THE FINAL FRONTIER  9:17 am June 12, 2012

China Bravely Sending Woman Into Space Only 49 Years After Other Countries Did It

by Rich Abdill

moo shu in spaceChinese state media reported this week that the search for the country’s first female astronaut will culminate this month in her joining a team being sent to a Chinese space lab. It is not clear whether they will bother trying to get the woman back to Earth afterward.

The move is a great leap forward for the country, as it has been, until pretty much just now, abortioning its females instead of shooting them up into space or letting them exist. Something about a “one child” policy to rein in the country’s current population of 11 trillion.

Don’t worry though — authorities have thought of that. From the Guardian:

Chinese authorities have decreed that only mothers can train as astronauts, apparently because of their concern that spaceflight might affect women’s fertility.

Oh… well that’s kind of the opposite. That’s good, though! We wouldn’t want to risk an astronaut not having a baby girl to throw away. (Side note: Doesn’t look like there are any notable fertility risks associated with spaceflight. I know this because I am in America, and I can just fucking Google it.)

Neighboring Russia responded by pointing out they sent their first woman into space in 1963; neighboring North Korea responded by saying all of their women live in space all the time and don’t even need helmets or anything and they got there riding eggplants.

The Chinese astronauts, in addition to the motherhood thing, are also required to be free of scars, cavities, and strong regional accents.

The Chinese mission was described by an official as “our country’s first manned space docking mission with the orbiting Tiangong-1 space lab module,” which raises serious questions about what a module needs to be able to do to qualify as a “space lab.” Its name translates to “Heavenly Palace,” but it sleeps two and isn’t capable of doing any… lab stuff. It’s used to practice docking spaceships. It’s a garage. A space garage.

China’s sending a woman to a space garage. Let’s all clap for China. [Guardian]

 
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{ 90 comments }

James Michael Curley June 12, 2012 at 9:19 am

Pigs In Space!!!!!!!

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

Astronauts Rush Limbaugh and Chris Christie were tragically lost today when their computer, Hal 9000, short-circuited after Christie spilled a Diet Coke on a panel.

anniegetyerfun June 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Ha, DIET Coke? You sure?

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 10:09 am

Youve never noticed this?

OK, anecdote time, true story, swear to every detail.

I'm sitting in the local publick house, eating lunch (salad, a beer and the game on the TeeVee). In walks these two guys, both rather…portly.

They sit at the next table and the barmaid comes over to take their order. The porkier of the two…let's call him Ham…orders the following:

"I'll have the bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon, the onion rings, and could I get some avocado on top of that? Oh, also, I'd like a side order of fries (ed note fries already came with the burger) with American cheese. And a gravy boat.

And a diet Coke"

not that Radio June 12, 2012 at 10:17 am

It's a hard job. Those lipids aren't gonna deposit themselves!

James Michael Curley June 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

I'm thinking more along the final coup de grace of Gert Fröbe in Goldfinger. SluuusheePa!

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

By the time they got sucked through the hole, they'd have landed.

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And then he accidentally opened a bag of chips in zero gravity and broke the ant farm trying to retrieve them.

Oh, wait. that was the *other* cartoon fat guy.

Barb June 12, 2012 at 10:07 am

In space, no one can hear you squeal.

freakishlywrong June 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

Debbie Spenditnow approves.

freakishlywrong June 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

A Chinese woman's place is in the space garage.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

YERROW GULL RIBER!

Major Thom June 12, 2012 at 9:24 am

China will be unveiling its new steam-powered space vehicle, the "Mao Mao II" They are also in the process of buying the moon from Mitt Romney.

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 9:35 am

Gonna hafta get Newt to sell out, too.

Guppy June 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

Papa Ooh Mao Mao?

Major Thom June 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

Bird's the word.

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Wait till Otis sees us! He LOVES us!

chascates June 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

Someone has to cook and clean.

Come here a minute June 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

But the guys will probably get stuck cleaning the space garage.

