AND BEGGING  6:06 pm June 15, 2012

Your Wonket Drinky Thing Non-Kickstarter Update (Behold Your New Prizes)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Could this be you?Well you little sweetling lover liver lumps! You have already sent almost $2000 for beer and shit for our nationwide tour of dive bars, to see you, our beloved Wonkers! Frankly? For some of you it seemed like it might have come a little too easy. We are not talking about our $10s or $25s. We imagine you are decent middle-class and working-class folk eking out a modest living and charitably sending off some hard-won scratch. But you with your hundreds and couple-hundreds and so forth, if you could peel off a couple of Benjies as fast as you did, then you are MITT ROMNEY, and just lucky we haven’t come after you with (clean-burning) torches.

We will now be adding more ways to give, in addition to:

$1 — A hearty thank you email that isn’t even a form letter.

$10 — Stickers! Of that whip-kitten!

$25 — Stickers AND a chance to be one of 10 people who get to say where our Drinky Thing and Meetup will be. Seskatchewan? Saskatchewan? No. Not Saskatchewan.

$50 — We will send you a dick joke, via the Intertubes.

$100 – All that awesome tote bag shit we talked about yesterday.

$250 – Five blog posts on the topic of your choosing, whenever you say. Think of the havoc and misery! Hooray!

$500 – Endow a Blogging Chair, with your name at the bottom of all your chosen editor’s posts. (For this one, we will actually give half the money to your chosen editor, instead of keeping it all for smack and poolboys and smacking poolboys.) Your editor’s post will bear your insignia for three months.

$1000 – (Oh that is a lot of money!) Buy It Now. Get together with your compatriots from a certain township or village, pool your muneez, and send it to us, and we will show our ass up and throw you a party. No “chance” to win one for your city. Take out the guesswork, and the gamble. Buy your way into our hearts, because this is America, and you are WINNING.

You will all be seeing a post like this every evening until next Friday, because that is payday, and you will fork over your bread, man.

Next time, we will do some interpretive dance.





Now here at last are some pix from Detroit. We haven’t asked if people want to be identified, so they may identify themselves if they so choose!

hey guys, it's me, editrix, and some dude

This dude came from New Mexico

Here this one is sideways, to make it a proper Wonker picture post.

Also, you can almost see my butt.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 289 comments }

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Seskatchewan. That is not a place.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Sure it is. It's the province in between Manituba and Alberto.

nounverb911 June 15, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Make it Saskatoon and you have a deal.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Hey, no joke – Saskatoon is one hell of a party town. Or at least it was when I worked on pipeline construction there one summer 30 years ago. Moose Jaw and Swift Current too. But nowhere else in Saskatchewan. Take it from someone who has lived it.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm

My dad was born there, and that is where the majority of my family resides. Mind you, they are teetotalers, so visiting them is rarely any fun.

ETA: Regina. They saw that EVERY chance they get.

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Oh sure, everybody from Up There claims they "worked on the pipeline" or "greenhorned on a crab-boat" or "hauled a truck full of packaged goods to the Inuit on the ice roads"! And then the "Thing" ate your whole crew and assumed your foreman's identity, but you thought you burned him to death, and then he escaped as a dog. I'm sure you pull lots of chicks with those tall tales.

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Just north of Amercia.

weejee June 15, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Ms.Pinkglock, hope you saw the Seattle meet-up for 6/30 @ the Latona Pub.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I didn't! Thank you for the head's up!

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm

What time?

weejee June 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

6:30 PM on, in the upstairs loft.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I will be there! Looking forward to it.

savethispatient June 15, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Can I gatecrash this invite too?

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Please do! Haven't seen you since the election, and now that you're so busy and stuff, you'll need the break.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 6:51 pm

We need to get Rebecca to make a post-y post about it so everybody sees it!

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Will also likely need a cardboard cutout of her to fondle, yes? For the photos? Since I'm assuming that this isn't going to feature any of our actual editors?

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Although fondling her cardboard cut-out would be fun, I assume we can just Photoshop her in later.

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 7:01 pm

[Operator]: "Is that Saskatchewan or South Katchewan?"

WABishop June 15, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I can't believe the comment chain got this far without a single Corner Gas reference. Philistines.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I plead complete furrinness and ignorance of this. Is it a teevee show?

WABishop June 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Yes, it's like Canada's version of The Wire, except for all the cussing and murdering and drug use. More of a comedy really. It was filmed entirely in Saskatchewan. Purchasing a copy on DVD will not just bring joy to your heart but is a valuable investment in your children's future.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corner_gas

MittBorg June 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Thank you.

NellCote71 June 15, 2012 at 6:10 pm

What about buying yourself a camera with automatic focus?

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:20 pm

The pictures are in perfect focus. It's our faces that are blurry.

