RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:19 am June 12, 2012

Drunk Text The President As The World Ends

by Sulagna Misra

Ugh, seriously, Barry, quit it with the tequilaToday, technology can make our lives better — even if our world as we know it is being destroyed! Oh, well, at least there’s a new episode of Game of — oh, crap.
  • You can now donate to the presidential campaigns through text! No word on whether the presidential candidates would text back. How much do you wanna bet that Romney uses emoticons to let us know he has emotions? [Washington Post]
  • Okay, so they killed the electric car. But! What about self-driving cars? The article mentions picking up kids from school, but think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home? [Foreign Policy]
  • Greek archaeologists are freaking out because they’re worried about artifacts being lost thanks to Greek austerity measures. But at least Greece still has their most ancient and important artifact, democracy! Oh, what? They voted for Nazis and communists together? Oh, crap. [The New York Times]
  • And now here is a sobering article about the destruction of our planet. Eh, you’ve probably heard it all before…but why not read it all again? [Time]
 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 98 comments }

Mumbletypeg June 12, 2012 at 11:24 am

This "Game of Thrones" I keep hearing about. Is it anywhere as good as HBO's Rome before it got sacked?

fuflans June 12, 2012 at 11:26 am

more soft core port to disguise tedious but necessary exposition.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 11:52 am

It was pretty good until they beheaded Boromir and replaced him with the dwarf from The Station Agent

Mumbletypeg June 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I liked that dwarf in Station Agent! But I liked that James Woods' lookalike in "Rome" even better.

mormos June 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

poor Sean Bean. He is one of my favorite actors, and his characters always die. I knew that character was going to die in the first episode simply because he was played by Sean Bean.

Tommmcattt June 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

Fewer orgies and gay buttsecks I am afraid…

vulpes82 June 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm

But with even MORE incest!

Chichikovovich June 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm

HBO's Rome before it got sacked?

I knew something bad was going to happen when HBO made Alaric the Visigoth head of programming.

UnholyMoses June 12, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Not sure how I should feel about getting that reference: that I'm either way too old or way too edumacated.

TribecaMike June 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I'm hoping The Black Adder and Baldrick join the cast next season.

Barb June 12, 2012 at 11:24 am

"And now here is a sobering article about the destruction of our planet."

Oh come on! Mother Nature has been letting herself go for a while now. Why should we still love her back. Jesus, if she would at least trim her bush every now and then.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:31 am

And her armpits and legs, too! C'mon, the whole world isn't Austin.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

She does. It's called a "wildfire"

Chichikovovich June 12, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Those Brazilian wildfires can be quite painful.

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:24 am

Texting won't work for Romney. He makes squeaks, pops and beeps to communicate.

nounverb911 June 12, 2012 at 11:27 am

Please do not fold, spindle or mutilate his punch cards.

elviouslyqueer June 12, 2012 at 11:29 am

010010010010011101101101001000000100110101101001011101000111010000100000010100100110111101101101011011100110010101111001001011100000110100001010010000010110111001100100001000000100100100100000011000010111000001110000011100100110111101110110011001010010000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000110110101100101011100110111001101100001011001110110010100101110

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

EQ, is that his net worth? <g>

elviouslyqueer June 12, 2012 at 11:43 am

Intense Debate, why you be hatin' on my binary?

James Michael Curley June 12, 2012 at 11:49 am

Another 101 at the end and you would have been banned.

GorzoTheMighty June 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Love it when Willard flails his arms around and screams "Danger Will Robinson !".Obviously a software glitch.

nounverb911 June 12, 2012 at 11:24 am

My wife is bummed that the world ends on her birthday.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

Now the Republicans know who to blame.

Lascauxcaveman June 12, 2012 at 11:47 am

Obama?

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 11:53 am

He's Obama gay husband?

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:38 am

I might consider that a gift. But my afterlife activities are intended to be warping across the universe and visiting long deceased pets.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:41 am

Dang, I'd be just the opposite. She can get totally wasted and doesn't even have to worry about a hangover.

Maman June 12, 2012 at 11:25 am

Electric cars! What happened to the flying cars we were all promised!

edgydrifter June 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

Hell, we're still waiting for the "chicken in every pot" we were promised. Baby steps, Maman, baby steps.

nounverb911 June 12, 2012 at 11:35 am

Sorry, gotta save the chicken for doctor's visits.

not that Radio June 12, 2012 at 11:47 am

And something about a mule.

nounverb911 June 12, 2012 at 11:25 am

As a Mormon is Rmoney allowed to accept drunk text donations?

Not_So_Much June 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Only if they're from 4th or < wife candidates.

mormos June 12, 2012 at 4:23 pm

the church is perfectly willing to tithe gambling winnings in spite of being against gambling so I'm a say yes

ifthethunderdontgetya June 12, 2012 at 11:26 am

How much do you wanna bet that Romney uses emoticons to let us know he has emotions?

