your money or your wife

In Which You Give Wonkette All Of Your Moneys In Exchange For A Measly Beer

Oh yeah we're gettin' shitty

HELLO.

We had a fabulous idea while we were drunk in Detroit last week, and that was that we should do a “Kickstarter” to spread our Wonkette Drinky Things and Meetups all over this great nation. We want to come and see all of you Wonkers, but it turns out? You are not cheap dates!

So on the flight home we made a video (it sucked, but it was supposed to) and wrote a thing explaining how throwing parties all over the country was actually Conceptual art.

Well Kickstarter did not think it was Conceptual art, even though we were a professional art critic and they presumably are not, and they said NO.

But we thought: Why not do the exact same thing Kickstarter would have done but without the 5% off the top, and offer you fabulous prizes our own bad self?

So give us all your moneys, and here is what you will win!

$10 — We will send you a sticker featuring our famous (not famous) kitten-with-a-whip.

$25 — You will have a chance to be one of 10 people to decide where our Drinky Thing and Meetups will be held. Atlanta? Nashville? ALTOONA? Fuck yeah. ALTOONA OR BUST!

$100 – We will make you a goddamn Wonkette tote bag to take to your goddamn hippie co-op and in which you will carry your goddamn hippie organic vegetables. And we will put something in it! Maybe it will be a copy of Howard Zinn’s People’s History of the United States! Maybe it will be something EVEN BETTER.

$1 – You get a thank you email. It won’t even be a form email, but it will probably say roughly the same thing as all the other ones.

Down below should be a “Donate” button. You will need to do TWO things. You will need to press “donate” and then give it your credit card numbers (this is the first thing). And then you will need to send an email to rebecca at wonkette dot com telling us your address, so we can send you your fabulous prizes. Do not expect to get them before August. You will also need to tell us what name you just donated under, so we can assure ourselves that you are not a LIAR. In conclusion, fuck Kickstarter. Cut out the middleman and buy your Wonket a beer DIRECT!

Courage.

Rebecca Schoenkopf,
Editrix





Related

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

389 comments

  1. TanzbodenKoenig

    If I had a job I would love to donate (can only afford cheap beers for myself right now) but someone please pick Knoxville. Or somewhere in like a 2 hour radius of there, Nashville works

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      It's been years but I don't recall there being that many drinky places that would be worthy of Wonkette. Maybe it's different now?
      Anyways, I would fear for their safety should some crazy right-wing loon with a personal arsenal found out through the Intertewbs that a bunch of commie lefty liberals were gonna meet up in Knoxville.
      He'd probably be willing to drive the all way down from his trailer park in Claiborne County to shoot up the place.

    2. scvirginia

      How far are you from Asheville? Probably nice drinking establishments?

      (Likewise unemployed, but trying to think of way to become self-employed…)

    3. HateMachine

      As someone on the far end of the state in fair Memphis, I would like to second the vote for Nashville. Like Memphis, it has a Bosco's which means great food and beer, like Memphis Nashville is an utter shithole, and unlike Memphis it wouldn't cost the US military budget for our lovely Wonkette to fly into and out of.

      1. commiegirl99

        Oh I do love Nashville — but we're looking to make the Memphis Flyer our first print partner since I was at CityBeat. I think Memphis should really get some love, don't you?

        1. flamingpdog

          Memphis was a a nice place to hang when Elvis was there, but now that he works the night shift at the Kalamazoo Burger King, I think you should look elsewhere.

      2. wvfii

        feeling the Memphis love. not something that happens often. make it happen Wonkette!

        FYI Stage Stop in Rockin Raleigh has a $6.95 steak special and meth.

        1. Barb

          Tundra, you are a wonderful person and you make my heart smile, thanks.
          I just donated $100.00 because you make me feel good. (hugs) I hope you get a beer!

          1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            OMG! You're gonna get a goddamn Wonkette tote bag to take to your goddamn hippie co-op and in which you will carry your goddamn hippie organic vegetables! I'm so goddamn jealous! If I had an extra $100 I would get my dog's limp fixed. But the second $100 would be all over that donation.

            PS. I don't really neglect my dog. She's just old and $100 won't fix that.

          2. Tundra Grifter

            Barb:

            That is very sweet of you! Or, as we say in California, "Dulce!"

            For $100 I could probably get a Kallie…

          3. Tundra Grifter

            Barb:

            You bring a smile to my lips and put a song in my heart.

            I'm in Northern California, the Bay Area, a little south of Berkeley (where every corner store has its own foreign policy). The Big Island of Alameda.

            I've been pushing for a Wonkette gathering in San Francisco.

            Maybe we'll have to have one without the good Rebecca…

          4. Barb

            I would love to have a par-tay in San Fran. I understand we have many Wonkette members there. I have gum, will travel.

          5. Boojum

            I tricked Becca! I donated 100 and 25 and 10 and 1 dollars ALL AT ONCE, so I win EVERYTHING SUCKAHS!!!!

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I'm thinkin' that's probably always free. Because, y'know, free market and all.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          I remember Gorilla Biscuits being white and round with "714" stamped on one side and a cross on the other.

