Wonkette Job Ads: Help Charles Krauthammer Pen His Pulitzer-Winning Screeds!

  not afraid to be servicey

You're hired!Wonkette, as everyone knows, is read exclusively by sozzled homelesses and retirees. But your long national nightmare might be over, hobos! Charles Krauthammer needs a researcher, and if you send him a missive filled with stern-sounding nonsense, maybe that researcher will be you!!

Who wouldn’t want to go to work each morning for a man who thinks “the balance between liberty and equality [is] the central issue for any democracy” and who can find post-feminist pussification in (of all things) The Berenstain Bears?

It is not just the smugness and complacency of the stories that is so irritating. That is a common affliction of children’s literature. The raging offense of the Berenstains is the post-feminist Papa Bear, the Alan Alda of grizzlies, a wimp so passive and fumbling he makes Dagwood Bumstead look like Batman.

Hohoho, Charles Krauthammer! You are a dick!

Here, we have made you a cover letter. Please copy and paste it and send it along, with your CV, to job@charleskrauthammer.com.

 
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Dear Sir or Madam:

I am intrigued by your help-wanted ad. Please tell me what it pays and if I will be excpeted to work in an office daily or if I may work from home, as I currently do not have an automobile due to the illegal and extrajudicial actions of the jackbooted thugs of the state police, who illegally seized said automobile, which property I was deprived of extrajudicially when through no fault of my own and as an act of kindness I tried to aid a young lady who was standing in the rain and it was cold out but she was an undercover “vice” officer. Our police state, as evinced through Barack Hussein Obama’s extrajudicial drone strikes and cyber attacks on the sovereign nation of Iran, has run amok, on said automobile and my personal liberty and pursuit of property, the affront to which is only to be expected in this day and age of extrajudicial executive power unchecked by either the judiciary or judges.

I am excellent at researching, madam or sir, in addition to other sterling qualities all my former employers can apprise you of, such as independent thinking and a pioneering spirit. This has led in the past to some friction with some employers, as there are those who are too rigid and insistent on a certain way of doing things (always their way, funnily enough! I am confident you will not be taken aback by my humor!) but I am confident that all will be well between us, as I can surmise from the tone of your help-wanted ad that you too are an independent thinker who does not just state the expected.

Attached please find my latest research project, as a sample of what I can bring to your esteemed table. It details the inner workings behind Fast and Furious, and how the Bush Administration’s series of gun stings was due to an extrajudicial plot by Eric Holder and Barack Hussein Obama to give Mexican drug lords our guns so they could kill federal agents which would lead the American sheeple to yammer for gun control; I sold this particular piece of research to the excellent fellows at the Daily Caller.

Yours in America,
[Your name]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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98 comments

  1. Barb

    " …..a wimp so passive and fumbling he makes Dagwood Bumstead look like Batman."

    Yeah, he is more "Lois than Clark" isn't he?

    I hope his e-mail spam filter isn't shredding incoming mail that has the header "You are a scum-sucking dickweed" or he might not see my love letter.

    1. RedneckMuslin

      Dagwood always confused me. Blondie was such a hottie and what could she see in that pussy? Only one thing it could be. Dagwood was as big as one of his sandwiches!

    2. GhostBuggy

      I also like that Batman, a "confirmed bachelor" that pals around with a young boy he makes wear pixie boots and has an obvious latex fetish, is the peak of manhood for ol' Chuck.

  2. EatsBabyDingos

    With Chuckles, I can never decide whether I want to hit him over the head with a bag of sauerkraut or a bag of hammers.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      Good name for a German band, Der Kraut Hammers.

      My favorite real band name from here is Die Toten Hosen. Literally, the Dead Pants. That's what women say in Germany after a boring date.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Comment of the Day, in my eyes. Just such an awesome visual, could be made more awesome if you are a very short, fat person.

  3. thatsitfortheother1

    This is the guy who said Europeans don't give a shit about America, a month after 911.

    The day after 911, the main two gates at Ramstein AB in Germany had literally thousands of bouquets leaned up against them. From Europeans who really did not have to give a shit, but did.