Roboticons.
~

Baconzgood June 12, 2012 at 11:26 am

Today we're all hairy nazi-commies that take it up the ass.

elviouslyqueer June 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

Well, I never

Oh, wait.

Pragmatist2 June 12, 2012 at 11:26 am

On the Greek archaeology thing: they could just ship all that stuff to the British Museum. It would be like a reunion.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:33 am

Elgin Marbles Libel!

fuflans June 12, 2012 at 11:26 am

What about self-driving cars?

where are the goddamned jetpacks, hmmm?

i was promised jetpacks.

larrykat June 12, 2012 at 11:31 am

I was always hoping for the conveyor belt that gave you a shower and got you all dressed in the morning like they have on The Jetsons.

Lascauxcaveman June 12, 2012 at 11:45 am

I linked to this the other day. The jetpacks are here, and they are kinda lame, actually.

And have predictably obnoxious background music.

Giveusabob June 12, 2012 at 11:28 am

I believe RomneyBot's limbic system actually feels emoticons, rather than emotions. It's much easier to process parentheses and miscellaneous colons rather than all that kvetchy, weepy stuff.

larrykat June 12, 2012 at 11:30 am

Who gave two-camels Clinton a smart phone?

nounverb911 June 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

One hump or two?

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:52 am

"What hump?"

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:35 am

She's surfing chatroulette in that pic. Good thing she's got the sunglasses on, her eyes are as wide as pie plates behind the specs.

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:53 am

I think that is because she saw something "familiar" on RateMyCock.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I sure hope that you made that website up.

LastGasp June 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

Self-driving cars? Romney-bot probably doesn't care about this new-fangled invention. Something tells me that if you have elevators for your cars you probably also have drivers.

Lascauxcaveman June 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

And now here is a sobering article about the destruction of our planet.

People keep using that word, but everytime I read something like that, it makes me start drinking even earlier.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:39 am

Well, with the destruction of the planet, and the kind of legislation like we saw in the last post, I think that Mad Max/Road Warrior world is a lot closer than I used to think. Not even "over the horizon" any more; more like "pulling into the driveway."

proudgrampa June 12, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Or "taxiing up to the gate."

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 11:32 am

Sluggo! Good morning! How did you sleep?

Would kids self-pleasure in the back of a self-driving car or would they need to autoasphixiate?

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:41 am

A 'friend" told me those clothes hanger knobbies can't hold the weight.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

You can always tie a plastic dry cleaner bag around your head.

Kids! Don't try this at home! I'm an expert and have had years of training and expertise!

Goonemeritus June 12, 2012 at 11:33 am

“You can now donate to the presidential campaigns through text”

Nice to know you can use this communication technology for things other than dumping sexual partners

James Michael Curley June 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

I usually tell all the 'please donate to … ' cold callers to give me a fax number and I'll fax them a check. If you stay on message they hang up on you.

Estproph June 12, 2012 at 11:33 am

I wonder how much LOL OMG U SUK will generate for the Romney campaign.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

Only Weedlord Bonerhitler knows for sure.

el_donaldo June 12, 2012 at 11:33 am

Nazis and communists together? What an opportunity! Let's put on a show! I'll call Liza. Is Joel Grey still alive?

Lascauxcaveman June 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

Give Liza the Joel Grey part; save the leotard role for Megan Fox or somebody.

Oh, Katie Perry, 'cause she can sing, I'm told.

FakaktaSouth June 12, 2012 at 11:34 am

Drunk sexting with Mitt Romney sounds more frustrating than that Bukkake shit y'all love so much here. gggggaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggg.

Schmannnity June 12, 2012 at 11:34 am

Why does the phrase Greek Nazis sound as odd as Russian Libertarians?

Douché June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

If Mitt-Bot is elected, I know what the future will hold. It was foretold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1BdQcJ2ZYY

SexySmurf June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

Can I donate to the presidential campaigns through sexts? What I'm trying to ask is how much trouble would I be in if I sent Romney a picture of my junk?

Lascauxcaveman June 12, 2012 at 11:53 am

Eh, consenting adults. Why not?

redarmybarbie June 12, 2012 at 11:59 am

"How much trouble would I be in…"
All of it, Katie.

Blueb4sunrise June 12, 2012 at 11:39 am

Stand Your Ground, Mother Earth!!!

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:39 am

I wonder, if we all sent Romney a penny would he get the idea?

freakishlywrong June 12, 2012 at 11:45 am

Panderbot has never seen this thing you call a "penny".

Jus_Wonderin June 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

However, I am certain his knows the phrase "heads or tails".

weejee June 12, 2012 at 12:06 pm

But only using Olympic commemorative coins or one of these.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Silly boy! Paper money can't be flipped!

widestanceromance June 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Can we all pitch in for that penny or is it per commenter? We're not made of money you know!

Mittens Howell, III June 12, 2012 at 11:40 am

Texting

Me: Here is a $200 contribution to your campaign. God Bless Amercia and thanks for all the elevators.

