gangster's paradise

What We Learned From The Nice Libertarian Fellows At 1:30 In The Morning In A Detroit Hotel Bar

gorezillaWe tricked you! The nice Libertarian fellows in the Detroit hotel bar at 1:30 in the morning were not nice at all! They were stupid fucking idiots! But we learned a lot from them anyway, like so:

* Al Gore invented the Internet.

* Al Gore lied about being the basis for the main character in Love Story.

* If someone calls out both of these statements as the complete lies of fucking idiots and explains succintly why, all of a sudden the conversation will mysteriously turn to the size of Al Gore’s house. Also, he flies on planes.

* If you own a business, that is the same as running the National Institutes of Health, therefore ergo and QED of course you know what the National Institutes of Health does. Did you not just say you run a business?

* There is no room for federal jurisdiction over any civil rights matter, including such basic rights as being able to marry a black person if you are white, and vice versa.

* Libertarian dudes looooove them some commie chicks what are hanging out and yelling at them in the Detroit hotel bar at 1:30 in the morning. Even though said Libertarian dudes already come accessorized with wedding bands.

* Sometimes they fall down.

* It is cute to ask a question and then literally before you have closed your mouth on that question to yell TIME’S UP! This is adorable and in no way disgusting and awful and will not make people want to punch you in your fat Libertarian face.

* When another reeeeeeallly drunk dude at the bar comes over to the group of newspaper people with whom you have settled to finally get away from the Libertarians and then gets thrown out for dreamily offering to “fuck your face off,” you will actually find it less offensive than the Libertarian dudes saying that any kind of market regulation whatsoever will destroy the economy, and so we must let the children die from hexavalent chromium because “free market,” and we should all be living in free-market-paradise Somalia. More serial-kill-y, sure, but still less offensive.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Al Gore was Ali MacGraw?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Does anyone else remember the 7-Up commercial that was a parody of "Love Story?"

      The guy fell in love with a bottle of 7-Up. They dated, ran around together, and all that.

      Late one night he came back to the apartment and the bottle was on the floor, with the cap off and empty…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        No, but I love it already.

        • Tundra Grifter

          Worst quality since the last T-Bagger video.
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_xhvjzjk3Ahttp://

          It's Michael Ontkean – perhaps a smarter Wonketter can find a better version.

          "That's my story…"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thanks, TG! I'm looking, because this one's almost unwatchable!

          • Tundra Grifter

            MB:

            I agree. Every other copy on the 'net seems to have been taken down. This guy has spread his version around like crazy. It's so bad 7-UP probably doesn't care.

            They should put their best commercials on their own website.

            Actually, it's even better than I remembered. Hilarious. Too bad we couldn't locate decent version. But, then, I'm not going to watch it every day.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Yep. He called me preppie. Then he died.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      No, but he fucked her in college.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Sounds like a recap of the worst date ever.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Did you have a good time TIMES UP!

    • prommie

      So there I was, there I was, IN the CONGO. . . .

    • Baconzgood

      Once I went on a blind date that was so bad in the middle of dinner I excused myself to go to the men's room, got into my car and drove away. You know what? The date was sooooo bad I didn't mind that I was her ride home.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I hope you paid the bill and called her a cab, Baconzgood. OTOH, I've been tempted to climb out a few terlet windows myself, to get away from a spectacularly bad match, so, sympathies, dude.

        • Baconzgood

          No the cab and tab were her issue for stealing 2 hours of my life that would have been better spent having a small child punching me in the crotch. It's somthing I would never do under normal conditions (being raised with quite an amount of chivalry-I even stand when a woman enters a room) but this caused for drastic measures. I still regret nothing of my actions. It was like dating combat, Baconz had to do what he had to to survive.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (Muses on the mental image of a little piglet running hell for leather in combat gear) OK. You made me laugh my ass off for the day.

      • tessiee

        I once had a blind day with a guy who was actually blind, with the white cane and everything. In one of life's cruel ironies, he was amazingly handsome — like Matthew McConnaughey handsome. I made sure to wear a nice perfume and a soft, velvety flannel shirt. He did feel me, in a decent moral way, to check me out. I actually had a really good time.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          How interesting, tessiee! My mother had a good friend who was blind. He had the softest, most sensitive hands.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            "He had the softest, most sensitive hands"

            please do NOT tell us how you know this!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I was introduced to him, and shook his hand. He asked if he could feel my face, since he could not see it. Then he ran his delicate sensitive hands over my features very gently, as if he was memorizing them.

        • Limeylizzie

          That is excellent, I bet he would be awesomely wonderful in the bedroom.

      • http://politicsafter50.blogspot.com lisawines

        I once had a blind date where the guy showed up wearing a powder-blue, zip-up, one-piece Elvis-style outfit with white patent leather shoes… and he was serious. He said he liked to dress that way (I HAD to ask him).

