FREE INTERNET PORN IS THE WORST  6:30 pm June 14, 2012

Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The ol' double-fisted reacharound for extra points.

The Senate Banking Committee ordered Wall Street fuck-up and J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to testify Wednesday on how his bank managed to turn over $2 billion into poop and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety should, in fact, necessitate a few moderate regulations to prevent such things in future. Just kidding, please drug test yourself immediately for meth if you thought this would happen. Famous idiot Senator Jim DeMint used Dimon’s visit to hold a whiny losers support group meeting. “We can hardly sit in judgement of your losing $2 billion,” said DeMint. “We lose twice that every day here in Washington and plan to continue to do that every day.” Did we say support group? We meant a slippery, wrinkled white orgy, and that was foreplay. We discourage you from reading the following filth on a work computer.

Try not to look at this as you read it:

“As you can tell, there’s a temptation here. Every time something goes amiss, we want to add a regulation, and we’ve surrounded the banking industry with so many regulations and we still seem to have problems here and there,” DeMint added. “I think we do need to recognize that you are a very big bank, the biggest in the world. You’ve got very big profits. Periodically you’re going to have big losses and we need to look at that as part of doing business.”

Good grief. A little modesty perhaps, Jim DeMint? “The problem with the banking industry is that we’re trying to force it to wear condoms. It’s big. Very big. The biggest in the world. Condoms ruin the fun of risking preventable diseases.” This is apparently just the sort of filth that gets Jamie Dimon going. Look at him all giddy, already promising to move in:

So concerned were the senators that increased regulations might burden Wall Street that in an exchange with Sen. Roger Wicker (R-MS), Dimon even offered to get neighborly with the people charged with policing his firm’s actions, to keep them well informed about financial regulatory issues.

“Me and lots of other folks, we’ll do whatever you want, we’ll even get apartments down here,” Dimon offered.

He’ll bring friends! That sounds dirty enough for the Senate Banking Committee. Just one more promise, though: Will Jamie Dimon agree to pull out next time? Reputations must be guarded!

Sen. Jerry Moran (R-KS) asked Dimon and his firm to be good corporate citizens, if only to avoid complicating conservative free market messaging. “How you managed JPMorgan is the business of your board of directors, your shareholders, but it does have consequences to those of us who believe in the free-market system, its value, its merit. I have the sense and I hope it’s the case that it is a responsibility you understand. [Your] behavior really matters in our ability to be an advocate for a free-market that creates jobs and economic opportunity and allows Americans to pursue the American dream.”

Sorry you had to read that. You are invited to take a purging dip in a vat of radioactive toxic waste to cleanse your brain cells of this filth, but …eh, like that will work. [Raw Story/TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 105 comments }

nounverb911 June 14, 2012 at 6:33 pm

"No 1%ers were harmed in the making of this debacle."
–Jim DeMento

nounverb911 June 14, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Is the $2B loss tax deductible?

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

We need to address fraud in the banking system.

AncienReggie June 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Yes. It's deductible.

noodlesalad June 14, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Why not? If it was $2B in profit it sure would be.

Callyson June 14, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Not for those of us who will ultimately pay for it.

Fairtackle June 14, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Yeah, but just try and get away with that at a Cirque du soleil show …

anniegetyerfun June 14, 2012 at 6:51 pm

What this hearing needed was more face-punching women.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Not "more face punching OF women"?

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:18 am

Half nekkid Canadians — it'll never catch on.

Negropolis June 15, 2012 at 1:12 am

Pamela Anderson libel!

nounverb911 June 14, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Dimon's going to need a Silkwood shower after getting a tongue bath from DeMinty.

OzoneTom June 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Making risky bets with taxpayer-backed money is just good business.

shortsandpants June 14, 2012 at 7:54 pm

And losing that money to bad investments poop-stain remover is good government. Especially when they give the people more poop to stain with. Here's the business model.
1. Poop stains.
2. Give money to poop-stain causes.
3. MAGICALLY CLEAN PANTS
4. Poop stains again.
5. ?????
6. PROFIT

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I see you have the Underpants Gnomes Business Model memorized.

poorgradstudent June 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

And yet they still have to hire experts to figure out why nobody likes Congress and voter turnout is always so low.