Mitt Romney 3000: Thank you, as always, praise is welcome.

Me: Hey sorry, cancel that. I think my self-driving car just sent you a text and some money.

Mitt Romney 3000: Seamus loved traveling on top of the car. He loved it!.

Me: No seriously. I want my money back–stop acting like a Greek-Nazi, you fiscally irresponsible fascist!

Mitt Romney 3000: I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.

Me: You'll be first against the wall when the end of the world comes.

Mitt Romney 30000: Corporations are people too, my friend.

Lascauxcaveman June 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

Would Rmoney pass the Turing Test?

prommie June 12, 2012 at 11:40 am

Hey, look, its Madeleine Albright!

Tommmcattt June 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I've been thinking that too; it must be a rough job.

mavenmaven June 12, 2012 at 11:41 am

Greek Communist Nazis texting Romney donations from Electric Cars as the world ends?

CapeClod June 12, 2012 at 11:42 am

So, now the gubermint is trying to take away our God Given right to self-drive a quarter mile to the convenience store for hobo beans, mayonnaise, and a six of Narragansett? Fascism!

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2012 at 11:49 am

Scientists from around the world looked at past research on ecological change, and found that the planet may be approaching a "critical transition," otherwise known as a "tipping point," as a result of human activity like agriculture and urbanization.

And what's a tipping point exactly? The writer doesn't seem to know enough to come up with a solid definition, but I'd guess it's when you start using a lazy catchphrase to describe something potentially catastrophic. Of course the world isn't just gonna tip up and slide bow-first into the depths of the ocean like the Titanic did — it's just going to enter a phase involving thousands of years of misery, war, poverty and despair. Like most of the world has always experienced, but worse. But we can cut taxes and regulations now and it'll miraculously save itself.

Chichikovovich June 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm

It gets used and misused in a bunch of different ways, but it is supposed to correspond to a situation where a small change leads to a disproportionately large effect, with the tacit contrast to a situation where small changes always make incremental changes in the outcome. Say for example you find that adding more policemen reduces crime some seemingly predictable amount. So you might expect that adding a few more policemen would reduce crime a bit more, in the predictable way. But if it is a "tipping point" then a small increase in police might lead to a huge decrease in crime.

But there's a lot of fluidity and sloppiness in the use of the phrase. Sometimes it is run together with the idea of unstable equilibrium, so that when a "tipping point" is passed there is some additional force unleashed which makes it difficult to return to where you were. So for example, I've heard (no idea if it is true) that once a certain ocean temperature is reached, the oceans will release CO2 at a rate which would accelerate the warming process. In the quote you give "tipping point" seems to be used with this extra kicker in its meaning.

vulpes82 June 12, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Yeah, the planet and Life in the general sense will be just fine. It's WE who will be fucked.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 11:50 am

Can I text a phone-pic of my balls to Mitt? I'm not really up on this new-fangled technology so much.

Jimmyone June 12, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I want to send Mittens a photo of my dog's junk.

Guppy June 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

You can now donate to the presidential campaigns through text!

Because text is speech and speech is money and freedom is slavery.

Blueb4sunrise June 12, 2012 at 11:52 am

It's worse than we thought. Both Obama and Romney are being PLAUGED.

President Obama, Mitt Romney campaigns plauged by surprise attacks from supposed allies
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/election-2012/pre

Buckminster June 12, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Dang, they fixed it.

proudgrampa June 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

A Plauge on both their houses!

SorosBot June 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

"think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home?"

I don;t have to think about that; we just take public transportation.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

You have money left over after a night drinking?

Chichikovovich June 12, 2012 at 11:56 am

think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home?

Well, there goes my social life….

prommie June 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Its comforting, kinda, once you have nothing left to lose at all, no possessions, no friends. Thats why I envy this one hobo under the bridge I see on the way to work. I bet he's got nothing to worry about.

randcoolcatdaddy June 12, 2012 at 12:03 pm

"…think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home?"

I'm sure some rich guys in the Middle East are willing to pay for that with all that thick, rich oil money. And that's the market they're looking at for this silly idea.

Climate change denial! You're soaking in it!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 12, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Mitt Romney will use emoticons to let us know he has emoticons.

owhatever June 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Bill now kno why you liked Monica so much she's relly good! Hilz

ttommyunger June 13, 2012 at 5:30 pm

OT: I got a call from a hotel dick in Oklahoma City last night. Seems a drag queen named Diamond Larkin (and his/her friend, Rashida) used my phone number and "information" when checking in and then skipped on a $6,000 tab. I actually know a drag queen named Diamond Lil here in Atlanta. We met her at a party a couple of years ago, never saw or spoke to her again. Nice person. My only question is, WTF? I passed this on to the gumshoe, waiting for a call from the cops… so far, crickets. BTW, Hils is not looking good, not that she ever did, bless her heart.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: