The ol' double-fisted reacharound for extra points.

The Senate Banking Committee ordered Wall Street fuck-up and J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to testify Wednesday on how his bank managed to turn over $2 billion into poop and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety should, in fact, necessitate a few moderate regulations to prevent such things in future. Just kidding, please drug test yourself immediately for meth if you thought this would happen. Famous idiot Senator Jim DeMint used Dimon’s visit to hold a whiny losers support group meeting. “We can hardly sit in judgement of your losing $2 billion,” said DeMint. “We lose twice that every day here in Washington and plan to continue to do that every day.” Did we say support group? We meant a slippery, wrinkled white orgy, and that was foreplay. We discourage you from reading the following filth on a work computer.

Try not to look at this as you read it:

“As you can tell, there’s a temptation here. Every time something goes amiss, we want to add a regulation, and we’ve surrounded the banking industry with so many regulations and we still seem to have problems here and there,” DeMint added. “I think we do need to recognize that you are a very big bank, the biggest in the world. You’ve got very big profits. Periodically you’re going to have big losses and we need to look at that as part of doing business.”

Good grief. A little modesty perhaps, Jim DeMint? “The problem with the banking industry is that we’re trying to force it to wear condoms. It’s big. Very big. The biggest in the world. Condoms ruin the fun of risking preventable diseases.” This is apparently just the sort of filth that gets Jamie Dimon going. Look at him all giddy, already promising to move in:

So concerned were the senators that increased regulations might burden Wall Street that in an exchange with Sen. Roger Wicker (R-MS), Dimon even offered to get neighborly with the people charged with policing his firm’s actions, to keep them well informed about financial regulatory issues.

“Me and lots of other folks, we’ll do whatever you want, we’ll even get apartments down here,” Dimon offered.

He’ll bring friends! That sounds dirty enough for the Senate Banking Committee. Just one more promise, though: Will Jamie Dimon agree to pull out next time? Reputations must be guarded!

Sen. Jerry Moran (R-KS) asked Dimon and his firm to be good corporate citizens, if only to avoid complicating conservative free market messaging. “How you managed JPMorgan is the business of your board of directors, your shareholders, but it does have consequences to those of us who believe in the free-market system, its value, its merit. I have the sense and I hope it’s the case that it is a responsibility you understand. [Your] behavior really matters in our ability to be an advocate for a free-market that creates jobs and economic opportunity and allows Americans to pursue the American dream.”

Sorry you had to read that. You are invited to take a purging dip in a vat of radioactive toxic waste to cleanse your brain cells of this filth, but …eh, like that will work. [Raw Story/TPM]

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  • nounverb911

    "No 1%ers were harmed in the making of this debacle."
    –Jim DeMento

  • nounverb911

    Is the $2B loss tax deductible?

    • Doktor Zoom

      We need to address fraud in the banking system.

    • AncienReggie

      Yes. It's deductible.

    • noodlesalad

      Why not? If it was $2B in profit it sure would be.

    • Callyson

      Not for those of us who will ultimately pay for it.

  • Fairtackle

    Yeah, but just try and get away with that at a Cirque du soleil show …

  • nounverb911

    Dimon's going to need a Silkwood shower after getting a tongue bath from DeMinty.

  • OzoneTom

    Making risky bets with taxpayer-backed money is just good business.

  • poorgradstudent

    And yet they still have to hire experts to figure out why nobody likes Congress and voter turnout is always so low.

  • Serolf_Divad

    The inqury went something like this:

    Random Congressman: Mr. Diamond, sir, your critics have suggested that J.P. Morgan may be engaging in the same kinds of dangerous speculative derivatives trading that led to the financial crisis of 2008. Would you care to respond.

    Jamie Diamon: Blow me.

    Random Congressman: [looking about nervously] What… here?

    • Jimmyone

      Many up fists for you SD for speaking truth to power.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Yeah, particularly well done, friend.

    • Terry

      DeMint and his pals are like junior high school outcasts getting to talk to one of the popular kids, ass kissing as hard and fast as they can in the hope the popular kid will like them.

    • HoytClagwell

      Damn, I wish I'd said that.

    • Negropolis


  • PuckStopsHere

    Jim DeMint (R-$) short version: "Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

    • spinozasgod

      actually, it's "thank you sir, may the american people have another?"

