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There she is, Miss Amercia.

Illinois crazytime state lawmaker update alert newsbreak: GOP state Senator Suzi Schmidt, the curiously thrilled human pictured at left, was arrested for, uh, “damaging” an animal feed bag belonging to the neighbors and was later served with an “emergency stalking no contact order.” This is the same Suzi Schmidt who last year preemptively phoned 911 dispatchers on Christmas to first inform them of her official title and then instruct them to ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse and then bragged that her husband was “afraid” of her connections. How is this woman not governor yet?

From the local ABC News station:

The state senator was arrested on a warrant when a deputy spotted her at a Menards store in Gurnee Tuesday. She is charged with criminal damage to property and criminal trespass to property. Both are misdemeanors.

Schmidt is accused of damaging a neighbor’s animal feed bag last week, and there reportedly was some kind of argument.

Authorities say she has been harassing the neighbors for the last year. A court order shows she sent several harassing texts and emails to the neighbors and allegedly had a confrontation with the neighbors’ 7-year-old son.

Authorities also outfitted the Lake Villa Republican with an emergency stalking, no-contact order, concerning her neighbors.

Yeah, we were hoping for a few more details around that whole “accused of damaging a neighbor’s animal feed bag” part of it, too. But that is why God gave you imaginations, children! And Illinois politicians. [ABC News/Chicago Tribune]

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  • Tundra Grifter

    That's the mug I expected to see in the story about Kallie giving her fellow Border Patrol agent a public jump start.

    • Guppy

      Complete with the mugshot smile.

    • bumfug

      That's the mug that tells me she's mad at the neighbors for taking the feedbag back before she'd finished the oats.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        She's quite the heifer, isn't she? Beats her husband, stalks the neighbours, harasses a little kid — it's a wonder she's not running for President.

        • flamingpdog

          If she were running for President, she'd have "people" to do that kind of thing for her. Badabing!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'd love to badabing her right in the schnoz. Harassing kids because their parents happen to be assholes in your opinion = totally not cool, man.

  • SorosBot

    By attacking a seven-year-old she's going after her intellectual superior.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      It's never smart to get on the wrong side of your Meth dealer, either.

      • NellCote71

        My thoughts, too. Classic meth visage.

    • GemlikeFlame

      The Palin is strong in this one.

  • MissTaken

    allegedly had a confrontation with the neighbors’ 7-year-old son.

    This is why your parents told you to never accept candy animal feed bags from strangers.

    • flamingpdog

      The hard part for the kid would be that she looks like an animal and a cracker.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It concerns me what that confrontation consisted of. Did she go all "Girls Gone Wild" on him?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Well Suzi looks like she's totally Schmidt-faced.

  • emmelemm

    "How is this woman not governor yet?"

    Exactly!

  • SmutBoffin

    Uh, some kinda "pony play" situation gone awry?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Earning your moniker I see.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        Speaking of monikers. Care to explain how one goes from BagOfMice to BoatOfVelociraptors?

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Getting my twitter account phished while drunk. The whole grammatical construct was designed to preserve identity through various accounts, so bagofmice, bagofbats, bagofelephants, etc. Boat of velociraptors was a Jurassic Park inspired way to probe the security of twitter, and I liked it.

    • Guppy

      "As" or "with?"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, definitely "as." Most animals would hotfoot it away after one look.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I don't know about damaging one, but at the risk of making a value judgment here I'd say Suzi may have put on the old feed bag a few too many times.

  • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    The meth is strong with this one

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      That's in chicken feed.

  • MissTaken

    ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse

    Fucking Suzi, didn't your momma tell you to save your get out of jail free card for when you call the police to tell them to your ignore your neighbors if they just happen to call in to report you for animal feed bag abuse. Crying wolf, Suzi. Crying wolf.

  • mavenmaven

    As long as she films it, and yells "I'm going to shoot first", its ok if she kills her neighbors.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I think I'll go turn the music down…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Something something fear of my life also too.

