declaration of fabulous!

Your Morning Nice-Time Gospel: Sing Out Brothers And Sisters, Testify, Amen

Sing it!Senior Pastor Frederick Haynes III, of the Friendship West Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, do you maybe have some thoughts on President Barack Gaybama’s personal statement of support for homosexual marriage from a week or seven back? Would you perhaps care to TESTIFY? And would you, Wonket brothers and sisters, actually like to start your morning in a nice way instead of on your usual breakfast of bile and rage?

Here, fellows, have some fellowship. We will return to our coverage of the usual horrors shortly.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. freakishlywrong

    I watched 43 seconds of that and am now born again and speaking in tongues. Good Gawd y'all!

  2. Barb

    "We often major in what Jesus minored in"
    Jesus didn't go to college. He got hung up on his boards.

        1. actor212

          He failed the essay too. His metaphors were all tortured. The whole "water into wine" and "raising the dead," it's been done to death.

          1. JustPixelz

            32. A man has 3 wives and 1 concubine. He wants to marry the concubine but 1 of the wives object. How many stones does he need to kill the wife?
            A. 3
            B. 1, but it may be reused
            C. none, the concubine must do the stoning
            D. 2, 'cause a real man always has two giant stones … badda bing

      1. Barb

        Morning Bobbert! I'm drinking 7-Up and eating Mini Wheats. It's the fiber that does it, trust me. None of that cheap cereal-in-a-bag that the GOP wants me to eat. Fiber is the key to life.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Who would have the nerve to post after this gem topped the list?????? Good work Barb. You deserve a Wonkette paycheck.

  3. ChernobylSoup

    I don't remember Jefferson placing a period after every word in the Declaration of Independence.

    Otherwise… Amen.

      1. actor212

        You laugh, but in my nabe, about ten years ago a gym called "The Rock" opened. They have a rock climbing wall, so it fit, but every time I went there, I had to do the whole "FINALLY!…." bit

        Oh. Downstairs from the gym was a storefront church (which is why I went the long way with this story) which was named….you guessed it! The Rock!

  4. justkillmenow

    That man's tailor deserves a big old tip. That suit is staying with him in an impressive way through all of his movements. Amazing.

    Plus, serious goosebumps.

  5. anniegetyerfun

    You know what was boring? The Catholic Church that I grew up in. Oh, sure, the incense and beatings were nice, but it would have been more fun if we had had cheering.

    1. chascates

      I first visited a Catholic Church with grade schools friends after they started using Engish instead of Latin in the mass. It really lost something once you could understand what was being said.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        We had Father Dorian. Irish Catholic, mean as anything, forced all of the teachers at the Catholic school to tithe 10% of their meager salaries to the Church. If he got mad at you about something, he'd grab you by the arm and shake you. When he returned to Ireland, everyone was visibly relieved. Never could understand anything he said, anyway.

    2. Guppy

      What was there to cheer, though? Another successful ceremony without an altar boy accidentally setting himself on fire? The announcement of the day's allotment of free wine?

    3. larrykat

      When I had to go up to the church every morning for mass in Catholic school, spending all that time studying the altar and the stained glass and all the statues, I used to daydream that there would be an earthquake and imagine what things would come crashing down where and if I was safe where I was sitting in the pews…. just to pass the time.

    4. nonchristianmommy

      wow, based on your review of Catholic life, its not that much different than fundy Baptist life.

  6. sbj1964

    When you get a degree from a christian collage is that like having a degree from Hogwart's? I wish the correct answer to every question when I was in school was,Jesus did it.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if that guy talks like that in normal conversation. That would be pretty distracting.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I'llah haveah the tossedah saladah with the ca-routonsah on the sideah! CAN I GET A AMEN?

  8. OneDollarJuana

    He's says good things, but is n't it a ma zing how he makes e ve ry word a sin gle syl la ble word?

  9. JustPixelz

    Jesus never said homosexuality was wrong. In fact, he hung out with 12 apostles who loved him. And he loved them back. Then he drew them closer, saying "You want God to love you, amirite?"

    1. Ruhe

      Serious biblical interpretation moment: You'll note that in the Gospel of John the writer refers, apparently, to himself as "the one whom Jesus loved" in the description of the last supper. Now obviously we have to assume that Jesus was cool with all the Apostles and wouldn't be cool with any one of them speaking in a possessive make-the-other-guys-jealous sort of way. So what does it mean when this one guy singles himself out? Not sayin', just askin'.

  10. Mittens Howell, III

    Obama is NOT the Pasta of the United States, The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the Pasta of the United States, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster says this on gay marriage:


    Can I get an Amen?

    1. BaldarTFlagass


      "Speaking in Tongues" was probably my favorite Heads album.

  11. subsum

    Remembering Arsenio Hall as Reverend Brown in Coming to America: "…I love the Lord-ah! And if lovin' the Lord is wrong-ah, I don't wanna be right-ah…!"

  12. randcoolcatdaddy

    Well….as we often say in North Carolina as we shake our heads, "_Bless_ his little heart.."