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol.

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Goddammit, I had forgotten that song!!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:27 pm

You cute li'l devil!

banana_bread June 15, 2012 at 8:09 pm

If I'd known you'd be at the Detroit thing, I totally would have made more than a half-assed effort to go. Because you're awesome.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 8:10 pm

That's such a kind thing to say – thanks.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm

The camera was drunk, too.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 6:11 pm

The guy is the top picture is hot.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Are you freaking serious? That's you? Yes, all of the people are lovely and I would be honored to drink with them. The first picture was the one that got scrolled back to twice.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Well, now I'm blushing.—

Barb June 15, 2012 at 6:53 pm

No Chich, you would be blushing if you knew what I said aloud when I saw your picture.
"Hello, salty goodness!"
I was on the phone when I said it.

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 7:07 pm

But I was sure you were Neil Peart! Well, you still kinda could be. Did you noodle around on a bunch of pots and pans while reciting your rhyming philosophical poetry?

Barb June 15, 2012 at 6:29 pm

The lady in the sleeveless white shirt looks like someone I could be besties with for life.

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Barb, you would have loved her. She and her hubbie were more adorable than two kittens wrapped in the arms of a mama cat on top of a laundry basket of fresh towels.

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 6:34 pm

You That guy is fuckton amounts of tall. What do they feed him in that math department?

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Theorems are mostly empty calories.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I'm thinking that I should pony up $250 to get the "five posts on the topic of my choice" option. Because I can just tell that most of the Wonketteurs and Wontketteuses don't know how to prove the Omitting Types Theorem. Five posts should be just what it takes.

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm

That is the best idea I have heard ALL DAY. Wonkeroos love learning new things!

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Hell, I bet they don't even know the recursion relation for the Associated Legendre Polynomials! Ha!

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I'm not so good at the Omitting Typos Theorem, either. But I'm willing to try.

Opportunisticly_Joe June 16, 2012 at 10:11 am

I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this comment field is too narrow to contain.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Go for it, Chich. (How sick am I? Sick enough to think this is a wunnerful idee.)

Barb June 15, 2012 at 6:54 pm

How tall Fare?

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 7:00 pm

6'5"

Barb June 15, 2012 at 7:04 pm

That is tall. Now I feel short at 5' 10".

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I'm 5' 6". How's the weather up there?

a_pink_poodle June 15, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Almost butt but not enough butt.

Butt.

Crank_Tango June 15, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Pretty hard to masturbate to, but I think I'll manage.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Balls.

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 8:15 pm
nounverb911 June 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Can we hava "Thrilla in Wasilla"?

weejee June 15, 2012 at 6:34 pm

The Denali Alley?

Schmannnity June 15, 2012 at 7:06 pm

ANWR Sadat

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I'll ask 'er.

MilwaukeeKent June 15, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Juneau her?

Terry June 15, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I have been to Wasilla more times than I like to recall. The only thing thrilling about it is that you are passing through it on your way to someplace more interesting.

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 10:26 pm

But I've heard they have a Wal-Mart!

Terry June 15, 2012 at 10:54 pm

A Taco Bell, too!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 11:17 pm

And a public library*, for all the readers at teh Wonkette!

*Certain books unappreciated by the mayor may not be available.

GregComlish June 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I would totally spring for the $1000 if I actually had friends

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I'd totally spring for it if I thought any of my friends had money.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 11:18 pm

I would totally have friends if I could actually spring for the $1000.00.

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

These pics, at last. Makes my liver lump go *bump* thinking of the swilling that was had.

Just kidding. It warms my cackles. Viva las wonkaderas and -do[h!]'s~

Toomush_Infer June 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Rebecca, your butt and my imagination are awesome together!… I see the light….

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

For my donation, can I have my dick joke written by Newell? And if this partiality-preference disappoints or incenses editors other than Newell — can I have a spanking for my impudence.

Gopherit June 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

This post is either shooting for amusing irony, or you really don't know your demographic.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Chill_Bill June 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I live in Houston, but I wouldn't dare asking you to come here. Hell, just skip Texas all together! I will donate still (even though money is tight and baby#2 is on the way), cause I'm happy to buy my fellow Wonketteers a drink. Thanks for keeping me from going insane during my work hours.

(There, that's probably the longest comment I've ever written.)

fartknocker June 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Come on Chill. Some of my best times are at the Alabama Ice House. Sit outside, drink cold beer, watch pretty women – what's not to like?

sharethegrief June 15, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I lived in the Montrose/Westheimer area many years ago, across the street from a bar that catered to cross-dressers. We'd sit on the porch and watch the men go by in their high heels and dresses. Good entertainment if you could stand the humidity.