  • hagajim

    Can we just slip a Trojan Magnum over DeMints big dickhead so he can fucking suffocate already. He and his dickhole friends have been trying to suffocate the country for the past 4 years. Seems fair to me.

    • miss_grundy

      Nah, just stick him inside an Iron Maiden, close it on him and push the mechanism that will turn him into a pin cushion. Or, you can defenestrate him. Or turn him into a human pinata. Just do something so he'll disappear off the face of the earth.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Elizabeth Warren would be such a cool addition to the Senate Banking Committee…

    • Katydid

      If you think even the Dems want Elizabeth Warren around, you are on meth. Nobody, except the people, want here anywhere near Washington. You watch, the Dems are not going to push for her to be elected. She threatens everyone in DC.

      • BerkeleyBear

        That's why Obama called on her to set up the CFPB in the first place, is because Dems hate her so. You are overstating it just a tad.

    • sewollef

      She'd be like the Alien in the extra terrestrial china shop…. chewing everyone's head off and spitting the glob on the soup tureens.

      I love my mixed metaphors.

    • They'd never let her on it.

      • Negropolis

        If Harry Reid wanted to keep control of the Senate term he sure as hell better put her on it assuming she gets there to begin with.

  • johnnieutah

    Why is the photo above NOT of Jaime Dimon?

  • sharethegrief

    Fucking DeMinted.

    • Callyson

      Dr. Demento libel!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Preferably with a rusty, tetanus-riddled, running chainsaw set on "Excavate."

  • GeorgiaBurning

    They're right. Regulations are difficult to enforce and compliance is burdensome. Let's face-brand and chop off fingers.

    • Serolf_Divad

      With this crowd running the show? They'd pick some 43 year-old part-time teller from the Poughkeepsie branch, who also works part-time at the Waffle House in a desperate bid to keep her daughter off the streets and see her through community college.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Like Gretchen Carlson, I now need a shower.

    • scvirginia

      Even though we're all getting taken to the cleaners?

  • Seattle Wonker re-post – sorry

    Seattle Wonketteers, we've talked about getting together. There were several who asked for Saturday night rather than weekday. I'll check at the Latona Pub tonight about availability of their upstairs on Sat 6/30 and Sat 7/7. Please post which date would work better for you for an unofficial Seattle gathering.

    • AncienReggie

      All of them, Katie.

    • Fairtackle

      Either works for me.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I actually have a pool party on Saturday, July 7. The 30th should be doable. I love to come and be socially awkward with my fellow PNW Wonketters.

      • emmelemm

        A "pool party"?? What are you, a 1%er?

        I keed.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          No, and the one throwing it isn't either, but has the great advantage of buying his first home when the market is down, and having a VA loan on top of that.

          We'll see what the maintenance does to him, but I'll enjoy it when I can.


    • emmelemm

      I could do either one!

      (Whew – after the first couple sentences, I thought you were going to suggest this Saturday, when I couldn't go, and I was going to be massively disappoint.)

    • Doktor Zoom

      I will drive in from Boise for either–would anyone have a couch I could surf? (Well-behaved male, 50, snore a bit, have all my shots)

    • SudsMcKenzie

      no Comet??

    • UW8316154

      Either day works for me.

  • Schmannnity

    Jamie Dimon likes bareback banking.

    • Fairtackle


    • Negropolis

      The Senate just doesn't know how to quit him, bless their hearts.

  • not that Radio

    Try not to look at this as you read it:

    I could literally smell that thick, awful old rich dude cologne wafting off the hands in that photo. I think I'm going to be sick.

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    18th December 1982

    Donald Rumsfeld asked Hussein and his military to be good world citizens, if only to avoid complicating conservative free market messaging. “How you managed Iraq is the business of your Ba'ath Party, your shareholders, but it does have consequences to those of us who believe in the free-market system, its value, its merit. I have the sense and I hope it’s the case that it is a responsibility you understand. [Your] behavior really matters in our ability to be an advocate for a free-market that creates jobs and economic opportunity and allows Iraqis to pursue the American dream.”

    • TribecaMike

      Lincoln couldn't have said it better. George Lincoln Rockwell, I mean.

  • sewollef

    Senator, senator senator…. Jim DeMint has made yet another prick of himself, much like last November, when he was the only senator to oppose a measure aimed at hiring veterans, calling it a "trick" by the Obama administration and Democrats.

    According to DeMint, he knew his decision wouldn't be popular, but still cast the lone vote against an amendment to grant employers tax breaks worth up to $9,600
    for giving a veteran a job.

