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Politico: Barack Obama Can’t Jump

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fake as the moon landingJournalism Today: Your Wonket steals from Politico’s aggregating of the Washington Post’s new excerpt of that David Maraniss book, and what buzzworthy and important topic has us all opining and stealing? Oh, just this WORLD-SHAKING INFORMATION we are about to lay down on you, about how Barack Obama is not that good at basketball!

Not just today, when he is 50 or 51 years old or something, but when he was a teen! He was not even that good at basketball then! And HE CAN’T DUNK.

Your Editrix will be on her fainting couch with her salts and a good slug of late-morning gin to recover from the terrible shock brought on by President Afri-cant‘s upcoming impeachment, for not being that good at basketball. [Politico]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • cheetojeebus

    ' The Fuck you say?

  • Hedley_Lamarr

    Well, he is half white.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      So is Blake Griffin, so that's not it. Clearly, Obama has no hops because he is morally weak.

      • bobbert

        Well, or Blake Griffin is eleven feet tall.

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Barry only does 3/5th of a jump.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Now watch this drive.

  • superdave

    Glad to see Politico continues to WIN THE MORNING!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    And he can't pee his name in the snow because he doesn't know Arabic.

  • Sassomatic

    Next you'll tell me he doesn't have a big dick. I hate you.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Actually that is why he can't jump. Gravity/mass, and the like.

      • NellCote71

        In my dreams. Really, it's in my dreams.

  • proudgrampa

    My goodness. Is THIS all they got? "Barry O'Bomber????"

    WTF.

  • Beowoof

    So they are saying he jumps like a white guy. Wait until they see Mitt Romney jumping like a girl.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      A LITTLE girl.

  • mavenmaven

    He was no barracuda, apparently.

  • BarackMyWorld
    • Nostrildamus

      That's marvelous! Is there a higher resolution version available, per chance?

      • BarackMyWorld

        Sadly, such technical capabilities eluded us in that long ago year of 2008.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Beaut.

    • Jimmyone

      He should not give up his day job…..singing to the ladies. One more Al Green tune and the the oceans will rise, the sun will shine, and the womenz will swoon. What? He can't dunk? oh my…..

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What about a natural sense of rhythm? Does he have that? Does he feel pain like the rest of us? Large penis? If he doesn't fit all these stereotypes, it's time to impeach.

    • prommie

      Can't swim, heavy bones. A-feared of dogs and sperrits, too.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      You forgot the extra bone we have in our feet. The old voodoo lady we all know trained us on how to hide it from the white man's x-rays.

  • LastGasp

    He can't jump, he can't dunk. But he killed Bin Laden. Take that bitches!

  • coolhandnuke

    But as a Socialist he can spread the rock.

  • Steverino247

    Yeah, but the guy can hit the important shots from bases in Afghanistan.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Chris Christie can dunk. Why, I've seen him dunk a hundred count of Krispy Kreme's before breakfast. He is the Frowned Mound of 400 Pounds.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      This non-jumping 'issue' has GOT to be good news for Chris Christie.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Ppffftttt … yeah, right Politico. And Mitt Romney can't do the robot.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Ann Romney is the one that will "do" the robot.

      • sharethegrief

        and the spin cycle on her washing machine does her.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        And I hear she has a tooth that juts into the center of her mouth. That is why the Secret Service has her handle as "Organ Grinder."

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Strangely enough, Romney's software does not include Dance Revolution.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Despite the majestic lore of her high school basketball days and her clumsy political metaphors, Sarah Palin doesn't say she'd beat Barack on the court, but in a foot race. . .she'd beat a Kenyan?

    "I betcha I'd have more endurance."
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/deadlineusa/2009/

    • BarackMyWorld

      Doesn't endurance mean NOT QUITTING?

    • Schmannnity

      That's not what Glen Rice says.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well, golly, I guess this just blows my carefully-constructed illusions all to hell. I'm going to go torture some whales.

  • Schmannnity

    In his defense, you can't jump high with a joint in your hand.

    • UnholyMoses

      That's funny, as that's the only way I can jump. High, that is. Not spatially speaking, but …

      Aw, fuck it.

      • Schmannnity

        But your hang time seems a lot longer.

  • Goonemeritus

    How can it be that he plays basketball like a white guy and bowls like a black guy? I can only assume it because he is awesome in other ways.

    • Guppy

      When you're president, you have people who do that stuff for you.

  • vodkamuppet

    Have they somehow not seen that clip of him sinking a 3 pointer, nothing but net? The real issue here is that he sucks at bowling.

  • edgydrifter

    Wait… does this mean he isn't growing watermelons on the White House lawn? I can't tell if I'm supposed to hate him because he fits the stereotype or because he doesn't.

    • comptoneffect

      He planted watermelons right next to the arugula lettuce which makes him a stereotypical black male who is out of touch with real, working class Americans.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Because *real* Americans — and also *working-class* Americans — are never, ever BLACK.

    • LetUsBray

      As long as you hate him for some reason, they've done their job and are happy.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      OK, here's the deal, see? Are you white? Yes? Then you should hate him because he's half-BLACK.

      Are you black? Yes? Then you should hate him because he's half-WHITE.

