Drunk Text The President As The World Ends

  rumors on the internets
Ugh, seriously, Barry, quit it with the tequilaToday, technology can make our lives better — even if our world as we know it is being destroyed! Oh, well, at least there’s a new episode of Game of — oh, crap.
  • You can now donate to the presidential campaigns through text! No word on whether the presidential candidates would text back. How much do you wanna bet that Romney uses emoticons to let us know he has emotions? [Washington Post]
  • Okay, so they killed the electric car. But! What about self-driving cars? The article mentions picking up kids from school, but think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home? [Foreign Policy]
  • Greek archaeologists are freaking out because they’re worried about artifacts being lost thanks to Greek austerity measures. But at least Greece still has their most ancient and important artifact, democracy! Oh, what? They voted for Nazis and communists together? Oh, crap. [The New York Times]
  • And now here is a sobering article about the destruction of our planet. Eh, you’ve probably heard it all before…but why not read it all again? [Time]
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Hola wonkerados.

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98 comments

      1. mormos

        poor Sean Bean. He is one of my favorite actors, and his characters always die. I knew that character was going to die in the first episode simply because he was played by Sean Bean.

    1. Chichikovovich

      HBO's Rome before it got sacked?

      I knew something bad was going to happen when HBO made Alaric the Visigoth head of programming.

      1. UnholyMoses

        Not sure how I should feel about getting that reference: that I'm either way too old or way too edumacated.

  1. Barb

    "And now here is a sobering article about the destruction of our planet."

    Oh come on! Mother Nature has been letting herself go for a while now. Why should we still love her back. Jesus, if she would at least trim her bush every now and then.

    1. elviouslyqueer

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    2. GorzoTheMighty

      Love it when Willard flails his arms around and screams "Danger Will Robinson !".Obviously a software glitch.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I might consider that a gift. But my afterlife activities are intended to be warping across the universe and visiting long deceased pets.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Dang, I'd be just the opposite. She can get totally wasted and doesn't even have to worry about a hangover.

    1. edgydrifter

      Hell, we're still waiting for the "chicken in every pot" we were promised. Baby steps, Maman, baby steps.

    1. mormos

      the church is perfectly willing to tithe gambling winnings in spite of being against gambling so I'm a say yes

  2. Pragmatist2

    On the Greek archaeology thing: they could just ship all that stuff to the British Museum. It would be like a reunion.

    1. larrykat

      I was always hoping for the conveyor belt that gave you a shower and got you all dressed in the morning like they have on The Jetsons.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I linked to this the other day. The jetpacks are here, and they are kinda lame, actually.

      And have predictably obnoxious background music.

  3. Giveusabob

    I believe RomneyBot's limbic system actually feels emoticons, rather than emotions. It's much easier to process parentheses and miscellaneous colons rather than all that kvetchy, weepy stuff.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      She's surfing chatroulette in that pic. Good thing she's got the sunglasses on, her eyes are as wide as pie plates behind the specs.

  4. LastGasp

    Self-driving cars? Romney-bot probably doesn't care about this new-fangled invention. Something tells me that if you have elevators for your cars you probably also have drivers.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    And now here is a sobering article about the destruction of our planet.

    People keep using that word, but everytime I read something like that, it makes me start drinking even earlier.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, with the destruction of the planet, and the kind of legislation like we saw in the last post, I think that Mad Max/Road Warrior world is a lot closer than I used to think. Not even "over the horizon" any more; more like "pulling into the driveway."

  6. actor212

    Sluggo! Good morning! How did you sleep?

    Would kids self-pleasure in the back of a self-driving car or would they need to autoasphixiate?

      1. actor212

        You can always tie a plastic dry cleaner bag around your head.

        Kids! Don't try this at home! I'm an expert and have had years of training and expertise!

  7. Goonemeritus

    “You can now donate to the presidential campaigns through text”

    Nice to know you can use this communication technology for things other than dumping sexual partners

    1. James Michael Curley

      I usually tell all the 'please donate to … ' cold callers to give me a fax number and I'll fax them a check. If you stay on message they hang up on you.

  8. el_donaldo

    Nazis and communists together? What an opportunity! Let's put on a show! I'll call Liza. Is Joel Grey still alive?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Give Liza the Joel Grey part; save the leotard role for Megan Fox or somebody.

