the knobs have it

Hero Border Patrol Chick Cold-Cocks Lady For Complaining About Public Knob-Gobbling

cockHero Border Patrol agent Kallie Helwig simply could not keep Gerald Torello Jr.’s cock out of her mouth at a recent Cirque du Soleil show in Del Mar, California (just up the road from San Diego).

Then the cold shower of other people telling them to zip the fuck up, there were kids around, finally penetrated their sodden skulls and Torello put his member back in his pants. BUT THEN!

A witness only known as “Jenny,” had been one of the most vocal audience members who had asked the pair to stop, reports 10news.com.

When Jenny, a military doctor, was leaving the show, she saw that the man and woman were waiting for her near the exit. That’s when things got violent.

“Next thing I knew, she punches me on my left temple,” said Jenny to 10news.com. “I didn’t feel the other two hits. She hit me on the right side of my jaw and the left side of my jaw.”

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Would you like to know what happened to our hero Border Patrol agent for cold-cocking a female military doctor THREE TIMES? Did you guess “misdemeanor battery citation”? Then you, and the Border Patrol agent, are a winner.

We should all just be glad that California does not have Stand Your Ground yet, enabling Halwig to legally murder “Jenny” for telling her to stop being a whore or whatever, there is always that. So … thanks! [HuffPo]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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178 comments

    1. Chichikovovich

      Noooooooooo!!!!!! Bring back shark-cat! That face is giving me PTSD. Louis Del Grande is known outside Canada for his small but memorable role in Scanners, the Citizen Kane of exploding head movies, but I know him as the writer, director and "star" of a TV series called Seeing Things that even by the standards of 1980s CBC sitcoms was abysmal. Really, painfully unwatchable. As bad as anything I've ever seen broadcast. And when you have only two TV channels (only one of them in English) as we did up north, a bad show is hard to avoid.

      On the other hand, shark-cat always reminds me of the satanic cat in The Master and Margarita, which is like, super cool.

      1. Veritas78

        Shark-cat had me predisposed to amusement before I ever glanced at the text. Now I'm think of hemorrhoidal itching. You've raised the bar for yourself, Baldar!

        1. sullivanst

          I've never been to a big top that served beer very cold…

          Plus, don't the bubbles uh… tickle, or something?

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't recall any of this kind of untoward behavior occurring when I went and saw KA in Vegas, and it's something I would remember.

  2. An_Outhouse

    This is what happens when you get depressed from all the outrgeous shit that is posted on Wonkette and start drinking too early. (Thank goodness that today, the Shell thing was fun and uplifting or who knows what would be in my mouth right now).

    1. UnholyMoses

      Thank goodness that today, the Shell thing was fun and uplifting or who knows what would be in my mouth right now

      Hi there! My name is Unholy Moses … have we met?

      Here, have a drink …

  3. finallyhappy

    wow, I went to Cirque (but not in fancy Del mar- at National Harbor- PG county)- and nothing in that show made me feel even a tiny bit sexy. Now punching someone- maybe

    1. Negropolis

      'Cause, surely, that is the most important question.

      I blame journalism schools. No attention to detail, anymore, I tells ya'. In my day, a journalist would have described in vivid detail the other actionable part of the story.

  4. MrFizzy

    You know the country is in serious decline when someone's complaining about public blowjobs. Never heard of free entertainment?

      1. redarmybarbie

        To be fair, does any one here know what they looked like? 'Cause if they're comparable to Newt and Callista, then *I* wouldn't want to watch it either…

        EDIT: Okay, so there's a picture of ONE, now what about the other?

  5. actor212

    I like how in the news video, the female officer has a photo up, but the guy who's sword she was swallowing…well, it was the circus, after all…is shown as a Wonkette anonymous avatar.

    First, which one of you guys got some?

    Second, nice touch, creeps!

    By the way, Kallie is highly fappable

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    She punches all other ladies in the jaw. It's how she's kept her title as county blowjob champion for so many years.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    When my husband goes to the movies, all he gets are Junior Mints. He'll be so bummed when he reads this story.

  8. Hera Sent Me

    When public sex in front of children is outlawed, only outlaws will have public sex in front of children.

    Urm, wait, that's a good thing.

    Plus it's too long for a bumper sticker.

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Now I have an incentive to cross over the boarder. If only TSA would start a similar incentive program, flying would be fun again!

