DECLARATION OF FABULOUS!  9:45 am June 14, 2012

Your Morning Nice-Time Gospel: Sing Out Brothers And Sisters, Testify, Amen

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sing it!Senior Pastor Frederick Haynes III, of the Friendship West Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, do you maybe have some thoughts on President Barack Gaybama’s personal statement of support for homosexual marriage from a week or seven back? Would you perhaps care to TESTIFY? And would you, Wonket brothers and sisters, actually like to start your morning in a nice way instead of on your usual breakfast of bile and rage?

Here, fellows, have some fellowship. We will return to our coverage of the usual horrors shortly.

[Youtube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 122 comments }

freakishlywrong June 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

I watched 43 seconds of that and am now born again and speaking in tongues. Good Gawd y'all!

larrykat June 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

Damn I started handling snakes at about 48 seconds.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

"We often major in what Jesus minored in"
Jesus didn't go to college. He got hung up on his boards.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

The SATs crucified him

JustPixelz June 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

He nailed the verbal test, but the math test nailed him.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

He failed the essay too. His metaphors were all tortured. The whole "water into wine" and "raising the dead," it's been done to death.

JustPixelz June 14, 2012 at 10:16 am

32. A man has 3 wives and 1 concubine. He wants to marry the concubine but 1 of the wives object. How many stones does he need to kill the wife?
A. 3
B. 1, but it may be reused
C. none, the concubine must do the stoning
D. 2, 'cause a real man always has two giant stones … badda bing

freakishlywrong June 14, 2012 at 10:05 am

It was a miracle he made it through high school.

chascates June 14, 2012 at 10:14 am

The days before carpentry unions.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:18 am

He wasn't much of a joiner.

bobbert June 14, 2012 at 10:42 am

Dang, Barb, what kinda coffee do you drink. I need some.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 10:46 am

Morning Bobbert! I'm drinking 7-Up and eating Mini Wheats. It's the fiber that does it, trust me. None of that cheap cereal-in-a-bag that the GOP wants me to eat. Fiber is the key to life.

Chet Kincaid June 14, 2012 at 10:49 am

Christ, you're good!!

Barb June 14, 2012 at 11:02 am

Thanks Chet and good morning!

Jus_Wonderin June 14, 2012 at 11:08 am

Who would have the nerve to post after this gem topped the list?????? Good work Barb. You deserve a Wonkette paycheck.

Barb June 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

Thanks Jus_.

Nopantsmcgee June 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Turn off the internet. No one can beat what Barb wrote.

ChernobylSoup June 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

I don't remember Jefferson placing a period after every word in the Declaration of Independence.

Otherwise… Amen.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 9:52 am

TESTIFY, MY BROTHA!

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

When did Dwyane Johnson get a congregation, anyway?

JustPixelz June 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

Upon this Rock, they built a church.

widestanceromance June 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Upon this Rock, I shall kneel and witness The Power!

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:12 am

You laugh, but in my nabe, about ten years ago a gym called "The Rock" opened. They have a rock climbing wall, so it fit, but every time I went there, I had to do the whole "FINALLY!…." bit

Oh. Downstairs from the gym was a storefront church (which is why I went the long way with this story) which was named….you guessed it! The Rock!

vulpes82 June 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Did the church serve strudel and pie after Mass on Sundays?

justkillmenow June 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

That man's tailor deserves a big old tip. That suit is staying with him in an impressive way through all of his movements. Amazing.

Plus, serious goosebumps.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

It's like he channeled David Byrne in Stop Making Sense.

BaldarTFlagass June 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

Same as it ever was.

anniegetyerfun June 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

You know what was boring? The Catholic Church that I grew up in. Oh, sure, the incense and beatings were nice, but it would have been more fun if we had had cheering.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

This is what they call "old timey chutch"

freakishlywrong June 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

And the rapiness, annie, can't forget the rapiness.

anniegetyerfun June 14, 2012 at 10:18 am

Well, they never were as interested in us ladies.