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Yes, cross-dressers do tend to be moist.

sharethegrief June 15, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Win!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Mebbe Chich can do the Vulcan mind meld on ya and we can get a mid-length comment here.

chascates June 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

You can make to Austin, right?

Chill_Bill June 15, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I suppose I could. There are some pockets in Austin (like Montrose in Houston) that aren't too bad.

chascates June 15, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I thought about trying to rent a place away from 6th Street, South Congress, and UT and getting kegs, several handles of booze and mixers. I hang with some people who have huge BBQ rigs on trailers.

Chill_Bill June 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm

See? Now we're talkin…

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Pastured pork?

I lived in Austin many years back while working at a bookstore/newsstand on Congress Ave. Loved Austin, but wasn't able to stay long.

Redgyal June 15, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Chilly billy, darling, Houston is not that bad. I say if the Wonkette can come then it shall. But I vote for downtown.

HistoriCat June 27, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I had no idea there were so many Houston-area Wonkers.

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I am so into the guy with the brown and white cowboy shirt and matching hat. Will you be my best friend and/or lover? Pen pal? Wonkadoodle?

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

You can't see it in the shot, but he was wearing his official Don't Teabag On Me shirt. He was so fun.

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

He just looks like he'd be fun.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Get in line. I saw him first (but commented last, so WHAT?)

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Hey – we're Liberals. We can share.

starfanglednut June 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

Soshulizms11!1

Geminisunmars June 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Or Social Jiszms!

Lucidamente1 June 15, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Ken Layne used to send us a box of used dildos every other month. For free.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Even after we asked him to stop, now that I think about it. That guy.

Gopherit June 15, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Too bad it's so banal…..and would probably bring the ban hammer….but I half expected a rain of "Show us yer TITS!" comments in response to this. This is not your grandma's wonkette anymore.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Where have you been, my fellow ground-dwelling rodent?

barto June 15, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Seskatchewan. Home of Tommy Douglas and single-payer health care! Both dead to us now, we reckon.

GregComlish June 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Ha! Mittens basically just endorsed Obama's immigration executive order because he is such a desperate panderer. Right now the "base" is going apeshit about what a fucking "RINO" Romney is, which is hilarious from pretty much every angle you can think of. This is especially true after the base's massive effort to delude themselves into thinking that Romney was their White Knight against Obama. Better luck next time pendejos!

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 7:28 pm

I think the problem is that Mitt doesn't really hate brown or black people. Like chocolate donuts, he really doesn't know what to do with them. He loves money. And that's about as far as his software is willing to take things.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I think he knows quite what to do with them. He'd probably have to sell most of his houses without them to handle the upkeep.

BlueStateLibel June 15, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I see your point. White people, brown people or black people …he gets the same great feeling when he fires them or destroys their company. He's an equal-opportunity soul destroyer.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Oh, I'm sure he feels worse for white people than for brown people, but really, I think it's less abject hatred (like Teatards) and more that he's just so unfamiliar with the idea of anything but a pale pink exterior.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 9:40 pm

So what you're saying is that he isn't so much a RINO as a HINO? I can go with that assessment.

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 9:49 pm

It's been fun to watch Obama play the GOP like a fiddle. Whenever he speaks about any issue (gay marriage, immigration, etc.), the Republican Party takes the bait & shows its true colors.
It must really suck to be a member of the GOP base now. They've just had to settle for a candidate who they think is too liberal to begin with.

EDIT: Did I mix metaphors? Oh, who the fuck cares?! I still have some beers that need to get drunk.

rocktonsam June 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm

this is starting to remind of every time The Eagles toured.

I have begun collecting pop bottles in the neighborhood to save up for that dick joke.

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 6:31 pm

If I donate an organ, what'll that get me?

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 6:33 pm

A new avatar? Your old one is kinda fading…

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 6:51 pm

As am I, m'dear, as an

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

A new avatar?

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 6:40 pm

JINX

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Apparently yours was 11% funnier.

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 10:32 pm

STOP you're reminding me of this thing of yours —>> Radio.
Which at the time, made me laugh but to think of now makes me miss him/ y'all / us.

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Shhh…I'm trying to keep a low profile over here.

weejee June 15, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Is Pedo Bear in Happy Valley attending teh Sandusky trial?

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 7:07 pm

The way he bangs that gavel with both paws is sooo cute, don'tcha think?

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 7:02 pm

[whispers] OKAY I'LL TRY TO BE QUIET

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm

If it's a liver, we'll fly you to the next meeting. First class.

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Are you kidding? Wonkette is my liver.

Tundra Grifter June 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Is it a Steinway or a Henweigh?

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Neither — it's actually an old Potfer.

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Q: What's a "Potfer"?
A: Fer poopin', silly.

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 9:15 pm

What's a Grecian Urn?

jqheywood June 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm

That depends on the organ, if you know what I mean, and I think you do….