      1. GhostBuggy

        And then there are the guards at Buckingham Palace playing our national anthem while Europeans watched and wept. What an asshole.

        Of course, had the situation been reversed and the Marine Corps band stood in front of the White House and played God Save the Queen, people like him would be furious.

  4. metamarcisf

    I'd like to help but this guy has put his foot in his mouth one too many times for my liking.

  5. Goonemeritus

    “Dear Sir or Madam”

    Like Charles Krauthammer would put a skirt in a decision making position.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    Meh. Too wordy. May I offer instead the following:

    Dear Chuck:

    I hear you need a research assistant. I writes good. I can also make you sound like a credible, non-cretinous, sensible human being instead of the toadying, obsequious motherfucking hack you are currently.

    On second thought, you couldn't afford me. And I'd rather douche with Drano than come anywhere near your odious, reptilian presence. Good luck in hell, you asshole. And thanks for your consideration.

    Regards,

    Elviouslyqueer

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Hey, I'm a firm believer in "less is more." Unless, of course, we're talking about alcohol or buttsecks.

    1. GhostBuggy

      "I can also make you sound like a credible, non-cretinous, sensible human being instead of the toadying, obsequious motherfucking hack you are currently."

      Impossible.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "I currently do not have an automobile due to the illegal and extrajudicial actions of the jackbooted thugs of the state police, who illegally seized said automobile, which property I was deprived of extrajudicially when through no fault of my own "

    "I'm a repo man."
    "What's that?"
    "It's a repossesser. I take back cars from dildos who don't pay their bills. Cool huh?"
    "No."

    1. Mumbletypeg

      There's a new truTV show whose banner ad I caught a glimpse of right here at teh wonkettes. Seems to be about an inbred repo family, "Lizard Hick."

        1. Mumbletypeg

          I liked mine better! >:-P

          <snark off> I actually took time to watch the promo trailer, something I don't usually do. It must appeal to my deep South roots or something b/c I feel it could be watchable, by me. Like the other TruTV hit "Wieners Circle;" whereas reality shows trapping strangers in houses or on islands set my teeth on edge, the random-seeming doings of semi-unscripted goofballs in their own element seems to work for me.

  8. ChernobylSoup

    "Sir, I still can't find any reference to Bush Derangement Syndrome in the American Psychiatric Journal. Are you sure that's not just some dumb fuck thing made up by a retard newspaper hack?"

    1. glamourdammerung

      Using the term "retard" is considered offensive. They prefer "teabagger" or "conservative" since they are still trying to hope everyone forgets they are Republicans.

  9. DocChaos

    Since when have conservatives bothered with research. Or does Krauthammer just need assistance in pulling things out of his butt?

  10. SoBeach

    Hire me. I just got back from a research job in Hawaii for Donald Trump. You won't believe what I found!

  11. timbo71351

    If part of the job involves dumping him out of the wheelchair and kicking the dogshit out of him, sign me up!

  12. proudgrampa

    Dear Mr. Krauthammer –

    Do your own fucking research. You're just gonna spin it your way, anyway.

    Have a nice day,

    proudgrampa

  13. arihaya

    Someone should give Sauerkraut Hammer a camping trip ticket to Australia. I heard the dingos there are hungy.

  14. BornInATrailer

    Oh yeah? At least Papa Bear has functioning junk and can perform as a man, much to Mrs. Berenstain's pleasure.

    Bear 1 – Chuck 0

  15. UnholyMoses

    I'd love to have that job, but only if allows me to push him around in his wheelchair.

    Like, ya know, pushing him into around oncoming traffic.*

    (* Not be construed as a threat of physical violence.)

  16. fawkedifiknow

    Proposed letter needs more offers to blow Bibi Netanyatu three times a day, during Seder.

  17. Chet Kincaid

    He's actually trolling for super-powered young conservatives to join the First Class of his right wing hero squad, the Kraut-Men. Though wheelchair bound, he channels Reagan telepathically!!

  18. actor212

    I am excellent at researching, madam or sir

    Editrix, at our wedding, when the videographer asks when I fell in love with you…this is "when"…

  19. Tundra Grifter

    Reminds me of Gary Trudeau's "Quoteboy" for George Wills.