Pragmatist2 June 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

You might have a different view if you spent mor quality time with Father Joe

chascates June 14, 2012 at 10:16 am

I first visited a Catholic Church with grade schools friends after they started using Engish instead of Latin in the mass. It really lost something once you could understand what was being said.

anniegetyerfun June 14, 2012 at 10:21 am

We had Father Dorian. Irish Catholic, mean as anything, forced all of the teachers at the Catholic school to tithe 10% of their meager salaries to the Church. If he got mad at you about something, he'd grab you by the arm and shake you. When he returned to Ireland, everyone was visibly relieved. Never could understand anything he said, anyway.

Guppy June 14, 2012 at 10:19 am

What was there to cheer, though? Another successful ceremony without an altar boy accidentally setting himself on fire? The announcement of the day's allotment of free wine?

larrykat June 14, 2012 at 10:48 am

When I had to go up to the church every morning for mass in Catholic school, spending all that time studying the altar and the stained glass and all the statues, I used to daydream that there would be an earthquake and imagine what things would come crashing down where and if I was safe where I was sitting in the pews…. just to pass the time.

nonchristianmommy June 20, 2012 at 9:45 pm

wow, based on your review of Catholic life, its not that much different than fundy Baptist life.

Beowoof June 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

Mike Tyson makes more sense.

Vecchiojohn June 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

More bile and rage, please.

sbj1964 June 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

When you get a degree from a christian collage is that like having a degree from Hogwart's? I wish the correct answer to every question when I was in school was,Jesus did it.

BaldarTFlagass June 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

I wonder if that guy talks like that in normal conversation. That would be pretty distracting.

Fare la Volpe June 14, 2012 at 10:20 am

I'llah haveah the tossedah saladah with the ca-routonsah on the sideah! CAN I GET A AMEN?

Jus_Wonderin June 14, 2012 at 11:10 am

Can I get AA men?

OneDollarJuana June 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

He's says good things, but is n't it a ma zing how he makes e ve ry word a sin gle syl la ble word?

swordfis June 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

What a mensch. I'm sure they're already getting the hammer and nails ready for him.

Chill_Bill June 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

Fox News Headline: "Obama Refuses to Denounce Pastor's Hateful Rhetoric."

mavenmaven June 14, 2012 at 10:05 am

haven't heard the phrase "chill pill" in a while… love it.

Chill_Bill June 14, 2012 at 10:19 am

Oh, I have.

Fare la Volpe June 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

Stewardess, I speak Jive!

JustPixelz June 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Jesus never said homosexuality was wrong. In fact, he hung out with 12 apostles who loved him. And he loved them back. Then he drew them closer, saying "You want God to love you, amirite?"

Ruhe June 14, 2012 at 10:29 am

Serious biblical interpretation moment: You'll note that in the Gospel of John the writer refers, apparently, to himself as "the one whom Jesus loved" in the description of the last supper. Now obviously we have to assume that Jesus was cool with all the Apostles and wouldn't be cool with any one of them speaking in a possessive make-the-other-guys-jealous sort of way. So what does it mean when this one guy singles himself out? Not sayin', just askin'.

AutomaticPilot June 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Wait, didn't John write his gospel a few decades after Jesus died?

Fare la Volpe June 14, 2012 at 10:30 am

I hear Judas was a legendary kisser.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:34 am

Yea, but the prick charged 30 for one

Mittens Howell, III June 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Obama is NOT the Pasta of the United States, The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the Pasta of the United States, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster says this on gay marriage:

"Jubobbedefooblejubblubblbubbvennkkukkkukleeeennooo!"

Can I get an Amen?

BaldarTFlagass June 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

"Jubobbedefooblejubblubblbubbvennkkukkkukleeeennooo!"

"Speaking in Tongues" was probably my favorite Heads album.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:20 am

My girlfriend is better

Dashboard Buddha June 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

Ramen!

BaldarTFlagass June 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Your move, Reverend Wright.

not that Radio June 14, 2012 at 10:12 am

God damn! America!

subsum June 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

Remembering Arsenio Hall as Reverend Brown in Coming to America: "…I love the Lord-ah! And if lovin' the Lord is wrong-ah, I don't wanna be right-ah…!"

Scavok01 June 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

I just got to hang out here a minute. He rocks it.

randcoolcatdaddy June 14, 2012 at 10:11 am

Well….as we often say in North Carolina as we shake our heads, "_Bless_ his little heart.."