        I once had a blind date with a guy who told me at the restaurant (before we ordered) that he didn't have his wallet so we went back to his apartment to get it but instead, he offered me leftovers of his roommate's cold pizza and then he fell asleep as fast as a narcoleptic. I escaped and walked home.

        I once had a date where the guy tossed the keys to his '84 Corolla to the parking attendant and said, "Don't have too much fun with this sportster" and then, inside the fine French restaurant he discovered he didn't have his wallet AFTER the expensive meal so I went to the ladies room and stayed there until a waitress came in and told me the guy had settled his bill somehow.

        I don't date anymore.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Soon, she'll be getting an email from the "libertarian" laying out the case why she's a complete bitch for not going out on a second date with him.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Surely you remember the whiz kid Young Republican who took some Young Republicanette to task by writing her umpteen emails trashing her for not dating him? It was a masterpiece of stalkerishness. Let's hope Becca-Lou's Boy Wonder has other things to keep him busy — like an irate wife.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          That was pretty much the story I had in mind, except he was a Wall Street broker or investment banker, and tried to logically explain why she should fall in love with him

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yes he was and as Young Republican as they come. There was nothing "logical" about his letters, they were a horrendous exercise in soul-baring from someone with a very tiny, stunted dark little soul.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Idiot pics or GTFO.

    • WunkRocker

      you know it's fake. They don't still have hotels in Detroit.

      • DeathOfIrony

        You need to go to Taylor-tuckey to find the sensible drunk libertarians

  • Antispandex

    That's what you get for hanging out in bars in third world countries!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm FROM a third world country, and I can assure you, unless the expatriates are misbehaving again, you're not likely to get anything that offensive in a bar in a third world country.

      • Antispandex

        See, what I was doing there was taking the fact that she was in Detroit, talking to a Libertarian…I mean maybe I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man…You know, the Jungian thing.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Poor you. I'm sorry. I was feeling mean. I won't do it no more.

    • mrpuma2u

      See should have come to Chicago, just sayin'. Then you could have listened to whiny Cub fans or Sox fans whining about why Komiskey or whatever they call it now nevers sells out.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Also, I am failing to understand why there were not Wonketteers beating the ever-loving fuck out of said Libertarians?

    • prommie

      Cause I was not there!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        And I also was not there. It would have made me very happy to beat the holy crap out of some crude fuck who would offer to fuck a woman's face off in a fucking bar.

        • Jimmyone

          About a month ago, Mrs. Jimmyone and I were helping some friends celebrate the completion of their Black Belt tests, and the bubbly was flowing, and fun was being had……when a young man with a southern accent sauntered over and offered to do something similar to the youngest women at the table….now I would have thought the conversation we were having would stop, and a confrontation would ensue. These gals just kept on laughing and talking and ignoring the young man…..He said it again….We really didn't know what his politics were, but at this point, Casey the object of this mans infatuation, shrugged and smiled at me, because I knew what was coming, she jump up, planted her foot up side his head ever so gently and sat down, Mrs. Don't ever say that again, jumped up and did same thing on the other side, by now this guy is standing rigidly with his hands clasped over his *cough* family jewels, shivering like a wet dog. We looked over to his pals, they couldn't even make eye contact. I really luv them womenz.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Nice work, laydeez!

            I love when people pick on someone because they think they'll be easy to push around and then find out different. Hopefully, it will teach such people to start treating others with respect.

            Hopeful li'l fucker, ain't I?

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            I've always envisioned a similar type of scenario and havibg super-duper karate-type skills (numchukz? trucknutz?) to put someone like that in their place…unfortunately I'm too lazy to do all the hard work and discipline it takes to develop such Black Belt skillz, so I keep dreaming (but I would give anything to see an iPhone video of the smackdown!)

          • Jimmyone

            Yeah I know, it happened so fast….and I was momentarily stunned at the guys stupidity…..and my knowledge of what could happen next. Plus… I knew us mortals were safe.Robert Soby

        • Boojum

          And me! I would have enjoyed some throat punching!

        • Biff

          Jesuschrist, that used to be one of my best lines!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Time for an update, dood.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea, I'm sort of glad I wasn't there. I would have gotten quite stabby.

    • vodkamuppet

      Different bar than the drinky meet up thingy.

      • anniegetyerfun

        There's more than one bar in Detroit?

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          I'm sure there is more than one. Probably the only businesses left in Detroit.

        • Negropolis

          Actually, that's all that is left in Detroit. Bars, churches and beauty shops, usually, right next door to one another, in fact.

    • Steverino247

      Because I was not present (my transporter is in the shop).

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yes, but if you'd been there, we'd all have been treated to the sight of Mr. FuckYourFaceOff peeing his pants. And how fun would THAT be?

        • Steverino247

          There is no substitute for victory.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Al Gore also invented pregnancy proof math-the algorythm method.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You abortionist!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Quick, we need to spread that meme!

    • Redhead

      STILL more effective than holding aspirin between your knees.

