are basically moving closer and closer to the Republican Party, while Yoopers of all political varieties are basically the same as they ever were. Yeah, you guys got your own problems and quirks, but their endearing. The creeps, down here, are just getting more vile and wish to turn Michigan into Georgia or some shit. No state pride, whatsoever.

Vecchiojohn June 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Such a state already exists. Deport them to Idaho.

trampndirtdown June 16, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Hey now, we've been relatively quiet for a while now.

BerkeleyBear June 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Only because the real crazies there have been bunkered down and cut off from society for years now.

hippie13 June 18, 2012 at 7:57 am

If that worked there would be the Christian state of Kansas and 49 happy and productive states.

MissNancyPriss June 26, 2012 at 3:35 pm


bumfug June 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Wait til Romney shows up with his bus honking its horn, just to fuck up the music.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Did you read the story about how the Dems showed up to a Romney rally today and he chickened out and changed locations to avoid them? Look the crowd he drew with that genius decision.

Maman June 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

What a pussy

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Oh, that's just wonderful. He could fit the whole crowd on the bus (well, a few might have to ride on the roof).

Barb June 16, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Hey Bobbert! Bill Maher said last night:
The difference between a Mitt Romney bus and a Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound ON THE SIDE.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm

To paraphrase DU: "Bwahahahaha".

bumfug June 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Yeah, I saw that. Great strategy, dipshit – hold your rallies at an undisclosed location.

MissNancyPriss June 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

At a freaking WAWA!!

ibwilliamsi June 18, 2012 at 9:45 am

So, he sends campaign workers to heckle David Axelrod, but when he hears that a group of REAL VOTERS might show up and disrupt his speech he chooses "run away"? Can you imagine the kerfuffle at a State of the Union Address? He'd have to hold it at the IHOP parking lot in Rockville, just to be safe.

ibwilliamsi June 18, 2012 at 9:40 am

Can we keep Lake Michigan?

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I know it's way too early in the thread to OT, but I just couldn't pass on this other Detroit Free Press |||penis story.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Jesus Christ, pdog. You sound way too happy that Chester shot his dick off. Cause you know, a Glock, taking a big bullet right that "through and through" the peepee means only one thing: Mrs. Chester's gonna need to buy an extender.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Equally OT, but the "Cop dies during 3-way sex; widow wins $3M lawsuit" looks worth a click.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Well? Go read it and report back already!

James Michael Curley June 17, 2012 at 7:17 am

The cop was 31 and had severe atheroschlerotic coronary artery disease. Too many doughnuts, way too many.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I'm tellin' ya. At that age, his arteries should've been healthy, pink little puppies.

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 10:03 am

The jury found that the doctor was 60% liable for his death, for not specifically warning the guy not to engage in threeways in airport motel rooms. That which is not forbidden is allowed.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Well, to be fair, it was "engage in any form of strenuous exercise," which CAN include threeways in airport motel rooms with a woman not your wife. Although, if you go about it right, sex with your lawfully wedded mate or partner can be pretty damn strenuous and acrobatic. Man had no imagination and the dining habits of a pig. I feel sorry for the doctor.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Glocks are notoriously pubic hair-tri*gered.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Pity Clarence doesn't own one.

DemmeFatale June 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm

It's NEVER too early for a good penis story.

BerkeleyBear June 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm

That is horrifying, but somehow the lede is still buried. WTF is an HVAC tech doing packing a Glock on the job, let alone packing it in the front of his pants? I'm guessing this guy is just a gem in oh so many ways.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

He had just started the job when he shot his dick off. First day.

The RWNJs are gonna be SO torn on this one. Defend him because Second Amendment? Or mock him for being a unionized worker trying to get on disability?

flamingpdog June 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I bet this bozo now wishes he had had a detachable penis.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Thanks, pdog, that's a *perfect* Sunday song!

Chow Yun Flat June 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm

One of the many odd aspects of this story is that the 300 block of Wimbleton in Birmingham must be one of the safest places in Michigan–the only real danger there is being run over by soccer moms driving two ton SUVs while talking on the phone and telling little junior in the back seat to shut up.

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm

This guy was just won an honorable mention in the Darwin Awards ceremony. Serves him right. If this guy would have showed up at my house, I'd have called the company and told them to send out another tech, and if it took another day, so be it.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Truly. Not only is he dumb enough to bring a gun on the job, he's dumb enough to blow his dingus off with it.

gurukalehuru June 17, 2012 at 2:54 am

Guns don't kill penises. People kill penises.

Buckminster June 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

Thank heavens he didn't hit the femoral artery. I just hope he hasn't procreated already, as he should definitely be the end of the family line.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm

No more "reckless discharge" for him.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

No more "discharge" of any sort, yawannabet?

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Wrecked 'em? Hell, it killed 'em. (old joke department of non-sequitarial punch-lines.)

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm

One of my faves, dear.

BlueJoubert June 18, 2012 at 11:35 pm

THAT IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD TODAY. Sorry for screaming, but that is too hilarious. Now if all the other pistol totin' will make the same mistake ….. Thin the herd.

StealthMuslin June 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Oh for gosh sakes, Michigan! Women! Gays! Arabs! Pick one and hate! Focus, dammit!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Don't forget Latinos! Blacks! Poorz!

They've got so many to hate, it's hard to choose!

Barb June 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

MittBorg, what are ya wearing?

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Out his welcome?

(Jus' kiddin', MB)

Barb June 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I have to do it in a lower and sexy voice over the phone for him to answer me.
MittBorg, what are you wearing?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

(sniff! sniffle! Sob. BAWL)

You hate me, you really, really HATE me!

Spurning Beer June 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

A serape-dashiki-trashbag is my guess.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Not a trashbag lungi, or a singlet, like old chinese men wear rolled up to show their big ol' stomachs?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Underroos. It's sticky-hot here, and I'm kinda exhausted from weeding. Inspections start today, and I can hear my neighbours going nuts with their tree-trimmers. Haha, ya lazy slackers!

Barb June 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I'm going to put on my Underrroos after I take my shower.
Did you get everything cleaned up outside?
Something at my morning glories and I am annoyed..

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I just hauled (what I hope is) my last load of needles and oak leaves off to the compost dump. Our inspections don't start until July 1, so, unusually for me, I'm slightly ahead of the game.[1]

But I'm already tired of this mutherfucking global warming up here in the mutherfucking foothills.[2]

[1] Except I still gotta do some trimming

[2] Actually, 95F isn't that odd for mid-June, but last summer we just had lovely moderate temperatures throughout the whole season, while the rest of the country was in flames, and I got spoiled.[3]

[3] I have a downstairs where I can retreat for 70F-ish, but I am OUT OF BEER, so I must expose myself to sunlight yet again.[4]

[4] I do realize what a wimp I must seem to Wonkers who live in places like Tucson and AlbuQQ.[5] I lived in the Bay Area for 37 years because of the fucking Mediterranean climate, okay?

[5] Also, this is really running on, but I'm having fun with it, so please humor me.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Inspections! Where do you live, that they're inspecting your landscaping?! Stand your damned lawn!!

ColonelDoctor June 19, 2012 at 12:24 am

You guys are really cute.

barto June 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Those Christian missionairies sure know how to recruit for their religion, don't they? Wow, sign me up! I love taunting people just like Christ did all the time. Good times!

mwittier June 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

First Bush, now they've put Newt's head on a spike! That's going too far!

No way the spike can take that weight.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Newt's head is spiked; Callista's heels are spiked.
The Gingrich's are spiked from top to bottom.

tessiee June 17, 2012 at 12:27 am

Maybe Callista's drinks are spiked, and that's how she endures Noot's company.

poorgradstudent June 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Wait until someone explains to the neocons among them that Arabs are Semites too.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

FTA: [S]ome kids started throwing water bottles and pop cans at the missionaries. Others chanted “Allah-U-Akbar” (God is the greatest). One of the Christians shouted in response “Jesus Akbar.”

At least these Christians are as culturally and biblically literate as most other Christians… which is to say, "not".

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Jesus Fucking Akbar.

LionHeartSoyDog June 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"It's a trap!"

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I thought it was Jeff & Akbar- did they split up?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Oh, you like that strip too.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

For better or worse (mostly worse, I'm guessing), LIH was a formative influence.

Dashboard Buddha June 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I knew a Jesus Akbar.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I do not envy this poor child.

Or did he do it to himself?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Has Michigan forgotten it's in the NORTH? Or is the hatred just growing and getting worse?

Dr. Nick Riviera June 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

It's picked up bad manners from Indiana

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm
MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Talk about a War on Christmas, pdog!

Sassomatic June 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Well, as it turns out, both the northern area of the country and the southern area are home to stupid hateful people, in the same amounts. It's almost as if one's geographical location is not the primary determiner of one's intelligence and personality.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Imagine that! My flabber, my good sir, is gasted.