          But it's been a while, and when I was looking at them I was…well, I was in the mood…

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Lame 1970s era pool floats on a string. People used them to divide the "deep end" from the "shallow end" as a way to tell kids how to mess with their parents, but mainly they wound up tangled in piles in or out of the pool.

      As opposed to what I can only guess were happy 1970s era floats on the front of the lady in the middle.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Pool floats separating the majors from the minors at this swank '70s pool happening is a necessity. And that also applies to the "tangled piles" of poolside boogie knights and disco damsels.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Dead penguins, near as I can tell. I'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation.

  2. Billmatic

    Ten dolla! Good lawd that's a lotta money! Hows about i give u a NICKEL and u give me a facebook like?

  3. emmelemm

    1. I will donate, prob. after payday.

    2. Doesn't Paypal take at least 5% off the top its own self, for letting you accept credit cards?

    3. You might consider this site: http://www.indiegogo.com/
    They don't appear to have *too* much restriction on what kind of campaign you create. Of course, they also take some percent off the top.

    4. Also, shameless plug for this: The Oatmeal's Charity Campaign. If you're not familiar with The Oatmeal, you should be.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      All credit card transactions, which involve a swipe and the pushing of a few buttons, come with a percentage taken off the top. (The electrons belong to a union, maybe?)

      Transactions involving pieces of paper, envelopes, and stamps, and the schlepping of those pieces of paper from place to place to place, do not. Go figure.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Besides, isn't their founder a dick? Or am I confusing it with–whatever. I know ebay was a bitch.

      1. Glass Eyed

        Ebay is Paypal…and guess what? The bitch is seriously flirting with anti-trust action.

      1. Fuck Toad

        I'm sorry, I only speak Finnish.

        (ETA: I've only posted infrequently over there, so I don't think I can call myself a true Fat Jealous Loser. But indeed I am an obsessive reader.)

        1. emmelemm

          I don't *really* know what this means (the Fat Jealous Loser part), but do you actually speak Finnish? Because that would be cool.

          1. anniegetyerfun

            FYI: "Fat, jealous loser" was an insult thrown at Regretsy readers who called out bogus (or just really shitty) Etsy sellers. Very few things are funnier than Etsy sellers who will fight blog posts about their shitty work with poorly-worded, misspelled invectives against Regretsy. "U dont no what yu r tlakin abot ur just a jealous fat loser! Ur r gung to here from my lawyar"

            The Regretsy community happily embraced the phrase, so it's now self-referential.

  4. shortsandpants

    I keep trying to use my Credit Card, but it seems to be maxed out on RNC donations addressed to some Nigerian.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I'd be willing to barter. I wonder what I could get for a ball of pocket lint & a couple of dust bunnies.

  5. Chow Yun Flat

    I finally left the reserve army of the unemployed for a not very good job at a not very good wage, but after months of not working it is OK.

    So I have a bit of extra scratch for the Wonkettes.

    1. IndianaKevin

      With an offer like that, I'm surprised everyone here isn't hurting themselves digging in the sofa cushions for dollars.

    2. Ryy

      Alright, change "will" to "will try to". Also, if you donate $500 I will explain about freedom to you in a condescending way, including, but not limited to, calling you Sheople.

      Or Sheeple. I don't spell non-existent words well.

    3. flamingpdog

      Are you by chance French? As my learned mentor taught me shortly after I started grad school many decades ago:

      The French they are a funny race –
      They fight with their feet and fuck with their face.

    4. actor212

      I'll give $500 if Editrix throws in nekkis pictures of the editorial staff.

      And I mean, Full Monty, and no contortions to only show backs while showing face. I want boobies and poon (including Ginger and Josh).

  6. Joshua Norton

    There's a rich old dude in Las Vegas who is throwing millions around like it was pocket change. Suck up to him for a bit. Newtie and Mittens hit paydirt with just a basic reach-around.

      1. chascates

        I'm just waiting on the ban hammer (I couldn't use banhammer although ban-hammer is probably appropriate).

  7. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    You better get that pay pal button up before my after work beers wear off. Wait. What's pay pal?

  8. CheeseNPear

    If you're thinking of more valuable prizes, I have one word: TRUCK NUTZ!

    Except that's two words. Or one word and something that's not a word. Sort of a word and a half and an incoherent grunt.

    I forgot what my point was now.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION:

    Does pay pal take hobo beans and moonshine as legal tender?

    1. mrpuma2u

      Don't cast a moonshine pearl before those paypal swine, save it for the actual meet up thingy. I will bring a monster bottle of Hawaiian punch

  10. TribecaMike

    Nice to see that the spirit of Russ Meyer lives on, even if it's in a diluted 21st century way.

      1. TribecaMike

        Classic! I caught that flick here in NYC at the Film Forum several years ago, and after an hour the place reeked of urine from everyone pissing themselves from laughter. For good or ill, Meyer was in many ways the USA's own home-grown Bunuel. Then again, I've drunk at least six beers.

        1. Toomush_Infer

          Hey, what was the one he did where everybody changed into colors – green with envy, chicken yellow, – I've been trying to remember since that drive-in back in 1966…..

          1. TribecaMike

            Ahh, drive ins. Now that's the way to watch a movie!

            Now I watch 'em in bed on my iPod. Yeesh, how the lowly have fallen.