  13. Guppy

    A Baptist that still adheres to the separation of church and state? I thought they'd all died off.

    Alas, he sounds and looks (/ahem) a little too much like Jeremiah Wright to actually be a true Christian.

    1. scvirginia

      Yeah, how many Baptists realize that Roger Williams was the guy who came up with the idea of the wall of separation between church & state?

  14. elviouslyqueer

    Well, that was unexpected.

    Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to forward this clip to Fred Phelps, Rick Warren, and every. single. moronic. bigoted. motherfucking. pastor in the South. They gots some serious 'splainin to do.

  15. widestanceromance

    This is why the states should not be allocated their own drone program. I fear for this man's life.

      1. prommie

        Did you know that my dorm, my very dorm, was a hotbed of forn-i-cay-shun? It was, according to Jed. And the Crystal parking lot conversion of Sister Cindy took place at the Crystal across the street, true story.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          "and it was right there…in BURGER KING… that I gave my life over to THE KING OF KINGS!"

      1. prommie

        Its just a return to an old avatar. She is the 80s girl, and this makes me feel so pretty. Can't a guy just want to feel pretty every now and then?

  16. Dashboard Buddha

    Kinda nice to see a religious leader talking to his flock as if they were grownups.

  17. prommie

    And oh hey, before I forget, Becky, "Knob Polishing" is what one does to one's own knob, "knob gobbling" or "knob slobbering" is what was going on at Cirque de Soleil. I am not one of those "gotcha" grammar nazis usually, but Blowjobs are important, I mean, really really really important. Blowjobs are actually the ultimate meaning of life, so you do not fuck around with your blowjob nomenclature.

    1. niblick77

      Listen to her Becky, prommie obviously went to a fine finishing school to have gain so much knowledge.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      When they're a goblin
      There ain't a problin
      When they're a goblin
      I start a-wobblin'
      Pink all over
      Some is tan
      Goblin Girls
      From every land
      They look good
      From any which-a-way
      Every Halloween
      You can hear me say:
      "Goblin Girl, take it away…"

    3. nonchristianmommy

      blow jobs are so very fundamental, thats why as kids, whenever the Bob Jones University hustlers came around, we all would laugh behind their backs after begging for every piece of promotional products they had. That is, until they changed their slogan from BJ for U.

  18. weejee

    Thank you for that. A delightful way to start the morning! Not that Mrs. weejee and I will be going back to church any time soon, but a hallelujah too, also.

    / bolt of lightning scorches olde dwarf typing in Seattle.

  19. Terry

    Oh, I bet you an army of gray haired Church ladies gave him a ration of grief after the service.

    I was at a Mass in south Texas where the priest talked about changes coming in the Catholic Church, mainly women as priests and priests getting married. The elderly ladies sitting up front started HISSING at him and rattling papers. In a Catholic Mass, this is a big time disruption. The priest then proceeded to say that the only way to avoid change is to die. The front pews sounded like a nest of angry wasps. My father and I were stifling laughter at this point. On the way out, we saw the priest in the middle of a circle of grannies in mantillas. Best Mass I ever attended.

      1. doloras

        Interestingly enough, the Pope is allowing former Anglican priests who're married to stay married if they convert, seeing as priestly celibacy is a "recent" tradition (only since the 9th century).

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Take a look at the reaction shots. The women in hats are much more down with the preacher than the men. I'm guessing they know a few more men on the down low who they support/wish could come out.

      That, or like South African government officials, they think homosexuality is just a white problem, anyways.

    2. fuflans

      mr fuflans was just telling me last night that he will never get married b/c of his terrible experience with southern church ladies (mr fuflans is from GA).

      and then he proceeded to tell me terribly rude stories about terrible southern church ladies.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    If more pastors based their ethics on the ethics of humanism, which is the basis for our Constitution and idea of inherent civil rights, and less on the ethics of an opaque, changeable, whimsical and fictional creature, this would be a more perfect union. Nevertheless, if that pastor can drag his parishioners to the 19th century from the 18th, it's a good start.

  21. GorzoTheMighty

    If you turn off the sound it looks like you are witnessing an auction. Strange I know. Just sayin…

  22. Doktor Zoom

    The YouTube comments have helpfully explained that in the End Times, false prophets will arise to lead the people astray. One even thanks Pastor Haynes for fulfilling Biblical prophesy.

    All Hail Selection Bias!

    1. glamourdammerung

      You mean those "end times" that were supposed to occur in the lifetime of Jesus' associates?

  23. dijetlo

    Liberal Christians…just because we don't have our own TV network, doesn't mean we don't exist.

    1. comrad_darkness

      What, you live your quiet lives of example by the teachings of your holy spirit? What kind of monster are you??

  24. PuckStopsHere

    Little wonder, when one hears this man speak his truth, that the Mormans were so uncomfortable with the blahs that they didn't let them into their church until 1979. Clearly this guy drinks beverages containing caffeine.

Comments are closed.