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 10:58 pm

in the same amounts

This part simply isn't true, but the rest of it is. For Michigan/Wisconsin/fill-in-theblank, this is an abberation, down South, this is the rule. The other difference being that down South, this how they get elected. Up here, they are forced to hide their bigotry or carefully couch it to get elected, and only when in power do they unleash it.

Dr. Nick Riviera June 16, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Yeah, I somewhat doubt that you'd get a poll in Wisconsin or Michigan showing a quarter of their populations opposing interracial marriage. Is everybody in the South a bigot? Absolutely not. Is everybody in the North not bigoted? Absolutely not. But are there more bigoted people in the south? Well, you can't read people's thoughts, but there certainly are more vocal bigots in the South. I can't think of any northern states that would have something as offensive as a confederate flag flying.

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 1:03 am

A confederate flag is not a good barometer of local bigotry, since only people in the South have a good excuse for flying it.

no_gravity June 17, 2012 at 11:10 am

Never been to Southern Illinois, have you?

flamingpdog June 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Unfortunately, some folks like to pretend they're Confederates. The other day I was "driving" along a highway in Western Colorado using Google Maps street view, and right after I crossed the Colorado/Utah state line into Utah, there was a Confederate flag along the side of the road. I've seen a few, in person, in Colorado, too, also.

Nothingisamiss June 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

You know, MB, I don't know if the hatred is getting worse…but it feels that way to me and it's harder and harder to get out of fucking bed in the morning.

Rotundo_ June 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Very much so. It seems stupid is metastasizing and spreading in a very out of control fashion. I am thinking that taking up drinking may be a reasonable thing to do.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Hey, Rotundo, I hear what you're saying my friend. However, as a person who did take up drinking to deal with this shit, I gotta tell ya: hangovers suck.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

(Hugs Nothingisamiss) It feels that way to me too, sweetie, but we gotta get back to the frontlines. This is our fight. We may be the last generation that knew what "middle class" meant, and we need to ensure the oligarchy doesn't just ride to victory in this one.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Sadly, Faux Snooze propaganda is available nationwide. Likewise, Internet access to hater web sites. Not a force for good, IMO.

ManchuCandidate June 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Ohio St gets more love in Michigan than US Amercians of Arab Descent.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm


Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

i peed myself at "US Amercians"

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 11:03 pm

If I'm to be honest, it seems to be folks out-of-state that have the most problem with Michigan Arabs. Within state, they are seen as just another ethnic group, courted by Dems for votes and money (they are more wealthy than the general population) and largely ignored by the Republicans. "Detroit" is still the biggest boogeyman in Michigan.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Partner informs me that Arabs have lived in Michigan for over a century now. Thank you for that information.

Negropolis June 18, 2012 at 12:34 am

Apart from the continued immigration, Arabs are now basically what the Polish were a century ago. Many of them are now basically considered culturally "white" in the metro area, anyway, especially if they are Christians. They came for the same reason that a whole lot of other immigrants did to Metro Detroit: the automobile industry.

The "new" immigrant group now rising in the metro are Indian Hindus.

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Oh, my. How interesting. There really is so much to learn, every single day.

Is there a Druze or Maronite community of any size among the Arabs?

Interactions between the Indians and the Arabs should be interesting. All that cultural and religious baggage.

Doktor Zoom June 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Haw haw, I bet some of the protesters also walked their dogs, cuz muslins just hate dogs.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

If the "Crhistian" protesters were walking their dogs, I guess that would make it a regular dog and phony show.

doloras June 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Trufax: in Iran, dog ownership has gone way up, since ordinary Iranians found that owning a dog is a good way to keep the religious cops away from your home.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Apparently, it depends. The Afghanis, for example, were granted an exemption for their beautiful hunting windhounds.

ShreditorsDesk June 16, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Was the CIA there again for this stunt?

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Not so long ago, some would have claimed these crackers were the CIA.

Sassomatic June 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Next week they are going to a Taco Bell to spread hate against Mexicans.

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Russell Pearce has already put it on his calendar.

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 11:06 pm

God, I'd protest with them if they were going to protest Taco Bell. Truly, it is an abomination before the Lord.

Maman June 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Jesus was always breaking up everyone's fun. He made wine to get everyone drunk and start fights, right?

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm

And remember his tiff with the money changers in the Temple? He took on Wailing Wall Street!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:59 pm


BoatOfVelociraptors June 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

More like OTT. Occupy The Temple. You down with OTT?

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I would be cool with a unification of the Members of Eternal Life with Occupy the Temple, to form MEL OTT.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Because of you, I have formed a permanent relationship with Google. You think EVUHbody knows baseball?

Maman June 18, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Yah you know me!

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 4:49 pm

So, this missionary / performance art group is on tour? I don't envy the roadie in charge of the pig's head.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

That is so disgusting, in more ways than one. I mean, set aside the sheer logistics of it, where the fuck do you GET a pig's head? Isn't it pretty filthy and germy, as much as most human heads would be unless freshly washed? In the course of decomposing, will it not attract such delightful insect life as flies, which will leave behind eggs that will hatch and turn into maggots? How long are they planning to keep the damned thing around?

And what a boatload of trouble to go through simply to be disagreeable.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm

When I was a budding anatomist back in my undergraduate college days, I almost bought a sheep's head off the shelf at the international market in downtown D. C. just for the skull.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Food is food, and scientific experiments is scientific experiments. It's fine to have a head around for anatomical purposes but I'd be forced to murder you in public if you put it in my food refrigerator. I mean, I compost blood, bones, and small dead animals in my garden all the time, but I'm pretty careful to keep the compost bins wired up right and at the proper temperature/moisture/ratio to decompose things without stunking up the whole damn garden.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

You wouldn't have liked the frig at my graduate school offices. The frig part was full of lunches and the freezer was full of roadkill.

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 11:24 pm

And what a boatload of trouble to go through simply to be disagreeable.

"We can disagree without being vivisectional"

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I understand from a fellow commenter that at least 33.3% of everything you say is a reference to The Simpsons. I am now going to Stand My Ground and demand a further explanation.

PS: Hugs to NotSoLittleSuzyNotThatDeweyRadio.

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 11:57 pm

I think your friend might be exaggerating. 4.7%, tops.

It was actually a perversion of Barry NOBAMA's quote that "we can disagree without being disagreeable", which he used to defend his choice of Prick Warren for the inauguration ceremony. I thought it was appropriate in the context of Insane Christianists. The Googles indicated that this phrase originated with Zig Ziglar.

So there.

not that Radio June 18, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I counted at least half a dozen Simpsons references that OTHER people made today. I made none*. [raspberry]

*probably because I'm self-conscious about it now

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm

"it's still good; it's just a little airborne"

Chichikovovich June 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Since Michigan, filled (as recent events show it to be) with hypocrites, misogynists, liars and penis-shooting morons needs no outside assistance in the self-condemning department, I'll point out that this "missionary" group – the so-called "Bible Believers" has nothing to do with Michigan. There is no reason to think these people were even from the state. It is a deranged Pentacostal sect that follows the teachings of one "William Bransom", a mid-twentieth century American evangelist. They also publish stuff like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion on their website.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Sounds like the "Bible Believers" don't have much to do with the Bible, either.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm

As the Detroit Free Press story pointed out, too, also, the "Bible Believers" are in Ohio today protesting a gay festival. ROAD TRIIIP!!!1!

Butch_Wagstaff June 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Guess Westboro now has some competition.
Hey, maybe both groups will show up at the same place & start beating each other silly with their signs.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Oh, Butch, you say the *nicest* things!

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I think they are Ohio-based, in fact.

flamingpdog June 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

Now why doesn't that surprise me?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Christ almighty. Is there no end to the idiocy? That particular libel is over a fucking CENTURY old, for the love a mike.

BarackMyWorld June 16, 2012 at 10:19 pm

You know, Wonkette did just have a meet-up in Michigan….that simply CAN'T be a coincidence.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:52 pm

ZOMG. I can just see this Editrix person dusting her hands as she spurns Michigan with one slippered heel "Terror, chaos, and destruction … my work here is done."

swordfis June 16, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Protocols of the Elders of Zion? Wow,what a warhorse. That's like a classical music station playing the Light Cavalry Overture.

fartknocker June 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Purely being speculative, but I have a suspicion, after looking at the Detroit Free Press photo, that everyone of these fine Christians is probably OK with Fred Phelps and his position on gays.

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:32 pm


Joshua Norton June 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm


They keep using that word….

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Yes, they do. And they also use the word "true Christians" to separate themselves from the rabble that do shit like this.

