happy endings

Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space

We're getting a little teary.

Well, Newt Gingrich has at last achieved his lifelong goal of conquering the void of empty space. Just look at him out there, the brave emperor of a vast, dark and lonely realm surrounded by his only true companions, some insane person in a scary-looking costume and an elephant. We just knew you could do it, Newt. We just knew. [Buzzfeed]

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    1. Chet Kincaid

      I rode my trike into the room, pulled back the shower curtain, and there was Callista!!!

      The Overlook will get about 200 years of death-magick out of those two, for sure.

      1. Chichikovovich

        The guy on the far right is a bartender named Lloyd, and next to him is a caretaker named Grady.

        1. TribecaMike

          LOL Everything you need to know about cleaning liqueur spills can be learned from watching Grady's men's room scene. And about racist ghosts.

    1. redarmybarbie

      It's the Conservative Furries of America!

      And I shit you NOT, those people have ISSUES!!!

  1. AbandonHope

    Thank GOD they have those velvet rope barriers up to manage the throngs of people waiting to commune with the Space Emperor. Otherwise there might be chaos.

    1. FNMA

      So you mean, like, the entire universe could fit into a Radisson conference room. Dude, whoa, I guess that wheelchair guy…Hey, are those Doritos?

  2. fartknocker

    I feel sorry for the person staffing the elephant suit. He's stuck there for hours listening to Newt bloviating about his theories, diamonds for Callista, all while thinking Why the fuck am I doing this?

    1. TribecaMike

      Now he knows how Fred Thompson felt when he ran for president only because his much younger wife was bored.

  3. Barb

    Octomom's uterus held more people at one time than the number who showed up for this party.

  4. Sassomatic

    Is that an alien in the corner, or a disembodied pair of hands? Maybe aliens resemble disembodied pairs of hands.

  5. Native_of_SL_UT

    Thank you Wonkette for covering this monumental event. The Lamestream media will surely ignore this.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Anytime there's a story about the absence of the LSM, the LSM fails to cover it. How lame is that?

  6. el_donaldo

    Boy, Emperor Ming really has fallen on hard times. It seems a shame to send Flash in to beat the crap out of him, but what the hell.

  7. Blueb4sunrise

    "Ahhh, here comes someone. Good morning sir, would you like to….."

    "Uhhh, could you tell me where the Men's Room is ?"

    1. scvirginia

      Where's the Chinese astronaut lady they sent to clean the garage? Looks like she missed some trash.

    1. flamingpdog

      No snark, this is almost like what the Christine O'Donnell book signing I went to looked like, only no elephant. And even she didn't have the ego to demand crowd ropes. Wished I'd thought to taken a camera.

  8. Tyroanee

    The most pathetic part… tax payers are paying for those SS agents to stand there and watch over that fig newton.

    1. flamingpdog

      Take it out of Boner's briefcase full of cash paychecks and really give him something to tear up about.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Newt offered to fix them up with a real hooker: "Callista will be glad to put the Service in your Secret Service, friends."

    3. TribecaMike

      If I'd just wasted tens of millions of a casino owner's dollars, I'd want Secret Service protection for the rest of my life.

      1. Isyaignert

        Sheldon "I hate Palestinians" Adelson makes $10M a day PROFIT on the fidiots who frequent his casinos in the Far East.

      1. TribecaMike

        The head of security at that school is a former Vietnam-era Phoenix Program assassin, so it would've been good clean American fun if he had shown up.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          That explains the school's very own 18-wheeler security truck with snipers on the roof. I was sort of wondering.

          1. TribecaMike

            I've never met the security guy. Probably spends all his time in the trees living off acorns and berries. Picture Bill Murray in Caddyshack with a license to kill.

        2. flamingpdog

          I know a guy who was a sniper in Vietnam. A really nice guy, completely functional, but 40 years later, you can feel the vibe, standing next to him, that he's always on edge, always on alert.

          1. TribecaMike

            They train them too well. My old man was a sniper in the Korean Conflict. Took him 40 years to get over it.

            I wish your friend well.

  9. timbo71351

    Newt, you're fat. You're old. You have a strange looking wife. You pissed away your easy job with Fox News on your misguided campaign and now you have money problems. No one likes you. Wouldn't it be easier and less humiliating to just off yourself?

    1. flamingpdog

      Somebody just needs to put him on an inflatible raft in the North Pacific and wait for a Japanese "research" ship to pull up and harpoon him.

  10. Jeri 2.0

    As a bleeding-heart libtard, I actually feel lots of compassion and symp…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, gasp, wheeze!

    Nobody likes you Newt. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

  11. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Somebody really needs to photoshop in a kid on a trike, riding towards those ghosts.
    Where's Bugnon when we need him?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        There's just something about a spooky hotel corridor, all empty and abaondoned. (Or is it????)

    1. BarackMyWorld

      $1 million. That may sound like a lot, but that way he only needs four people to buy them.

    1. TribecaMike

      "But he doesn't want to talk about the economy like I want to talk about the economy."

      Yes, Mitt, and…

  12. mwittier

    Seconds later, Newt and Calista's soap box derby car raced to another uncontested victory in the center lane.

    Newt wins AGAIN!

    Secret Service Agent #1: "He really reserved the entire eleventh floor? Boy, he really wants to win this thing."
    Secret Service Agent #2: "You wave the checkered flag. My arms are getting tired."

  13. SolitaireRose

    I think the saddest part is, I've seen guys who played a minor role in TV series that lasted a single season in the 70's with a longer line.

    Hell, I had a longer autograph line, and only 2500 people listen to my comic book podcast.

  14. Antispandex

    With turn out like this, I can just see the page one screamer now. NEWT TESTS WATERS FOR RUN IN '16 !

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Um — is that the line to get Callista to sign her children's book or the line for a threesome with Newt and the elephant furry?

    *Edit — "or the line" had been "for the line," which makes no sense whatsoever. I apologize for the error.

  16. shortsandpants

    The carpet in the above-photo could really use a big load of less ugly. Just sayin'.

  17. TribecaMike

    In a mansion somewhere Romney is muttering, "A Radisson? Marriott isn't good enough for those evangelical heathens?"

Comments are closed.