RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  12:25 pm June 15, 2012

The President’s Famous And Farming Is Hot

by Sulagna Misra

Tyra was rooting for you, Mitt! Unlike anyone elseIt’s Friday! Lounge in some articles about presidential legacies, lazy candidates, and a changing farming industry.

  • Here’s an article about why presidents shouldn’t be concerned about how they will look when they go down in history. We’re pretty sure the main thing history is going to remember about President Obama is he was the first black president to love gay people! That is, until another one of those comes along and we remember he signed off on the “indefinite detention” act. [The Atlantic]
  • Can Mitt win by doing nothing? The GOP seems to prefer it. It’s like they’re at a stage where whatever Romney does, they go, “GOD, can you STOP? WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A MESS OF THINGS. YOU ARE A DISGRACE.” We at Wonkette like to imagine the GOP as an episode of America’s Next Top Model. [Salon]
  • This article is about how we can change and fix and ameliorate the American agricultural industry so we can make more money and be better people! Hopefully, the new reboot of Dallas will help make farming sexy again. [Slate]
  • And finally, open up a cool can of Coke, which nearly all of the world drinks now! Except two countries, one of which will make you go, “Those poor souls! Good thing they have relatively good healthcare!” and the other of which will just make you depressed in general at the state of the world. Hint: It’s not Syria or Iran. [NPR]
 
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{ 122 comments }

nounverb911 June 15, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I gave up Coke to commemorate the Coca Cola Atlanta Olympics.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 15, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Can Mitt win by doing nothing?

Also, will he baptize his campaign on November 7th?

Serolf_Divad June 15, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I like to think of the 2012 GOP nomination contest as a whole season of Dancing with the tards.

WhatTheHeck June 15, 2012 at 12:33 pm

But who leads? And who has their hand on the other’s butt?

Serolf_Divad June 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm

All of them, Katie.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Bristol?

Antispandex June 15, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Is it possible that a new Mitt strategy is on the way? It might be called STFU. It's just crazy enough to work.

nounverb911 June 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Obama's a blah person? When did that happen?

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Poor Mitt… no Coke for him!!

Toomush_Infer June 15, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Actually – back in the mid sixties, then Morman high mucky-muck Andrew(?) Mcsomething(?), had a dream in which God pointed out the virtues of Coca Cola financing, and it was suddenly ok for Mormans to drink coke – check it out (I'm too lazy today)….

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Well darn! A perfectly good urban legend bites the dust.

Terry June 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

"Can Mitt win by doing nothing?"

The GOP would prefer it, then once he's in office that he just politely do as he's told.

Schmannnity June 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

RC Cola Libre? Feh.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

"We at Wonkette like to imagine the GOP as an episode of America’s Next Top Model."
Romney is just dumb enough to think that Tyra Banks is an offshore financial institution.

WhatTheHeck June 15, 2012 at 12:35 pm

into which/whom he would like to leave a few deposits.

freakishlywrong June 15, 2012 at 12:38 pm

She is Blah.

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Oooh, the Moron Church would not approve.

prommie June 15, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Poor Obama, he's gonna be remembered as the first black president, whose election so galvanized the ignorant racist hick fucktard element of US society that they formed brown-shirt battalions called "tea parties" and kicked off the nation's descent into fascism.

Generation[redacted] June 15, 2012 at 12:44 pm

2012 will finally answer the question first posed by Abraham Lincoln: Will the first black President carry the Southern states?

Nah, I'm just kidding, even Lincoln knew the answer to that one.

nounverb911 June 15, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Did Bobby Ewing dream the last 21 years again?

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Mitt Romney killed JR and then sold him off for parts….

tessiee June 15, 2012 at 1:10 pm

That would make it really…
*does math*
That means it's really 1991?
Oh, God, please yes!

AbandonHope June 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Everybody pull out your Super Nintendos and go to malls!

mavenmaven June 15, 2012 at 12:32 pm

The GOP primary campaign was more exactly like America's Top Model when Rick Perry was still in it.

Jus_Wonderin June 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Isn't Rick Perry a Bottom Model?

freakishlywrong June 15, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"Can Mitt win by doing nothing?"
Grover is counting on it. "All he has to do is be able to hold a pen. And sign the Ryan budget, which is what we want". Sociopathic asshole.