My rule of thumb: "Do you both believe that salvation through Jesus will get you into heaven?" If they both answer yes, then fuck 'em… clean up this goddamn mess you made, and quit being such an asshole to everyone.

jqheywood June 16, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I do not think it means what they think it means . . .

Buckminster June 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

I think they've forgotten the little brown man with the wise words. They think only of armored Breitbart.

Negropolis June 18, 2012 at 12:33 am

I think they've forgotten the little brown man with the wise words.


Yeah, I totally went there. lol

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I don't know, when I was around Bible colleges, "missionary training" consisted of more than just learning how to scrawl hate on a sign and scream until you are red in your white, hate-filled face. But waving a pig's head on a pike is absolutely at the cutting edge of "missionary" persuasive technique.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm

When I was a yoot' and spent far more time around the religious and their institutions, I do not remember my Christian friends being like this AT ALL. All my friends who call themselves Christian seem to believe in doing good works and living by the Golden Rule. These people bear absolutely NO relation to any Christian I've ever met. Shouldn't there be some kind of law about fraudulently claiming another group's identity?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Must have been Methodist. I liked being a Methodist, until I realized all the old people were really atheists. At that point I became an atheist too, and saved 10%.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Catholic, actually, and I'm very impressed by them. They seem to spend all their vacation time "holidaying" in disaster areas doing relief work for orphaned children, the poor, the sick. My mother's geriatrician is one of these guys. He makes shitloads of money, and spends most of his time when he's not working doing "church stuff," which usually means visiting the sick and those in prison, setting up meal programs for the destitute, offering free medical care to those who need it, training doctors at other hospitals. Unbelievable guy.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Republican Jesus does not approve.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Oh, and to answer your last question, I keep saying the same thing. "Good Christians of the world, it's time to employ Occam's Razor. Google it, and then come back here to me."

"Now here's how this works: You need to develop a standardized list of questions that ALL Christians should know by age 30. And they should be taught universally. No more doctrinal / denominational nonsense. Jesus or GTFO."

"Anyone professing to be a Christian, yet being unable to pass with 65% proficiency, should be killed with Occam's Razor."

"Or you can cut to the chase, realize science > religion, and use Occam's Razor to cut that stupid shit out."

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Well, I'm an atheist and have been since I was about nine. However, as much as I trash organized religion out of one side of my mouth, out the other one I gotta say, I understand that people need something in their lives to turn to. It's not for me to say what that should be. If it works for them, that's fine. But I'm really getting tired of all these so-called religious blatantly contradicting their own fucking sacred texts in everything they do or say.

Why, one might almost suppose they'd never read the fucking things.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 7:00 pm

No shit. Once when I was lamenting to my Mormon daughter and son-in-law my disappointment upon reading on Facebook that my high school "mad crush's" favorite book today is the Bible, they told me that most of their friends said the Book of Mormon was their favorite book, but they doubted most of them had ever read it.

aussiefromafar June 16, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Although I am not christian, I know from my contact with them that most christians are not like this. They are quite different from American christians who seem to be infected with a particularly virulent form of right whinge crazy…. Like uber bat-shit-filled crazy.
Where's this rapture they are all waiting for so anxiously so that those normal folk like us left behind can get on with our normal lives?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I'm getting awfully tired of them smearing the good name of the fine people I have known all my life who don't spend their days in hatefests. If any minor deity shows up asking my opinion, I'll be sure to request an advanced calendar fo this fucking rapture of theirs. Take the lot of them, as fast as you can, oh deity!

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

Yes! Rapture or slaughter; your preference, deity.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Occasionally, for the lulz, I will seriously try to put myself inside the head of someone with whom I have fundamental disagreement. (This is not the same thing as my hobby of arguing the other side of issues because I'm a cranky old asshole).

But, in some cases, all you find is vacuum. Like, don't these people realize that Muslim (and Jewish) abstention from pork is a (divinely-prescribed) dietary law, and not an indication that swine are somehow objects of terror or revulsion? Swine are "unclean", yes, but that just means "don't eat 'em", not "recoil in horror".

Certainly, the pig-on-a-stick conveyed the message "we hate you" — which leads to the question: "What is the word for an anti-missionary group"? — but it's pretty weak. Now, a more compelling image would have been a caricature of the prophet with a Hitler moustache.

Of course, then they wouldn't have been able to make their next tour date.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Actually, since human stupidity is the one resource in this world that is NOT in short supply, you would be wrong about this. Thanks to years of being told that pigs are haram, most Muslims have a freaking shit-fit at the thought of physical contact with anything of swinely origin. I grew up with Muslim kids, and one of my favourite childhood pastimes was assuring my poor Muslim friends that they had mistakenly ingested pork or used a pork-containing product. The screaming of Bismillah, bismillah wasn't faked, I'm pretty sure of it.

Nasty critters, kids.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 8:47 pm

No kidding? You have just enlarged my comprehension of the world.

My previous belief was based on growing up in a community that was about 30-40% middle-class Jewish. I can give you first-person assurance that my compadres were neither terrified of pigs nor, in most cases, averse to the occasional bratwurst.

However, I have had only adult contacts with Muslims, and being a fairly polite person in my pre-asshole days, generally didn't interrogate them about their personal relationship with swine.

Thank you for educamating me. This is one of the things that is really cool about our Wonket.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I know a fair number of Muslim adults who aver that there is nothing on this planet that tastes better than pig, in its various forms. But, yeah, I happened to bring a dog on a plane with me back around 9/11, and apparently, the entire Muslim population of the nation was going on hajj right about that time, because the walk through the airport was punctuated with sotto voce "bismillah, bismillah" and some *very* unhappy Muslims. Apparently, many Muslims believe that if they come into contact with a dog, they must immediately purify themselves.

SayItWithWookies June 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

In the heart of every bigot is the deep-seated fear that he's not innately superior to everyone — or, slightly restated, that everyone else has just as valid an existence as he does.

Anyway, bigots — please get over yourself and don't be a bigot all your life. Mostly because I love seeing that moment of realization when you realize everyone else is equal to you and you're no better than anyone. It helps that you're a better person and all too, but mostly I like that moment.

randcoolcatdaddy June 16, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Christian nutjobs have such a full social calendar in the summer between all the street festivals, gay pride parades, Ren Faires, lesbian folk music festivals and witch burnings.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

… Girl Scouts jamborees…

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm


Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Meetings of the Paleontological Society. (Thank goodness there are no more Harry Potter movie openings.)

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm

For many reasons.

arihaya June 16, 2012 at 5:17 pm

apparently only white Nordic Aryans are counted as "Christian" while browns like Melkite and Maronite Arabs are not

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Unless they're being killed/shot/injured by Muslims of the same nationality in their home countries. Then Teh MooseLumps are KEEELING CHA-RISS-CHUNS and it's time for another Crusade.

TanzbodenKoenig June 17, 2012 at 3:39 am

I believe the quote here is, "kill them all, and let God sort them out"

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Memo to Xtards: The government has drones in U.S. skies, and is on a mission to hunt down and kill medieval, hate-filled fundamentalists. Just saying.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 16, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Westboro needs to get to work on those 'God Hates Christians' signs.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 17, 2012 at 11:17 am

Win of the afternoon.

chascates June 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Rebecca, can you use some of the 'drinky' money to send this group to protest in Saudi Arabia? Jesus wold have wanted them to.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Also, too, Wonketteers.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Voices in my head just said "Somalia". Hmm what do you think they meant?

arihaya June 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm

… won’t be there because they’ll be protesting a gay festival in Ohio,

so many people to hate, so little time

a_pink_poodle June 16, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Some of the signs the missionaries held read: "Islam is a religion of blood and murder"

Say the people menacing a bloody pigs head on a pike at others.

coolhandnuke June 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I'm sure he's keeping up on his state's outpouring of crazy–with envy and pride–and the Motor City Madman will blow a gasket of hate (I say on Sunday) just to feel alive.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I'm guessing those zealous slobs threw all the garbage on the sidewalk too? What's to like about… people?

Butch_Wagstaff June 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Gotta fuel your crazy cult protest party with Big Macs & sugar water, dontcha know.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I think the kids hurled soft drink bottles and cans at those assholes. I don't blame them. Untidy, but necessary.

Estproph June 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Who says they're people?

johnnyzhivago June 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I am SO going to taunt the participants and visitors to the next Renaissance Festival around here! Rot in hell you witches and blasphemers!!!!

glamourdammerung June 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Religion of Peace.

chascates June 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Cosmic justice:
Michigan man shoots himself through the penis while adjusting gun

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 5:59 pm

You know, you don't actually have to die to earn a Darwin Award.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Not in his case. You just need to get out of the gene pool.

Unfortunately, he missed his babymakers.

