YOUR MONEY OR YOUR WIFE  7:56 pm June 14, 2012

In Which You Give Wonkette All Of Your Moneys In Exchange For A Measly Beer

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Oh yeah we're gettin' shitty

HELLO.

We had a fabulous idea while we were drunk in Detroit last week, and that was that we should do a “Kickstarter” to spread our Wonkette Drinky Things and Meetups all over this great nation. We want to come and see all of you Wonkers, but it turns out? You are not cheap dates!

So on the flight home we made a video (it sucked, but it was supposed to) and wrote a thing explaining how throwing parties all over the country was actually Conceptual art.

Well Kickstarter did not think it was Conceptual art, even though we were a professional art critic and they presumably are not, and they said NO.

But we thought: Why not do the exact same thing Kickstarter would have done but without the 5% off the top, and offer you fabulous prizes our own bad self?

So give us all your moneys, and here is what you will win!

$10 — We will send you a sticker featuring our famous (not famous) kitten-with-a-whip.

$25 — You will have a chance to be one of 10 people to decide where our Drinky Thing and Meetups will be held. Atlanta? Nashville? ALTOONA? Fuck yeah. ALTOONA OR BUST!

$100 – We will make you a goddamn Wonkette tote bag to take to your goddamn hippie co-op and in which you will carry your goddamn hippie organic vegetables. And we will put something in it! Maybe it will be a copy of Howard Zinn’s People’s History of the United States! Maybe it will be something EVEN BETTER.

$1 – You get a thank you email. It won’t even be a form email, but it will probably say roughly the same thing as all the other ones.

Down below should be a “Donate” button. You will need to do TWO things. You will need to press “donate” and then give it your credit card numbers (this is the first thing). And then you will need to send an email to rebecca at wonkette dot com telling us your address, so we can send you your fabulous prizes. Do not expect to get them before August. You will also need to tell us what name you just donated under, so we can assure ourselves that you are not a LIAR. In conclusion, fuck Kickstarter. Cut out the middleman and buy your Wonket a beer DIRECT!

Courage.

Rebecca Schoenkopf,
Editrix





 
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{ 389 comments }

TanzbodenKoenig June 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

If I had a job I would love to donate (can only afford cheap beers for myself right now) but someone please pick Knoxville. Or somewhere in like a 2 hour radius of there, Nashville works

Butch_Wagstaff June 14, 2012 at 8:53 pm

It's been years but I don't recall there being that many drinky places that would be worthy of Wonkette. Maybe it's different now?
Anyways, I would fear for their safety should some crazy right-wing loon with a personal arsenal found out through the Intertewbs that a bunch of commie lefty liberals were gonna meet up in Knoxville.
He'd probably be willing to drive the all way down from his trailer park in Claiborne County to shoot up the place.

TanzbodenKoenig June 15, 2012 at 1:44 am

hey were the gayest city in the south now… but youre still correct :(

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 9:09 pm

How far are you from Asheville? Probably nice drinking establishments?

(Likewise unemployed, but trying to think of way to become self-employed…)

TanzbodenKoenig June 15, 2012 at 1:45 am

Asheville works, and hey dude if you need a rockin salesperson second only to Baconz lemme know

HateMachine June 14, 2012 at 10:22 pm

As someone on the far end of the state in fair Memphis, I would like to second the vote for Nashville. Like Memphis, it has a Bosco's which means great food and beer, like Memphis Nashville is an utter shithole, and unlike Memphis it wouldn't cost the US military budget for our lovely Wonkette to fly into and out of.

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Oh I do love Nashville — but we're looking to make the Memphis Flyer our first print partner since I was at CityBeat. I think Memphis should really get some love, don't you?

HateMachine June 14, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Oh, absolutely. Whether Memphis deserves it or not (the Flyer certainly does).

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 12:30 am

Memphis was a a nice place to hang when Elvis was there, but now that he works the night shift at the Kalamazoo Burger King, I think you should look elsewhere.

TanzbodenKoenig June 15, 2012 at 1:46 am

Memphis works too! I'm from there even tho I moved to the prettier end of the state

wvfii June 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm

feeling the Memphis love. not something that happens often. make it happen Wonkette!

FYI Stage Stop in Rockin Raleigh has a $6.95 steak special and meth.

OldWhiteLies June 14, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Wow. So this is what the view is like up here. Hey – where's Barb?

Barb June 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Barb is with her husband, eating dinner and getting ready for happy hour.

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Barb:

Isn't every hour with your husband Happy Hour?

Barb June 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Tundra, you are a wonderful person and you make my heart smile, thanks.
I just donated $100.00 because you make me feel good. (hugs) I hope you get a beer!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

OMG! You're gonna get a goddamn Wonkette tote bag to take to your goddamn hippie co-op and in which you will carry your goddamn hippie organic vegetables! I'm so goddamn jealous! If I had an extra $100 I would get my dog's limp fixed. But the second $100 would be all over that donation.

PS. I don't really neglect my dog. She's just old and $100 won't fix that.

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Barb:

That is very sweet of you! Or, as we say in California, "Dulce!"

For $100 I could probably get a Kallie…

Boojum June 14, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I tricked Becca! I donated 100 and 25 and 10 and 1 dollars ALL AT ONCE, so I win EVERYTHING SUCKAHS!!!!

PhilippePetain June 14, 2012 at 8:02 pm

How much for a blotto Libertarian dickweed?

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I thought Late Night Shots got shot down.

Butch_Wagstaff June 14, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I'm thinkin' that's probably always free. Because, y'know, free market and all.

PhilippePetain June 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

supply>demand

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Anybody have an idea what those things floating in the cement pond are?

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Oversized 'ludes?

emmelemm June 14, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Winner!

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I remember Gorilla Biscuits being white and round with "714" stamped on one side and a cross on the other.

But it's been a while, and when I was looking at them I was…well, I was in the mood…

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I musta meant oversized generic 'ludes. My bad.

BerkeleyBear June 14, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Lame 1970s era pool floats on a string. People used them to divide the "deep end" from the "shallow end" as a way to tell kids how to mess with their parents, but mainly they wound up tangled in piles in or out of the pool.

As opposed to what I can only guess were happy 1970s era floats on the front of the lady in the middle.

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Pool floats separating the majors from the minors at this swank '70s pool happening is a necessity. And that also applies to the "tangled piles" of poolside boogie knights and disco damsels.

IndianaKevin June 14, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I'm guessing bodysnatcher spawn.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 15, 2012 at 1:52 am

Dead penguins, near as I can tell. I'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 10:50 am

If they were dead penguins, there'd be live penguins fucking them.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

So it was that kind of party.

mrpuma2u June 15, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Inflated condoms looks like to me, but that's just where my mind goes.

Billmatic June 14, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Ten dolla! Good lawd that's a lotta money! Hows about i give u a NICKEL and u give me a facebook like?

SmutBoffin June 15, 2012 at 12:16 am

Ha!

emmelemm June 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm

1. I will donate, prob. after payday.

2. Doesn't Paypal take at least 5% off the top its own self, for letting you accept credit cards?

3. You might consider this site: http://www.indiegogo.com/
They don't appear to have *too* much restriction on what kind of campaign you create. Of course, they also take some percent off the top.

4. Also, shameless plug for this: The Oatmeal's Charity Campaign. If you're not familiar with The Oatmeal, you should be.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 15, 2012 at 8:50 pm

All credit card transactions, which involve a swipe and the pushing of a few buttons, come with a percentage taken off the top. (The electrons belong to a union, maybe?)