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I'd rather have tulips on my organ.

Tundra Grifter June 18, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Instead of roses on your piano?

shortsandpants June 15, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Luckily every donation from every e-mail is coming from me, so there will be no issue as to where Wonkette will party.

M. Szyslak June 15, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Should come to Tucson for Venom Fest, or Heat Stroke Days (right now), or the Nazi Mormon Roundup, or the Non-Denominational Snake Handling Holy Month. Alright, I made up that last one, but we got shit to do here.

finallyhappy June 15, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I think it was WV- but maybe VA- just had a snake handling preacher die from snake bite. The Post did a story on his cult and then on his death

Crank_Tango June 15, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Please have a hotdog at Guero Canelo for me!

Gopherit June 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I live in Arizona. You'll come here at some point anyway out of morbid curiosity.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I sort of want to drag my family there, just to see if they deport half of us for being brown (I would obviously be safe).

banana_bread June 15, 2012 at 8:10 pm

I'm so sorry.

Neoyorquino June 15, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Vegas? Vegas. I'm just sayin'.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I'll be in Vegas on Monday, and in July, August and September.

Neoyorquino June 15, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Me too! But then again, I live here.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Sarah Palin is in Vegas tonight. I'll donate $5,000.00 to you if you hit her with a tomato tonight.

Neoyorquino June 15, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Michelle Malkin and Jonah Goldberg will be there too, apparently. Dammit. I knew I should have stocked up at the farmer's market this morning.

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Urgh:

Las Vegas, Nevada (CNN) – What happens in Vegas will not stay there this weekend as legions of Internet-savvy conservatives, including Sarah Palin, plot and share strategies for better competing with liberals in the digital sphere.

The former Alaska governor is just one of many to attend the fifth annual RightOnline conference in Las Vegas. The gathering will feature brand-name conservative figures rallying the masses and Internet activists hoping to maximize their political efforts on social media like Twitter and Facebook. Some attendees will learn how to use Twitter and Facebook for the first time.

Schmannnity June 15, 2012 at 6:49 pm

This $500 Blogging Chair, does it come with a low volume flush?

rickmaci June 15, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I'm in love with the chick who has her head in the toilet bowl. Will she be coming to one of the parties? $500 to meet my next ex seems cheaper than an eHarmony date.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 15, 2012 at 7:03 pm

You mean if I give $250 I can write 5 blogs about canned pork brains?
*Swoon*

I still want Wonkette underwear…
Boxers, thongs bikini, it's all good.

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 7:28 pm

I can set you up, I've made some girly-undies from Tshirts & can make more from my wonk-tee stash. Have you a lady in your life of Small-Medium measure or shall I mind my business and assume you want them for love of wonkette in general?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 15, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Can you make them cat size?
He's a large cat.

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Indeed, the size-XS tee shirts I got from the bottom of the wonk haberdasher-barrel would only fit the physique of a flabulous cat of your description.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 16, 2012 at 8:26 am

I will trim Aldous Huxely's claws in preparation.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I want KBJ underwear. Preferably with her in it.

Or both of us.

SheriffRoscoe June 15, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I know Wonket will eventually find it's way here to San Fran, thanks to our prolific butt fucking.

Crank_Tango June 15, 2012 at 7:13 pm

When you put it like that, it makes me think I just wasted 25 bucks.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 7:21 pm

While your avatar was temporarily missing, I realized how much I missed tiny Mr. Furley on my Wonkets!

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Although CT is funny on his own merits, the avatar kicks it up a notch.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I know! He (or she) writes funny comments, and then I picture them being said by Mr. Furley, and they're even funnier.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 7:17 pm

I'm sort of amazed that they haven't set up headquarters there, come to think of it.

Heh. "headquarters"

Extemporanus June 15, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Everyone comes here in the end…

Crank_Tango June 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Too soon!

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 7:04 pm

HEY LOOK, WOMEN!

*looks at pics again*

HEY LOOK, TWO OR THREE WOMEN!

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 7:05 pm

How did you score that photo of the Bush twins next to the first paragraph?

redarmybarbie June 15, 2012 at 7:09 pm

One Dollar!?! I thought we could get an abortion for a Dollar? Down at the Abortionplex!

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Two for one on Wednesdays, actually.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I just donated money, and I'm pretty sure that Rebecca proposed in response.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Thank you, Annie!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Every time someone says they gave money, you pop up with a thank you, Barb. Are you getting a cut of the take, or are you just even sweeter than I ever imagined?

Barb June 15, 2012 at 9:35 pm

I guess I am sweeter than you imagined.