SudsMcKenzie June 16, 2012 at 6:15 pm

"reckless discharge', tehe

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 16, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Guy shot himself with a Glock? How embarrassing. Real men carry a SIG Sauer, chump.

Steverino247 June 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

If only other penises were carrying, this tragedy could have been prevented.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm

If other penises were carrying, this guy would already be dead because he's such a huge fucking dick, and you know dicks don't like competition.

Dashboard Buddha June 16, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Michigan has a Stand Your Gonad rule?

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Okay, now I am not Neilist (by a long shot *badoink*) , but if my metric conversions are correct, a .40 cal Glock is, in fact, a 10 mm Glock, which is the kind of thing you take hiking if you're worried about encountering wild boars, not rampaging air-conditioning ducts.

Also, to have an "accidental discharge" with any pistol, you pretty much have to have it cocked, and you certainly must have a round in the chamber.

Actually, this is a feel-good story, because the fucking moron didn't hurt or kill somebody else. Yay.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

It sure seems like I read a lot of "Man shot while cleaning gun" stories. I'm not a gun aficionado, but I DO know that when you clean a gun, well, it's pretty hard to do with a bullet in the chamber. Further, if you clean guns that are even just loaded, you're dumb.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"Man shot while cleaning gun" is HILARIOUS. Also, impossible.

Well, unless you decide to just clean the part of the barrel in front of the bullet.

Even then, how do you cock the motherfucker?

I normally read "man shot while cleaning gun" as "Man shot while practicing quick draw".

Antispandex June 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I, personally, feel that pork is nasty. That may be because it give me the runs, I'm not sure. However, if the "christians" want to anger their god by being in contact with swine flesh, who am I to argue? I'm still wondering about that whole, "I'm against the homasextials 'cause it's in the Bible" line of reasoning though. Can someone explain?

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 6:08 pm

The old testament (Leviticus in particular) has a hundred or two things that supposedly shall earn you an unpleasant death at the hands of the righteous. The Xtards just pick and choose whatever appeals to their prejudices, and ignore the stuff they like to do themselves. They like fried pork chops, but they don't like gay people, so there you go.

I notice they don't go around murdering adulterers. Draw your own conclusions.

Dashboard Buddha June 16, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Polyblend to HELL!

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:54 pm

"I notice they don't go around murdering adulterers."

Telling people in countries where AIDS is rampant that condoms don't do anything could perhaps be considered murdering "fornicators", or at least letting them die horribly in a way that could have been prevented.

sharethegrief June 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I have a fundie brother-in-law who has a doctorate in Old Testament studies and teaches at a scary seminary in Maryland. He hates the gays, women who are not subservient and he's highly suspicious of all non-Xtians. He's an enormous man, 6'3 and weighs about 350 lbs. One day I'm going to ask him about that gluttony thing in the Bible where it commands you to put a knife to your throat.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Good heavens, are we really expected to SHARE our dwindling earthly resources with such a glutton? Off with his head! (I wouldn't say this if he wasn't such a hatey-hater.)

sharethegrief June 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm

He's in town and because he's married to our sister who was left on our porch as a baby, I swear, we're having dinner with them tonight. I'll count the entrees and give you the total later.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

You need to divorce that sister. All of you. If you all join hands and surround them and repeat "We divorce you," maybe she'll go away and take him, and his gluttonous maw, with her.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 9:16 pm

So, in most disciplines, to successfully achieve a Ph.D., you are expected to produce some original work in your field of study. The amount of originality may not be very large (it could be, for instance, a different proof of something that is already known to be true), but it is crucial.

How the hell do you get a "Doctorate" in the Old Testament?

Spurning Beer June 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Many non-fundamentalist scholars believe that the biblical injunctions were aimed mostly at ritual male prostitution in pagan temples, not at the wiggling-around-in-excrement business itself. So it was things like child sacrifice, tattoos, witchcraft, and the other trappings of Baal worship the Leviticals were abominating.

And to put it in context, lobster newberg and cotton-polyester blends are among the other abominations of the same rank.

To press the point, there are suggestions in some of the more ancient Old Testament stories that it was considered good manners for a host to offer a guest a daughter to diddle, or a son if he preferred. Hospitality was extremely important.

viennawoods13 June 16, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Yes, Lot offered his virgin daughters to the mob to rape instead of the angels, and that made him a good man. And after the family had fled and mom turned into a pillar of salt, his two daughters took turns getting him drunk and getting pregnant by him, and that was just fine too. So… heterocexual rape and incest were AOK.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Lewis Black has a hilarious take on the Old Testament that chastises Fundie Christians for not understanding why it was written in the first place.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:07 am

Pdog, that is fucking hilarious!

flamingpdog June 17, 2012 at 12:42 am

You might like the follow-up clip.

tessiee June 17, 2012 at 12:41 am

Lewis Black and Louis C.K. are awesome. Maybe the name Lewis or Louis indicates awesomeness, the way the names Rick, Scott, or Rick Scott indicate suckfulness.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Or "John Wayne" as first and middle names usually seems to indicate some kind of serial killer. Chuck Shepherd has an entire collection of people with the name "John Wayne" who have committed horrendous crimes.

MosesInvests June 17, 2012 at 4:12 am

"It's not their fault-it's not their book." Love it!

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I've always wanted to ask a Christian, preferably one with some sort of ecclesiastical authority, why on earth they have anything at all to do with the Old Testament, when it has nothing to do with them. The so-called old testament is the history of the Jewish people, really. It IS their fucking book. So ya didn't like it, ya called it old, ya called yourselves new, so why are you even paying attention to anything written in there? It's nunya goddamn business, get on with your own damned book!

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I'm sorry, but I have to take issue with the concept that pork is nasty. Generally, I love pork and pork-related foods.

Oh, wait. That was your personal opinion.

Never mind.

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:50 pm

"I'm still wondering about that whole, "I'm against the homasextials 'cause it's in the Bible" line of reasoning though. Can someone explain?"


Fred_Wertham_Jr June 16, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Henry Ford never even thought of waving a pig's head at those dagnab Jews. He's kicking himself right now.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I'd venture to guess that while Henry Ford is certainly enjoying a well-deserved kicking in his current quarters, it is our Biely who is delivering said chastisement, not Henry himself.

A thought which makes me unutterably happy.

Ms_Anthrope June 16, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Sounds like a successful mission trip! How many muslins did they convert?

Antispandex June 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

You catch more flies with a pigs head than you do with honey and / or vinegar?

arihaya June 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

the worst missionary position ever

Fare la Volpe June 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

The shittiness of Tennessee followed me to Michigan.

This is God's way of telling me to move to California.

Spurning Beer June 16, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Betty White and Arnold Schwarzeneggar are trying to tell you that, too.

rickmaci June 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

We welcome all immigrants from AmeriKKKa with open arms, minds and hearts.

Fare la Volpe June 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm

open arms, minds and hearts

Among other things.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Yeah, I was gonna say that, but you beat me to it.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Stay away from Colorado for a few more years. Things are definitely getting better here, but the Lambornanistas haven't quite been subdued yet.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

It's like we are playing Colorado Whackamole.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Getting rid of Lamborn himself would be a huge improvement. With votes, of course. With votes.

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Good cheese comes from happy cows!

Fare la Volpe June 17, 2012 at 4:59 am

Trufax, I know one of the women who does those cow voices. She says that every time some new producer gets Peter Principled up the ranks into managing the campaign, the bastard makes her re-audition for the part even though she was one of the original actresses and writers for it.

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 9:20 am

Well, of course he does, stupid fucking advertising morans. There's no power trip quite like a junior advertising executive power trip. There must be some laboratory somewhere where people can get over-inflated senses of self-importance installed when they go into that line of work.

More trufax: Mrs Dewey and I used to work in advertising, and it was destroying our souls, believe it or not, so we got out. Working with voice-over talent always felt to me like forcing hostages to read "my captors are really treating me well" messages. Here are these trained, experienced actors, who are largely forced by circumstance into shilling for Kraft or Chrysler or Tampax, trying to find something to like about saying "Did somebody say McDonald's?", just to get a paycheck. And don't even get me started on the poor saps who have to read pharmaceutical disclaimers.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

So did I! And I used to do voice-overs. And yes, it really is soul-eating. Trying to convince people that they want stuff that they have no earthly need for. Wasn't there a Cyril Kornbluth story titled Marching Morons that just perfectly encapsulated that?

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I know you know that in Corporate America, the dicks in upper management have to mark their territory as soon as they take office. This means pissing all over whatever went before so, you know, everyone can tell they've been there. Assholes. All of 'em.

Chet Kincaid June 18, 2012 at 9:32 am

Probably not something she wanted posted, since that is very specific…

Fare la Volpe June 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

Considering she talked about it on live radio too, I don't think a little comment on this dog and pony show is going to do much.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Stay towards the coast.

