Hiram Lewis, a lawyer and a failed servant of the American people (he lost the 2006 West Virginia Senate race to Robert Byrd, and also lost two Attorney General elections), has been arrested for shooting a guy who apparently “intruded” upon him in his home. West Virginia has that lovely Castle Doctrine in effect, so Lewis, who also used to work as a Republican treasurer, is claiming that he was just Standing His Ground. The catch: the so-called intruder, Stephen Bogart, claims that he actually lives in the house in too. This is a LANDMARK CASE, because can you stand yr ground if it is also another’s ground???

In an apostatical fit, maybe, Lewis decided to drop his friend/lover/neighbor/roommate, and having washed his hands of the whole affair, was forced to shoot Bogart (in the leg) when Bogart insisted he was still part of his life. OTHER THEORIES? There are none.

OK fine, there is another. According to Lewis, via local Fox station WCHS, Bogart:

is a homeless veteran who’s been a guest at his camp for the last week until he finds stable employment. Lewis did not elaborate further except to say, “he went crazy today.”

His camp? What is a camp, in this context? Is that what West Virginians call homes? Lewis continued:

I was totally within my rights. I was in my home when I made the, when I shot him, after he barged in my residence and busted the door down. It’s in God’s hands now, but we are a Castle Doctrine state.

According to WCHS (via the West Virginia Record), Lewis shot Bogart when Bogart kicked down the door to their house in Procious (PRAH-shus, or maybe PRO-shus, or even PREH-shus) in Monongalia county (WHAT? This is getting Tolkienesque).

Lewis has been charged with malicious wounding and “wanton endangerment,” which is awesome-sounding, and police apparently are not buying Lewis’s story that Bogart was an “intruder.” His bond is set at $100,000. [WDTV, West Virginia Record]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Two people standing the same ground?

    This is why Thunderdome was invented.

    • Baconzgood


      • Auntie Meh-titty has the final say

    • BornInATrailer

      Krauthammer as Master, Breitbart as Blaster.

      • "Who run Bartertown?"

        Ohmygod, that's closer than we think!

        • BornInATrailer

          Hmm… make their money from shoveling shit and live in a place where you can actually trade a chicken for medical care. Close indeed.

    • WhatTheHeck

      The law of physics states: no two objects can occupy the same space, unless you are Chris Christie.

      • James Michael Curley

        Sorry, that's no two objects can occupy the same STATE if one of them is Chris Christie.

        • Swampgas_Man

          Objects don't occupy Christie's space; they orbit around him.

          • GuidanceRo_Man

            Two morons enter, one comes out limping!

  • Barb

    He's gonna hate his new roommate in prison way more than Bogart.

    • I wonder if Bogart Bogarted?

      • Barb

        No more Humphrey for the guy who shot his lover, Bogart. Now he's going to have to pay for sex.

        Think about it. Imagine it. Wait, it will come to you.

      • TribecaMike

        He had to have. He grew up on Long Island and that's all there is to do there.

        Oh, I thought you meant Humphrey. Never mind.

    • Nostrildamus

      Not a hump-free Bogart.

    • tessiee

      Unless, of course, his cell mate is Raul Rodriguez.

  • What are those….things….on his face? Two fleshy dots in his goatee? Catfish-style barbels? Matching string-warts? What!?!?!?!? America demands to know!

    • BornInATrailer

      Show me "flecks of jizz!"

      • I saw that movie: The KaratGay Kid. That's where Mr. Miyagay gets his knob polished by Danielsan

        • BornInATrailer

          I like the part where he claps his hand together and rubs them to revive Daniel-san's flaccid member.

        • prommie


          • That comes…, no pun intended….later in the film, in the college football shower.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Genital warts . The guy is a total asshole prick.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Don't Bogart my joint, my friend, or I'll shoot."

  • Baconzgood

    FYI. I grew up 8 blocks from the banks of the Mon river and I still don't know how to spell Monongalia. Nor Youghany, Aliquippa or Zelienople. I hade to copy and paste all those words.

    • Ah-HAH! So our Baconzgood is an Appalachian piglet!

      It's OK, them's some weird fuckin' names.

      • MrFizzy

        Mitt can I have some of your pee score – I feel so bloody inadequate.

        • Of COURSE you can, sweetie! I upfist everyone I ever reply to. I wish I could share the pee points, but don't know how. If you find out, let me know.

          • A little secret: I always upfist posts that have only +1, even if I don't find them funny, and give tons of upfists to newbies on general principle.

          • That's sweet. Newbies should be encouraged. (Hugs the girl)

      • Baconzgood

        Yes I was. So when people tell me how about they didn't "fit in" in high school I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and…

        • I know how you feel. (Hugs the little piglet)

          I was the only person in my school (all the way through school) from my ethnic group. Good times! Drink!

        • Sounds like a good thing you didn't fit in there.

    • Chichikovovich

      But can you pronounce "North Versailles" correctly?

      [Haha! Trick question!]

      • Baconzgood

        East Liberty= E-Sliberty
        Squirrel Hill= Squirll Hilw
        Down Town=Daun Taun

        It took me years to get rid of the Pgh Accent. A person could be arguing the merits of Nietzsche and Aristotle, but if you talk the ugly Pittsburgh talk all someone can think is "this dude had a piece of his brain replaced with a cashew."

        • Chichikovovich

          In the mercifully brief time I spent teaching at Pitt, I had a couple of students with accents as thick as Sophie Masloff's. Since I speak with a backwoods accent in both of Canada's official languages, I'm hardly one to throw stones. But still…

          [I had to hear someone say "This needs fixed…" about ten times before I clued in to the fact that it is a thing people in Pittsburgh say.]

          • JerkCade

            Daun't be sucha jagoff.

    • MrFizzy

      I think it's spelled Mongoloidahela – hopefully that's allowable lexicon in the new and somewhat more PC planet wonkette

      • LesBontemps

        Can we just call it Tardistan?

    • Not to put too fine a point on it, but "hate" is spelled wrong alsoo too.

    • Callyson

      Monongalia's correct spelling:

      "Here's a nice river. Be a shame if Mittens fell into it next time he disses a Pittsburgh institution like Bethel Bakery":

      (Usual disclaimer, in a totally non – violent way, etc…)

    • James Michael Curley

      William Pitt was cruisin' down the "mighty Mon" as he called it since Yorkshire men had such limited verbal abilities what with all the historical invasions by Romans and Danes and Celts with Kilts and who knows who. So after months of listening to the natives talk about Poconos, Appalachia, and Aliquippa he got to the junction of the Monongahela and the Allegheny rovers and someone said, "You name one, Marblemouth, but keep it simple." Whereupon he stuttered, "Oh – I – O" and they said, "That's it, we're outa here. Let's go somewhere and get some Iron City and grilled Kielbasa."

    • At least you didn't grow up on the Beaver River. Easy to spell, hard to live down. Especially if you're a grrl.

  • Barb

    "I was totally within my rights."
    I was totally within my whites. Fixed!

  • OkieDokieDog

    I can't believe Hiram lost all those elections. He should have shot somebody back in 2006, then he'd be a 2nd Amendment lovin' Patriot hero.

  • Jesus Christ, this is Hiram Lewis THE FOURTH. There's THREE OTHER fucking bozos running — ok, maybe crawling, by now — around out there just like him.

    • chicken_thief

      Saves all the thinkin and shit that's required to come up with a different name.

      • True. So, like, throwing darts at the Wholly Babble just isn't used any more?

    • Hell-LOOO? WEST Virginia????????

      • Nu? What do I know from West Virginia? They probly shoot people who look like me on sight.

    • An_Outhouse

      Maybe its the only name thery have so they keep reusing it.

      • Well, at least they're recycling.

    • tessiee

      It's West Virginia. Having three or four generations of the same family living is really easy when you start reproducing at age 12.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Lewis just wrapped up the NRA vote.

  • LesBontemps

    Ah, young love.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wait — it was Bogart's joint too? I'm blown away. Then again, so was Bogart.

    • Baconzgood

      *rim shot*

    • Bet it was a shotgun

    • WhatTheHeck

      Maybe Bogart was wearing a hoodie.

  • This stand your ground thing – I have questions!

    What about in a houseboat?? No "ground" to stand on???

    • scvirginia

      Castle with moat. No ground (or apparently grounds) necessary.

    • tessiee

      I only know one person who lived in a houseboat, but it was in rural Louisiana and there were gators in the water, so he could've shot them.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I'm fucking going to enjoy the day when all these wingnuttards finally stand their grounds against one another and eliminate themselves from the gene pool. Libertarianism at its best, I tells ya.

    • chicken_thief

      The Hatfields and the McCoys?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I work with an engineer name of Hatfield, of the notorious clan Hatfield. He's a short little nebbish dude that looks like a garden gnome, not like any of the stars of that show that was on last week on the Hitlery Channel. He's kinda white trashy, for a P.E., and has typical white trashy problems with his kids and his three ex-wives. I can totally see him or his immediate family shooting someone. Hopefully they'll keep it all in the family.

        • Chichikovovich

          Tell him to move to Luckenbach, Texas. That's what you do when the the successful life you're livin' gets you feudin' like the Hatfields and McCoys.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Oh no ya don't. I go out to Luckenbach on a fairly regular basis (it's only 50 miles or so from the Casa de Flagass) for sittin' around and drinkin' Shiner Bock and listenin' to the fiddle 'n' guitar mewsik. I'd prefer he stay where he is…

          • Chichikovovich

            Do you hang out with Waylon and Willie and the boys?[Thanks for bringing back Sharkcat/Behemoth by the way!]—

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Well, Waylon's dead almost a decade, and Willie's nearing 80, but I have attended a couple Willie picnics out there, many moons ago.

    • scvirginia

      I'm jes' hopin' to stay out of the crossfire.

    • You're gonna LERVE this year's Republican Convention in Tampa …

  • Beowoof

    Sounds like a lover's quarrel gone way too far.

  • Bogart probably just intercepted the meth pipe while it was making its circuit. One thing I've learned in Appalachia is NEVER get between a West Virginian and their crystal

  • metamarcisf

    Hate to say this but I think my dad still has some relatives running around Monongolia County. Think I'll invite them over for a shot and a beer, not necessarily in that order…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hiram? Is that Mooslim or Jewy?

    • scvirginia

      Hiz daddy were worried he'd be unemployable…

  • Tommmcattt

    Castle Doctrine! Sounds kinda sexy/bdsm-y until I look at the picture again and throw up in my mouth.

    Hey baby, wanna play some castle doctrine tonight?

    GWM, 6'0, 180lbs, seeks GAM for light bondage, castle doctrine….

    • chicken_thief

      "Hiram Lewis, a lawyer and a sucker of cock…."

      • Beowoof

        You say that like its a bad thing. Yet many republicans who want to be or are elected to public office seem to have a definite proclivity for that activity. I think we should accept them and tell them to blow their way to the top.

    • I'll bring my ropes.

  • Where's the SEX TAPES?

    C'mon, you don't think Hiram Lewis IV was letting Bogart live in his house out of the goodness of his heart, do ya?

    • Many pig squeals were heard from the woods…

    • They're the Kim and Kanye of Monongalia.

  • SoBeach

    Come on, dude. Lesson #1 for self-loathing gay republicans: Stick to public restrooms. You don't bring 'em home with you. You do that and they start thinking they've got some kind of relationship with you. And that would be gay.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Lets withhold judgment until we find out if Bogart was wearing a hoodie.

  • niblick77

    A woman scorned?

  • MrFizzy

    Is there some inverse correlation between goatees and IQ?

    • tessiee


      I thought that was mullets.

  • Baconzgood

    No joke. In my crazier days as a young man, I used to buy moonshine just a little out side of Morgantown near Tunnelton WV. Great moonshine but you can't smoke while drinking it.

    • OldWhiteLies

      BG, how'd that meetin go w' the brass and the new CO? Shake up, or same-only-different?

      • Baconzgood

        OH no! They got me and Depart Director Dale Part II into an office and sat him down. Upper brass told him.

        "Let Baconz do his job his own way. He's our best. If you implement new policies and procedures it will effect his #s. DON'T FUCK WITH BACONZ #S. He makes more for us in one quarter than we pay you in a year. Plus if you hassle him with petty office politics he will make your life a living hell. We've seen him do it before."

        It was pretty cool. Upper management laid down the law on my side. Believe it or not I'm a pretty good sales man. I got the gift for gab and my clients like me.

        • YAY BACONZ!!!

          Of course you are. BaconzGOOD.

          • Baconzgood

            It's my sales strategy. The secret is *looking both ways then whispering in your ear* Keep 'em drinking until they sign the papers.

          • Good thing you can drink all those fuckers under the table, then, innit?

            Just take care of your liver when you can, dood.

        • Nothingisamiss

          Hoorah for our little BaconZ!

        • OldWhiteLies

          Well done Sir. Carry on! (Outta da pahhhk)

        • emmelemm

          NICE. Hooray 4 Baconz!

        • James Michael Curley

          I would avoid any trips with upper management for a while. Especially to 'resorts' where they have hot tubs in every room.

  • Estproph

    Castle Doctrine. Shooting after shooting. Every day brings more shootings in what are at best dubious circumstances. In other words, daytime in the USA.

  • Eve8Apples


    • Toomush_Infer


  • Oblios_Cap

    I shot him, after he barged in my residence and busted the door down. It’s in God’s hands now, but we are a Castle Doctrine state.

    I agree. i'd shoot the bastard, too, if he barfed in my residence. Oh..nevermind.

    How do you barge in and then bust the door down? Doesn't it work the other way around?

  • Schmannnity

    If someone had to be shot, I'm glad it was Bogart and not Bacall.

  • chicken_thief

    Monongalia county? Is that some Latin phrase for "man on homeless man" or something?

    • BaldarTFlagass


    • Beowoof

      Well they do live in Yurts, so there is that going for them. That is all their republican overlords will let them have.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe it's a typo – Morongalia?

    • It is now.

    • It's Cherokee for Teh Stupid.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    The White Castle Doctrine…?

    • Toomush_Infer

      um, is that the one for domestic abuse?….

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Sexual abuse of a cheeseburger?

  • I'm just gonna be standin' on my ground everywhere!

  • glamourdammerung

    I am pondering how someone could wound another person with no malice being involved. Outside of accidents and negligence, I am at a loss.

    • "Malice" here is a legal term of the art, meaning a specific mental state, or intent. If I shoot you because I'm drunk or pissed off because you screwed my old lady, I might mean to scare you, or hurt you, but probably don't mean to kill you. But if I shoot you because someone paid me munnies to, or I can profit by your death in some way, then I definitely *meant* to kill you. That latter state of mind is the malice required for a charge of murder rather than, say, manslaughter or negligent homicide.

  • Ryy

    Get of our house or I'll shoot!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Wait….."GET YER ASS OFF MY DAM GUN!"….

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Dudley: I'll she-didn't-care-for-you you, my boy! Now then! She's gone up there, to the great sewer in the sky, the biggest drain of them all. All you can do is make this place into a sin-cellar. Yeah – you're nothing but a whoo-er! You're a whoo-er! Get out of my house. Get-out-of-my-house!
      Peter: Father, it's not your house, it's my house.
      Dudley: Oh, pardon me for living. Pardon me for having two strong sturdy legs to stand on! Well, get out of your house, then! Never darken your doorstep again! Get out!

  • TribecaMike

    What goes on at camp should stay in camp. Especially band camp.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I am the king of wherever the fuck I am!"

    • OldWhiteLies

      YAY! TeethyKat is back!

  • sbj1964

    And they were such a cute couple?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Worst. Scruff. Hookup. EVER.

    • prommie

      Do. Not. Want.

  • Welcome to my camp, I guess you all know why we're here.

  • GregComlish

    Are you saying Hiram likes to Fire 'em?

  • emmelemm


    Must… not… make Mongoloid / r*t-rd joke…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Take me home
    Country roads
    To the place
    I thought I belonged
    West Virginia

  • chascates

    In Louisiana a camp is a place where you hang out with your buddies and mistresses/prostitutes and fish, hunt, eat, play poker, and get falling down drunk. In West Virginia this may refer only to a tent or old snow cone truck, however.

    • TribecaMike

      "old snow cone truck" ;-[)

  • Get of my ground!

  • Baconzgood

    It must suck being named Bogart when you're smoking dope.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Just thinking, but with all of these "Stand Your Ground" laws, "this is my castle," etc., if I was a Native American, I'd be starting to get ideas…

    • LesBontemps

      Yeah they tried that. Which is why today we have Indian casinos — similar principle, less shooty.

  • Ryy

    Did it to p off Romney

  • pinkocommi

    Remind me never to visit a state with the official motto: "Shoot first. Ask questions later."

    • All of them, Katie?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Interesting, as this little bon mot paraphrases "Kill them all, let god sort them out"- which originated with Simon de Montfort snr. Oh, and what happened to him? His head was crushed by a stone from a catapult. And what happened to his son? His head and balls were cut off, the one was nailed to the other, and posted back to the killers wife as a souvenir.
      Just saying those who live by the sword may well die by it- be careful what laws you wish for..or as Churchill put it "the bear blew first"

  • __kth__

    Not the stuff that dreams are made of.

  • My belief system is this. CASTLE DOCTRINE. I will stand my ground in Monongalia because it is a castle doctrine state. I will stand my ground in your house, I will stand my ground in their house, I will stand my ground in that house over there too. I will stand my ground in your camp, your mothers house, your dogs house or your kids house. When I wave my gun it's time to move, as is my right.

    • You can stand your ground in a box
      you can stand your ground with a fox
      you can stand your ground on a boat
      you can stand your ground with a goat
      you can stand your ground here and there
      Say! You can stand your ground anywhere

      • James Michael Curley

        God one Dr. Suesem.

      • We shall stand our ground on the beaches, we shall stand our ground on the landing grounds, we shall stand our ground in the fields and in the streets, we shall stand our ground in the hills; we shall never surrender our guns.

  • HarryButtle

    Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he had to walk into mine. So I fucking shot him.

    • swordfis

      That's great

  • Nostrildamus

    Moron Gala in Monongalia !

  • elburritodeluxe

    Intruder… lived there… let's just focus on the fact that he shot an unemployed Veteran!

    • Good point. It's all Boehner's fault.

    • TribecaMike

      Tomorrow night, Fox News is running a three hour special dedicated to that door.

  • MosesInvests

    This land's not your land, this land is my land,
    I got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
    If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
    This land was only made for me.

    • emmelemm


  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Soon the Stand Your Ground law will be declared unconstitutional by the NRA and the wingnuts will introduce and pass the really, really, really extra constitutional law entitled as the He Looked at Me Funny law.

  • shortsandpants

    If you're standing on the ground, fire away, West Virginians.

  • DahBoner

    Knock, knock!

    Who's there?

    Pizza deliv—BLAM! BLAM!

  • TribecaMike

    Can't anyone spell Mongolia correctly anymore?

  • Barrelhse

    Monongalia is a medical term referring to a vaginal condition where the labia are only formed on one side.

  • telecustom1972

    "It’s in God’s hands now". – I, for one, am "F" – ing psyched to see how God is going to rule on this one!

  • Is that another smiling mug shot? Egad! I demand shame and desolation from my mug shots, by jingo!

    Is he really gay? I'm always suspicious of gay Republicans. I can't help it. I certainly don't think they should attempt relationships. There's a reason why God created

  • comrad_darkness

    If everything is In God's Hands, why the fuck does he need a gun?

    • TribecaMike

      Selah, shalom, amen, and cocked.

  • ElPinche

    I'm off tomorrow so I'm about to engage in some wanton endangerments myself.

  • tessiee

    Hiram Lewis?
    Hiram WALKER, if I know anything about it!

  • tessiee

    Police got suspicious when Hiram Lewis called them and told them to "just ignore" any calls from Stephen Bogart.

    • TribecaMike

      If he'd been Black or Latino, the SWAT team would have been there three weeks ago and they'd all be died. And people complain about police department cutbacks.

  • ttommyunger

    Upon hearing the news, NRA's Wayne La Pussyfart Lapierre reportedly snorted: "Shot him in the leg? We teach them better than that!".

  • TribecaMike

    Hacks smiling in their mug shots has become the norm, but hacks giving come hither looks in their mug shots is just plain wrong.

Previous articleMitt Romney’s Honking Bus Totally Sticks It To Rival High School
Next articleWe Will Not Mock This Pamela Gellar Post Until A Doctor Assures Us She Did Not Have A Stroke