go to jail go directly to jail

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail

What, me? Hurry?America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life so his undocumented workers he could clean up dust bunnies in his suburban McMansion even though he tortured us all (some of us, literally) for eight years playing neo-con puppet to Dick Cheney’s and John Bolton’s war administration. This says a lot about America (not all of it good). Perhaps we were nice to George because it would hurt our collective John Wayne Gacy hearts to see a wild n’ free cowboy behind bars.

But France doesn’t have any cowboys.

This Friday, June 15, former French president Nicolas Sarkozy will lose his presidential immunity from criminal prosecution and be eligible for investigation for some alleged crimes we already told you about (taking illegal campaign contributions from two crazy people: L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt and dead dictator Moamar Gaddafi) plus two more:

  • allegedly accessing French newspaper Le Monde journalists’ phone records and using his secret service to spy on them to see if he could discover their sources for the Bettencourt allegations;
  • Allegedly taking kickbacks on a 1994 sale of three submarines to Pakistan so he could illegally fund the 1995 presidential campaign of his mentor and former prime minister Edouard Balladur, not to mention the related 2002 bomb in Pakistan that killed 14 people – 11 of whom were French submarine engineers – thought to be revenge by Pakistani officials because their promised bribes weren’t paid.

As if that isn’t enough, on the same day he loses his immunity, a former female member of Sarkozy’s party, Marie-Célie Guillaume, is publishing a new novel with a main character called, for some ungodly reason, “Rocky.” There is not a single person in all of France named Rocky. But whatevs. The author has admitted that Rocky is really Sarkozy in disguise. And Rocky is a sexy sexy bad boy. One sweaty scene includes Rocky, fresh from a boxing exercise in front of a mirror, which made him “hot, very hot,” propositioning a female official from his own party who’s asking him for a government subsidy for her city’s museum. Of course, they have sex, and the female official described his performance as… “in a hurry.”

In the immortal words of Debbie Harry: Depeche-toi, Rocky. Depeche-toi.

About the author

Writer, teacher, traveler. Arizona girl living in Paris.

View all articles by Lisa Wines

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    I can't wait. We really need to arrest, try, convict, and jail a few more World Leaders.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Aww, but his wife's hot!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Fine, we'll arrest her too.

      • DrunkIrishman

        Can I keep her locked up in my bedroom?

    • Fairtackle

      If he is in jail, then that means she will be … available?

    • horatiusbridges

      I'll take care of her.

      If somebody can stop my wife from going all Lorena Bobbitt on me.

  • tihond

    Soon enough, he will be singing "Zou Bisou Bisou" in prison.

  • Barb

    ….bribes from L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt.
    NICOLAS SARKOZY: L’Oréal illegal contributions, because I'm worth it.

  • CthuNHu

    This is bad news for John McCain Dick Cheney.

  • Crank_Tango

    Trop tôt (Rocky) !!

  • Nostrildamus

    Ceci n'est pas un Rocky.

    • scvirginia

      René, is that you?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I must say, taking kickbacks on submarines takes balls.

  • PhilippePetain

    If this guy is Rocky, George is definitely Bullwinkle.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And Ann Coulter is Natsha & Karl Rove Boris?

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Oh come on. Orly will always be Natasha.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Yeah. And I think Rove will play Fearless Leader.

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            So who's Boris, Dr. K?

          • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

            Someone who makes evil schemes. Most of them don't pan out and when it does, it backfires. Brietbart… or as I call him Bitpart.

          • PhilippePetain

            Bristol is Dudley Do-Right. Get it? Mountee?

            <Sad Trombone>

  • Goonemeritus

    What’s the world coming to when French leadership can’t even be trusted to be above reproach?

  • Estproph

    Shouldn't that be "Le Rocky"?

    • BarackMyWorld

      I'm thinking "Rocky Horror."

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Papillion II?????????

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe that hot wife will carry his plan (you'll only get that if you read the book).

  • metamarcisf

    Selling submarines to unstable Asian nuclear powers would seem to be a sure-fire fundraiser. Does Axelrod know about this?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Looks like someone wants to become a FOX News contributor!

    • Guppy

      The wife has the looks and won't have much to do after her (soon to be ex-) husband goes to jail.

  • mavenmaven

    Prison tip for Sarko: don't pick up the soap when Dominique Levi-Strauss is around…

    • Negropolis

      Durable, fashionable jeans libel!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    He tried Ebay, but the shipping charges were out of this world.

    • metamarcisf

      Which would you rather bid on: Dinner with Warren Buffet or a Seawolf class nucular sub?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, if Sarkozy had been smart, he would have moved to the US and run for the Republican nomination. He would have been a shoe in with credentials like that.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      He's probably read the research showing that Americans won't vote for LittlePeople.

    • scvirginia

      If he bribes Orly with enough L'Oreal product for life, think she'll keep her birfer mouth shut?

    • Guppy

      He's white, so nobody would ask about the birth certificate.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Sarkozy foreplay "Préparez-vous Bridget"

  • SayItWithWookies

    A politician spying on journalists? Clearly there's no FOX Criminal Enterprises outlet in France.