WABishop June 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm

He doesn't even need to sign — I'm sure they'd be happy to move the paper for him.

lulzmonger June 15, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Can Mitt win by doing nothing?

Can Joseph Smith find magical silver plates in a cornfield?

Some moons back I wondered if maybe the GOP would go with a Berlusconi Gambit this time around … actually, it might be their best bet – God knows their actual policy plans stink like sun-baked roadkill.

SexySmurf June 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Can Mitt win by doing nothing?…It’s like they’re at a stage where whatever Romney does, they go, “GOD, can you STOP? WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A MESS OF THINGS. YOU ARE A DISGRACE.”

That sounds more like an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

freakishlywrong June 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Remember when Bruce Jenner was a guy?

SexySmurf June 15, 2012 at 12:42 pm

That was back when he did more physical activity than just shifting his weight from one ass cheek to the other.

Generation[redacted] June 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

He went from Wheaties box to Krispy Kreme.

Jus_Wonderin June 15, 2012 at 12:52 pm

When I saw him again after all these years I asked my friends to NEVER let me do that to myself. He looks freakish.

freakishlywrong June 15, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Harrrumph! I take umbrage!.

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm

My guess was Utah.

Hera Sent Me June 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I knew the GOP was making a mistake when they decided to postpone Romney's next firmware upgrade until after the election.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm
gullywompr June 15, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I'm offended that all this talk about Mitt Romney's campaign makes no mention of Ron Paul whatsoever. Why is the media ignoring the real Republicans?

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Mitt doing nothing is a good demonstration of free market principles.

MLHencken June 15, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Remember during the GOP primary when Rick 'Gaylord' Perry was always gettin' on the TV saying crazy shit?

Good times.

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 1:07 pm

And Mitt trying to out-crazy him with his immigration policies and $10,000 bets.

Blueb4sunrise June 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

The two alleged 'NO COKE' countries are based on the CIA Factbook, so, BULLSHIT.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Re: Cola: I guessed right, and then realized that it was not really an achievement.

gullywompr June 15, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Without looking it up, might I guess North Korea and Sudan?

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:08 pm

half right, and I won't tell you which half.

But think what country an Atlanta-based company would get into trouble for selling to…?

gullywompr June 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Made me look. I'm surprised, both by being wrong about that one "country" I picked, and by the one that I should have picked.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Yiou don't need a functioning gummint to buy Co'Cola

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Half right. (I looked.)

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Well, it can't be any worse than when he opens his mouth and says stuff out loud, in front of people. I say he should give it a shot.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Say what you want about Obama, he's an inspiration to those of us born on foreign soil.

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

What are the choices for the Romney campaign? Either say nothing, or talk about what you will do, which everyone hates.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I have a friend who sells crafts at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. She says she's a lezzie fair capitalist.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm

My pal who knits scarves out of collie hair says almost the same thing!

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Oh, I get it…Lassie faire capitalism.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Close , but not fur enough…

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Doggone it, you guys. Terrierists.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Beagle Jet Airliner, don't you take me too far away…

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The puns in Michigan are all the same height!

Sassomatic June 15, 2012 at 12:51 pm

It's my birthday! Can I get a giant Wonkette p-ness for my birthday?

Blueb4sunrise June 15, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Only giant dildos here.

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm

HEY NOW. I… *looks down*… oh.

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 1:09 pm

She said it was already a good size, but I guess they always say that.

freakishlywrong June 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I can fist you once and say Happy Birthday!

Sassomatic June 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm

So far all I've gotten is a Bloody Mary and the news that my brother has to go to rehab. But at least that got me out of work!

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Happy birthday, Gemini. (Being a Gemini you have better things than giant p-ness.)

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 1:53 pm

*high fives you*

MAY 30 REPRESENT.

tessiee June 15, 2012 at 2:31 pm

^^
^
Oh, you Geminis!
You're not scary and evil like Scorpios; you're charming.
You charm everyone else, and *then* break our hearts.

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 3:48 pm

We just like to have fun. Which apparently breaks others' hearts. Go figure.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Happy late birthday, EQ! And a belated thumbs up…

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Gemini also!! Hey-o!

