HAPPY ENDINGS  1:30 pm June 16, 2012

Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

We're getting a little teary.

Well, Newt Gingrich has at last achieved his lifelong goal of conquering the void of empty space. Just look at him out there, the brave emperor of a vast, dark and lonely realm surrounded by his only true companions, some insane person in a scary-looking costume and an elephant. We just knew you could do it, Newt. We just knew. [Buzzfeed]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 113 comments }

DrunkIrishman June 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

He is fat enough to have his own gravitational pull.

LetUsBray June 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Ahh, but it's his ego that's massive enough to have an event horizon.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

“I am large, I contain multitudes.” — Walt Whitman, poet and prophet

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 2:59 pm

That explains the elephant.

Ryy June 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Newt is still alive?

BarackMyWorld June 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

He has the best health insurance a federal pension can buy.

Geminisunmars June 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

In the "IT'S ALIVE" sense.

sharethegrief June 16, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Win! Again!

FNMA June 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Any moment now, blood will come cascading down that hallway.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I rode my trike into the room, pulled back the shower curtain, and there was Callista!!!

The Overlook will get about 200 years of death-magick out of those two, for sure.

Chichikovovich June 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

The guy on the far right is a bartender named Lloyd, and next to him is a caretaker named Grady.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Newt had better go check the boilers before getting back to his book about Saul Alinsky.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

LOL Everything you need to know about cleaning liqueur spills can be learned from watching Grady's men's room scene. And about racist ghosts.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Oops, you got there ahead of me!

Angry_Marmot June 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I started running at "Come play with us."

BZ1 June 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Is that the Newt in the natty yellow outfit?

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

No, that's his buzzard-wife.

Arken June 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

He's in the elephant costume.

DahBoner June 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

We don't want to know what's inside of costume that can't be washed…

Arken June 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

That's his proposed space suit for when he colonizes the moon.

AbandonHope June 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Man, the Citizens of Space have some really banal taste in interior decorating.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

and some really anal taste in wives.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Newt's filming a remake of The Shining. A second after that photo was taken, the elevator doors opened and, well, you know the rest … http://hollywoodhatesme.files.wordpress.com/2012/

UPDATE: Newt just announced that he has left Callista for that hot ghost chick in Room 237. http://www.chicagonow.com/hammervision/files/2011

OkieDokieDog June 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Most boring Furry convention evah.

redarmybarbie June 18, 2012 at 2:38 am

It's the Conservative Furries of America!

And I shit you NOT, those people have ISSUES!!!

Texan_Bulldog June 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Callista hasn't left him yet?

Arken June 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

He programmed her with a homing beacon so she can't run.

FNMA June 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I thought the suction kept her attached to Newt.
Excuse me. I have to go vomit now…

Spurning Beer June 16, 2012 at 4:52 pm

He is not young enough or pretty enough to be a president's wife's husband.

FlownOver June 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

In space no one can hear you bloviate.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

For the sake of the elephant, I hope that's true.

AbandonHope June 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Thank GOD they have those velvet rope barriers up to manage the throngs of people waiting to commune with the Space Emperor. Otherwise there might be chaos.

MissNancyPriss June 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I always knew "space" was just a Radisson conference room.

FNMA June 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

So you mean, like, the entire universe could fit into a Radisson conference room. Dude, whoa, I guess that wheelchair guy…Hey, are those Doritos?

e_z June 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

What is a Newtron star that that emits no light?

swordfis June 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Are you looking for "black hole?"

Limeylizzie June 16, 2012 at 2:42 pm

That's between Callista's legs and Newt's buttocks, I believe.

PuckStopsHere June 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

That is nastier than a Justin Verlander four-seamer, Liz.

rickmaci June 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I believe the correct answer is "black(ass)hole".

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Drowned Barf?

