ELLEN JAMESIAN SOCIETY FOUNDING MEMBERS  10:10 am June 15, 2012

A Children’s Treasury Of Michigan Lawmakers That Ladies Should Not Sex

by Jeff Wattrick

In response to anti-abortion legislation that Michigan Planned Parenthood calls the “biggest assault on women’s health in our state’s history,” kick-ass state Rep. Rashida Tlaib called on ladies to to go Full Lysistrata to keep this from becoming law. (That is not Rashida Tlaib in the video above; it is Rep. Lisa Brown, being whorish by uttering the shocking swear “vagina” when discussing women’s vaginas. Rep. Brown had to go sit in the naughty corner for the rest of the day.)

Tlaib didn’t go far enough, obviously. There are some Arizona Michigan lawmakers who should never, ever again get sexed by a lady because of these bills and so many other reasons.

Michigan Speaker of the House Jase Bolger

Speaker of the House Jase Bolger (R)
Bolger told Brown and her fellow representative Barb Byrum they would not be allowed to speak for the rest of the day for having used the whorish words “vagina” and “vasectomy” in the mixed company of the state house floor. Words make him uncomfortable. Jase Bolger may not be emotionally mature enough to sex, so don’t sex him.

Michigan Sen. Roger Kahn

State Sen. Roger Kahn (R)
There’s a writer named Roger Kahn who hung out with Jackie Robinson and wrote a book about it. This is not him. This Kahn once compared a judge to Soviet firing squads because the judge made a billionaire honor a contract. Do do not sex this plutocrat-loving drink of water.

Michigan Rep. Dave Agema

Rep. Dave Agema (R)
Agema, a Republican National Committeeman, is awful in so many ways. One time he tried to cut funding to a program that buys clothes for orphans. Seriously. Even Dickens villains agree, do not sex Dave Agema.

Michigan Sen. Coleman Young II

Sen. Coleman Young, II (D)
The (blood test-confirmed) son of legendary Detroit mayor Coleman Young, Jr. once gave a legislative invocation that (among other bizarre things) included this: “We know that with Your almighty power behind us, Father God, that we can form an invincible juggernaut, we can form a league of bipartisanship, we can create an omnipotent supernova…” Omnipotent supernovas cannot be good for lady parts. Also, hello? Separation of church and state. No sexing Coleman II.

Former Michigan Rep. David Jaye via Facebook

former Sen. David Jaye (R)
This guy was booted from the legislature after allegations of drunk driving, domestic violence, and porn on his work computer. Also, one time a gun fell out of his pocket in the state Capitol. Not only should no lady ever sex David Jaye, no man should ever sex any lady who sexes David Jaye. Look at the dude. Gross.

Six Michigan Democrats who voted for anti-abortion bills.Democratic Six (D)
These six Democrats (Charles Brunner, Paul Clemente, Bob Constan, George Darany, Richard LeBlanc, Lesia Liss) voted in support of legislation Planned Parenthood calls “biggest assault on women’s health in our state’s history.” Democrats. Ladies, never sex the above people ever again.

 

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{ 119 comments }

Schmannnity June 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

Most of those Republicans probably have sex with ladies they meet on Chix with Dix.

Angry_Marmot June 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Keeps 'em from pestering the cows. And, as they say, spit don't make babies.

chascates June 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

All legislators should be prohibited by law from having sex. And any practicing lawyer in America should be sterilized.

new_pic_for_NEWTer June 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

and the death penalty for insurance executives…

BlueStateLibel June 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Ouch…I agree about the legislators, but there are some decent lawyers, even a few on Wonkette I hear.

chascates June 15, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Well, I intended to exempt LionelHutz et al.

miss_grundy June 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

They should be kicked in the groin repeatedly by women wearing steel-toed boots or shoes. And while they are being kicked, the only word these men should hear is "Vagina!" (Do I sound angry, much??????)

If I had my way, these people would be hanging from every tree, streetlamp, pole, that I could find here in Michigan.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Yes. But it's OK.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

Why is Bolger holding a curling stone?

CapnRadio June 15, 2012 at 10:18 am

Makes sense. It complements the broom up his ass.

CURLING JOKE!

Barb June 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

He's telling us our toes will be curling like bacon during sexy time.

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

Only if we're prepubescent boys, judging from that "child molester grin."

Dashboard Buddha June 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

Dude's gotta do something while waiting for his sexytime wife to come to his senses. When the world removes sex…go curling!

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

So that people will say, Yeah, that dude has some stones.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 10:47 am

You know who else had only one stone between his legs? [Or so it was claimed...]