  11. Designer_Radio

    The Paypal Button: Just in case you don't already know this, you probably have to go into the "HTML" or "Code" or whatever tab in your WordPress admin thingy to paste that paypal button code. If you've already done that, then I dunno.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      If she interrupts every interesting post for the next week with a twenty minute plea for cash then we will know for sure.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Pledge week is when they pull off your favorite shows hold them hostage while they substitute them with assorted Irish groups stomping in clogs or singing in a most annoying way. "You want Masterpiece Mystery back, bitch? Pay up.

      1. not that Radio

        That's not entirely true. Sometimes they show BeeGees concerts from 18 years ago.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          BeeGees concerts from 18 years ago

          It's a travesty Tragedy, I'll tell ya!

          *"Tragedy / When you gotta pee/ And you can't find a tree/ Tragedy…" ♫ — Mumbletypeg, 6th grade

          1. not that Radio

            Our presence here at this internet site is proof that we never lost that spirit of a 6th-grader who would craft song parodies with " gotta pee" in the lyrics.

    3. chascates

      My local NPR station (KUT) runs the most annoying commercials asking for donated vehicles. About every other hour.

      1. not that Radio

        KUNM does that too. Do they think I'm made of used vehicles? How many could we possibly give?

        1. smokefilledroommate

          Arizona actually has a PBS plate that I'm proud to display on my own vehicle. Drivers behind me seem less aggressive than when I had that old shitty car with the "Jesus Loves Me But I Make Him Wear A Condom" bumper sticker.

          Radio–did you MadMen yourself? I'll have to use mine..

          1. not that Radio

            That is a cool plate.

            I'm Dewey, actually. Several of us changed our names to "Radio" when Radiotherapy went away, as a show of solidarity. Mumbletypeg has all the details. He'll be back next month.

            And yes, I MadMenned myself.

      2. ThundercatHo

        In the Detroit area there are billboards asking folks to donate their boats. WTF? Will homeless people live on them? Last I heard keeping a boat was fairly expensive.

  12. Designer_Radio

    Which ALTOONA? There's one in Iowa! It's where the casino is. It's the only place you can smoke and drink indoors. Problem is: they hate it when people just stand around gabbing and being disgusting hippy liberals instead of blowing their retirement at the tables.

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    I will send everything I have: Half an apple (my health plan), Two Altoids (my dental plan), an empty Billy Beer can (my retirement) and a '71 Pinto (birth control device).

    1. OldWhiteLies

      THIS! This gets my vote for teh Intertnetz Winner For Today – mebbe even tomorrow.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Rats…I do know the esteemed and polished state Senator. We got Schmidt-faced at a truck stop diner one night after our Whack-a-Mole class.

    1. badgitator

      Compromise and get a turd bag like those fancy, taxpayer-funded, fat cat cop horses have?

  14. Tundra Grifter

    Here's my money makin' idea for Wonkette (Jukesgrl has a share in this concept, by the way – although she's been missing and been missed for a while).

    Wonkette needs a books page. Almost everybody hear reads. A lot. There have been book review blogs and they've been popular.

    There should be a section where we can post brief (not Twitter brief, but brief) reviews of books we're reading – fiction, non-fiction, current affairs, 2012 election, right wing nutz sux, etc. Folks could vote "thumbs up" on the reviews.

    How does Wonkette make money from this? Great question!

    Book publishers and some authors and probably some book sellers would advertise because they would be reaching an intelligent audience of book readers.

    Genius, no? NO?

    1. chascates

      Where IS Jukesgirl? Wonkette may have to start a 'have you seen me?' segment with the missing's avatar.

    2. not that Radio

      She was here this afternoon, over on the Pam Gellar post. Perhaps she was destroyed by the insanity.

      1. scvirginia

        I think we were all destroyed by the insanity, but I suspect that she may have a real life away from the Interwebz.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        scvirginia:

        Can't the Indies sign up for local ads? I'm not an expert on Internets advertising, but if Google can target ads to the point where if I clean out my gmail Spam folder I get recipies for Spam Omlets, Indies can probably purchase ads targeted to Wonketters within their market area(s).

        Then there's all the self publishers, Lulu and her buddies. Blurb? And?

    3. Blueb4sunrise

      Almost everybody hear reads. A lot.

      But we're not spelling Nazis.

      Jukes was also around to celebrate the demise of Jesse Kelly.

      1. CapnRadio

        But we're not spelling Nazis.

        Speak for yourself.

        But, masters, remember that I am a spell check Nazi; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am a spell check Nazi.

    4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I was gonna suggest that our Editrix auction off a chance to motorboat her boobs, but your suggestions is much less offensive (to the editrix) and sounds moar intelectual.

    5. MittBorg

      Jukesgrrrl is somewhere around, dood. I asked where she had been and she said she was lurking quietly.

      The books page idea is good, if you have any evidence that it actually makes money; Editrix would probably be able to get the figures. I know that if you have links on your site to Amazon, you get paid a percentage from any buyers your site sends there. I'm not clear on the details, but the information should be available. And of course there's the whole advertise thing, although if there's one industry that is no longer throwing around the $$, it's publishing.