  • MissTaken

    Suzi Schmidt just rocketed up the VEEP short list with this one.

    • SorosBot

      She might secure the nod if she straps her neighbors' chickens to the roof of her car.

      • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

        Or does a televised interview in front of a chicken slaughtering machine running in the background

    • emmelemm

      About as much experience, vetting, qualification, etc. as the Lady Palin. In other words, "Why not?"

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    She tossed the bag of chicken feed into a swamp.

    She seems to be less corrupt and more batshit crazy

    • flamingpdog

      Maybe she misread the bag as chicken seed and figured if she threw it in the swamp that she could grown some chickens.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Bet that head knows what it's like to be shoved into a feedbag.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Isn't she a bit more like the other end of the horse MH3?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Welcome to Romney's Fantasy Veep Team, Senator!

  • Hedley_Lamarr

    Gonna need more than some piece of cop paper to stop Frau Blucher.

    • MosesInvests

      Whinny!

      • ttommyunger

        Too funny!

  • Goonemeritus

    The heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that involves a neighbor, a feedbag and several unwilling animals.

    • tessiee

      Rodell Vereen approves of this comment:
      http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-horse-sex,0

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Geezus. Don't these people know about CONSENT?

    • not that Radio

      And a seven-year-old child.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Just reading the testimony of the kids who testified against Jerry Sandusky. Geezus.

        • not that Radio

          Guh. Sorry about that.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            How is LittleSusieNotThat DeweyRadio, by the bye? Last pitchers of her revealed a Growing Girl and I'll bet she barely even looks like that any more. Hugs to her and her Mom.

  • neiltheblaze

    Is she related to Mean Jean?

    • Angry_Marmot

      I'm thinking Large Marge.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        I was thinking Mema.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh god. That horrible fat old woman with the black fingernails and the mean self-righteous rant about the n*-word? That woman?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    That picture with the words feed bag in the title? Come on, its like you don't even want to challenge us anymore.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mitt Romney would pick her to be his Vice President, but he is afraid of her connections.

    • tessiee

      Also, the chickens pooped all over the car elevator, and the poop gummed up the gears so badly that even the servants couldn't get it out.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let me guess: She is a member of the Tea Party?

  • Crank_Tango

    Yet another Chicago-style Nobama thug demoncrap, eh?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      After she stole the feedbag she called her neighbors up and said: "I got this thing and it's fucking golden."

      • not that Radio

        If it's a large enough feedbag, she could parachute her there.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      No way. This nut job is GOP from northern suburbs. Practically Wisconsin. I blame Reince Priebus

  • Doktor Zoom

    Thanks for puttin' on the feed bag!
    Thanks for going all out!
    Thanks for showin' me your Swiss Army Knife!
    Love and kisses ex-ex-ex zero-zero-zero!

    –Laurie Anderson, "Let X = X"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Who's her husband? Pee Wee Herman?

    • Guppy

      No, Pee Wee was busy getting it on with the Border Patrol chick.

      • emmelemm

        I thought Pee Wee swung the other way…

  • TribecaMike

    That's not a headline you see everyday, but I don't live in a rural area.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      I do. It's always "Feedbag this", and "Feedbag that".

      • TribecaMike

        Those feckin' Feedbaggers. Grumble grumble.

        • Negropolis

          Feedbaggers.

          We have got to make this a thing, okay?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'm in.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Teabaggers at the all you can eat buffet.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ew, if that's what they're serving I'm going for the veg option.

  • PubOption

    There's something else going wrong at the Wonket. The Tribune link wouldn't work, and the ABC link redirected to a 2009 Wonkabout page.

    • flamingpdog

      That happened to me on another Wonkette post last week. I'm thinking the recent Wonkette "upgrade" may have been like all the "upgrades" that Comcast is always bragging to me about.

      • PubOption

        So far, Wonkette isn't charging more for the 'upgrades'.