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:49 am

And poor ol' Goebbels
has no balls
at all

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 11:11 am

DAMMIT.

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

Goebbels? Oh, wait.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Lance Armstrong?

byepluto June 15, 2012 at 10:15 am

In Michigan, one may only refer to ladybits as "cooter" on the House floor.

This is known.

Guppy June 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

I'd wager a non-negligible number of legislators in Lansing answer to the name "Cooter."

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2012 at 10:55 am

I think in Michigan, Detroit specifically, it's, "Sweet Poon Tang"…as coined by Founding Father, The Honorable Ted Nugent.

chicken_thief June 15, 2012 at 11:15 am

The the sexy times would be "the wango tango"?

vodkamuppet June 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Wrong! In Detroit we call it "cutty"

chicken_thief June 15, 2012 at 10:15 am

Why did Dave Agema have his pic taken with his boy friend – is he officially out?!

Schmannnity June 15, 2012 at 10:17 am

Dave Agema is right. Why shouldn't layabout orphans sew their own clothes?

Vecchiojohn June 15, 2012 at 10:45 am

Damn straight! Let the free market decide who goes naked.

chicken_thief June 15, 2012 at 10:18 am

So there were a few allegations of drunk driving, domestic violence, and porn on his work computer. David Jaye clearly loves long walks on the beach at sunset, so it's all good.

Pragmatist2 June 15, 2012 at 10:19 am

This won't have any effect unless the truck stop hookers these guys usually get their jollies with sign up. Their wives cut them ofd long ago.

SideshowSlob June 15, 2012 at 10:19 am

What happens when an invincible juggernaut sexes an omnipotent supernova?

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 10:39 am

That's called an absolute event horizon, I believe. These pols don't like string theory, either. Reminds them of tampons.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

That might just set off a Horrendous Space Kablooie

(I almost said it might tr!gger such an event…)

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 11:05 am

What a great link! Thanks.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 11:36 am

"The best bang since the Big one"

Maman June 15, 2012 at 11:13 am

It creates a vaginal blackhole…. so BEWARE!

Chow Yun Flat June 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

the more than 60% of women who are coerced into having an abortion

Joseph Goebbels would be proud of Michigan Catholic Conference Policy Advocate Rebecca Mastee

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:50 am

Well, if by "coerced" you mean "living in a situation where they do not want to go forward with the pregnancy," then it's probably around 96%, excluding, of course, the 4% who just have abortions for the sheer fun of it.

hollywooddood June 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

Pussies.

Goonemeritus June 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

Vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina I will patiently await societies just condemnation.

Schmannnity June 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

Vagina . . .
(sings)
The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina . . .
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word . .
Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina . . .
Vagina!
I've just met a girl named Vagina,
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Vagina!
I've just kissed a girl named Vagina,
And suddenly I've found
How wonderful a sound
Can be!
Vagina!
Say it loud and there's music playing,
Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

Vagina,
I'll never stop saying Vagina!

The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
Vagina!

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

With all due respect, I don't think the "monologues" part of "The Vagina Monologues" means that one just repeats the word "vagina" over and over – though as supplemental performance art I am completely in support.

new_pic_for_NEWTer June 15, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I refer you to youtube and Ms. Storm Large's lovely song "My Vagina is Eight Miles Wide"…

great minds – see the link downthread from Elviously Q.

Thanks EQ

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 12:24 pm

That is a great song.

CapnRadio June 15, 2012 at 10:27 am

"You shut your mouth and vagina, and we'll shut our minds. Deal?"

jodyleek June 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

Oh, good lord, those people are hideous! It looks like a line-up of Matt Groening characters.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 15, 2012 at 10:29 am

Aw, but one of my kinks is sexing fat white guys involved in state politics. Oh, well. I guess I will have to go with one of my other kinks next time I'm in Michigan (ie. never)

GhostBuggy June 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

As a Michigander, I agree: don't ever come here. The coastline fantastic and Detroit actually has some really cool stuff, so you could stick to the perimeter and generally be OK, though. It's a lot like America, actually.

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 12:49 pm

And those trees! Just the right height!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA

IncenseDebate June 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV ANIGAV

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 10:55 am

"CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTTTTTTTTTTCH!" – Tales of the City

Chow Yun Flat June 15, 2012 at 10:31 am

Rashida Tlaib is quite wonderful. She is a Muslim whose parents emigrated from Palestine and who represents a district that is Black, Hispanic and poor. She has led the fight against billionaire toad Matty Maroun whose illegal bridge expansion plans would crush the neighborhoods in her district.

