Sort of like an ambulanceIn a socialist nanny-state pussified strike at the heart of what it means to be an American man, a Texas jury has found Raul Rodriguez guilty of murder just because he went over to his neighbor’s house and stood his neighbor’s ground, killing said neighbor while simultaneously videotaping himself telling police dispatchers he was afraid for his life even though the neighbor was 20 feet away and had his hands up. It was obviously a clear “Stand Your Ground” winner, since Rodriguez was shouting “I’m standing my ground here!” before shooting his neighbor and his neighbor’s friends. HE RESTS HIS CASE! This, obviously, is all part of the Obama Administration’s plan to take away your guns and not let you march over to your neighbor’s house and kill him. ERIC HOLDER MUST RESIGN! [Yahoo, via Wonkette operative “Steverino247”]

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  • Barb

    Thank you, jury! I love the smell of justice in the morning.
    Thank you, Steverino for the update.

    • Steverino247

      *cough* Semper vigilans! *sneeze* You're welcome! *goes back to bed*

  • FNMA

    Brown person. D'uh.

    • ph7

      Shoot the brown: NOT GUILTY
      Shot by the brown: GUILTY

      Lady Justice may be blind, but she can still hear caucasian dialect.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Yeah, that was my question: What color is the victim?

  • comrad_darkness

    Cross this line, you die!
    No, cross THIS line, you die!
    Never mind, I'll just come over there and kill you.

  • bureaucrap

    "You're invading my space — My property plus a 10-mile radius "cordon sanitaire". Get the hell off before I shoot ya!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "he was afraid for his life even though the neighbor was 20 feet away and had his hands up."

    Raul just has a very low fear threshold. Hell, he actually shit his pants when he found a spider in his bathtub.

  • ChernobylSoup

    If the victim had no Skittle there can be no acquittal.

  • Not_So_Much

    Thank. Fucking. God.

    I mean, I get that he was using NRA-approved language and all. But blowing away the noisy teacher totally put a damper on the 5 year-old's birthday party.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Justice was clearly not served here. The neighbor's stereo went to 11. That's a lot of dB's.

    • scvirginia

      Man, I love the dB's. Are they back together? 11 of 'em? That doesn't sound right…

      • chicken_thief

        Eleven?! What are they – a Sly and the Family Stone tribute band?

    • not that Radio

      It was hard to discern from the video, but the song in question was either Cyndi Lauper or Lady Antebellum, either of which commands the death penalty.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Tell me about it. I'd guess they're pushing at LEAST 85db. Because I'm an accomplished acoustician/gunslinger.

  • flamingpdog

    I'm sure his prison mates will love his stand-up comedy routine.

  • freakishlywrong

    He should have put his neighbor's teevee in his cold, dead hands. That's what they used to do.

  • HalluxValgus

    "Rodriguez." Case closed. The jury obviously looked at their paint samples and determined that he was too brown for Stand Your Ground to apply

  • OK, that's "Raul" and Zimmerman Brown, but let's see what happens when an A-1, 100% White Guy gets hauled up on Stand Your Ground charges.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Equally as important: Zimmerman murdered a black kid. This guy murdered a white guy. Also, neither Zimmerman nor Rodriguez "look" what people think of as "hispanic" but one sure sounds like it.

      Rodriguez is a crackpot and should be locked up, but so should Zimmerman and probably a lot of other "stand your ground" defendants

  • elviouslyqueer

    Okay, first we have a Baptist minister preaching that he doesn't have a problem with same-sex marriage. Then we have commenters on the Yahoo board being all nice and civil and in total agreement about this decision.

    I has a confuse. Did I wake up in the wrong universe today or something?

    • MosesInvests

      I noticed that about the comments, too. Wow.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "wrong universe today or something?"

      EQ, did you wake with a new goatee?

      • elviouslyqueer

        *looks in mirror*

        HOLY SHIT. And a damn sight more satin, also.

    • Steverino247

      I've got a bad cold, so everybody else can have a great day.

      • emmelemm

        Nyquil shots! I recommend Nyquil shots.

    • Go look outside, if there are zeppelins flying overhead then, yes, you somehow got over in the other universe. Go find Walternet; he will tell you how to get back.

    • Redgyal

      Right universe. The victim wasn't wearing a hoodie so no anger.

  • CrunchyKnee

    As everyone else has already said: "colored folk aint people in Texass." Nothing else to say here.

  • Raul Rodriguez killed Kelly Danaher.

    With those names it is surprising it even went to trial in Texas. Don't they still have summary execution for Mexicano thugs who shoot white peoples?