Actually, even in most of the Valley, shit like this would be unexpected. The barrier between Central and Coastal Cali is semi-permeable.

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

Uh-oh, sounds like a Jonah type of situation. The Lord may be preparing a Great Fish in Lake Michigan.

Negropolis June 18, 2012 at 12:51 am

So that's what the Asian Carp are for! I knew it was a plot!

Build (another) danged, underwater fence, Illinois!

Chet Kincaid June 18, 2012 at 9:38 am

The latest scheme I saw on the local news is to catch them further south and sell them back to China, where they are reportedly a delicacy. Which is weird, because one of the Chicago papers tried to get some local chefs to make something edible out of the gilled vermin, and they failed miserably.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

C'mon over, baby! Just make sure you bring a pallet of sunblock.

Jadetiger79 June 17, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Don't do it. It's my home state and I barely escaped intact. I ran as far as I could.

rickmaci June 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Welcome to Michissippi.

Putting the Trash back into White.

GeneralLerong June 16, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Michissippi? WIN!

sharethegrief June 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm


GhostBuggy June 16, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I've said it a million times, here and elsewhere: Michigan is the south of the north. Also, a pal o'mine over in Ypsilanti (near Ann Arbor) has coined the term "Ypsitucky."

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Hoosier libel!

Michigan may have temporarily lost it's mind, but Indiana has been crazy, forever. Indiana is the only Northern Great Lakes state where it is not uncommon to see a Confederate flag on a pick-up.

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 1:14 am

Indiana's only got a tiny bit of Great Lakes beach, and everybody south of Gary sounds like a goddamned hick, so let's revoke their membership in the Association.

Nostrildamus June 18, 2012 at 1:37 am

M-I-C: C what bigots we are?
H-I-S: S-pecially cuz we hate you!

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I don't want to be alarmist…but….here in So. Arizonastan, big grey things have covered up the sun, and are shooting some kinda stuff down, that then disappears.

Nothingisamiss June 16, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Ummm…….I think you're having a better night than I am.

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 8:52 pm


flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Don't worry none, the sun is still hard at work. It has just disappeared behind its cubicle rugwalls for a while.

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Scary shit. Then there was some loud noise and the stuff wasn't diappearing anymore, discoloring the roads and houses, running off the roof , a little foamy….Bud Light?
I dunno. It's over now. I've heard of a secret DoD base that does stuff like this…..

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

For god's sake, don't touch it to your lips. It's fucking addictive.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

And WHATEVER you do, don't touch it with your penis! It makes it way bigger and then you're forced to purchase all new custom pants to accommodate the enormous bulge. It'll put ya in the poorhouse.

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Uh oh. It has an earthy taste, plus a hint of eucalyptus and mesquite, with sort of a lingering, tarry finish.

GhostBuggy June 16, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Strangest damn things. They're man-made. Little damn things, smaller than my fist – but they're new!

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

How cheap IS that stuff in AZ, anywho?

So Tired June 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I lost whole groups of people to hate when I renounced religion. There's a lesson there I think.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Like, friends and fam just started hating you?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

I dearly miss a tiny amount of people now that I've left religion.

But they wouldn't leave with me, so fuck'em. The oxygen they breathe is tainted.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

And what do you suppose the lesson is?

rocktonsam June 16, 2012 at 8:20 pm

please don't come to Madison,

go to Janesville Monday when mittenz, walker and ryan are there in a plant that Bamz saved probably

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Fucking Janesville. Centroid of Ryan worship. These people couldn't think rationally if you spotted them two integers and a division sign.

spinozasgod June 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm

we just moved to the madison area, middleton to be exact. ok place to live?

SudsMcKenzie June 17, 2012 at 12:21 am


I'll take my Madison with a side of Monona though thank you.

ttommyunger June 16, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Heh, heh…The Gingrich mask on the pig's head was a nice touch.

shortsandpants June 16, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Thank GAWD for Michigan. They are protecting us from those VIOLENTLY PEACEFUL, neutral BOMB-MONGERS of the Great White North. We cannot handle the massive influx of Canadians running over the border every hour, on the hour, every day. We cannot be distracted from the ideals of ridding them away— that Michigan, with its thriving (read: utterly defiled) manufacturing base and HIGH QUALITY automobile manufacturing centers that make no money for anybody, constantly lay off their employees, and suck the shit out of that sweet, sweet government subsidy teet, desperately need to be PROTECTED from the likes of non-militant, friendly Muslims who really just want to buy every rental unit in Dearborn to make a living. That is how Michigan will be saved.

Sharkey June 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Wait, they stole that from Primus, didn't they.

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm

OT re: $$$
Maybe someone has already suggested this in another thread, but that girl who was posting photos of lunches is taking-in some serious cash.
Just sayin…..

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Requiem en pacem, old thread.

TribecaMike June 17, 2012 at 12:39 am

Well, there's 19 years of repressed memories shot to hell.

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm

First, let me just say that I saw this in the Free Press, today, and was both horried and disgusted. Yeah, and it's Christians that are being persecuted, right? Fuck off, rednecks. Second, I'd like to formally welcome Jeff. I enjoy (most of) your work at your other job. Third, I am so, so, so very glad that these bastards will be humbled in November when their black "muslin, Indo-Kenyan usurper" president wins a second term and the dems take back the Michigan State House.

Lastly, to all of your out-of-state fuckers – and that includes you "Bible Believers" – tormenting our Arab population here in Michigan: Get out. Get the hell out, and stay out.

BTW, as Jeff kind of alluded to, Dearborn has a lot of Arabs…and not all of them are Muslims. In fact, up until fairly recently, most of them were Lebanese Maronite Catholics. When you take the entire population of Dearborn into account (Catholic Poles and such), Dearborn is still a Christian-majority city. So, I'd like to award "Bible Believers" and their ilk an Epic Fail.

Negropolis June 16, 2012 at 10:55 pm

BTW, I'm waiting for a statement from Muslim state rep. Rashida Tlaib on this. No, for reals. She has some of the best statements, either righteously indignant in tone or hilariously snarky, and sometimes both.

DustBowlBlues June 16, 2012 at 10:56 pm

It's like the whole world wants to be Oklahoma.

fartknocker June 17, 2012 at 12:28 am

Dust Bowl

While I may be from Texas, I have strong roots in Oklahoma. I graduated from OK State and still have family in the state. Part of Oklahoma's issue is that they have the casinos which alienates communities not near the reservation. They have also suffered the boom-bust economy of the oil and natural gas industry and the unpredictability of farming several times in my life. Right now it's a boom with fracking.

The larger problem is a lot of Oklahoma is like Texas post LB Johnson for older folks. I remember my dad (from Bartlesville) tell me that the GOP was the Party of the Bankers and Democrats was the Party of the N-word. I still remember my Mom telling me that was wrong as a young child. To this day, even in liberal bastion Austin, I still here these words. When will we let this go?

If it helps you, I feel your pain.

Steverino247 June 17, 2012 at 1:42 am

OOOOOOKlahoma where the shit still substitutes for brains…

ColonelDoctor June 19, 2012 at 12:26 am

This is why I bailed at 19. I didn't do a lot better (Ohio), but still.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I'd like to buy the world an OK
In perfect infamy…

DustBowlBlues June 16, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Thumbs up on that, my fellow member of the wonkettarriat

(Put that added R there because I thought it looked cool.)

I've been doing shopping and cleaning for Father's Day dinner tomorrow while the old man sits around and watches teevee about poker and war. I do not remember Mother's Day as having begun a day early.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm

What are you cooking for Father's Day dinner?

TribecaMike June 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

Another Father's Day, another "The Longest Day" marathon… ;-)

I might listen to the Felines playing "Daddy Walk" about thirty times in a row……!

radio-of-owls June 16, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Of the last ten, six.

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 11:32 pm

That seems implausibly low. Are you sure this isn't just small-number statistics?

Barb June 16, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Are you a dad, Radio-of-Owls? If so, I hope you have a wonderful Father's Day!

Negropolis June 17, 2012 at 1:08 am

I put myself through hell to go look at the Bible Believesrs website, and they are the fringe of the fringe. And, they don't just hate Mooslins, either…

Church of Christ

The religious sect known as the "Church of Christ" has many peculiar and aberrant doctrines that are contrary to the word of God. It is a most deceptive and dangerous cult. Their teaching of baptismal regeneration is an age-old heresy that has damned millions to hell, and is still doing so today. The idea that they are the one, true and restored church of Jesus Christ puts them in the same league with the Mormon and Roman Catholic churches.


While Buddhism teaches morals such as avoiding killing any creature, stealing, adultery, lying, corrupt speech, freed, anger and ignorance it is rooted in the teaching of a man who never claimed to be God (or a god) nor did he claim to be a prophet of God.The question that remains to be answered for 2500 years is "if a man is uncertain of his future can he be trusted with your future?"Buddha was quite uncertain about where he would go when he died and his remains can still be found in Kusinara at the foot of the Himalayan Mountains while in contrast Jesus Christ defeated the grave and can be found in heaven and in your life!

These are just two examples. They go on about Islam, "The Jews", Mormonism, Calvinism, abortion, tattoos, Christian Rock, Catholicism, the "true" meaning of baptism…oh god, make it stop!

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:42 am

According to the charming commenters at the linked site, they have not been denatured, but have been treated with a chemical that is apparently removed by soaking in hot soapy water.

Steverino247 June 17, 2012 at 1:53 am

I'll see your pig on a stick and raise you:

ElPinche June 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

Needs moar ScarJo ass shot

DahBoner June 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

Jesus of Galalee: Love Thy Neighbor

American Republican Jesus: What Channel is Redneck Island On?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 17, 2012 at 9:14 am

A waste of a pigs head by the pig headed. Kind of ironic and a whole lot of stupid.

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 9:35 am

Oh, come on. It's still funny.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

It's your delivery. It's hilarious.

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

OT: Rupert Murdoch instructed Tony Blair "not to do anything that would delay the start of the Iraq invasion"

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

WTF. Where does this end?

Negropolis June 18, 2012 at 12:40 am

I never got the apology for the guy on this side of the pond after we knew he was bought-and-paid for. And, now, he's jetting around the world as some kind of "ambassador" to the Middle East. He lost me the minute he hooked up with Bush.

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

Now it's Father's Day, and everybody's wounded…

(Leonard Cohen, as interpreted by R.E.M. As great as the song is, the production of the Lenny version is kinda cheezy, and I think R.E.M. fixed it.)

Happy Father's Day!

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Happy Father's Day, Dood! Have a wonderful time with your two best girls!

comrad_darkness June 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Meh, just another group looking to get squashed for being hateful bigots so they can sue in return.

It's a living. Of sorts.

hippie13 June 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Also better Kabobs than most street fairs! Go Dearborn! And to be fair I am pretty sure the protesters came up from Ohio…please don't blame us for the tourists, we have enough home grown dickheads.

Tommy1733 June 18, 2012 at 10:51 am

At least the trees are the right height.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

(Hugs the girl) And I was going to go all aspie on you and make a lengthy reply until my funnymeter kicked in.

Butch_Wagstaff June 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Yeah, to Baptist. According to the Baptists.

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I swear I am not making this up…
I wish I *were* making it up…
One of my Sunday school classmates raised this issue in class. She asked Sister if it was true that, as she heard, Jesus was Jewish.
This resulted in an intake of breath and dead silence throughout the class, as if she had asked whether it was true that Jesus was an axe murderer.
Sister's response was, "Yessss… that's true, Lisa, Jesus was Jewish; but then he became a Catholic after the other Jews killed him".

Dashboard_Jesus June 17, 2012 at 4:10 am

y'know after my many years of lurking on Wonkette I never realized you were a Vaginal-Merkan till Mittborg pointed it out…funny how I miss some of the most obvious stuff!

ps-I'm a Gemini too but WTF does the 'sun mars' mean?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Nah, I'm always happy to answer YOU, baby. Unlike SOME prairie rodents around here who might be looking at my shoulder blades ONLY to find a soft spot to plant the knife. (sob!)

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I sent the "Lies My Older Brother Told Me" panel to my siblings, and would you believe, they haven't spoken to me since.

Some people have NO sense of humour.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 16, 2012 at 6:23 pm

For better. Though I admit giving up on Groening once the Simpsons were on the market… and then going back to him lovingly with Futurama.

for a former Pentecostal boy who knew nothing of the real world, Life In Hell and The Boomer Bible were eye-opening experiences.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:07 pm

It was too late to be a formative influence here, but there is no doubt LIH is fucking wack (and I mean that in the best possible way).

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Slightly off topic, but I've had a copy of Groening's Work is Hell at my office for the last 30 years or so. It's helped my through some of the tougher times.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I took a last look around, and it looks pretty good, I think. I hope to god it's over and done with. Yesterday I had to prune the bougainvillea. Climbing up there with a gimpy leg sucks, and then I have to hold on to a concrete pillar with one hand, my clippers with one hand, the bougainvillea with one hand … you see the problem.

Today I rest. Did you try making a cage around the morning glories? I am annoyed right along with you. It's very rude to rip out your hostess' morning glories, Small Furry Life! Is something just chewing off leaves, or killing off the whole plant?

I have tomatoes. A TON of 'em. I'm SO happy!

Spurning Beer June 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Aren't morning glory seeds psychedelic? Maybe it was Occupy hippies that ate them and not rodent-Americans.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Awww, Barb, don't do that to me, just as I was about to go off and do something productive ….

Barb June 16, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Just the leaves are being chewed off. Oddly enough, they stopped eating the moon flower leaves.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Eating a tomato off the vine is one of life's underrated magnificent pleasures.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

My siblings might not have appreciated the panel (I don't remember that particular one), but they wouldn't have stopped talking to me. I hope you have other family who are more tolerant.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Yes, I stopped reading him about the same time. I only have basic cable, so am not familiar with Futurama- will see if I can check it out online, though.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Since I haven't owned a teevee since forever, I've never seen the Simpsons. Or Futurama, whatever that might be. I'll bet all of this stuff is available online these days, innit?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Interesting. So whatever the problem is, it prefers one plant species to another. If you're positive it's not snails or slugs, try taking a damaged leaf or stalk to your Extension. They should be able to tell you what pests in your location might show a preference for morning glory leaves. Odd, since the leaves of the moonflower (which is related to sweet potato, IIRC) ought to be the preferred edible. I would get some hardware cloth, which is very very fine wire, and plant the plant inside a cage of that, with a mulch of crushed rock or diatomaceous earth. The hardware cloth should eliminate anything too big to crawl through the tiny holes, and the diatomaceous earth (you can purchase it at any gardening supply store or through the InterNetz) should get rid of any soft-bodied bugs pronto. I believe the top national (maybe even international) expert on nonpoisonous bug control, or IPC, is right around where you live: Richard Fagerlund, who writes the Ask The Bug Man column, syndicated nationally. So if the problem is not amenable to either of my proposed solutions, perhaps drop him a line? You'll find him here.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I have never seen such unChristian Christians as these.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Given that, apart from the beauty of the language and poetry in the KJV, and the very erotic Song of Solomon, the wholly babble is basically the history of a desert tribe's struggles in its early days, I can't image why anyone (except a language- or history-obsessed reader) would. The book of Moron doesn't even have *that* to commend it. It was written by a bunch of grifters and frauds who had no business scamming poor people the way they did. They could pretend to no literary value, why bother reading it?

I don't understand why people get *more* religion-obsessed as they get older. You'd think that age would give them the wisdom to see that they're really clutching at some fabulospondulixed straws.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Yes, it IS. One of them is turning quite rosy. There's a Cherokee Purple with bronzy shoulders, and about a pound of San Marzanos for me to make paste with. Soon I should have a few Black Krims ripening up. Oh, yes. A little mozzarella, some crusty peasant bread, good olive oil, fresh basil off the plant, and blessed TOMATOES.

Beowoof June 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm

It is true there are two things you just can't buy: true love and home grown tomatoes.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I used to be able to do all three levels of the hill in one weekend. Now it takes two months.

[1] It's the Bay Area, you'll be trimming till October.

[2] It's 95? Jesus! I can't remember when it was 95 here in the summer. Maybe it's actually *fall,* and we forgot the intervening drunktime?

[3] In order to retreat downstairs, I must first GET downstairs. This house has a million fucking stairs. I'll stay up here till the sweat congeals.

[4] Yeah, and they probably laugh at us when we refuse to turn on the heat in the winter too. Everybody I know has badly insulated houses and prides themselves on wearing increasing quantities of warm clothing to bed rather than turn on the heat.

[5] Absolutely, man, I'm a gimp, which means that sometimes I can't get around at all, and then the InterNetz is all I have for entertainment. Consider yourself humoured.

UW8316154 June 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I had the ol' tractor out, just cold tractoring around mowing my 5 acres, and a couple for my young neighbor, who doesn't have a tractor (yet). It's fun, relaxing, and when you're done, it looks like you've really *accomplished* something.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 9:21 pm

You must have beer! Run out and get some. It's Saturday night and there is no better time to hoist an oats soda.

jqheywood June 16, 2012 at 11:21 pm

What are these inspections of which you write?

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Well, I have no evidence it was *because* of that panel. (wink)

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 8:03 pm

[1] Actually, it's the mid-foothills (Groveland), so I'll be trimming continuously until I die or move. Fucking manzanita. I'd cut it all down, except that it obscures the view of two neighbors (and their view of each other — if I clear-cut it they'd both shoot me). So I'm treating a half acre of manzanita like a flower arrangement.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I had eucalypts, but I think we got them all. Now I have oaks and pines left. Last winter an oak toppled onto our roof and we had to listen to the creaking all night long as a storm raged and the tree slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y slid off the house.

Manzanitas sound delightful by comparison. I only have one on my hill, and it's being slowly strangled by a climbing rose. As soon as I can climb down there, I'll prune it back to life. Geez, what am I, nuts, I just got done pruning and hauling for three months straight!

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I have a teevee, but none cable, and I've never kept up with anything, but dude? You've never watched an episode of the Simpsons? Thirty percent of comments here on the Wonk must seem like white noise.

Now, I've probably seen only thirty or forty episodes, and I'm a little intimidated by the sheer backlog, but they are all online or dvd, and quite a few allegedly serious TV critics consider The Simpsons to be the best sitcom ever.

Futurama is, in many ways, the same — continuous pop-cult references, but with a sci-fi twist. I have a couple of seasons on dvd, but I'm a sucker for SF.

Groening didn't invent the pop-cult reference, but he was the first to realize that you can actually get "celebs" to do voice on an animated show a lot more easily than getting them to show up in person for live-action.

Mmm, now, I have to mention, amidst my enthusiasm for these shows, that most evenings I spend reading.


tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:27 pm

The Simpsons is Matt Groening's dysfunctional family cartoon.
Futurama is Matt Groening's science fiction cartoon, set in the year 3000.

When Futurama first premiered, the Sunday night lineup where I lived was:
800 Simpsons
830 Futurama
900 X-Files
Is that perfect, or what?

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Oh, fuck me, eucalyptus?

I'll never complain about manzanita again.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:45 pm

That sounds fine, if they're in separate compartments. Contamination is the issue. I don't have a problem with dead bodies around (I have five cats, and they make every effort to bring meat to the table), so long as they're kept separate from any area where food, food preparation, and food handling occur. Food in sealed containers in the fridge and dead bodies in the freezer, meh. Not worth getting excited about.

I get *very* bent out of shape by poor food handling practices, not that you'd notice.

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 9:14 pm

My mom buys my pants.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Thanks, Jeff is going to check this out.

My tomatoes are looking pretty good. The onions are really starting to sprout up.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I'm not doing anything to you, lol.
I am about to pickle my liver here in a sec.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Oh, you tractorettes. I only have an acre, so a tractor would be a (highly desirable) extravagance.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Thank deity I don't have that much property to worry about. Part of an acre is plenty in the fire hazard areas. Problem with a lot my size, and hilly, too, is it's REAL work keeping to the fire code. I'm about dead today.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I'd share mine with you, if you lived close by. I always end up saving a few for friends, or make sauce that I can give away. It's good to share the bounty of the blessed earth.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Ya know, you'd almost begin to wonder if all religions weren't based on

**virtual electrical discharge**

random crap.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Oh. Then touch it with your penis before it dries!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Isn't it wonderful? I love the green growing things. I used to lie on the hill with my hat over my face, just lying back on the good green earth and feeling it under me.

Madu put a stop to that when he leapt onto my belly as I was snoozing peacefully one day with a struggling mouse in his jaws. The little bastid.

I wish I could grow onions, but I haven't the knack. I'll keep trying.

Jeffer June 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I can't believe that a slug could make it to the flowers. It has been severely dry and hot. I originally suspected aphids, but I doubt it now. However, a shallow container of beer should solve the slug question. Fortunately, a small quantity of beer is not a problem….

Barb June 16, 2012 at 9:32 pm

What did you make for din? I roasted a chicken and made salad.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:32 pm

They're drinky little bastards. They ate the soil dry on the lower hill. I finally got rid of them. Kept the stumps around for native bees to nest in, but I don't think they like it, so those just got the heave-ho.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I thought about doing the same, but I'm so exhausted that I haven't yet dragged myself downstairs. I think we're going to make a hot and spicy fish curry with fenugreek and black mustard seeds, lemongrass, coconut milk, eggplant, summer squash, and green curry paste. Serve that over brown rice. Maybe I should put the recipe up over at the blog. We got mango sorbet for dessert, and we're going to watch movies for, like, hours, just because. Watchu doin', beautiful?

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 9:43 pm


Barb June 16, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I'm waiting for the strength to take the dinner dishes down to the kitchen and watching golf.

I need to start packing for vacation.

GhostBuggy June 16, 2012 at 9:49 pm

It's probably easier if your school doesn't bother with all that messy accreditation stuff.

sharethegrief June 16, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I see that I'm mistaken. I don't know what the hell he got his Ph.D. in. I just know he's an Old Testament Kind of Guy. He teaches at Capitol Bible College/Seminary in Lanham, Md. Feel free to check out their "credentials."

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Happy vacation! That's Vegas, right? When do you leave?

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:18 pm

According to this page, yes:

Beowoof June 16, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Thank you, I have one Black Crim plant and one cherry tomato, both seem to be doing very well this year and I am looking forward to enjoying them. We are also blessed in upstate NY with lots of family farms where you can find fresh local produce in the summer and fall. I love to patronize those folks who actually grow the stuff and bring into the Rochester Public Market.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I don't know, sweetie, I've never seen 'em!

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 1:10 am

I don't know about perfect; I can't remember if "The X-Files" had proven to be a shell game by the time "Futurama" premiered, but I loved "King Of The Hill" more than any of the Groening stuff. And this "Family Guy" shit is just obnoxious.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 10:34 pm

The Black Krims are simply delicious! Enjoy your bounty, my friend!

tessiee June 16, 2012 at 10:40 pm

"the wholly babble is basically the history of a desert tribe's struggles in its early days"

R. Crumb, the cartoonist whose greatest fame was during the 60s, has an illustrated book of Genesis, which he plays perfectly straight, even respectful. It's actually quite good.

the Portland Art Museum had a show of the original drawings from his book, including a page of the begats (?) and who was descended from whom. I'd venture to guess that nobody on earth loves drawing enough to enjoy drawing 50 first century middle eastern guys, all of whom look alike enough to be related, but all of whom look different enough to tell apart.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I can definitely see how that would be helpful!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Work is Hell is never off-topic for teh Wonketz.

Isn't that what we spend half our time bitching about? Oh, wait, most of us lost our jerbs already. Ne'mind.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Both! Everything needs to stay moist for this custom pants scheme to work out!

Barb June 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Thanks! I have Jeffery all to myself for 10 days.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:21 pm

I'd love a copy of that book. He's a terrific artist.

OTOH, I wouldn't mind skipping the begats (Deuteronomy? Matthew? Luke? I forget) altogether.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Have a good time, lovebirds! It's great that you have a wonderful husband who adores you and he has a wonderful wife who adores him.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 11:26 pm

I'm not saying you're mistaken, just that his "doctorate" seems "fishy" (that's a xtian joke) to me.

bobbert June 16, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Oh, noes, you're condemned to a life of aquaphilia.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Aphids don't actually damage leaves, although they can spread diseases when they suck plant juices, and if the plant is not strong enough, it can succumb to the nutrient competition, but you'll notice the leaves yellowing and dropping off, usually at the bud end. They go for the tender young tips. Snails seem to survive our dry season quite well, surprisingly, and it lasts 6 months or more. Beer should drown the buggers. But if it was snails surely they'd attack the tomatoes too. Do you have Japanese beetles in your area? They can skeletonize leaves in no time, but you should be able to see the evidence. They seem to leave the midribs and veins alone.

Lube July 3, 2012 at 12:22 am


MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Thank you. (Looks around for box of seeds)

Barb June 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm

WHERE THE HELL IS MITTBOT? I'm gonna kick his ass.

You told your friend, Jeff to use beer! That's beer he's using! Couldn't we kill the slugs with beets or radishes or something I hate? NOOOOOO, it has to be beer, thanks!

LOL, I am going to call you and wake you in the morning if I find any slugs who took a big beer drowning nap. *shiver*

I plan to take a TV outside and play Bristol's new reality show to chase off any other vermin in the yard. : )

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I live in a fire hazard area, and the nearby cities have joined together with their local fire departments to ensure that residents in and outside the city limits maintain their properties in such a way as to reduce the danger of fire. Once a year at the start of summer, the local fire department inspects all the properties in the surrounding area. If you're not up to code, they send city workers to bring your property up to code, and bill you for it.

It's a *good* thing to do. The last big fire scared the shit out of us, and it took years to recover. But it can be an awful fucking pain.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Yeah, right, the last time I got into a fight with these fuckers, it took three years to resolve. YOU stand my damned lawn. I'm busy weeding.