    See, he's not only a cocksucking, sycophantic prick to Wall Street, he hates veterans too.

    • Chichikovovich

      And he hates tax breaks to employers!

      Jim DeMint wants to tax job creators more than the Democrats do!

  • coolhandnuke

    The Senate Banking Committee Hearing starring Jamie Dimon…aka Rich Criminal Narcoleptics Circle Jerking Each Other in Their American Wet Dream.

    Without protections.

  • Katydid

    Four words: Public. Financing. Of. Elections.

    • Your woofs to doG's ears.

    • GeneralLerong

      One more word:


      I mean, like, before I'm dead when it happens.

      • Katydid

        As Shakespeare (?) said, first we kill all the lawyers.

        And since all lobbyists are lawyers, and many Congressfucks are laywers, we're halfway home.

        • GeneralLerong

          How about banksters, too? I never met a banker I didn't dislike.

          [I don't travel in the Legion of the Damned, where one can chat up hedge fund managers]

  • OldWhiteLies

    What do you call a circle of psychopathic sycophants (or is it sycophantic psychopaths?) – cause circle jerk doesn't even remotely come close for this murder of crows.

    • scvirginia

      You mean other than Congress?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Jim uses DeMint to get de taste of corporate semen out of his mouth.

    • scvirginia

      Jim uses corporate semen to get the taste of DeMint out of his mouth.

      There- fixed it for ya.

  • It goes to show that GOPer senators will suck dick for gold (although a lot of Demrat senators aren't much better.)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dear J P Morgan Human Resource Representative,
    Please consider my attached resume as an application for any CEO position you may currently have open. As you can see from my resume I have the type of experience necessary for the position. My experience in suffocating kittens and puppies, passing lie detector tests, stealing candy from babies, multiple hit and runs, and several successful lawsuits against the Girl Scouts of America for sexual discrimination makes me well qualified to take charge of a corporation of J P Morgan's caliber. I look forward to your response in the near future.
    M. Grumpe.

  • chascates

    Just doing God's work. And God made a few mistakes. (The Devil. Creating man in His own image. Fire ants. Dick Cheney.)

  • sullivanst

    Whew. From the involvement of Jamie Dimon and Jim Demint (and can it be coincidence their names are so similar? I THINK NOT!), I thought this was going to be even worse, which would've been dangerous for me as my blood pressure is still elevated from the Rand Paul thread.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    OT BREAKING: One Less Loser Fuckwad to deal with.

    Jesse Kelly ends run for Congress

    • "In a simple news statement, Kelly said: 'I would like to thank our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…'"

      Allah Akbar!

      • Doktor Zoom

        What a douchebag. Clearly, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has better things in mind for Mr. Kelly.

        Like maybe serving as speed bump somewhere.

    • He has a mouth like a lamprey.

  • Wonderthing

    Many people WANT the rich to fuck them in the ass. Maybe something will trickle down.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Perhaps it's a bit early, but in order to be well-prepared, we'll just mark this as "Exhibit A" for the revolutionary court.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Invest in mattresses. With a Congress like this, that's where everyone's going to be putting their money in a few months.

  • qwerty42

    The fawning and boot licking was a bit off-putting. And these guys usually seem so full of themselves.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Jim DeMint, making whores look like ladies of the highest integrity, way to go, you corrupt old piece of garbage.

    • Callyson

      Whores give their cllents something of value. Wall Street bankers, not so much…

  • shortsandpants

    DeMintard is simply implying that private vacations funded by the private sector are a lot more fun than crappy fundraisers. Who, after all, really wants to kiss the ass of every god damn grandmother ever enlisted to the ranks of his loyal stewards? If you were a Senator only making $150,000 a year and totally dependent on the popular sovereignty you need comin' at ya from all sides every six years in some shanty-town disgrace unworthy of corporate poo-poo, you would totes fly all over the fucking place like Superman not doing anything, as for the people you serve it means LESS GOVERNMENT. You see? People get LESS GUB'R'MINT and DeMint gets more "FLYING AROUND ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE FUN TIME LAND TIME WHEEEE." Makes sense, EHHH??? Politics is hard and by golly these dudez need a break. Voting DeMint out is really just doing him a gi-nor-mous favor, DUDEZ. Get on it.