Serolf_Divad June 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

The inqury went something like this:

Random Congressman: Mr. Diamond, sir, your critics have suggested that J.P. Morgan may be engaging in the same kinds of dangerous speculative derivatives trading that led to the financial crisis of 2008. Would you care to respond.

Jamie Diamon: Blow me.

Random Congressman: [looking about nervously] What… here?

Jimmyone June 14, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Many up fists for you SD for speaking truth to power.

BlueStateLibel June 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Yeah, particularly well done, friend.

Terry June 14, 2012 at 8:02 pm

DeMint and his pals are like junior high school outcasts getting to talk to one of the popular kids, ass kissing as hard and fast as they can in the hope the popular kid will like them.

HoytClagwell June 14, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Damn, I wish I'd said that.

Negropolis June 15, 2012 at 1:13 am

ROTFLMAO!

PuckStopsHere June 14, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Jim DeMint (R-$) short version: "Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

spinozasgod June 14, 2012 at 8:33 pm

actually, it's "thank you sir, may the american people have another?"

hagajim June 14, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Can we just slip a Trojan Magnum over DeMints big dickhead so he can fucking suffocate already. He and his dickhole friends have been trying to suffocate the country for the past 4 years. Seems fair to me.

miss_grundy June 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Nah, just stick him inside an Iron Maiden, close it on him and push the mechanism that will turn him into a pin cushion. Or, you can defenestrate him. Or turn him into a human pinata. Just do something so he'll disappear off the face of the earth.

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Elizabeth Warren would be such a cool addition to the Senate Banking Committee…

Katydid June 14, 2012 at 6:57 pm

If you think even the Dems want Elizabeth Warren around, you are on meth. Nobody, except the people, want here anywhere near Washington. You watch, the Dems are not going to push for her to be elected. She threatens everyone in DC.

BerkeleyBear June 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm

That's why Obama called on her to set up the CFPB in the first place, is because Dems hate her so. You are overstating it just a tad.

sewollef June 14, 2012 at 6:59 pm

She'd be like the Alien in the extra terrestrial china shop…. chewing everyone's head off and spitting the glob on the soup tureens.

I love my mixed metaphors.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm

They'd never let her on it.

Negropolis June 15, 2012 at 1:16 am

If Harry Reid wanted to keep control of the Senate term he sure as hell better put her on it assuming she gets there to begin with.

johnnieutah June 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Why is the photo above NOT of Jaime Dimon?

sharethegrief June 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Fucking DeMinted.

Callyson June 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Dr. Demento libel!

elviouslyqueer June 14, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Preferably with a rusty, tetanus-riddled, running chainsaw set on "Excavate."

GeorgiaBurning June 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

They're right. Regulations are difficult to enforce and compliance is burdensome. Let's face-brand and chop off fingers.

Serolf_Divad June 14, 2012 at 7:07 pm

With this crowd running the show? They'd pick some 43 year-old part-time teller from the Poughkeepsie branch, who also works part-time at the Waffle House in a desperate bid to keep her daughter off the streets and see her through community college.

anniegetyerfun June 14, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Like Gretchen Carlson, I now need a shower.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Even though we're all getting taken to the cleaners?

weejee June 14, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Seattle Wonker re-post – sorry

Seattle Wonketteers, we've talked about getting together. There were several who asked for Saturday night rather than weekday. I'll check at the Latona Pub tonight about availability of their upstairs on Sat 6/30 and Sat 7/7. Please post which date would work better for you for an unofficial Seattle gathering.

AncienReggie June 14, 2012 at 6:58 pm

All of them, Katie.

