the knobs have it

Hero Border Patrol Chick Cold-Cocks Lady For Complaining About Public Knob-Gobbling

cockHero Border Patrol agent Kallie Helwig simply could not keep Gerald Torello Jr.’s cock out of her mouth at a recent Cirque du Soleil show in Del Mar, California (just up the road from San Diego).

Then the cold shower of other people telling them to zip the fuck up, there were kids around, finally penetrated their sodden skulls and Torello put his member back in his pants. BUT THEN!

A witness only known as “Jenny,” had been one of the most vocal audience members who had asked the pair to stop, reports 10news.com.

When Jenny, a military doctor, was leaving the show, she saw that the man and woman were waiting for her near the exit. That’s when things got violent.

“Next thing I knew, she punches me on my left temple,” said Jenny to 10news.com. “I didn’t feel the other two hits. She hit me on the right side of my jaw and the left side of my jaw.”

Would you like to know what happened to our hero Border Patrol agent for cold-cocking a female military doctor THREE TIMES? Did you guess “misdemeanor battery citation”? Then you, and the Border Patrol agent, are a winner.

We should all just be glad that California does not have Stand Your Ground yet, enabling Halwig to legally murder “Jenny” for telling her to stop being a whore or whatever, there is always that. So … thanks! [HuffPo]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • tbogg

    Woot! San Diego, represent!

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Just booked my flight!

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Stay classy, San Diego

    • Negropolis

      Jackin' it in SAN DIEGO!

      God bless you, South Park.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Finally, a happy story.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It seems it may have even had a happy ending!

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I thought she stopped?

        • Callyson

          To be continued…

          • nounverb911

            Same Bat time, same Bat channel….

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        Happy ending interruptus.

    • Chichikovovich

      Noooooooooo!!!!!! Bring back shark-cat! That face is giving me PTSD. Louis Del Grande is known outside Canada for his small but memorable role in Scanners, the Citizen Kane of exploding head movies, but I know him as the writer, director and "star" of a TV series called Seeing Things that even by the standards of 1980s CBC sitcoms was abysmal. Really, painfully unwatchable. As bad as anything I've ever seen broadcast. And when you have only two TV channels (only one of them in English) as we did up north, a bad show is hard to avoid.

      On the other hand, shark-cat always reminds me of the satanic cat in The Master and Margarita, which is like, super cool.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Honestly, Chich, if we're going to let *others* dictate our avs …

      • Veritas78

        Shark-cat had me predisposed to amusement before I ever glanced at the text. Now I'm think of hemorrhoidal itching. You've raised the bar for yourself, Baldar!

  • IncenseDebate

    Cockamamie story.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't bleev her name is Mamie.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Cold-cocking?

    I see what you do there

    • sullivanst

      Journalistic inaccuracy – I'm sure the cock in question was quite warm.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Not if she dipped it in her beer first.

        What? I can't be the only one who's done that!? had that done to him!?

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          A boilermaker that's just the cock-of-the-walk?

        • sullivanst

          I've never been to a big top that served beer very cold…

          Plus, don't the bubbles uh… tickle, or something?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yeah!

  • Not_So_Much

    Seems a bit on the violent side to be going around with penises in her mouth.

    • Callyson

      Some dudes go for the pain, perhaps…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Helwig and the Angry Inch

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I can tell ya, it does not bolster MY confidence in the lady's oral skills.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't recall any of this kind of untoward behavior occurring when I went and saw KA in Vegas, and it's something I would remember.

    • scvirginia

      Baldar, is that you? Did you just get back from the dentist?

    • Antispandex

      Yeah, but there was that that outdoor concert I went to when I was a kid…

  • An_Outhouse

    This is what happens when you get depressed from all the outrgeous shit that is posted on Wonkette and start drinking too early. (Thank goodness that today, the Shell thing was fun and uplifting or who knows what would be in my mouth right now).

    • UnholyMoses

      Thank goodness that today, the Shell thing was fun and uplifting or who knows what would be in my mouth right now

      Hi there! My name is Unholy Moses … have we met?

