There she is, Miss Amercia.

Illinois crazytime state lawmaker update alert newsbreak: GOP state Senator Suzi Schmidt, the curiously thrilled human pictured at left, was arrested for, uh, “damaging” an animal feed bag belonging to the neighbors and was later served with an “emergency stalking no contact order.” This is the same Suzi Schmidt who last year preemptively phoned 911 dispatchers on Christmas to first inform them of her official title and then instruct them to ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse and then bragged that her husband was “afraid” of her connections. How is this woman not governor yet?

From the local ABC News station:

The state senator was arrested on a warrant when a deputy spotted her at a Menards store in Gurnee Tuesday. She is charged with criminal damage to property and criminal trespass to property. Both are misdemeanors.

Schmidt is accused of damaging a neighbor’s animal feed bag last week, and there reportedly was some kind of argument.

Authorities say she has been harassing the neighbors for the last year. A court order shows she sent several harassing texts and emails to the neighbors and allegedly had a confrontation with the neighbors’ 7-year-old son.

Authorities also outfitted the Lake Villa Republican with an emergency stalking, no-contact order, concerning her neighbors.

Yeah, we were hoping for a few more details around that whole “accused of damaging a neighbor’s animal feed bag” part of it, too. But that is why God gave you imaginations, children! And Illinois politicians. [ABC News/Chicago Tribune]

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  • Tundra Grifter

    That's the mug I expected to see in the story about Kallie giving her fellow Border Patrol agent a public jump start.

  • SorosBot

    By attacking a seven-year-old she's going after her intellectual superior.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      It's never smart to get on the wrong side of your Meth dealer, either.

      • NellCote71

        My thoughts, too. Classic meth visage.

    • GemlikeFlame

      The Palin is strong in this one.

  • MissTaken

    allegedly had a confrontation with the neighbors’ 7-year-old son.

    This is why your parents told you to never accept candy animal feed bags from strangers.

    • flamingpdog

      The hard part for the kid would be that she looks like an animal and a cracker.

    • It concerns me what that confrontation consisted of. Did she go all "Girls Gone Wild" on him?

  • Well Suzi looks like she's totally Schmidt-faced.

  • emmelemm

    "How is this woman not governor yet?"


    • scvirginia

      Because she can't figure out how to intimidate quite that many people into voting for her? Maybe?

      • Hell, all she has to do is get her pitcher in the papers or on teevee!

        • Hi Z. How are you tonight? I haz teh sadz.

          • What's the matter, sweetpea? You know you can always tell me. C'mere, let me hug you and make you feel better.

          • *wraps feathered self in Z's arms.Stupid adorable girl broke up with me.

          • Oh, NOES!

            Now remember, teh laydeez, they are always changing their minds. Why, many's the time the ex-wife threw me out only to invite me back in again (woman couldn't make her mind up for five minutes in a row about ANYthing). Poor little feathered bird! Did she say it's totes OVAH, or was she just mad? (Hugs the little star)

          • That's the thing. She breaks up with me every three days. I'm too old for such nonsense. But she's so adorable. Sigh…

          • tessiee

            I have a saying about guys like that, the kind who don't value me enough or treat me well. It goes like this:

            "Needs more competition"

          • Thanks Tess. it's not like people are lining up to date me, but I should try to get out more.

          • Well, you won't know until you get out there and flirt with a few of them, sweetie.

          • tessiee

            Part 1:

            OK, this is corny and embarrassing beyond belief, but it helped me, so I'm sharing it:

            Right after my marriage broke up, I was pursued by the Guy from Hell. Years later, I read that Lucifer started out as the most beautiful angel, and I *immediately* pictured Corey [fake name] as I once saw him, with his long blond hair backlit by the afternoon sun shining through a window.

            He wants, he don't want, I'm obsessed, he's obsessed, he tortures me emotionally, as if I weren't already on the verge of a full-on, crying-into-my-strawberry-yogurt-at-lunch nervous breakdown.

          • tessiee

            Part 2:

            So, I'm driving home, and my car radio is playing "walk like a man", and since the four seasons are from NJ, too, I turn it up and listen to the lyrics:
            "My own father said 'give it up, don't bother; the world isn't comin' to an end'. He told me 'Walk like a man, walk like a man, my son. No woman's worth crawling on the earth, so walk like a man, my son'"

            And as lame as it sounds (and I did warn you it was awfully corny), I had an epiphany. OK, I had to reverse the genders, but you get the point. I thought, "I don't need this shit", and cut it off, like that, which I'd never before been able to do with anybody.

          • tessiee

            Part 3:

            About a month later, I met The Boy Who Wouldn't Do Anything, who, whatever other flaws he may have had, loved me like a devoted puppy and told me constantly that I was wonderful and beautiful, and was with him for five years.