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I'm still hoping for one that emits no sound.

fartknocker June 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I feel sorry for the person staffing the elephant suit. He's stuck there for hours listening to Newt bloviating about his theories, diamonds for Callista, all while thinking Why the fuck am I doing this?

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Now he knows how Fred Thompson felt when he ran for president only because his much younger wife was bored.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Just wait till the elephant suit guy gets a kited check from Nasty Newt. His bank will charge him $35 for the privilege of mascot-ing for a day.

MacRaith June 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

He's probably doing it for minimum wage, too.

Barb June 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Octomom's uterus held more people at one time than the number who showed up for this party.

AbandonHope June 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

The fetuses were far more intelligent, too.

FNMA June 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Octomom's uterus was more inviting. So I've heard…

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

The conversation was much more interesting, too.

Mittens Howell, III June 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Does that mean we can refer to any non-pregnant woman as a Newtomom?

Sassomatic June 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Is that an alien in the corner, or a disembodied pair of hands? Maybe aliens resemble disembodied pairs of hands.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Is that kryptonite in those hands?

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Somebody already stole your idea.

Native_of_SL_UT June 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Thank you Wonkette for covering this monumental event. The Lamestream media will surely ignore this.

DahBoner June 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

What I want to know is how does he sign the Kindle edition?

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Anytime there's a story about the absence of the LSM, the LSM fails to cover it. How lame is that?

el_donaldo June 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Boy, Emperor Ming really has fallen on hard times. It seems a shame to send Flash in to beat the crap out of him, but what the hell.

Blueb4sunrise June 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Ahhh, here comes someone. Good morning sir, would you like to….."

"Uhhh, could you tell me where the Men's Room is ?"

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Assuming the guy didn't come just to piss on Newt.

BarackMyWorld June 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

That's no moon, that's an empty space station.

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Where's the Chinese astronaut lady they sent to clean the garage? Looks like she missed some trash.

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Is this one of those "Big Ideas" that he supposedly always has?

Beowoof June 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I am hoping this is the big book signing that his entire campaign was run to promote.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

No snark, this is almost like what the Christine O'Donnell book signing I went to looked like, only no elephant. And even she didn't have the ego to demand crowd ropes. Wished I'd thought to taken a camera.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

An ego is a terrible thing to waste.

dahboner June 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Well…

scvirginia June 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I wonder if Sheldon gave him severance pay?

Veritas78 June 16, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Nope. It was a non-union gig.

DahBoner June 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Darth Vader wept.

PuckStopsHere June 16, 2012 at 2:53 pm

This here is the Newt Gingrich version of election night at Grant Park.

Tyroanee June 16, 2012 at 2:53 pm

The most pathetic part… tax payers are paying for those SS agents to stand there and watch over that fig newton.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Take it out of Boner's briefcase full of cash paychecks and really give him something to tear up about.

Dudleydidwrong June 16, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Newt offered to fix them up with a real hooker: "Callista will be glad to put the Service in your Secret Service, friends."

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm

If I'd just wasted tens of millions of a casino owner's dollars, I'd want Secret Service protection for the rest of my life.

Isyaignert June 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Sheldon "I hate Palestinians" Adelson makes $10M a day PROFIT on the fidiots who frequent his casinos in the Far East.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I'm hoping the entire "Faith & Freedom Coalition" meeing went this well.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Is that supposed to be "meeting" or "peeing"?

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

With Newt, it's always a ME-ing.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm

On the opposite end of the spectrum, here's the president arriving by helicopter on the grounds of my just-graduated nephew's high school the other day outside of Baltimore. Those security folks don't play around (exceptin' with hookers of course)… http://www.mcdonogh.org/view.cfm?tFile=/photoessa

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I take it Neil Munro wasn't there?

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The head of security at that school is a former Vietnam-era Phoenix Program assassin, so it would've been good clean American fun if he had shown up.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm

That explains the school's very own 18-wheeler security truck with snipers on the roof. I was sort of wondering.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I've never met the security guy. Probably spends all his time in the trees living off acorns and berries. Picture Bill Murray in Caddyshack with a license to kill.