      Here, have a drink …

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think we should plan a mommyblog outing.

      Let's see Cirque de Soleil!

    • Chichikovovich

      Kallie Helwig might know.

  • finallyhappy

    wow, I went to Cirque (but not in fancy Del mar- at National Harbor- PG county)- and nothing in that show made me feel even a tiny bit sexy. Now punching someone- maybe

  • Exhausted66

    Bristol Palin got a job on the border?

    • Callyson

      I see several things you did there…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Did she finish the dang blowjob?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Probably sometime after they released her from custody.

    • Negropolis

      'Cause, surely, that is the most important question.

      I blame journalism schools. No attention to detail, anymore, I tells ya'. In my day, a journalist would have described in vivid detail the other actionable part of the story.

  • MrFizzy

    You know the country is in serious decline when someone's complaining about public blowjobs. Never heard of free entertainment?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Honestly, people are SO uptight these days.

      • redarmybarbie

        To be fair, does any one here know what they looked like? 'Cause if they're comparable to Newt and Callista, then *I* wouldn't want to watch it either…

        EDIT: Okay, so there's a picture of ONE, now what about the other?

      • Negropolis

        You know, there are things that would release that tension.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I know, but then these uptight people show up and get all bent because you're getting a well-earned little tension reliever!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I like how in the news video, the female officer has a photo up, but the guy who's sword she was swallowing…well, it was the circus, after all…is shown as a Wonkette anonymous avatar.

    First, which one of you guys got some?

    Second, nice touch, creeps!

    By the way, Kallie is highly fappable

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    She punches all other ladies in the jaw. It's how she's kept her title as county blowjob champion for so many years.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea, she actually sucks….er, no pun intended.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      So, she's the Tonya Harding of cock gobblers?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    When my husband goes to the movies, all he gets are Junior Mints. He'll be so bummed when he reads this story.

    • Guppy

      He should stick to the Age-of-Consent Mints, really.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Honest, Officer. They showed me their IDs!!!

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          They were so fresh!

  • Hera Sent Me

    When public sex in front of children is outlawed, only outlaws will have public sex in front of children.

    Urm, wait, that's a good thing.

    Plus it's too long for a bumper sticker.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Hot cock. Cold cock. Yin. Yang. Circle jerk of life.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I bet the illegals like it when Agent Kallie hauls them in.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      She's the honey pot.

      Actually, given Torello's, errr, complexion, that may very well occur.

    • scvirginia

      Maybe not the illegal ladies, so much.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Now I have an incentive to cross over the boarder. If only TSA would start a similar incentive program, flying would be fun again!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Fucking eleetist French fucking circus.

    • nounverb911

      They seem to infest Redmond, WA every winter.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Quebecois, not French.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        OH, WELL I GUESS THAT'S OKAY THEN!!!?!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

          YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL AT ME!! (Sobs hysterically)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (Hugs the Chet) See what you DID? You SEE? He's a SENsitive soul!

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I apologize, Chet. I have been on edge since yesterday, thinking about all of our missing avatars, wandering the internet and getting into God knows what. Mine came back today with a "McCain/Palin 2008" bumper sticker on its ass and a crack pipe under its hoodie. But I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Please forgive me.

            P.S. French Canadians are almost as bad as Belgians.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

            Mine had a months-long experience as a Power Commenter on Big Breitbart! On the day Breitbart died, he was loading up his guns for a drive to Washington D.C.! But then, the avatar got pulled back to my Intensedebate account, and it all felt like a dream…

          • Negropolis

            Walloons libel!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Just wait till you spot one holding a big thing of pommes frites, and then ask them the time. If they lose all the fries looking at their wristwatch, they're Belgian. If they drop the fries to beat you up, they're Quebecois.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Hey you two, get a circus auditorium why dontcha!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ha!

  • chascates

    Build the danged fence! Maybe it'll keep those evil Cirque du Soleil out of this country!

  • SmutBoffin

    I'm withholding judgement until I hear from Miss Manners on this topic.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      So long as her pinkies remain up, I'm sure Manners approves.

