go to jail go directly to jail

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail

What, me? Hurry?America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life so his undocumented workers he could clean up dust bunnies in his suburban McMansion even though he tortured us all (some of us, literally) for eight years playing neo-con puppet to Dick Cheney’s and John Bolton’s war administration. This says a lot about America (not all of it good). Perhaps we were nice to George because it would hurt our collective John Wayne Gacy hearts to see a wild n’ free cowboy behind bars.

But France doesn’t have any cowboys.

This Friday, June 15, former French president Nicolas Sarkozy will lose his presidential immunity from criminal prosecution and be eligible for investigation for some alleged crimes we already told you about (taking illegal campaign contributions from two crazy people: L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt and dead dictator Moamar Gaddafi) plus two more:

  • allegedly accessing French newspaper Le Monde journalists’ phone records and using his secret service to spy on them to see if he could discover their sources for the Bettencourt allegations;
  • Allegedly taking kickbacks on a 1994 sale of three submarines to Pakistan so he could illegally fund the 1995 presidential campaign of his mentor and former prime minister Edouard Balladur, not to mention the related 2002 bomb in Pakistan that killed 14 people – 11 of whom were French submarine engineers – thought to be revenge by Pakistani officials because their promised bribes weren’t paid.

As if that isn’t enough, on the same day he loses his immunity, a former female member of Sarkozy’s party, Marie-Célie Guillaume, is publishing a new novel with a main character called, for some ungodly reason, “Rocky.” There is not a single person in all of France named Rocky. But whatevs. The author has admitted that Rocky is really Sarkozy in disguise. And Rocky is a sexy sexy bad boy. One sweaty scene includes Rocky, fresh from a boxing exercise in front of a mirror, which made him “hot, very hot,” propositioning a female official from his own party who’s asking him for a government subsidy for her city’s museum. Of course, they have sex, and the female official described his performance as… “in a hurry.”

In the immortal words of Debbie Harry: Depeche-toi, Rocky. Depeche-toi.

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About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines

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88 comments

    1. horatiusbridges

      I'll take care of her.

      If somebody can stop my wife from going all Lorena Bobbitt on me.

  1. Barb

    ….bribes from L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt.
    NICOLAS SARKOZY: L’Oréal illegal contributions, because I'm worth it.

  2. Goonemeritus

    What’s the world coming to when French leadership can’t even be trusted to be above reproach?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe that hot wife will carry his plan (you'll only get that if you read the book).

  3. metamarcisf

    Selling submarines to unstable Asian nuclear powers would seem to be a sure-fire fundraiser. Does Axelrod know about this?

    1. Guppy

      The wife has the looks and won't have much to do after her (soon to be ex-) husband goes to jail.

  4. mavenmaven

    Prison tip for Sarko: don't pick up the soap when Dominique Levi-Strauss is around…

    1. metamarcisf

      Which would you rather bid on: Dinner with Warren Buffet or a Seawolf class nucular sub?

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, if Sarkozy had been smart, he would have moved to the US and run for the Republican nomination. He would have been a shoe in with credentials like that.

    1. scvirginia

      If he bribes Orly with enough L'Oreal product for life, think she'll keep her birfer mouth shut?

  6. SayItWithWookies

    A politician spying on journalists? Clearly there's no FOX Criminal Enterprises outlet in France.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Uhhhhhhhh, aw shucks……..errrrrr……howdy ma'am?
        [runs and hides in the safety of newest thread]

  7. OneYieldRegular

    "Garcon! Qu'est-ce c'est sur mes oeufs?"

    "Mais, Sauce Hollandaise, Monsieur Sarkozy."

  8. Joshua Norton

    America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life

    It's amazing how fast they all forgot the hangover from that beer everyone wanted to have with him.

  9. OldWhiteLies

    That pic – bulge and all – prompts me to ask if Sarko and Ant'ny Weiner aren't in fact the same person … ?

  10. Callyson

    Of course, they have sex, and the female official described his performance as… “in a hurry.”

    Angela Merkel was waiting in the next room…

  11. Callyson

    not to mention the related 2002 bomb in Pakistan that killed 14 people – 11 of whom were French submarine engineers – thought to be revenge by Pakistani officials because their promised bribes weren’t paid

    Jesus, even Saint Ronnie didn't try to rip off the Iranians: you'd think the righties would know better than to welch on a bribe…

  12. ManchuCandidate

    Rocky: Ah come on, Carla, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I bribe this country or takes bribes from that one or some crazy ass cosmetic bitch. It really don't matter if that country blows up some of our engineers, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. No immigrant's ever gone the distance for French Preznit, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bomb explodes and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.

  13. arihaya

    if only Sarko made a Super PAC like in the USA , his buddy Gaddafi could "donate" legally without any problem

  14. __kth__

    On a boat or on a plane
    Nik's coming to America!
    Like the Shah back in the day
    He's coming to America!

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    OT, it looks like we got back our faces. I forgot I changed mine while they were fucked up to see if that would fix it. Guess I'll leave the new one up for a while. Better go change the profile quotation, though.

    1. chascates

      I thought it was only me! I ran some scripts and deleted caches on my Mac and thought that was it. I miss JawsKitty though.

  16. not that Radio

    "They wanted me to build them a submarine, so I took their plutonium and, in turn, gave them a shoddy submarine hull full of used pinball machine parts. Come on! Let's get you a radiation suit."

      1. Chet Kincaid

        You've gotta stay a step ahead of Langley…The Wines Initiative, The Wines Conundrum, The Wines Ultimatum — intrigue follows you 'round the globe!

  17. animal_warrior

    Can that nut job Liliane Bettencourt , the heiress of L’Oréal get prosecuted too? I hope so …..They still test their crap on animals.

  18. pinkocommi

    George Bush may not realize it because he barely speaks English, much less French, but he and Sarkozy share the same anthem, "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rein"

  19. ttommyunger

    I am finding it difficult to fap to this article; oddly, the partial nudity does not help.

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