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A Children’s Treasury Of Michigan Lawmakers That Ladies Should Not Sex

In response to anti-abortion legislation that Michigan Planned Parenthood calls the “biggest assault on women’s health in our state’s history,” kick-ass state Rep. Rashida Tlaib called on ladies to to go Full Lysistrata to keep this from becoming law. (That is not Rashida Tlaib in the video above; it is Rep. Lisa Brown, being whorish by uttering the shocking swear “vagina” when discussing women’s vaginas. Rep. Brown had to go sit in the naughty corner for the rest of the day.)

Tlaib didn’t go far enough, obviously. There are some Arizona Michigan lawmakers who should never, ever again get sexed by a lady because of these bills and so many other reasons.

Michigan Speaker of the House Jase Bolger

Speaker of the House Jase Bolger (R)
Bolger told Brown and her fellow representative Barb Byrum they would not be allowed to speak for the rest of the day for having used the whorish words “vagina” and “vasectomy” in the mixed company of the state house floor. Words make him uncomfortable. Jase Bolger may not be emotionally mature enough to sex, so don’t sex him.

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Michigan Sen. Roger Kahn

State Sen. Roger Kahn (R)
There’s a writer named Roger Kahn who hung out with Jackie Robinson and wrote a book about it. This is not him. This Kahn once compared a judge to Soviet firing squads because the judge made a billionaire honor a contract. Do do not sex this plutocrat-loving drink of water.

Michigan Rep. Dave Agema

Rep. Dave Agema (R)
Agema, a Republican National Committeeman, is awful in so many ways. One time he tried to cut funding to a program that buys clothes for orphans. Seriously. Even Dickens villains agree, do not sex Dave Agema.

Michigan Sen. Coleman Young II

Sen. Coleman Young, II (D)
The (blood test-confirmed) son of legendary Detroit mayor Coleman Young, Jr. once gave a legislative invocation that (among other bizarre things) included this: “We know that with Your almighty power behind us, Father God, that we can form an invincible juggernaut, we can form a league of bipartisanship, we can create an omnipotent supernova…” Omnipotent supernovas cannot be good for lady parts. Also, hello? Separation of church and state. No sexing Coleman II.

Former Michigan Rep. David Jaye via Facebook

former Sen. David Jaye (R)
This guy was booted from the legislature after allegations of drunk driving, domestic violence, and porn on his work computer. Also, one time a gun fell out of his pocket in the state Capitol. Not only should no lady ever sex David Jaye, no man should ever sex any lady who sexes David Jaye. Look at the dude. Gross.

Six Michigan Democrats who voted for anti-abortion bills.Democratic Six (D)
These six Democrats (Charles Brunner, Paul Clemente, Bob Constan, George Darany, Richard LeBlanc, Lesia Liss) voted in support of legislation Planned Parenthood calls “biggest assault on women’s health in our state’s history.” Democrats. Ladies, never sex the above people ever again.

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About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick

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119 comments

  1. chascates

    All legislators should be prohibited by law from having sex. And any practicing lawyer in America should be sterilized.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Ouch…I agree about the legislators, but there are some decent lawyers, even a few on Wonkette I hear.

    2. miss_grundy

      They should be kicked in the groin repeatedly by women wearing steel-toed boots or shoes. And while they are being kicked, the only word these men should hear is "Vagina!" (Do I sound angry, much??????)

      If I had my way, these people would be hanging from every tree, streetlamp, pole, that I could find here in Michigan.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Dude's gotta do something while waiting for his sexytime wife to come to his senses. When the world removes sex…go curling!

  2. byepluto

    In Michigan, one may only refer to ladybits as "cooter" on the House floor.

    This is known.

  3. chicken_thief

    Why did Dave Agema have his pic taken with his boy friend – is he officially out?!

  4. chicken_thief

    So there were a few allegations of drunk driving, domestic violence, and porn on his work computer. David Jaye clearly loves long walks on the beach at sunset, so it's all good.