Fairtackle June 14, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Either works for me.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I actually have a pool party on Saturday, July 7. The 30th should be doable. I love to come and be socially awkward with my fellow PNW Wonketters.

emmelemm June 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm

A "pool party"?? What are you, a 1%er?

I keed.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm

No, and the one throwing it isn't either, but has the great advantage of buying his first home when the market is down, and having a VA loan on top of that.

We'll see what the maintenance does to him, but I'll enjoy it when I can.

J

emmelemm June 14, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I could do either one!

(Whew – after the first couple sentences, I thought you were going to suggest this Saturday, when I couldn't go, and I was going to be massively disappoint.)

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I will drive in from Boise for either–would anyone have a couch I could surf? (Well-behaved male, 50, snore a bit, have all my shots)

SudsMcKenzie June 15, 2012 at 7:31 am

no Comet??

UW8316154 June 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Either day works for me.

Schmannnity June 14, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Jamie Dimon likes bareback banking.

Fairtackle June 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Brownbanking?

Negropolis June 15, 2012 at 1:17 am

The Senate just doesn't know how to quit him, bless their hearts.

not that Radio June 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Try not to look at this as you read it:

I could literally smell that thick, awful old rich dude cologne wafting off the hands in that photo. I think I'm going to be sick.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm

18th December 1982

Donald Rumsfeld asked Hussein and his military to be good world citizens, if only to avoid complicating conservative free market messaging. “How you managed Iraq is the business of your Ba'ath Party, your shareholders, but it does have consequences to those of us who believe in the free-market system, its value, its merit. I have the sense and I hope it’s the case that it is a responsibility you understand. [Your] behavior really matters in our ability to be an advocate for a free-market that creates jobs and economic opportunity and allows Iraqis to pursue the American dream.”

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:18 am

Lincoln couldn't have said it better. George Lincoln Rockwell, I mean.

sewollef June 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Senator, senator senator…. Jim DeMint has made yet another prick of himself, much like last November, when he was the only senator to oppose a measure aimed at hiring veterans, calling it a "trick" by the Obama administration and Democrats.

According to DeMint, he knew his decision wouldn't be popular, but still cast the lone vote against an amendment to grant employers tax breaks worth up to $9,600
for giving a veteran a job.

See, he's not only a cocksucking, sycophantic prick to Wall Street, he hates veterans too.

Chichikovovich June 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm

And he hates tax breaks to employers!

Jim DeMint wants to tax job creators more than the Democrats do!

coolhandnuke June 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

The Senate Banking Committee Hearing starring Jamie Dimon…aka Rich Criminal Narcoleptics Circle Jerking Each Other in Their American Wet Dream.

Without protections.

Katydid June 14, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Four words: Public. Financing. Of. Elections.

weejee June 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Your woofs to doG's ears.

GeneralLerong June 14, 2012 at 7:05 pm

One more word:

How?

I mean, like, before I'm dead when it happens.

Katydid June 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm

As Shakespeare (?) said, first we kill all the lawyers.

And since all lobbyists are lawyers, and many Congressfucks are laywers, we're halfway home.

GeneralLerong June 14, 2012 at 7:38 pm

How about banksters, too? I never met a banker I didn't dislike.

[I don't travel in the Legion of the Damned, where one can chat up hedge fund managers]

OldWhiteLies June 14, 2012 at 6:59 pm

What do you call a circle of psychopathic sycophants (or is it sycophantic psychopaths?) – cause circle jerk doesn't even remotely come close for this murder of crows.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 7:45 pm

You mean other than Congress?

BarackMyWorld June 14, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Jim uses DeMint to get de taste of corporate semen out of his mouth.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Jim uses corporate semen to get the taste of DeMint out of his mouth.

There- fixed it for ya.

ManchuCandidate June 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

It goes to show that GOPer senators will suck dick for gold (although a lot of Demrat senators aren't much better.)