        1. MittBorg

          I like the idea of our Jukesgrrl drifting silently deep below, watching our legs paddling feebly in the waters above as she sizes up Wonketeers for succulence.

      1. commiegirl99

        Oh hi Dean it's me Editrix. Just wanted to point out that little Amazon box up on the right. I think you can click through and once on the site buy anything, not just my own book that I'm whoring right there. But I am not sure. You could try it, and report back to the rest of us!

        1. chascates

          Just wait till someone dies and leaves me money! My Amazon wish list is already passed the maximum 2500 so I have about 600 in sublists.

          Anyone feeling sick?

      1. Designer_Radio

        LOL chascates!

        Also too: When fired, Wonkette guns shoot a small parachuted marshmallow barely past the muzzle. Instead of the classic gunshot noise, you'll hear an effeminate sneeze. The guns come in one color, "Arpaio Pink".

  15. Clankie

    First off, Denver, because we have like a million weed shops, and Colorado has the best beer in the nation. Secondly, there are no better books than Zinn's "People's History…" so…..

      1. Designer_Radio

        The Springs is like the cliched "Crazy Beautiful" girl, because it really is so beautiful there with the mountains, but it's also militarized and fundie to the hilt.

        1. Clankie

          I don't go to the springs unless I have to, For my money, there are many more beautiful places in Colorado (I always prefer to head west than south) and with less god, guns, and meth.

          1. Designer_Radio

            I used to live in Denver, and it's still a half-hour drive to the foot hills. But it seemed like when I'd stay with people in CS, they lived on the steep sides of beautiful mountainous terrain. Maybe I'm mis-remembering…

          2. flamingpdog

            Denver is out on teh fruited plains, and it ain't a short drive from LoDo to the purples mountains majesty. And you have to go through deserts like Lakewood and Golden to get there. There are some peoplez who actually live on the steep sides of mountains in the Springs, but most of the town these days is ticky-tacky houses out on the plains. Jeebus people and teh troops generally can't afford the mountain sides.

          3. Designer_Radio

            I used to live in brand-spankin'-new, just-paved-over-a-prairie-dog-colony north Thornton. Then I lived in scary-almost-Five-Points south Thornton. Then I lived a couple blocks from DU for a year, by "Observatory Park", if I remember the name correctly. That was a lovely place to live, I thought. Sometimes I miss the town. I imagine the "TRex" project is done now so I-25 doesn't suck shit constantly?

            I remember working a show where we were promoting Camel cigarettes (no joke, and I'm going to hell). At the end of the night a group of us went to a house party and one of the guys worked at a brewery (2 Dogs?). He had 2 big coolers full of "misfills", so free good beers. Me-e-e-emories.

          4. flamingpdog

            You lived a couple blocks from DU? Were you living with eight other people, or are you one of the rich? TRex is done, but now they're rebuilding the highway north of TRex and replacing the Bronco Arch bridge to the north of that, so the drive still sucks shit, and according to the diagram somebody pasted on the wall at work, it's gonna suck until sometime in 2015. But, hey, JOBS!!!!

          5. Designer_Radio

            Everyone was rich but me, I lived in a 4-plex apartment bldg across from some frat houses. The park was about 2 blocks away from that (could be getting geographically fuzzy again…). I still think it's weird (if this anomaly in space-time still exists) that on Colorado Blvd, on one side of I-25 there''s a Village Inn, and there's another one a block or two on the other side of I-25. It did not compute! That's why I left.

            Where do you live (east/south/north/west)? Just curious.

          6. flamingpdog

            Actually, on Colorado Boulevard north of I-25, there were two Village Inns, one on the east side and one on the west side, a couple of blocks north of the one on the east side. A few years ago, the one on the west side went out, but the one on the east side is still there. My office is just a little ways north of the both of them. I live in the Peoples Republic of Boulder County.

          7. Designer_Radio

            Boulder County? As in, where Boulder is? Well! NOW who's rich? That's a beautiful area.

            My girlfriend at the time, now Mrs. Rants, lived in Boulder when I lived in Denver. Then she followed me back to Iowa. I'm irresistible.

          8. flamingpdog

            I can't afford to live in Boulder – I could afford to buy a one-car garage maybe in most parts of town – so I live in one of the old coal-mining towns to the east of Boulder.

            Follow you back to Iowa? You MUST be irresistible. Although I'd pick Iowa over southern Illinois or southern Indiana any day. At least you have an occasional hill.

          9. Designer_Radio

            Actually, you'd be quite disappointed with the hill content of my area. But 3 things that are all related and big selling points for me: 1) Quiet, 2) No traffic, 3) Inexpensive cost of living.

            I grew up on a farm and thought I wanted to live in a more happening place. After living in a couple cities for 10 years, I wanted to get back to Boring As Fuck, because it's just what works for me.

  16. Barb

    My best friend, Bill has taught me "do good things and good things will happen." I base my life upon that ideal.

    Let's chip in and everyone will benefit.
    Thanks BITCHES!

    (okay, don't tell Bill I am calling ya'll that, please)

    1. TribecaMike

      Bill sounds like a good guy, but I imagine during the 1940's hundreds of thousands of others thought something just like that as they were herded into cattle cars on the road to certain doom.