Transactions involving pieces of paper, envelopes, and stamps, and the schlepping of those pieces of paper from place to place to place, do not. Go figure.

Fuck Toad June 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm

The link is broken for me, and you should carefully consider whether you want to use PayPal. They have a history of arbitrarily freezing and/or seizing collected funds: http://www.regretsy.com/2011/12/05/cats-1-kids-0/

DustBowlBlues June 14, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Besides, isn't their founder a dick? Or am I confusing it with–whatever. I know ebay was a bitch.

Glass Eyed June 14, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Ebay is Paypal…and guess what? The bitch is seriously flirting with anti-trust action.

Fare la Volpe June 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

What's this I spy? Perhaps another Fat Jealous Loser who surfs the Wonkettes?

Fuck Toad June 15, 2012 at 12:19 am

I'm sorry, I only speak Finnish.

(ETA: I've only posted infrequently over there, so I don't think I can call myself a true Fat Jealous Loser. But indeed I am an obsessive reader.)

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 1:40 am

I don't *really* know what this means (the Fat Jealous Loser part), but do you actually speak Finnish? Because that would be cool.

anniegetyerfun June 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

FYI: "Fat, jealous loser" was an insult thrown at Regretsy readers who called out bogus (or just really shitty) Etsy sellers. Very few things are funnier than Etsy sellers who will fight blog posts about their shitty work with poorly-worded, misspelled invectives against Regretsy. "U dont no what yu r tlakin abot ur just a jealous fat loser! Ur r gung to here from my lawyar"

The Regretsy community happily embraced the phrase, so it's now self-referential.

Selfish_T June 14, 2012 at 8:13 pm

$25? What do you think I am, some kind of fat-cat public school teacher?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm

$25? What do you think I am, the 1%?

Blueb4sunrise June 14, 2012 at 8:14 pm

THAT is some funny shit, there.

shortsandpants June 14, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I keep trying to use my Credit Card, but it seems to be maxed out on RNC donations addressed to some Nigerian.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm

She may take chickens as payment. Or vodka!

Butch_Wagstaff June 14, 2012 at 9:02 pm

I'd be willing to barter. I wonder what I could get for a ball of pocket lint & a couple of dust bunnies.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm

An unpaid internship.

Chow Yun Flat June 14, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I finally left the reserve army of the unemployed for a not very good job at a not very good wage, but after months of not working it is OK.

So I have a bit of extra scratch for the Wonkettes.

DustBowlBlues June 14, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Way to make the rest of us guilty-donate, Chow. (Chow Yan Fat is hot.)

Chow Yun Flat June 14, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Hey, I am feeling rich, having a paycheck to complain about (the fortnightly insult) that has real FICA and tax deductions.

Chow Yun Fat is cool as cool can be. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlQ_iyQ61ig

Ryy June 14, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I will fuck the face off anyone who donates $100 or more

BoatOfVelociraptors June 14, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Orally? Because that seems to be the trend in Miami.

Spurning Beer June 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm

You mean fuck their face off with votes, right?

IndianaKevin June 14, 2012 at 9:21 pm

With an offer like that, I'm surprised everyone here isn't hurting themselves digging in the sofa cushions for dollars.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:40 pm

How do YOU know they're not?

neiltheblaze June 15, 2012 at 7:22 am

I sprained a wrist.

Ryy June 14, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Alright, change "will" to "will try to". Also, if you donate $500 I will explain about freedom to you in a condescending way, including, but not limited to, calling you Sheople.

Or Sheeple. I don't spell non-existent words well.

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 8:49 am

Sheople sounds like an ancient Egyptian demi-god.

glasspusher June 14, 2012 at 9:47 pm

It's not the face you're fucking, it's the fuck you're facing.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 12:37 am

Are you by chance French? As my learned mentor taught me shortly after I started grad school many decades ago:

The French they are a funny race –
They fight with their feet and fuck with their face.

BoatOfVelociraptors June 15, 2012 at 12:54 am

Van Damme!

actor212 June 18, 2012 at 8:48 am

I'll give $500 if Editrix throws in nekkis pictures of the editorial staff.

And I mean, Full Monty, and no contortions to only show backs while showing face. I want boobies and poon (including Ginger and Josh).

Exhausted66 June 14, 2012 at 8:19 pm

This post? Easy to masturbate to.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Exsqueeze me?

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Baconzgood started it.

Joshua Norton June 14, 2012 at 8:22 pm

There's a rich old dude in Las Vegas who is throwing millions around like it was pocket change. Suck up to him for a bit. Newtie and Mittens hit paydirt with just a basic reach-around.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I believe it's spelled 'measly'. I can donate a dictionary.

DustBowlBlues June 14, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Only on the wonket. Snark and spelling, in two measlie words.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I'm just waiting on the ban hammer (I couldn't use banhammer although ban-hammer is probably appropriate).

Toomush_Infer June 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I'll bet you ten grand I haven't got $25…..

ProgressiveInga June 14, 2012 at 8:25 pm

All gave some, some gave all….most don't give a shit.

SheriffRoscoe June 14, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Give 'til it hurts.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 8:31 pm

hurts so good

Crank_Tango June 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm

hurt til it gives.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 8:31 pm

You better get that pay pal button up before my after work beers wear off. Wait. What's pay pal?

CheeseNPear June 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm

If you're thinking of more valuable prizes, I have one word: TRUCK NUTZ!

Except that's two words. Or one word and something that's not a word. Sort of a word and a half and an incoherent grunt.

I forgot what my point was now.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm

VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION:

Does pay pal take hobo beans and moonshine as legal tender?

deanbooth June 14, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Or food stamps?

starfanglednut June 15, 2012 at 4:14 pm

FOOD STAMP FRAUD!11!1!!

mrpuma2u June 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Don't cast a moonshine pearl before those paypal swine, save it for the actual meet up thingy. I will bring a monster bottle of Hawaiian punch

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Nice to see that the spirit of Russ Meyer lives on, even if it's in a diluted 21st century way.

Spurning Beer June 14, 2012 at 8:54 pm

THIS IS MY HAPPENING AND IT FREAKS ME OUT!

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Classic! I caught that flick here in NYC at the Film Forum several years ago, and after an hour the place reeked of urine from everyone pissing themselves from laughter. For good or ill, Meyer was in many ways the USA's own home-grown Bunuel. Then again, I've drunk at least six beers.

Toomush_Infer June 14, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Hey, what was the one he did where everybody changed into colors – green with envy, chicken yellow, – I've been trying to remember since that drive-in back in 1966…..

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Ahh, drive ins. Now that's the way to watch a movie!

Now I watch 'em in bed on my iPod. Yeesh, how the lowly have fallen.

Pres.Beeblebrox June 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Bleh, no donate button to be found…

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm

The Paypal Button: Just in case you don't already know this, you probably have to go into the "HTML" or "Code" or whatever tab in your WordPress admin thingy to paste that paypal button code. If you've already done that, then I dunno.

PubOption June 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Did our esteemed editrix previously work for PBS?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

If she interrupts every interesting post for the next week with a twenty minute plea for cash then we will know for sure.

