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Politico: Barack Obama Can’t Jump

fake as the moon landingJournalism Today: Your Wonket steals from Politico’s aggregating of the Washington Post’s new excerpt of that David Maraniss book, and what buzzworthy and important topic has us all opining and stealing? Oh, just this WORLD-SHAKING INFORMATION we are about to lay down on you, about how Barack Obama is not that good at basketball!

Not just today, when he is 50 or 51 years old or something, but when he was a teen! He was not even that good at basketball then! And HE CAN’T DUNK.

Your Editrix will be on her fainting couch with her salts and a good slug of late-morning gin to recover from the terrible shock brought on by President Afri-cant‘s upcoming impeachment, for not being that good at basketball. [Politico]

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  1. Beowoof

    So they are saying he jumps like a white guy. Wait until they see Mitt Romney jumping like a girl.

    1. Jimmyone

      He should not give up his day job…..singing to the ladies. One more Al Green tune and the the oceans will rise, the sun will shine, and the womenz will swoon. What? He can't dunk? oh my…..

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    What about a natural sense of rhythm? Does he have that? Does he feel pain like the rest of us? Large penis? If he doesn't fit all these stereotypes, it's time to impeach.

  3. EatsBabyDingos

    Chris Christie can dunk. Why, I've seen him dunk a hundred count of Krispy Kreme's before breakfast. He is the Frowned Mound of 400 Pounds.

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        And I hear she has a tooth that juts into the center of her mouth. That is why the Secret Service has her handle as "Organ Grinder."

  4. Doktor Zoom

    Well, golly, I guess this just blows my carefully-constructed illusions all to hell. I'm going to go torture some whales.

    1. UnholyMoses

      That's funny, as that's the only way I can jump. High, that is. Not spatially speaking, but …

      Aw, fuck it.

  5. Goonemeritus

    How can it be that he plays basketball like a white guy and bowls like a black guy? I can only assume it because he is awesome in other ways.

  6. vodkamuppet

    Have they somehow not seen that clip of him sinking a 3 pointer, nothing but net? The real issue here is that he sucks at bowling.

  7. edgydrifter

    Wait… does this mean he isn't growing watermelons on the White House lawn? I can't tell if I'm supposed to hate him because he fits the stereotype or because he doesn't.

    1. comptoneffect

      He planted watermelons right next to the arugula lettuce which makes him a stereotypical black male who is out of touch with real, working class Americans.

    2. MittBorg

      OK, here's the deal, see? Are you white? Yes? Then you should hate him because he's half-BLACK.

      Are you black? Yes? Then you should hate him because he's half-WHITE.

      The take-away lesson from this is, everybody must hate HUSSEIN.

        1. MittBorg

          No shit. When you have "black" people who have lighter skins, hair, and eyes than many "white" people (leave aside the issue of the fact that most "black" Americans have PLENTY of "white" in them, or the whole Out of Africa theory).

          Ah, but you see, Barack Obama is half AFRICAN. It makes the nutbags mad.

      1. Negropolis

        The take-away lesson from this is, everybody must hate HUSSEIN.

        I smell a sitcom…

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Damn — next we'll find out he got someone else to photoshop his birth certificate instead of doing it himself.

  9. Doktor Zoom

    It is simply the wingnuts seeing the positioning of the Other that is causing them to have this knee-jerk reaction.

  10. UnholyMoses

    Politico: Breaking down racial stereotypes one idiotic, pointless, absurd, and mendacious story at a time …

  11. elburritodeluxe

    Hey Politico, get it right! The memes go: Obama is frighteningly "urban" and "Obama spends all of his time on vacation". Politico usually sticks to the GOPs playbook better than this.

  12. Shypixel

    Kenyans are runners, not jumpers…. How is this news to anyone? Have you not been listening to Orly?

  13. WhatTheHeck

    He ought to take up Nascar watching. No jumping required. All you need to do id down a 12-pack of Bud light in a couple of hours. Now that’s a real man’s sport.

  14. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    With that squad of white fatties, he should sky every time. Michelle oughta bring them boys some celery and Fen-Phen.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Judging from the pic I would say that he also only plays against the whitest men possible, to make himself look better.

  16. actor212

    Why are his pants around his waist, anyway? Every good blah baller I've seen on the courts lately has them butt-jeans on and a pair of checkboard boxers.

  17. NorthStarSpanx

    Six degrees of Kevin Bacon yo!

    Woody Harrelson in White Men Can't Jump
    Zombieland, Wag the Dog, Natural Born Killers
    Woody playing Steve Schmidt in Game Change
    Kevin Bacon and Woody in She's Having a Baby

    Come on, there is so much allegory here.

      1. not that Radio

        Thank you. Who would allow a perfectly good Earl Butz joke to go to waste? He no playa the game, he no maka the rules.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, at least now we know why he follows Keynesian economics. Thanks Poltiico.

  19. randcoolcatdaddy

    In Barrack's defense, it's hard to carve out time for basketball practice when you're pursuing a law degree, having a family and two kids you love, and plotting the dismantling of the Constitution and replacing it with communism. The guy's been busy, you know.

  20. Chet Kincaid

    Charles Oakley was pretty good at putting a forearm in the chops of anybody who looked at young Michael Jordan funny, if you want to call that "basketball".

  21. Diabeetis

    Whether he can jump or not, it looks like he did put on a pair of comfortable shoes after all (a few days too late).

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