CivicHoliday June 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm

This begging for large sums of cash in order to have more of a voice in the World of Wonkette thing is kinda freaking me out. Have you guys all just excepted the new world order post Citizens United? Does that mean those of us stuck eating hobo beans will have our p-ness summarily stripped away and be prohibited from replying to any commenters in the $100+ contribution block?

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm

There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. We have chosen Wonkette to preach our evangel.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 8:00 pm

What can we get for $10,000 of Mitt Rmoney's money?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm

5 blog posts will not be enough to write my manifesto!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Shouldn't you be writing a womanifesto? Or a womanifisto?? *runs off to men's room*

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm

It's pretty much just motorboating, right? I mean, how we should all do it a lot? We can probably summarize, is my point.

Not_So_Much June 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Salt Lake City is within driving distance for me. Plus, it would freak the locals right the fuck out.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Wait! I'm unclear on this 5 Blog Posts prize. We get to choose the topics of 5 blog posts, as in, please write about [I don't know what but something weird and cool], and you do it, or we have to write the 5 blog posts OURSELVES? Cuz that's like, work.

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm

FOR US TO WRITE! For you to insist that we do so!

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 7:42 pm

See, now that's a bargain!

Some people seem to think they get to WRITE the 5 blog posts.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 15, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Thanks for clearing that up.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Who wants to write 5 blog posts? Much more fun to snap your fingers and say, "Write me a blog post about octopi mating!", or… you know… whatever.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Ah, so you'll write the five posts on the Omitting Types Theorem! Even better.

[Addendum: I always felt that Mattel missed an opportunity when there was that Barbie "Math is hard!" kerfloffle. They should have just added a continuation: "Math is hard! It took me all weekend to finish the problem set on the Stone - Čech compactification."]

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 7:57 pm

STOP BEING SO SEXY

banana_bread June 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Even if it's about skullfucking and/or the mentally disabled?

I AM KIDDING, I WOULD NEVER SUGGEST SUCH A TERRIBLE IDEA

Blueb4sunrise June 15, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Might be able to get some nickels and dimes together, depending on how well the fapping to all the hawtness goes.
.
.
.
Probably shoulda copied and rotated them. Neck hurts.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

our beloved Wonkers

I'm sorry, but I still prefer Wonketeers. Can we have a poll to see which we prefer, or is our Editrix an omnipotent dicktater like Preznit O"Bomba?

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 8:02 pm

She DOES live in an area that is heaily populated by Messicans….

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 9:07 pm

I'm leanin' toward "Wonkers" now because it involves less typing for these tired & fat fingers.

trampndirtdown June 15, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I still prefer Worthy Wonket Skum.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 9:25 pm

+1

CapnRadio June 16, 2012 at 1:31 am

Here I go, all up in your grill with correct spelling and shit, but I believe you mean "worthly Wokette skum." No big deal, no one has lost any

not that Radio June 16, 2012 at 8:40 am

Just a typo, sport.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:52 pm

(Hugs the Cap'n) You are, like, such a total steed.

starfanglednut June 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

Teh best!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I thought it was "WorthLy Woket Scum"?

Veritas78 June 15, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Rebecca promised me it would be my choice of Wonquistas, Wonketterae, Won Kae, Wonkecytes, or Wonkezoa. $100 went a long way in the first round!

(One of these infests the digestive tract of its host and slowly transumes its DNA — not sure which. In any case, that sounded better than the tote-bag.)

She also promised that PayPal would double my pee-ness, which apparently is a new "growth-market" for them.

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 12:56 am

pee-ness is SOOOO lucrative, you guys.

BlueStateLibel June 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

We need to start some some of conservative PAC thing to finance these drink tours – how about "Citizens for a Brave America." Make up some wingnut crap for it, and get all the wingnut billionaires to donate to it. Problem solved and I'm sure it's perfectly legal.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 8:03 pm

That's actually a fucking brilliant idea.

Citizens United Never Trust Socialists

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 12:57 am

First rule of Citizens for a Brave America: You do NOT talk about Citizens for a Brave America. Second rule of Citizens for a Brave America: You do NOT talk about Citizens for a Brave America.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:50 pm

"You will all be seeing a post like this every evening until next Friday, because that is payday, and you will fork over your bread, man."

Is it just coincidental that "every evening" is when we're all drunk and pliant?

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I think our Editrix is counting on something similar to Drunk-Buying-Shit-Off-Of-Ebay.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm

That is actually some very dignified retching going on there. If it was me, no one would be holding my hair, and I'm pretty sure that my dress would have ridden up, and I'd be sobbing. And I'd probably miss the toilet, too.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

And the floor and the tub and the toilet are all Mr. Clean clean. I think that photo was stolen from a promotional ad for indoor scuba diving.

