GO TO JAIL GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL  6:06 pm June 13, 2012

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail

by Lisa Wines

What, me? Hurry?America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life so his undocumented workers he could clean up dust bunnies in his suburban McMansion even though he tortured us all (some of us, literally) for eight years playing neo-con puppet to Dick Cheney’s and John Bolton’s war administration. This says a lot about America (not all of it good). Perhaps we were nice to George because it would hurt our collective John Wayne Gacy hearts to see a wild n’ free cowboy behind bars.

But France doesn’t have any cowboys.

This Friday, June 15, former French president Nicolas Sarkozy will lose his presidential immunity from criminal prosecution and be eligible for investigation for some alleged crimes we already told you about (taking illegal campaign contributions from two crazy people: L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt and dead dictator Moamar Gaddafi) plus two more:

  • allegedly accessing French newspaper Le Monde journalists’ phone records and using his secret service to spy on them to see if he could discover their sources for the Bettencourt allegations;
  • Allegedly taking kickbacks on a 1994 sale of three submarines to Pakistan so he could illegally fund the 1995 presidential campaign of his mentor and former prime minister Edouard Balladur, not to mention the related 2002 bomb in Pakistan that killed 14 people – 11 of whom were French submarine engineers – thought to be revenge by Pakistani officials because their promised bribes weren’t paid.

As if that isn’t enough, on the same day he loses his immunity, a former female member of Sarkozy’s party, Marie-Célie Guillaume, is publishing a new novel with a main character called, for some ungodly reason, “Rocky.” There is not a single person in all of France named Rocky. But whatevs. The author has admitted that Rocky is really Sarkozy in disguise. And Rocky is a sexy sexy bad boy. One sweaty scene includes Rocky, fresh from a boxing exercise in front of a mirror, which made him “hot, very hot,” propositioning a female official from his own party who’s asking him for a government subsidy for her city’s museum. Of course, they have sex, and the female official described his performance as… “in a hurry.”

In the immortal words of Debbie Harry: Depeche-toi, Rocky. Depeche-toi.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 88 comments }

MittBorg June 13, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I can't wait. We really need to arrest, try, convict, and jail a few more World Leaders.

DrunkIrishman June 13, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Aww, but his wife's hot!

MittBorg June 13, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Fine, we'll arrest her too.

DrunkIrishman June 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Can I keep her locked up in my bedroom?

Fairtackle June 13, 2012 at 6:12 pm

If he is in jail, then that means she will be … available?

horatiusbridges June 14, 2012 at 4:49 am

I'll take care of her.

If somebody can stop my wife from going all Lorena Bobbitt on me.

tihond June 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Soon enough, he will be singing "Zou Bisou Bisou" in prison.

Barb June 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

….bribes from L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt.
NICOLAS SARKOZY: L’Oréal illegal contributions, because I'm worth it.

CthuNHu June 13, 2012 at 6:11 pm

This is bad news for John McCain Dick Cheney.

Crank_Tango June 13, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Trop tôt (Rocky) !!

Nostrildamus June 13, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Ceci n'est pas un Rocky.

scvirginia June 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm

René, is that you?

johnnyzhivago June 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm

I must say, taking kickbacks on submarines takes balls.

PhilippePetain June 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm

If this guy is Rocky, George is definitely Bullwinkle.

weejee June 13, 2012 at 6:24 pm

And Ann Coulter is Natsha & Karl Rove Boris?

ManchuCandidate June 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Oh come on. Orly will always be Natasha.

BaldarTFlagass June 13, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Yeah. And I think Rove will play Fearless Leader.

weejee June 13, 2012 at 7:47 pm

So who's Boris, Dr. K?

Goonemeritus June 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm

What’s the world coming to when French leadership can’t even be trusted to be above reproach?

Estproph June 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Shouldn't that be "Le Rocky"?

BarackMyWorld June 13, 2012 at 7:06 pm

I'm thinking "Rocky Horror."

johnnyzhivago June 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Papillion II?????????

