WIN THE FUTURE  2:31 pm June 11, 2012

Politico: Barack Obama Can’t Jump

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

fake as the moon landingJournalism Today: Your Wonket steals from Politico’s aggregating of the Washington Post’s new excerpt of that David Maraniss book, and what buzzworthy and important topic has us all opining and stealing? Oh, just this WORLD-SHAKING INFORMATION we are about to lay down on you, about how Barack Obama is not that good at basketball!

Not just today, when he is 50 or 51 years old or something, but when he was a teen! He was not even that good at basketball then! And HE CAN’T DUNK.

Your Editrix will be on her fainting couch with her salts and a good slug of late-morning gin to recover from the terrible shock brought on by President Afri-cant‘s upcoming impeachment, for not being that good at basketball. [Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 104 comments }

cheetojeebus June 11, 2012 at 2:34 pm

' The Fuck you say?

Hedley_Lamarr June 11, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Well, he is half white.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

So is Blake Griffin, so that's not it. Clearly, Obama has no hops because he is morally weak.

bobbert June 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Well, or Blake Griffin is eleven feet tall.

Chill_Bill June 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Barry only does 3/5th of a jump.

Spurning Beer June 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Now watch this drive.

superdave June 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Glad to see Politico continues to WIN THE MORNING!

EatsBabyDingos June 11, 2012 at 2:37 pm

And he can't pee his name in the snow because he doesn't know Arabic.

Sassomatic June 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Next you'll tell me he doesn't have a big dick. I hate you.

Jus_Wonderin June 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Actually that is why he can't jump. Gravity/mass, and the like.

NellCote71 June 11, 2012 at 4:30 pm

In my dreams. Really, it's in my dreams.

proudgrampa June 11, 2012 at 2:39 pm

My goodness. Is THIS all they got? "Barry O'Bomber????"

WTF.

Beowoof June 11, 2012 at 2:39 pm

So they are saying he jumps like a white guy. Wait until they see Mitt Romney jumping like a girl.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

A LITTLE girl.

mavenmaven June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

He was no barracuda, apparently.

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Nostrildamus June 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

That's marvelous! Is there a higher resolution version available, per chance?

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Sadly, such technical capabilities eluded us in that long ago year of 2008.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Beaut.

Jimmyone June 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

He should not give up his day job…..singing to the ladies. One more Al Green tune and the the oceans will rise, the sun will shine, and the womenz will swoon. What? He can't dunk? oh my…..

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

What about a natural sense of rhythm? Does he have that? Does he feel pain like the rest of us? Large penis? If he doesn't fit all these stereotypes, it's time to impeach.

prommie June 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Can't swim, heavy bones. A-feared of dogs and sperrits, too.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm

You forgot the extra bone we have in our feet. The old voodoo lady we all know trained us on how to hide it from the white man's x-rays.

LastGasp June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

He can't jump, he can't dunk. But he killed Bin Laden. Take that bitches!

coolhandnuke June 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

But as a Socialist he can spread the rock.

Steverino247 June 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Yeah, but the guy can hit the important shots from bases in Afghanistan.

EatsBabyDingos June 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Chris Christie can dunk. Why, I've seen him dunk a hundred count of Krispy Kreme's before breakfast. He is the Frowned Mound of 400 Pounds.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm

This non-jumping 'issue' has GOT to be good news for Chris Christie.

Mittens Howell, III June 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Ppffftttt … yeah, right Politico. And Mitt Romney can't do the robot.

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Ann Romney is the one that will "do" the robot.

sharethegrief June 11, 2012 at 2:54 pm

and the spin cycle on her washing machine does her.

EatsBabyDingos June 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

And I hear she has a tooth that juts into the center of her mouth. That is why the Secret Service has her handle as "Organ Grinder."

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 11, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Strangely enough, Romney's software does not include Dance Revolution.

NorthStarSpanx June 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Despite the majestic lore of her high school basketball days and her clumsy political metaphors, Sarah Palin doesn't say she'd beat Barack on the court, but in a foot race. . .she'd beat a Kenyan?

"I betcha I'd have more endurance."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/deadlineusa/2009/

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Doesn't endurance mean NOT QUITTING?

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That's not what Glen Rice says.

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Well, golly, I guess this just blows my carefully-constructed illusions all to hell. I'm going to go torture some whales.

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

In his defense, you can't jump high with a joint in your hand.

UnholyMoses June 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

That's funny, as that's the only way I can jump. High, that is. Not spatially speaking, but …

Aw, fuck it.

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm

But your hang time seems a lot longer.

Goonemeritus June 11, 2012 at 2:45 pm

How can it be that he plays basketball like a white guy and bowls like a black guy? I can only assume it because he is awesome in other ways.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

When you're president, you have people who do that stuff for you.

vodkamuppet June 11, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Have they somehow not seen that clip of him sinking a 3 pointer, nothing but net? The real issue here is that he sucks at bowling.

edgydrifter June 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Wait… does this mean he isn't growing watermelons on the White House lawn? I can't tell if I'm supposed to hate him because he fits the stereotype or because he doesn't.

comptoneffect June 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

He planted watermelons right next to the arugula lettuce which makes him a stereotypical black male who is out of touch with real, working class Americans.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Because *real* Americans — and also *working-class* Americans — are never, ever BLACK.

LetUsBray June 11, 2012 at 3:06 pm

As long as you hate him for some reason, they've done their job and are happy.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

OK, here's the deal, see? Are you white? Yes? Then you should hate him because he's half-BLACK.

Are you black? Yes? Then you should hate him because he's half-WHITE.