    • Show trials provide jobs for lawyers and help boost the state's employment figures.

  • comrad_darkness

    Hm, shall I get some earplugs or my gun and video camera? In Texas the decisions are bigger and apparently impossible to make.

    Added: I have to feel for the dispatchers in Texas where the caller is just as much a danger to the world as the complaint they are calling in. What confusion that must be to sort out on the fly.

  • Judicial Activism!!!! It's quite obvious he stood his ground while also moving in a foward motion. He just kept standing new ground.

    Stooopid libs!!

    • ph7

      Do you realize?

      Standing your ground is just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Zimmerman's paradox?

  • Eve8Apples

    Raul Rodriguez's ground is in Mexico. He has no business standing on 'Merikan ground.

    • DahBoner

      Is Taco Bell considered Mexican terratory?

      • Eve8Apples

        Yes, just like Yum Food's other brands. Pizza Huts are Italian villas and KFCs are Kentucky colonies.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    This reminds me of the Millers; the retired couple to my West. When the pool went in the gas man needed access to the 15 feet of my yard adjacent to their yard. He entered their gate (that abuts my house) and was met with Neal and a gun.

    Oldz get kinda touchy sometimes.

    Adjacent / Abuts!!!

  • ttommyunger

    I see a needle in this turd's future.

    • comrad_darkness

      I see a governor of dipshits pardon.

      • ttommyunger

        Dunno, he's sort of brown….

    • MosesInvests

      Sentenced to life in prison. You only get the death penalty if you're mentally incompetent or if you're railroaded on a false accusation of arson.

      • ttommyunger

        I think this is Texas, where the motto is: “Kill'm All, Let God Sort 'em Out”.

        • tessiee

          "No jury would convict a baby… except in Texas" — Chief Wiggum

  • edgydrifter

    Rodriguez was obviously holding his "who you're allowed to legally kill on flimsy pretext" chart upside-down.

  • Prosecutors are going to have to go to NBA officiating school, so they can tell the difference between a charge and a block. If Raul had both feet planted and wasn't moving, he gets to take two shots!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But if the teacher wasn't going for the camera Raul was carrying, it's a Flagrant 1 and Raul gets two shots and gets to keep possession of his gun.

    • Steverino247

      And if you throw elbows, nobody sees it.

  • I love the smell of lethal injection frying wingnut in the morning.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I never thought Paul Rodriquez was very funny anyway. Oh, Raul? Never mind.

    • chicken_thief

      Raul was great in the Addams Family!

    • emmelemm

      I miss Cat-Shark.

  • No snark. The videotaping-of-staged-vigilantism was so weird and on a gut level, sad.
    I didn't get around to viewing any of the footage yet that came available on (non-work-blocked) the interwebz — but Raul, after a career of firefighting you are forfeiting more than your better angels when you resort to homicidal urges; you've dumped on the integrity of your legacy of service, and I wish you'd gotten the help you needed in time before some kind of laudable potential in you went to waste.

    • MosesInvests

      Also, too, the two guys who were wounded were *firefighters*. Irony, much?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Unfortunately this won't stop anyone else from doing what Raul Rodriguez did — Texas is famous for not being oppressed by history or acquired knowledge.

    • Steverino247

      You can say that again–to my younger son's ex-wife.

  • SexySmurf

    They could use this as a plot point on the new Dallas; that prick J.R. is just asking to get shot again (and by "asking" I mean "standing 20 feet away with his hands up").

  • Goonemeritus

    Legal advice handed out in NRA sanctioned self protection classes even when vigilantly followed and documented by video doesn’t let you get away with murder. Well I guess it’s time to accept I’m living in a soviet style dystopia.

    • real_dc_native

      Funny coincidence. I returned from Canada over the weekend. After landing at JFK I thought, "We are becoming the Soviet Union. Different ideology but same results".

    • tessiee

      *shakes head*
      Hell in a handbasket, I tells ya.

  • prommie

    Does this defense work for neck-stomping Paultards? Can they claim they were "standing their neck?"

  • Serolf_Divad

    NEWSFLASH: Texas jury convicts hispanic guy of murdering white guy, refuses to consider "stand you ground" defense.

    Now, if you really want to impress me, Texas, show me a jury that rejects a "stand your ground" defense when a white guy kills a black guy under similar circumstances.

    • chicken_thief

      In Texas, "your ground" includes the highways and byways around Jasper. If'n yer white.

      • tessiee

        I'm guessing that in Texas, "your ground" means that you're white.