BaldarTFlagass June 13, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Maybe that hot wife will carry his plan (you'll only get that if you read the book).

metamarcisf June 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Selling submarines to unstable Asian nuclear powers would seem to be a sure-fire fundraiser. Does Axelrod know about this?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Looks like someone wants to become a FOX News contributor!

Guppy June 13, 2012 at 7:10 pm

The wife has the looks and won't have much to do after her (soon to be ex-) husband goes to jail.

mavenmaven June 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Prison tip for Sarko: don't pick up the soap when Dominique Levi-Strauss is around…

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Durable, fashionable jeans libel!

johnnyzhivago June 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm

He tried Ebay, but the shipping charges were out of this world.

metamarcisf June 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Which would you rather bid on: Dinner with Warren Buffet or a Seawolf class nucular sub?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Actually, if Sarkozy had been smart, he would have moved to the US and run for the Republican nomination. He would have been a shoe in with credentials like that.

MittBorg June 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm

He's probably read the research showing that Americans won't vote for LittlePeople.

scvirginia June 13, 2012 at 7:04 pm

If he bribes Orly with enough L'Oreal product for life, think she'll keep her birfer mouth shut?

Guppy June 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm

He's white, so nobody would ask about the birth certificate.

weejee June 13, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Sarkozy foreplay "Préparez-vous Bridget"

SayItWithWookies June 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

A politician spying on journalists? Clearly there's no FOX Criminal Enterprises outlet in France.

Barrelhse June 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Moral: Don't fuck with Pakistani official's bribes, Froggy.

edgydrifter June 13, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Apres moi, le bow-chicka-bow-wow.

scvirginia June 13, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Why do I suddenly have "Louis Quatorze" running thru my head? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUTUJZyxxPI

Chet Kincaid June 13, 2012 at 7:15 pm

La fête de la bungue-bungue!

TribecaMike June 13, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Hera Sent Me June 13, 2012 at 6:23 pm

L'état, c'est Sarkozy.

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm

The voters seemed to disagree.

edgydrifter June 13, 2012 at 6:23 pm

The man is a sexual tyrannosaurus. A wee, elfin sexual tyrannosaurus.

Aridzona June 13, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I guess the deal to sell the Eiffel Tower fell through.

Blueb4sunrise June 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lisawines June 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Weeeeeeee Weeeeeee?

Blueb4sunrise June 13, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Uhhhhhhhh, aw shucks……..errrrrr……howdy ma'am?
[runs and hides in the safety of newest thread]

lisawines June 13, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Hahaha! I'm just glad to be back and to be greeted so nicely. (Come out, come out, wherever you areeeeee!)

coolhandnuke June 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Rocky's political career is guided by Appalling Creed.

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I think that image is photoshopped. Maybe I should do a blog post about it.

not that Radio June 13, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Can you tell from some of the pixels?

Not_So_Much June 13, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Just sell prints of it for $3,995.

Guppy June 13, 2012 at 7:13 pm

OK, now you're just flaunting it.

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm

That's right. I've gone mad with my very moderate power

I AM IN CHARGE OF THE WATER COOLER!

OneYieldRegular June 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm

"Garcon! Qu'est-ce c'est sur mes oeufs?"

"Mais, Sauce Hollandaise, Monsieur Sarkozy."

doloras June 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm

JE VOIS CE QUE T'AS FAIT LÀ

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Le WINNING!

Wait, is winning femine or masculine?

Billmatic June 13, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Man there's a very compelling argument to move to Marseilles at this point.

Joshua Norton June 13, 2012 at 6:35 pm

America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life

It's amazing how fast they all forgot the hangover from that beer everyone wanted to have with him.

OldWhiteLies June 13, 2012 at 6:37 pm

That pic – bulge and all – prompts me to ask if Sarko and Ant'ny Weiner aren't in fact the same person … ?

Callyson June 13, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Of course, they have sex, and the female official described his performance as… “in a hurry.”