      • glamourdammerung

        I am pretty sure it is a word press/intense debate issue as I had a link get muffed that I even verified worked the other day.

  • Not_So_Much

    Even without the feedbag, Anne Romney's spare dressage horse looks terrible in this picture.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Spare HORSE? Ann RMONEY doesn't have a SPARE HORSE, she has a spare HERD.

    • Negropolis

      Mmmm…ranch dressage…mmmm…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        *Some*body's HUNGRY.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        One way to stay glued to the screen.

  • Schmannnity

    Is this Shellie Zimmerman's mama?

  • OldWhiteLies

    This is the kind of thing that makes me think that any greeting card company worth their salt could devote an entire product line to "Condolences Regarding Your Crazy-Assed Neighbo[u]r"

    • tessiee

      Yeah, no kidding.
      I had a friend who moved to a new house (this was in Ohio, not Illinois) and didn't realize the neighbors were crazy:
      Phone: Ring a ling!
      Friend: Hello?
      Neighbor [on phone]: I can see your fence.
      Friend: Um… OK.
      Neighbor: So you have to take it down!
      Friend: What?
      Neighbor: Because I can see your fence! Take it down!
      Friend: Um, no.
      So she checked, and made sure that the fence was within the property line, not blocking anything, not too high for a residential fence, etc., and it was OK. So she comes home from work one day, the fence is gone, and there's a fire in the neighbor's yard.
      Friend: Hey, have you seen my fence?
      Neighbor: No.
      Friend: Because I notice it's not there since I left for work this morning.
      Neighbor: Oh.
      Friend: What happened to it?
      Neighbor [shrug]: I dunno.
      Friend: You didn't… [gestures at fire] take it down and set it on fire over there, did you?
      Neighbor: Nope!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Wow. That reminds me of when I lived in a tiny town in Maine way, way back in the day, and our neighbors would get on the party line and scream at us for not going to church.

        • not that Radio

          How Christian of them!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Boy, that's some NUTBAG levels of denial.

  • DaSandman

    Glad to see they've emptied the mental hospitals in Illinois. How'd you like to be living across the hedgerow from THAT?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      There'd be a bustle in your hedgerow for sure.

      • MosesInvests

        But don't be alarmed, now.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I'd be very alarmed.

    • Angry_Marmot

      That's a lot of May Queen.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I think it might kind of spread into June and July also, too.

      • flamingpdog

        I kind of doubt her stairway could possibly lie on a whispering wind.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Not unless it was hurricane strength, pdog.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The damage to the feed bag is not the real story — the real story involves a three-foot long prosthetic horse penis, which the authorities are still too mortified to mention.

    • chascates

      So her hobby is animal husbandry?

    • Guppy

      Oh, come on! In that part of the state, I'm sure the deputies have a pre-filled form for that kind of stuff.

      • glasspusher

        Animal molestation Mad Libs! I like it!

    • Barrelhse

      Where did they find it? And why would anyone look THERE?

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    First you get the feedbag. Then you get the power.

    • scvirginia

      Damn, that is DEEP.

  • SexySmurf

    Things just got ugly.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      No………………

    • Barrelhse

      LOL

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      She's looked that way all her life, dear.

    • Negropolis

      Got?

      I know, I know. Low-hanging fruit. So sue me, why don't you.

  • DrunkIrishman

    She has more spots on her face than Andrew Beckett in Philadelphia.

    • TribecaMike

      Getting pecked by a yard full of chickens was really what she was after all along.

      • NellCote71

        Four-letter word. Meth.

    • Barrelhse

      It's not her fault. Her face caught on fire and they put it out with a pitchfork.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Stabby!

  • Steverino247

    OT: Latest results in the judicial count in San Diego County (and it's not good news) With 13,500 absentee/provisional ballots left to be counted, Kreep leads by 216 votes:

    SUPERIOR COURT – Office No. 34

    GARY GEORGE KREEP 197376 50.03%

    GARLAND PEED 197160 49.97%

    • scvirginia

      Let's hope the absentees were sober when they voted.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Shhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiittttttttttttttt.