      The take-away lesson from this is, everybody must hate HUSSEIN.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        And all this half-this, half-that is absurd when it comes to African-Americans, anyway.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          No shit. When you have "black" people who have lighter skins, hair, and eyes than many "white" people (leave aside the issue of the fact that most "black" Americans have PLENTY of "white" in them, or the whole Out of Africa theory).

          Ah, but you see, Barack Obama is half AFRICAN. It makes the nutbags mad.

      • Negropolis

        The take-away lesson from this is, everybody must hate HUSSEIN.

        I smell a sitcom…

  • Baconzgood
    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That basketball … was like a BASKETBALL to me!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Damn — next we'll find out he got someone else to photoshop his birth certificate instead of doing it himself.

  • Doktor Zoom

    It is simply the wingnuts seeing the positioning of the Other that is causing them to have this knee-jerk reaction.

  • UnholyMoses

    Politico: Breaking down racial stereotypes one idiotic, pointless, absurd, and mendacious story at a time …

  • Baconzgood

    Barry vs. Mittbot 1-on-1 for POTUS!!!!!

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I like those odds.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We gotta spot Mitt like 35 electoral votes, tho.

      • Nostrildamus

        Unfortunately, Scalia and Thomas would be reffing.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Can we bitch slap David Maraniss for wasting our time with such pablum?

  • Antispandex

    Yeah, but who's going to post up on the POTUS and throw a hard elbow?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Karl Malone, Bill Laimbeer, and Kevin McHale all probably would have.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        You are right, Laimbeer should be under Gitmo!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I couldn't dunk when I was a teen either.

    Oh, wait, I could!

    Now all I can dunk is a donut. I hate being old.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, me too. Now I just think about dunking a basketball and my back hurts.

  • SexySmurf

    He also can't dance.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Strategery. If he had given them any more than that, his white male support would have plummeted to zero.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    THERE'S NO JUMPING IN BASEBALL IDIOTS!!!

    Whatever.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Hey Politico, get it right! The memes go: Obama is frighteningly "urban" and "Obama spends all of his time on vacation". Politico usually sticks to the GOPs playbook better than this.

  • Shypixel

    Kenyans are runners, not jumpers…. How is this news to anyone? Have you not been listening to Orly?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Really? You've never heard of these guys?
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AidkPPF49xc

      I was not aware that Orly broke the news that he had a Kenyan father, also. Or are you saying you have to actually be born in Kenya to get the running/jumping upgrade? That is a breakthrough in pseudo-science!

    • Negropolis

      Masaai warrior jumping dance libel!

  • elburritodeluxe

    Now Cheney… he was a balla!

  • WhatTheHeck

    He ought to take up Nascar watching. No jumping required. All you need to do id down a 12-pack of Bud light in a couple of hours. Now that’s a real man’s sport.

  • niblick77

    Look at that air in the photo above and say that………

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Man, look at the fat white guy in front of him, matching him in air time. The brother can't jump!

      • niblick77

        Gravity sucks!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        What picture are you looking at?!

      • Negropolis

        Ha, ha?

        Look at the friend, my friend.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    ♫ He's Jumpin B'rack Flash
    It's a gas gas gas! ♫

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    With that squad of white fatties, he should sky every time. Michelle oughta bring them boys some celery and Fen-Phen.

  • Not_So_Much

    Now I'm confused about his blah-ness?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Judging from the pic I would say that he also only plays against the whitest men possible, to make himself look better.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Well, crap. This means I have to vote for Willard.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Barack Obama needs to do the right thing here, admit his inadequacies and immediately resign from office in disgrace.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Why are his pants around his waist, anyway? Every good blah baller I've seen on the courts lately has them butt-jeans on and a pair of checkboard boxers.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Because he wears Mom jeans, duh. Politico broke that story right around 2008-2009, man, where were you?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Six degrees of Kevin Bacon yo!

    Woody Harrelson in White Men Can't Jump
    Zombieland, Wag the Dog, Natural Born Killers
    Woody playing Steve Schmidt in Game Change
    Kevin Bacon and Woody in She's Having a Baby

    Come on, there is so much allegory here.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Mom Jeans restrict vertical movement.

  • not that Radio

    NOBAMA could jump better if he had some looser shoes.

    • DahBoner

      Or a warm place to shit…

      • not that Radio

        Thank you. Who would allow a perfectly good Earl Butz joke to go to waste? He no playa the game, he no maka the rules.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    It's Halfrican't to YOU, Editrix.

  • alzronnie

    He looks bad at it until you see Mittens try it. Just like everything else.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, at least now we know why he follows Keynesian economics. Thanks Poltiico.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    In Barrack's defense, it's hard to carve out time for basketball practice when you're pursuing a law degree, having a family and two kids you love, and plotting the dismantling of the Constitution and replacing it with communism. The guy's been busy, you know.

  • owhatever

    He can't sing, either. Or President.

  • Billmatic

    Charles Oakley couldn't jump either and he was pretty good at basketbawwwwwwwwww

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Charles Oakley was pretty good at putting a forearm in the chops of anybody who looked at young Michael Jordan funny, if you want to call that "basketball".

  • ttommyunger

    Prolly all that rope he's haulin'.

  • Diabeetis

    Whether he can jump or not, it looks like he did put on a pair of comfortable shoes after all (a few days too late).

  • Negropolis

    Donovan Slack probably needs to be made an internet example of.

  • DahBoner

    But we know he can tap dance, re: Trump/birth certificate…