(Tune in for my other personality piping up shortly.)

Geminisunmars June 15, 2012 at 5:32 pm

A Gemini alone is never lonely – there is always someone to talk to.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Happy birthday! I will slam face-first into 50 come Monday.

widestanceromance June 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm

My condolences are wide-stanced for you, DZ. I hope you also get an AARP card for your 50th, as I did.

freakishlywrong June 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm

"Looks like SOMEbody's got a case of the fifties". (It's fine, I speak from experience, Doktor).

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Buncha young folks here. Happy L. or XXXXX.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I usually start easing into it by thinking of myself as being whatever the next year is a couple months in advance. That bit me on the butt four years ago, when I'd already gotten so used to the idea of being 47 that, on my actual birthday, I bemoaned turning 48…and then did the math.

My grasp on reality is often loose enough that no one will be able to tell when I actually do get Alzheimers.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 5:20 pm

That should be good enough to count for some free birthday drinks in ol'Seattle couple weeks hence…

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"Can Mitt win by doing nothing?"

Two words:

LASER VAGINA RESTORATION

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 12:56 pm

A relative was temporarily detained by DHS for having a "Corsica Cola" sticker on her passport, though I'm sure things would have been worse had it been "Mecca Cola."

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 1:01 pm

DHS is just being sensible. We wouldn't want another Napoleon running loose.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I don't think Romney needs to do anything. The slogan "Romney: He'll Do Exactly What Bush Did, But It'll Work This Time!!" will do all the work for him. Sells itself, frankly.

BarackMyWorld June 15, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I thought Mitt's slogan was this.

tessiee June 15, 2012 at 1:16 pm

You like that better than:
"Romney: He's White"?

WABishop June 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm

David Frum suggested this: "Obama could not fix the mess we made. Vote us."

weejee June 15, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Not a rumor

Seattle and environers meet-up:
When: Saturday June 30 starting @ 6:30 PM
Where: Latona Pub upstairs loft & pavillion
Green Lake 2 blocks away for post fest skinny dipping (don't need no stinkin' pool)

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I will move heaven earth, and possibly repairs to my '73 Chevy, Vlad the Impala, to drive in from Boise. Any Seattle-area Wonketeers have a couch I could surf? (Really, the gas will eat up my disposable fun budget, and I am asking for help…will sleep in a sleeping bag in the car if I have to, but…anyone with a spare couch? Or hell, dry basement?)

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Hey there,

I live in a studio-ish condo not too far from the Latona Pub in question. Given that I am a young (cough, cough, OK early middle age), toothsome (debatable) lady, I'm hesitant to commit to hosting an Internet stranger.

However, I might be convinced to let you sleep at my place and I'll go sleep at my mom's house (which is also not far away, and which I do often). You won't steal all my stuff, will you? I don't actually have anything "worth" stealing, but being as you're a Wonketteer, I'm more worried you'll steal all my books or something.

You can email me at emmelemm AT yahoo dot com.

Nostrildamus June 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Thanks, see you there.

OldWhiteLies June 15, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I'm in. However skinny ain't happening any time soon, and I'm thinking I'll substitute au jus for dip.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Will be there.

Also, note: last night, getting off at the Betty Page exit, there was a homeless guy at the end of the ramp with a sign that said:

Need Dilithium Crystals
4 Warp Drive
Space ship broke

I love Seattle.

weejee June 15, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Last night just before getting off at the same Betty Page exit heading to the Latona, there were folks on the 50th overpass waving sings with "Corporations are NOT People" signs who were getting a lot of honks and flashing lights.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Where are all the Seattle peeps? There've got to be at least 15 or so who've outed themselves previously…

BoatOfVelociraptors June 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Reporting for doody!

Generation[redacted] June 15, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Mitt already has a winning strategy of driving around in circles honking.

Remember when George H.W. Bush did donuts in Homer Simpson's front lawn? That's what it's going to look like when Romney loses.