    • Barrelhse

      Cat crept into the crypt, Kreeped, and crept out.

    • bobbert

      Is whoever's counting these ballots related to Kathy Nickolaus?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yeah, that's something I'd worry about.

      • tessiee

        Or Katherine Harris?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Please god let 13,000 of the remaining 13,500 be for Garland Peed PLEEZ.

      • Steverino247

        Our Registrar of Voters is as straight as you can get. There are no shenanigans with this counting. The problem is that nearly 400,000 people flipped a coin when they marked their ballot in this race and the RoV is merely reporting the results of all those random coin flips. It's like being a proctor in a math class during probability week.

        Oh, and Orly Taitz is still in fifth place in the US Senate race.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Does this mean we'll have a Kreep on the court? I know, I know, what difference does it make, we've got so many there already.

          I thought Orly, like Joe LIEberman, was tied with four others for second place!

    • Negropolis

      Besides the humorous last names, is there anything else interesting about this race? I really don't know, because I haven't been paying attention.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Kreep is a Teabagger who was voted Most Useless Fucking Wanker EVAH by his county bar association. Garland Peed, who goes by Gary, has been rated the best, and has a long and impressive career as DA (I believe?) along with his unfortunate name. Why Kreep is winning this, I don't know, but it IS San Diego, home to military nutbags and Feedbaggers.

  • coolhandnuke

    She earned the Blue Ribbon at the 2011 Illinois State Fair in Whack-a-Moleing. Her hard-scrabble mole noggin destroyed 36 mallets in the competition.

    • Barrelhse

      She placed in the "Large Women and Small Cattle" category, too.

  • M. Szyslak

    How long's hubby been into zoophilia (formerly beastiality)? Oh wait…Sorry…

  • chascates

    Reboot the server or something, the links are wanky.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    OT but abortions are up locally in Richmond: http://www.styleweekly.com/richmond/richmond-lead

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, I thought you were referring to the *politicians* there, for a minute.

    • tessiee

      I don't wish to be cruel, but it strikes me as just a wee bit odd that this story would run in a publication with a name like "Style Weekly".
      *runway announcer voice*
      You can tell it's almost bathing suit season! All the *trendiest* fashionistas are having their abortions this week. And, if you bring the coupon from the latest Weekly Shopper, you get a free brazilian, too.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Ya know? I wonder what their target market is.

  • An_Outhouse

    When my neighbor confronted me when I was seven, I called her a bitch. We had no problems after that. Deep down, bullies are pussies. Her kids were assholes, too.

    • Negropolis

      If I'd called anyone a bitch at the age of seven and my parents found out, I wouldn't have been able to sit for a week.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I was just thinking that.

        At LEAST a week.

      • UW8316154

        Good lord, when I was seven, I don't think I had ever even heard the word outside the context of the Boxers my parents showed.

      • An_Outhouse

        I guess my parents didn't find out :)

  • CthuNHu

    Authorities also outfitted the Lake Villa Republican with an emergency stalking, no-contact order, concerning her neighbors.

    Now that's a mighty fine outfit. Does it come with an extra-extra-long-sleeved shirt?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Crosses in the back, buckles in the front.

    • OneYieldRegular

      And an extra-extra-large feed bag.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        For that extra-extra-large girl.

  • Callyson

    How is this woman not governor yet?

    Ms Schmidt, I have the Kochs on line one: something about funding your campaign…

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Opportunisticly_Joe

    Oh look! Everyone's faces seems to have returned!

    What are we talking about, again?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Her initials (SS) seem quite appropriate.

  • Guppy

    Now now, they did have nice hair on a sitting governor for a while.

  • Barrelhse

    She may have mistaken it for her own feedbag. We all get a little cranky when we're hungry.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      That Frito-Lay, always on the cutting edge of the packaged foods business!