DustBowlBlues June 14, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Pledge week is when they pull off your favorite shows hold them hostage while they substitute them with assorted Irish groups stomping in clogs or singing in a most annoying way. "You want Masterpiece Mystery back, bitch? Pay up.

not that Radio June 14, 2012 at 9:00 pm

That's not entirely true. Sometimes they show BeeGees concerts from 18 years ago.

Mumbletypeg June 15, 2012 at 9:12 am

BeeGees concerts from 18 years ago

It's a travesty Tragedy, I'll tell ya!

*"Tragedy / When you gotta pee/ And you can't find a tree/ Tragedy…" ♫ — Mumbletypeg, 6th grade

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 10:51 am

Our presence here at this internet site is proof that we never lost that spirit of a 6th-grader who would craft song parodies with " gotta pee" in the lyrics.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:58 pm

My local NPR station (KUT) runs the most annoying commercials asking for donated vehicles. About every other hour.

not that Radio June 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm

KUNM does that too. Do they think I'm made of used vehicles? How many could we possibly give?

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 4:51 am

Arizona actually has a PBS plate that I'm proud to display on my own vehicle. Drivers behind me seem less aggressive than when I had that old shitty car with the "Jesus Loves Me But I Make Him Wear A Condom" bumper sticker.

Radio–did you MadMen yourself? I'll have to use mine..

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 8:31 am

That is a cool plate.

I'm Dewey, actually. Several of us changed our names to "Radio" when Radiotherapy went away, as a show of solidarity. Mumbletypeg has all the details. He'll be back next month.

And yes, I MadMenned myself.

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 9:21 pm

In the Detroit area there are billboards asking folks to donate their boats. WTF? Will homeless people live on them? Last I heard keeping a boat was fairly expensive.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Sounds as though a mass migration to Windsor, Canada is in the works. I'm ready.

WhatTheHeck June 14, 2012 at 9:21 pm

NO. If she did she would be calling you at work for the monies.

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2012 at 9:38 am

I hope so. Because they always show that documentary about how cool cats are when they want money!

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Which ALTOONA? There's one in Iowa! It's where the casino is. It's the only place you can smoke and drink indoors. Problem is: they hate it when people just stand around gabbing and being disgusting hippy liberals instead of blowing their retirement at the tables.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Sounds like nothing's changed since I hitchhiked through there in '73.

EatsBabyDingos June 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

I will send everything I have: Half an apple (my health plan), Two Altoids (my dental plan), an empty Billy Beer can (my retirement) and a '71 Pinto (birth control device).

OldWhiteLies June 14, 2012 at 9:26 pm

THIS! This gets my vote for teh Intertnetz Winner For Today – mebbe even tomorrow.

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I do believe we need an unprecedented COTD two days in a row.

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm

If I donate $100 can I get an animal feed bag instead of a tote bag?

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Not if you know Illinois GOP state Senator Suzi Schmidt!

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Rats…I do know the esteemed and polished state Senator. We got Schmidt-faced at a truck stop diner one night after our Whack-a-Mole class.

badgitator June 14, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Compromise and get a turd bag like those fancy, taxpayer-funded, fat cat cop horses have?

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Uh, you forgot 'union thugs'.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 9:57 pm

For $100 you get an autographed bag from Nina Feedenberg herself.

starfanglednut June 14, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I soooo want one of those stickers for my bike. $10 seems a little steep, though it is certainly a worthy cause.

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Here's my money makin' idea for Wonkette (Jukesgrl has a share in this concept, by the way – although she's been missing and been missed for a while).

Wonkette needs a books page. Almost everybody hear reads. A lot. There have been book review blogs and they've been popular.

There should be a section where we can post brief (not Twitter brief, but brief) reviews of books we're reading – fiction, non-fiction, current affairs, 2012 election, right wing nutz sux, etc. Folks could vote "thumbs up" on the reviews.

How does Wonkette make money from this? Great question!

Book publishers and some authors and probably some book sellers would advertise because they would be reaching an intelligent audience of book readers.

Genius, no? NO?

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Where IS Jukesgirl? Wonkette may have to start a 'have you seen me?' segment with the missing's avatar.

not that Radio June 14, 2012 at 9:03 pm

She was here this afternoon, over on the Pam Gellar post. Perhaps she was destroyed by the insanity.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I think we were all destroyed by the insanity, but I suspect that she may have a real life away from the Interwebz.

bikerlaureate June 14, 2012 at 10:34 pm

You slipped into Gellerese there at the end. Life away from the Wunket ??

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I know, really.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I like it, but can we include a link to the Indies? http://www.indiebound.org/indie-store-finder

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

scvirginia:

Can't the Indies sign up for local ads? I'm not an expert on Internets advertising, but if Google can target ads to the point where if I clean out my gmail Spam folder I get recipies for Spam Omlets, Indies can probably purchase ads targeted to Wonketters within their market area(s).

Then there's all the self publishers, Lulu and her buddies. Blurb? And?

Blueb4sunrise June 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Almost everybody hear reads. A lot.

But we're not spelling Nazis.

Jukes was also around to celebrate the demise of Jesse Kelly.

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Here! Here!

CapnRadio June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

But we're not spelling Nazis.

Speak for yourself.

But, masters, remember that I am a spell check Nazi; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am a spell check Nazi.

not that Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Today, we are all Spelling Nazi's

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:55 pm

As, long? as we: are not! obsessing; over punc-tuation.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 9:15 pm

I was gonna suggest that our Editrix auction off a chance to motorboat her boobs, but your suggestions is much less offensive (to the editrix) and sounds moar intelectual.

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:02 pm

See, when liberals suggest motorboating boobz, it's harmless flattery. When Rethuglipuke Fascist Nazi PigVomits suggest motorboating boobz, it's rape.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 11:36 pm

No one here would ever motorboat nonconsensually.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Jukesgrrrl is somewhere around, dood. I asked where she had been and she said she was lurking quietly.

The books page idea is good, if you have any evidence that it actually makes money; Editrix would probably be able to get the figures. I know that if you have links on your site to Amazon, you get paid a percentage from any buyers your site sends there. I'm not clear on the details, but the information should be available. And of course there's the whole advertise thing, although if there's one industry that is no longer throwing around the $$, it's publishing.

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:03 pm

"she said she was lurking quietly."

The "Jaws" theme song just raced through my head.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

I like the idea of our Jukesgrrl drifting silently deep below, watching our legs paddling feebly in the waters above as she sizes up Wonketeers for succulence.

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm

We'll never even see it coming.

deanbooth June 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I like it. I would gladly buy all my Amazon books through Wonkette. 2. PROFIT!!

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Oh hi Dean it's me Editrix. Just wanted to point out that little Amazon box up on the right. I think you can click through and once on the site buy anything, not just my own book that I'm whoring right there. But I am not sure. You could try it, and report back to the rest of us!

chascates June 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Just wait till someone dies and leaves me money! My Amazon wish list is already passed the maximum 2500 so I have about 600 in sublists.

Anyone feeling sick?

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:57 pm

My throat's a bit sore.

deanbooth June 15, 2012 at 12:20 am

I never saw that. Will do.

glasspusher June 14, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I like it!

badgitator June 14, 2012 at 8:51 pm

How many Ameros do I have to donate to get a gun?

chascates June 14, 2012 at 8:56 pm

No, no! First you get the gun THEN you get the Ameros!

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm

LOL chascates!

Also too: When fired, Wonkette guns shoot a small parachuted marshmallow barely past the muzzle. Instead of the classic gunshot noise, you'll hear an effeminate sneeze. The guns come in one color, "Arpaio Pink".