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 8:45 pm

And vomit girl still has both her heels on.
You're haven't really partied unless you lose a heel or part of your clothing.
And if you lose all your clothing? You have truly PAR-TAYED!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Jesus! Remember when you'd stagger home at some ungodly hour, and find a lump in your pocket and it was yer UNDERWEAR?

Or, worse yet, when you ran into someone you thought you might know, and he handed you an envelope with your underroos in it and asked if they were yours.

Gunner Asch June 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

And that is one reason I prefer the hallucinogens. (Except peyote, which leads to the same scene as above. At least the only time I ever did peyote I was 3 days walk from a road in the Yosemite backcountry.)

MilwaukeeKent June 16, 2012 at 12:01 am

I work with ICD9 codes in medical billing, and the code for "vomiting alone" (i.e., without nausea) is 787.03…(sob!) "not even a friend to hold your hair!". The woman in the pic at least has a friend to hold her hair. The only other joke is equally lame, "Not tonight, dear, I have a 784.0".

Anyway, will try to send something resembling money at some point, there's a old Monopoly game around the house somewhere…

thebeatgoeson June 16, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I love looking through the ICD9 code book to find gems like moron 317 and Idiot, idiocy (congenital) 318.2. Can we use the codes here in place of the "forbidden R word"? And how about we use 302.81 for that forbidden activity involving a cranium?!

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 1:30 am
banana_bread June 15, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Okay, Chicagoans, let's get on this $1000 train.

But wait, if I meet y'all in person, you'll find out that I'm really fat :(

fuflans June 15, 2012 at 8:54 pm

it's chicago baby. wear it with pride.

MilwaukeeKent June 16, 2012 at 12:03 am

Chicago is doable from here, I'd pitch in.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 1:23 am

Tell me about it.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

And we slender, young sylphs will shudder and turn away.

We're all fat. Or old. Or fucked up in some way. I'm so fucked up I never even leave my house. So go, get your pitcher taken, and let me enjoy it vicariously, OK?

chascates June 15, 2012 at 8:15 pm

So who drank what at this shindig? Good, artisan beer? Small batch bourbon? Well made cocktails (gin)?

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 1:05 am

That bar only serves bathtub rot gut and paint thinner.

OldRedneck June 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm

At 0200, wearing a skin-tight zebra-striped party dress with your head in the toilet!!!

DAMN but I wish I were young again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 8:23 pm

If we party in Colorado Springs, we can all get drunk and go throw up on Doug Lamborn's front porch. Also, it's a major military town, so, LOTS of titty bars!

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

"$250 – Five blog posts on the topic of your choosing, whenever you say. Think of the havoc and misery! Hooray!"

Sorry to say, but I have got to save that $250 to pay the 'lectric bill because summer's here & I fuckin' hate tryin' to go to sleep when it's 75 degrees in middle of night.
Still, if I could spare the dough, I'd make it really easy on the Wonker posters. There'd only be one subject in all 5 posts.
The subject? Butt sex.

Obviously, these would be weekend posts.

finallyhappy June 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I'm not sure what a whip kitten is- probably I don't want the stickers- but I sent $10. It is money I made by answering on line surveys(really)

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 9:14 pm

See the new Wonkette girl logo on the top? The one that looks like Michelle Pfeiffer and Julie Newmar had a love child? That whip kitten.

Fun fact: it's actually a photo of our Editrix.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 16, 2012 at 8:30 am

I figured I could give the stickers to the grand kids.
I'm a bad grandfather who happily married into the position.

Gunner Asch June 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

How much of a donation would it take to go back to the sexy library science major?

fuflans June 15, 2012 at 9:07 pm

now i like this.

but i also like the sexy librarian.

DHarcavy June 15, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I'll donate if you have the next one at Blackie's on the Peninsula.

fuflans June 15, 2012 at 9:00 pm

this is just like the summer pledge drive!

Designer_Radio June 16, 2012 at 1:08 am

With less Alec.

fuflans June 15, 2012 at 9:12 pm

well i forgot to send you $$$ the other night.

BUT!! while i am newly (again) a member of the earnest hard-working job-having middle class, i just spent 1500 clams on my cat and a couple hundred on my fucking computer (FUCKING AGAIN FUCKING LENOVO/IBM WHATEVER) and $10 on some homeless guy outside cvs evanston and also i am looking at about a grand on the car repairs i've put off while i was gainfully unemployed as a full time actor.

so.

i don't think i can do the 2500K level.

but i am going to give you money now and won't you please come to chicago?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 16, 2012 at 12:37 am

"i just spent 1500 clams on my cat "

Those little buggers do hoover up the cocaine like nobody's business. Can't trust 'em.

Seriously though, good for you.

Chichikovovich June 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

i am newly (again) a member of the earnest hard-working job-having middle class
I hadn't heard this great news. Congratulations!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Congratulations on the new job, and on your doing the right thing by the kitteh. I sometimes think mine oughta be gold-plated, as much as they've cost me, the little bastids.