      • not that Radio
        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

          That was offensive.

          • tessiee

            But remarkably easy to masturbate to.

          • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

            Just went there again after reading your comment, had a change of heart, and now I want to eat that damn thing. Love me some chili with lots of raw onion, grated cheese, and chips. One little Frito bag would not subdue my passion.

          • not that Radio

            Behold the power of Frito Pie.

          • tessiee

            I'm sure it's good in that sinful way, but "frito pie" sounds like some disgusting sex act involving food, genitals, and feet.

          • not that Radio

            [checks urbandictionary]

            [shudder]

          • tessiee

            Is it me, or do all the definitions in urban dictionary sound like they're written by 12-year-old boys who have never had sex, hate women very much, and don't have a very good grasp of the way the human body works?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            It should be pretty obvious they've never had sex with a real human female. Anyone who tried half that shit on most of the women I know would end up with a broken baculum.

          • not that Radio

            12-year-old boys who have never had sex, and seem somehow duty-bound to include "poop-on-the-face" in everything they do. The first dozen or so entries were probably pretty funny and irreverent, and now it's become like a chore — "alright, how can I work pooping on someone's face into THIS act?"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            They're definitely stuck in the anal phase, as it were.

          • Barrelhse

            Sex sells.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            It looked good to me too.

  • sbj1964

    She's a Keeper Mom.As soon as I get my degree in punch card computing I'm a goin to marry her!

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    The links are broken!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Vice presidential material!

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Turns out Suzi is claiming her estranged husband, whom she abused, was having an affair with the neighbour lady, which the neighbour lady strenuously denies. Suzi Schmidt will not be running in the upcoming election. With any luck, her place will be taken by a Democrat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I get the distinct impression she'll be running for queen of the psych ward.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm inclined to be biased against her because she is fat, old, and not very attractive, and my Corporate Masters tell me that fat old unattractive women do not deserve my attention. But I really think she's having a breakdown. I'm not sure anybody deserves to go through what she's going through. It looks like she's falling apart quite publicly. And now, of course, I can't find it in my heart to wish ill on her. Such a wuss.

        If I was Lord of the Universe, it would be some kind of peaceful fucking vegetarian paradise of self-consuming slime mold, or something. No violence or cruelty, sure, but fucking boring as all get out, too.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          peaceful fucking vegetarian paradise of self-consuming slime moldWhat?! No Wonkette?And yeah, I always end up feeling bad for crazy people too. It's not the mentally ill who cause the world's ills. They are statistically farmore likely to be victims of violence and grift. It's the motherfuckers with the personality disorders who cause all the trouble. 'Sides, I kinda like her grin.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'm finding it very hard to like her at all. She reminds me of my mother. Fat, ragey, shouty, crazy lady. But still. I hope she just drops out of the public eye and sorts her shit out. I'd hate to be going through her crazy.

            We'd have to have a Wonket. It would be too boring otherwise. And I ain't giving up meat either.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Fetus barbecue!Oh, and my guitar wants to kill your mama.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Well, my guitar wants to burn your Dad, young lady.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Guitars gone wild!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            They're good for prepping a fetus for barbecue. (Smack! flatten them out. Like those Italian chickens.)

    • tessiee

      So, depending on which version of the story you believe, either:
      a) dumpy, unattractive, middle-aged woman found out her husband is having an affair with neighbor lady and lost her shit,
      or
      b) neighbor lady was always pleasant to husband of dumpy, unattractive, middle-aged woman, but nothing more, and now that DUMAW has gone around the bend, neighbor lady is counting her lucky stars and thinking, "Jeeze Louise, I sure dodged a bullet *there*!"