The take-away lesson from this is, everybody must hate HUSSEIN.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm

And all this half-this, half-that is absurd when it comes to African-Americans, anyway.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

No shit. When you have "black" people who have lighter skins, hair, and eyes than many "white" people (leave aside the issue of the fact that most "black" Americans have PLENTY of "white" in them, or the whole Out of Africa theory).

Ah, but you see, Barack Obama is half AFRICAN. It makes the nutbags mad.

Negropolis June 12, 2012 at 3:11 am

The take-away lesson from this is, everybody must hate HUSSEIN.

I smell a sitcom…

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm
MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

That basketball … was like a BASKETBALL to me!

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Damn — next we'll find out he got someone else to photoshop his birth certificate instead of doing it himself.

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

It is simply the wingnuts seeing the positioning of the Other that is causing them to have this knee-jerk reaction.

UnholyMoses June 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Politico: Breaking down racial stereotypes one idiotic, pointless, absurd, and mendacious story at a time …

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Barry vs. Mittbot 1-on-1 for POTUS!!!!!

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I like those odds.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm

We gotta spot Mitt like 35 electoral votes, tho.

Nostrildamus June 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Unfortunately, Scalia and Thomas would be reffing.

Maman June 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Can we bitch slap David Maraniss for wasting our time with such pablum?

Antispandex June 11, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Yeah, but who's going to post up on the POTUS and throw a hard elbow?

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Karl Malone, Bill Laimbeer, and Kevin McHale all probably would have.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 5:14 pm

You are right, Laimbeer should be under Gitmo!!

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I couldn't dunk when I was a teen either.

Oh, wait, I could!

Now all I can dunk is a donut. I hate being old.

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Yeah, me too. Now I just think about dunking a basketball and my back hurts.

SexySmurf June 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

He also can't dance.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Strategery. If he had given them any more than that, his white male support would have plummeted to zero.

Mittens Howell, III June 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

THERE'S NO JUMPING IN BASEBALL IDIOTS!!!

Whatever.

elburritodeluxe June 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Hey Politico, get it right! The memes go: Obama is frighteningly "urban" and "Obama spends all of his time on vacation". Politico usually sticks to the GOPs playbook better than this.

Shypixel June 11, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Kenyans are runners, not jumpers…. How is this news to anyone? Have you not been listening to Orly?

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Really? You've never heard of these guys?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AidkPPF49xc

I was not aware that Orly broke the news that he had a Kenyan father, also. Or are you saying you have to actually be born in Kenya to get the running/jumping upgrade? That is a breakthrough in pseudo-science!

Negropolis June 12, 2012 at 3:13 am

Masaai warrior jumping dance libel!

elburritodeluxe June 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Now Cheney… he was a balla!

WhatTheHeck June 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

He ought to take up Nascar watching. No jumping required. All you need to do id down a 12-pack of Bud light in a couple of hours. Now that’s a real man’s sport.

niblick77 June 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Look at that air in the photo above and say that………

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Man, look at the fat white guy in front of him, matching him in air time. The brother can't jump!

niblick77 June 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Gravity sucks!

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

What picture are you looking at?!

Negropolis June 12, 2012 at 3:14 am

Ha, ha?

Look at the friend, my friend.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

♫ He's Jumpin B'rack Flash
It's a gas gas gas! ♫

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

With that squad of white fatties, he should sky every time. Michelle oughta bring them boys some celery and Fen-Phen.

Not_So_Much June 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Now I'm confused about his blah-ness?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Judging from the pic I would say that he also only plays against the whitest men possible, to make himself look better.

Texan_Bulldog June 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Well, crap. This means I have to vote for Willard.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Barack Obama needs to do the right thing here, admit his inadequacies and immediately resign from office in disgrace.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Why are his pants around his waist, anyway? Every good blah baller I've seen on the courts lately has them butt-jeans on and a pair of checkboard boxers.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Because he wears Mom jeans, duh. Politico broke that story right around 2008-2009, man, where were you?

NorthStarSpanx June 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon yo!

Woody Harrelson in White Men Can't Jump
Zombieland, Wag the Dog, Natural Born Killers
Woody playing Steve Schmidt in Game Change
Kevin Bacon and Woody in She's Having a Baby

Come on, there is so much allegory here.

anniegetyerfun June 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Mom Jeans restrict vertical movement.

not that Radio June 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm

NOBAMA could jump better if he had some looser shoes.

DahBoner June 12, 2012 at 6:24 am

Or a warm place to shit…

not that Radio June 12, 2012 at 8:32 am

Thank you. Who would allow a perfectly good Earl Butz joke to go to waste? He no playa the game, he no maka the rules.

MittBorg June 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

It's Halfrican't to YOU, Editrix.

alzronnie June 11, 2012 at 3:44 pm

He looks bad at it until you see Mittens try it. Just like everything else.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 11, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Well, at least now we know why he follows Keynesian economics. Thanks Poltiico.

randcoolcatdaddy June 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

In Barrack's defense, it's hard to carve out time for basketball practice when you're pursuing a law degree, having a family and two kids you love, and plotting the dismantling of the Constitution and replacing it with communism. The guy's been busy, you know.

owhatever June 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm

He can't sing, either. Or President.

Billmatic June 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Charles Oakley couldn't jump either and he was pretty good at basketbawwwwwwwwww

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Charles Oakley was pretty good at putting a forearm in the chops of anybody who looked at young Michael Jordan funny, if you want to call that "basketball".

ttommyunger June 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Prolly all that rope he's haulin'.

Diabeetis June 11, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Whether he can jump or not, it looks like he did put on a pair of comfortable shoes after all (a few days too late).

Negropolis June 12, 2012 at 3:07 am

Donovan Slack probably needs to be made an internet example of.

DahBoner June 12, 2012 at 6:23 am

But we know he can tap dance, re: Trump/birth certificate…

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