      • horsedreamer_1

        & she'll need to be gentle, reader.

  • CindynEncinitas

    Why didn't they just quietly take their hot action back to the stables at the fairgrounds where they came from?

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    To be fair, BJ's are the only way to make it through a Cirque Du Soleil show.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Mushrooms help, i've heard.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    When blow jobs are social pariah, only social pariah will have blow jobs!

  • Callyson

    zip the fuck up, there were kids around

    Well, how else are they supposed to learn?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I would have paid good money (which I didn't have, of course) to have seen a performance like that when I was a sprout.

    • Negropolis

      Have you seen cable television and the internet in, oh, say, the past decade? lol

  • thumbcuff

    Any sideboob?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The reason "Jenny" asked Kallie to stop is because "Jenny's" husband had sidled over to be next in line.

    • Hedley_Lamarr

      I'll bet real money that Jenny's "Husband" doesn't have a Y chromosome.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Considering how drunk she must have been in order to perform this act, as well as assault this woman, it probably wasn't the visual that the other audience members took issue with, but the noise generated by the sloppiness of the beej. "Shhhhhhhhh!"

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Does the San Diego area need a new GOP congressperson? Because it sounds like they have two well qualified candidates here. And the GOP always likes a little law and order.

  • Billmatic

    I wish my ladyfriend would be so compelled to give me oral pleasure.

    Unfortunately every time I take her out in public people give me weird looks and I eventually puncture her somehow.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Lars? Is that you?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I hear ya. It really is embarrassing when the ladyfriend flies off like that.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    When a little kneel and bobbing is more exciting than the Cirque du Soleil, you know they have to work on their show.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    A little French action while watching the French acrobats.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, this is one of those weird moral issues. While I'm all in favor of public blow jobs that involve me, I really don't care for them when others are involved.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Libertine for me, but not for thee?

      • Guppy

        Libertine sexual mores are the exclusive domain of the attractive.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oral exceptionalist!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Pornhusker Kickback!!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Boy, you must be loads of fun at a sex club, going around shouting "STOP THAT!"

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Hyblowcrite!!!!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        COTD

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I was just thinking the same thing, Lionel. A combination of, "Gee, that would be nice" wistful crossed with "My GHOD how DARE they do that with CHIYULDRUN around shocking shocking moral degeneracy" frothing frenzy.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        The children thing would be a concern, but, then, it comes down to the quality of the blow job.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Yeah, if it's good enough, who CARES about the children?

          • Negropolis

            ROTFLMAO!

  • coolhandnuke

    What's the difference between a border patrol agent and a rooster?

    A rooster says cockadoodledo.
    A border patrol agent says any cock will do.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Cross a rooster and an M&M and you get a cock that melts in your mouth and not in your hand.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I wouldn't think that border patrol agents would get turned on like this in public unless there were handcuffs involved.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    To be fair, it was during the intermission, so it's not like they were infringing on anyone's enjoyment of the circus.

  • CommieLibunatic

    Public fellatio and fist-fights at Cirque du Soleil? I think you're just fucking with me now.

  • StealthMuslin

    Today we are all cock-sucking Border Patrol Agents.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Cirque De Sucer!® Sure to raise a tentpole near you!

  • elviouslyqueer

    My favorite part is when Torello *high fives a kid* whilst getting his knob polished. So classy!

  • elburritodeluxe

    I'm so OUTRAGED by this unprofessional behavior that I DEMAND Kallie Helwig's number immediately in order to talk to her about this (and maybe other stuff).

  • coolhandnuke

    Seeing that she quit halfway through the blowjob, can we say she performed a Palin on him?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Completion is, thus, a Bristol?

      • Guppy

        If Bristol were this committed to oral, she'd not be so famous.

      • Negropolis

        A Bristol is a very conventional and boring sex act.

    • crybabyboehner

      His love for her is undiminished,
      the last time she blew him she didn't finish.