  • Barrelhse

    Moral: Don't fuck with Pakistani official's bribes, Froggy.

  • edgydrifter

    Apres moi, le bow-chicka-bow-wow.

    • scvirginia

      Why do I suddenly have "Louis Quatorze" running thru my head? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUTUJZyxxPI

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

      La fête de la bungue-bungue!

    • TribecaMike

      Laissez les bon temps rouler!

  • Hera Sent Me

    L'état, c'est Sarkozy.

    • Negropolis

      The voters seemed to disagree.

  • edgydrifter

    The man is a sexual tyrannosaurus. A wee, elfin sexual tyrannosaurus.

  • Aridzona

    I guess the deal to sell the Eiffel Tower fell through.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      Weeeeeeee Weeeeeee?

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Uhhhhhhhh, aw shucks……..errrrrr……howdy ma'am?
        [runs and hides in the safety of newest thread]

        • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

          Hahaha! I'm just glad to be back and to be greeted so nicely. (Come out, come out, wherever you areeeeee!)

  • coolhandnuke

    Rocky's political career is guided by Appalling Creed.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I think that image is photoshopped. Maybe I should do a blog post about it.

    • not that Radio

      Can you tell from some of the pixels?

    • Not_So_Much

      Just sell prints of it for $3,995.

    • Guppy

      OK, now you're just flaunting it.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Garcon! Qu'est-ce c'est sur mes oeufs?"

    "Mais, Sauce Hollandaise, Monsieur Sarkozy."

    • doloras

      JE VOIS CE QUE T'AS FAIT LÀ

    • Negropolis

      Le WINNING!

      Wait, is winning femine or masculine?

  • Billmatic

    Man there's a very compelling argument to move to Marseilles at this point.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life

    It's amazing how fast they all forgot the hangover from that beer everyone wanted to have with him.

  • OldWhiteLies

    That pic – bulge and all – prompts me to ask if Sarko and Ant'ny Weiner aren't in fact the same person … ?

  • Callyson

    Of course, they have sex, and the female official described his performance as… “in a hurry.”

    Angela Merkel was waiting in the next room…

  • Callyson

    not to mention the related 2002 bomb in Pakistan that killed 14 people – 11 of whom were French submarine engineers – thought to be revenge by Pakistani officials because their promised bribes weren’t paid

    Jesus, even Saint Ronnie didn't try to rip off the Iranians: you'd think the righties would know better than to welch on a bribe…

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Rocky: Ah come on, Carla, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I bribe this country or takes bribes from that one or some crazy ass cosmetic bitch. It really don't matter if that country blows up some of our engineers, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. No immigrant's ever gone the distance for French Preznit, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bomb explodes and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    If a right wing charlatan can't raise campaign money from the dead dictator of an oil rich desert hellhole then freedom is dead.

  • arihaya

    if only Sarko made a Super PAC like in the USA , his buddy Gaddafi could "donate" legally without any problem

  • BarackMyWorld

    This post about French politics suffers from a lack of pictures of Carla Bruni.

  • __kth__

    On a boat or on a plane
    Nik's coming to America!
    Like the Shah back in the day
    He's coming to America!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, it looks like we got back our faces. I forgot I changed mine while they were fucked up to see if that would fix it. Guess I'll leave the new one up for a while. Better go change the profile quotation, though.

    • chascates

      I thought it was only me! I ran some scripts and deleted caches on my Mac and thought that was it. I miss JawsKitty though.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I'm sure he'll make a comeback tour one of these days.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I coulda been a contenda."

  • MissTaken

    ÉTIENNE!!!

  • not that Radio

    "They wanted me to build them a submarine, so I took their plutonium and, in turn, gave them a shoddy submarine hull full of used pinball machine parts. Come on! Let's get you a radiation suit."

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The arteest that did Breightfart's picture must have done this one, too.

  • sbj1964

    Well, let's see if his prison bitch will be as hot?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    Lisa Wines, reading French newspapers because you can't!™

    • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

      From Mexico! It's my super duper top secret info-rific readathonicness. Or something. Anyway, hi!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

        You've gotta stay a step ahead of Langley…The Wines Initiative, The Wines Conundrum, The Wines Ultimatum — intrigue follows you 'round the globe!

  • zedbot

    Breitbart Ghost says: Puddlecocks! Oooooh, natural photochop breastsesses .

  • Negropolis

    Ship this blog and Sarkozy to Elba or Saint Helena; no one has lost any.

  • animal_warrior

    Can that nut job Liliane Bettencourt , the heiress of L’Oréal get prosecuted too? I hope so …..They still test their crap on animals.

  • pinkocommi

    George Bush may not realize it because he barely speaks English, much less French, but he and Sarkozy share the same anthem, "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rein"

  • DahBoner

    Kickbacks?

    Mitt Romney calls them "incentives"….

  • ttommyunger

    I am finding it difficult to fap to this article; oddly, the partial nudity does not help.