Lovely person, lots of constituent service, one of the few Michigan pols who deserves respect.

AnAmericanInTO June 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You don't suppose she might be willing to accept some money from Vagina'd and Pro-Vagina Americans?

comrad_darkness June 15, 2012 at 10:31 am

If you can't take the nomenclature stay the hell out of the house (and senate).

Jesus, what a bunch of four year olds.

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2012 at 10:31 am

I'll just leave this here. You're welcome, Michigan lawmakers.

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

New. National. Anthem.

Chow Yun Flat June 15, 2012 at 11:52 am

"My vagina is universal; like a penis but reversible"

Great lyric writing lives.

MosesInvests June 15, 2012 at 11:53 am

It must be said-I would definitely tap that.

new_pic_for_NEWTer June 15, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Yes, Ms. Large projects voraciously omnisexual…

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm

My sister got to hug her once. I haz jealous.

Mittens Howell, III June 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

Just to be clear, Ladies–I NEVER supported any of those vagina-hating bills.

So, you know, I'm ready …

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:33 am

Wonkette needs to sponsor a spinoff website: The Do-Not-Fuck List.

Limeylizzie June 15, 2012 at 10:33 am

Does this mean we can sex all the good ones?

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:47 am

Why yes. Yes it does. Have I mentioned my frequent donations to Planned Parenthood?

Limeylizzie June 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

Flying my vagina in to you baby!

Billmatic June 15, 2012 at 10:33 am

My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

You mean coitus?

Billmatic June 15, 2012 at 11:09 am

Johnson?

deanbooth June 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

Shouldn't Sen. Coleman Young II be the third? Doesn't it go Sr., Jr., III? Maybe the blood test showed he was a clone.

Guppy June 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

Anybody else get the feeling that the pic of Dave Agema is three or four wives old?

Mittens Howell, III June 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

Nice to see a Lady Democrat on that list. I'd like to announce, after careful deliberation and consulting with my family, that from now on I will not be having sex with Lesia Liss.

Tommmcattt June 15, 2012 at 1:11 pm

That goes double for me!

ThundercatHo June 15, 2012 at 10:39 am

These guys get laid??? For free???

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

Assumes facts not in evidence.

YasserArraFeck June 15, 2012 at 10:44 am

They might get laid. I sincerely doubt that it's for free.

miss_grundy June 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA-A!

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 10:41 am

With that pornstach, Jaye looks like a gay cop. Needs moar motorcycle cap.

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 12:52 pm

He's got wannabe swinger written all over him.

randcoolcatdaddy June 15, 2012 at 10:42 am

She should be calling for all the rent boys in Michigan to go on strike. That would really hit them where it hurts.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 10:42 am

Sen. Coleman Young, … once gave a legislative innovation

Darned auto-correct!

CrunchyKnee June 15, 2012 at 10:44 am

When was the last time Barbera Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes… where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya! RAY BOLGER… IS LOOKIN' OUT FOR RAY BOLGER!

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 10:45 am

This will not totally end the sex life of these Solons. They will continue giving the daily blowjob to Matty Maroun.

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Matty's having a tough day. They're announcing the new bridge is going ahead. He'll need lots of blowjobs to get over that.

Chichikovovich June 15, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I saw that – and the announcement was great news. Because Canada and the Feds, plus whoever wins the contract to build the thing, must to agree to front all the money, the Michigan legislature seems to be effectively cut out of the loop. But I'm sure Maroun and his battalion of lawyers and bought politicos have many more tricks up their sleeves. I won't be sure I'll see that bridge in my lifetime until I actually drive over it.Once the second bridge is built, if I were the Ontario Premier, I would close off all the roads leading to Maroun's bridge. That's what happens when you are a lawbreaking asshole holding up economic development for two countries, weasel. Harder to buy elections in Canada, thanks to public financing and no Citizen's United.[What amazes me is all the Republican hacks and their paid mouthpieces like the economics chair at Hillsdale "College" talking about the huge loss of money being risked. As Maroun shows all too well, those bridges can taken in a comfortable profit indeed.]—

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Harder to buy elections in Canada, but Stephen Harper's working on it. He axed the per-vote subsidy as soon as he got hs majority.

FakaktaSouth June 15, 2012 at 10:47 am

I swear to God if not for fuckwad cunts like this, I would be a nice fucking person. How is it the dumbest, worst possible people keep having important, smart people jobs? Are there also a bunch of smart people walking around doing dumbass jobs?

GeneralLerong June 15, 2012 at 10:55 am

Yeah! Yeah! Can we tie 'em behind the truck and drag 'em?

Oh. Well, back to sitting quietly in my armchair, reading Twilight of the Elites.

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 11:09 am

In reply to your second question, Amah Fouquaad says Yes.

MosesInvests June 15, 2012 at 11:19 am

I try to see the best in people, and idiots like this make it a real challenge, let me tell you. BTW, welcome to Austin! Maybe we can get a mini-Wonkette get-together Sunday evening or Monday while you're here.

swordfis June 15, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Short answer- yes.

Angry_Marmot June 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

My barroom opinion is that smart people have better things to do with their time and energy than chase after power… but the fuckwads of this world are relentless.

MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Smart people are smart enough to figure out what really matters in life. Power is nice, and can get you munniez and sexxxing, but nobody ever died regretting they hadn't achieved enough POWER.

YasserArraFeck June 15, 2012 at 10:48 am

"And finally, Mr Speaker. I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina, but no means no"

Awesome.

hagajim June 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

The only person I can imagine sexing David Jaye with that mustache would be a 70s porn star. Dude has a Dirk Diggler complex.

Dildeaux June 15, 2012 at 10:59 am

The Dild feels if wimmens werent so overly-possessive of their ladyparts, then this kinda muzzling wouldnt be absolutely necessary. They bring it on themselves, dontcha see.

didgen June 15, 2012 at 10:59 am

What has brought out all of this vagina phobia? Did the Republicans find some necronomicon recipe for success that will turn them into Cthullu-bots?

OneYieldRegular June 15, 2012 at 11:02 am

Lesia Liss?? Oh come on, Wonkette. You really expect us to believe you're not making that up?

Eve8Apples June 15, 2012 at 11:05 am

Does Speaker of the House Jase Bolger have an email address? I would like to flood his inbox with pictures of vaginas and tell him that is the closest he will ever get to a vagina the rest of his life.

eggsacklywright June 15, 2012 at 11:14 am

You'd like to flood his inbox with pictures of inboxes? Well OK then.

miss_grundy June 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm
MittBorg June 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Thanks. Now to find vag pix.

John Birf Society June 15, 2012 at 11:11 am

I am a Michigan resident and adamantly pro-vagina. Lisa Brown can talk to me anytime about her ladyparts.

WABishop June 15, 2012 at 11:12 am

You can include any of the ass-hats who are blocking a second Windsor-Detroit bridge at the behest of the Ambassador Bridge's private owner, Matty Moroun.

Iron, steel for new Windsor bridge must come from Canada or U.S.

Doktor Zoom June 15, 2012 at 12:37 pm

We have to import the iron. We manufacture the irony all by ourselves.

fawkedifiknow June 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Why is it that when I look at the pix, and the blurbs about these people, I think it's carrying coal to Newcastle – or beer to Milwaukee – to tell the ladies not to sex them?

valthemus June 15, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Can't I sex Jase Bolger just a little? Curling rocks get me so hot.

valthemus June 15, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Do floor speeches get any better than this?

Rep. Brown: "I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but no means no."

Tommmcattt June 15, 2012 at 1:10 pm

See ladies! You too can be a patriot and tide the stem of facism in this country by going about your business and not doing exactly what you wouldn't have done in the first place!.

ttommyunger June 15, 2012 at 1:14 pm

No doubt the easiest admonition to follow-ever.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I feel that I can safely promise to never willingly sex any of those Michigan lawfakers.

fuflans June 15, 2012 at 2:45 pm

hahahahaha this is mitt romney's state.

BklynE June 15, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Who's the Guy Fieri-Anderson Cooper hybrid up there with the gold tooth? I'm glad I've been forewarned to not sex him, because he is awfully tempting (though I have a feeling the Democratic 6 are all taking care of each other JUST fine)…

luke_warm June 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Why are you assuming they're all straight? A bunch of them are republicans.

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Let's face it: Michigan is Hillbilly, but without the Southern accent….

miss_grundy June 15, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Truer words have never been spoken, my friend. It is also more Klanny.

SusanOtter June 16, 2012 at 12:18 am

It is getting really embarrassing to live in Michigan. Especially in Jace Bolger's district. And, no, it's not my fault he's there. Vagina vagina vagina. So there. I hope these fine women get out of the bad chairs soon. We need their sensible voices. Vagina. I just had to say it one morer time.

Opportunisticly_Joe June 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Crazy idea: if you're not comfortable using the proper anatomical word, maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't be terribly comfortable legislating about them, either.

MosesInvests June 15, 2012 at 11:52 am

Bazinga!

viennawoods13 June 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Followed by a pan-galactic gargle-blaster

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