Here is a picture of Mitt Romney getting a shoe shine on an airport tarmac.

Mitt Romney has apparently observed that many Americans seem to feel they are not getting their money’s worth out of the highest branches of government. This might be an apt time for a lesson in democracy, a time to reassess the wisdom of electing intransigent nuts to fill jobs that by definition require an ability to work well with others of differing viewpoints, or maybe it is a time for a lesson on a little something Mitt Romney invented called “the private sector.” Here’s how Mittens would like this to work: “I do believe in linking my incentives and my commitment to the accomplishment of specific goals,” Romney said. “I wish we had that happen throughout government.” Smart! So let’s see if we remember how this works… wait, so how much will Mitt earn if, for example, he manages to dismantle the country and sell off individual states to Canada and China at a profit?

Or what kind of reward might Romney and the members of Congress receive if, say, Romney manages to accomplish his “specific goal” of slashing all non-security discretionary spending by five percent while tossing billions more to the military? The American taxpayers will without a doubt look about themselves at their decimated education systems and crumbling infrastructure and eagerly shower him with bonuses.

Eh, fuck that. We have a more fun idea: the United States should be able to charge a President Mitt one million dollars of his fortune for every week that goes by in office and he doesn’t put the country on track for the four percent annual growth rate he is promising. We’d vote for that.

And here is a link to the 1992 Saturday Night Live skit starring Dana Carvey that perfectly parodies 2012 Mitt Romney jabbering about incentive pay like some 1992 idiot named “Ross Perot.”

[CNN Money]

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  • Barb

    Mitt should ask Perot to be VEEP. Vote for Shorty and the Blowfish!

    • Arken

      I think Obama should dump Biden for Perot. Then the slogan could be FOUR MORE EARS!

      • Barb

        Arken, I thank you for your really excellent response!

        • Arken

          I really shouldn't be encouraged, but you're welcome.

    • johnnymeatworth

      I'd be happy never to see either of their cracked rearviews ever again, thanks….

  • trondant

    We could always go back to selling the Brooklyn Bridge to a different sucker every week.

    • Shaddup!

      How do you think NYC avoided bankruptcy this last decade????

      • prommie

        Because of the influx of very hardworking immigrants which bolsters the economy and increases tax revenues?

        • Who you think was wet enough behind the ears to buy the bridge?

          Hell, I put my kid through college on that!

  • For every miserable misguided profit guided war he starts, he should enlist one of his brood into Army just like Lucille Bluth did. Problem is that he's only got five sons.

  • noodlesalad

    So now can Obama get some prime Manhattan real estate for killing bin Laden and a Cadillac for saving the American automobile industry?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Real estate?! When we he apologize for those outrages/successes?

      • noodlesalad

        You're right. He'd probably just try to build a mosque anyway.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nah, give him an Audi R8.

      • mayor_quimby

        Saw an all black r8 n the way home today, made my day! They just look so light, as f they might take flight like Minority Report.

    • Negropolis

      He already has a Cadillac. It's called the Beast, I believe, and it's armored like a tank.

      Sorry for the lack of snark, but Michiganders get a bit proud when you start discussing domestic autos.

  • Antispandex

    So, if gas prices don't go down, he'll let me have his house? I'm in!

    • Buckminster

      Car elevator included? Please, I'm so in.

  • A performance bonus for Congress?

    That's called a SuperPAC, idjit.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Mitt wants government to work like the private sector — which means he gets a shitload of money for a bonus whether he succeeds or fails. Hell, the bastard's still getting paid for his job at Bain Capital — I don't know about any of you, but I stop getting paid the moment I leave a job.

    • Tax cut? I get a bonus! 20% of the savings the Amercian people receive. They can send me checks.

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's because you work for the gubbmint.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    How 'bout he puts all of his money in a trust, and for every month there is more than 5% unemployment, unemployment compensation is drawn from the trust?

    And, for every social program cut to fund the Department of Defense, he has to have one of his kids join the military.

    I would almost vote for him to see that happen.

    • scvirginia

      Too Much Logic!

  • Come here a minute

    If you do particularly well you get to use the "Employee of the Month" car elevator.

    • mayor_quimby

      Just don't fuck with my red Swingline stapler.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Well, if he sold off parts of the US to China, he would definitely lose his bonus from the people who elected him. However, he would more than make up the loss through the kickbacks from China. Hey, don't get pissy you proles…it's just business, nothing personal.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Well, if he sold off parts of the US to China, he would definitely lose increase his bonus from the people corporate plutocrats who elected him.


      • And, just think! If he sold off the citizens for their organs first …

    • GeorgiaBurning

      If he sold off enough states, he could ensure his re-election in 2016- plus collect a bonus. Win-win. Good luck with the Chinese lessons, Lo Xanjalis!