          1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I apologize, Chet. I have been on edge since yesterday, thinking about all of our missing avatars, wandering the internet and getting into God knows what. Mine came back today with a "McCain/Palin 2008" bumper sticker on its ass and a crack pipe under its hoodie. But I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Please forgive me.

            P.S. French Canadians are almost as bad as Belgians.

          2. Chet Kincaid

            Mine had a months-long experience as a Power Commenter on Big Breitbart! On the day Breitbart died, he was loading up his guns for a drive to Washington D.C.! But then, the avatar got pulled back to my Intensedebate account, and it all felt like a dream…

          3. MittBorg

            Just wait till you spot one holding a big thing of pommes frites, and then ask them the time. If they lose all the fries looking at their wristwatch, they're Belgian. If they drop the fries to beat you up, they're Quebecois.

  10. chascates

    Build the danged fence! Maybe it'll keep those evil Cirque du Soleil out of this country!

  11. CindynEncinitas

    Why didn't they just quietly take their hot action back to the stables at the fairgrounds where they came from?

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    The reason "Jenny" asked Kallie to stop is because "Jenny's" husband had sidled over to be next in line.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Considering how drunk she must have been in order to perform this act, as well as assault this woman, it probably wasn't the visual that the other audience members took issue with, but the noise generated by the sloppiness of the beej. "Shhhhhhhhh!"

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Does the San Diego area need a new GOP congressperson? Because it sounds like they have two well qualified candidates here. And the GOP always likes a little law and order.

  15. Billmatic

    I wish my ladyfriend would be so compelled to give me oral pleasure.

    Unfortunately every time I take her out in public people give me weird looks and I eventually puncture her somehow.

  16. BoatOfVelociraptors

    When a little kneel and bobbing is more exciting than the Cirque du Soleil, you know they have to work on their show.

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, this is one of those weird moral issues. While I'm all in favor of public blow jobs that involve me, I really don't care for them when others are involved.

    1. MittBorg

      I was just thinking the same thing, Lionel. A combination of, "Gee, that would be nice" wistful crossed with "My GHOD how DARE they do that with CHIYULDRUN around shocking shocking moral degeneracy" frothing frenzy.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        The children thing would be a concern, but, then, it comes down to the quality of the blow job.

  18. coolhandnuke

    What's the difference between a border patrol agent and a rooster?

    A rooster says cockadoodledo.
    A border patrol agent says any cock will do.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Cross a rooster and an M&M and you get a cock that melts in your mouth and not in your hand.

  19. randcoolcatdaddy

    I wouldn't think that border patrol agents would get turned on like this in public unless there were handcuffs involved.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    To be fair, it was during the intermission, so it's not like they were infringing on anyone's enjoyment of the circus.

  21. CommieLibunatic

    Public fellatio and fist-fights at Cirque du Soleil? I think you're just fucking with me now.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    My favorite part is when Torello *high fives a kid* whilst getting his knob polished. So classy!

  23. elburritodeluxe

    I'm so OUTRAGED by this unprofessional behavior that I DEMAND Kallie Helwig's number immediately in order to talk to her about this (and maybe other stuff).

  24. coolhandnuke

    Seeing that she quit halfway through the blowjob, can we say she performed a Palin on him?

    1. crybabyboehner

      His love for her is undiminished,
      the last time she blew him she didn't finish.

  25. UnholyMoses

    Now see, that's the difference between a pretentious circus crowd in Whale's Vagina San Diego and a Rockfest crowd here in KC.

    At Rockfest, when a chick is blowing a guy out in the open, everyone chants "SUCK THAT COCK!"

    Thus, the only thing that comes to blows are … um … well … you get the idea.

      1. UnholyMoses

        You need to like mediocre hard rock/heavy metal and be willing to spend 12 hours listening to it whilst dealing with 50,000 drunks/potheads.

        You know, like me. (Though next year I'm using a wheelchair — my back can NOT handle all the standing and walking, so … pride will have to be sucked up as well.)

        On the bright side, other than the ticket, NOTHING costs more than $5 while there — beer, food, etc. — and water is provided for free. And that's pretty damn cool.

        1. actor212

          be willing to spend 12 hours listening to it whilst dealing with 50,000 drunks/potheads.

          So it's like Netroots Nation only with sex?

          1. UnholyMoses

            Thanks( sincerely!), and no — the back will always be fucked, as my body's warranty apparently expired nearly a decade ago (two failed back fusions, kidney stone, blown out knee, torn elbow tendons, broken tooth + root canal, gastroparesis from all the meds … all in nine years).

