go directly to jail

Poor George Zimmerman’s Wife Just Cannot Catch A Break

Hey dad I'm in jailFirst George Zimmerman’s wife — uh, let’s see here, Shellie N. Zimmerman, 25 — marries George Zimmerman, who may, just may, be some sort of hyper-aggressive, rage-anoidal homicidal maniac. Then she has to go into hiding for a long time because the New Black Panther Party pretty much wants to murder everyone George Zimmerman has ever met just because he accidentally or something murdered a little boy. And THEN she goes to JAIL!

Will Shellie N. Zimmerman, 25, wife of the NRA’s favorite martyr, ever catch a break? No. She will not. Some people are just born under the kind of unlucky star that makes them lie under oath (ALLEGEDLY!) about whether or not they’ve got $135 large sewn into the lining of their Members Only jackets.

Shellie N. Zimmerman, 25, is out on bail. [CNN]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • Barb

    What a charming couple. What took them so long to arrest her fat ass? It's like they arrest people alphabetically in Florida.

    • MrFizzy

      I'd give her about 15 minutes before she's beating up her cellie.

      • Barb

        A whole bunch of avatars seem to be missing, yours included, Fizzy. Am I the only one who sees this right now?

        • Devilette

          Yeah there's quite a few avatars missing. Including mine!

        • stncmchnc

          I noticed it when I replied to you on the previous thread.

          • CivicHoliday

            oh noes we are all anonymous now!

          • stncmchnc

            Nicely done.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Oh good. I thought I was seeing things & I haven't even cracked open the pale ale yet.

        • MrFizzy

          Nope not the only one. A few fairly odd things happening in elctroworld right now. Sorry about the meow BTW – just an off moment you know. You're the best.

        • Biff

          I have a lot invested in my avatar, it better be here!

        • HempDogbane

          Looks the same to me.

    • johnnymeatworth

      There's probably a centuries-long backup in Florida, to be fair.

    • TribecaMike

      That arse is slippery as an eel.

      • MrFizzy

        Thanks for that image. More like a manatee.

  • nounverb911

    For a start, she should take her hoodie off.

  • MrFizzy

    Pretty average Florida couple. If I was waking up to this beast every day I would opt for jail too.

    • nounverb911

      Which beast? George or Shellie?

      • Generation[redacted]

        All of 'em Katie

      • MrFizzy

        They do have a certain family resemblance now that you sort of pointed it out. Hmmmmm….

      • TribecaMike

        The beast which was prophecised in the Book of Statutes?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    You can't spell Shellie without 'lie'.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      or "hell".

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hey c'mon, she's white. She can't possibly be up to no good.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      You know who else had the letters that spell "lie" in their name?

      • tessiee

        Joe Lieberman?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Damn judge made her miss her shift at Supercuts.

  • nounverb911

    Shellie should go hang out with Rev Terry Jones.

  • Pragmatist2

    This is a lucky break. His attorney is offering a 2 for 1 special this week only.

  • Schmannnity

    Her face explains why George carries a gun.

    • Tommmcattt

      Oh, my, that was funny. I love the mean shit.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Wow, they look a lot alike. Maybe it's the fat mugshot face.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      Oh, so now the libruls are saying George Z. is a tranny!

    • Swampgas_Man

      The camera adds ten pounds!

      • Biff

        OK, so that accounts for 10 of them…

      • glasspusher

        OK, how many cameras does she have on her, then?

      • spinozasgod

        to your face…..

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        That's what I keep telling myself.

      • Negropolis

        You guys are horrible. lol

  • BarackMyWorld

    So…who you think's gonna play the Zimmermans in the inevitable movie?

    • Arken

      Both of them will be played by Martin Lawrence in a fat suit and makeup.

    • LesBontemps

      Brangelina, duh.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Roseanne Barr would have to gain weight for the part.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Paul Rodriguez and Kathy Bates

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Melissa McCarthy and Carlos Mencia.

    • coolhandnuke

      Bristol and whatever Zima treating specimen she's shacking with.

    • johnnymeatworth

      Randy and Evi Quaid?

    • MrFizzy

      I'm thinking Snooki, if she can pack on a few pounds.

    • Not_So_Much

      That chick from Precious and the whiney-ass husband from Jon & Kate +8.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Tom Cruise and John Travolta

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        FTW!

    • Negropolis

      Oh, Jonah Hill and Snooki, no doubt.

    • TribecaMike

      Beats me, but only Guillermo del Toro can direct it.

