THE WACKY TOBACKY  4:35 pm June 12, 2012

Zany Washington Post Marijuana Story Contains Dangerous Levels Of Wordplay

by Josh Fruhlinger

Your Wonkette just gets high on life and America!Oh, Washington Post writer Emily Heil, we were going to make excuses for you, assuming you were some poor underpaid intern forced to churn out blog postlets for the Post’s “In The Loop” blog, which is different from all the other blogs the Post has, somehow, there’s probably a logic to it, but then we went to your author page and saw that you have been a journalist for ten years so we feel a need to take you to task for your latest post, about reefer marijuana users. It has so many puns and pot jokes packed into five paragraphs that it makes our head hurt — more than even smoking marijuana, which is an illegal crime, by the way.

So the young nerds who toil in D.C.’s various policy shops and government agencies enjoy playing softball against one another, for fun. (There was a brief kickball fad among these same people, but Wonkette hasn’t done any posts about that in like two years, so we’re going to choose to believe that that’s over?) And sometimes people who believe diametrically opposed things compete on the softball diamond, which is good for camaraderie and/or irony. So it was when the White House team, representing people who refuse to acknowledge that legalizing pot might be an even vaguely realistic goal, faced off against the Students for Sensible Drug Policy (i.e., crazed drug fiends). This is obviously worthy of extensive journalistic coverage, but was it really worth the following list of terrible marijuana jokes? Was it worth it, Emily Heil?

  • “cloud hanging over the Mall last week”
  • “getting absolutely smoked”
  • “hello, Michael Phelps!”
  • “The One Hitters” (admittedly, this is the druggies’ team name, but still)
  • “the precious weed”

OK, that last one’s not so much a joke as “someone’s idea of what someone who’s high would say, about drugs.” But whatever, this is still journalism’s shame.

The article also notes that a team from the Office of National Drug Control Policy refused to play against the drug hippies last year. The head of this agency is colloquially known as the Drug Czar, a name derived from the title of an actual Russian dictator, and the team is called the “Czardinals,” which is unforgivable. Not “put tens of thousands of nonviolent drug offenders in jail for years” unforgivable, but pretty bad nonetheless. [WP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 93 comments }

Barb June 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

"Intercepted!"

stncmchnc June 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Bammerz rulez!

stncmchnc June 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I'm melting!
That's what I get for making Dr. Frank-N-Furter, the wicked witch of transvestites, my avatar.

LionHeartSoyDog June 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm

wtf w/avatars???

UW8316154 June 12, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Beat me to it – "intercepted" me, as it were….

BarackMyWorld June 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Peggy Olsen approves (of the marijuana, not the bad writing).

mormos June 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Americans support the full legalization of Marijuana 56% to 36%. (8% undecided). Just some numbers.

BarackMyWorld June 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Probably 75% of that 56% aren't voters, though.

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 12:34 am

Where did you get those numbers from? I think the last numbers are I saw were much closer, something like 50/46 for.

Come here a minute June 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

What was Emily Heil smoking when she thought that blog post would be a good idea?

CivicHoliday June 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

It's called research, my friend. She wrote this while high to better understand the issue.

Baconzgood June 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

FUCKIN PIGS MAN!!!!

smokefilledroommate June 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

B-Real, light another.

ChernobylSoup June 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

The following exchange actually took place in real life:

Me: "So what do you think about efforts to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana?"

Deputy DEA Director: "That just wouldn't be fair to the families of agents who've been killed during drug raids."

SoBeach June 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

That's some Dr. Strangelove quality stuff.

smokefilledroommate June 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

…and so many have been lost during Operation Dimebag.

ph7 June 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I lost 9th through 12th grade in that Operation.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Wait. There was a 12th grade?

Butch_Wagstaff June 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

"We lost a lot of fine men to those gun-totin', weed-growin' hippie hillbillies in Kentucky."

BornInATrailer June 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Please tell me you asked whether it would be fair to future agents that wouldn't be killed in drug raids?

Fairtackle June 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Oh for fuck sake

BarackMyWorld June 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Pot dealers are totally the guys with the personal armies and elaborate distribution networks.