            Shoulda got the extended plan …

            On the bright side, MORPHINE!

            On the down side, it's like taking Tylenol for me.

            (Oxycodone, on the other hand, makes me clinically insane, which is why I won't get near the stuff– I don't wanna feel all spacey … well, not anymore.)

          2. MittBorg

            Wow. Dood. That's just terrible. (Hugs the Moses sympathetically).

            I know all about the pain meds. I can't take most of them, they just make me too nuts. Baby aspirin and rest, my ass. I wish they'd give me morphine. At least it *works.*

            Well, as I always say about MY chassis — brain by BMW, body by Ford.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    "Okay, the next contortionist-and-blowjob night we're just gonna stay in and watch Henry and June."

  27. mavenmaven

    Obviously, they were there to deport the foreigners attending Cirque De Soleil, which is obviously some kind of Mexican entertainment, and the giving head was an attempt to blend in with the illegals, which I guess must be a well known Mexican thing to do at public events. See? It all makes sense.

  28. Limeylizzie

    I loathe Cirque du Soleil, so I would be in favour of anything that would distract me from it.

  29. Antispandex

    Well, let's not judge the agent too harshly. Who hasn't wished they had something else to do when they see what Cirque du Soleil is really all about?

  30. Estproph

    Hopefully terrorists won't figure out that all they have to do to enter the US illegally is travel with a circus, and all of our border patrol agents will be overcome with hornyfever.

  31. MittBorg

    Honestly, Wonketz, U R SO CRUEL. Agent Kallie says she was feeling unwell, and had to rest her head in Agent Torello's lap, is all. And he was patting her tummy to make her feel better.

  32. Jus_Wonderin

    Dad used to have a mule named Jenny. She wouldn't toe the row either. Sometimes it just takes a plastic pipe to keep a girl in line.

  33. ttommyunger

    I'm sorry, but anyone paying good money for one of those horse and pony shows deserves whatever they get. I call it thinning the herd.

  34. LionHeartSoyDog

    "…cold-cocking a female military doctor THREE TIMES? "

    The scientific definition of cold-cock is: one punch, lights out.
    It's physically impossible to cold-cock somebody three times, unless you wait for them to regain consciousness twice and knock them out again.
    Too, also, i saw fotos of the 'military doc' and there was only light bruising. She didn't get knocked out.
    (Border patrol pigs E.S.&D., also).

  35. Tundra Grifter

    After looking at her photo, I was very surprised. I was expecting a biker chick running about two bills.

    Kallie – I'd tuck her. In!

    PS: Something tells me there's a long line of guys back at the station house with Cirque tickets, ready to ask her out.

  36. Tundra Grifter

    If you asked them about it all today, I'm sure Kallie and Gerald would go with "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

  37. Beowoof

    Okay, no one got out their cell and recorded this event. Blowjob videos sell well I can't believe there were no entrepreneurs there.

  38. voodooeconomics

    trolling this evening and read this; "cock out of her mouth" extremely disappointed.There was an article i am supposed to read..the only good thing in this article was the cock block extraordinaire getting pelted on the jaw/temple whatever.

  39. anniegetyerfun

    I actually guessed that the agent was not arrested but rather let go with a pat on the back, so I guess I don't win anything.

  40. DesertTed

    Is there a man on the planet who'd go to Cirque du Soleil without getting his cock sucked?

    Now that Jenny Bitch just ruined it for the rest of us.

  41. rocktonsam

    'look at him Smithers, strutting around like hes the cock of the walk ! ' Homer Simpson is the cock of nothing'

  42. Buckminster

    People, it's a show, this Cirque de Soleil, not a freakin' lifestyle. Get a grip or else get a motel.

  43. rdc00

    This is why I hate the stand your ground debate/bitchfest so much. California DOES have a stand your ground law. It just also has very strict limits on the use of deadly force. In California you have every right to stand your ground. In fact in California you can actively seek out situations that put you in harms way: as long as you don't instigate the fight itself you have every right to stand your ground and meet force with like force.

  44. miss_grundy

    I've never been to a Cirque du Soleil show but I didn't know that they were so boring that the audience would perform oral sex in order to liven things up. I guess that's the kind of thing Repubs get into, and then try to tell everyone else how they should live…..

  45. owhatever

    Hannity will be outraged that a hero border patrol agent is being punished for performing a normal act of love, and proving that failing public schools don't need to teach kids about sex.

Comments are closed.