  • coolhandnuke

    There is so much romance and energy in the Romney marriage that Ann refers to their sex life as "my private sector is controlled by a vulture capitalist."
    Carrion my dear…carrion indeed.

  • MrFizzy

    Until now it had been nearly impossible to imagine anything worse than W.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Great photo! Just last week I saw Ole Newt. He was quite upset.

    So off his game, he put the wrong color polish on my shoes.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I hope you told him to go get his fucking shine box.

  • SoBeach

    Why don't former elected officials ever lobby for private sector jobs by insisting that corporations should be run more like the government? Because that would be stupid. Just like insisting the government would be better if run like a corporation is stupid.

    Unfortunately, it's just the kind facile stupidity that appeals to idiotic voters who don't know the first thing about private business OR government.

    Mittens, on the other hand, knows the difference. He knows it's a stupid idea. That doesn't stop him from proposing it, though. Because he's a venal, grasping, ego-driven putz who will literally say anything to get elected.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I will never, ever, vote for anyone who brags about his or her business experience as a qualification for seeking election to government.

      • BlueStateLibel

        Do you know the last U.S. president whose experience was in business? His name is a curse uttered by grandparents even today.

        • bobbert

          Truman? Admittedly, his business experience was mostly failing at it.

  • OneYieldRegular

    This guy. I'm surprised he doesn't need an oxygen tank in order to breathe the air outside of a corporate boardroom.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    We (DoD) tried this incentive pay system under Rumsfeld starting about 10 years ago. It's a nice idea theoretically, higher performers get higher pay. Unfortunately, here in reality, the bosses would always skew the results of the employee appraisals (upon which your pay was based) to favor their buddies and the ass-kissers and brown-nosers. Obama got rid of the system as soon as he took office. If I ever meet Rumsfeld in person, I'm going to cock punch him just for this, if nothing else, and there's plenty else for which he deserves cock-punching.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Incentives? Why the fuck don't the pols just do their fuckin' jobs???!!!

    • scvirginia

      So often we're better off when they don't do their jobs. Or at least don't do what they promised to do "if elected".

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Ah, you got a point there…for sure.

  • prommie

    Being a lifelong democrat is pretty much the same as being a masochist, isn't it? I voted for Carter. I voted for Mondale. I voted for Dukakis. But worst of all, I voted for that fucking DLC NAFTA-loving close the factories sell out to the financial industry and sign Gramm Leach Bliley motherfucker who fucked more working democrats than Reagan even, Bill Motherfucking Clinton triangulating bastard.

    • OneDollarJuana

      You forgot the Telecommunications Act of 1996 which allowed Fox News to be created, and for our world to be ultimately destroyed. Sooner than always happens to empires.

      • prommie

        Seriously, I can't understand Clinton-loving liberals, Clinton was just a lip-bitin', intern-screwing Reagan

        • bobbert

          Well, the names Ginsburg and Breyer come to mind. I don't have to love Bubba, or ignore his flaws, or particularly like the DLC, in order to remember that it seemed pretty fucking important at the time that the Democrats win a fucking Presidential election, and it was pretty obvious in 1992 that that wasn't going to be done by a genuine liberal.

      • prommie

        Well, Rupert paid "Speaker Gingrich" $4 million in cash (book advance) to get that piece of shit passed. But the veto? Where was the fucking veto?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        And Clinton signed that goddamned DOMA which emboldened the homo-hatin' groups for fuckin' YEARS

    • real_dc_native

      In many ways Nixon was more of a progressive than Clinton and that jerk Carter brought religion to the presidential campaign.

    • Negropolis

      Only Democrats sit back and denigrate their politicians like this. And this is also a big part of the reason Democrats don't win shit. They don't want to.

      But, at least you get to be "pure."

  • metamarcisf

    Headline of the day (Yahoo):

    "Homeless Man Gets to Keep a Bag of Toot"

    • OneDollarJuana

      In other news, "Homeless Man Loses Snoot".

  • Barb

    Thanks for giving me my kitten avatar back, Rebecca. You are the bestest!

    • scvirginia

      Hello Kitty! (To coin a phrase…)

      • Barb

        You got your avatar back! Yay!

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Barb, is there a request form or a ransom to get Nipper back?

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Wow, asked and received!!

        • scvirginia

          Strangely, my av didn't ever go away. I sure missed seeing all the other av's though- I felt sort of exposed.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Aw, I told everyone they had to deletes me cause I'm too badass.

  • edgydrifter

    Hedge Fund Manager / Repo Man 2012

  • Hey! I see avatars! Not everyone, but many more!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    So, if I vote for Mitt, could I get Ireland as my incentive payoff?

