happy endings

Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space

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We're getting a little teary.

Well, Newt Gingrich has at last achieved his lifelong goal of conquering the void of empty space. Just look at him out there, the brave emperor of a vast, dark and lonely realm surrounded by his only true companions, some insane person in a scary-looking costume and an elephant. We just knew you could do it, Newt. We just knew. [Buzzfeed]


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DrunkIrishman

    He is fat enough to have his own gravitational pull.

    • LetUsBray

      Ahh, but it's his ego that's massive enough to have an event horizon.

    • TribecaMike

      “I am large, I contain multitudes.” — Walt Whitman, poet and prophet

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That explains the elephant.

  • Ryy

    Newt is still alive?

    • BarackMyWorld

      He has the best health insurance a federal pension can buy.

    • Geminisunmars

      In the "IT'S ALIVE" sense.

      • sharethegrief

        Win! Again!

  • FNMA

    Any moment now, blood will come cascading down that hallway.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      I rode my trike into the room, pulled back the shower curtain, and there was Callista!!!

      The Overlook will get about 200 years of death-magick out of those two, for sure.

      • Chichikovovich

        The guy on the far right is a bartender named Lloyd, and next to him is a caretaker named Grady.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

          Newt had better go check the boilers before getting back to his book about Saul Alinsky.

        • TribecaMike

          LOL Everything you need to know about cleaning liqueur spills can be learned from watching Grady's men's room scene. And about racist ghosts.

    • TribecaMike

      Oops, you got there ahead of me!

    • Angry_Marmot

      I started running at "Come play with us."

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Is that the Newt in the natty yellow outfit?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      No, that's his buzzard-wife.

    • Arken

      He's in the elephant costume.

      • DahBoner

        We don't want to know what's inside of costume that can't be washed…

        • Arken

          That's his proposed space suit for when he colonizes the moon.

  • AbandonHope

    Man, the Citizens of Space have some really banal taste in interior decorating.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      and some really anal taste in wives.

  • TribecaMike

    Newt's filming a remake of The Shining. A second after that photo was taken, the elevator doors opened and, well, you know the rest … http://hollywoodhatesme.files.wordpress.com/2012/

    UPDATE: Newt just announced that he has left Callista for that hot ghost chick in Room 237. http://www.chicagonow.com/hammervision/files/2011

  • OkieDokieDog

    Most boring Furry convention evah.

    • redarmybarbie

      It's the Conservative Furries of America!

      And I shit you NOT, those people have ISSUES!!!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Callista hasn't left him yet?

    • Arken

      He programmed her with a homing beacon so she can't run.

      • FNMA

        I thought the suction kept her attached to Newt.
        Excuse me. I have to go vomit now…

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      He is not young enough or pretty enough to be a president's wife's husband.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    In space no one can hear you bloviate.

    • scvirginia

      For the sake of the elephant, I hope that's true.

  • AbandonHope

    Thank GOD they have those velvet rope barriers up to manage the throngs of people waiting to commune with the Space Emperor. Otherwise there might be chaos.

  • MissNancyPriss

    I always knew "space" was just a Radisson conference room.

    • FNMA

      So you mean, like, the entire universe could fit into a Radisson conference room. Dude, whoa, I guess that wheelchair guy…Hey, are those Doritos?

  • e_z

    What is a Newtron star that that emits no light?

    • swordfis

      Are you looking for "black hole?"

      • Limeylizzie

        That's between Callista's legs and Newt's buttocks, I believe.

        • PuckStopsHere

          That is nastier than a Justin Verlander four-seamer, Liz.

      • rickmaci

        I believe the correct answer is "black(ass)hole".

    • not that Radio

      Drowned Barf?

    • scvirginia

      I'm still hoping for one that emits no sound.

  • fartknocker

    I feel sorry for the person staffing the elephant suit. He's stuck there for hours listening to Newt bloviating about his theories, diamonds for Callista, all while thinking Why the fuck am I doing this?

    • TribecaMike

      Now he knows how Fred Thompson felt when he ran for president only because his much younger wife was bored.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      Just wait till the elephant suit guy gets a kited check from Nasty Newt. His bank will charge him $35 for the privilege of mascot-ing for a day.

    • MacRaith

      He's probably doing it for minimum wage, too.

  • Barb

    Octomom's uterus held more people at one time than the number who showed up for this party.

    • AbandonHope

      The fetuses were far more intelligent, too.

    • FNMA

      Octomom's uterus was more inviting. So I've heard…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The conversation was much more interesting, too.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Does that mean we can refer to any non-pregnant woman as a Newtomom?

  • Sassomatic

    Is that an alien in the corner, or a disembodied pair of hands? Maybe aliens resemble disembodied pairs of hands.

    • scvirginia

      Is that kryptonite in those hands?

    • flamingpdog

      Somebody already stole your idea.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Thank you Wonkette for covering this monumental event. The Lamestream media will surely ignore this.

    • DahBoner

      What I want to know is how does he sign the Kindle edition?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Anytime there's a story about the absence of the LSM, the LSM fails to cover it. How lame is that?

  • el_donaldo

    Boy, Emperor Ming really has fallen on hard times. It seems a shame to send Flash in to beat the crap out of him, but what the hell.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "Ahhh, here comes someone. Good morning sir, would you like to….."

    "Uhhh, could you tell me where the Men's Room is ?"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Assuming the guy didn't come just to piss on Newt.

  • BarackMyWorld

    That's no moon, that's an empty space station.

    • scvirginia

      Where's the Chinese astronaut lady they sent to clean the garage? Looks like she missed some trash.

  • not that Radio

    Is this one of those "Big Ideas" that he supposedly always has?

  • Beowoof

    I am hoping this is the big book signing that his entire campaign was run to promote.

    • flamingpdog

      No snark, this is almost like what the Christine O'Donnell book signing I went to looked like, only no elephant. And even she didn't have the ego to demand crowd ropes. Wished I'd thought to taken a camera.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      An ego is a terrible thing to waste.

  • dahboner


  • scvirginia

    I wonder if Sheldon gave him severance pay?

    • Veritas78

      Nope. It was a non-union gig.

  • DahBoner

    Darth Vader wept.

  • PuckStopsHere

    This here is the Newt Gingrich version of election night at Grant Park.

  • Tyroanee

    The most pathetic part… tax payers are paying for those SS agents to stand there and watch over that fig newton.

    • flamingpdog

      Take it out of Boner's briefcase full of cash paychecks and really give him something to tear up about.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Newt offered to fix them up with a real hooker: "Callista will be glad to put the Service in your Secret Service, friends."

    • TribecaMike

      If I'd just wasted tens of millions of a casino owner's dollars, I'd want Secret Service protection for the rest of my life.

      • Isyaignert

        Sheldon "I hate Palestinians" Adelson makes $10M a day PROFIT on the fidiots who frequent his casinos in the Far East.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm hoping the entire "Faith & Freedom Coalition" meeing went this well.

    • flamingpdog

      Is that supposed to be "meeting" or "peeing"?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        With Newt, it's always a ME-ing.

  • TribecaMike

    On the opposite end of the spectrum, here's the president arriving by helicopter on the grounds of my just-graduated nephew's high school the other day outside of Baltimore. Those security folks don't play around (exceptin' with hookers of course)… http://www.mcdonogh.org/view.cfm?tFile=/photoessa

    • not that Radio

      I take it Neil Munro wasn't there?

      • TribecaMike

        The head of security at that school is a former Vietnam-era Phoenix Program assassin, so it would've been good clean American fun if he had shown up.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That explains the school's very own 18-wheeler security truck with snipers on the roof. I was sort of wondering.

          • TribecaMike

            I've never met the security guy. Probably spends all his time in the trees living off acorns and berries. Picture Bill Murray in Caddyshack with a license to kill.

        • flamingpdog

          I know a guy who was a sniper in Vietnam. A really nice guy, completely functional, but 40 years later, you can feel the vibe, standing next to him, that he's always on edge, always on alert.

          • TribecaMike

            They train them too well. My old man was a sniper in the Korean Conflict. Took him 40 years to get over it.

            I wish your friend well.

  • timbo71351

    Newt, you're fat. You're old. You have a strange looking wife. You pissed away your easy job with Fox News on your misguided campaign and now you have money problems. No one likes you. Wouldn't it be easier and less humiliating to just off yourself?

    • flamingpdog

      Somebody just needs to put him on an inflatible raft in the North Pacific and wait for a Japanese "research" ship to pull up and harpoon him.

    • Isyaignert

      Jump Gnewt Jump You Piece of Fettid Lard!!!!

  • http://thesecondcomingofjeri.blogspot.com Jeri 2.0

    As a bleeding-heart libtard, I actually feel lots of compassion and symp…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, gasp, wheeze!

    Nobody likes you Newt. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Somebody really needs to photoshop in a kid on a trike, riding towards those ghosts.
    Where's Bugnon when we need him?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      Great minds are thinking alike all over the place!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        There's just something about a spooky hotel corridor, all empty and abaondoned. (Or is it????)

  • not that Radio

    How much was Newt charging for signed photographs?

    • BarackMyWorld

      $1 million. That may sound like a lot, but that way he only needs four people to buy them.

    • scvirginia

      Whore Diamonds!!!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Here's Mitt not trying to be ironic:
    Romney: Obama should’ve been a governor before president

    Was Mitt a governor? You'd never know it.

    • TribecaMike

      "But he doesn't want to talk about the economy like I want to talk about the economy."

      Yes, Mitt, and…

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    This is a lonely person's idea of what a crowd is.

  • mwittier

    Seconds later, Newt and Calista's soap box derby car raced to another uncontested victory in the center lane.

    Newt wins AGAIN!

    Secret Service Agent #1: "He really reserved the entire eleventh floor? Boy, he really wants to win this thing."
    Secret Service Agent #2: "You wave the checkered flag. My arms are getting tired."

  • TribecaMike

    What's equally pathetic is that's not a photo. It's live streaming video.

  • SolitaireRose

    I think the saddest part is, I've seen guys who played a minor role in TV series that lasted a single season in the 70's with a longer line.

    Hell, I had a longer autograph line, and only 2500 people listen to my comic book podcast.

  • not that Radio

    Isn't he mad that Bill Clinton made him sit at the end of the hallway?

  • Antispandex

    With turn out like this, I can just see the page one screamer now. NEWT TESTS WATERS FOR RUN IN '16 !

  • SayItWithWookies

    Um — is that the line to get Callista to sign her children's book or the line for a threesome with Newt and the elephant furry?

    *Edit — "or the line" had been "for the line," which makes no sense whatsoever. I apologize for the error.

  • ttommyunger


  • shortsandpants

    The carpet in the above-photo could really use a big load of less ugly. Just sayin'.

  • Isyaignert

    L to the O to the L – you know your history!

  • TribecaMike

    In a mansion somewhere Romney is muttering, "A Radisson? Marriott isn't good enough for those evangelical heathens?"

  • Estproph

    His ego is so big only a few people can fit in a room with him.

    • scvirginia

      Good one!

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    The way to truly hurt Newt is to stop talking about him and pretending he matters.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    You know, I almost feel sorry for the guy… Nah, Gingrich is a terrible person and this could happen to a more deserving asshole.

  • ElPinche

    It's like a scene from Veep .