            To this day, something will remind me of Corey, like say I'll hear that song "You're my Obsession", and I'll think "Jeez Louise, I really dodged a bullet with that one!"

          • You sure did! Good thing your survival instincts are STRONG.

            The thing is, we all fall in love with the wrong people at some point. It takes real courage and determination to realize it and walk away, no matter how sweet it is.

          • Crank_Tango

            EXACTLY! Let the free market decide–I think someone is in need of an invisible hand job!

          • Oh jesus. That's my ex-wife. She's totes adorable. Brilliant, beautiful, sexy, smarter than god. She also can't make her mind up about ANYthing. ANYthing. We stuck it out for TEN FUCKING YEARS. Example conversation:

            Adorable Wife: Let's go out to dinner
            Me: Fine. What would you like for dinner.
            AW: I don't know. You decide.
            Me: We haven't had Mexican food in a while, let's go to Mama's Taqueria.
            AW: Wonderful. (burble little happy noises of enjoyment)
            (Halfway there)
            AW: Can we have Chinese food instead?
            Me: Sure. Whatever makes you happy, baby.
            (Halfway there)
            AW: You know what? I think I'd prefer the Mexican food
            Me: (through gritted teeth) OK. Now you're sure about that, right? Because I'm gonna have to take that freeway across town.
            AW: Absolutely. (makes enchanting purring noises)
            (Ten minutes later)
            AW: You know, sushi would be wonderful on a warm night like this.

            Sometimes she would change her mind as I was PARKING THE FUCKING CAR.

          • mayor_quimby

            I'm assuming you lived in a state with strong gun control laws, since you are not currently in jail. ( I assume our Wonket is banned in prison)

          • Our Wonketz is probably definitely banned in all but, you know, enlightened Dutch prisons, or something. We have very strong gun control laws here, and the above was an actual real conversation, and one of the better ones. This is a woman who owned more shoes than Imelda Marcos and could not pass a shoe store without "just popping in to see." Which usually took two or three hours, and since she didn't like driving, I was her designated chauffeur. I love her, I always will, but she nearly drove me insane.

          • Also, too: What Crank_Tango said. Nobody's adorableness is THAT fucking precious. You'll be glad you dumped her later. Trust me on this.

          • Yeah, I've pretty much made up my mind to dump her completely. Okcupid hasn't been all that great for me. I'm thinking BiCupid maybe.

          • Crank_Tango

            Whatever it takes–I did about a solid month on teh cupidz, and went from the miserable not yet ready phase, through several dates without promise, and then it just clicked.

            It's funny what we will put up with from the wrong person just because we haven't met the right person, but the only way to meet the right one is to meet a shit ton of wrong ones first.

          • You're absolutely right. And thanks for the encouragement. You're very sweet.

          • OKCupid, BiCupid, your local alt weekly. Whatever it takes, sugar.

          • Gah! Html fail. What I meant is:

          • Geezus, those people! Stay away from them, my sweet pretty little baby. Surely there's MUCH better fish in any sea.

          • Imma go to bed now, but I wanted to return the favor and give you a movie recommendation: Local HeroIf I stick it in my dropbox folder, and give you the link, maybe you can watch it that way? It's not on Netflix

          • (Hugs the girl) Won't be able to watch it tonight, though, sweetie.

            Sleep well. Wake rested and refreshed.

          • It's a pretty good movie.

          • Thank you, DW. I'll remember that.

          • Yeah, this is one of the very few movies that I like that isn't bleak and depressing. It's wonderful and inspiring.

          • Does it not rule? I'm a scenery freak, so that helps.

          • Is this it, sweetpea?

          • Hey! It's on Netflix!

          • Cool. I hope you enjoy it. It's one of my faves.

          • It's on the list, sweetpea. How you doin?

          • I am much better today, thanks to all the wonkeratti who helped me out with my adorable girl troubles last night. How are you?

          • Good, darlin'. Achy, but good.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            y'all are so cute…hell I'm supposed to be MARRIED in less than 3 weeks (June 30th to be precise) and we've broken up 3 TIMES just in the last 48 hours! (who knew wedding planning could be so stressful, where's Mary Magdalene when I need her?)

          • Well, congratulations! Try to stay together till the happy day at least! Afterwards, well, hell. Good luck, that's all.

          • Crank_Tango

            Do what I did–Join the gym, sign up for OKCupid, and forget all about her.
            Trust me, there is someone much better and more adorable out there who will just love your star fangled nuts.
            "Keep your pecker hard and your powder dry, and the world will turn."

          • Thanks, CT!

          • Imo butt in here. Uninvited of course. But here's my take on it. I'm old and been down the road and back a few times.

