there is nothing like a dame

Gretchen Carlson Snaps, Storms Off Fox & Friends, Due To Chronic Exposure To Brian Kilmeade (Video)

Smell the loveHahaha, WOMEN. They are everywhere, just cold waving their boobs and their sideboobs in beady-eyed Fox & Friends cohost Brian Kilmeade’s mean little face. (We are going to assume we are not the only ones who can detect a whiff of Eau de Date Rape wafting in the air around Mr. Kilmeade?) And he’s always jeering and frat-boying around and he never even sticks a dollar in the Douche Jar!

Well Gretchen Carlson, who has stuck with Fox & Friends since … whenever she started there, had enough of Kilmeade’s patented clever take on ladies and how they’re always [grumble, Trumpy-thing, snitty-thing, sneer], and today her usual inner voices that kick in when she listens to the patented boorishness of Brian Kilmeade — One night, as he lies sleeping. Icepick, right in his softened skull. She knows seven ways to kill a man. She knows just the point to drive it home — well today even such lovely silken baubles of daydreams will not soothe her, and there is nothing left to do but storm off set while “laughing” shrilly. Brian Kilmeade has broken her. She is broken. She is broke.

We wonder if Gretchen Carlson and Mika B. ever get together and bring out their ninja knives of cold-forged steel and compare them, and lovingly plot the mayhem they will do. Perhaps they will switch targets, a la Throw Momma From the Train. It is perfect. A perfect plan. Kilmeade and Joe might have broken them, but they will have their Revenge.

[ThinkProgress]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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180 comments

    1. VaWyo

      The fox mission will not be accomplished until women are back in the house, barefoot and pregnant, without the ability to vote or own property. Sharia Law will look modern by comparison.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I threw up from the comments alone. Where did these freaks learn to talk to women? Adelie penguins?

      1. mrpuma2u

        That's setting bar rather low, she would have to some serious batshit crazy AND a limbo hoochie mama to get under that .

    1. poorgradstudent

      I predict HLN, so she can become the disciple of Nancy Grace (until Nancy decides to tear her throat out for the delicious blood inside).

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, wasn't she a Rhodes Scholar and and Stanford MBA? How could she put up with the stupid, promoting the stupid, wallowing in the stupid, having the stupid rammed down her throat every working day of the week and not have snapped already?

      I know, the paycheck of a network teevee anchor is a nice soothing balm, but still.

      1. actor212

        I imagine in her dressing room there are two voodoo dolls: one male and vapidly blonde, the other low-browed with a sign "KillMe" around its neck

        Her biography shows a Cum Loudly degree in Sociology(?!) from Stanford with a semester at Oxford but no mention of a Rhodes Scholarship

        One of her nannies growing up was Miche1e Bachmann, however.

    1. sewollef

      Not possible. That skull is made of pure Armortec™ with a Kevlar™ lining surrounding the living tissue known as Fluffy White Clouds™.

      Nothing, and I mean nothing gets through that skull…!

  1. Antispandex

    "Leaving an all male crew"….Huh, something makes me think that was your plan all along, Brian.

    1. timbo71351

      Steve Doocey may be one of the dumbest motherfuckers on Earth. I'm convinced his only purpose is to generate material for Stewart and Colbert.

  2. KotBR

    Fox is going to get some angry letters about a woman standing up and walking away without being excused by her male superiors.

  3. EatsBabyDingos

    Douche. Douchebag. Douchimama. Douchemax. DoucheyDoucey. Generalissimo Douchismo Douchefranko. #douching. Douchotomy. Supercalafragalisticexpialidouchy.

    With Fox Friends like these, you will never lose that fresh feeling.

  4. edgydrifter

    Somewhere deep in the bowels of Fox News HQ, Roger Ailes just scribbled a few notes on a clipboard under the heading "Test Subject GC," chuckling softly to himself.

  5. SexySmurf

    Brian forgot to slap her ass as she left.

    "And get me a cup of coffee while you're up, doll face."

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      then, turn to your pal and say "She's a real doll. She's my doll. Get it? My Doll?"

  6. pickletickle

    His last line is priceless, "She needed a shower." She probably spritzes herself with Sarah Palin's "Indignation" perfume every morning.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    What do you call a token blonde airhead conservative woman who's finally had enough of Kilmeade and Douchy's peurile cliched casual abusiveness?

    A liberal on the rag.

  8. Left_Leftie

    Aren't the blonds on Fox news pretty much interchangeable anyway?