      Nice thoughts are nice, but reasoning by facts is superior. But in my example above pretty much everyone died, so it didn't really matter whether they reasoned by facts or not. They're simply dead.

      But rest easy Bill, I'm not pinning any of that on you. You sound like a good guy.

      1. Barb

        My bestie, Bill is the BEST person ever!
        He:
        Talks me down from the ledge when life is kicking my ass.
        He eats Cheetos with chopsticks to avoid orange smudge.
        He goes to church to make sure that everyone is warm and safe.
        He is a longtime Navy vet.

        In all the years we've been friends we've never had a fuss, not even close. He's my songwriting partner, my greatest inspiration and the funniest person I've ever met.

        And no, before someone suggest it, I've never had a sexual though about Bill. That would be super gross.

        1. Barb

          I forgot something……..
          Bill sent me a case of customized fortune cookies with our favorite Asian joke as all the fortunes: "Surprise! (you're in charge of "supplies") you will eat another" He's married to a lovely and delicate Asian bird. He calls my husband, "that New Mexican"

      2. MittBorg

        I think those who were realistic about what was happening around them, and fortunate enough to have friends and funds beyond the borders, managed to escape. But I know that many people simply did not want to believe what was happening around them until it was too late.

        Did you ever read Aharon Appelfeld's To The Land Of The Cattails?

        1. Barb

          Lol MittBorg. I subscribe to 25 magazines a month and I don't even read those. Lean on any piece of furniture in my house and you will find that I don't read the assembly instructions.

          1. Jeffer

            Fortunately, she's married to a guy who pulls out the instruction manual and lays out all the pieces and tools before part A meets tool B.
            No this is not a sexytime comment.

          2. Barb

            This ISN'T a sexytime comment?
            Lowers my sweet sexy southern drawl to a whisper, "I am pulling out my Jeffery Alan wrench…." (mind goes blank)

            Why did this have to be about tools? You KNOW our tool box is nothing but essential screws needed to keep furniture together, a Bic lighter and a corkscrew. You tricked me!

          3. Jeffer

            Okay, A true story for those of you that have websites that say we don't really have a life…..
            We have a ledge over our front door that is about twelve feet up and is 10 X 3 feet. It's been gathering some dust and we decided we needed to do something about it. I buy a dustmop and such and get the ladder set up. Climb up ( cause, I'll be dayumed if Barb is going up there) and start cleaning up. It's not going very well, and Barb yells, "Hold on, I've got an Idea!" and runs into the garage. Comes out with the leafblower and a 50' extension cord.
            Worked like a champ. Sorry goofball chimp sites, no photos for you!

          4. Barb

            I love you more than the moon and stars. Get your ass back up and upfist me when you reply to my post.

            Pokey, do you really want to get back up on the ladder with the leaf blower? I'm just sayin'……

          5. Jeffer

            Something tells me that if we're here 6 more months that We'll be putting our Christmas tree up there in December.
            Not that I mind. I'd do anything for you my love!

          6. Barb

            The picture doesn't show the incredible picture window above that ledge.

            I love that you would do anything for me. Speaking of Christmas………Rebecca is going to offer that sweet little sports car you gave me for Christmas for donors tomorrow.
            http://yfrog.com/10r9zej

            I've only driven it 1/10th of a mile.

          7. CapnRadio

            You know what would really spice things up? Invite a third party into the mix! I hear Custerwolf is available!

          8. radio-of-owls

            Invite a third party into the mix! I hear Custerwolf is available!

            It would still be a two-some.

          9. redarmybarbie

            (speaks in southern drawl)
            Why Barb,

            Ah do say, if it so tickles your fancy, I could bring over my trusty screwdriver t' help ya around the house, or maybe even mah jackhammer if your foundation needs a little TLC, so long as you're willing to use that leafblower of yuh's to help me clean up afterwards!

            (See, this is what happens when I go for more than 24 hours without sleep…)

            By the way, how is yuh fine and distinguished husband doin' these days?

          10. Barb

            MittBorg, you are always sending me to Google. What does "RTMF" mean? I hope it means that you are going to help Wonkette with a donation, please.

          11. MittBorg

            RTFM means Read The Fucking Manual. It's something nobody does, ever. Or at least that's the standing joke in the SillyValley.

            I'm digging through the couch cushions as we speak. I am a Poorz, an Oldz, and a Disabledz, unfortunately, so money is always in short supply. But when I put enough coin together, on to the Wonketz it goes.

  17. Sharkey

    Dear Wonkette,

    I'm sorry about all the crappy comments I made.

    Can I just pack you a bowl and let's call it even?

    Regards,
    Sharkster

      1. MittBorg

        Wow, youse guys! First Barb and Jeffer are talking tools, and next I find you making the Editrix blue herself. It's a regular fucking orgy in here.

  18. Aridzona

    I live in Arizona, so I guess that's totally out of the question. (Besides, Sheriff Joe would stop all of you at the airport and demand proof of U.S. citizenship.)

  19. commiegirl99

    !!!******WHO IS YER GOD NOW, BECCA?*****!!! Fucking goddamn IntenseDebate lost all my shit again. It’s me you guys. I swear! Ask me a security question! But I have no idea how I’m supposed to moderate comments now since THEY LOST ME.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Skullfuck! rétârd! Kill somebody famous!