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Now THAT'S a gun I could go for.

badgitator June 15, 2012 at 9:17 am

First you get the gun, then you get the money, then you get the women.

redarmybarbie June 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm

All of them, Katie?

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I see this is one of those articles I actually have to read. Gee, thanks.

nounverb911 June 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm

How many ¥ to the $?

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm

All of them, Katie!

Clankie June 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm

First off, Denver, because we have like a million weed shops, and Colorado has the best beer in the nation. Secondly, there are no better books than Zinn's "People's History…" so…..

Spurning Beer June 14, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Left Hand Brewery helps to counterbalance the Colorado Springs fundamentalism.

Clankie June 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Don't forget, we also have New Belgium (employee owned and wind powered? Socialism!)

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:34 pm

The Springs is like the cliched "Crazy Beautiful" girl, because it really is so beautiful there with the mountains, but it's also militarized and fundie to the hilt.

Clankie June 14, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I don't go to the springs unless I have to, For my money, there are many more beautiful places in Colorado (I always prefer to head west than south) and with less god, guns, and meth.

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 12:07 am

I used to live in Denver, and it's still a half-hour drive to the foot hills. But it seemed like when I'd stay with people in CS, they lived on the steep sides of beautiful mountainous terrain. Maybe I'm mis-remembering…

nounverb911 June 14, 2012 at 9:04 pm

I've got a Zimbabwe $100,000,000,000,000 note, who do I send it to?

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 12:07 am

The fireplace?

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:46 am

Much, much better odds than betting on the lotto.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 12:50 am

I'll give you a nickel for it if you give me six cents change.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm

My best friend, Bill has taught me "do good things and good things will happen." I base my life upon that ideal.

Let's chip in and everyone will benefit.
Thanks BITCHES!

(okay, don't tell Bill I am calling ya'll that, please)

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 10:43 pm

A good Karma can run over a bad dogma.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Bill sounds like a good guy, but I imagine during the 1940's hundreds of thousands of others thought something just like that as they were herded into cattle cars on the road to certain doom.

Nice thoughts are nice, but reasoning by facts is superior. But in my example above pretty much everyone died, so it didn't really matter whether they reasoned by facts or not. They're simply dead.

But rest easy Bill, I'm not pinning any of that on you. You sound like a good guy.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 11:23 pm

My bestie, Bill is the BEST person ever!
He:
Talks me down from the ledge when life is kicking my ass.
He eats Cheetos with chopsticks to avoid orange smudge.
He goes to church to make sure that everyone is warm and safe.
He is a longtime Navy vet.

In all the years we've been friends we've never had a fuss, not even close. He's my songwriting partner, my greatest inspiration and the funniest person I've ever met.

And no, before someone suggest it, I've never had a sexual though about Bill. That would be super gross.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm

I forgot something……..
Bill sent me a case of customized fortune cookies with our favorite Asian joke as all the fortunes: "Surprise! (you're in charge of "supplies") you will eat another" He's married to a lovely and delicate Asian bird. He calls my husband, "that New Mexican"

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 5:18 am

Wait– is Bill the AA guy?

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I think those who were realistic about what was happening around them, and fortunate enough to have friends and funds beyond the borders, managed to escape. But I know that many people simply did not want to believe what was happening around them until it was too late.

Did you ever read Aharon Appelfeld's To The Land Of The Cattails?

Barb June 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Lol MittBorg. I subscribe to 25 magazines a month and I don't even read those. Lean on any piece of furniture in my house and you will find that I don't read the assembly instructions.

Jeffer June 15, 2012 at 12:18 am

Fortunately, she's married to a guy who pulls out the instruction manual and lays out all the pieces and tools before part A meets tool B.
No this is not a sexytime comment.

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 12:29 am

Nobody RTFMs, huh?

Sharkey June 14, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Dear Wonkette,

I'm sorry about all the crappy comments I made.

Can I just pack you a bowl and let's call it even?

Regards,
Sharkster

Clankie June 14, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I will pack your sweet pink mouth so full of ice cream you'll be the envy of every Jimmy and Jane on the block.

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 12:14 am

Sorry but I just blued myself.

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 12:31 am

Wow, youse guys! First Barb and Jeffer are talking tools, and next I find you making the Editrix blue herself. It's a regular fucking orgy in here.

Aridzona June 14, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I live in Arizona, so I guess that's totally out of the question. (Besides, Sheriff Joe would stop all of you at the airport and demand proof of U.S. citizenship.)

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 6:07 am

It would be so fun, though. Seriously, everybody here in AZ is retarded in their own special way.

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 9:11 pm

!!!******WHO IS YER GOD NOW, BECCA?*****!!! Fucking goddamn IntenseDebate lost all my shit again. It’s me you guys. I swear! Ask me a security question! But I have no idea how I’m supposed to moderate comments now since THEY LOST ME.

Chichikovovich June 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Skullfuck! rétârd! Kill somebody famous!

Hahaha!…… [Runs off cackling....]

fuflans June 14, 2012 at 10:24 pm

this made my evening.

and after jonah goldberg on jian ghomeshi and now a replay of jane mayer on BRIAN FUCKING FISCHER on fresh air i need me some cackling.

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Oh boy, that Fresh Air episode just backed up a dumptruck of shit on top of the Angry Liberal brown fart cloud that was orbiting my head this morning. It reminded me of how I drove through Mississippi a couple months ago, listening to NPR the entire time like a Good Liberal. I didn't hear this Brian Fisher person while I was driving my family around, fortunately. I think that's how "Family Annihilations" happen.

redarmybarbie June 14, 2012 at 10:25 pm

You forgot to throw in the Machine-gunning!

Crank_Tango June 14, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I skull-fuck like a gatling gun. Not really sure how I do it, bit there you have it. Also, retard.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:58 pm

I never would've thought you had it in you, Chich, old man.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Lol, I gave you a p-point.

Glass Eyed June 14, 2012 at 9:46 pm

So thats why I've been allowed to comment.

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Kirsten you moderating BITCH.

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 9:50 pm

What is the name of your pet?

bobbert June 14, 2012 at 9:58 pm

What is your favorite colour?

glasspusher June 14, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Blu…no, yellow…ahhhhhh!

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Brown acid.

bobbert June 14, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Intricate.

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Hmmm. OKAY well either KIRSTEN is a moderating bitch or KEN has restored me. I guess there is no way we will EVER KNOW.

But the banhammer's back, so WATCH YO SELF.

BaldarTFlagass June 15, 2012 at 12:10 am

But what about our RELATIONSHIP!?!?!

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

You know damn well what the answer to that is Baldar. THAT WE GO DO SOME CRIMES.

BaldarTFlagass June 15, 2012 at 12:21 am

Only problem is that I have that weird allergy to seafood, so getting sushi and not paying is not an option. Even if we steal it, I WILL PAY, with anaphalactic shock. We can go steal a Malibu with pecan pies in the back, but we can just go cruise in mah '64 convertible without the risk of slammer. Recommend a Wonkette drinkathon in central/south TX at some point.

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I've got a great security question. What is the most amazing thing, according to the male Wonketteers, about your ex-boyfriend?

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm

HA! That he is 51 and has only to touch my wrist …

See! It is I!

Boojum June 14, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Hi I.