Estproph June 14, 2012 at 10:11 am

Clearly this man is a Muslim.

vulpes82 June 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Worse: a Muslin.

Guppy June 14, 2012 at 10:15 am

A Baptist that still adheres to the separation of church and state? I thought they'd all died off.

Alas, he sounds and looks (/ahem) a little too much like Jeremiah Wright to actually be a true Christian.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Yeah, how many Baptists realize that Roger Williams was the guy who came up with the idea of the wall of separation between church & state?

elviouslyqueer June 14, 2012 at 10:15 am

Well, that was unexpected.

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to forward this clip to Fred Phelps, Rick Warren, and every. single. moronic. bigoted. motherfucking. pastor in the South. They gots some serious 'splainin to do.

UW8316154 June 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm

nannette Billings might appreciate it, too.

eggsacklywright June 14, 2012 at 10:15 am

He talk funny Sundays.

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ June 14, 2012 at 10:16 am

Holy shit. I am saved. Hallelujah.

widestanceromance June 14, 2012 at 10:16 am

This is why the states should not be allocated their own drone program. I fear for this man's life.

prommie June 14, 2012 at 10:16 am

I prefer Brother Jeb Smock.

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 10:35 am

Brother Jed and Sister Cindy! Oh my god…now there's some performance art!

prommie June 14, 2012 at 10:49 am

Did you know that my dorm, my very dorm, was a hotbed of forn-i-cay-shun? It was, according to Jed. And the Crystal parking lot conversion of Sister Cindy took place at the Crystal across the street, true story.

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 11:17 am

"and it was right there…in BURGER KING… that I gave my life over to THE KING OF KINGS!"

weejee June 14, 2012 at 10:35 am

Yer avatar looks vaguely familiar. Did the your recent one get evicted with Limey Lizzie's beloved tortured animal ads?

prommie June 14, 2012 at 10:52 am

Its just a return to an old avatar. She is the 80s girl, and this makes me feel so pretty. Can't a guy just want to feel pretty every now and then?

Mittens Howell, III June 14, 2012 at 10:20 am

That guy's awful! I nearly choked on my bile and rage omelette watching that.

Dashboard Buddha June 14, 2012 at 10:25 am

Kinda nice to see a religious leader talking to his flock as if they were grownups.

CountryClubJihadi June 14, 2012 at 10:26 am

Jazz Hands for Jesus.

Fare la Volpe June 14, 2012 at 10:26 am

Can a brotha get a high five!

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

Cross-bump!

Now explode 'em!

prommie June 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

And oh hey, before I forget, Becky, "Knob Polishing" is what one does to one's own knob, "knob gobbling" or "knob slobbering" is what was going on at Cirque de Soleil. I am not one of those "gotcha" grammar nazis usually, but Blowjobs are important, I mean, really really really important. Blowjobs are actually the ultimate meaning of life, so you do not fuck around with your blowjob nomenclature.

niblick77 June 14, 2012 at 10:32 am

Listen to her Becky, prommie obviously went to a fine finishing school to have gain so much knowledge.

LesBontemps June 14, 2012 at 10:36 am

Does this mean you did or you didn't win the Date With the Editrix Contest?

BaldarTFlagass June 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

When they're a goblin
There ain't a problin
When they're a goblin
I start a-wobblin'
Pink all over
Some is tan
Goblin Girls
From every land
They look good
From any which-a-way
Every Halloween
You can hear me say:
"Goblin Girl, take it away…"

Guppy June 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Then how would one describe a handjob?

BerkeleyBear June 14, 2012 at 1:15 pm

disappointing?

nonchristianmommy June 20, 2012 at 9:50 pm

blow jobs are so very fundamental, thats why as kids, whenever the Bob Jones University hustlers came around, we all would laugh behind their backs after begging for every piece of promotional products they had. That is, until they changed their slogan from BJ for U.

Nowisallthereis June 14, 2012 at 10:31 am

Did I wake up in an alternate universe?

Inspiring. Good for him.

weejee June 14, 2012 at 10:32 am

Thank you for that. A delightful way to start the morning! Not that Mrs. weejee and I will be going back to church any time soon, but a hallelujah too, also.