      Oh, Katie Perry, 'cause she can sing, I'm told.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Drunk sexting with Mitt Romney sounds more frustrating than that Bukkake shit y'all love so much here. gggggaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggg.

  10. SexySmurf

    Can I donate to the presidential campaigns through sexts? What I'm trying to ask is how much trouble would I be in if I sent Romney a picture of my junk?

    1. widestanceromance

      Can we all pitch in for that penny or is it per commenter? We're not made of money you know!

  11. Mittens Howell, III

    Texting

    Me: Here is a $200 contribution to your campaign. God Bless Amercia and thanks for all the elevators.

    Mitt Romney 3000: Thank you, as always, praise is welcome.

    Me: Hey sorry, cancel that. I think my self-driving car just sent you a text and some money.

    Mitt Romney 3000: Seamus loved traveling on top of the car. He loved it!.

    Me: No seriously. I want my money back–stop acting like a Greek-Nazi, you fiscally irresponsible fascist!

    Mitt Romney 3000: I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.

    Me: You'll be first against the wall when the end of the world comes.

    Mitt Romney 30000: Corporations are people too, my friend.

  12. CapeClod

    So, now the gubermint is trying to take away our God Given right to self-drive a quarter mile to the convenience store for hobo beans, mayonnaise, and a six of Narragansett? Fascism!

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Scientists from around the world looked at past research on ecological change, and found that the planet may be approaching a "critical transition," otherwise known as a "tipping point," as a result of human activity like agriculture and urbanization.

    And what's a tipping point exactly? The writer doesn't seem to know enough to come up with a solid definition, but I'd guess it's when you start using a lazy catchphrase to describe something potentially catastrophic. Of course the world isn't just gonna tip up and slide bow-first into the depths of the ocean like the Titanic did — it's just going to enter a phase involving thousands of years of misery, war, poverty and despair. Like most of the world has always experienced, but worse. But we can cut taxes and regulations now and it'll miraculously save itself.

    1. Chichikovovich

      It gets used and misused in a bunch of different ways, but it is supposed to correspond to a situation where a small change leads to a disproportionately large effect, with the tacit contrast to a situation where small changes always make incremental changes in the outcome. Say for example you find that adding more policemen reduces crime some seemingly predictable amount. So you might expect that adding a few more policemen would reduce crime a bit more, in the predictable way. But if it is a "tipping point" then a small increase in police might lead to a huge decrease in crime.

      But there's a lot of fluidity and sloppiness in the use of the phrase. Sometimes it is run together with the idea of unstable equilibrium, so that when a "tipping point" is passed there is some additional force unleashed which makes it difficult to return to where you were. So for example, I've heard (no idea if it is true) that once a certain ocean temperature is reached, the oceans will release CO2 at a rate which would accelerate the warming process. In the quote you give "tipping point" seems to be used with this extra kicker in its meaning.

    2. vulpes82

      Yeah, the planet and Life in the general sense will be just fine. It's WE who will be fucked.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Can I text a phone-pic of my balls to Mitt? I'm not really up on this new-fangled technology so much.

  15. Guppy

    You can now donate to the presidential campaigns through text!

    Because text is speech and speech is money and freedom is slavery.

  16. SorosBot

    "think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home?"

    I don;t have to think about that; we just take public transportation.

  17. Chichikovovich

    think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home?

    Well, there goes my social life….

    1. prommie

      Its comforting, kinda, once you have nothing left to lose at all, no possessions, no friends. Thats why I envy this one hobo under the bridge I see on the way to work. I bet he's got nothing to worry about.

  18. randcoolcatdaddy

    "…think about how awesome it would be to go out drinking with your friends without having to bring that one boring friend to drive you home?"

    I'm sure some rich guys in the Middle East are willing to pay for that with all that thick, rich oil money. And that's the market they're looking at for this silly idea.

    Climate change denial! You're soaking in it!

  19. ttommyunger

    OT: I got a call from a hotel dick in Oklahoma City last night. Seems a drag queen named Diamond Larkin (and his/her friend, Rashida) used my phone number and "information" when checking in and then skipped on a $6,000 tab. I actually know a drag queen named Diamond Lil here in Atlanta. We met her at a party a couple of years ago, never saw or spoke to her again. Nice person. My only question is, WTF? I passed this on to the gumshoe, waiting for a call from the cops… so far, crickets. BTW, Hils is not looking good, not that she ever did, bless her heart.

Comments are closed.