      Either way, totally cut out for a LIfetime Channel movie. Sandra Bullock as the neighbor, Julia Styles as the psycho, Bill Paxton as the husband, and the chickens can play themselves.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I really feel sorry for the neighbour lady. Having the local nutbag harass your 7-y.o. is a bit much. But, yeah, I'm totes ready for a movie about chickens, goddammit. They just don't get enough respect.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    OT: Iowa cafe owner says Romney was so sloppy and rude at campaign stop "you'd think it was Obama"
    http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_t2#/video/politi

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      As someone at Democratic Underground said, if Obama was there he would have also wrecked the place and been obnoxious to her – but would have taken the time to burn the place down on the way out the door.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Jesus, the Wonketz is turning into Heifer Central lately. Are there any normal-sized people left in Amercia to report on?

      • Nostrildamus

        Bloat is the new normal.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'm going on a permanent diet of chips and water.

      • glamourdammerung

        Republicans and their "personal responsibility" philosophy of "if it feels good, do it" tends to create a lot of plus size morons.

    • glamourdammerung

      Because I am sure that President Obama went to this "fine" establishment before and was a total jerk.

      It must be wonderful to be a Republican since they have such careful lives that they have to make up things to be scared and angry about.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Yeah, if there's one thing that comes to mind when I think Obama it's "sloppy and rude."
      Whatever you think of his politics, he is personable and a charmer. And I'm sure he knows what donuts are.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      ICED TEA MUTHAFUCKA! DO YOU SERVE IT?

      Actually, I'm gonna be a little kind here [probably just an afterglow from Jesse Kelly getting STOMPED!] and suggest that what she meant was the hubbub and security that she imagines would go along with a visit from an actual sitting Pres.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        THERE ARE TOO MANY REPUBLICAN ASSHOLES… IN THIS MUTHAFUCKIN DINER!

        • tessiee

          Obama tries to get napkin out of overfilled napkin dispenser on diner table. It rips, leaving him with one-third of a napkin. He *very carefully* tries again, working around the two-thirds of a napkin still stuck in there. It rips again, worse. He does this several more times, using a fork, the blade of a butter knife, etc. with the results becoming increasingly worse each time, and finally blows his stack:
          "I HAVE HAD IT…
          WITH THESE MUTHA!FUCKIN! NAPKINS…
          IN THIS MUTHA!FUCKIN! DINER!!"
          *throws napkin dispenser on floor*
          Michelle, mortified, hustles the kids back to the car. On the way out the door, the little one pipes up, "Ma, Daddy said a bad word".

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You are TOO MUTHAFUCKIN KIND, muthafucka.

        • Blueb4sunrise

          FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!I

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            You won't get away with that language in Middleborough

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      She spoke to Romney on the phone, but says his apology seemed to be mocking her. Wow.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        When Barry was 10, he realized that he'd need just such a diner owner, and went to Bill Ayers for advice. They bred a few IVF babies and had them raised as normal Iowans knowing that someday they'd be needed.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Would you please get a Twitter account as YoungRepub or something and plant this meme? It would be great if the RWNJs would fall for it.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Sounds like too much work. Maybe someone will just search the googlez for Ayers, find the comment, and take it from there.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Slacker.

        • scvirginia

          I read that in his autobiography. Pretty soon some freak GOP'er will learn to read & also see it…

      • scvirginia

        Was she wearing a plastic poncho & watching NASCAR? Doesn't matter- he mocks us all…

    • Negropolis

      THAT sums up the entire upcoming election. Romney could be (and is) a complete boor…but at least he's not black.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        If only that were the sum total of his deficiencies! He is a boor, and a graceless, classist, incompetent, charmless, soulless, unattractive, inhumane, unfeeling, narrow, restricted, limited, blinkered, obnoxious steaming pile of supremacist shit.

        But at least he's not a brilliant, tireless, charming, gracious, learned, empathetic, humane BLACK dude.

        • tessiee

          I'd say that he should just say "fuck it", and make his official slogan:
          "Romney: He's White"
          except that if he really did that, it would actually *help* him, because people suck.

    • not that Radio
      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        lol, this whole thread is complete Win.

    • miss_grundy

      I bet the Prez had better table manners. Iowans are pigs.

    • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

      Jesus H. Christ on a funnel cake, after listening to this cafe lady's whinging and seeing her patriotic teddy bears and her blank stare, my heart went out to Romney for a fleeting second having to make chit-chat with the hoi polloi and keep a grin plastered on and know what a donut is. The feeling has now passed, fuck Romney.

  • flamingpdog

    I wuz outta town for the last three days and not paying much attention to the news. Thank you, (my new Wonkette goddess) Kirsten, for renewing my lack of faith in humanity. Drink!

  • TribecaMike

    I've heard of seeing pink elephants, but thath ridiculuth.

  • Beowoof

    To bad Hitchcock is gone, I see her life story as a Hitch movie. Either that or One Belongs in the Cuckoo's Nest.

    • TribecaMike

      Yes, "Marnie" without the cold yet hot blond.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

        • TribecaMike

          Hitch did make a movie called "Lifeboat" in 1944.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I saw dat.

            Big Hitch fan, in case it wasn't obvious.

    • tessiee

      I was imagining it as a "Law and Order" episode, with the "plink plink" sound effect and Vincent D'Onofrio doing his cheap Columbo takeoff.

    • not that Radio

      I'm sure David Cronenberg could do something with it.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        What, we'd better not say.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          *shudders

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You need more warming hugs, young lady. Where's your blankie?

      • Beowoof

        Maybe David Lynch.

        • not that Radio

          I considered that, but then I tried to picture Suzi in that (NSFW) front yard scene from Blue Velvet, and I thought better of it.

    • Nostrildamus

      Dial F for Feedbag

    • BlueStateLibel

      No, a Warner Herzog movie.

      I want to see Warner Herzog do a documentary of Mitt Rmoney, gently chiding him for being so foolish to think he could tame the beasts of the Mid-West.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    IL still has nicer things than a lot of surrounding states I could mention, not to mention certain boils on the Mexican border.

  • rocktonsam

    "emergency stalking no contact order"

    thats what we call it in Wisconsin after the smelt fry and a dozen Spotted Cows or so also

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    Suzi Schmidt likes to dress up as J. Edgar Hoover, and keeps detailed surveillance files on her neighbors' livestock. They were about to discover her webcam in the feedbag, so she had to detonate it remotely.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Apparently, they found her hiding in the bushes on their property, taking photos of their cars.

      Something seriously wrong with this woman.

      • TribecaMike

        I'm just glad Goober Pyle didn't live to see this.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        I don't know why that made me giggle, but it did. I can just picture it.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh, good, I has a cheered you up.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            *Hugs teh Mittborg

    • tessiee

      Of course, J. Edgar liked to dress up as Suzi Schmidt, so it only seems fair.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Vivian Vance libel!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          That was a great, and hilarious, story.

        • tessiee

          It's a somewhat awesome story, but I'm not convinced. When they weren't trying to make Vivian Vance look unattractive and frowzy for her Ethel Mertz role, she was actually surprisingly attractive:
          http://cinenthusiast.wordpress.com/tag/vivian-van
          Scroll down, she's # 11.

          • bobbert

            Thank you for the underused word "frowsy".

          • TribecaMike

            Supposedly it was in Viv's contract that she had to stay above a certain weight so she wouldn't detract from Lucy.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Really? How interesting. Is this par for the course in show biz?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse

    It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again….

  • Dashboard Buddha

    mama's got a brand new bag!

    • scvirginia

      Dude! I'm just sorry I can only upfist this once!

  • cheetojeebus

    I don't know, she looks kinda fetching. Look at the sparkle in her eye and those teeth, all nice and neat, all lined up like little soldiers. Mr Schmidt is a lucky man.

    Is the oddly cropped photo hiding a spiderweb throat tattoo? The black widow spider in the middle perched on her adam's apple? if i'm right mr schmidt may not be all that lucky.