UW8316154 June 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

In other words, totally unlike Big Pharma in this country.

sati_demise June 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Fuck that fucking fucker.

srsly

Guppy June 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Maybe he should ask how ATF handled the Twenty-First Amendment.

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 12:36 am

Makes you wonder how many users and dealers have been killed in the drug war? No. Then fuck you very much, Mr. Deputy DEA Director. Honestly, you hear answers like this and you know how warped their minds really are because of this war.

notreelyhelping June 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

That's almost exactly the same response hard chargers used to trot out when arguing about withdrawing from Vietnam War. Not ironic, I suspect, but hard wiring.

coolhandnuke June 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

… and the team is called the “Czardinals,” which is unforgivable.

"Drug Czar Us" is a less forgiving team name.

anniegetyerfun June 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Heil Hitters?

smokefilledroommate June 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

The One Hitlers

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

So, dude, did they get a lot of hits?

And I'm not talkin' 'bout at the plate, mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn

coolhandnuke June 12, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Forty-two years to the day, Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates pitched a no-hitter with a brain full of LSD.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Helluva job, Brownie

bflrtsplk June 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

That`s hash Brownie to you.

smokefilledroommate June 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Like Ricky always said you've got to toke and pass or Mookie's gonna kick your fuckin' ass

Doktor Zoom June 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

In these modern days of Twitterology, should that be hashtag brownies?

bobbert June 12, 2012 at 11:06 pm

#brownie? I like it.

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I think Ms. Heil's puns are a smokescreen so she can bogart her opinions instead of passing them around.

Pithaughn June 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Huh, only plus 5 after getting a bogart ref in there.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Huh? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

Mumbletypeg June 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I find Ms. Heil guilty of overindulging her craving for cheap wit, failure to yield to common sense, visibly under the influence of bad self-editing.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

In other words, she was probably high when she wrote it.

Pop_Socket June 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Since WaPo fired all their editors two years ago, self-editing is the only type left.

Buckminster June 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Any journalist who has only himself (or herself) as an editor is doomed to be a laughing stock. Especially if he or she writes while stoned or drunk.

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 12:37 am

So, this makes her an honorary member of Wonkette is what you're saying?

smokefilledroommate June 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Do we have any Doritos? No, wait– Smartfood. Yeah…Smartfood.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I played in weed-filled lots when I was a kid, and nobody blogged about it.

ph7 June 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Weed-filled lots can get you through times of no baseball better than baseball can get you through times of no weed-filled lots.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Both involve lots of roaches, tho

Estproph June 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Meme people suck.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

THWAK!

And it's a long drive down the left field line….and it drops into the weeds! She took a hit deep and high, I tell you whut! She's rounding first and digging hard for second, puffing hard the whole way. The left fielder picks up the ball and heaves a shotgun blast to the second baseman who applies the tag annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd….SHE'S SAFE! She's in there with a doobie! I mean, double!

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

If it were an all-female team, they could be called the "Rainy Day Women."

smokefilledroommate June 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

The whole team would wear either #12 or 35.

TribecaMike June 12, 2012 at 10:09 pm

They'll stone when you wanna pick your nose
They'll stone when you clean your panty hose
They'll stone when you demand equal pay
They'll stone you and they'll say go away

But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I remember, me and a few friends were sitting out back one night. Some how we got on to discussing a nosey neighbor who quite literally couldn't visit his east wall as it was my west "fence". So I decided it would be cool to paint a mural on his wall of him peering out at us while we smoked and joked.

Weeeeee Laaaaughedddddd!

gurukalehuru June 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Emily Heil as a kite.

edgydrifter June 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

If you can hit, catch and accurately throw a ball while "high," you need to find a better supply.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Hey, I played my best games stoned!

I think. They felt good, I can say that much.

ph7 June 12, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"I'm not sure I play better when stoned. But I know I sound better."
-Paul McCartney

Generation[redacted] June 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

"Thank you. You've been an incredibly stoned audience."
-Jeff Tweedy

BornInATrailer June 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Or consider cutting back.

Baconzgood June 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

In High School I'd always toke up before I played ice hockey, and even in between periods if I could sneak away.

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Doc Gooden would disagree.

edgydrifter June 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Doc Gooden liked to powder his nose. It probably made his game better. Now, Dock Ellis was the man, and the exception that proves the rule. Anybody who can dose up, step onto the mound in front of 80,000 melting technicolor faces and pitch a no-hitter is OK in my book.

