Sad news from Arizona. Menacing idiot Jesse Kelly has lost the special election to replace Gabby Giffords in the House. Giffords’ former district director, Ron Barber — who was also injured the day Giffords was shot — will serve the remaining six months of her term. Luckily, the next election is only six months away! Third time is the charm, right vaguely robotic and suspiciously McVeighish perennial candidate Kelly? Right!
Let us relive Jesse Kelly’s greatest hits together, here. First there was the time Jesse Kelly became Miss Teen South Carolina, like such as. (Hint: the question was “What do you think about healthcare, is it a right or a privilege?”) He personally believes …
My belief system is this. The health care for anybody but especially for our nation. The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government. What I believe is that all things we drive, we do, health care, anything, is a privilege to some extent. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe.
And then there was this:
Don’t let those GOPpies force you out of the race just because you keep losing, over and over, because people are put off by your smug fascism, and also by how you are a moron. Stay, Jesse Kelly. Stay.
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FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!
The moar douches the better, is my philosophy
What? Are Arizonans starting to feel shame?
Just the immigrants from Florida.
That seemed unlikely until I realized that these would be the people who left Florida. So, props to ya.
One can only hope, although its not likely.
I suspect they just got confused again.
Ya know, I wonder…….Gaby's hubby is Mark Kelly……so maybe some thought that he was running and voted against him.
And there was a lot of talk about him running for Gabby's seat.
Oh, ugh. There goes my minute of joy at the thought of AZ finally getting their shit together.
Hey MB, howz the hive mind treatin' ya?
They're, they're…evolving!
I smell another second amendment solution in the works…
SURVEYORS MARKS! Get your fresh Surveyors Marks here!
Well, the Second Amendment was put there by Jesus and the other founding apostles to protect us from Tyranny, which of course is defined as "when the other party wins the election." Or when there is a black president, which also counts as fascism, socialism, communism, anarcho-syndicalism, spondylosis, cancer, baby-killing, and everything else in all the world thats bad.
And. Painful priapismic itch. Also.
So thats why I have had this permanent itchy hard-on for so long! It is amazing, the things you discover, here at the Wonkette!
The heartbreak of psoriasis. Never forget!!!!!!1!
I was just listening to old Tom Waits last night.
Uh … is that you, Prommie? Gosh, you're cute.
Don't even *think* that thought!
So true! This time they'll have to find a malleable nutcase with better gun skills.
In November he can run against that other gun nut and his sons.
They should all just move to Tombstone and shoot it out at the OK Corral.
I'm sure that FOX News will spend a week on how this represents a failure for the Romney campaign, just as they did on Obama after Wisconsin.
And they'll ceaselessly inform us of how crucial this race was for some reason, unions or… onions? But certainly Democrats will shriek, "DID YOU NOT GET THE MESSAGE IN ARIZONA? VOTERS DON'T WANT BIG CONSERVATIVE RETARDS."
America is Over
Too bad Arizona isn't close enough to the ocean to disappear when the sea levels rise.
It will be soon.
That takes too long. As I've said for a decade now, just cede it back to Mexico.
That would make them so angry, to be part of those brown peoples' country.
That's nothing — think of how angry Mexico would be!
Why, they'd probably force the Hoveround contingent to pick the marijuana crops for migrant wages!
^^^^^
This.
we could just flood the place. New Mexico needs a beach.
Don't worry. It will be sucked up into space when the rapture comes.
The water won't get that high? Yer one a them optimists folks, eh?
Dude, we'll just, like, pass a law, yaknow?
Srsly. This is the only time I wish AZ were between CA and the sea.
How did this formally cool country end up with assholes up to our armpits spouting nonsensical sloganeering douchebaggerie such as this? My apologies to douchebags.
defund the educational system, end up with morans. who could have seen that coming?
defund the educational system, create a shouty 24 news cycle that panders to the lowest common denominator, create an Internet where every high plains drifter thinks that freedom of speech means what you say must have an immediate effect, censor art/television/music that shows love in many forms, but make video games where little kids can vicariously put a bullet into someone's brain.