  • tessiee

    At this moment, David Bugnon is planning a Xena warrior princess themed "photochop" of Suzi Creamcheese on horseback.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Naked, I'm sure. With long blonde hair.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Glurk.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I know. I make myself sick, sometimes.

      • tessiee

        I was thinking more like those Wagner opera babes with the metal bra and the horned helmet (which also ties in nicely with the barnyard theme).

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yeah, those horns sure will feel right at home on that forehead.

  • Nostrildamus

    It's like something out of a fairy tale – where Suzi Schmidt is the queen and the feedbag is Snow White.

  • Negropolis

    I know she must have been hungry, but it was very rude of her to poach another animal's feed bag. Ms. Meth-face, this does not play in Peoria, let me tell you.

    How is this woman not governor yet?

    Well, she is a state senator in Illinois. She'd have to be a Democrat for those shenanigans to elevate her to the governor's office, there.

  • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Wonkette, Refudiated

    My belief system is this. If I feel threatened, and I do carry a gun in all things I drive, I do, it is my right, as anything, delivered without government. If I yell at a seven year old what am I to do if I gave him several warnings to shoot him?(?) I told the Menards store I was going to damage the bag a FULL ten minutes with gun in hand which in this country is a right at lowest cost – because it's PRIVATE.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Sarah? Sarah Palin, is that YOU?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what it is, too.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        So, essentially, all brontosaurii are badly rolled logs of plasticine?

      • bobbert

        Thank you, Anne.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          That's Ms Elke, to you.

  • not that Radio

    Did she wear the feedbag over her head? That's what I would have done.

    • CapnRadio

      SOMEone's feeling his oats!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        And anyone else's wut he can get his handz on!

  • zedbot

    Sweet fancy Moses.

    • CapnRadio

      More like sweat fatty Mooses, amirite?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You am indeed.

        • zedbot

          Youisrite. Dog help us.

  • Warpde

    Uhmmm!…Looks like she missed a spot….Yeah! That's it …That chunk of feed left on her forehead.
    Dead giveaway.

  • deelzebub

    Once again, my home, you make me proud.

  • AncienReggie

    Legislators of Walmart?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    How is this woman not governor yet?

    In Illinois being crazy isn't enough–to be elected governor a politician has to be ultra-corrupt, stealing money with both hands until he gets caught.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Nothing hotter than a bad girl behind bars. Well, other than the cirque de suckay.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I'd hit that.
    Strap a 2×4 across my ass while I snort this Viagra boys…. I'm going in.

    Nah, just kidding.

  • tessiee

    "I told my girlfriend I wanted her to talk dirty to me. So she said, 'Get the fuck off me, you fat bastard!'" — Rodney Dangerfield

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      My partner's an amateur entomologist. His idea of "talk dirty to me" is a lecture on pootering spiders, or sorting caterpillar frass.

      SeXXXay!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, that should save money on the pay-per-view porn part of the hotel bill when you go out of town, as long as they have Animal Planet and National Geographic channel in the room.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Scientists can be very humourless about their particular field. He doesn't care to have his lectures on the jumping spiders of Papua Niugini interrupted by pron.

  • Isyaignert

    Yup, she's got Republicon crazy eyes.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Is that pic her mug shot? People smiling for mug shots is so wrong. If you can't see the shame it shouldn't count. (Media training consultants are ruining everyone's fun!)

  • Pap Finn

    Aileen Wuornos is alive, well, and fuckin' up your feedbag in Illinois, folks.

  • DahBoner

    damaging her neighbor's feed bag

    Is this 'code' for taking away the neighbor's McFood???

  • lochnessmonster

    Local reports have Suzi saying that she told the 7 yr old her ex was having an affair with her estranged husband…and I don't know why she isn't governor yet…

  • ttommyunger

    …but why use Tom DeLay's mug shot?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, Suzy Creamcheese really let herself go after she left the band and got married.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Eghads … no one told me that Bachmann Crazy Eyes Syndrome was contagious.

  • Wonderthing

    The feedbag should go over her head.

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