Angela Merkel was waiting in the next room…

Callyson June 13, 2012 at 6:39 pm

not to mention the related 2002 bomb in Pakistan that killed 14 people – 11 of whom were French submarine engineers – thought to be revenge by Pakistani officials because their promised bribes weren’t paid

Jesus, even Saint Ronnie didn't try to rip off the Iranians: you'd think the righties would know better than to welch on a bribe…

ManchuCandidate June 13, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Rocky: Ah come on, Carla, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I bribe this country or takes bribes from that one or some crazy ass cosmetic bitch. It really don't matter if that country blows up some of our engineers, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. No immigrant's ever gone the distance for French Preznit, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bomb explodes and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.

Chow Yun Flat June 13, 2012 at 6:58 pm

If a right wing charlatan can't raise campaign money from the dead dictator of an oil rich desert hellhole then freedom is dead.

arihaya June 13, 2012 at 7:01 pm

if only Sarko made a Super PAC like in the USA , his buddy Gaddafi could "donate" legally without any problem

BarackMyWorld June 13, 2012 at 7:05 pm

This post about French politics suffers from a lack of pictures of Carla Bruni.

__kth__ June 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm

On a boat or on a plane
Nik's coming to America!
Like the Shah back in the day
He's coming to America!

BaldarTFlagass June 13, 2012 at 7:16 pm

OT, it looks like we got back our faces. I forgot I changed mine while they were fucked up to see if that would fix it. Guess I'll leave the new one up for a while. Better go change the profile quotation, though.

chascates June 13, 2012 at 7:28 pm

I thought it was only me! I ran some scripts and deleted caches on my Mac and thought that was it. I miss JawsKitty though.

BaldarTFlagass June 13, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I'm sure he'll make a comeback tour one of these days.

BaldarTFlagass June 13, 2012 at 7:23 pm

"I coulda been a contenda."

MissTaken June 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

ÉTIENNE!!!

C_R_Eature June 13, 2012 at 8:25 pm
not that Radio June 13, 2012 at 7:36 pm

"They wanted me to build them a submarine, so I took their plutonium and, in turn, gave them a shoddy submarine hull full of used pinball machine parts. Come on! Let's get you a radiation suit."

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 13, 2012 at 8:02 pm

The arteest that did Breightfart's picture must have done this one, too.

sbj1964 June 13, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Well, let's see if his prison bitch will be as hot?

Chet Kincaid June 13, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Lisa Wines, reading French newspapers because you can't!™

lisawines June 13, 2012 at 11:55 pm

From Mexico! It's my super duper top secret info-rific readathonicness. Or something. Anyway, hi!

Chet Kincaid June 14, 2012 at 9:26 am

You've gotta stay a step ahead of Langley…The Wines Initiative, The Wines Conundrum, The Wines Ultimatum — intrigue follows you 'round the globe!

zedbot June 13, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Breitbart Ghost says: Puddlecocks! Oooooh, natural photochop breastsesses .

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Ship this blog and Sarkozy to Elba or Saint Helena; no one has lost any.

animal_warrior June 14, 2012 at 1:00 am

Can that nut job Liliane Bettencourt , the heiress of L’Oréal get prosecuted too? I hope so …..They still test their crap on animals.

pinkocommi June 14, 2012 at 2:03 am

George Bush may not realize it because he barely speaks English, much less French, but he and Sarkozy share the same anthem, "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rein"

DahBoner June 14, 2012 at 6:45 am

Kickbacks?

Mitt Romney calls them "incentives"….

ttommyunger June 14, 2012 at 7:32 am

I am finding it difficult to fap to this article; oddly, the partial nudity does not help.

ManchuCandidate June 13, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Someone who makes evil schemes. Most of them don't pan out and when it does, it backfires. Brietbart… or as I call him Bitpart.

PhilippePetain June 14, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Bristol is Dudley Do-Right. Get it? Mountee?

<Sad Trombone>

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