    • BklynE

      Rob Lowe and Tyler Perry

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh dear, bless Shellie's heart. She's got the face that just screams "People of Wal-Mart."

    • Devilette

      I always try to find something beautiful/nice in a person's face. Pretty eyes, good nose or cheekbones, pretty smile, etc. For only being 25 yrs old, she looks haggard. It could be the stress of this bad situation, but somehow I don't think that's the case.

      • LetUsBray

        If by "this bad situation" you mean "being married to an angry nutter like Geo. Zimmerman", then that may well be the explanation.

      • Negropolis

        You know, I don't think she's ugly, at all. But she does have a "trailerpark chic" look about her, you know, someone you wouldn't be surprised to find cooking meth in the bathroom.

    • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

      Plus she's got that Jesus hair going on…like Bristol.

    • Schmannnity

      What are the odds she has a Confederate flag tramp stamp?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Maybe a lower belly tat that has an arrow pointing down to her hoo-hah that reads "Enter Here"?

        My imagination often prevents me from wanting dinner.

      • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

        Pretty fair odds I'd say.

    • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

      No, she's classier than that. She goes to Sam's Club.

      "Taped phone calls between the couple revealed that they had discussed the money transfers in code to hide the funds, according to the affidavit. The calls also showed that George Zimmerman instructed his wife to "pay off all the bills," including payments to American Express and Sam's Club. Nearly $50,000 was transferred to an account held by Zimmerman's sister."
      http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-06

  • scvirginia

    Are you sure this photo doesn't belong with the stoners post? I'm a little confused…

  • Arken

    From the looks of things, she can't catch anything unless it's walking away really slowly.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Damn, if I painted her orange and set her on my porch this coming Halloween I wouldn't have to deal with those Trick or Treat pests. I'm off to Sherwin-Williams. One gallon or two?

    • elviouslyqueer

      All of them, JW.

  • Sassomatic

    Why is Obama personally persecuting fine upstanding Americans who lie under oath? RACE WAR.

  • tbogg

    Unsurprisingly, 14 comments in and not one "I'd tap that." You people are getting soft. Wait .. that's her face causing that.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Fine. I'd tap that… with an agricultural combine. Then I'd put the combine in reverse, back up, and tap it again.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      I'd spinal tap that then throw it in the garbage.
      (sorry if that was disturbingly harsh).

    • MrFizzy

      Or a horizontal drilling rig to go in through her ear.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Yes, we're getting soft, but if that's an issue, she can get us off in a different way: hiring somebody we'd actually tap.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Damn you!

    • Flat_Earther

      Ugly people can have good sex too…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I dunno … the vibe I'm getting from this charming portrait says that it would take more than a paper bag to solve the problem.

    • stncmchnc

      Needs moar Tom Delay mugshot smile.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Opportunisticly_Joe

      It's okay, she could get us off in a different way.

      P.S: An interesting production note here: I vomited a little in my mouth while writing this.

      • Flat_Earther

        You are getting soft…

        You should have hung around to find out what he meant.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      We were roundly chastised by the new schoolmarms not to be that way because rape.

    • cheetojeebus

      And one has to ask..in what "context" would you "tap" that?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      I used up my one "I'd hit that" of the day in the post with the semi-hot WaPo reporter.

    • hunnybee

      ok.ok. you Wonky Wonketeers have totally destroyed what was left of my so-called mind. now i got to go back on teh meds and back in teh home. i lurves you guys.

  • ph7

    If Sarah Palin had another daughter, she would look like Shellie Zimmerman.

    • Barb

      Oh my God! I started laughing so hard that I had to spit my gum out so I wouldn't choke on it. You are classic!

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      They would lock her in the basement and Piper and Willow would throw scraps down to her and tell her she can join the rest of the family when "she's not so fat".

      • Stevola

        "It puts the lotion on its skin…"

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          "And then it has to listen to mom again!"

    • Negropolis

      I'm sorry, Rebecca, but this is far-and-away the very BEST comment on the week.

    • Stevola

      Sarah or the daughter?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    But Mr. Judge, I only forgot because I was high the whole time.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Behind every stupid man is a stupid woman.

    Or vice versa.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      This reminds me of the recent anular eclipse. Just…not as bright.

      • glasspusher

        Excellent. Two round bodies, though

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You just have to multiply their IQ values … after normalizing. (100 = 1)

  • StarsUponThars

    That photo is 100% foolproof birth control.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Nothing between the ears is almost as effective as aspirin between the knees.