      Hahaha!…… [Runs off cackling....]

      1. fuflans

        this made my evening.

        and after jonah goldberg on jian ghomeshi and now a replay of jane mayer on BRIAN FUCKING FISCHER on fresh air i need me some cackling.

        1. Designer_Radio

          Oh boy, that Fresh Air episode just backed up a dumptruck of shit on top of the Angry Liberal brown fart cloud that was orbiting my head this morning. It reminded me of how I drove through Mississippi a couple months ago, listening to NPR the entire time like a Good Liberal. I didn't hear this Brian Fisher person while I was driving my family around, fortunately. I think that's how "Family Annihilations" happen.

        1. Crank_Tango

          I skull-fuck like a gatling gun. Not really sure how I do it, bit there you have it. Also, retard.

    2. commiegirl99

      Hmmm. OKAY well either KIRSTEN is a moderating bitch or KEN has restored me. I guess there is no way we will EVER KNOW.

      But the banhammer's back, so WATCH YO SELF.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Only problem is that I have that weird allergy to seafood, so getting sushi and not paying is not an option. Even if we steal it, I WILL PAY, with anaphalactic shock. We can go steal a Malibu with pecan pies in the back, but we can just go cruise in mah '64 convertible without the risk of slammer. Recommend a Wonkette drinkathon in central/south TX at some point.

          2. Barb

            You're allergic too? I can't even go near cat food, seriously. My next kitten is going to have to eat only chicken and turkey cat food.

    3. ThundercatHo

      I've got a great security question. What is the most amazing thing, according to the male Wonketteers, about your ex-boyfriend?

  20. Butch_Wagstaff

    First I had to spend most of the evening trying to get my laptop back from the land of the dead. I was thinking I'd have to take it to the 'puter hospital where they'd charge me 100 dollars to tell me it's a piece of shit & should just get another one. After which, I would have the strong desire to take off their glasses & stomp on them.
    Luckily, it rose from the dead like Lazarus (thank ya, Jesus!)
    Now Wonkette wants money for their drunken orgies?
    I might be be able to spring a dollar for a thank you email. Hell, Wonkette could skip the email altogether & just take the dollar. I don't read most of my email anyway.
    For $10, I might get the sticker. I'd just stick it to my forehead, go to a mall, and watch as people tried to ignore it. If someone asked me what's on my forehead, I'd just say: "Keeps the aliens out."

  21. Steverino247

    I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can turn that woman by the pool around for me.

    Oh, and if that guy to her right isn't a mobster, I'll be very surprised.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      Ya know, when I saw that photo, my first thought was 'OMG.! It's [....]' Someone I had some acquaintance with in 1978-80. Still miss her.

    2. flamingpdog

      The guy across the pool halfway in front of the umbrella looks like Bobby Ewing from "Dallas". Or I've had too much to drink

  22. ThundercatHo

    Welp, I just sent in my donation cuz we went to Detroit and it was worth the two hour drive of construction and bloodthirsty MI drivers. Our Editrix is warm, friendly and just lovely and all of the men are charming and very good-looking.

    1. Chichikovovich

      You're quite the cutie-pie and charmer yourself, TCHo – it was nice to meet you and your husband (TCHpimp?).

      1. ThundercatHo

        Hey, B. I'm hoping for a drinky-meet-up in your vicinity this winter. Do you think there is a hotel with a bar nearby that would give us a discount?

        1. Barb

          My husband runs 3 casinos with a hotel attached. I have a home that is open to friends like you. Whatever you want is always yours.

          1. ThundercatHo

            Thank you. You are most generous. This sounds like it would be a blast. Let's try and make this happen.

  23. BlueStateLibel

    Hmmm, this sounds suspiciously like PBS. Can I get some Downton Abbey videos for $25? Also: NEW JERSEY.

  24. glasspusher

    How about I pay $7 and you turn off this onswipe nonsense that keeps fucking up the wonketty goodness for my iPad/iPhone? Goddamn. If I want anything other than your fine desktop site that plays fine with the above, I'll ask for it. Thank you.

    1. banana_bread

      YES. But fear not, I figured out how to shut it off! There are three vertical bars in the lower left corner. Touch (or swipe, don't remember) them and a magical sidebar will appear that lets you turn that shit off. I figured this out three days ago and it was like a choir of angels.

      1. glasspusher

        Yeah, but it keeps coming back, like herpes, and opening new tabs. If you hit “back” to go back to the main page, the process often repeats. I've saved the bookmark with the “onswipe never” in it, but it's no guarantee.

  25. Glass Eyed

    So this is the ugly side of the present depression. We have to fund a site promising us beer. If we show up.

    Sorry Hon, I've got a convenience store on the corner. And they are masters at scamming poor folks.

  26. Chichikovovich

    I'm maybe too literal-minded. Undiagnosed Asbergers, no doubt. But I'm not sure I completely understand the bit about the drinking gatherings and videos and kickstarter, etc.
    But I do understand that it takes money to run a site, and you work hard at it, and your work brings me and the rest of us here a lot of pleasure and fun. And I'm insanely well-paid for doing a job I love. So absolutely I'll contribute a couple of hundred. As soon as I can figure out how.