Negropolis June 17, 2012 at 12:54 am

California don't play, let me tell you. Regulations to the moon. your car exhaust, the type of pets banned in state, what kind of plants you can bring in and out of the state….It's the place they accuse the entirety of the United States to be under Democratic presidents.

sharethegrief June 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm

I like that joke, bobbert. Have a good evening.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:19 am

I'm turning off the phone, lol.

My friend Jeff, huh? That's new. Can't we go back to "your loving husband Jeff"? Hey, Jeff, your wife's workin' me over in here dood. Some friend, he ran off to play with the slugs and beer.

MosesInvests June 17, 2012 at 3:43 am

Hey, Barb, it doesn't have to be *good* beer-just use Bud or some other swill.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:22 am

I'm not above making some lady gravy with her.

Barb June 17, 2012 at 12:24 am

Look at that Morning Glory link I just emailed you. Why do I never see this stuff until it is too late?

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:27 am

I don't know, but I have the same problem.

That morning glory is like a painting. Stunning.

Barb June 17, 2012 at 12:35 am

I went to Amazon to get them. You get 10 seeds for $3.00, fair enough. They charge $8.00 to ship them. It's a small amount and yet, I won't pay $8.00 to ship anything that light.

tessiee June 17, 2012 at 12:35 am

If you haven't seen the movie "Crumb", I sort-of recommend it. It's interesting and well-made, but creepy and depressing. Suffice it to say that R. Crumb is by far the most normal member of his family.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:43 am

I haven't, thanks so much for the sort-of recommendation. As a member of a pretty fucking depressing (but mostly not-creepy) family, it should provide for some good, if heavily liquored, times. Ha.

(Hugs the tessiee) That was very sweet.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I saw that movie. Since I grew up reading Crumb I found it fascinating. He is still an interesting figure. A year or two ago for some reason I was researching him and learned more about him, his artist wife and artist daughter.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 12:54 am

The nuns told us the Jews killed Christ. Years later, I heard Lenny Bruce's famous line about WHY the Jews killed Christ, and I laughed myself sick.

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 1:00 am

Aren't you in the Bay Area? And they're making you pay through the nose and out the ass for this indignity!!

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:11 am

I love it here. And they're absolutely correct about the need for fire breaks, we learned that with the last big fire. Like I said, the regulations can be a pain but they keep us safe. We used to have downed trees and pine needles in two-foot duff on everyone's property, plus firewood stacked under wooden decks (these houses were built back in the 1920s, and heating was added much later). That was how we got a hole burned in the bathroom wall — a loose log that was smoldering rolled down onto the duff against the wall and ate a hole in the house. And because it was a low, post-firefighting smoulder, it wouldn't have been noticed if the fire crews hadn't been doing a walkthrough. We here are very grateful to them for their diligence, and for saving our lives and homes.

Of course, it's not my fucking fault my genius neighbours decided to give our local firefighters a BBQ GRILL as a token of their esteem.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:14 am

Well, agriculture is a big moneymaker for the state, and most of the plant/animal bans have to do with protecting that industry. And fortunately, the State takes its responsibility to maintain clean air and water for its citizens *some*what seriously. Although I don't think for one minute that they'd ever put *people's* interest before the ag industry's.

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 1:22 am

Oh, so it's about California environmental-disaster safety stuff, not, stuck-up nosy neighbors policing the riff-raff to preserve their property values like the Virtue Of White Womanhood? That's OK then.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:30 am

Chet, man, I know you just love watching me go through my borderline aspie serious-talk reactions. It's ALL PART OF A PLOT AND YOU'RE IN ON IT!

Yeah, no, this is CA, man, we don't do Virtue of White Womanhood shit in these parts. Hell, it's almost getting impossible to find a blonde anymore around here.

bobbert June 17, 2012 at 1:40 am

Yeah,. It's kind of a pain in the ass, but then again it's a pain in the ass for everybody, and as a result we collectively reduce our chances of getting crispy during fire season.

bobbert June 17, 2012 at 1:43 am

And what would that good excuse be?

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2012 at 9:05 am

Make that "historical/cultural rationalization."

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

The Sun and Mars were both in Gemini when I was born. Just something I thought I'd remember for a user name.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

So – nuu – why?

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Yup. It's the Right Thing To Do. God knows it looks like a fire year already. Everytime I hear those damn sirens I start looking around for the fire.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I was going to ask you what is with the eucalyptus. I was raised in S Cal and there were eu's every where, and now they are talked about like pests. I used to love them. Is it because of being "drinky little bastards"?

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'm not here to be fair. I'm here to engage in polemic about Republicans and fools. Now, kindly step aside while I overstate my case…

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I knew about the wife (she's the fat-bottomed girl in all his comix), and she's a hella artist in her own right. But I never knew he had a daughter who was an artist also.

Thank you, Gem.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Because he didn't want to be a doctor.

Makes sense to me. Which would you rather have — my son the meshugge or my son the doctor?

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I believe her name is Sophie.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Makes total sense.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

(Hugs ntR) What a nutbag. Go for it.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Back about a century ago, some greedy businessmen discovered that eucalypts were very fast-growing trees, so they imported them in large numbers to California on the assumption that they would harvest them and sell them for the wood and, PROFIT!

Eucalyptus wood is extremely oily, and it burns like a torch. It's not easily worked, and tends to split vertically, so it's pretty useless for making things with. Eucalypts are also known to exude a substance (from their roots, I believe) that kills other plants. Very few plants can survive around a eucalyptus, sollya heterophylla (Australian bluebell) being one of those. Eucalypts also drop limbs when they're stressed. During our dry season, all the undergrowth around eucalypts, which is usually of the weedy variety since nothing else will survive, turns brown and acts as a fire ladder into the tree, and any underlying branches, being full of oil, just fuel the fire.

Municipal bodies and firefighters have decided that eucalyptus is one of the worst contributors to our fire seasons, so there is an effort to have as many of them taken down as possible. Add to that the fact that they will drink up all available water around them, depriving other trees, and, yeah, they're a pest. Sad, because I love the smell of eucalyptus in the hills.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Please make a list of things that you don't know about. Should be as long as a GOP Peace and Tolerance Festival.You totally amaze me. Thanks for the explanation. The elementary school I went to had eucalyptus ringing the perimeter and I was in love with them. So sad that they proved to be problematic.

Geminisunmars June 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

We do go back a bit, don't we.

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm


MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Aw, man, don't you think I should get to pick?

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm


They're not native, and their habit of killing other plants makes them invasive. You'll notice that our eucalypts live in groves that result from the killing-off of neighbouring plants. It is sad. In the summer, we would walk in the hills in a heavenly cloud of eucalyptus scent. But — they're not very good for the native wildlife, either. One oak can support more of a native ecosystem than an entire grove of eucalypts. So farewell to the lovely trees with their ribboned green and red trunks, and their silver scimitars of leaves.

flamingpdog June 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

What are you, a Communist? Of COURSE everyone knows baseball!Haven't you seen those old World War 2 movies where they can tell who the Nazi infiltrators are by asking them baseball questions?

MittBorg June 17, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Er … well, yes, actually.

Yeah, I saw those movies. Hokey buncha shit. No, I was one of the nerdy kids who always turned left when the teacher said "Right!" and so they kicked me out of all the sports teams, and I never did learn any of that shit. Hell, I got kicked out of the scouts for playing truant and running lickety-split outa school when I was supposed to be attending a troop meeting. If my pants hadn't got caught on that damned barbed wire, they'd never have caught me.

Negropolis June 18, 2012 at 12:42 am

Oh, I wasn't making a huge value judgement on the actual regulations. In fact, I think more the of the US would be better off if they regulated like California does. But, it is work for residents to keep up with them, that's for sure. It can take a lot of effort to live well in a modern society. It's my hope we can find ways to make it easier.

redarmybarbie June 18, 2012 at 2:47 am

do you think straight folk make the same exceptions as us gay folk do? Just wondering.

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

(Hugs Negropolis) Indeed.

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I think most people live in between "gay" and "straight," and then there's the outliers on each end. When we all stop being so fucking uptight about this shit, we'll finally admit that a lot of us guys might have sucked a cock and a lot of us girls might have licked a pussy. And a lot of us might not even be "guys" or "girls" so clearly.

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Aw, now, man, you're takin' all the fun out of teasing you.

I won't do it any more. (sticks thumbs up nose, waggles fingers)

not that Radio June 19, 2012 at 12:44 am

It's only fun if I can tease back. Dish it out, huh?

MittBorg June 19, 2012 at 12:53 am

I don't see N E body stoppin' you. 'Cept you.

Big chicken.

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