ElPinche June 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Can Mitt win by doing nothing?
My wife thinks that Mittens will not partake in any of debates this general election. At first I thought that was redonk, but I'm beginning to think this might happen.

mrpuma2u June 15, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I hope she's wrong, but she could be on to sumtin dere. If I were Romney's handlers, I would sure keep him away from a debate with Barry, he'll get cut to pieces.

ttommyunger June 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I'm just thankful that Gens. Powell or Petraeus decided to run. Either of those two fucksticks would be as disastrous as Romney, but have a much better chance of winning.

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 1:54 pm

What if he picks Petraeus for veep? Christ O'Malley.

ttommyunger June 15, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Scary prospect. Not sure his ego would allow him to play second banana to Mittens….Hell, I wouldn't, and I never got above Sgt E-5, although I did make that twice, I guess that would make me an E-10, right?

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I only made E-4, but in a very short time, like 13 months or so. Because I was Radar, and I could do that.

ttommyunger June 15, 2012 at 10:21 pm

I found you can do anything you're big enough to do.

Infrogmation June 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I did some archaeology in Central America in my youth, spending time in villages just barely reachable by land rover or jeep– no electricity, no phone, no mail service. But there was always Coca-Cola. Places where the nearest "store" was a corner of a thatched-hut which might or might not have stock consisting of a couple of cheap steel knives and a plastic jug — but there was always Coca-Cola, available air temperature in the bottle. Sure, other brands could be found — when you went into a *town*. But any location, on or off the map, where diligent search could find a couple of people with 50 cents of disposable income a year, Coca-Cola was there to make their profit.

When other companies brag about their market penetration, Coca-Cola privately smirks to itself, "Yeah, right".

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm

In the olden days of NPR, John Ciardi did an essay where he said if you wanted to build a statue depicting America's global cultural influence, it would be a statue of Mickey Mouse, holding a bottle of Coca-Cola, inscribed with the motto "O.K."

CivicHoliday June 15, 2012 at 7:38 pm

There are a few places on the planet without coke. Those places have Fanta instead. (much of rural subsaharan Africa falls into that category)

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 1:55 pm

*looks at "family photo" of Bushes and Obamas on the Atlantic linky*

Man alive, but Laura looks like she's already had about 15 Xanax and is well on her way to chasing them with a gallon of gin.

ElPinche June 15, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Good grief .. she's going Callista Gingrich! But she's not quite at Bathsalt Bachmann levels yet.

tessiee June 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Also, Dumb-ass looks shitfaced drunk and is visibly tilting to one side. If Laura didn't have that death grip on his arm, he'd have fallen down already.

tessiee June 15, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Also, farming is famous and the President is hot.

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Well, the young'uns on the new Dallas do seem to do a lot of plowing…

owhatever June 15, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Polar bears drink Coke, and you see what's happening to them.

gurukalehuru June 15, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Would it have fucking killed you to write "Cuba and North Korea" instead of forcing me to click through to NPR who in turn forced me to click through to some goddamned CIA site?

Although I guessed Cuba from your health care line. What do they mix with their rum?

James Michael Curley June 15, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I sort of believe I got that right. But I also spent a couple years defending The Coca-Cola Co. against "Who put this mouse in my Coke?" law suits. Answer, the bottler, The Coca-Cola Co does not bottle any product you can buy and the bottlers are all independents.

Jadetiger79 June 18, 2012 at 2:49 am

Wow, I never knew that. I live in Atlanta, Coca Cola headquarters…you think that would be common knowledge.

BklynE June 15, 2012 at 4:15 pm

"We at Wonkette like to imagine the GOP as an episode of America’s Next Top Model."
The GOP would definitely be getting the "edgy, icy blonde" makeover. Oh, to have been an episode during the bat-shit crazy Janice Dickenson years . . .

deanbooth June 15, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Probably Mitt's best strategy is to fake a coma until two, make that one, day before the election.

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I'll see your umbrage and raise you a propinquitous kerfuffle.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I raise you a pair of propactvisit arms, and a Htiler

Generation[redacted] June 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That's it. I'm driving off in a Huff. It's a 2-seater Huff. Anyone need a ride downtown?

Generation[redacted] June 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

In fact, you need a strong central government to keep Coca Cola out.

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Thanks, but I hate going outside.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Mayor Bloomberg, is that you?

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