        1. MittBorg

          I'd love to, but Blue talked me out of it. Wouldn't even leave me a couple of pennies to rub together and stay warm!

          No fair, BeccaLou, you went from 30 pee to, like 61, and you JUST signed on again because you lost your keys.

  27. TribecaMike

    Sure, if you can find it in that hellish strip mall her developer pals turned that formerly quaint town into. My at the time Republican-leaning sister lived down the road and kept me up to date on how it made her sick to watch such gruesome goings on. Little did either of us know about Sarah Palin, who was then only a faint glimmer in Bill Kristol's scleritic eye. The only bright spot is sis doesn't lean Repug anymore.

  28. banana_bread

    Hope this will stick around for a week or so when payday rolls around again. But I'm betting Mr. Bread (aka AbandonHope) will agree with me when I say we need to fork over cash monies to make this happen.

    P.S. if you come to Chicago I will buy you an adult beverage.

    1. Barb

      Thanks for helping Banana, my banana! I appreciate your generous spirit.
      Jeff and I will be in Chicago in October and I would love to meet up with you and buy you some pancakes.

    2. AbandonHope

      Yes! The instant we have money that isn't going to food or gasoline or prescription drugs or mortgage payments or car payments or student loan payments or credit card payments or electric bills or gas bills or water bills or sewer bills or internet bills or doctor's bills or paying off the new windows WE WILL BE ALL OVER THIS.

      Expect a check around 2036.

      (I keed, I keed… next Friday assuming the clicky button is still available then.)

      1. banana_bread

        I would just go without the drugs but withdrawal is a bitch. I vote we slack on student loans.

  29. redarmybarbie

    Hm, let's see, I have:

    Half a tin of Mints
    A lapsed WoW subscription
    and a supposedly free cat that's cost me $2000 in vet bills…

    If I donated 50 cents, can I have a pity fuck?

    1. smokefilledroommate

      I have a few signed Misfits albums (Jerry and Doyle ONLY–pun intended) and a paid-off Mazda Protege that I'm really thinking needs a fucking timing belt right about now..

  30. BarackMyWorld

    Why not also a P.O. Box and we can mail you some checks? Because some of us are leftwingers and feel more comfortable sending things through our socialist mail system than the unregulated internet.

  31. elburritodeluxe

    I'm thinking Jersey City, NJ for the drinking and I'm willing to throw down to make that happen.

    1. Barb

      El, Jersey City is a happening place. Please, donate what you can and I hope you get your wish. Thanks!

  32. fuflans

    yeah. sure. why the fuck not?

    i already bought that one dude in the wheelchair outside the cvs a loaf of bread and a brick of cheddar today.

    (and not the off brand cheddar either)

    also, this will be of far more effective than the hundreds of dollars i gave to the WI recall effort.

    i am such a sad little libtard.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Hell, I'd vote for Altoona — especially if the meet-up was on a date that the pernicious Altoona Curve was playing my beloved and noble Richmond Flying Squirrels. And I get paid soon, so you might be in luck.

    1. TribecaMike

      Not a fan of Pretty Miss Kitty Wells, Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Blonde On Blonde, Jack White, heh?

  34. ttommyunger

    Pay Pal is the spawn of the Devil. Fucked me up good a few years ago. Had to actually close a checking account to be shed of them for good. Saying that 'cause I know 'Becca is having problems with her password, etc. all the result of fucking around with Pay Pal. I'll prolly give something later, got to get my narrow ass to bed now, though. Ta-ta, bitches…

  35. owhatever

    I would contribute to your happiness, but I am just a poor Nigerian prince who is heir to an enormous fortune. If you would just send me your credit card number (with security code on the back) and your social security number, I could pay my lawyer to break our (Note: Our) fortune free of my political enemy's control and I will donate half (Note: HALF) of the money to your Wonkette. You do not even have to knit be a tote bag because we are friends. I know your mother would want you to take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

  36. TribecaMike

    No one can resist that silky voice or that penetrating mind. Just thinking about it makes me want to write a $100 check to my local NPR station right now. Oh, the liberal vibe, it squiggles!

  37. HempDogbane

    Let's do it like I do with Minnesota Public Radio. I offer $30. You suggest $10/month. I say I'll do that next year. I give the $30. Then you leave me alone for at least 6 months, maybe more !

    1. commiegirl99

      Ha. The NOBAMA actually got me with that one even after I said no. I am what in used car circles they call "a grape."

  38. chascates

    These comments are so far superior to the Algonquin Round Table's efforts I fear an in-person, live salon might be the death of us all. So that wallpaper goes or we do. Or something. I actually have a new piglet I can sell to throw into the bar jar.

  39. Barb

    I can't find your last comment, DustBowlBlues, lol.
    If you want to be with Lizzie and me in "the sisterhood of the traveling panties" just come and join us on Twitter:

    Wonkette
    WonketteJr
    Commiegirl1

    and Barbara102006

    We have money saving coupons. Okay, that was a lie.

  40. TribecaMike

    I knew there was a reason I liked this site besides the posters. It's cheap! Count me in.

      1. TribecaMike

        Rightbackatcha, Barb! And believe me, I'm one broke bloke.