Oh, and on the last one…did you hear the one about how the new Tomb Raider game has Laura Croft needing to fight off a rapist? I wonder how many players will put down the controller and just watch it happen.
What a world.
Reagan.
Reagan's puppeteers. That affable idiot didn't have enough between his ears to actually formulate policy.
In my case, and to paraphrase Kurt Vonnegut, I woke up one morning to find that the assholes I went to high school with were running the country.
Any truth to the rumor that Kelly has said that the November election should be decided by a duel?
It should be decided by 6th grade civics quiz.
There seem to be soooo many people who are just so butthurt by the fact that the president is black! It seems to have made them turn into permanent anger-bears, so so so gun-clenching angry all the time. And they're all running for office!
Hell, SOMEbody's got to take ARE CUNTRY BACK, Commie, or is it Prommie?
IS it Prommie? Looks a lil' less stabby, and a bit more prom queen?
I guess he wasn't kidding about Wonketz fapping to his av.
Is there anyone who still doesn't think Obama Derangement Syndrome is real?
Only that proportion of the population whose ability to understand these issues is substantially skewed by the fact that they appear to be suffering from it.
Shouldn't this be a referendum on something? Or does that MSM narrative only apply when GOPers win?
such as.
Many US Americans didn't have maps to the polls.
So full of win.
So his campaign focused on lowering taxes, lowering gas prices by using American energy, and creating jobs didn't work?
Wait, is that what he campaigned on? He should have mentioned it a few dozen more times in a row.
Ugh, that fucking video. I'd be justifiable mouth-punched if I behaved like that with a normal person.
So full of stupid.
Kelly could actually achieve some notable progress in DC if he just sticks to the broken-record schtick and not pass any legislation.
He'll achieve even MOAR progress NAOW, since he's not going to be there to impede it.
Jesse Kelly, the Republican nominee in Arizona’s 8th congressional district best known for holding fundraisers with M16 automatic rifles
Well, there's his problem right there. AK – 47's or GTFO.
His voters kept getting jammed?
Wouldn't that be Californians?
oooh, as a Californican I gotta say that's a good burn.
WHAT! you fucking commie. How dare you sell out 'MURKA for a Russian firearm!
You mean to tell me he should pack a COMMIE weapon!? America Libel!!!
Why the fuck was he wearing a suit in the desert? Every wing nut worth his salt knows you're supposed to wear desert camo for your illegals patrols.
The only thing we have to fear is Jesse Kelly making one of those, "You won't have Jesse Kelly to kick around any more" speeches… because we all know how those turn out.
Well obviously, the ghost of Acorn stole the election from him, so he has the right to stand his second amendment ground!
I've read his statement before and twice today. It still makes no sense. Do they have a Rosetta Stone for wingnutese?
I ran it through Google translate and got a very detailed order for Chinese take-out.
No Peking Duck today! You get flied lice instead!
Word. I would've understood it more if he were speaking Swahili.
El Pinche speaks it as a third language. We should ask HIM to translate.
I think we can make a reasonable guess: "the President is blah".
Essentially, yes. But I'm sure there's a buttload of bloodthirsty nuance in there that we're worse off for not knowing.
The photo makes him appear as a arrogant prick. After watching the video again, I can conclude he is an arrogant prick.
Now look here, I am an arrogant motherfucker, and thats putting things tactfully, and I can be a prick, too, a slashing, blood-drawing prick, and I tell you this, on my very worst most arrogant and bruisingly prickish day, I was not 1/10th the asshole this guy looks to be. Don't be blaming it on the arrogant prickishness, is what I am saying, this guy does have that, but he is also toting a huge load of total asshole and fucking douchebag around on his shoulders, too.