/ bolt of lightning scorches olde dwarf typing in Seattle.

Terry June 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

Oh, I bet you an army of gray haired Church ladies gave him a ration of grief after the service.

I was at a Mass in south Texas where the priest talked about changes coming in the Catholic Church, mainly women as priests and priests getting married. The elderly ladies sitting up front started HISSING at him and rattling papers. In a Catholic Mass, this is a big time disruption. The priest then proceeded to say that the only way to avoid change is to die. The front pews sounded like a nest of angry wasps. My father and I were stifling laughter at this point. On the way out, we saw the priest in the middle of a circle of grannies in mantillas. Best Mass I ever attended.

Guppy June 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

And then he was whisked away by the "Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith?"

doloras June 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Interestingly enough, the Pope is allowing former Anglican priests who're married to stay married if they convert, seeing as priestly celibacy is a "recent" tradition (only since the 9th century).

BerkeleyBear June 14, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Take a look at the reaction shots. The women in hats are much more down with the preacher than the men. I'm guessing they know a few more men on the down low who they support/wish could come out.

That, or like South African government officials, they think homosexuality is just a white problem, anyways.

fuflans June 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

mr fuflans was just telling me last night that he will never get married b/c of his terrible experience with southern church ladies (mr fuflans is from GA).

and then he proceeded to tell me terribly rude stories about terrible southern church ladies.

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 10:34 am

Cue outrage at Breitbart for this "street corner shuck and jibe"

SayItWithWookies June 14, 2012 at 10:37 am

If more pastors based their ethics on the ethics of humanism, which is the basis for our Constitution and idea of inherent civil rights, and less on the ethics of an opaque, changeable, whimsical and fictional creature, this would be a more perfect union. Nevertheless, if that pastor can drag his parishioners to the 19th century from the 18th, it's a good start.

Goonemeritus June 14, 2012 at 10:37 am

I come to the Wonkette to justify my morning binge drinking, how is this helpful?

dijetlo June 14, 2012 at 10:49 am

Try the sacramental wine

GorzoTheMighty June 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

If you turn off the sound it looks like you are witnessing an auction. Strange I know. Just sayin…

larrykat June 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

Has this guy ever heard of emphasis on certain syllables of words?

Doktor Zoom June 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

The YouTube comments have helpfully explained that in the End Times, false prophets will arise to lead the people astray. One even thanks Pastor Haynes for fulfilling Biblical prophesy.

All Hail Selection Bias!

glamourdammerung June 14, 2012 at 12:34 pm

You mean those "end times" that were supposed to occur in the lifetime of Jesus' associates?

dijetlo June 14, 2012 at 10:52 am

Liberal Christians…just because we don't have our own TV network, doesn't mean we don't exist.

comrad_darkness June 14, 2012 at 11:16 am

What, you live your quiet lives of example by the teachings of your holy spirit? What kind of monster are you??

glamourdammerung June 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Franknflower June 14, 2012 at 10:59 am

Come on experience the lovin for yourself.

badgitator June 14, 2012 at 11:00 am

This makes sense. Now the world makes no sense…I'm going back to bed.

scvirginia June 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Stop Making Sense!

ttommyunger June 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

Why is he punching himself in the face? Jus wonderin'.

Geminisunmars June 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

I find this fellow hard to deplore.

glamourdammerung June 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

It is such a shame that simply advocating equal civil rights is newsworthy.

DahBoner June 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

In 1980, West Dallas, Texas streets were paved with dirt.

fuflans June 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

huh. who knew leadership could lead to, you know, change and results and stuff.

PuckStopsHere June 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Little wonder, when one hears this man speak his truth, that the Mormans were so uncomfortable with the blahs that they didn't let them into their church until 1979. Clearly this guy drinks beverages containing caffeine.

extreme_left June 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

What a surprise, person who is Schizophrenic babbles incoherently.

TribecaMike June 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm

He was great on Law & Order. But then, all good Christians are.

actor212 June 14, 2012 at 10:18 am

God, I don't know!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 15, 2012 at 1:02 am

E. All of the above, Katie.

Fare la Volpe June 14, 2012 at 10:29 am

God, he knows not what he does!!

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