        But poor as I am, I did have my eye on that musclebound Breitbart poster before it vanished quicker than a Dolph Lundgren direct to dvd. That was primo Craigslist material.

  41. BaldarTFlagass

    I am seeing that the Texas contingent needs to marshal our vote. I mean, we'll never re-elect Obama with Texas electoral votes, but I bet we can entice aTX Wonkfest in some friendly Hill Country spot. We'll be like the Repubs in FL in 2000. Let's get it started. While I am drunk and fucked up from other various and sundry substances both legal and illegal, I created a yahoo specialty acct.. email me at baldartflagass at yahoo dot fucking com. (leave out the fucking) Let's get this done people.

  42. Fuck Toad

    I have chipped in a few ducats for my two favorite things in the world: Wonkette and alcohol. Now please let one of these things be in Portland.

      1. TribecaMike

        Come to lower Manhattan, Barb. Like the wind, the surf, and Shelley Fabares in a particularly bad Elvis movie, NYPD Commish Ray Kelly calls to you… Bali hai!

      1. Fuck Toad

        It's pretty damn awesome, I ain't gonna lie. Not many wing nuts, lots of good food, good weed, good beer, nobody expects you to wear a suit, lots of people don't get up until noon, people are nice to talk to but nobody minds if you want to keep to yourself, doesn't get very hot, lots of pretty plants and flowers.

        It's pretty much paradise.

  43. vodkamuppet

    Me at the Bronx the other day: "Say, Rebecca, all this free booze has to be stupid expensive, right"
    You: "No I got it mang, btw you are the most attractive young man I've ever met"

    And then I flew away with my magic cape and trousers. What's this about money now?

    1. Fuck Toad

      I don't think that was 'wonkett' I think that was 'percocett' and also 'orange sunshine'.

    1. flamingpdog

      I chided all for Rethuglitard Facebook friends a little while ago because I, the Commonist Pinko Librul, was the only one who noticed that today, June 14, is FLAG DAY.
      I wonder if Betsy Ross was a hottie.

  44. BitterKlingon

    ALTOONA, PA might suck ass, but at least we have one bar that makes you feel like you are not in ALTOONA, PA. SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS, STILL CELEBRAYTINDG BOURBON DAY.

  45. imobannon

    Dammit- I love this wonketeer thing, whatever it may be. Sign me up for three emails!!!

    - Sincerely yours, Oklahoma's three liberals.

  46. flamingpdog

    Is this really teh Wonkette here, guys and guyettes? I just got through looking at the blog post pic and then wading through 283 comments, and not even one of them is "I'D HIT THAT"??????

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I'd consider "hitting" that…that is, of course, if the young lady possessed a strong moral fiber and came from a good family.

  47. flamingpdog

    Dear Editrix,
    The only thing I ever bought sort of, kind of indirectly through teh Wonkette was something I bought from my former Wonkette Goddess, Sara Benincasa, at Etsy, but then she lost the item and gave me my money back. So, anyway, before I buy everything on the list above, because I'm an old, overpaid gummit worker with a few Ameros laying around, could you promise I get a hot, sexy 8 x 10 color glossy photo of my new Wonkette Goddess, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, in the hundred-dollah hippie bag?
    Sincerely yours,
    flamingpdog

    P.S. I still lurves you, Sara.

        1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Pffft.

          I've been enamoured with KBJ since her first post. That'd be before we found out how pulchritudinous she happens to be.

  48. BrettFavresDong

    As soon as I get the money I'm expecting from trickle-down economics, I will first fix the zipper on my tent and then I will happily send you some cash. Ooh, I can't wait until all that glorious money comes my way! Very exciting!

  49. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    BAM! Enjoy the beers, my wonkette comrades!

    edit: and SAN FRANCISCO, DAMMIT!

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      We pay money for the Wonkette Drink Tour of Doom not to come near where we live.

  50. DerrickWildcat

    Maybe if you played that Sarah McLachlan commercial about abandoned pets on a continuous loop on the front page, people would give you some more money.

  51. TheLifeSilica

    I'd donate money, but the PayPal nationalists froze my account because I dared to buy something while overseas. Any other payment option would be most appreciated.

    1. DahBoner

      I sent a $100 to someone by PayPal and they sent it back and PayPal said that was "suspicious", so they kept my money.

      Seriously.

      1. CapnRadio

        I'm sure it's simply being kept in an account somewhere, waiting to serve as evidence for your upcoming trial for money suspiciousizing.

  52. CrunchyKnee

    In the picture, are those giant yellow squash floating in the pool? My goodness, the 70s were an odd time.

  53. Terry

    If I donate more will you send Riley over to pumice my feet while I drink margaritas by the pool?

  54. BTWBFDIMHO

    I run my credit card to get the kitten-with-a-whip (I'm sure is a calendar featuring Benincasa, Becky Editrixxx et al) but the transaction didn't go thru. Can I use my ForniCard instead?

  55. Chet Kincaid

    What do we have to pay to see that picture from the reverse angle?

    (Apologies if somebody already went there, I don't have time to crawl through all this shit right now.)

  56. Wonderthing

    Yep. Time to put yer money where your snark is. My snark just looked guiltily around and began whistling and went walking slowly away…

Comments are closed.