Don't blame the photo, dude. This guy came with ArrogantPrick 2.0 installed.
There is no chance in hell that the teabaggers are gonna let this motherfucker lose three times in a row. I'd love to eavesdrop on the backroom deals that result in Jesse taking a job at Breitbart while an even bigger lunatic ends up on the ballot in Nov.
Why does he look like a cross between Jason Statham and a butler?
Clearly, Jesse Kelly's car elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Jesse Kelly's car elevator is missing a car.
But not missing a shaft…
Who started this right-wing meme that our taxes are paying for the cell phones of homeless people (who, as we all know, are blah)?
I do so love the smell of defeated douchebaggery. So invigorating!
Faux News' coverage of this race never failed to mention that the district leans Republican, implying a somewhat petulant "It's our seat and we deserve to win," although they almost never seem to mention that the Republican running is a complete moron. Clearly there was some voter fraud going on here.
Time to call in James O'Keefe! And because you know there were Messicans involved, a call to Arpaio wouldn't be amiss either.
All those Messicans in Tucson studying at U of A.
Damn, you be needin' to lean a lot further than just Republican to be where Jesse's at. They do GET that, don't they? That the guy's a total fucking idiot douchebag?
Inscrutable. And not in the good way.
I doubt anything would want to scrute him.
Actually, if we stopped subsidizing these delightfully rustic inbred iguana molesters with water piped through the system of Gubmint built and maintained conduits that connect their precious hellscape with areas boasting liquid water they would swiftly degenerate into tribes of violent desert nomads extracting water from the flesh of the dead in an effot to stave off death by dehydration and, perhaps, intermittently water their lawns .
Send in the recon drones and put the entire thing on pay per view, thus retiring a significant portion of our current national debt.
delightfully rustic inbred iguana molesters
I am finding this fun to say out loud as well as reread~
"Delightfully Rustic Inbred Iguana Molesters" is what I'm naming my next band.
I was thinking of naming my next cat that.
People who are able to live in the desert drinking water supplied through government funded water projects should just shut the fuck up about paying taxes.
Long have I searched for an equally bloodthirsty and insane kindred soul.
I like this idea. We could also, too, start shipping some of our white-collar criminals there. You know. Save on the cost of housing and feeding them, since they're bound to be turned into jerky within days, at most.
These are the times I regret not studying High Gibberish harder in high school.
Jesse's head looks too small. He should get the Bunyon treatment.
I thought you were asking for volunteers to reduce his feet to art objets with the skillful application of small metal hammers, but.
It would appear that you're referring to our Painter of Blight, David Bugnon.
Such a pity.
can't we do both?
(prepares collection of small metal hammers) Be right with you.
*regards photo*
When did Luke Wilson decide to dismantle ol' nutter Val Kilmer as itinerant-actor King-Wingnut of the Southwest?
It's that bemused expression.
My belief system is this. You are a dumbfuck.
That fact merely requires observation, not belief.
Barber 52%, Kelly 46%. That's the same margin Scott Walker got in his "landslide" victory in Wisconsin! Have the Repubican's learned the lessons of Arizona? The American people have spoken*.
______________________________
* Actually, national Republican Pete Sessions said Barber lied his way into victory. Kids! Ya gotta cut 'em some slack.
Somewhere waaaay back in the old country I have a common ancestor with this idiot. For shame.
This guys family tree is bamboo, Apparently your grandmother could run faster than her brother. .
She was also smart enough not to move to the middle of the fucking desert after nearly starving to death from a potato shortage.
Oh, there was no *shortage.* That was an attempted genocide.
True-there was plenty of food in Ireland. But it was all for export. It wasn't that the Irish people would only eat potatoes, it's that their English overlords didn't *let* them have anything else. Even when the famine started, the landlords refused to let any of the grain or other foodstuffs stay in-country.
Oh, I know. I've just covered that too many times here to bother getting into it again. Shortage seemed succinct enough for that comment.