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Open season on the r-word!

chascates June 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm

What is your mother's maiden name and the hospital your first pet was born in?

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 12:33 am

Jesus I hate those fucking questions. None of them ever seem to line up with my life.

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

What do you call toes that walk in rice paddies without footwear?

chascates June 15, 2012 at 5:31 pm

that sounds like a Zen koan!

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 12:52 am

What was your first car?

Butch_Wagstaff June 14, 2012 at 9:18 pm

First I had to spend most of the evening trying to get my laptop back from the land of the dead. I was thinking I'd have to take it to the 'puter hospital where they'd charge me 100 dollars to tell me it's a piece of shit & should just get another one. After which, I would have the strong desire to take off their glasses & stomp on them.
Luckily, it rose from the dead like Lazarus (thank ya, Jesus!)
Now Wonkette wants money for their drunken orgies?
I might be be able to spring a dollar for a thank you email. Hell, Wonkette could skip the email altogether & just take the dollar. I don't read most of my email anyway.
For $10, I might get the sticker. I'd just stick it to my forehead, go to a mall, and watch as people tried to ignore it. If someone asked me what's on my forehead, I'd just say: "Keeps the aliens out."

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 11:35 pm

DOES it keep the aliens out, she asked casually?

An_Outhouse June 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

So far.

Dr. Nick Riviera June 14, 2012 at 9:18 pm

They refused to fund Wonkette but they fund sandals with fake grass? Dont they know we are doing the lord's work here?
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1937773453/gr

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Would that be the Weedlord's work?

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 5:26 am

Next they'll be funding sandals with fake socks, alerting all the hipster douchebags.

Steverino247 June 14, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can turn that woman by the pool around for me.

Oh, and if that guy to her right isn't a mobster, I'll be very surprised.

Blueb4sunrise June 14, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Ya know, when I saw that photo, my first thought was 'OMG.! It's [....]' Someone I had some acquaintance with in 1978-80. Still miss her.

Steverino247 June 15, 2012 at 12:36 am

I can see why!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:30 am

The guy across the pool halfway in front of the umbrella looks like Bobby Ewing from "Dallas". Or I've had too much to drink

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 10:53 am

Damn you!! OK, how much for the shot where she dropped those adorable panties?

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Welp, I just sent in my donation cuz we went to Detroit and it was worth the two hour drive of construction and bloodthirsty MI drivers. Our Editrix is warm, friendly and just lovely and all of the men are charming and very good-looking.

EatsBabyDingos June 14, 2012 at 9:37 pm

And all the children were above average. Oh, that's Lake Wobegone.

Designer_Radio June 14, 2012 at 11:28 pm

You're on a roll.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 12:55 am

He/she/both is a sesame seed???

Chichikovovich June 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

You're quite the cutie-pie and charmer yourself, TCHo – it was nice to meet you and your husband (TCHpimp?).

Barb June 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Thunder, you are awesome! (hugs)

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Hey, B. I'm hoping for a drinky-meet-up in your vicinity this winter. Do you think there is a hotel with a bar nearby that would give us a discount?

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:08 pm

My husband runs 3 casinos with a hotel attached. I have a home that is open to friends like you. Whatever you want is always yours.

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Thank you. You are most generous. This sounds like it would be a blast. Let's try and make this happen.

IndianaKevin June 14, 2012 at 9:28 pm

That'll teach you to ask a serious question in a room full of smartasses.

BlueStateLibel June 14, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Hmmm, this sounds suspiciously like PBS. Can I get some Downton Abbey videos for $25? Also: NEW JERSEY.

glasspusher June 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

How about I pay $7 and you turn off this onswipe nonsense that keeps fucking up the wonketty goodness for my iPad/iPhone? Goddamn. If I want anything other than your fine desktop site that plays fine with the above, I'll ask for it. Thank you.

banana_bread June 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm

YES. But fear not, I figured out how to shut it off! There are three vertical bars in the lower left corner. Touch (or swipe, don't remember) them and a magical sidebar will appear that lets you turn that shit off. I figured this out three days ago and it was like a choir of angels.

glasspusher June 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

Yeah, but it keeps coming back, like herpes, and opening new tabs. If you hit “back” to go back to the main page, the process often repeats. I've saved the bookmark with the “onswipe never” in it, but it's no guarantee.

Glass Eyed June 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm

So this is the ugly side of the present depression. We have to fund a site promising us beer. If we show up.

Sorry Hon, I've got a convenience store on the corner. And they are masters at scamming poor folks.

WordSaladNation June 14, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I can't wait for our next Wonkette MeetUp™ in Wasilla!

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Now that would be a gasser. Betcha half the town would show up for it too.

Chichikovovich June 14, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I'm maybe too literal-minded. Undiagnosed Asbergers, no doubt. But I'm not sure I completely understand the bit about the drinking gatherings and videos and kickstarter, etc.
But I do understand that it takes money to run a site, and you work hard at it, and your work brings me and the rest of us here a lot of pleasure and fun. And I'm insanely well-paid for doing a job I love. So absolutely I'll contribute a couple of hundred. As soon as I can figure out how.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Chich, I loved you before and I will always love you.

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Barb, he's also like eight feet tall and handsome!

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I do love me the tall men!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 12:57 am

Aw, I haz the sadz now. But I luvs me the tall womenz!

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm

What Rebecca said is true, Chich is hawt.

ThundercatHo June 14, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Exactly. I had no trouble making my donation with Paypal but we already had an acct.

Blueb4sunrise June 14, 2012 at 9:58 pm

MittBorg has TONS OF MONEY!$!$!$!$!$!

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Rich as Croesus.

Oh, Lydia, oh Lydia, have you seen Lydia?
Lydia the tattooed lady…

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 10:13 pm

MITTBORG, GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY. There, will that have done it, do you think?

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I'd love to, but Blue talked me out of it. Wouldn't even leave me a couple of pennies to rub together and stay warm!

No fair, BeccaLou, you went from 30 pee to, like 61, and you JUST signed on again because you lost your keys.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:36 pm

That would be Blue, hon. I'd start making nice with Blue right about now, y'all.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm

You can learn a lot from Lydia.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Puuurrrrr….

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I gave it all to Blue!

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Sure, if you can find it in that hellish strip mall her developer pals turned that formerly quaint town into. My at the time Republican-leaning sister lived down the road and kept me up to date on how it made her sick to watch such gruesome goings on. Little did either of us know about Sarah Palin, who was then only a faint glimmer in Bill Kristol's scleritic eye. The only bright spot is sis doesn't lean Repug anymore.

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 12:35 am

See, SOMEthing good came of it!

banana_bread June 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Hope this will stick around for a week or so when payday rolls around again. But I'm betting Mr. Bread (aka AbandonHope) will agree with me when I say we need to fork over cash monies to make this happen.

P.S. if you come to Chicago I will buy you an adult beverage.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Thanks for helping Banana, my banana! I appreciate your generous spirit.
Jeff and I will be in Chicago in October and I would love to meet up with you and buy you some pancakes.

banana_bread June 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Awesome! I love you AND I love pancakes! It will be like Christmas!

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:04 am

(Let's try this for the FUCKING FOURTH FIfTH SIIIIIIXTH TIME here, Intense Debate!!!) Barb, do you like strawbery pancakes?

Barb June 15, 2012 at 2:19 am

Yes, Flaming, I do.

Boojum June 15, 2012 at 6:39 am

I hear they pretty much fuck your face off.