  5. Pragmatist2

    This won't have any effect unless the truck stop hookers these guys usually get their jollies with sign up. Their wives cut them ofd long ago.

    1. eggsacklywright

      That's called an absolute event horizon, I believe. These pols don't like string theory, either. Reminds them of tampons.

  6. Chow Yun Flat

    the more than 60% of women who are coerced into having an abortion

    Joseph Goebbels would be proud of Michigan Catholic Conference Policy Advocate Rebecca Mastee

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Well, if by "coerced" you mean "living in a situation where they do not want to go forward with the pregnancy," then it's probably around 96%, excluding, of course, the 4% who just have abortions for the sheer fun of it.

  7. Goonemeritus

    Vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina I will patiently await societies just condemnation.

    1. Schmannnity

      Vagina . . .
      (sings)
      The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
      Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina . . .
      All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .
      Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina . . .
      Vagina!
      I've just met a girl named Vagina,
      And suddenly that name
      Will never be the same
      To me.
      Vagina!
      I've just kissed a girl named Vagina,
      And suddenly I've found
      How wonderful a sound
      Can be!
      Vagina!
      Say it loud and there's music playing,
      Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

      Vagina,
      I'll never stop saying Vagina!

      The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
      Vagina!

    2. OneYieldRegular

      With all due respect, I don't think the "monologues" part of "The Vagina Monologues" means that one just repeats the word "vagina" over and over – though as supplemental performance art I am completely in support.

    3. new_pic_for_NEWTer

      I refer you to youtube and Ms. Storm Large's lovely song "My Vagina is Eight Miles Wide"…

      great minds – see the link downthread from Elviously Q.

      Thanks EQ

  8. jodyleek

    Oh, good lord, those people are hideous! It looks like a line-up of Matt Groening characters.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Aw, but one of my kinks is sexing fat white guys involved in state politics. Oh, well. I guess I will have to go with one of my other kinks next time I'm in Michigan (ie. never)

    1. GhostBuggy

      As a Michigander, I agree: don't ever come here. The coastline fantastic and Detroit actually has some really cool stuff, so you could stick to the perimeter and generally be OK, though. It's a lot like America, actually.

  10. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA

    1. IncenseDebate

      ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV

    2. OneYieldRegular

      "CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTTTTTTTTTTCH!" – Tales of the City

  11. Chow Yun Flat

    Rashida Tlaib is quite wonderful. She is a Muslim whose parents emigrated from Palestine and who represents a district that is Black, Hispanic and poor. She has led the fight against billionaire toad Matty Maroun whose illegal bridge expansion plans would crush the neighborhoods in her district.

    Lovely person, lots of constituent service, one of the few Michigan pols who deserves respect.

    1. AnAmericanInTO

      You don't suppose she might be willing to accept some money from Vagina'd and Pro-Vagina Americans?

  12. comrad_darkness

    If you can't take the nomenclature stay the hell out of the house (and senate).

    Jesus, what a bunch of four year olds.

  13. Mittens Howell, III

    Just to be clear, Ladies–I NEVER supported any of those vagina-hating bills.

    So, you know, I'm ready …

  14. Billmatic

    My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

  15. Mittens Howell, III

    Nice to see a Lady Democrat on that list. I'd like to announce, after careful deliberation and consulting with my family, that from now on I will not be having sex with Lesia Liss.

  16. randcoolcatdaddy

    She should be calling for all the rent boys in Michigan to go on strike. That would really hit them where it hurts.

  17. CrunchyKnee

    When was the last time Barbera Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes… where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya! RAY BOLGER… IS LOOKIN' OUT FOR RAY BOLGER!

  18. Chichikovovich

    This will not totally end the sex life of these Solons. They will continue giving the daily blowjob to Matty Maroun.