Trust me, a large portion of my childhood was spent listening to the old men blubber on about it at the Gaelic League. To this day, when I drink enough whisky their Irish brogue comes out in my accent.
If his name was Noah, I wouldn't sweat it- we're all in the same boat. I mean ark.
My deepest sympathies.
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
Thats whatt I beleive. Do you?
It's just common sense.
You made my brain hurt.
That transcript is wrong. We all know Jesse Kelly is not smart enough to know the difference between "your" and "you're," even when he's speaking.
Sounds like just the VP candidate Romney needs, especially with his robot like ability to stay on message by repeating it verbatim over and over again. Romney/Kelly 2012!
I think the real test of VP aptitude will be if he can stand by his statements that he doesn't remember making, followed by a "take back!" five minutes later.
“If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe.”
After all there is almost no difference between an emergency appendectomy and a cell phone.
There might not be if we took his cellphone and shoved it up his butt.
J_W, I LIKE you! What a terrific idea!
Though, just to clarify, I don't want to be the one to do that. Butt, I might supervise.
I hear you can get industrial strength full-arm gloves, if that helps.
It's very kind of you not to mention the complete lack of coherence in any of the previous mishmash of utterances.
Is Sarah Palin giving speaking lessons or something? Or are all these people functionally brain-damaged in the same exact way? Because this inability to form and utter a coherent train of thought is beginning to worry me.
He's too young to be that stupid.
He "prayerfully considers" all his actions with his beautiful wife who is equally God-fearing and they just do what Jesus tells them. It's impossible not to be stupid when you don't ever think for yourself. And judging by that quotation above, either Jesus doesn't speak in complete sentences or he's got static on his line to heaven.
Looks like some people woke up for this one.
In 2010 Gaby got 131,847 and this time Barber had
147,000 mail-in early votes .
Yeah, I'm lookin' through this thread about the Wonketeers wanting to flood AZ, and wondering WHY when they finally did the right thing?
Very heartening.
"What I Believe."
I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.
(Props to Steve Martin – http://snltranscripts.jt.org/79/79smono.phtml)
So, "Life" is an inalienable right but healthcare, which is effectively what you do to stay alive, it's not. This dude is a certifiable moron, no doubt about it.
I'd forgotten what an overwrought mess that Shakespeare's Sister video was.
I actually tried to watch it because you said that.
And failed. Dismally.
That song reminds me of every gf i had in the 90s.
Girl: "Stay with me!! I love you"
(2 sec later)
Girl: "I hope you DIE! DIE DIE!.. STIE STA ..stay, lets spoon! "
Man you sure knew how to pick 'em.
Maybe by November that suit will fit him?
No American flag lapel pin? Why does Jesse Kelly hate America?
The Koch family got too cheap with a South Asian vendor and ended up with crummy software; can someone reload the vocal parsing file on this android?
That's what happens when you outsource to some hack shop where the kids from the local CS program at college hang out.
He looks just like the cactuses behind him, except with folded arms and dressed in a suit.
I notice you didn't say "brains."
My Koch brothers, my Koch brothers, why have you forsaken me?
-This guy
He got $2.1 MILLION in donations from outside the district and he still lost. If we can be sure they won't win, we should get more of these idiots to run for office. Might make a dent in the Koch brothers Cayman accounts.
My belief system is this. What I believe is that all things we drive,
we do, health care, anything. Anything at all. You have to be endowed
by your creative, deliviered without the government. Life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness, those are highest quality and lowest
cost can only be delivered without the government. Then who has the
responsibility to pay for it? If you’re claiming a right, if you’re
going to say anything’s a right, escpecially for the system of our
nation, deliviered without the government. That’s this.If you’re
claiminess, those healthe pursuit of happiness,not cell
phones. That's what I believe.
Does Jesse have an Orly-esque blog where he's busy blaming Hispanics and Jews for his defeat? (He gets bonus points if he also singles out "the coloreds.")