  • lochnessmonster

    But judge it was presents from the NRA not earnings!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Charming wife, George. Shotgun wedding?

  • SayItWithWookies

    She's got a pretty good defense — it would go something like "Hey, your honor — I started a defense fund for a racist stalking psychopath who murdered an innocent teenager in cold blood — how the fuck was I to know it would have more than five bucks in it?"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    She has yet to stand her ground … against a donut, that is.

  • Ryy

    It is just amazing that all the righty blogs and such that could not get enough of Zimmerman, and all their commenters who just went ballistic, all of them have been dead quiet since Zim lied and was sent back to jail.

    • hunnybee

      not a feckin' word has been heard.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Stand Your Frown.

    • Guppy

      It's the ones that smile for their mugshot that you have to worry about.

  • fartknocker

    If her skin was a tad darker she would look like Proposition Joe from The Wire. Unlike her, Prop Joe was a cool character.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Your Honor, it said right on the website that it was a Defense Fund, not a Bail Bond Fund. You wouldn't want us to be defraudin' our supporters, would you?

    • not that Radio

      Would you like to see something completely unholy? Yeah, that's right. It's Orville's body with the face of Andrew Breitbart.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Move all BreitZIG for great justice!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Their saga is currently being developed into an opera called "Porky and Beast" by Julie Taymor. "Zimmertime….and the livin' ain't easy…"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I hope it doesn't involve the highwire stuff…all that snapping cable sound would ruin the performance.

    • Lucidamente1

      "Beast, you is my woman now. . ."

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Beast suddenly stands up next to her lawyer and defiantly sings:

        Well, it ain't necessarily so
        Well, it ain't necessarily so
        They tell all you chillun
        That Porky’s the villain,
        But it ain't necessarily so!

        Trayvon was small, but oh my!
        Trayvon was small, but oh my!
        Hood-face had a frown —
        Porky stood his ground —
        Trayvon was small, but oh my!

        Who says I got money
        to set free my honey?
        It aint ne-ce – ain’t ne-ce
        aint ne-ce – ain’t ne-ce
        Ain’t necessarily…so!

        • scvirginia

          Is this before or after she sings, "I got plenty a nuthin/ And it's hidden right here in my clothes'"?

          • glasspusher

            Sounds like another low budget horror film from Zims Productions. Where is Harry?

    • LesBontemps

      Gives new meaning to "A Woman Is A Sometime Thing."

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I don't think Audra McDonald would win a Tony for that.
      I don't even think she would take the part.
      And, at this point, she doesn't have to. Thankfully.

  • LesBontemps

    Third runner-up in the Divine look-alike contest.

  • Ryy

    Zimmerman was just out looking for Skittles for his wife.

  • emmelemm

    Snark meter turned low, but not entirely off:

    Seriously, she MAY be a horrible human being (there's certainly evidence to suggest it), but she's not THAT ugly.

    • Stevola

      You should get out more

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Please tell me that this couple is not breeding.

    • TribecaMike

      Just what the world needs, another reality show.

  • ElPinche

    Looks like the plot thickens for the conservatives' darling star Zimmerman.

    • LesBontemps

      The plot isn't the only thing that's thickened. Unless her nickname is "The Plot."

  • Goonemeritus

    I ask you do we really want to live in a country that won’t allow you to profit from the suffering of others. Sure her partner caused the suffering but still.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Do you get the awful feeling that, at the end of the day, this pair will end up with their own reality show and/or Fucks Gnus contract, and a boatload of money from Amerikkka's more depraved media outlets?

  • vodkamuppet

    I can't explain why but when I look at this picture all I can think of is biscuits and sausage gravy.

    • glasspusher

      Waffle House FTW

      • Negropolis

        Denny's libel!

  • tweeksmom

    She looks like a pre-op Bristol Palin….

    • stncmchnc

      Indeed, and post-op as well.

  • glamourdammerung

    I can hardly wait to see how getting in trouble for perjury is a "liberal plot to get Zimmerman".

  • Callyson

    Prosecutors have alleged the Zimmermans spoke in code when discussing the money in a credit union account, according to court documents filed by State Attorney Angela B. Corey.

    "Honey, did you put the cake in the oven?"

    Yeah, they're a match made in heaven…

    • HarryButtle

      Ut-pay the oney-may under the atress-may.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Woah. The misogyny is strong here today. I can feel my ovaries starting to cut themselves.

    • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      Nah we don't hate all women. Just pathologically lying ones who are married to racist rage freak murderers and continue to break the law in his defense instead of getting him to man up and take responsibility for his homicidal actions.

      • Guppy

        Comments on Gulnara attacked her character.

        These, not so much.

        • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

          Her husband attacked an unarmed teenager and she is as unrepentant and dishonest as he is. Still don't feel the least bit bad for her

          • Guppy

            I'm not saying "Feel bad for her," I'm saying there's less people saying "She's a terrible person" and more saying "She's an ugly person."

          • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

            Can't she be both?

          • anniegetyerfun

            Yes. I'd rather see comments on chracter than the standard "wow, that's one ugly bitch" thing.

    • HoytClagwell

      It's making me feel a bit cringe-y too. Aren't we supposed to be better than this — attacking someone for their appearance?

      • anniegetyerfun

        Well, it's not that I've never done it before. But it's not usually ALL I do. Oh, wait. With the exception of Huckabee.

      • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

        Her husband attacked, and killed, a young boy for his, and she criminally supported it by committing perjury on his behalf. Don't lose any sleep over it.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Meanwhile, the Governor of the Great State of Florida is trying to get as many Bah folks as possible off the voting rolls – because it sure does look like (r)Money needs that state to win.

    This time I hope the fucking Democrats are prepared. Watch "Unprecedented; the 2000 Presidential Election" if you don't believe me.

    Dang! Here we goes again…

    • TribecaMike

      One bit of good news about that is he can't get a single FL county voting official to go along with his nefarious plan.

  • TribecaMike

    I'm not saying she's stupid, but this morning her lawyer had to inform her that it's not called the "Three Kikes and You're Out" law.

    • swordfis

      The history of the four Marx Brothers

      • TribecaMike

        "Who's on tsuersht?" Oh wait, that's Abbot & Costello.

        And alas nobody ever remembers Gummo. :-(

  • wonkettkinkster

    There's a joke in here about a variety of fats and the Zimmerman pantry. Someone cleverer than I make one, please.

    Here's some starting points:
    Vegetable shortening
    Lard
    Bacon fat
    Butter
    Margarine

    Any other fat suggestions are welcome.

    • TribecaMike

      Not to repeat rumors, but I hear that around the bar scene she's known as Mac & Sleaze, as well as The Bisque Bizootch.

  • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    Oh she caught a break alright. Looks like she caught the whole damn Kit – Kat bus

  • shortsandpants

    In context you cannot blame a Zimmerman, or the many Zimmermans that have been eaten by other Zimmermans during times of famine, or abundance.

    • TribecaMike

      Thankfully, Bobby Zimmerman has so far managed to avoid that fate, probably because they train zombie hunters early in the Minnesota Iron Range, or at least they did back in the fifties before education budget cuts.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    There's no reason to suspect, however, that they are not otherwise on the level.

  • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    Exactly, how many other articles have Wonketeers had fun at the expense of someone's appearance aside from this travesty and Mema. Skoalrebel, Michelle Bachmann, Marcus Bachmann, countless others. Its not misogyny, its irreverence. We come here to snark and by no means are attacks on her attacks on women in general. If someone typed "Shes a fat beast and a whore and so are all women," that is misogyny and would be unacceptable. She, however, is someone who actively chose to do the wrong thing, to support a murderer instead of an innocent little boy, and if the worst thing that happens to her is some anonymous people on the internet call her fat then she should consider herself lucky. I don't mean to sound harsh but your concern is misplaced – she's lied about this who knows what else about that night she's lied about and as far as I'm concerned, thanks to her actions, she is nearly as complicit in that poor boys death and subsequent cover up as her homicidal husband and his scurrilous father.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Bollocks. The criticism of this woman is aimed almost entirely at her appearance. Is she totally awesome as a human being? No. Is she a frightened idiot? Yes. Could she be a terrible, hateful racist? I don't know. I don't know what's going through her head, but people make some pretty terrible decisions when it comes to defending people that they love. She isn't an elected official and she hasn't offered much in the way of public statements (unlike Bachmann and her ilk). I'd just rather attack her actions than her face at this rate.

      • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

        How is perjuring yourself in a court of law, on the public record, not a public statement?