    A position remarkably similar to Mel Brook's Pissboy for the King of France.

    It's that yin-yang circle of life thingy.

  20. JustPixelz

    How is it that Krauthammer went through enough Berenstain Bears to take note of "the post-feminist Papa Bear"? A man too much time on his hands, I'd say.

    But speaking of children's literature, I wonder what he made of Dubya Bush's "Decision Points". The memoir of a President so hapless, he imagines all his decisions were above average. But who instead unintentionally taught us the lesson of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

    Or maybe he'd like to read through Ronald Reagan's letters. A man stuck in a childlike emotional state, calling his wife "Mommy" and imagining giving weapons to Iran would make them our BFF.

  21. plinkleton

    Oh man ! What creepy rethuglican could be more Total Goth than TEH Krauthammer? I bet you'd like to smell his Outerwear ! (bat feces dood)! he does not look at all like horrible Reginald Van Dough from Ritchie Rich

    1. glamourdammerung

      Of course he does. I doubt Fox has any more wheelchair ramps than they are legally required to by "big government".

  22. ttommyunger

    Charles is a stand-up guy, he runs from nothing, he's fast on his feet and always ready to spring into action. You should walk a mile in his shoes before criticizing him, also, too.

  23. qwerty42

    So, any way to work in his speech writing for Mondale or has he gone over to the dark side completely? After ~30 years, I suppose so.

  24. fawkedifiknow

    Krauthammer wants to know if the guy who signs his paycheck is going to jail and he's to much a pussy to ask someone himself.

  25. Chow Yun Flat

    Here is a guy who types (has typed for him) the first thousand words that occur to him and sends it to his syndicate for publication. Why would he need research?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Someone has to go through the funny pages to find just the right metaphor to describe a cartoon character.

  26. DahBoner

    Dear Count Chocula,

    Did you kill Booberry and eat him?

    Sincerely,

    Breakfast Cereal CSI Cold Case Investigation Team

  27. Allmighty_Manos

    "Kill it," "blow it up," "let's start a war now," "Obama's a pussy for not starting more wars."

    Do I get the job?

  28. scvirginia

    Anyone else misread (well, automatically correct?) the headline to "PENIS PULITZER-WINNING SCREEDS"? Or just demonstrating my flair for the obvious, here, per usual?

  29. mavenmaven

    Wow, its 80s day at wonkette. "take a chill pill", "alan alda", what's next, "real men eat quiche"? Can we assume these columns are aimed at a particular demographic?

  30. glamourdammerung

    Krauthammer whining about smugness makes about as much sense as someone assuming a guy that is crippled because of his own questionable judgement is worth taking advice from.

  31. owhatever

    Blondie actually loved it when Dagwood dressed up like Batman so she could dress up like Catwoman and they had wild, passionate sex. Krauthammer wouldn't know about that.

  32. larrykat

    "Hohoho, Charles Krauthammer! You are a dick!"

    Those two sentences have solidified my liquid and nascent opinion that the new editrix is pretty funny. In fact, they might be the best two sentences ever strung together.

    Call me Ishmael.
    It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
    He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the gulf stream…
    Hohoho Charles Krauthammer! You are a dick!

  33. fuflans

    this is the most excellent cover letter. it is really too bad i have an actual job (that i really actually like) b/c i could use this on the blog wherein i detailed the horrors of job searching over 35.

    perhaps i will use it anyway and troll some of those obnoxious job postings that flourish in our employer dictated economy.

  34. Schmegeg

    P.S. My face was mauled by bears after being dragged under an 18 wheeled Mack Truck. We could be brothers!

  35. TribecaMike

    Not to brag, but just yesterday I pushed some street urchins in front of a freight train, poisoned the water supply of an assisted living home, threw acid in the faces of several hundred Afghani school children, blew up numerous orphanages, and still slept more soundly than Charles Krauthammer ever has.

  36. M. Bouffant

    read exclusively by sozzled homelesses and retirees
    Hey! I was homeless, but now I'm retired! (My sozzledness is none of your beeswax.) Does this mean I can't read here any more?

Comments are closed.