Spurning Beer June 15, 2012 at 9:12 pm

A real pledge drive needs endless dreck like Doo-Wop Reunion specials with boxed DVD sets as a thank-you gift for donations at the $250 level. A week or two of that and we'll pay anything to get back our usual fare of dick jokes and ass fucking references.

Incidentally, I just heard that the Car Talk guys are retiring. Maybe 'Becca can sign them on as columnists for the streaming version of Wonkette.

chascates June 15, 2012 at 9:29 pm

What I hate about PBS pledge drives are the rockers I used to love AS THEY APPEAR NOW! I don't want to see what happens to people I idolized once time, gravity, and mileage takes its toll. Hell, I don't like looking at myself in the mirror!

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 10:51 pm

A few years ago, during a pledge drive, the PBS affiliate here showed a concert film of The Clash. Goddamnit, that made me feel old.

It was still better than those Celtic "singers" lip-syncing to "My Heart Will Go On."

James Michael Curley June 15, 2012 at 9:18 pm

If I ever get to one of these events I am certain I will be surprised at the incorrect assumptions I have made on some of your genders.

Spurning Beer June 15, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Don't try to tell me that Barb and Limey Lizzie are dudes.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I'm a woman, trust me. Otherwise, the hospital just screwed me over when they yanked my junk out.

Spurning Beer June 15, 2012 at 9:42 pm

You're sure they didn't say "mister-ectomy"?

Barb June 15, 2012 at 9:46 pm

I've given birth 3 times. : )

GorzoTheMighty June 15, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Personally I am withholding my $1 for the interpretive dancing, which I believe is a lap dance with a happy ending, if you know what I mean, I think you do.

tomrfinn June 15, 2012 at 10:19 pm

votes for Orange County? I know the Editrix is in.

dogscantlookup June 15, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I got a few 1000s lbs o igneous rocks, canz u cum ta Minneapolis MN plzz?

BTWBFDIMHO June 15, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I wish I have two private minutes with Rebecca to show her…how to rotate pictures.

BTWBFDIMHO June 16, 2012 at 12:06 am

The last picture deserves some editing https://picasaweb.google.com/11400799981044075510

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 16, 2012 at 12:45 am

My five blog posts (It should only take me about five years to save $250):
1. Doomsday (zombie apocalypse) preparation
2. The art of cheesemaking
3. A dissertation on why Belgium is the root of all evil
4. An essay of the finer points of motorboating
5. Skullf*cking for Dummies.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 16, 2012 at 12:46 am

Pledge drive, eh?

I'll give some more when I get paid. As long as that reprobate MittBorg doesn't get any of it.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2012 at 1:21 am

He'll drink your mortgage underwater, that one!

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 16, 2012 at 1:26 am

He'd smoke your weed and claim the cat ate it. Cannot trust that man.

owhatever June 16, 2012 at 1:14 am

Suffer for your art.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 16, 2012 at 1:19 am

Also, too, who's the ginger? She looks fun.

Fuck Toad June 16, 2012 at 3:27 am

Hmm, let's see. I definitely need to have a Wonkette post along the lines of "Rotund Computer Nerds With Glasses And A Bit Of A Lisp: America's Most Desired Sex Icons". This is compelling.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 16, 2012 at 8:33 am

A tote bag would go great with my Wonkette T-Shirt….

BZ1 June 16, 2012 at 10:39 am

Personally, I like anyone who has the fashion sense to wear a bolo tie.

owhatever June 16, 2012 at 12:41 pm

It is good to see you are transporting yourselves closer. Please to invite to my hometown in Lagos, Nigeria, whence my fortune is located. The 2,000 US dollars you have gathered is sufficient to downpay on my lawyers, who promise immediately action. But we need the money wired urgently. You can send more later. you are wonderful amd will soon be very rich.

ttommyunger June 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Sorry, most of my cash goes for booze and broads; the rest I just blow.

Madam Killjoy June 17, 2012 at 1:45 am

I can't possibly be the only Wonketeer Drinky Person in the Greater Little Reed Covered Waterhole Lodge or Whatever Area… FDR's home county who didn't even vote for him… Sin City represent!!
**crickets**
Thought as much… But surely we can haz party in NYC and I can just hop on a south-bound train?

thefrontpage June 18, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Who is the girl in red in the picture? She's hot! I think I slept with her once. Or twice. I don't know the other girl.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Your family is from Saskatoon or Regina? Because spending time in Regina gave me a perfect sense of what death would be like, except that I was alive. But Saskatoon rocked.—

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Saskatoon. And Moosejaw. And Bigger. I've never been to Regina, but you would think that every Stooner was legally obliged to pronounce the name out loud every couple of minutes, just to watch the American relatives squirm.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Saskatoon rhymes with spitoon and Regina rhymes with vagina. Sounds like the start of a great limerick. But I'm still sober (at work *frowny face*), so I'll leave it to someone who is a better poet than I am**.