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I know a guy who was a sniper in Vietnam. A really nice guy, completely functional, but 40 years later, you can feel the vibe, standing next to him, that he's always on edge, always on alert.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

They train them too well. My old man was a sniper in the Korean Conflict. Took him 40 years to get over it.

I wish your friend well.

timbo71351 June 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Newt, you're fat. You're old. You have a strange looking wife. You pissed away your easy job with Fox News on your misguided campaign and now you have money problems. No one likes you. Wouldn't it be easier and less humiliating to just off yourself?

flamingpdog June 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Somebody just needs to put him on an inflatible raft in the North Pacific and wait for a Japanese "research" ship to pull up and harpoon him.

Isyaignert June 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Jump Gnewt Jump You Piece of Fettid Lard!!!!

Jeri 2.0 June 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

As a bleeding-heart libtard, I actually feel lots of compassion and symp…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, gasp, wheeze!

Nobody likes you Newt. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Somebody really needs to photoshop in a kid on a trike, riding towards those ghosts.
Where's Bugnon when we need him?

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Great minds are thinking alike all over the place!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

There's just something about a spooky hotel corridor, all empty and abaondoned. (Or is it????)

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

How much was Newt charging for signed photographs?

BarackMyWorld June 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

$1 million. That may sound like a lot, but that way he only needs four people to buy them.

scvirginia June 17, 2012 at 12:58 am

Whore Diamonds!!!

BarackMyWorld June 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Here's Mitt not trying to be ironic:
Romney: Obama should’ve been a governor before president

Was Mitt a governor? You'd never know it.

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"But he doesn't want to talk about the economy like I want to talk about the economy."

Yes, Mitt, and…

deanbooth June 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm

This is a lonely person's idea of what a crowd is.

mwittier June 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Seconds later, Newt and Calista's soap box derby car raced to another uncontested victory in the center lane.

Newt wins AGAIN!

Secret Service Agent #1: "He really reserved the entire eleventh floor? Boy, he really wants to win this thing."
Secret Service Agent #2: "You wave the checkered flag. My arms are getting tired."

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

What's equally pathetic is that's not a photo. It's live streaming video.

SolitaireRose June 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I think the saddest part is, I've seen guys who played a minor role in TV series that lasted a single season in the 70's with a longer line.

Hell, I had a longer autograph line, and only 2500 people listen to my comic book podcast.

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Isn't he mad that Bill Clinton made him sit at the end of the hallway?

Antispandex June 16, 2012 at 5:59 pm

With turn out like this, I can just see the page one screamer now. NEWT TESTS WATERS FOR RUN IN '16 !

SayItWithWookies June 16, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Um — is that the line to get Callista to sign her children's book or the line for a threesome with Newt and the elephant furry?

*Edit — "or the line" had been "for the line," which makes no sense whatsoever. I apologize for the error.

ttommyunger June 16, 2012 at 8:48 pm

REDRUM! REDRUM!

shortsandpants June 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

The carpet in the above-photo could really use a big load of less ugly. Just sayin'.

Isyaignert June 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

L to the O to the L – you know your history!

TribecaMike June 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

In a mansion somewhere Romney is muttering, "A Radisson? Marriott isn't good enough for those evangelical heathens?"

Estproph June 16, 2012 at 11:14 pm

His ego is so big only a few people can fit in a room with him.

scvirginia June 17, 2012 at 12:50 am

Good one!

valthemus June 17, 2012 at 2:27 am

The way to truly hurt Newt is to stop talking about him and pretending he matters.

outragedcitizen June 17, 2012 at 10:49 am

You know, I almost feel sorry for the guy… Nah, Gingrich is a terrible person and this could happen to a more deserving asshole.

ElPinche June 18, 2012 at 10:20 am

It's like a scene from Veep .

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