Monsieur_Grumpe June 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Dear J P Morgan Human Resource Representative,
Please consider my attached resume as an application for any CEO position you may currently have open. As you can see from my resume I have the type of experience necessary for the position. My experience in suffocating kittens and puppies, passing lie detector tests, stealing candy from babies, multiple hit and runs, and several successful lawsuits against the Girl Scouts of America for sexual discrimination makes me well qualified to take charge of a corporation of J P Morgan's caliber. I look forward to your response in the near future.
Sincerely,
M. Grumpe.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Just doing God's work. And God made a few mistakes. (The Devil. Creating man in His own image. Fire ants. Dick Cheney.)

sullivanst June 14, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Whew. From the involvement of Jamie Dimon and Jim Demint (and can it be coincidence their names are so similar? I THINK NOT!), I thought this was going to be even worse, which would've been dangerous for me as my blood pressure is still elevated from the Rand Paul thread.

Blueb4sunrise June 14, 2012 at 7:19 pm

OT BREAKING: One Less Loser Fuckwad to deal with.

Jesse Kelly ends run for Congress
http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics

deanbooth June 14, 2012 at 9:33 pm

"In a simple news statement, Kelly said: 'I would like to thank our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…'"

Allah Akbar!

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 11:45 pm

What a douchebag. Clearly, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has better things in mind for Mr. Kelly.

Like maybe serving as speed bump somewhere.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

He has a mouth like a lamprey.

Wonderthing June 14, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Many people WANT the rich to fuck them in the ass. Maybe something will trickle down.

ManchuCandidate June 14, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Santorum!

OneYieldRegular June 14, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Perhaps it's a bit early, but in order to be well-prepared, we'll just mark this as "Exhibit A" for the revolutionary court.

randcoolcatdaddy June 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Invest in mattresses. With a Congress like this, that's where everyone's going to be putting their money in a few months.

qwerty42 June 14, 2012 at 7:41 pm

The fawning and boot licking was a bit off-putting. And these guys usually seem so full of themselves.

BlueStateLibel June 14, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Jim DeMint, making whores look like ladies of the highest integrity, way to go, you corrupt old piece of garbage.

Callyson June 14, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Whores give their cllents something of value. Wall Street bankers, not so much…

shortsandpants June 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm

DeMintard is simply implying that private vacations funded by the private sector are a lot more fun than crappy fundraisers. Who, after all, really wants to kiss the ass of every god damn grandmother ever enlisted to the ranks of his loyal stewards? If you were a Senator only making $150,000 a year and totally dependent on the popular sovereignty you need comin' at ya from all sides every six years in some shanty-town disgrace unworthy of corporate poo-poo, you would totes fly all over the fucking place like Superman not doing anything, as for the people you serve it means LESS GOVERNMENT. You see? People get LESS GUB'R'MINT and DeMint gets more "FLYING AROUND ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE FUN TIME LAND TIME WHEEEE." Makes sense, EHHH??? Politics is hard and by golly these dudez need a break. Voting DeMint out is really just doing him a gi-nor-mous favor, DUDEZ. Get on it.

Callyson June 14, 2012 at 7:54 pm

“Obviously as we’ve seen, the laws and regulations are not necessarily improving things,” DeMint agreed. “Some of the things you’ve done voluntarily — and other banks — like capital requirements. I think a best practice — if we could do anything to encourage the industry to develop a lot of its own voluntary rules, that would guide us a lot better.”

Gee, if we could get you folks to cover your asses better so that you don't embarrass us by fucking up Main Street's retirement in such an obvious way that the voters actually want us to do something to prevent it from happening again, that would be great…

Asshole.

owhatever June 14, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I'm a megabanker. Trust me. Or fuck off, one of the two.

CivicHoliday June 14, 2012 at 8:28 pm

DeMint's poor anus must be mighty sore this evening.

Exhausted66 June 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I thought the Tea Baggers hated the bank bailouts.
So confused.

SayItWithWookies June 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Well poor Jamie Dimon has to live on a $23 million salary, which is nothing when he has his reputation slandered by a bunch of poor hacks like economists and SEC investigators and such. It's as though the peasants don't understand the moral equivalence between wealth and impunity.