Blog? Mr. and Mrs. Kelly live in dreamland, where it will forever be 1959. Unless Jesus types the blog FOR you, not a chance.
Jessie James. Jessie Jackson. Jessie Helms. Jessie the guy that the lady won't iron the sheets for and now this Jessie guy. Jessie is a bad name for a guy. Except for the guy that had a girl that Rick Springfield wanted, but even then there wasn't enough info on that guy to determine his nature or motives.
Why is this big dumb cunt always hiding his hands? Could it be he has teeny tiny Pat Sajak hands – that match his teeny tiny Republican Goober?
Tiny microcephalic fuckiin' head. Needs some o' Zimmerman's wifey's brain fat.
Srsly, Wayne is worse. Chuck Shepherd said so.
Seriously people, there is good news here. In a district where Republicans have a registration lead over Democrats and bat-shit crazy tea baggers run amok, Jesse Kelly got 88,569 votes. His opponents, Ron Barber plus a candidate run by the Green Party, got 106,041 votes. That's a pretty significant number, especially considering that the last time she ran, Gabby Giffords only won by about 4,000 votes — fewer than the Green Party collected this time.
That means Jesus held back 17,472 votes from Jesse Kelly. Presumably to punish him for not saying thank you for the $60.8 million in stimulus money his family construction business collected from the Federal government. Or maybe just because he looks like such a dolt. Or maybe because the Lord loves Social Security. I can't criticize the way Candidate Kelly speaks because, according to him, he's just channeling the word of God; apparently it's God who can't form a complete sentence. (Maybe the problem in South Carolina, too. Think about it.)
So honestly, I'm having a party today. It's the best I've felt about living in Arizona the whole time I've been here. Much work remains to be done (like creating a vortex to spin Mormons outta here), but there's progress.
Isn't that adorable? They dressed that giant-assed baby in a suit and let him think he was really running for Congress of something. Bless his heart.
As a Norcal resident, the thought makes me sad on so many levels…mexican brown weed picked by fat Minnesota retirees? Ugh.
And, after it became clear that the Irish people were dropping dead of starvation, the brave and generous Queen Victoria donated 5 whole pounds to the cause. (As in moneys, not potatoes.)
You WILL be assimilat … wut? Oh, just fine. It's the hive BODY that's having problems today, unfortunately. On the downside, that means I'll be online a lot, which is probly irritating the living shit outa most of ya. On the upside, at least I'm not up to any shenanigans out there, right?
I've never heard an Irish person refer to it as a famine.
Sort of like Satyajit Ray's Distant Thunder, a beautiful and painful chronicle of the man-made famine of 1943 in Bengal, when the British torched godowns full of rice as part of their "scorched earth policy" to deny the Japanese entry to India, condemning millions to starve to death.
As my Irish friends like to say, "Everything the British did to their colonies, they practiced on us first."
Know the feeling, if you have them, that is.
I suggest stealing prommies new avatar would perk you up.
.
The MittBorg doesn't DO feelings!
I thought Prommie was just giving us something better to fap to. No? (eyes collection of socks)
I have to stick with a Mitt av till after the election. Then I become Weedlord Bonerhitler. Got a cute little av all picked out.
(Prepares gift hamper of whisky and recorders for vodkamuppet)
Skull & crossbones w/ Hitler 'stache?
Please no more fucking recorders!!!
Even better! Contributed by a fellow Wonketteer, no less. But I'm not giving any details till I reveal myself in all my Bonerhitler glory.
LOL. Ya know, I actually have some of those. I use for stripping. Oh, paint stripping, that is…though…this gives me an idea for moonlighting.
S'okay- I'm a liberal in SC- I'm USED to waiting… sigh…
Poor you.
The Filipino Boxspring Hog is a sleeper agent of a MILF Sharia cell.
Pics or GTFO!
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