  • Goonemeritus

    I love when they look to the private sector for how to treat customers. I have spent my life in the private sector and I can tell you compared to my biggest dollar customers my small customers don’t even get the courtesy of a reach around.

    • Chichikovovich

      And as it happens, that attitude is exactly what Mitt is talking about when he says he'll run government like a business.

  • anniegetyerfun

    The CNN article hinted at something like how Rmoney didn't draw any salary as governor? And that he might do the same as Preznit? That's not how businesses work! Except, like, Apple. And that's a fake business.

    • Negropolis

      The mayor of Detroit and governor of Michigan did the same thing…for one year, and then both were found to have been taking their salaries in subsequent years without alerting anyone, of coourse. I fucking hate these stunts.

  • Estproph

    The new American workforce will get the incentive of a bowl of soup and a cardboard box to live in. Personally I think the best incentive for America is the defeat of Romney. I'm all for that!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, is this the pretext for Romney to get out of the campaign, since becoming president would mean he would not get paid what he is worth on the open market?

    • scvirginia

      I like the way you think!

  • Here's an incentive: it's called the fucking Oath of Office, and if you pervert your service to the nation, you go to fucking jail.

    • Guppy

      Like Boehner's House would vote to impeach…

      EDIT: neither would Pelosi's but w/e

  • JustPixelz

    When I worked for the county government, they wanted to create a bonus/incentive for employees to save money. If we found a cheaper way to do or buy something, we'd get a share of the difference. Hooray for us! Except that meant we didn't do our diligence when we asked for the appropriation. Or we were shortchanging the taxpayers by not doing something well (or at all). Because of incentives. So the idea fizzled.

    Congress doesn't need incentives ("bribes") to do their job. Perhaps they need balls. Like the ones Mitt used to skip Vietnam.

  • OldWhiteLies

    I trying to work out how bad it would be to have my state sold to Canada.

    Single payer healthcare – Yay!
    Stoopid ass tory gubmint – Yecchy!
    Hockey – Yay!
    Tar sands thingy – Yecchy!
    Rick Mercer – Yay!
    Beeibser & Dion – Yecchy!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Canadian Accent: Bleh.

      • OldWhiteLies

        I find them rather soothing myself – even the Francophones sound lyric to me. But then I am an amateur anthropologist and linguist, so languages, dialects, & accents are a delight of mine.

        • Negropolis

          They sound like ducks, and you know it.

    • Guppy

      Yeah, the Japandroids are the only Canadian musicians I can think of that don't make me want to nuke Canada.

    • Negropolis

      Selling is taking too long. I'd settle for an invasion.

      I live in Michigan and can assure you I'd greet them as they came across the waters as liberators.

  • Steverino247

    Here's my problem with incentive pay.

    You say I need to "exceed expectations" to get a pay increase? OK, I've done that the past four years. Oh, you say you didn't budget for incentive pay increases? No problem. I'm looking for other employment. When I get it, enjoy the exit interview.

  • scvirginia

    Incentivizing is one of my all-time least favorite words. Makes me feel all incendiary, or sumpin'.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

      Makes me feel rotisserie and perspicacious.

      • scvirginia

        Mmmmm- rotisserie! Nom nom!

  • widestanceromance

    WTF-evs, because he doesn't even know anyone who makes a paltry president's salary.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    “I do believe in linking my incentives and my commitment to the accomplishment of specific goals. I wish we had that happen throughout government.”

    …said the private sector millionaire, running for public office.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Yes, Mitt, let's talk about incentives. Let's talk about stock options.

    Let's talk about _my_ 401K, bubb.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Isn't running Gov like a business akin to driving a ship like you drive sheep?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Romney, if elected, is in line for a government pension of around $200,000 to be paid each year. Former presidents are also provided with a staff and office space upon leaving office. Stationery and telephone service is included.

    The benefits can really add up. According to the Congressional Research Service, the General Services Agency spent $518,000 on allowances for former President Carter in 2008. Meanwhile, $786,000 was spent on George H.W. Bush while Bill Clinton's allowance topped $1,160,000 the same year.

    Man, Clinton becomes more and more loathesome to me with every passing day.

  • No nation would be interested in acquiring Michigan but it would be lovely if Canada were to acquire this godforsaken place.

    • Guppy

      With or without Yoopers?

      • Negropolis

        Oh, definitely with.

  • prommie

    Boy you wanna talk about unaccountable bloated glacially slow bureaucracies, the private sector is absolutely identical to the public sector, I deal with both, and man, fucking utilities, especially, and BIG mofos like the automakers, you cannot get anyone to stick their neck out to make a decision ever for nothing because noone ever wants to get in trouble before they retire, and they will delay you forever in the hope that you will just die of old age before they have to fucking do anything. Like kicking a dinosaur in the ass, except it takes 30 years to turn around and look at you. Thats the simple explanation for why the oil companies aren't all over alternative energy instead of fighting it tooth and claw and clinging to their drying-up oil teat, its just sheer inertia and idiocy, just like government.