Glass Eyed June 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Back in the days before p-ness, when I still gave a shit about anything at all, I used to be a wonketeer. Now I just drink and listen to old Hoyt Clagwell records.

Actually, that's not true, I'm a troll. But I do have one question: How many dicks do you have to suck before you're allowed on the Senate Banking Committee? Just wondering 'cause I def need a job.

Toomush_Infer June 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Madame LaFarge just asked me -"is there a W in DeMint?"….

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I presume Madame LaFarge refers to your spouse (often also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed), since that was the monicker I graced my own former spouse with. What did you tell her? That DeMint doesn't do anal?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 14, 2012 at 8:46 pm

"Something going amiss?" Is that what its called when my house and 401k lose 1/2 of their value? I'm just "part of doing business"? DeMint and Dimon make me feel murdery, and I hardly ever feel that way. If anyone has ever needed a good skullfucking its these festering rectal polyps from hell.

Chow Yun Flat June 14, 2012 at 8:50 pm

“How you managed JPMorgan is the business of your board of directors, your shareholders

Leaving out the FDIC, since Dimon was rolling the dice with funds guaranteed by federal deposit insurance, the Fed, since Morgan has access to the discount window, the SEC since they are subject to reporting laws and regulations, etc. etc.

Plus everyone in the country when JPM has to be bailed out again.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 14, 2012 at 9:08 pm

It is as my Grandmother always taught me: you should never question money.

shortsandpants June 14, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Money always seems to be gone before you can ever get the answer, anyway.

MittBorg June 14, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Jamie Dimon = Jim DeMint — TWINS separated at BIRF?

If someone else has already posted this, I'm goin' postal.

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 12:16 am

It's a white trash thing.

lulzmonger June 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm

DeMint: "Mr. Dimon, we sincerely hope that our efforts to make the system easy as pie to game won't lead you to game the system & make our clown show look worse than it already – oh what the hell, why don't you just roger my quivering browneye right here & now, you sexy Jerb Creator! Oh yes! YES! YES! Harder, Daddy! I've been a very bad boy!"

Dimon: "The check's in the mail."

ttommyunger June 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm

I was in a whorehouse in Nevada one weekend with ten grand cash in my pocket. I had the same look on my face as Jamie did during that hearing.

Negropolis June 15, 2012 at 12:55 am

and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety…

She is so going to sue your ass for libel. lol Better put "allegedly" somewhere in there.

TribecaMike June 15, 2012 at 1:10 am

Possible TV tie-ins:

Jamie Dimon, Super Duper Filthy Rich P.I. [ABC Family]

Jamie Dimon's Down Home Homeopathic Remedies [HSN]

Jamie Dimon, Celebrity Punk Ass Chef, Ya'll [BET]

Jamie Dimon: Beyond The Closet, Starring Shannon Tweed as Jamie Dimon [Showtime]

Jamie Dimon, Smells Like Old Rank Turds On CNN [CNN]

Anne Rice's Jamie Dimon, Wall Street Stakes II [Cinemax]

Jamie Dimon, The Smarmy-Assed Guy Who Thought He Had All The Bases Covered Until He Stepped Out Of His Limo On Park Avenue & 54th Street And Got Run Over By A Coors Lite Delivery Truck (Irony!) [Bravo]

valthemus June 15, 2012 at 1:10 am

Look! It's a rich guy! A *super* rich guy! Nevermind those silly liberal wags… COME TO ME, DAHLING, AND LET ME SMOOCH YOUR SPHINCTER! *Mmmwah*

Antispandex June 15, 2012 at 10:05 am

NOW I understand how that whole Border Patrol agent / blowjob / Cirque du Soleil thing happened…. whiney Republicans, of course!

barto June 15, 2012 at 2:02 pm

DeMint to Dimon:

"Don't move. I'll go get you a towel."

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