AbandonHope June 14, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Yes! The instant we have money that isn't going to food or gasoline or prescription drugs or mortgage payments or car payments or student loan payments or credit card payments or electric bills or gas bills or water bills or sewer bills or internet bills or doctor's bills or paying off the new windows WE WILL BE ALL OVER THIS.

Expect a check around 2036.

(I keed, I keed… next Friday assuming the clicky button is still available then.)

banana_bread June 14, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I would just go without the drugs but withdrawal is a bitch. I vote we slack on student loans.

redarmybarbie June 14, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Hm, let's see, I have:

Half a tin of Mints
A lapsed WoW subscription
and a supposedly free cat that's cost me $2000 in vet bills…

If I donated 50 cents, can I have a pity fuck?

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 6:54 am

I have a few signed Misfits albums (Jerry and Doyle ONLY–pun intended) and a paid-off Mazda Protege that I'm really thinking needs a fucking timing belt right about now..

rocktonsam June 14, 2012 at 10:31 pm

how much for a dick joke?

commiegirl99 June 14, 2012 at 11:25 pm

$50.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:09 am

Can I get anything for the French fuck joke I posted somewhere upthread?

Sharkey June 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm

I just want sideboob, why do you deny me.

BarackMyWorld June 14, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Why not also a P.O. Box and we can mail you some checks? Because some of us are leftwingers and feel more comfortable sending things through our socialist mail system than the unregulated internet.

elburritodeluxe June 14, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I'm thinking Jersey City, NJ for the drinking and I'm willing to throw down to make that happen.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

El, Jersey City is a happening place. Please, donate what you can and I hope you get your wish. Thanks!

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 6:57 am

People live in Manhattan just so they can be across the river from Jersey City???

elburritodeluxe June 15, 2012 at 9:29 am

Crazy, right?!

fuflans June 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

yeah. sure. why the fuck not?

i already bought that one dude in the wheelchair outside the cvs a loaf of bread and a brick of cheddar today.

(and not the off brand cheddar either)

also, this will be of far more effective than the hundreds of dollars i gave to the WI recall effort.

i am such a sad little libtard.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

That was so sweet of you to help the dude at CVS.

imissopus June 15, 2012 at 12:54 am

Hey, the Koch brothers helped out another dude panhandling in a wheelchair outside CVS and now he's governor of Wisconsin.

rocktonsam June 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm

i AIN'T GIVING NOTHING UNTIL IRA GLASS SHAMES ME IN TO GIVING

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 5:31 am

Usually my Ira Glass is a car bomb.

Sharkey June 14, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Meghan McCain has called this a shameless plea for money that amounts to less than prostitution.

Angry_Marmot June 15, 2012 at 8:38 am

And she would know.

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Like your new avatar!

SayItWithWookies June 14, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Hell, I'd vote for Altoona — especially if the meet-up was on a date that the pernicious Altoona Curve was playing my beloved and noble Richmond Flying Squirrels. And I get paid soon, so you might be in luck.

Boojum June 15, 2012 at 6:43 am

You, too, are a Flying Squirrels fan?

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ June 14, 2012 at 11:23 pm

NASHVILLE.

oops! forgot to pay…

NASHVILLE, BITCHES!

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Not a fan of Pretty Miss Kitty Wells, Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Blonde On Blonde, Jack White, heh?

ttommyunger June 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Pay Pal is the spawn of the Devil. Fucked me up good a few years ago. Had to actually close a checking account to be shed of them for good. Saying that 'cause I know 'Becca is having problems with her password, etc. all the result of fucking around with Pay Pal. I'll prolly give something later, got to get my narrow ass to bed now, though. Ta-ta, bitches…

owhatever June 14, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I would contribute to your happiness, but I am just a poor Nigerian prince who is heir to an enormous fortune. If you would just send me your credit card number (with security code on the back) and your social security number, I could pay my lawyer to break our (Note: Our) fortune free of my political enemy's control and I will donate half (Note: HALF) of the money to your Wonkette. You do not even have to knit be a tote bag because we are friends. I know your mother would want you to take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 11:43 pm

No one can resist that silky voice or that penetrating mind. Just thinking about it makes me want to write a $100 check to my local NPR station right now. Oh, the liberal vibe, it squiggles!

HempDogbane June 14, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Let's do it like I do with Minnesota Public Radio. I offer $30. You suggest $10/month. I say I'll do that next year. I give the $30. Then you leave me alone for at least 6 months, maybe more !

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 12:20 am

Ha. The NOBAMA actually got me with that one even after I said no. I am what in used car circles they call "a grape."

Boojum June 15, 2012 at 6:46 am

Round, plump, and a mouthful of sweet, sweet juice when squeezed between the teeth?

chascates June 14, 2012 at 11:47 pm

These comments are so far superior to the Algonquin Round Table's efforts I fear an in-person, live salon might be the death of us all. So that wallpaper goes or we do. Or something. I actually have a new piglet I can sell to throw into the bar jar.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I can't find your last comment, DustBowlBlues, lol.
If you want to be with Lizzie and me in "the sisterhood of the traveling panties" just come and join us on Twitter:

Wonkette
WonketteJr
Commiegirl1

and Barbara102006

We have money saving coupons. Okay, that was a lie.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 14, 2012 at 11:52 pm

What? No underwear?

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:04 am

I knew there was a reason I liked this site besides the posters. It's cheap! Count me in.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

Thanks TribecaMike! You rock!

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:27 am

Rightbackatcha, Barb! And believe me, I'm one broke bloke.

But poor as I am, I did have my eye on that musclebound Breitbart poster before it vanished quicker than a Dolph Lundgren direct to dvd. That was primo Craigslist material.

BaldarTFlagass June 15, 2012 at 12:04 am

I am seeing that the Texas contingent needs to marshal our vote. I mean, we'll never re-elect Obama with Texas electoral votes, but I bet we can entice aTX Wonkfest in some friendly Hill Country spot. We'll be like the Repubs in FL in 2000. Let's get it started. While I am drunk and fucked up from other various and sundry substances both legal and illegal, I created a yahoo specialty acct.. email me at baldartflagass at yahoo dot fucking com. (leave out the fucking) Let's get this done people.

Fuck Toad June 15, 2012 at 12:10 am

I have chipped in a few ducats for my two favorite things in the world: Wonkette and alcohol. Now please let one of these things be in Portland.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:14 am

Fuck Toad, there is a special place in beer heaven for you, thanks!

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 1:01 am

Come to lower Manhattan, Barb. Like the wind, the surf, and Shelley Fabares in a particularly bad Elvis movie, NYPD Commish Ray Kelly calls to you… Bali hai!

Barb June 15, 2012 at 2:20 am

You tempt me with your wares.

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 3:21 am

Hey Fuck–I would give my left arm to live in Portland..

Fuck Toad June 15, 2012 at 3:27 am

It's pretty damn awesome, I ain't gonna lie. Not many wing nuts, lots of good food, good weed, good beer, nobody expects you to wear a suit, lots of people don't get up until noon, people are nice to talk to but nobody minds if you want to keep to yourself, doesn't get very hot, lots of pretty plants and flowers.

It's pretty much paradise.

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 9:09 am

Portland: It's where young people go to retire.

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 12:20 am

I don't really drink or interact with humans, but I donated enough for 1 lucky Wonkateer to purchase some tabs of brown acid. Yay!

vodkamuppet June 15, 2012 at 12:33 am

Me at the Bronx the other day: "Say, Rebecca, all this free booze has to be stupid expensive, right"
You: "No I got it mang, btw you are the most attractive young man I've ever met"

And then I flew away with my magic cape and trousers. What's this about money now?

Fuck Toad June 15, 2012 at 12:41 am

I don't think that was 'wonkett' I think that was 'percocett' and also 'orange sunshine'.

vodkamuppet June 15, 2012 at 1:51 am

Don't ruin my fantasy dude.

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:52 am

This is as good of an explanation as I can think of…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWzlnYpLlgI

imissopus June 15, 2012 at 12:45 am

Since you're all a bunch of goddamn liberal pinko hippies, I vote Gitmo.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:36 am

I chided all for Rethuglitard Facebook friends a little while ago because I, the Commonist Pinko Librul, was the only one who noticed that today, June 14, is FLAG DAY.
I wonder if Betsy Ross was a hottie.

BitterKlingon June 15, 2012 at 12:47 am

ALTOONA, PA might suck ass, but at least we have one bar that makes you feel like you are not in ALTOONA, PA. SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS, STILL CELEBRAYTINDG BOURBON DAY.

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 12:59 am

If I give $100, does my name show up on any "list"?

imobannon June 15, 2012 at 1:13 am

Dammit- I love this wonketeer thing, whatever it may be. Sign me up for three emails!!!

- Sincerely yours, Oklahoma's three liberals.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:14 am

Is this really teh Wonkette here, guys and guyettes? I just got through looking at the blog post pic and then wading through 283 comments, and not even one of them is "I'D HIT THAT"??????

Boojum June 15, 2012 at 6:50 am

I'd pay good hobo beans to hit that.

Dashboard Buddha June 15, 2012 at 6:52 am

I'd consider "hitting" that…that is, of course, if the young lady possessed a strong moral fiber and came from a good family.

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 1:29 am

What the hell, I sent you some money. Cheers and thanks for all the laughs.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:42 am

Dear Editrix,
The only thing I ever bought sort of, kind of indirectly through teh Wonkette was something I bought from my former Wonkette Goddess, Sara Benincasa, at Etsy, but then she lost the item and gave me my money back. So, anyway, before I buy everything on the list above, because I'm an old, overpaid gummit worker with a few Ameros laying around, could you promise I get a hot, sexy 8 x 10 color glossy photo of my new Wonkette Goddess, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, in the hundred-dollah hippie bag?
Sincerely yours,
flamingpdog

P.S. I still lurves you, Sara.

vodkamuppet June 15, 2012 at 2:09 am

You leave KBJ alone! I was stalking her first.

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 3:39 am

Rubbish, I was stalking her before either of you.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 15, 2012 at 6:34 am

Pffft.

I've been enamoured with KBJ since her first post. That'd be before we found out how pulchritudinous she happens to be.

Boojum June 15, 2012 at 6:51 am

Hey! I've had a PI tracking her for MONTH…um…:::whistling:::

BrettFavresDong June 15, 2012 at 1:44 am

As soon as I get the money I'm expecting from trickle-down economics, I will first fix the zipper on my tent and then I will happily send you some cash. Ooh, I can't wait until all that glorious money comes my way! Very exciting!

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 1:54 am

Is this kinda like one of them on-line things?

Sincerely, Clem

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 15, 2012 at 2:07 am

BAM! Enjoy the beers, my wonkette comrades!

edit: and SAN FRANCISCO, DAMMIT!

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2012 at 2:26 am

What is going on here?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 15, 2012 at 2:42 am

We pay money for the Wonkette Drink Tour of Doom not to come near where we live.

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2012 at 2:53 am

Well I can tell you that if a bunch of popular people started showing up in my town, I would have to leave!

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 3:40 am

Man after my own heart! The thought of having to be around actual live people is enough to send me skedaddling.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 15, 2012 at 5:09 am

Single scooper, single scooper, this man is a party pooper!

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 3:40 am

They're just getting drunk and rowdy, as usual.

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 5:33 am

Apparently, some hi-jinks and a dash of derring-do. And a plea for donation. (Yikes! did Ken just leave you in the lurch?)

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 3:00 am

I'll have to wait until I get paid next week. I already donated thirty whole bucks to Ronald Poppo. (I would have given my whole paltry paycheck if I could afford it).

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2012 at 3:07 am

Maybe if you played that Sarah McLachlan commercial about abandoned pets on a continuous loop on the front page, people would give you some more money.

smokefilledroommate June 15, 2012 at 6:18 am

Or started 'stillhavetogetusedtothisdontwannarunitintothegroundpleasehelp.com'.

Antispandex June 15, 2012 at 3:41 am

What's a credit card?

TheLifeSilica June 15, 2012 at 5:57 am

I'd donate money, but the PayPal nationalists froze my account because I dared to buy something while overseas. Any other payment option would be most appreciated.

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 6:51 am

I sent a $100 to someone by PayPal and they sent it back and PayPal said that was "suspicious", so they kept my money.

Seriously.

not that Radio June 15, 2012 at 8:37 am

They didn't get rich by writing a lot of checks…

CapnRadio June 15, 2012 at 8:43 am

I'm sure it's simply being kept in an account somewhere, waiting to serve as evidence for your upcoming trial for money suspiciousizing.

DahBoner June 15, 2012 at 6:49 am

If that's a picture of you at the party, I obviously left too soon….

SudsMcKenzie June 15, 2012 at 7:08 am

Is it Wonkrentte time again?

CrunchyKnee June 15, 2012 at 8:52 am

In the picture, are those giant yellow squash floating in the pool? My goodness, the 70s were an odd time.

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 10:45 am

I thought they were bowling pins. Hollow bowling pins.

SudsMcKenzie June 15, 2012 at 9:02 am

I'll be out in the field tomorrow so i thought i would respond now to this inevitable post
http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/06/michiga

"Oprah told us it was a vajayjay"

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 9:15 am

Seattle in da house!

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Did you see weejee's call for a meetup 6/30 or 7/7?

previous comment here

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I had not – thanks for the tip!

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Looks like it's going to be on 6/30. See:
http://wonkette.com/475459/the-presidents-famous-

Terry June 15, 2012 at 9:20 am

If I donate more will you send Riley over to pumice my feet while I drink margaritas by the pool?

An_Outhouse June 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

You'll get more donations if you open a sperm bank.

BTWBFDIMHO June 15, 2012 at 10:18 am

I run my credit card to get the kitten-with-a-whip (I'm sure is a calendar featuring Benincasa, Becky Editrixxx et al) but the transaction didn't go thru. Can I use my ForniCard instead?

Chet Kincaid June 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

What do we have to pay to see that picture from the reverse angle?

(Apologies if somebody already went there, I don't have time to crawl through all this shit right now.)

Wonderthing June 15, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Yep. Time to put yer money where your snark is. My snark just looked guiltily around and began whistling and went walking slowly away…

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Tundra, people like you inspire me.
Where in California are you?

Tundra Grifter June 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Barb:

You bring a smile to my lips and put a song in my heart.

I'm in Northern California, the Bay Area, a little south of Berkeley (where every corner store has its own foreign policy). The Big Island of Alameda.

I've been pushing for a Wonkette gathering in San Francisco.

Maybe we'll have to have one without the good Rebecca…

Fare la Volpe June 14, 2012 at 11:48 pm

You treacherous fiend!! What have you done?!!

commiegirl99 June 15, 2012 at 12:16 am

That magnificent bastard. Bested me again!

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 11:56 pm

That's how I wanna go. Right in the middle of a drunken sentence.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:10 am

I would love to have a par-tay in San Fran. I understand we have many Wonkette members there. I have gum, will travel.

scvirginia June 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

Punk-tuation? Are you going rogue?

Biel_ze_Bubba June 15, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Punctuation. It's important.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:24 am

This ISN'T a sexytime comment?
Lowers my sweet sexy southern drawl to a whisper, "I am pulling out my Jeffery Alan wrench…." (mind goes blank)

Why did this have to be about tools? You KNOW our tool box is nothing but essential screws needed to keep furniture together, a Bic lighter and a corkscrew. You tricked me!

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 12:30 am

We're putting together grow boxes in our garden, and my partner's like you. And I'm like Barb. It's been an exciting weekend.

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 12:26 am

Rouge, I think. Also, Daniel Keyes, Flowers For Algernon.

Jeffer June 15, 2012 at 12:35 am

Okay, A true story for those of you that have websites that say we don't really have a life…..
We have a ledge over our front door that is about twelve feet up and is 10 X 3 feet. It's been gathering some dust and we decided we needed to do something about it. I buy a dustmop and such and get the ladder set up. Climb up ( cause, I'll be dayumed if Barb is going up there) and start cleaning up. It's not going very well, and Barb yells, "Hold on, I've got an Idea!" and runs into the garage. Comes out with the leafblower and a 50' extension cord.
Worked like a champ. Sorry goofball chimp sites, no photos for you!

redarmybarbie June 15, 2012 at 5:58 am

(speaks in southern drawl)
Why Barb,

Ah do say, if it so tickles your fancy, I could bring over my trusty screwdriver t' help ya around the house, or maybe even mah jackhammer if your foundation needs a little TLC, so long as you're willing to use that leafblower of yuh's to help me clean up afterwards!

(See, this is what happens when I go for more than 24 hours without sleep…)

By the way, how is yuh fine and distinguished husband doin' these days?

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:40 am

http://yfrog.com/042oc6j
It sucked to go up that high on a ladder. Yes, we used a leaf blower indoors, so sue me.

We only "officially" become white trash if we use a weed whacker indoors.

Jeffer June 15, 2012 at 12:45 am

Shit. I see a spot.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 12:48 am

Denver is out on teh fruited plains, and it ain't a short drive from LoDo to the purples mountains majesty. And you have to go through deserts like Lakewood and Golden to get there. There are some peoplez who actually live on the steep sides of mountains in the Springs, but most of the town these days is ticky-tacky houses out on the plains. Jeebus people and teh troops generally can't afford the mountain sides.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 12:50 am

I love you more than the moon and stars. Get your ass back up and upfist me when you reply to my post.

Pokey, do you really want to get back up on the ladder with the leaf blower? I'm just sayin'……

Jeffer June 15, 2012 at 12:55 am

Something tells me that if we're here 6 more months that We'll be putting our Christmas tree up there in December.
Not that I mind. I'd do anything for you my love!

Barb June 15, 2012 at 1:08 am

The picture doesn't show the incredible picture window above that ledge.

I love that you would do anything for me. Speaking of Christmas………Rebecca is going to offer that sweet little sports car you gave me for Christmas for donors tomorrow.
http://yfrog.com/10r9zej

I've only driven it 1/10th of a mile.

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 1:16 am

I used to live in brand-spankin'-new, just-paved-over-a-prairie-dog-colony north Thornton. Then I lived in scary-almost-Five-Points south Thornton. Then I lived a couple blocks from DU for a year, by "Observatory Park", if I remember the name correctly. That was a lovely place to live, I thought. Sometimes I miss the town. I imagine the "TRex" project is done now so I-25 doesn't suck shit constantly?

I remember working a show where we were promoting Camel cigarettes (no joke, and I'm going to hell). At the end of the night a group of us went to a house party and one of the guys worked at a brewery (2 Dogs?). He had 2 big coolers full of "misfills", so free good beers. Me-e-e-emories.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 1:19 am

MittBorg, you are always sending me to Google. What does "RTMF" mean? I hope it means that you are going to help Wonkette with a donation, please.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 1:25 am

You lived a couple blocks from DU? Were you living with eight other people, or are you one of the rich? TRex is done, but now they're rebuilding the highway north of TRex and replacing the Bronco Arch bridge to the north of that, so the drive still sucks shit, and according to the diagram somebody pasted on the wall at work, it's gonna suck until sometime in 2015. But, hey, JOBS!!!!

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 1:37 am

Everyone was rich but me, I lived in a 4-plex apartment bldg across from some frat houses. The park was about 2 blocks away from that (could be getting geographically fuzzy again…). I still think it's weird (if this anomaly in space-time still exists) that on Colorado Blvd, on one side of I-25 there''s a Village Inn, and there's another one a block or two on the other side of I-25. It did not compute! That's why I left.

Where do you live (east/south/north/west)? Just curious.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 2:01 am

Actually, on Colorado Boulevard north of I-25, there were two Village Inns, one on the east side and one on the west side, a couple of blocks north of the one on the east side. A few years ago, the one on the west side went out, but the one on the east side is still there. My office is just a little ways north of the both of them. I live in the Peoples Republic of Boulder County.

MittBorg June 15, 2012 at 3:53 am

RTFM means Read The Fucking Manual. It's something nobody does, ever. Or at least that's the standing joke in the SillyValley.

I'm digging through the couch cushions as we speak. I am a Poorz, an Oldz, and a Disabledz, unfortunately, so money is always in short supply. But when I put enough coin together, on to the Wonketz it goes.

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 6:52 am

Boulder County? As in, where Boulder is? Well! NOW who's rich? That's a beautiful area.

My girlfriend at the time, now Mrs. Rants, lived in Boulder when I lived in Denver. Then she followed me back to Iowa. I'm irresistible.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

Nope. : )

Barb June 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

Husband is great, thanks for asking. He's getting ready for work.

Barb June 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

You're allergic too? I can't even go near cat food, seriously. My next kitten is going to have to eat only chicken and turkey cat food.

flamingpdog June 15, 2012 at 10:40 am

I can't afford to live in Boulder – I could afford to buy a one-car garage maybe in most parts of town – so I live in one of the old coal-mining towns to the east of Boulder.

Follow you back to Iowa? You MUST be irresistible. Although I'd pick Iowa over southern Illinois or southern Indiana any day. At least you have an occasional hill.

CapnRadio June 15, 2012 at 11:34 am

You know what would really spice things up? Invite a third party into the mix! I hear Custerwolf is available!

vodkamuppet June 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

There's something about KBJ….

emmelemm June 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Ah yes… that rings a bell.

Today, we are all fat jealous losers.

Designer_Radio June 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Actually, you'd be quite disappointed with the hill content of my area. But 3 things that are all related and big selling points for me: 1) Quiet, 2) No traffic, 3) Inexpensive cost of living.

I grew up on a farm and thought I wanted to live in a more happening place. After living in a couple cities for 10 years, I wanted to get back to Boring As Fuck, because it's just what works for me.

radio-of-owls June 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Invite a third party into the mix! I hear Custerwolf is available!

It would still be a two-some.

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