    She needed a shower??? I need a shower after watching that meat-head exchange. GAH!

  9. fartknocker

    Being offended by sexism while working at Fox is similar to complaining about the smell of human feces while working at a sewage treatment plant.

      1. actor212

        Brian's not gay! He just has snappy fashion sense, and impeccable interior design taste that women like Gretchen are so jealous of, the bitch!

  10. Jus_Wonderin

    OT: Does anyone feel like their avatar might have been diddled yesterday when it was missing (avatarnapped)?

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I saw your expression of regret yesterday that our favored "Behemoth" the Cat lookalike of Baldar's was replaced. Suffice imagination to replace his visually-approximative reminders?

        Alas, we make do with the avatar-viewings we have, not the ones we wish we had~

  11. owhatever

    Apology to come: We here at Fox News regret that Gretchen Carlson considered something another host said to be in an unintended way that she thought was possibly inappropriate under some circumstances. She is welcome to return to her position on the couch between the two men as soon as she fixes her eyes and hair and undergoes a strictly routine transvaginal examination.

  12. a_pink_poodle

    Now that the ladies are gone, bring on the men! We'll have them dance around some poles and rub oil on their firm, strong chests, shake their bulging pants in my face… let me touch their firm waists… *pant pant* wh… what was I talking about?

  13. Dildeaux

    Women are so erratic and emotional. They cant be trusted to think straight because of hormones and stuff.

    Dildeaux has been asked: How do you make a hormone? Dont pay her.

    Is this thing on?

  14. Chichikovovich

    She seemed generally good humoured walking out, and that was a pretty mild remark compared to the stuff that typically comes out of Kilmeade's mouth. (Remember when he said that the welfare state can work in Scandinavia because they have a homogeneous population, unlike the US? Can't remember the exact words, but it was evidently code for "no blacks or hispanics" — he even had to apologize for that one.) I wouldn't be surprised if it was scripted.

    Edit: Rather than 'apologize' I should have written "give what passes as an 'apology' in Fox/Republican circles."

    1. NYNYNYjr

      I don't remember when Kilmeade said that, or how he phrased it, but he is right, the smaller and more homogeneous the state, the more likely social welfare/help everyone type laws will work. Why don't we have (e.g.) universal healthcare here? Because in their (our) hearts the white people think "I'm not paying for all those black people." Stuff like that will only work here in the degree that we really in our hearts become less racist.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Canada has two distinct cultures with distinct languages, significant regional differences, large immigrant population…. And it does universal health care just fine, despite this heterogeneity. New Zealand has a large Maori population and does universal health care just fine. Switzerland has four official languages, with distinct cultures for each. They do universal health care just fine. The “heterogeneity” excuse is just a right-wing dodge aimed at preserving their preconceived beliefs against the obvious fact that flourishing social democracies exist and some are doing better than the US.—

        1. NYNYNYjr

          I think size has something to do with it too… those countries have 1/10, 1/100 and 1/50 the size populations respectively of U.S. (Also, I mean, the Swiss, yes, some speak different languages, but it's been the Cantons vs. the world for a long time). We are a very homogeneous and racist country….course England is too, but they have healthcare.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    What kind of fucking name is "Gretchen," anyway? Did her parents name her sisters "Bertha" and "Mabel"? Too much old-school.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      HEY!! My grandmama was a "Mabel."

      She loathed us calling her Grandmama too, but that's what stuck; no "Nana" or "MeeMaw" ever caught with her. This was prior to when such lengthy formal/actual monikers for your forebears would become superceded by endearing "G.G." and "C.C." grandparently-euphemistic substitute nicknames.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        My great grandma was a Bertha. But she has an excuse, she was born in Eighteen Eighty fucking Five.

      2. anniegetyerfun

        Yeah, we have Mabel, Blanche, Gertrude, Hazel, and more. I like all those names.

        1. TribecaMike

          We had an Aunt Mae. Time to bring Mae back. The name I mean; auntie was a real harridan.

  16. SexySmurf

    Working at Fox & Friends is too demeaning; Gretchen is going to see if she can get her old job back at Hooters.

  17. widestanceromance

    How long until she formally apologizes for leaving the room without first asking the men if she could?

    I love the smell of staged female hysteria in the morning.

    1. Designer_Radio

      Which begs another question; Why is Gretch even on the teevee in the first place? Biblically speaking of course, women are to be seen and not heard. I may have to find a more Christian news outlet, like that nice young Brian Fischer I've heard so much about.

  18. Chet Kincaid

    After all the youtube clips of Gretchen gleefully doing FOX's dirty work on hundreds of liberal targets, I have no crocodile tears for the bitch's predicament.

    1. widestanceromance

      Here, here. Unless she really did finally get that clue in the mail and is ready to defect the deathstar, I'm not buying this ploy.

  19. widestanceromance

    Maybe she had to make a run to the menstrual hut before they discovered her 'uncleanth'?

  20. BarackMyWorld

    Gretchen can't believe she graduated with honors with Stanford for this shit…and neither can anyone else.

  21. JustPixelz

    "She needed a shower."

    He may as well have added, "Because her ass is to big" on national teevee.

    Fox usually doesn't cover the War on Women®. but this time reported and we decided.

    Funny, the camera usually adds 10 IQ points.

  22. ratcityrebel

    During a discussion of "ladycaves" (meaning here a room for women to have some privacy and do their own thing in, not the other kind of ladycave) Kilmeade turned to Carlson and asked "Didn't men give you the kitchen?" She showed tremendous restraint by not punching his balls into his abdomen.

  23. anniegetyerfun

    Brian Kilmeade remarked, “Women are everywhere. We’re letting them play golf and tennis now. It’s out of control.”

    Tennis being such a new sport to women.

    1. LagunaB

      And there is a 1000% increase in women owning companies, more women go to college and graduate, more women go on to get masters and Phd's, etc, etc. We own our own homes and have children and well paying careers. So yeah guys – suck it losers. (Present males excluded).

    1. glamourdammerung

      I am getting so tired of obnoxious children thinking that acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum is somehow a valid political philosophy.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I have been here, but I seriously couldn't look at the goats being maimed all day! But thanks!

    2. Generation[redacted]

      "The state court of appeals ruled that honking isn't a protected form of speech, and now the case is before the state Supreme Court."

      That's easy to fix. Just replace the horn that goes "beep" with one that says, "Hey Asshole!" Ta-da! Speech!

      Also, Mittens is going to pull his bus up alongside Obama's speech, blast some rap music and use his new hydraulics to bounce the front tires off the ground.

    3. GeneralLerong

      Y'know, a Leatherman tool makes a pretty good tire slasher.

      Never leave home without mine. And my gray hoodie.

  24. Jimmyone

    o/t…..There are those little moments in life that are sooo satisfying, yet leave ya with a little doubt left over……Like MSNBC is covering Mittens speech right now…..so I hit the mute button…satisfying my urge to silence the lies…yet not so satisfying as punching him in the face.

  25. TribecaMike

    At the start of the video, is Steve Douchey interviewing the head of Scientology's Sea Org?

  26. BornInATrailer

    Look, the 3 people I am not supposed to wish get raped to death by a pack of syphilitic Shetland ponies.

    So it's a good thing I didn't wish that.

  27. glasspusher

    Ah…Gretchen was teh hotness (with Denise) at CBS in NYC back in the day…moving to fox killed that for me like finding out Janine Turner is batshit. Maybe Gretchen is coming back to the light? All is forgiven!

  28. ttommyunger

    So, if Gretchen doesn't come back, so what? They still have the other blond cunt and the little beady-eyed one, right?

      1. ttommyunger

        More wall-eyed, I would say. Almost blew eyed; you know, one blew east, the other blew west.

  29. elburritodeluxe

    She's probably burning her bra back in her dressing room with the other Women's Libbers! Am I right, guys? Have I self-consciously mined enough dated 70s references, guys?

    1. MittBorg

      "with the other Women's LibbersFeminazis!"

      Yeah, I know it's not exactly '70s material but you know Kill-me and Douchey think that.

  30. elburritodeluxe

    That's funny, she's usually fine with Fox & Friends' thinly-veiled attacks on gays, blacks and Islam… What's different here?

  31. valthemus

    "We are going to assume we are not the only ones who can detect a whiff of Eau de Date Rape wafting in the air around Mr. Kilmeade?"

    And here I thought I was the only one. Wonkette is the coolest.

    (Double thanks to Wonkette for watching Fox so the rest of us don't have to.)

  32. TribecaMike

    I can't believe the crude sexism on this thread. She obviously had to rush out and get a boob job. Am I right, right wing ladies?

  33. denverite

    Great timing. I hear Today show's looking for a perky host to replace low-ratings Ann Curry.

Comments are closed.