            You have to be willing to live alone and by yourself mentally and physically and be ABLE to do so before you can live through having a roommate, partner, whatever you call it. At this point in my life I don't put up with any bullshit. Nor does my spouse and we both like it that way. Doesn't mean neither of us spews it from time to time but we recognize it for what it is and just move on. If there is not something in your relationship that connects you so that you can just let minutia roll off of your back then RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

            Trust me, baby. There are just too many other fish out there. Falling in love and *having* love are two very different things.

            And there is no GD way I would tolerate (nor would my spouse) anyone changing their minds that many times about where to eat without heading to the ER to find out what can be done about the brain tumor.

            This advice is free. Take it for what you paid for it.

          • (Hugs the Belle) You're very sweet. I think the ex had ADHD, or something, myself. Pretty girls. Can't live with them, can't bear life without them.

  • SmutBoffin

    Uh, some kinda "pony play" situation gone awry?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Earning your moniker I see.

      • Speaking of monikers. Care to explain how one goes from BagOfMice to BoatOfVelociraptors?

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Getting my twitter account phished while drunk. The whole grammatical construct was designed to preserve identity through various accounts, so bagofmice, bagofbats, bagofelephants, etc. Boat of velociraptors was a Jurassic Park inspired way to probe the security of twitter, and I liked it.

    • Guppy

      "As" or "with?"

      • Oh, definitely "as." Most animals would hotfoot it away after one look.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I don't know about damaging one, but at the risk of making a value judgment here I'd say Suzi may have put on the old feed bag a few too many times.

  • The meth is strong with this one

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      That's in chicken feed.

  • MissTaken

    ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse

    Fucking Suzi, didn't your momma tell you to save your get out of jail free card for when you call the police to tell them to your ignore your neighbors if they just happen to call in to report you for animal feed bag abuse. Crying wolf, Suzi. Crying wolf.

  • mavenmaven

    As long as she films it, and yells "I'm going to shoot first", its ok if she kills her neighbors.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I think I'll go turn the music down…

    • Something something fear of my life also too.

  • MissTaken

    Suzi Schmidt just rocketed up the VEEP short list with this one.

    • SorosBot

      She might secure the nod if she straps her neighbors' chickens to the roof of her car.

      • Or does a televised interview in front of a chicken slaughtering machine running in the background

    • emmelemm

      About as much experience, vetting, qualification, etc. as the Lady Palin. In other words, "Why not?"

  • She tossed the bag of chicken feed into a swamp.

    She seems to be less corrupt and more batshit crazy

    • flamingpdog

      Maybe she misread the bag as chicken seed and figured if she threw it in the swamp that she could grown some chickens.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Bet that head knows what it's like to be shoved into a feedbag.

    • Isn't she a bit more like the other end of the horse MH3?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Welcome to Romney's Fantasy Veep Team, Senator!

  • Hedley_Lamarr

    Gonna need more than some piece of cop paper to stop Frau Blucher.

    • MosesInvests


      • ttommyunger

        Too funny!

  • Goonemeritus

    The heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that involves a neighbor, a feedbag and several unwilling animals.

    • tessiee

      Rodell Vereen approves of this comment:,0

      • Geezus. Don't these people know about CONSENT?

    • not that Radio

      And a seven-year-old child.

      • Just reading the testimony of the kids who testified against Jerry Sandusky. Geezus.

        • not that Radio

          Guh. Sorry about that.

          • How is LittleSusieNotThat DeweyRadio, by the bye? Last pitchers of her revealed a Growing Girl and I'll bet she barely even looks like that any more. Hugs to her and her Mom.

  • neiltheblaze

    Is she related to Mean Jean?

    • Angry_Marmot

      I'm thinking Large Marge.

      • I was thinking Mema.

        • Oh god. That horrible fat old woman with the black fingernails and the mean self-righteous rant about the n*-word? That woman?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    That picture with the words feed bag in the title? Come on, its like you don't even want to challenge us anymore.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mitt Romney would pick her to be his Vice President, but he is afraid of her connections.

    • tessiee

      Also, the chickens pooped all over the car elevator, and the poop gummed up the gears so badly that even the servants couldn't get it out.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let me guess: She is a member of the Tea Party?

  • Crank_Tango

    Yet another Chicago-style Nobama thug demoncrap, eh?

    • After she stole the feedbag she called her neighbors up and said: "I got this thing and it's fucking golden."

      • not that Radio

        If it's a large enough feedbag, she could parachute her there.

    • No way. This nut job is GOP from northern suburbs. Practically Wisconsin. I blame Reince Priebus

  • Doktor Zoom

    Thanks for puttin' on the feed bag!
    Thanks for going all out!
    Thanks for showin' me your Swiss Army Knife!
    Love and kisses ex-ex-ex zero-zero-zero!

    –Laurie Anderson, "Let X = X"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Who's her husband? Pee Wee Herman?