  • UnholyMoses

    Now see, that's the difference between a pretentious circus crowd in Whale's Vagina San Diego and a Rockfest crowd here in KC.

    At Rockfest, when a chick is blowing a guy out in the open, everyone chants "SUCK THAT COCK!"

    Thus, the only thing that comes to blows are … um … well … you get the idea.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      SLOW DOWN!

      …ockfest….Kansas City…

      …go on?

      • UnholyMoses

        You need to like mediocre hard rock/heavy metal and be willing to spend 12 hours listening to it whilst dealing with 50,000 drunks/potheads.

        You know, like me. (Though next year I'm using a wheelchair — my back can NOT handle all the standing and walking, so … pride will have to be sucked up as well.)

        On the bright side, other than the ticket, NOTHING costs more than $5 while there — beer, food, etc. — and water is provided for free. And that's pretty damn cool.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          be willing to spend 12 hours listening to it whilst dealing with 50,000 drunks/potheads.

          So it's like Netroots Nation only with sex?

          • UnholyMoses

            And it's outside.

            But otherwise, yes.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Sorry about your back. Will it heal?

          Sounds like fun, especially with the pot. But I'm a cheap date.

          • UnholyMoses

            Thanks( sincerely!), and no — the back will always be fucked, as my body's warranty apparently expired nearly a decade ago (two failed back fusions, kidney stone, blown out knee, torn elbow tendons, broken tooth + root canal, gastroparesis from all the meds … all in nine years).

            Shoulda got the extended plan …

            On the bright side, MORPHINE!

            On the down side, it's like taking Tylenol for me.

            (Oxycodone, on the other hand, makes me clinically insane, which is why I won't get near the stuff– I don't wanna feel all spacey … well, not anymore.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Wow. Dood. That's just terrible. (Hugs the Moses sympathetically).

            I know all about the pain meds. I can't take most of them, they just make me too nuts. Baby aspirin and rest, my ass. I wish they'd give me morphine. At least it *works.*

            Well, as I always say about MY chassis — brain by BMW, body by Ford.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No, go on, please, I was just, um, getting into my stride here.

    • horsedreamer_1

      You're my boy, Blue!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Keep suckin' that chicken, Kallie!

  • HateMachine

    Cocktober comes early this year, it seems.

  • Fox n Fiends

    typical Union thuggery

  • Trannysurprise

    Was it one of those moments when it's really part of the show???

  • SayItWithWookies

    "Okay, the next contortionist-and-blowjob night we're just gonna stay in and watch Henry and June."

  • ph7

    Sure beats a midget car and a unicycling bear.

  • mavenmaven

    Obviously, they were there to deport the foreigners attending Cirque De Soleil, which is obviously some kind of Mexican entertainment, and the giving head was an attempt to blend in with the illegals, which I guess must be a well known Mexican thing to do at public events. See? It all makes sense.

  • mavenmaven

    Or she was testing him to see if he was a minuteman?

  • anteater

    Every time you cold-cock someone an angel gets their wings.

  • Limeylizzie

    I loathe Cirque du Soleil, so I would be in favour of anything that would distract me from it.

  • Antispandex

    Well, let's not judge the agent too harshly. Who hasn't wished they had something else to do when they see what Cirque du Soleil is really all about?

  • Guppy

    They should have saved it for the privacy of the DC Metro.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Jezus, now you can get your dick licked at Cirque du Soleil? No wonder the price of admission is so high!

  • Estproph

    Hopefully terrorists won't figure out that all they have to do to enter the US illegally is travel with a circus, and all of our border patrol agents will be overcome with hornyfever.

  • Antispandex

    Oh, and it looks like we owe those Secret Service guys an apology!

  • Tommmcattt

    Straight people are weird.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Honestly, Wonketz, U R SO CRUEL. Agent Kallie says she was feeling unwell, and had to rest her head in Agent Torello's lap, is all. And he was patting her tummy to make her feel better.