        • anniegetyerfun

          I mean that there is a difference between this woman and someone like Sarah Palin, who has enough money and consultants to make better decisions than to have lipliner tattooed on or to wear hideous wig pieces.And, like I said (or other have said and I have agreed with, I honestly can't remember which at this point), there is more “look at the fat cow” going on here today than “I can't believe that she did that.”Of course, I CAN believe that she did that, because otherwise normal people sometimes do horrible things to try to help people they love. She made a terrible decision, but whether she made it in desperation or simply with the heart of a terrible bigot, I will never know.

          • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

            She may be an otherwise normal person, but she has inserted herself onto the wrong side of this and undoubtedly committed a crime in support of a murderer. I will reiterate, jokes are at her expense are the least of her worries; her being married to a violent psychopath should be the greatest. She is, by her own choice, now a public figure. A law abiding person would not have perpetrated the crime of perjury, and a moral person would have distanced herself from her murderous spouse. She is getting the least of what's coming to her, and hopefully her husband will get his as well. A boy is dead for the crime of walking while black, and love is not an excuse for aiding and abetting a murderer and a liar. I mean none of this disagreement personally, honestly with a fellow Wonketeer it feels like a fight between siblings, but I have no respect or compassion for this woman or anyone else related to the cover up of this or any other crime

          • anniegetyerfun

            Yes, she appears to be a criminal. Which is the real issue here, not her face or her waistline and that's why I was surprised to see comment after comment about her appearance. It's not that we never snark on appearance here – it's just that it's not the majority of comments.

            ETA: It's not a personal fight or anything. I'm just surprised by what I am reading.

          • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

            I'm glad you're not taking it personally, because I love all of you guys (and gals) and thats why I come and comment here daily. What I do take personally is her tacit support of her husbands crime; having grown up in Memphis where racism is rampant and trash like this couple are the norm, her behavior is unfortunately to be expected and this is a case where a book is appropriately judged by its cover. Her and her husband's ugly and vicious personalities are expressed outwardly in their ugly and vicious appearance. I apologize on behalf of my comments and the rest of the community's if you were offended, but I feel no guilt on her behalf. Not all unattractive people are criminals, without a doubt, and humor and snark are a way for all of us to vent our disgust with the even more disgusting nature of our "Land of the free, home of the brave's" more trogolyditic denizens, instead of drowning ourselves in booze. Her husband killed a boy because of his appearance, we snark on hers. The depths of depravity to which a disconcerting amount of our populace descend bother all of us, and getting a cheap laugh is still getting a laugh instead of crying ourselves to sleep at the amorality of so much of our supposedly moral country.

  • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

    Racists Who Kill & The Affectless Women Who Love Them

  • pfavero

    She is living the dream of a mob wife, taking the rap for her husband, refusing to snitch.

  • TribecaMike

    John Waters has finally found a leading lady to replace Ricki Lake. Lights, camera, lunch!

  • chascates

    Shifting funds around amongst family members before a highly publicized trial isn't a really good idea. Maybe they should start looking for the 'real killer'.

  • C_R_Eature

    Ugly is in the Eye of the Beholder and it's entirely likely that the Ugliest part of her body is her Mind. And, speaking of an Ugly Mind, regard this mugshot.Which one gives you the creeps, eh?

    Oh, and Great Alt-Text!

    • TribecaMike

      LOL but for a second there I thought you meant the Eye of The Beholder Amiga dungeon crawl game, which still gives me the creeps.

      • C_R_Eature

        I'll look that up, thanks, but only after I wash Delay out of my head first.

        • TribecaMike

          The smiling mug shot is one of the lesser innovations of the 21st century.

          • C_R_Eature

            Duly filed under "Horrible images that can't be Un-Seen."

          • TribecaMike

            I'm still in near-shock over DeLay getting convicted in the first place. Thought he had a bit more power in Tejas than that.

  • rocktonsam

    I'd hit that!

    Who is with me?

    • TribecaMike

      I'm a Romney supporter, so I'm not even allowed to whack the weasel. But good luck with that and enjoy rolling around on the flaming satin sheets of hell, commie.

  • Negropolis

    Get ready for the "Leave Shellie ALONE!" chorus. I can hear them warming up as we speak…

  • menopausemafia

    It depend on what your definition of 155 is……

    I did not have sex with that money…….

  • Dildeaux

    Guilty ommission: Dildeaux contributed to the Zimmermann legal fund.

    Yep, $0.01 to be exact. Hoping the transaction processing charge cost them $0.25.

  • ibwilliamsi

    They're not breeding are they? They'd be "non-breeders" in my fish tank.

  • ttommyunger

    It is said by some that by the age of fifty a person has the face they deserve. Shellie seems to be rushing things a little.