Estproph June 12, 2012 at 9:26 am

"Its name translates to “Heavenly Palace,” …"

So the Chinese are sending a takeout joint into space? Lo mein for the International Space Station?

Doktor Zoom June 12, 2012 at 9:27 am

I was disappointed to hear that the new taikonoaut anthem was "Go Forward, Glorious Mothers of the Revolution, and Make Me a Zero-G Sandwich"

Goonemeritus June 12, 2012 at 9:27 am

“China’s sending a woman to a space garage. Let’s all clap for China.”

I’m fine with female astronauts but only a godless communist regime would violate the sanctity of a garage by giving access to the ladies.

Come here a minute June 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

And she'll probably snap off the rearview mirror backing out.

justkillmenow June 12, 2012 at 9:28 am

They must keep the washing machine in the garage.

DerrickWildcat June 12, 2012 at 9:28 am

HAVE THEY NOT SEEN PROMETHEUS?!
There are things that we just shouldn't know!

James Michael Curley June 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

What a concept. The next Muppet movie as directed by Ridley Scott.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

Is she going alone? I wouldn't recommend the fire drill.

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

After this, perhaps she can come over and help me make some space in my garage.

Baconzgood June 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

I find Asian egg plant Tiangong module space sex easy to masterbate to.

(you don't know how long I've been waiting to use that snark)

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

If only our country had standards like "No strong regional accents" for citizenship.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

e.g. no non-English accents when you're speaking English.

You mush-mouthed fucks. Say "mirror". Go on. Say it again.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

I think the best password that the American military came up with during the war in the Pacific with the Japanese was "Screw you, Errol Flynn."

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 10:05 am

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of rednecks. There was a comedian…can't recall his name….who did a whole bunch of stuff on redneck vocabularly, like "far" for the stuff that heats the barbecue grill and "ranch" for the thing you use to turn lugnuts.

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 10:09 am

Say "Heaphrow."

not that Radio June 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

Rhymes with "Führer". What do I win?

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Shaaaduuuppp, ya mook!!

Steverino247 June 12, 2012 at 9:35 am

Mr. President, we cannot allow an eggplant gap!

Ruhe June 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Certainly President Romney won't permit that. He'll adopt an "Alice Kramden" policy under which all "snobby" women will be "sent straight to the moon!" aboard eggplant shaped space buses.

Steverino247 June 12, 2012 at 11:25 am

http://veryvintagevegas.com/2009/07/22/to-the-moo

For your Alice Kramden chuckle.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

Its name translates to “Heavenly Palace,” but it sleeps two and isn’t capable of doing any… lab stuff. It’s used to practice docking spaceships. It’s a garage. A space garage.

Junior, really? Really? You haved this treasure trove to work with and that's the best joke you could come up with?

Lemme think…sleeps two…."Heavenly Palace"…used to practice docking.

OMG! It's an executive motel!

redarmybarbie June 12, 2012 at 11:12 am

Are we sure this isn't just the location of the next Republican convention?

Doktor Zoom June 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

You know what I miss? Comic books in which characters talked about "Chi-Coms" without the least hint of irony.

Guppy June 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

That was back before it was possible to actually sell comic books to China.

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Visit Wyoming.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 10:00 am

Where are the Sgt Nick Furys of yesteryear?

Schmannnity June 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

How soon until Newt starts cheating on Callista in space with his new Chinese paramour?

YasserArraFeck June 12, 2012 at 10:10 am

Is that Newt in a space suit, or the Michelin Man?

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

Bet she can pronounce "Tiffany's."

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Good luck findnig a rocket to lift his big ass off the ground.

el_donaldo June 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

Are they going to expose her womb to cosmic rays? Because if you're only going to have one child, you'd hope it would be the Human Torch.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

FRAME ON!

FlownOver June 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

More coffee + monitor. Damn you, Actor!

Ruhe June 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

A secluded garage space where you "practice docking"? I think in 90's era Wall Street that was known as a Boom Boom Room.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:42 am

If this van's a rocking….