    • Guppy

      No, Pee Wee was busy getting it on with the Border Patrol chick.

      • emmelemm

        I thought Pee Wee swung the other way…

  • TribecaMike

    That's not a headline you see everyday, but I don't live in a rural area.

    • I do. It's always "Feedbag this", and "Feedbag that".

      • TribecaMike

        Those feckin' Feedbaggers. Grumble grumble.

        • Negropolis


          We have got to make this a thing, okay?

  • PubOption

    There's something else going wrong at the Wonket. The Tribune link wouldn't work, and the ABC link redirected to a 2009 Wonkabout page.

    • flamingpdog

      That happened to me on another Wonkette post last week. I'm thinking the recent Wonkette "upgrade" may have been like all the "upgrades" that Comcast is always bragging to me about.

      • PubOption

        So far, Wonkette isn't charging more for the 'upgrades'.

      • glamourdammerung

        I am pretty sure it is a word press/intense debate issue as I had a link get muffed that I even verified worked the other day.

  • Not_So_Much

    Even without the feedbag, Anne Romney's spare dressage horse looks terrible in this picture.

    • Spare HORSE? Ann RMONEY doesn't have a SPARE HORSE, she has a spare HERD.

    • Negropolis

      Mmmm…ranch dressage…mmmm…

      • *Some*body's HUNGRY.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        One way to stay glued to the screen.

  • Schmannnity

    Is this Shellie Zimmerman's mama?

  • OldWhiteLies

    This is the kind of thing that makes me think that any greeting card company worth their salt could devote an entire product line to "Condolences Regarding Your Crazy-Assed Neighbo[u]r"

    • tessiee

      Yeah, no kidding.
      I had a friend who moved to a new house (this was in Ohio, not Illinois) and didn't realize the neighbors were crazy:
      Phone: Ring a ling!
      Friend: Hello?
      Neighbor [on phone]: I can see your fence.
      Friend: Um… OK.
      Neighbor: So you have to take it down!
      Friend: What?
      Neighbor: Because I can see your fence! Take it down!
      Friend: Um, no.
      So she checked, and made sure that the fence was within the property line, not blocking anything, not too high for a residential fence, etc., and it was OK. So she comes home from work one day, the fence is gone, and there's a fire in the neighbor's yard.
      Friend: Hey, have you seen my fence?
      Neighbor: No.
      Friend: Because I notice it's not there since I left for work this morning.
      Neighbor: Oh.
      Friend: What happened to it?
      Neighbor [shrug]: I dunno.
      Friend: You didn't… [gestures at fire] take it down and set it on fire over there, did you?
      Neighbor: Nope!

      • Wow. That reminds me of when I lived in a tiny town in Maine way, way back in the day, and our neighbors would get on the party line and scream at us for not going to church.

        • not that Radio

          How Christian of them!

      • Boy, that's some NUTBAG levels of denial.

  • DaSandman

    Glad to see they've emptied the mental hospitals in Illinois. How'd you like to be living across the hedgerow from THAT?

    • There'd be a bustle in your hedgerow for sure.

      • MosesInvests

        But don't be alarmed, now.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I'd be very alarmed.

    • Angry_Marmot

      That's a lot of May Queen.

      • I think it might kind of spread into June and July also, too.

      • flamingpdog

        I kind of doubt her stairway could possibly lie on a whispering wind.

        • Not unless it was hurricane strength, pdog.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The damage to the feed bag is not the real story — the real story involves a three-foot long prosthetic horse penis, which the authorities are still too mortified to mention.

    • chascates

      So her hobby is animal husbandry?

    • Guppy

      Oh, come on! In that part of the state, I'm sure the deputies have a pre-filled form for that kind of stuff.

      • glasspusher

        Animal molestation Mad Libs! I like it!

    • Barrelhse

      Where did they find it? And why would anyone look THERE?

  • First you get the feedbag. Then you get the power.

    • scvirginia

      Damn, that is DEEP.

  • SexySmurf

    Things just got ugly.

    • Blueb4sunrise


    • Barrelhse


    • She's looked that way all her life, dear.

    • Negropolis


      I know, I know. Low-hanging fruit. So sue me, why don't you.

  • DrunkIrishman

    She has more spots on her face than Andrew Beckett in Philadelphia.

    • TribecaMike

      Getting pecked by a yard full of chickens was really what she was after all along.

      • NellCote71

        Four-letter word. Meth.

    • Barrelhse

      It's not her fault. Her face caught on fire and they put it out with a pitchfork.

  • Steverino247

    OT: Latest results in the judicial count in San Diego County (and it's not good news) With 13,500 absentee/provisional ballots left to be counted, Kreep leads by 216 votes:

    SUPERIOR COURT – Office No. 34

    GARY GEORGE KREEP 197376 50.03%

    GARLAND PEED 197160 49.97%

    • scvirginia

      Let's hope the absentees were sober when they voted.