PS: TODAY is the 42nd anniversary of that glorious game. If there is a field of dreams somewhere out there, I hope Dock is trippin' balls on it right now.

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Thanks for the correction. I don't know shit about sports but I thought I knew about drugs.

Dashboard Buddha June 13, 2012 at 12:03 am

Or just change the game…
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04252007

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Pat MaGroin?

wondering where i am June 12, 2012 at 5:00 pm

And meanwhile over at the New York Times site comments sections all those earnest upper West Siders with their books and glasses and gray hair want drugs legalized like yesterday.

gullywompr June 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I don't get any of these puns.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Cigarette?

Pop_Socket June 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Keep telling your mom that.

TribecaMike June 12, 2012 at 8:49 pm

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

– Fred Allen

Schmannnity June 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Heil, Emily!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

The Washington Post is a gate way……

LionHeartSoyDog June 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Shelter is just a shot away…

imissopus June 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I'd hit it, and I mean both Emily Heil and a bowl full of weed.

Doktor Zoom June 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Watch out for the snarcs

EatsBabyDingos June 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Look here brother, who you jivin' with all this cosmic debris.

randcoolcatdaddy June 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Students for Sensible Drug Policy?

If it was a bunch of guys that the DEA had sent to prison on drug charges playing in the game, then I'd pay to see that…

MiniMencken June 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Emily looks pretty smokin' hot in her on-line photos, but, to be blunt, that may not be a proper way to gage her. Are still still rollin' with me? Good, 'cause I think the Washington Post is one of our finest papers, after Zig Zag, Bambu and E-Z Wider. Don't toke this wrong, but I would love to have a chance to play with Emily's buds and then hemp her… Oh, yeah…

sati_demise June 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

OK, is Obama 'evolving' on this issue or is it just an election year:
http://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/06/12/497731

Opportunisticly_Joe June 12, 2012 at 7:03 pm

the team is called the “Czardinals,” which is unforgivable

That is pretty unforgivable. "Czar" doesn't even have the hard-C sound that you would need to make this a "Cardinals" pun. Instead, it's a soft C, which makes "czardinals" sound like it has something to do with sardines.

#linguistrage

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Let's be blunt.
I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black, but Nancy Reagan is a dope, and the paranoia about drugs that she started should be stamped out like a weed. It's not just a case of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side; it's observable fact that places that have legalized marijuana have a higher quality of life. I think both sides of this issue should come to a joint agreement, and then let the church bells announce that agreement by ringing out with a loud bong.

KenLayIsAlive June 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm

dude, why waterboard terrorists. just lock them in a room with this chick and Alison Petri while the two of them drink mad amounts of coffee and hash out an original RomCom script

TribecaMike June 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman report that they have just returned from the year 2030, where reefer possession and growing is totally legal, but smoking the weed remains illegal because in a national referendum voters decided the high was a lot more fun that way.

sati_demise June 12, 2012 at 11:37 pm

But you can eat cheap healthy hemp oil on your salad because it is grown in the USA. And then we didn't need Monsanto.
Ot Pharma.
Or Big Oil.

Or Paper & Cotton.

And we all lived cheaply and biodegradably ever after.

TribecaMike June 13, 2012 at 1:41 am

My grandfather was a union organizer for the United Steelworkers at Monsanto in the 30's, 40's, and 50's, and had the scars to prove it. Screw those clowns.

rocktonsam June 12, 2012 at 9:34 pm

weed and wordplay, don't try this at home you guys, ever, except with George Carlin.

Dashboard Buddha June 13, 2012 at 12:04 am

OT, but who's been killin' our avatars?

Negropolis June 13, 2012 at 12:23 am

Wait, what is this about Precious smoking weed? I swear, that girl's no good.

SudsMcKenzie June 13, 2012 at 4:26 am

dude, where's my Czar?

crybabyboehner June 13, 2012 at 11:20 am

If making light of draconian laws that ruin innocent lives is what it takes to advance someone's career in "journalism," so be it.

ttommyunger June 13, 2012 at 4:55 pm

"One Hitter". Man, that brings back memories. Great little invention, BTW.

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