    • you make the most salient provocative points prommie but all day i've been fixated on your avatar.

      i am a chick over 30 and am easily confounded.

      • prommie

        I've been fixated on my avatar since I was about 20.

  • hagajim

    I listen to anything Mitt says and all I can think of is meeting my "stretch" goals….fap fap fap.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Now I see Mitt's plan:

    Step 1: Use funding from venture capital investors (See: Koch) to bamboozle American electorate. Get elected.

    Step 2: Sell stock in America, Inc (USA) short.

    Step 3: Impose stupid economic policies.

    Step 4: Watch USA stock price crash.

    Step 5: Reap huge profit from transaction. Pay off investors.

    Step 6: Use remaining profit to buy USA stock cheap and take majority ownership.

    Step 7: Fire all citizens. Hire some back at minimum wage (no benefits). Sell Alaska to Russia (Sarah Palin thrown in free). Restructure remainder. Maybe shutdown Michigan entirely.

    Step 8: Sell America, Inc to China at huge profit.

    Step 9: Move to Australia.

    Step 10: See Step 1.

  • BlueStateLibel

    As if Mittens knows anything about "incentives." When he was at Bain, it didn't matter if the leveraged buyout company he bought did well or went bankrupt, he still walked away with boat loads of money. Creepy jerk is getting on my last nerve.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    According to standard Corporate CEO bonus setting formulas, if Mitt Romney plunges us into a truly apocalyptic Great Depression, his bonus should be:


    Add another couple hundred million if he get's us to zero employment.

  • edgydrifter

    The balls on this guy. Only Mitt Romney would take time out of his campaign for President of the United States of America to ask the country "yeah, but what's in it for me?"

  • That was the first thing that occured to me when I saw this. I was all like, dude, you are the most powerful man on the planet if you win, what fucking incentive did you need?

  • prommie

    This all is just coded teacher-bashing, I think.

  • Callyson

    Mittens *does* know that presidents don't get bonuses, right? Making "incentive pay" rather irrelevant if (God help us) he *is* elected?

    • Generation[redacted]

      What about a stock purchase plan?

  • DahBoner

    I'd be willing to pay a $100 incentive to any Republican willing to STFU…

  • BarackMyWorld

    At this point I'm almost (but not really) wishing Romney would get elected just so I can laugh at what a miserable failure he'd be at keeping his own ridiculous promises of balancing the budget and getting that 4% growth rate, without ever raising taxes or blaming his predecessor for the problems he inherited.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Ask not, "What can my country do for me?" ask "What outrageously generous compensation package does the CEO of Amercia-Corp receive?"

  • ttommyunger

    How about do your job or get fired? I call that incentive, but then I'm not a fucking genius like Mittens.

  • alteredimages

    It's not hard to explain, Mittens, you little wind-up toy. The incentive is you get to be the most powerful celebrity in the world, give or take a few, and you get to be adored and beloved if you make the country run well. You need a happysnack just to demean yourself to be president? Please. Please, just go back to being an amoral job-rapist.

  • real_dc_native

    Make government work like the private sector?
    Like when you let some part of your business blow 2 billion bucks on bad bets?
    But you get your bonus anyway? Those kind of incentives?

    I guess wars are kind of like trillion dollar bad bets so I'm starting to see how this could work.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Also the sweet deal he worked out where they would give him his old job back, lie about why he was back, and make up for any bonuses he missed while he was away. WHAT AN INCENTIVE TO DO GOOD WORK!

  • Franknflower

    Here's a fun story. My Republican brother in law worked very hard at his job to obtain an incentivized bonus. When he reached his goal, the company just moved the goal post. Now he really has incentive to perform!!!

    • you MUST please keep posting on the family progress

      and i hope he's now a democrat.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Oh is that what you believe, Mr. Romney?

    "Bain sweetened the offer. He guaranteed that if the experiment failed, Romney would get his old job and salary back, plus any raises handed out during his absence.

    Romney had one more concern: the impact on his reputation should he prove unable to do the job. In the end, Bain agreed to craft a cover story if necessary, promising to bring Romney back to the consulting firm and explain Romney’s return as a matter of his being more valuable to Bain as a consultant.

    “So,” Bain says, “there was no professional or financial risk.” "

  • sbj1964

    President Mittens? Terrorist will be shaking in their boots.

  • lulzmonger

    Running government like a business?

    As of 1789 1917 1945 2008, that meme should be deader than Elvis.

    Get back to me when Exxon has to buy its own aircraft carriers.

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