    1. viennawoods13

      Matty's having a tough day. They're announcing the new bridge is going ahead. He'll need lots of blowjobs to get over that.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I saw that – and the announcement was great news. Because Canada and the Feds, plus whoever wins the contract to build the thing, must to agree to front all the money, the Michigan legislature seems to be effectively cut out of the loop. But I'm sure Maroun and his battalion of lawyers and bought politicos have many more tricks up their sleeves. I won't be sure I'll see that bridge in my lifetime until I actually drive over it.Once the second bridge is built, if I were the Ontario Premier, I would close off all the roads leading to Maroun's bridge. That's what happens when you are a lawbreaking asshole holding up economic development for two countries, weasel. Harder to buy elections in Canada, thanks to public financing and no Citizen's United.[What amazes me is all the Republican hacks and their paid mouthpieces like the economics chair at Hillsdale "College" talking about the huge loss of money being risked. As Maroun shows all too well, those bridges can taken in a comfortable profit indeed.]—

        1. viennawoods13

          Harder to buy elections in Canada, but Stephen Harper's working on it. He axed the per-vote subsidy as soon as he got hs majority.

  19. FakaktaSouth

    I swear to God if not for fuckwad cunts like this, I would be a nice fucking person. How is it the dumbest, worst possible people keep having important, smart people jobs? Are there also a bunch of smart people walking around doing dumbass jobs?

    1. GeneralLerong

      Yeah! Yeah! Can we tie 'em behind the truck and drag 'em?

      Oh. Well, back to sitting quietly in my armchair, reading Twilight of the Elites.

    2. MosesInvests

      I try to see the best in people, and idiots like this make it a real challenge, let me tell you. BTW, welcome to Austin! Maybe we can get a mini-Wonkette get-together Sunday evening or Monday while you're here.

    3. Angry_Marmot

      My barroom opinion is that smart people have better things to do with their time and energy than chase after power… but the fuckwads of this world are relentless.

      1. MittBorg

        Smart people are smart enough to figure out what really matters in life. Power is nice, and can get you munniez and sexxxing, but nobody ever died regretting they hadn't achieved enough POWER.

  20. YasserArraFeck

    "And finally, Mr Speaker. I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina, but no means no"

    Awesome.

  21. hagajim

    The only person I can imagine sexing David Jaye with that mustache would be a 70s porn star. Dude has a Dirk Diggler complex.

  22. Dildeaux

    The Dild feels if wimmens werent so overly-possessive of their ladyparts, then this kinda muzzling wouldnt be absolutely necessary. They bring it on themselves, dontcha see.

  23. didgen

    What has brought out all of this vagina phobia? Did the Republicans find some necronomicon recipe for success that will turn them into Cthullu-bots?

  24. OneYieldRegular

    Lesia Liss?? Oh come on, Wonkette. You really expect us to believe you're not making that up?

  25. Eve8Apples

    Does Speaker of the House Jase Bolger have an email address? I would like to flood his inbox with pictures of vaginas and tell him that is the closest he will ever get to a vagina the rest of his life.

  26. fawkedifiknow

    Why is it that when I look at the pix, and the blurbs about these people, I think it's carrying coal to Newcastle – or beer to Milwaukee – to tell the ladies not to sex them?

  27. valthemus

    Do floor speeches get any better than this?

    Rep. Brown: "I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but no means no."

  28. Tommmcattt

    See ladies! You too can be a patriot and tide the stem of facism in this country by going about your business and not doing exactly what you wouldn't have done in the first place!.

  29. scvirginia

    I feel that I can safely promise to never willingly sex any of those Michigan lawfakers.

  30. BklynE

    Who's the Guy Fieri-Anderson Cooper hybrid up there with the gold tooth? I'm glad I've been forewarned to not sex him, because he is awfully tempting (though I have a feeling the Democratic 6 are all taking care of each other JUST fine)…

  31. SusanOtter

    It is getting really embarrassing to live in Michigan. Especially in Jace Bolger's district. And, no, it's not my fault he's there. Vagina vagina vagina. So there. I hope these fine women get out of the bad chairs soon. We need their sensible voices. Vagina. I just had to say it one morer time.

Comments are closed.