Boojum June 12, 2012 at 11:49 am

My rocket's docking.

Doktor Zoom June 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

Zero-G is a challenge for lovers
Especially pushers and shovers
The problems of docking
and then interlocking
Are greatly increased when one hovers.

(from OMNI Magazine's SF limerick contest, ca. 1979)

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 10:27 am

and then interlocking
Are greatly increased when one hovers.

Weighing but an ounce
off the wall one can bounce
and slide easily beneath the covers.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

Reproductive health
The known postflight effects of short duration (mean 9 day spaceflights) in LEO on all US astronauts, male and female, are as follows:

•Have had normal conception in both genders within 1 week after space flight,

Wait….Cosmic rays turn dudes into chicks????

el_donaldo June 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

Cosmic Intersexing!

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

They crossed the streams!

Ruhe June 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

I think our national mythology, despite the xtian virus, is largely based on comic book scenarios so rather than fearing a loss of fertility due to cosmic rays we've been hoping for an astronaut-bred generation of super-humans. No such luck yet…as far as we know.

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 10:01 am

HURK SMASH!

Guppy June 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

The move is a great leap forward

I see what you did there!

PubOption June 12, 2012 at 11:05 am

Will it lead to a cultural revolution?

MrFizzy June 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Maybe they'll see Newton Reloy Glinglich up there.

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 10:28 am

…or is the moon out early?

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 9:46 am

They were going to send a dog into orbit, like the Russkies did with Laika, but they ate the poor thing.

OneDollarJuana June 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

China's one child policy resulted in many, many girl fetuses being aborted to satisfy the Chinese preference for male heirs. This approach is much more humane.

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 9:50 am

Open the pod bay doors, HAR.

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I'm afraid I can't…
YOU GO NOW!!!

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

So, the female astronauts are to be "free from cavities." What, is it all smooth down there, like a Barbie doll?

YasserArraFeck June 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Cuts down on interplanetary smuggling

thatsitfortheother1 June 12, 2012 at 10:29 am

You checked, didn't you?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

In space, no one can hear you make a sammich.

MMathS June 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

Having seen Asian ladies operate their Honda Odysseys on the Interstate, this might not be a bright idea, amirite?

BaldarTFlagass June 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

Lide Sarry Lide!!!

An_Outhouse June 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

What's Mandarin for Tang?

actor212 June 12, 2012 at 10:00 am

Hey! You asked…

James Michael Curley June 12, 2012 at 10:12 am

Boehner.

tessiee June 12, 2012 at 1:09 pm

No, I think the boner is the opposite of the 'tang, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

mavenmaven June 12, 2012 at 10:27 am

Tang actually means soup in Mandarin, so its not that far off. Though I guess in this case, it would be poon soup.

PubOption June 12, 2012 at 11:06 am

What about the Kuomintang?

mavenmaven June 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm

party is actually pronounced dang, third tone. Soup is tang, first tone. Ni mingbai?

OneYieldRegular June 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

Let me guess: half the sky is falling and in need of repair.

But seriously, why is this post-worthy? If Saudi Arabia sent a woman into a pick-up truck to drive around the block, or if Tennessee allowed an unmarried woman to get pregnant without their introducing legislation to stop it, or if Ann Romney was seen shopping at Dress Barn, well then you'd have some news.

mavenmaven June 12, 2012 at 10:25 am

Seems like an expensive way to get rid of their political opposition.

Biff June 12, 2012 at 10:43 am

STOP IT, YOU'RE ALL KILLING ME HERE!!!11!

a_pink_poodle June 12, 2012 at 11:42 am

Well to play devils advocate, China's space program is really really new

TribecaMike June 12, 2012 at 11:39 pm

It's not easy being green.

ttommyunger June 13, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Whose clazy clackpot idea is this?

redarmybarbie June 12, 2012 at 11:10 am

"No, Brian, DON'T!!!"

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