**almost anyone

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Well, then you really wouldn't like to hear how my roughneck colleagues pronounced "Regina Ramada Inn".

[Also, I believe it's "Biggar", but my high-school geography mojo is fading.]

Warpde June 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm

My Mom was born and raised in Biggar.
Then she came to her senses and moved to BC.
"New York is big, but this is Biggar."

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Well, women can wear heels and look elegant rather than dopey, so it balances out.

BelleSC June 17, 2012 at 9:12 am

Now I feel short at 5'9"

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Right you are! I done forgot.

Spurning Beer June 15, 2012 at 8:05 pm

My mom graduated from Moose Jaw Normal School almost 70 years ago.

Normality is a relative thing, of course. In Saskatchewan, it's defined by a score of 10 or below on the Glasgow Coma Scale.

weejee June 15, 2012 at 7:10 pm

We do have a 24" wide x whatever printer. Have to clean the jets, we don't use it so much, so much with electronic copies these days. Perhaps do a cutout of the whip kitten, with the face cut out so the attendees could put their face in the cut-out along with Rebecca masks?

Crank_Tango June 15, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Aw shucks, now I think I am going to start having Mr Furley as the voice of my internal monologue…

Also, a he : )

fuflans June 15, 2012 at 8:51 pm

yup. that's good stuff chet.

chicago representing.

Chichikovovich June 18, 2012 at 8:37 am

Sure, I've used all those. But the "I was an African American poet in Paris in the 90s" always works best.

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 9:17 pm

I have such a fondness for Don Knotts. I still think he doesn't get enough props for his comedic acting.
Yeah, I know he's dead & won 5 Emmys but still…

Barb June 15, 2012 at 9:31 pm

I just hope Palin doesn't shoot anyone from a helicopter at the Bunny Ranch.

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm

legions of Internet-savvy conservatives…will learn how to use Twitter and Facebook for the first time.

How could this plan possibly fail?

GorzoTheMighty June 15, 2012 at 9:48 pm

and so blessed are those children

Spurning Beer June 15, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Okay then. But I'm pretty sure Baldar is a guy.

chascates June 15, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Possibly. We raise pork on our farm as does our neighbor. If not ours it would be from Niman Ranch. Was your job north of the river (Congress Avenue Booksellers?

Barb June 15, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Thanks Gorzo, you are so sweet.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Yep- worked at CAB. I believe that it is no longer extant, but that wasn't me- it was still a going concern when I left…

Butch_Wagstaff June 15, 2012 at 10:42 pm

If I ever won the Megamillions Sucker Bet, the first trip I'd take would be to Las Vegas.
I'm not into gambling at all. I'd just go there for the magic shows (especially Penn & Teller) & probably go see Frank Marino.

Beowoof June 16, 2012 at 8:45 am

She will be at the Bunny Ranch looking for work for Bristol after the latest reality show fails. It is one thing she can do.

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat…

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Just kidding. I'll be glad when we're all back together. I envision us lifting him up on our shoulders and carrying him around the room while singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".

chascates June 15, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Unfortunately it and so many other small, independent bookshops closed. We've had a couple of places with outstanding periodicals shut down, even though they were close to the university. I've spent several thousand dollars with Amazon but it's really the bibliophile equivalent of Walmart. I buy most books used, even from Amazon, but many from Austin's Half Price Books. *sigh*
So many books, such a short lifetime.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I can relate to your plight after more than a decade working for Indies. All gone now, or I'd probably still be at it. Now I am trying to sell off some of my books since I'm planning to move to a smaller space soon- tricky!

MilwaukeeKent June 15, 2012 at 11:41 pm

That's a really horrible thing to visualize…and is that what the kids (er…) are calling it these days?

Barb June 16, 2012 at 10:03 am

Penn & Teller appeared here a few weeks ago.

starfanglednut June 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Right?

Isyaignert June 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Wahoo! My dream came true!!! I hope to see yous guys at the Latona Pub on the 30th.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Hahaha! You chip in, too!

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

None of us have succeeded with that one.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Stick with me, pdog. We Little Peeple must protect each other.

MosesInvests June 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

The more I looked at it, the more I liked it….

not that Radio June 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

I WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SEE IT

Chet Kincaid June 18, 2012 at 10:25 am

You'd probably be able to sling a stanza or two on "Def Poetry Profs"…

Tundra Grifter June 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

These days not much.

not that Radio June 18, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Not even a drachma a day?

Tundra Grifter June 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm

A drachma a day
Keeps the Euro in play.

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