  • Callyson

    “Obviously as we’ve seen, the laws and regulations are not necessarily improving things,” DeMint agreed. “Some of the things you’ve done voluntarily — and other banks — like capital requirements. I think a best practice — if we could do anything to encourage the industry to develop a lot of its own voluntary rules, that would guide us a lot better.”

    Gee, if we could get you folks to cover your asses better so that you don't embarrass us by fucking up Main Street's retirement in such an obvious way that the voters actually want us to do something to prevent it from happening again, that would be great…


  • owhatever

    I'm a megabanker. Trust me. Or fuck off, one of the two.

  • CivicHoliday

    DeMint's poor anus must be mighty sore this evening.

  • Exhausted66

    I thought the Tea Baggers hated the bank bailouts.
    So confused.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well poor Jamie Dimon has to live on a $23 million salary, which is nothing when he has his reputation slandered by a bunch of poor hacks like economists and SEC investigators and such. It's as though the peasants don't understand the moral equivalence between wealth and impunity.

  • Glass Eyed

    Back in the days before p-ness, when I still gave a shit about anything at all, I used to be a wonketeer. Now I just drink and listen to old Hoyt Clagwell records.

    Actually, that's not true, I'm a troll. But I do have one question: How many dicks do you have to suck before you're allowed on the Senate Banking Committee? Just wondering 'cause I def need a job.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Madame LaFarge just asked me -"is there a W in DeMint?"….

    • I presume Madame LaFarge refers to your spouse (often also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed), since that was the monicker I graced my own former spouse with. What did you tell her? That DeMint doesn't do anal?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Something going amiss?" Is that what its called when my house and 401k lose 1/2 of their value? I'm just "part of doing business"? DeMint and Dimon make me feel murdery, and I hardly ever feel that way. If anyone has ever needed a good skullfucking its these festering rectal polyps from hell.

  • “How you managed JPMorgan is the business of your board of directors, your shareholders

    Leaving out the FDIC, since Dimon was rolling the dice with funds guaranteed by federal deposit insurance, the Fed, since Morgan has access to the discount window, the SEC since they are subject to reporting laws and regulations, etc. etc.

    Plus everyone in the country when JPM has to be bailed out again.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It is as my Grandmother always taught me: you should never question money.

    • shortsandpants

      Money always seems to be gone before you can ever get the answer, anyway.

  • Jamie Dimon = Jim DeMint — TWINS separated at BIRF?

    If someone else has already posted this, I'm goin' postal.

    • TribecaMike

      It's a white trash thing.

  • lulzmonger

    DeMint: "Mr. Dimon, we sincerely hope that our efforts to make the system easy as pie to game won't lead you to game the system & make our clown show look worse than it already – oh what the hell, why don't you just roger my quivering browneye right here & now, you sexy Jerb Creator! Oh yes! YES! YES! Harder, Daddy! I've been a very bad boy!"

    Dimon: "The check's in the mail."

  • ttommyunger

    I was in a whorehouse in Nevada one weekend with ten grand cash in my pocket. I had the same look on my face as Jamie did during that hearing.

  • Negropolis

    and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety…

    She is so going to sue your ass for libel. lol Better put "allegedly" somewhere in there.

  • TribecaMike

    Possible TV tie-ins:

    Jamie Dimon, Super Duper Filthy Rich P.I. [ABC Family]

    Jamie Dimon's Down Home Homeopathic Remedies [HSN]

    Jamie Dimon, Celebrity Punk Ass Chef, Ya'll [BET]

    Jamie Dimon: Beyond The Closet, Starring Shannon Tweed as Jamie Dimon [Showtime]

    Jamie Dimon, Smells Like Old Rank Turds On CNN [CNN]

    Anne Rice's Jamie Dimon, Wall Street Stakes II [Cinemax]

    Jamie Dimon, The Smarmy-Assed Guy Who Thought He Had All The Bases Covered Until He Stepped Out Of His Limo On Park Avenue & 54th Street And Got Run Over By A Coors Lite Delivery Truck (Irony!) [Bravo]

  • Look! It's a rich guy! A *super* rich guy! Nevermind those silly liberal wags… COME TO ME, DAHLING, AND LET ME SMOOCH YOUR SPHINCTER! *Mmmwah*

  • Antispandex

    NOW I understand how that whole Border Patrol agent / blowjob / Cirque du Soleil thing happened…. whiney Republicans, of course!

  • barto

    DeMint to Dimon:

    "Don't move. I'll go get you a towel."

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