    • Blueb4sunrise


    • Barrelhse

      Cat crept into the crypt, Kreeped, and crept out.

    • bobbert

      Is whoever's counting these ballots related to Kathy Nickolaus?

      • Yeah, that's something I'd worry about.

      • tessiee

        Or Katherine Harris?

    • Please god let 13,000 of the remaining 13,500 be for Garland Peed PLEEZ.

      • Steverino247

        Our Registrar of Voters is as straight as you can get. There are no shenanigans with this counting. The problem is that nearly 400,000 people flipped a coin when they marked their ballot in this race and the RoV is merely reporting the results of all those random coin flips. It's like being a proctor in a math class during probability week.

        Oh, and Orly Taitz is still in fifth place in the US Senate race.

        • Does this mean we'll have a Kreep on the court? I know, I know, what difference does it make, we've got so many there already.

          I thought Orly, like Joe LIEberman, was tied with four others for second place!

    • Negropolis

      Besides the humorous last names, is there anything else interesting about this race? I really don't know, because I haven't been paying attention.

      • Kreep is a Teabagger who was voted Most Useless Fucking Wanker EVAH by his county bar association. Garland Peed, who goes by Gary, has been rated the best, and has a long and impressive career as DA (I believe?) along with his unfortunate name. Why Kreep is winning this, I don't know, but it IS San Diego, home to military nutbags and Feedbaggers.

  • coolhandnuke

    She earned the Blue Ribbon at the 2011 Illinois State Fair in Whack-a-Moleing. Her hard-scrabble mole noggin destroyed 36 mallets in the competition.

    • Barrelhse

      She placed in the "Large Women and Small Cattle" category, too.

  • M. Szyslak

    How long's hubby been into zoophilia (formerly beastiality)? Oh wait…Sorry…

  • chascates

    Reboot the server or something, the links are wanky.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    OT but abortions are up locally in Richmond:

    • Oh, I thought you were referring to the *politicians* there, for a minute.

    • tessiee

      I don't wish to be cruel, but it strikes me as just a wee bit odd that this story would run in a publication with a name like "Style Weekly".
      *runway announcer voice*
      You can tell it's almost bathing suit season! All the *trendiest* fashionistas are having their abortions this week. And, if you bring the coupon from the latest Weekly Shopper, you get a free brazilian, too.

      • Ya know? I wonder what their target market is.

  • An_Outhouse

    When my neighbor confronted me when I was seven, I called her a bitch. We had no problems after that. Deep down, bullies are pussies. Her kids were assholes, too.

    • Negropolis

      If I'd called anyone a bitch at the age of seven and my parents found out, I wouldn't have been able to sit for a week.

      • I was just thinking that.

        At LEAST a week.

      • UW8316154

        Good lord, when I was seven, I don't think I had ever even heard the word outside the context of the Boxers my parents showed.

      • An_Outhouse

        I guess my parents didn't find out :)

  • CthuNHu

    Authorities also outfitted the Lake Villa Republican with an emergency stalking, no-contact order, concerning her neighbors.

    Now that's a mighty fine outfit. Does it come with an extra-extra-long-sleeved shirt?

    • Crosses in the back, buckles in the front.

    • OneYieldRegular

      And an extra-extra-large feed bag.

      • For that extra-extra-large girl.

  • Callyson

    How is this woman not governor yet?

    Ms Schmidt, I have the Kochs on line one: something about funding your campaign…

  • Oh look! Everyone's faces seems to have returned!

    What are we talking about, again?

  • Her initials (SS) seem quite appropriate.

  • Guppy

    Now now, they did have nice hair on a sitting governor for a while.

  • Barrelhse

    She may have mistaken it for her own feedbag. We all get a little cranky when we're hungry.

    • That Frito-Lay, always on the cutting edge of the packaged foods business!

      • not that Radio
        • That was offensive.

          • tessiee

            But remarkably easy to masturbate to.

          • Just went there again after reading your comment, had a change of heart, and now I want to eat that damn thing. Love me some chili with lots of raw onion, grated cheese, and chips. One little Frito bag would not subdue my passion.

          • not that Radio

            Behold the power of Frito Pie.

          • tessiee

            I'm sure it's good in that sinful way, but "frito pie" sounds like some disgusting sex act involving food, genitals, and feet.

          • not that Radio

            [checks urbandictionary]


          • tessiee

            Is it me, or do all the definitions in urban dictionary sound like they're written by 12-year-old boys who have never had sex, hate women very much, and don't have a very good grasp of the way the human body works?

          • It should be pretty obvious they've never had sex with a real human female. Anyone who tried half that shit on most of the women I know would end up with a broken baculum.

