moo shu in spaceChinese state media reported this week that the search for the country’s first female astronaut will culminate this month in her joining a team being sent to a Chinese space lab. It is not clear whether they will bother trying to get the woman back to Earth afterward.

The move is a great leap forward for the country, as it has been, until pretty much just now, abortioning its females instead of shooting them up into space or letting them exist. Something about a “one child” policy to rein in the country’s current population of 11 trillion.

Don’t worry though — authorities have thought of that. From the Guardian:

Chinese authorities have decreed that only mothers can train as astronauts, apparently because of their concern that spaceflight might affect women’s fertility.

Oh… well that’s kind of the opposite. That’s good, though! We wouldn’t want to risk an astronaut not having a baby girl to throw away. (Side note: Doesn’t look like there are any notable fertility risks associated with spaceflight. I know this because I am in America, and I can just fucking Google it.)

Neighboring Russia responded by pointing out they sent their first woman into space in 1963; neighboring North Korea responded by saying all of their women live in space all the time and don’t even need helmets or anything and they got there riding eggplants.

The Chinese astronauts, in addition to the motherhood thing, are also required to be free of scars, cavities, and strong regional accents.

The Chinese mission was described by an official as “our country’s first manned space docking mission with the orbiting Tiangong-1 space lab module,” which raises serious questions about what a module needs to be able to do to qualify as a “space lab.” Its name translates to “Heavenly Palace,” but it sleeps two and isn’t capable of doing any… lab stuff. It’s used to practice docking spaceships. It’s a garage. A space garage.

China’s sending a woman to a space garage. Let’s all clap for China. [Guardian]

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  • James Michael Curley

    Pigs In Space!!!!!!!

    • Astronauts Rush Limbaugh and Chris Christie were tragically lost today when their computer, Hal 9000, short-circuited after Christie spilled a Diet Coke on a panel.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Ha, DIET Coke? You sure?

        • Youve never noticed this?

          OK, anecdote time, true story, swear to every detail.

          I'm sitting in the local publick house, eating lunch (salad, a beer and the game on the TeeVee). In walks these two guys, both rather…portly.

          They sit at the next table and the barmaid comes over to take their order. The porkier of the two…let's call him Ham…orders the following:

          "I'll have the bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon, the onion rings, and could I get some avocado on top of that? Oh, also, I'd like a side order of fries (ed note fries already came with the burger) with American cheese. And a gravy boat.

          And a diet Coke"

          • not that Radio

            It's a hard job. Those lipids aren't gonna deposit themselves!

      • James Michael Curley

        I'm thinking more along the final coup de grace of Gert Fröbe in Goldfinger. SluuusheePa!

        • By the time they got sucked through the hole, they'd have landed.

      • tessiee

        And then he accidentally opened a bag of chips in zero gravity and broke the ant farm trying to retrieve them.

        Oh, wait. that was the *other* cartoon fat guy.

    • Barb

      In space, no one can hear you squeal.

  • freakishlywrong

    Debbie Spenditnow approves.

  • freakishlywrong

    A Chinese woman's place is in the space garage.

  • Major Thom

    China will be unveiling its new steam-powered space vehicle, the "Mao Mao II" They are also in the process of buying the moon from Mitt Romney.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Gonna hafta get Newt to sell out, too.

    • Guppy

      Papa Ooh Mao Mao?

      • Major Thom

        Bird's the word.

      • tessiee

        Wait till Otis sees us! He LOVES us!

  • chascates

    Someone has to cook and clean.

    • Come here a minute

      But the guys will probably get stuck cleaning the space garage.

  • Estproph

    "Its name translates to “Heavenly Palace,” …"

    So the Chinese are sending a takeout joint into space? Lo mein for the International Space Station?

  • Doktor Zoom

    I was disappointed to hear that the new taikonoaut anthem was "Go Forward, Glorious Mothers of the Revolution, and Make Me a Zero-G Sandwich"

  • Goonemeritus

    “China’s sending a woman to a space garage. Let’s all clap for China.”

    I’m fine with female astronauts but only a godless communist regime would violate the sanctity of a garage by giving access to the ladies.

    • Come here a minute

      And she'll probably snap off the rearview mirror backing out.

  • justkillmenow

    They must keep the washing machine in the garage.

    There are things that we just shouldn't know!

    • James Michael Curley

      What a concept. The next Muppet movie as directed by Ridley Scott.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Is she going alone? I wouldn't recommend the fire drill.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    After this, perhaps she can come over and help me make some space in my garage.

  • Baconzgood

    I find Asian egg plant Tiangong module space sex easy to masterbate to.

    (you don't know how long I've been waiting to use that snark)

  • If only our country had standards like "No strong regional accents" for citizenship.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      e.g. no non-English accents when you're speaking English.

      You mush-mouthed fucks. Say "mirror". Go on. Say it again.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I think the best password that the American military came up with during the war in the Pacific with the Japanese was "Screw you, Errol Flynn."

      • Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of rednecks. There was a comedian…can't recall his name….who did a whole bunch of stuff on redneck vocabularly, like "far" for the stuff that heats the barbecue grill and "ranch" for the thing you use to turn lugnuts.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Say "Heaphrow."

      • not that Radio

        Rhymes with "Führer". What do I win?

    • tessiee

      Shaaaduuuppp, ya mook!!

  • Steverino247

    Mr. President, we cannot allow an eggplant gap!

    • Ruhe

      Certainly President Romney won't permit that. He'll adopt an "Alice Kramden" policy under which all "snobby" women will be "sent straight to the moon!" aboard eggplant shaped space buses.

  • Its name translates to “Heavenly Palace,” but it sleeps two and isn’t capable of doing any… lab stuff. It’s used to practice docking spaceships. It’s a garage. A space garage.

    Junior, really? Really? You haved this treasure trove to work with and that's the best joke you could come up with?

    Lemme think…sleeps two…."Heavenly Palace"…used to practice docking.

    OMG! It's an executive motel!

    • redarmybarbie

      Are we sure this isn't just the location of the next Republican convention?

  • Doktor Zoom

    You know what I miss? Comic books in which characters talked about "Chi-Coms" without the least hint of irony.

    • Guppy

      That was back before it was possible to actually sell comic books to China.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Visit Wyoming.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Where are the Sgt Nick Furys of yesteryear?

  • Schmannnity

    How soon until Newt starts cheating on Callista in space with his new Chinese paramour?

    • YasserArraFeck

      Is that Newt in a space suit, or the Michelin Man?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Bet she can pronounce "Tiffany's."

    • tessiee

      Good luck findnig a rocket to lift his big ass off the ground.

  • el_donaldo

    Are they going to expose her womb to cosmic rays? Because if you're only going to have one child, you'd hope it would be the Human Torch.

  • Ruhe

    A secluded garage space where you "practice docking"? I think in 90's era Wall Street that was known as a Boom Boom Room.

    • If this van's a rocking….

      • Boojum

        My rocket's docking.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Zero-G is a challenge for lovers
      Especially pushers and shovers
      The problems of docking
      and then interlocking
      Are greatly increased when one hovers.

      (from OMNI Magazine's SF limerick contest, ca. 1979)

      • thatsitfortheother1

        and then interlocking
        Are greatly increased when one hovers.

        Weighing but an ounce
        off the wall one can bounce
        and slide easily beneath the covers.

  • Reproductive health
    The known postflight effects of short duration (mean 9 day spaceflights) in LEO on all US astronauts, male and female, are as follows:

    •Have had normal conception in both genders within 1 week after space flight,

    Wait….Cosmic rays turn dudes into chicks????

    • el_donaldo

      Cosmic Intersexing!

    • Ruhe

      I think our national mythology, despite the xtian virus, is largely based on comic book scenarios so rather than fearing a loss of fertility due to cosmic rays we've been hoping for an astronaut-bred generation of super-humans. No such luck yet…as far as we know.

  • Guppy

    The move is a great leap forward

    I see what you did there!

    • PubOption

      Will it lead to a cultural revolution?

  • MrFizzy

    Maybe they'll see Newton Reloy Glinglich up there.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      …or is the moon out early?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They were going to send a dog into orbit, like the Russkies did with Laika, but they ate the poor thing.

  • OneDollarJuana

    China's one child policy resulted in many, many girl fetuses being aborted to satisfy the Chinese preference for male heirs. This approach is much more humane.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Open the pod bay doors, HAR.

    • tessiee

      I'm afraid I can't…
      YOU GO NOW!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, the female astronauts are to be "free from cavities." What, is it all smooth down there, like a Barbie doll?

    • YasserArraFeck

      Cuts down on interplanetary smuggling

    • thatsitfortheother1

      You checked, didn't you?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    In space, no one can hear you make a sammich.

  • MMathS

    Having seen Asian ladies operate their Honda Odysseys on the Interstate, this might not be a bright idea, amirite?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Lide Sarry Lide!!!

  • An_Outhouse

    What's Mandarin for Tang?

    • Hey! You asked…

    • James Michael Curley


      • tessiee

        No, I think the boner is the opposite of the 'tang, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

    • mavenmaven

      Tang actually means soup in Mandarin, so its not that far off. Though I guess in this case, it would be poon soup.

      • PubOption

        What about the Kuomintang?

        • mavenmaven

          party is actually pronounced dang, third tone. Soup is tang, first tone. Ni mingbai?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Let me guess: half the sky is falling and in need of repair.

    But seriously, why is this post-worthy? If Saudi Arabia sent a woman into a pick-up truck to drive around the block, or if Tennessee allowed an unmarried woman to get pregnant without their introducing legislation to stop it, or if Ann Romney was seen shopping at Dress Barn, well then you'd have some news.

  • mavenmaven

    Seems like an expensive way to get rid of their political opposition.

  • Biff


  • a_pink_poodle

    Well to play devils advocate, China's space program is really really new

  • TribecaMike

    It's not easy being green.

  • ttommyunger

    Whose clazy clackpot idea is this?

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