    • Ryy

      I gonna go out on a limb and assume Texas doesn't want to impress you, but it would like to let white guys use their guns freely…. just guessing

  • mwittier

    The solution is simple: bring your neighbors a piece of the birthday cake, and this sort of thing is averted. Nothing says harmony like a smear of blue lard-roses, on a paper plate.

    No cake = get shot. ALWAYS.

    • tessiee

      "No cake = get shot. ALWAYS."

      If you have no cake, your life is at stake.
      Works for me.

  • Sorry Raul, but according to our Sherwin Williams color chart here, you lose.

  • Frankly, "Stand Your Ground" is for pussies. I want to live in a state with a "Walk Around and Just Shoot Anyone Who Looks at You Crosseyed right in the Fucking Face" law.

    • randcoolcatdaddy

      That's probably on its way in Florida in the next legislative session.

    • glamourdammerung

      Contact ALEC so we can get that done in "red states".

    • Eve8Apples

      You can get some great foreclosure deals in Arizona. I'm sure some real estate company is offering a free gun with every condo purchase.

    • tessiee

      "I want to live in a state with a "Walk Around and Just Shoot Anyone Who Looks at You Crosseyed right in the Fucking Face" law."

      And then I want to get Scott Walker to visit.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but I can't wait to comment here later about the Fox and Friends dustup. Woohoo!

    • Yes! I will hold fire until this makes it through the tipline.

      • you just want to be called out for your comment genius again.

        i know.

    • chicken_thief

      Gretchen, show us yer tits and make me a fucking sammich.

  • chascates

    Bugs Bunny knew how to challenge people to cross a line:

  • There was an important precedent on the line here. If "Raul" had gotten off, what's to stop the Illegals from stepping over the border, standing "their" ground and shooting law-abiding Militiamen?!

  • Guppy

    Yeeaaah… the situation is too fucked up for such a short trial and jury deliberation. I'm kinda doubting this is over yet.

  • Ryy

    Best comment from the previous post on this "Get off YOUR lawn!"

    Anyhoo, love this jury. Smart enough to not only see through his stupid video tape stunt, but to determine that the video actually proved is pre-meditation! Swoon

  • Steverino247

    Important safety tip: If you're going to have a loud party where alcohol is served, INVITE YOUR FUCKING NEIGHBORS.

  • niblick77

    uckfay this, I am moving out of Texas and moving to Florida where having a gun in your hand really means you are safe to shoot who you want, when you want!

  • tejanojim

    Whatever, y'all. Texas = now demonstrably less crazy than Florida. Yee haw!

  • owhatever

    The ground he will now stand measures about six by eight feet and is shared with a steroided weightlifter name by the name of Adolf. Mister Rodriguez has officially changed his name to "Bitch."

  • keinsignal

    Watching the video, I had little doubt he'd be convicted. You can't watch that thing, hearing a guy freaking out and practically weeping "I'm afraid for my life!" after walking over to his neighbors' house with a drawn pistol, and not think to yourself "I think I would prefer that this dude *not* be walking around free to mingle with society, if at all possible". Thanks to the jury for showing at least a sliver of sanity here (I don't doubt the fact the corpse had white skin helped nudge them in that direction, though…).
    Anyway, never mind all that, here's what came up on shuffle play while I was reading this article – seemed like good advice for the next guy tempted to stand his neighbor's ground:

  • HippieEsq

    I'm sorry to have to say it, but there are not nearly enough stand-your-ground-in-the-jailhouse-shower jokes being made here. Raul, I fear for your anal virginity…


    I live in Texas. Yesterday, my 10 yo boy went to a "Jesus Campus", invited by a friend. During a "meeting" a quasi-priest realized that my boy knew nothing about Jeeeesusss, so he told him: "if don't believe in Jesus you'll go to hell!!!!!", among other things.
    End of story: my boy came back home crying and with panic attacks, after being bullied by "Jeesssssuusss Freaks".
    What should I do? I wanna get out from here.

    • JustPixelz

      In my imagination, when Xtians die they go to Heaven where everyone lives by Jesus' teachings. They'll think they're in Hell.

      “Skeet? Why he's off in Arabia to liberate Kuwait and kick Saddam's ass.”

      “Arabia? All that sand, heat and oil. It's just like Texas. How awful!”

    • MosesInvests

      You're in the wrong part of Texas (i.e., anywhere outside Travis County). Damn, I'm sorry that happened to your boy.

  • tessiee

    "What Is Texas Even Coming To When You Cannot Stand Your Neighbor’s Ground?"

    Well, that doesn't seem very…

    "Raul Rodriguez"

    Mystery solved.

  • i don't like this story very much.

    or anyone involved, dead or alive.

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