          • not that Radio

            12-year-old boys who have never had sex, and seem somehow duty-bound to include "poop-on-the-face" in everything they do. The first dozen or so entries were probably pretty funny and irreverent, and now it's become like a chore — "alright, how can I work pooping on someone's face into THIS act?"

          • They're definitely stuck in the anal phase, as it were.

          • Barrelhse

            Sex sells.

          • It looked good to me too.

  • sbj1964

    She's a Keeper Mom.As soon as I get my degree in punch card computing I'm a goin to marry her!

  • The links are broken!

  • Vice presidential material!

  • Turns out Suzi is claiming her estranged husband, whom she abused, was having an affair with the neighbour lady, which the neighbour lady strenuously denies. Suzi Schmidt will not be running in the upcoming election. With any luck, her place will be taken by a Democrat.

    • I get the distinct impression she'll be running for queen of the psych ward.

      • I'm inclined to be biased against her because she is fat, old, and not very attractive, and my Corporate Masters tell me that fat old unattractive women do not deserve my attention. But I really think she's having a breakdown. I'm not sure anybody deserves to go through what she's going through. It looks like she's falling apart quite publicly. And now, of course, I can't find it in my heart to wish ill on her. Such a wuss.

        If I was Lord of the Universe, it would be some kind of peaceful fucking vegetarian paradise of self-consuming slime mold, or something. No violence or cruelty, sure, but fucking boring as all get out, too.

        • peaceful fucking vegetarian paradise of self-consuming slime moldWhat?! No Wonkette?And yeah, I always end up feeling bad for crazy people too. It's not the mentally ill who cause the world's ills. They are statistically farmore likely to be victims of violence and grift. It's the motherfuckers with the personality disorders who cause all the trouble. 'Sides, I kinda like her grin.

          • I'm finding it very hard to like her at all. She reminds me of my mother. Fat, ragey, shouty, crazy lady. But still. I hope she just drops out of the public eye and sorts her shit out. I'd hate to be going through her crazy.

            We'd have to have a Wonket. It would be too boring otherwise. And I ain't giving up meat either.

          • Fetus barbecue!Oh, and my guitar wants to kill your mama.

          • Well, my guitar wants to burn your Dad, young lady.

          • Guitars gone wild!

          • They're good for prepping a fetus for barbecue. (Smack! flatten them out. Like those Italian chickens.)

    • tessiee

      So, depending on which version of the story you believe, either:
      a) dumpy, unattractive, middle-aged woman found out her husband is having an affair with neighbor lady and lost her shit,
      b) neighbor lady was always pleasant to husband of dumpy, unattractive, middle-aged woman, but nothing more, and now that DUMAW has gone around the bend, neighbor lady is counting her lucky stars and thinking, "Jeeze Louise, I sure dodged a bullet *there*!"

      Either way, totally cut out for a LIfetime Channel movie. Sandra Bullock as the neighbor, Julia Styles as the psycho, Bill Paxton as the husband, and the chickens can play themselves.

      • I really feel sorry for the neighbour lady. Having the local nutbag harass your 7-y.o. is a bit much. But, yeah, I'm totes ready for a movie about chickens, goddammit. They just don't get enough respect.

  • OT: Iowa cafe owner says Romney was so sloppy and rude at campaign stop "you'd think it was Obama"

    • As someone at Democratic Underground said, if Obama was there he would have also wrecked the place and been obnoxious to her – but would have taken the time to burn the place down on the way out the door.

    • Jesus, the Wonketz is turning into Heifer Central lately. Are there any normal-sized people left in Amercia to report on?

      • Nostrildamus

        Bloat is the new normal.

        • I'm going on a permanent diet of chips and water.

      • glamourdammerung

        Republicans and their "personal responsibility" philosophy of "if it feels good, do it" tends to create a lot of plus size morons.

    • glamourdammerung

      Because I am sure that President Obama went to this "fine" establishment before and was a total jerk.

      It must be wonderful to be a Republican since they have such careful lives that they have to make up things to be scared and angry about.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Yeah, if there's one thing that comes to mind when I think Obama it's "sloppy and rude."
      Whatever you think of his politics, he is personable and a charmer. And I'm sure he knows what donuts are.

    • Blueb4sunrise


      Actually, I'm gonna be a little kind here [probably just an afterglow from Jesse Kelly getting STOMPED!] and suggest that what she meant was the hubbub and security that she imagines would go along with a visit from an actual sitting Pres.


        • tessiee

          Obama tries to get napkin out of overfilled napkin dispenser on diner table. It rips, leaving him with one-third of a napkin. He *very carefully* tries again, working around the two-thirds of a napkin still stuck in there. It rips again, worse. He does this several more times, using a fork, the blade of a butter knife, etc. with the results becoming increasingly worse each time, and finally blows his stack:
          "I HAVE HAD IT…
          *throws napkin dispenser on floor*
          Michelle, mortified, hustles the kids back to the car. On the way out the door, the little one pipes up, "Ma, Daddy said a bad word".

      • You are TOO MUTHAFUCKIN KIND, muthafucka.

    • She spoke to Romney on the phone, but says his apology seemed to be mocking her. Wow.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        When Barry was 10, he realized that he'd need just such a diner owner, and went to Bill Ayers for advice. They bred a few IVF babies and had them raised as normal Iowans knowing that someday they'd be needed.

        • Would you please get a Twitter account as YoungRepub or something and plant this meme? It would be great if the RWNJs would fall for it.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Sounds like too much work. Maybe someone will just search the googlez for Ayers, find the comment, and take it from there.

          • Slacker.

        • scvirginia

          I read that in his autobiography. Pretty soon some freak GOP'er will learn to read & also see it…

      • scvirginia

        Was she wearing a plastic poncho & watching NASCAR? Doesn't matter- he mocks us all…

    • Negropolis

      THAT sums up the entire upcoming election. Romney could be (and is) a complete boor…but at least he's not black.

      • If only that were the sum total of his deficiencies! He is a boor, and a graceless, classist, incompetent, charmless, soulless, unattractive, inhumane, unfeeling, narrow, restricted, limited, blinkered, obnoxious steaming pile of supremacist shit.

        But at least he's not a brilliant, tireless, charming, gracious, learned, empathetic, humane BLACK dude.

        • tessiee

          I'd say that he should just say "fuck it", and make his official slogan:
          "Romney: He's White"
          except that if he really did that, it would actually *help* him, because people suck.

    • not that Radio
    • miss_grundy

      I bet the Prez had better table manners. Iowans are pigs.

    • Jesus H. Christ on a funnel cake, after listening to this cafe lady's whinging and seeing her patriotic teddy bears and her blank stare, my heart went out to Romney for a fleeting second having to make chit-chat with the hoi polloi and keep a grin plastered on and know what a donut is. The feeling has now passed, fuck Romney.

  • flamingpdog

    I wuz outta town for the last three days and not paying much attention to the news. Thank you, (my new Wonkette goddess) Kirsten, for renewing my lack of faith in humanity. Drink!

  • TribecaMike

    I've heard of seeing pink elephants, but thath ridiculuth.

  • Beowoof

    To bad Hitchcock is gone, I see her life story as a Hitch movie. Either that or One Belongs in the Cuckoo's Nest.

    • TribecaMike

      Yes, "Marnie" without the cold yet hot blond.

      • I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

        • TribecaMike

          Hitch did make a movie called "Lifeboat" in 1944.

          • I saw dat.

            Big Hitch fan, in case it wasn't obvious.

    • tessiee

      I was imagining it as a "Law and Order" episode, with the "plink plink" sound effect and Vincent D'Onofrio doing his cheap Columbo takeoff.

    • not that Radio

      I'm sure David Cronenberg could do something with it.

      • What, we'd better not say.

      • Beowoof

        Maybe David Lynch.

        • not that Radio

          I considered that, but then I tried to picture Suzi in that (NSFW) front yard scene from Blue Velvet, and I thought better of it.

    • Nostrildamus

      Dial F for Feedbag

    • BlueStateLibel

      No, a Warner Herzog movie.

      I want to see Warner Herzog do a documentary of Mitt Rmoney, gently chiding him for being so foolish to think he could tame the beasts of the Mid-West.

  • IL still has nicer things than a lot of surrounding states I could mention, not to mention certain boils on the Mexican border.

  • rocktonsam

    "emergency stalking no contact order"

    thats what we call it in Wisconsin after the smelt fry and a dozen Spotted Cows or so also

  • Suzi Schmidt likes to dress up as J. Edgar Hoover, and keeps detailed surveillance files on her neighbors' livestock. They were about to discover her webcam in the feedbag, so she had to detonate it remotely.

    • Apparently, they found her hiding in the bushes on their property, taking photos of their cars.

      Something seriously wrong with this woman.

      • TribecaMike

        I'm just glad Goober Pyle didn't live to see this.

      • I don't know why that made me giggle, but it did. I can just picture it.

    • tessiee

      Of course, J. Edgar liked to dress up as Suzi Schmidt, so it only seems fair.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Vivian Vance libel!

        • That was a great, and hilarious, story.

        • tessiee

          It's a somewhat awesome story, but I'm not convinced. When they weren't trying to make Vivian Vance look unattractive and frowzy for her Ethel Mertz role, she was actually surprisingly attractive:

          Scroll down, she's # 11.

          • bobbert

            Thank you for the underused word "frowsy".

          • TribecaMike

            Supposedly it was in Viv's contract that she had to stay above a certain weight so she wouldn't detract from Lucy.

          • Really? How interesting. Is this par for the course in show biz?

  • ignore her husband if he just happened to call in to report her for domestic abuse

    It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again….

  • Dashboard Buddha

    mama's got a brand new bag!

    • scvirginia

      Dude! I'm just sorry I can only upfist this once!

  • cheetojeebus

    I don't know, she looks kinda fetching. Look at the sparkle in her eye and those teeth, all nice and neat, all lined up like little soldiers. Mr Schmidt is a lucky man.

    Is the oddly cropped photo hiding a spiderweb throat tattoo? The black widow spider in the middle perched on her adam's apple? if i'm right mr schmidt may not be all that lucky.

  • tessiee

    At this moment, David Bugnon is planning a Xena warrior princess themed "photochop" of Suzi Creamcheese on horseback.

    • Naked, I'm sure. With long blonde hair.

      • Glurk.

        • I know. I make myself sick, sometimes.

      • tessiee

        I was thinking more like those Wagner opera babes with the metal bra and the horned helmet (which also ties in nicely with the barnyard theme).

        • Yeah, those horns sure will feel right at home on that forehead.

  • Nostrildamus

    It's like something out of a fairy tale – where Suzi Schmidt is the queen and the feedbag is Snow White.

  • Negropolis

    I know she must have been hungry, but it was very rude of her to poach another animal's feed bag. Ms. Meth-face, this does not play in Peoria, let me tell you.

    How is this woman not governor yet?

    Well, she is a state senator in Illinois. She'd have to be a Democrat for those shenanigans to elevate her to the governor's office, there.

  • My belief system is this. If I feel threatened, and I do carry a gun in all things I drive, I do, it is my right, as anything, delivered without government. If I yell at a seven year old what am I to do if I gave him several warnings to shoot him?(?) I told the Menards store I was going to damage the bag a FULL ten minutes with gun in hand which in this country is a right at lowest cost – because it's PRIVATE.

    • Sarah? Sarah Palin, is that YOU?

    • This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what it is, too.

      • So, essentially, all brontosaurii are badly rolled logs of plasticine?

      • bobbert

        Thank you, Anne.

  • not that Radio

    Did she wear the feedbag over her head? That's what I would have done.

    • CapnRadio

      SOMEone's feeling his oats!

      • And anyone else's wut he can get his handz on!

  • zedbot

    Sweet fancy Moses.

    • CapnRadio

      More like sweat fatty Mooses, amirite?

      • You am indeed.

        • zedbot

          Youisrite. Dog help us.

  • Warpde

    Uhmmm!…Looks like she missed a spot….Yeah! That's it …That chunk of feed left on her forehead.
    Dead giveaway.

  • deelzebub

    Once again, my home, you make me proud.

  • AncienReggie

    Legislators of Walmart?

  • How is this woman not governor yet?

    In Illinois being crazy isn't enough–to be elected governor a politician has to be ultra-corrupt, stealing money with both hands until he gets caught.

  • Nothing hotter than a bad girl behind bars. Well, other than the cirque de suckay.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I'd hit that.
    Strap a 2×4 across my ass while I snort this Viagra boys…. I'm going in.

    Nah, just kidding.

  • tessiee

    "I told my girlfriend I wanted her to talk dirty to me. So she said, 'Get the fuck off me, you fat bastard!'" — Rodney Dangerfield

    • My partner's an amateur entomologist. His idea of "talk dirty to me" is a lecture on pootering spiders, or sorting caterpillar frass.


      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, that should save money on the pay-per-view porn part of the hotel bill when you go out of town, as long as they have Animal Planet and National Geographic channel in the room.

        • Scientists can be very humourless about their particular field. He doesn't care to have his lectures on the jumping spiders of Papua Niugini interrupted by pron.

  • Isyaignert

    Yup, she's got Republicon crazy eyes.

  • Is that pic her mug shot? People smiling for mug shots is so wrong. If you can't see the shame it shouldn't count. (Media training consultants are ruining everyone's fun!)

  • Pap Finn

    Aileen Wuornos is alive, well, and fuckin' up your feedbag in Illinois, folks.

  • DahBoner

    damaging her neighbor's feed bag

    Is this 'code' for taking away the neighbor's McFood???

  • lochnessmonster

    Local reports have Suzi saying that she told the 7 yr old her ex was having an affair with her estranged husband…and I don't know why she isn't governor yet…

  • ttommyunger

    …but why use Tom DeLay's mug shot?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, Suzy Creamcheese really let herself go after she left the band and got married.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Eghads … no one told me that Bachmann Crazy Eyes Syndrome was contagious.

  • Wonderthing

    The feedbag should go over her head.

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