  • rickmaci

    It didn't before, but now Cirque de Felate seems like something I'd pay to go see.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Dad used to have a mule named Jenny. She wouldn't toe the row either. Sometimes it just takes a plastic pipe to keep a girl in line.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Video: http://www.cbs8.com/story/18742911/border-agents-

    I'd hit it, but she'd probably hit me first.

    • Negropolis

      Some people like it rough.

  • ttommyunger

    I'm sorry, but anyone paying good money for one of those horse and pony shows deserves whatever they get. I call it thinning the herd.

  • DahBoner

    I call typo on this.

    It's U.S. Bordello Patrol

  • OldRedneck

    Why does none of this shit ever happen when I'm out in public??

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      We must be doing SOMEthing wrong.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Obviously, I need a different girlfriend.

  • StarsUponThars

    South Park explains the phenomenon with its usual hilarity.
    http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s15

  • LionHeartSoyDog

    "…cold-cocking a female military doctor THREE TIMES? "

    The scientific definition of cold-cock is: one punch, lights out.
    It's physically impossible to cold-cock somebody three times, unless you wait for them to regain consciousness twice and knock them out again.
    Too, also, i saw fotos of the 'military doc' and there was only light bruising. She didn't get knocked out.
    (Border patrol pigs E.S.&D., also).

  • Tundra Grifter

    After looking at her photo, I was very surprised. I was expecting a biker chick running about two bills.

    Kallie – I'd tuck her. In!

    PS: Something tells me there's a long line of guys back at the station house with Cirque tickets, ready to ask her out.

  • Tundra Grifter

    If you asked them about it all today, I'm sure Kallie and Gerald would go with "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

  • HarryButtle

    So, she gets pissed when he DOESN'T come in her mouth?

  • Beowoof

    Okay, no one got out their cell and recorded this event. Blowjob videos sell well I can't believe there were no entrepreneurs there.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Cum-blast & Furious?

  • Wonderthing

    Your kids can't HANDLE public fellatio! Er, I mean, the TRUTH!

  • voodooeconomics

    trolling this evening and read this; "cock out of her mouth" extremely disappointed.There was an article i am supposed to read..the only good thing in this article was the cock block extraordinaire getting pelted on the jaw/temple whatever.

  • Wonderthing

    "Hey! Build a wall around it!"

  • prommie

    It goes without saying that the fellatio couple are not married, of course.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Not to each other, anyway.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I actually guessed that the agent was not arrested but rather let go with a pat on the back, so I guess I don't win anything.

  • DesertTed

    Is there a man on the planet who'd go to Cirque du Soleil without getting his cock sucked?

    Now that Jenny Bitch just ruined it for the rest of us.

  • sbj1964

    A Girl, has to get a HEAD?

  • rocktonsam

    'look at him Smithers, strutting around like hes the cock of the walk ! ' Homer Simpson is the cock of nothing'

  • Buckminster

    People, it's a show, this Cirque de Soleil, not a freakin' lifestyle. Get a grip or else get a motel.

  • rdc00

    This is why I hate the stand your ground debate/bitchfest so much. California DOES have a stand your ground law. It just also has very strict limits on the use of deadly force. In California you have every right to stand your ground. In fact in California you can actively seek out situations that put you in harms way: as long as you don't instigate the fight itself you have every right to stand your ground and meet force with like force.

  • miss_grundy

    I've never been to a Cirque du Soleil show but I didn't know that they were so boring that the audience would perform oral sex in order to liven things up. I guess that's the kind of thing Repubs get into, and then try to tell everyone else how they should live…..

  • owhatever

    Hannity will be outraged that a hero border patrol agent is being punished for performing a normal act of love, and proving that failing public schools don't need to teach kids about sex.

  • Negropolis

    This is so Cirque du So…no, just no.

    "Jenny" must have been wearing a hoodie.

  • Troubledog

    This is the coolest thing that happened this week.

  • Dildeaux

    Finally, a good Wonker story to fap to.

  • Dildeaux

    Is Torello a member of the Minutemen?

  • joobajooba

    Sounds like Helwig had an angry itch.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I would have given her one in the face too. Not a punch, the other thing.