  • HempDogbane

    I only have drunken conversations with local stupid fucking idiots. Traveling all the way to exotic Detroit is Elitist !

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Your conversational habits are so green. You should get LEAD points.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Next time come to Seattle. We know better than to let those douches inside the city limits.

    • nounverb911

      They all live in Puyallup?

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Or were deported to Lakewood & White Center.

        • OldWhiteLies

          Well then somebody needs to do a head check, cause we got a few stragglers down in Maple Valley for whom sumbuddy needz to make other arrangements.

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Last time I checked maple valley wasn't in the Seattle city limits.

          • OldWhiteLies

            True. But I like to pretend my adopted little berg doesn't actually cultivate these neanderthals in basements like other fungi (if only). So please allow me my occasional fantasy that said neanderthals are actually all escapees from appropriate institutions in other obscure towns in our state.

            Your indulgence is worth at least one drink on me, I assure you.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Or Marysville.

        ETA: Or Wenatchee, where I grew up and now refuse to visit. But that's in another state, really.

    • emmelemm

      Oh boy… I know a few. Inside the city limits. Boggles the mind, dunnit?

      • ratcityrebel

        I've seen my fair share of John Galt and MOAR FREEDUM, LESS GUBMINT bumper stickers inside the city limits. Not many, but enough.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Commuters from Tacoma. They don't count. And refuse to take Sound Transit.

      • anniegetyerfun

        My husband and I recently bought a house outside of the city, and we actually saw several listings on Redfin that prominently displayed Sarah Palin signage from the last election. We X'ed those houses right off of our lists, no matter how good the price. Because we are intolerant liberals.

        • emmelemm

          "Several"???? Several Sarah Palin-supporting houses? U G H.

          PS I'm also an intolerant liberal and if I learn that someone I want to buy something from is conservative/religious nut in any way, I abandon the plan immediately.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Yeah, I've gone to eBay stores and seen the Jesus and kitten clip art, and had to give up on whatever perfect item they are selling. Just. Can't.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'm so proud of you both.

          Also too a smart move, because if they like the Snowbilly Grifter, they probably share what passes for morals with her. They wouldn't hestitate to lie their asses off about some potentially mortally endangering condition.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Let's be honest, though. We aren't really very good at keeping those Portland anarchists out of Seattle, and they're worse than a shoe-eating dog.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Been to Beltown recently?

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        With all this Seattle response, clearly we need a Seattle get together. We'd likely have more than 6, so perhaps a place where we can reserve a room or area like the Latona in Ravenna/Green Lake area or maybe one of the larger Capitol Hill spots.

        • OldWhiteLies

          If my own presence is acceptable to others, may I then request that it be on a Saturday, as opposed to a weeknight?

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            Works for me.

          • OldWhiteLies

            Right then. So how do we make it so? Do we have alternate communication devices that won't have us trading responses down to 10mm comment widths here?

    • Negropolis

      I don't know, the Northwest seems far more open to libertarianism (even within liberalism) than the labor Democrats of Metro Detroit.

  • mcrummett

    Oh Wonkette, you meet the nicest people!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Are YOU the guy who offered to fuck the Editrix' face off?

      • OneDollarJuana

        Is THAT what that bath-salt-zombie-guy thought he was doing?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Ess, fress … it's all the same thing, no?

      • mcrummett

        No, but I may be the guy who fell down.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          In that case, you might be in enough pain already.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I saw two groups of grown men brawl over whether Kid Rock or Insane Clown Posse should be next on the jukebox at a Detroit bar once. Good times.

    • Guppy

      At that point you walk right back the fuck out.

      • Allmighty_Manos

        No way, much more interesting than Meet the Press.

    • http://slackoftownnola.wordpress.com Wonkette, Refudiated

      That is the point where I put in $10 and play nothing but Journey's "When the lights go down in mah citaaay " or whatever 10 times and walk out.

    • TribecaMike

      Yeesh, back in the day it was Alice Cooper or MC5.

  • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    So wait, "I'll fuck your face off" doesn't work? Shit, explains my dry spell lately

    • Groupshrug

      Oh God, I hate it when a bitch doesn't want to suck a dick.

    • UnholyMoses

      I think it has to do with location — fucking someone's ass or vagina or dick off is one thing. But the face?

      Only porn stars allow that. Or so my wife keeps telling me.

      Wait. What?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hard to tell what bitches want.

      • MiniMencken

        No offers of anal? Last week, a ladyfriend told me about a date with an on-line meet-up dude who assured her that once she tried anal with him, a recognized Master in the field, she would soon be "begging for it." Strangely, he didn't get a second date either.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Amazing, innit? You'd think bitches would recognize a God in Pants when they see one, but no.

          • WunkRocker

            or an Ass Master.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Bitches, how do they work?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I can just imagine these Insane Clowns muttering that under their breath.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Libertarianism: a curious philosophical concoction comprised mostly of cheeto dust, moisturizer, and crusty cum-sox, left to age in a mom's basement for up to 12 post-college years.

  • Baconzgood

    Rebecca, Does someone need a hug and a Silkwood shower?

    • Steverino247

      It that order?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm in charge of hugs, move over.

      • http://wonkette.com BelleSC

        And for good reason :-)

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Hugs the Belle) Why, thanky!

  • chascates

    If the bars in Detroit are full of Paultards then the city really has died. Move the poor to Canada and pave the place over.

  • skoalrebel

    You're just jealous, Rebecca. [spit] You know you could never land a winner like me.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I'm tired of waiting for these fuckers to go Galt. Let's send them all to Somalia, where, freed from the onerous restrictions of government regulation of the marketplace that is holding them back they will quickly invent machinery that turns sand into water, food, marijuana and a powerful new rocket fuel that they will use to propel the starships that they'll build so they can leave the Earth behind and go live forever among the stars.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well said. Just like RFK wished …dream things that never were and ask, 'Why not?'"

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      hah! reminds me of my very FAVORITE Somalia/ Libertarian paradise video!
      REGULATION VACATION CELEBRATION! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QDv4sYwjO0

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Or maybe just get sawed in half with an AK-47 by some pissed of Somalian.

  • prommie

    Libertarians, the problem is the smugness, they have that smugness of the half-bright kind of person who is somewhat smart, but not smart enough to know just how fucking much they don't know, and this ignorance makes them so cocksure. So they bascially just beg to be throat-punched, don't they? Where's my neck-stompin partner? Throat-punching and neck-stomping, in a completely non-violent way, of course.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Got yer back, buddy. Polishing my knuckle callouses as we speak.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Al Gore made out like a bandit with that DVD. Free Market Win!!

    • OneDollarJuana

      And DVD's are made of oil!

  • rickmaci

    I would love to know where loud, loutish, Libertarian f'*tards from Detroit make a living, given that 95% of the the people in Detroit make a living. one way or the other, off of the auto industry that wouldn't exist today if it weren't for the f *ing gubrment.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Al Gore also broke up Larry David's marriage. KUDOS!

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Two things to remember when dealing with loony-tarians.

    A. They don't know what they're talking about`.
    B. See A

    • prommie

      But the amazing thing is that they are completely convinced that they DO know what the fuck they are talking about.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Ayn Rand dressed up her ideas in the most cheap philosophical drag possible.
        So after these fools read her mental vomit that was fueled by her speed addiction, they think they're the smartest people in any room.
        Any one of the those old Greek dudes could have kicked Rand's ass in a debate.

        • Buckminster

          Crap. I am sucked into a debate on another site with one of these mental midgets on the subject of allowing women to have birth control. Why don't we just put them all on ignore? I guess I just don't think they are as irreparable as the GOP.

    • Buckminster

      And, if you have to listen to any more of their nonsense, go back to A again.

  • OldWhiteLies

    Dearest Editrix, you are TRULY and SURELY a librul wonk (no pun intended, but go ahead anywayz … ) when you are more offended by libertariantards, than a drunk dude's leeringly blunt "offer" (such that it got him tossed).

    I hereby commend you profoundly for your priorities! And may you receive better offers for "personal fulfillment" from those whom you would actually deem worthy.

    Sincerely, OWL

  • chascates

    And it snowed someplace last winter so there's no global warming.

    • Pithaughn

      Indeed. Our local libertarians ( I sold a truck to one Sat !) are strangely silent about global warming now that the state is burning and the snowpack is at 2% of historical averages. Said history going back 750,000 years. Oh, but is the guvmints fault the forests are burning because the onerous regulations prevent the chain sawing of said beetle killed trees. Never mind the higher nightime winter temps are part of the reason the beetles are on the rampage.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I don't know why, but they seem incapable of holding more than a single train of thought in their heads. They don't see that increasing temperatures are changing the *range* of disease, and their vectors, the insects that harbour and spread them. I know quite a few (not well, but the SillyValley is infested with them), and some of them are very smart, but only in a very narrow way. Good at math, or at code, or at assembly language, sucky at everything else.

        • Dashboard_Jesus

          "increasing temperatures are changing the *range* of disease, and their vectors, the insects that harbour and spread them"

          I love it when you talk dirty

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            So do both my partners!~ And they tell me that all the time!

            Of course, *our* idea of "talk dirty" is detailed discussions of coprophagous insects and their sex life, but hey. Ya takes wut ya can get.

    • extreme_left

      NASA is also corrupt with Climate scientists flying around in their publicly funded Satellites, hand in hand with the UN enforcing the New world order which isn't the one Bush the younger was talking about… I like money.

  • SayItWithWookies

    One of the fun things about conversations with Libertarians is that if you scratch around a little bit, there's always a conspiracy theorist not too far under the surface — the 9/11 truthers are the most fun, but there's always the One World Government, the Mexico-to-Canada Highway, Ameros or just about anything else. Bring one of those up obliquely, let them take the bait and then have fun laughing at 'em.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      The FDA. There's a really good one. Weird thing is, they're usually freaked about Big Pharma & Big Food which, if you think about the whole "a businessman knows more about health insurance than the government" would make Big Pharma & Big Food the most benevolent people on the planet.

      But nooooooooooo, they're "The Man" because RAW MILK!

    • rickmaci

      I love Ameros. baked golden brown on the the outside, creamy white filing with chocolate chips on the inside. Yum.

    • Buckminster

      There's a whole lot of weird under the surface of these kookie-mobiles.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      hey I resemble that remark! I am a 9/11 'truther' (if you believe the load of crap from the Bush/ Cheney fucktards) and the Repig asshole governor of my state of Indiana HAS pushed thru the extension of the I-69 interstate extension from Mexico to Canada (yes ironic name for the highway) but I love you anyway, and I'll never quit you Wooks!

  • Groupshrug

    Or as the Libertarian dude put it: That bitch couldn't handle the truth so she took off.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      "Didn't she see how awesome I am?! That bitch!"

    • tessiee

      It's not limited to Libertarians, unfortunately:
      If you ignore them: "I see you're stuck for an answer"
      If you counteract them with facts: "Wow, you're obsessed with the subject"
      If you tell them to fuck off: "Aha, I must have really gotten to you".

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, you know those guys too, huh?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Aw, man, I love meeting drunk "Libertarians" then making them eat their own words when I publish the photos in Advocate the next day.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Of them sucking your cock? Or what? Because Libertarians are supposed to be above all that, you know.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        All of them, Katie.

  • niblick77

    I hope they were not drinking any Government labeled Whiskey! Because, you know….communists!

  • freakishlywrong

    Were the libertarians bailed out auto workers? Cuz, you know, irony.

  • Schmannnity

    I used to think it was a sure sign of alcoholism, but your experience is why hip flasks were invented.

  • Goonemeritus

    Detroit Libertarians are exactly what convenient concealable Mace was developed for. I don’t want to get all fatherly on your ass young lady but buy some and learn how to use it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      What Goonemeritus said, BeccaLou. We need to know our Editrix is safe on these expeditions. Either take Steverino with ya or get that damn Mace.

      • Goonemeritus

        Kid’s they grow up but you never stop worrying amirite?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You sure am. My Best Girl is off in fucking VietNam right now and I am having the leaping fantods. I keep thinking of a curly little three year-old head (she's 20).

    • Guppy

      Mace? I got the impression that our Editrix grew up having to learn how to field-strip an AK.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yeah, but you're not *supposed* to discharge *those* at facefuckers.

        • Guppy

          She'd just be standing her ground.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            She'd have to take the Libertarian to FL first, though. I don't think Michigan has Stand Your Ground laws.

          • Negropolis

            We do, along with dozens of other states. I think our law only differs with Florida in that you have to fear for your life to claim it, instead of the "great bodily harm" bullshit excuse.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Jaysus!

  • SmutBoffin

    They let assholes into bars now?

    • Baconzgood

      They let them in. You and I should go drinkin', after a few toots in me you'll see just "How Long" they let assholes stay

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I didn't know they ever let them OUT!

      • SmutBoffin

        Gotta sleep off the booze somewhere. Too bad you can't sleep off being a committed dickhole.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I don't mind drunks as such, as long as they're not puking on me or nasty. It's the dickholes I mind. And for them, there's no 12-step program.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Yeah, they won't let me smoke, but they let assholes in. Go figure.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I just quit last year. Finally, after all these years.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I have a script for Chantix in my wallet. I stopped for about 2 years. But started back, when drinking, saying “Oh, just one won't hurt.” I generally think I am a sharp person but my smoking and my reasoning say otherwise.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're a sharp person. Smoking's got nothing to do with that. I figured out that I was hammering the nails into my own coffin, and everyone else I know who's a smoker has some serious bad medical problems, and it's time to decide how I wanna go. Personally, I'd rather go screaming into the sunset on a big bike over a high hill, stoned out of my brain and high as a kite on everything in the medicine cabinet. Not in a bed hooked up to machines.

            When you get to that stage, you'll let them go. Don't worry about it, and don't beat yourself up. There's always PLENTY of people happy to do that for you. (Hugs JW)

        • tessiee

          Keep a jar of whole cloves handy. when you get the urge for a cig, put a clove in your mouth and just hold it there. Don't chew it, and don't swallow it. A co-worker who quit smoking 2 months before I did gave me that suggestion, and it really did help.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            For me, that would've been disaster, darls. I smoked those clove cigarettes. But I'm rid of them for good. I even have a couple lying around somewhere (I know, I should throw them away, but I'm busy) and I have never been tempted to pick them up again. It's been 18 months now.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I got tested for Libertarianism the other week, turns out I had a nasty strain of syphilis and a dash of anti-biotic resistant gonorrhea.

    Whew, dodged a bullet there.

    • Shypixel

      Those aren't the same things?

      • Mittens Howell, III

        Close, but Syphilitic sores are more evolved, Libertarians don't have the minimum level of self awareness required for weeping.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh, my, Mittens!

    • Steverino247

      You've got cholera!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    By the way, Editrix, you do still have your face, right?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Wait – I thought Detroit was empty. Oh yeah … I guess it still is….

  • PhilippePetain

    Dude, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to be all super machismo-man here, but without much deviation, Libertarian types are the guys that would never be able to make it on their own in the world. Almost without fail in my anecdotal experience, they use this political standpoint as a a crutch for their own personal issues. Not one of them has ever been someone I would deem "self-sufficient" or "able to handle his ass in a fight when he disrespects someone".

    I don't like boys picking on girls. I know this doesn't sound like it gives much credit to said pickee who can apparently handle her own shit, but sorry. Gut reaction.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      My brother calls himself Libertarian. He lives in my Mom's garage. Granted, he does help her out but…he lives in her garage.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Does he call your mother "Invisible Hand?" He should.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's a natural reaction. Unless Rebecca was Orly Taintz, noted karate black belt, I wouldn't feel comfortable with the thought of some grunting pig picking on her. Of course, if she HAS a black belt in karate and uses it to render said pig helpless, I'm not gonna waste any sympathetic tears on the fucker.

    • tessiee

      "Libertarian types are the guys that would never be able to make it on their own in the world."

      Remember in the movie "Deliverance", the survivalist character who started out talking about how he wanted to "live off the land" broke his leg and *literally* had to be carried by his friends? I've always thought the irony of that was intentional.

  • mavenmaven

    A whole post on annoying libertarians and not one reference to either Paul? They must have been faketarians. A true libertarian would have pulled down his pants and exposed himself to you in the name of Ron and Rand.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Rand's getting NO love from the PaulTrads this week. He BETRAYED them by endorsing Romney!

    • Guppy

      In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost of Ayn Rand…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, noes, now we have to deal with GhostAynRand too? GhostAndrewBreitbart wasn't enough?

        • Guppy

          No no, not that kind of ghost, think of the Randian Spirit as a bird, one that craps on all the little people down below.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, yeah, those kind! How apt.

  • smitallica

    Don't worry. They get drunk and mouthy and then they all vote for Ron Paul and effectively disappear.

  • Shypixel

    Did you not also learn that it snowed somewhere this past winter, thus disproving forever any theories of climate change ever?

  • savethispatient

    That creepy guy was just quoting "50 Shades of Grey", surely?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Libertarians are so bad KrugerRand won't even support his own father.

    I hope they at least bought you a drink.

  • SirHotspur

    "Screenshot or it didn't happen."

    -Stephen Glass

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Al Gore invented face fucking.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Good times, good times. Didja tell him where you come from we EAT faces off? Might've kept him quiet for a bit.

  • rickmaci

    Winning an argument with a drunken looneytarian is a bit like an able body person winning the 100 yard dash at the Special Olympics. It may feel good for an instant at the finish but you know you really can't tell anyone.

  • Dildeaux

    Drunk high school sophmores are so cute.

    And if we really want some fun round these parts, put Ron Pauls name in the headline. Boom! Instant pualtards trolling Wonkette. Interesting mix, I say.

  • IncenseDebate

    I like those cute pornos when the libertarians wear glasses and pretend to read. Then they take their clothes off.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You did get their email addresses, didn't you? Cry havoc, and let slip the Wonks of War.

  • owhatever

    Last night I passed out in Detroit city,
    and I dreamed about a Wonkette fighting me,
    She had a big ole whip,
    And a mask with funny ears,
    So I went home to my wife,
    With my face all stained by tears.

    I don't wanna go home,
    I don't wanna go home,
    But Wonkette said I
    Gotta go home.

    Or she'd kick my butt some more.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Nice work!

  • SoBeach

    Every libertarian I've ever met had a double helping of the asshole gene. They are as intransigent and myopic as any other religious fundamentalist, with the added bonus of being total dicks about it.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    They learned that TIME'S UP shit from their wives and girlfriends. Have one of 'em grunt and grind on you for a minute and you'd yell TIME'S UP too.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Wow, I would have flown up if I had known there was gonna be a rumble.

  • coolhandnuke

    …I'll “fuck your face off,"….
    This learned bar trowler must have one impressive Fountainhead.

  • TribecaMike

    My local tavern's resident know-it-all libertarian is the most permanently pickled person I've ever come across. How he manages to keep his job is beyond me; he certainly can't keep his balance.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      What's his job, beer-taster for the tavern?

      • TribecaMike

        Hey, that's my job!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Has it ever occurred to you that he might *seem* unbalanced because of all the doing you've been jobbing in the course of your drink?

          I hate when I go to brush something off my shoulder, and it's the floor.

          • TribecaMike

            Those wood shavings can be murder on tweed.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oy, a man with a sense of fashion!

  • Steverino247

    Had a Libertarian verbally abused my date at a bar, Ron Paul wouldn't be the only one remaining flat.

  • UnholyMoses

    Libertarians tend to come in a few distinct flavors (all of them acrid and bitter):

    1. Pothead Frat Douche — Thinks getting rid of gov't would be the best thing ever because "Dude, we could smoke weed ANYWHERE!" This kind is usually only found in fraternity houses at second-rate state colleges and universities, and usually fades after graduation, though not always. (See: Reynolds, Glenn).

    2. Shitty Small Business Owner — Note that the business in question has never made even a penny of profit, which the owner attributes to gov't interference (e.g., taxes, laws that don't let him pay workers $.10 a day, workplace safety, etc.) rather than a shitty product and/or service. Tends to feel this way until they find a gov't program that will give them millions of dollars in handouts. (See: Schilling, Curt).

    3. Non-Christian Republican — This breed has gone all-in with getting gov't small enough to drown, but isn't the church-going type. Thus, they call themselves small-l libertarians out of embarrassment, though they're usually still as racist as the rest. (See: Rand, Paul).

    4. Hypocritical Idiot, Non-Savant Category — These are the types who go around prattling on about how The Market! will totes ensure businesses won't pollute and will treat their employees fairly, thus proving they know nothing about American history prior to the 1980s. These are also the same people who hate gov't … but only when a Democrat is in charge. They'll rail about out of control gov't spending and a loss of civil liberties … but not when a Republican is in charge. (See: The years 2001 through 2008).

    There are subspecies of each, and some are a mix, but these are the basic four types that I've dealt with through the years.

    And I'm sure a few Wonketteers have come across others …

    • James Michael Curley

      The Pretzelibertarian – Spends thirty years in a government position warning people not to trust the government.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I *really* like this one. Because I know an awful lot of people like this.

    • TribecaMike

      The Horny Fed Hater, not for any economic reasons but because they're bitterly jealous that Alan Greenspan knocked boots with Ayn Rand.

    • Nesnora

      I once went on a blind date with a libertarian man from Providence. In the first 20 minutes I learned that:

      1. Proud Libertarian (didn't even ask or gauge what my beliefs were at any point)
      2. Thought we should "just pave-over the Middle East"
      3. Favorite pastime: finding ways to spew oil from the "tricked-out" (sea? water?) engines that powered his waverunners/boats to make them go faster
      4. Said that everyone that goes to Brown University and/or RISD (I was attending both at the time) were liberal shitheads that he would personally like to burn. When I awkwardly noted my attendance to him he laughed and replied "Don't worry, you can make it up to me later." with a creepy wink.
      5. He thinks we should be able to eat cats because he hates cats and it would be a good way to "Piss off his neighbor" (I guess by stealing and murdering and eating his cats?)
      6. He randomly informed me that he had problems getting a hard-on but this shouldn't "be an issue, you can just get me off in a different way". Morbid curiosity wanted me to ask if it has something to do with dead cats and Reagen, but I left it at that.

      I just… left. I couldn't handle it all at once. I think I just said "I got to go." and just fucking walked out.

      Now all I see when I think of a libertarian is a coked-out, over-tan ken doll riding a leaking waverunner while laughing and swinging a dead cat by the tail, screaming "NO TAXES".

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You shoulda hooked him up with Baconzgood's blind date. It would have been a match made in heaven hell.

      • UnholyMoses

        Holy. Fucking. Shit.

        I guess the bright side is that mental image you now have of libertarians … which is awesome on several levels.

      • emmelemm

        Now THAT is a story.

      • TribecaMike

        I'd be curious to know how he would pave over the Middle East without spending untold amounts of tax dollars, but there's no question you did the right thing by skedaddling outta there.

  • prommie

    Like fucking the fat chick, is what you're saying?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Some folks are into that. Especially if by fat you mean morbidly obese and you can just "have fun" anywhere on her body.

  • HippieEsq

    so did Ted Nugent f^&k someone's face off, or not?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Somebody better check and make sure Nancy Pelosi is ok.

  • Beowoof

    Libertarians my ass. These two fucks probably went to public schools, and then to public universities and then sit around bitching about having to give anything back. I would have loved dealing out an asswhipping to those two clowns.

  • BarackMyWorld

    …offering to “fuck your face off"…

    I hope someone explained to him that most women prefer to be fucked in their vaginas, and offering that might increase his success rate.

    • Generation[redacted]

      And they prefer it not come off in the process. At least that's been my working assumption.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Since you get repeat dates, that's probly a safe assumption.

  • elburritodeluxe

    While Dick Cheney technically didn't invent fisting, he introduced important innovations making him an important figure in the history of fisting.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Most significantly, he ushered in legislative initiatives that paved the way for fisting on a national level.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Not "He fisted the nation with a mighty fist of reaming that left us bent over, bleeding, and unable to stop further assaults"?

  • cheetojeebus

    may I suggest a new appellation?
    Weedlord bonerhitler?
    As in "Those two fucking weedlord bonerhitlers were fucking assholes."
    meaning two drunk libertarians.

    • not that Radio

      WEEDLORD BONERHITLER LIBEL!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Thank you, ntR.

        And for the record, cheetojeebus, it was ntR that accorded me that appelation, I think.

        • not that Radio

          Credit where credit is due — it was some Anonymous Brave Genius Prankster Hero who spammed the Mitt Romney fax gimmick. All I did was giggle about it for 4 straight days.

          Oh! Look what I found!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Hey, that David Thorpe dude is totally full of it, man. He hadn't even HEARD of Weedlord Bonerhitler when I was christened!

        • cheetojeebus

          <bowing deeply> forgive me.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thank you for playing along! Someday after the election, I can assume my TRUE identity as Weedlord Bonerhitler. Awright, you guys. What kind of av would a Weedlord Bonerhitler have? A toothbrush mustache on a dick?

          • cheetojeebus

            may i suggest humbly, my liege : http://tinyurl.com/weedlordbonerhitler

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Dude, that is TOTES cool! Must haz!

            Maybe if I photoshop a Kitler on it?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey, MAN? I just decided to be Weedlord Bonerhitler, man!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Is facefucking like skullfucking only fleshier?

  • barto

    You had me at "Fuck your face off".

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Knowing Editrix, if you try that shit she'll have you, alright — sent straight to a jail cell.

      Unless you're stunningly good-looking, lefty, wealthy, with an incredible hot bod and XXX technique. In that case, you can send her email right here.

  • SenileAgitation

    In my dream President Lincoln and President Obama share a coloring book, and Obama gets miffed when Lincoln colors outside the lines. In another dream, I've had a lot to drink and am fucking someone's face though politically we disagree. It's great be awake in America!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Wow, your dreams are like way more fun than mine. In MY dream, I was opening coconuts by cracking them against my skull. (?)

  • TribecaMike

    I recommend hanging out at Dead Head bars. They only steal your face.

  • Billmatic

    What they were really getting at is that they are human and they need to be loved, just like everyone else does.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Well I can tell you that Sir Bob Geldof ate a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch yesterday…which means that there are no starving people in Africa.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Libertarians are people who think the trash you put in the can by the street magically disappears when the truck takes it away.

  • YouBetcha

    I'm pretty sure I dated him. He wasn't going to fuck anyone's face off with that thing, which was at least partially obscured by hairy gut.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Yeah, guys who say, "I'm gonna make you beg for my monster cock" usually produce a stubby nubbin and then cry while telling you about their life with Mom. Then they fall asleep, and you might as well just give up and spend the night with your toy drawer or that one boyfriend/girlfriend who's always good for a late-night booty call.

  • Ducksworthy

    I hope this means the Somolians will be well represented at the Republican National Convention. They would blend right if, if that is, they bring their AK's.

  • Grokenstein

    "…all of a sudden the conversation will mysteriously turn to the size of Al Gore’s house. Also, he flies on planes."

    This has always been my favorite because idiots think it constitutes flawless victory: If Al Gore doesn't live in a cave and wipe his ass with leaves, he's a hypocrite and no one should listen to him; if he does, he's crazy and no one should listen to him.

    Meanwhile, reality marches on.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Reality has a well-known liberal BIAS, man.

  • ThundercatHo

    See, this is why I suggested one of the meet-ups be somewhere decent in the winter and be held at a hotel where all of us could stay for the weekend and thus take over the hotel bar until last call. Then, we bribe some hotel employee to let us in the pool and/or adjorn to nearest Waffle House.

  • notanncoulter

    The "New Libertarian" = freedom to be a complete moron.
    Seriously – I know people that have considered themselves libertarians for decades, some of them are principled intelligent people that just want to be left alone, mostly – now they have to distance themselves from these mouth-breathing reactionary trolls.
    Sort of like Republicans I used to know ;0)

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Opportunisticly_Joe

    When another reeeeeeallly drunk dude at the bar comes over to the group of newspaper people with whom you have settled to finally get away from the Libertarians and then gets thrown out for dreamily offering to “fuck your face off,”

    Somebody should have read the Rules for Commenting Radicals, methinks.

    • HistoriBarb

      Ah – you think he saw the glass eye and decided to go straight for skullfucking?

  • ttommyunger

    "Fuck your face off?" This loser (genus can be found in bars at 1:30am anywhere in the world) obviously know as much about sex as he does politics.

  • extreme_left

    Remember the problem arguing with a mad man is that one can look mad.

  • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

    Damnit, I fucking knew Dee-Troit Motor City would have a better drinky thing than L.A. did, probably because Editrix can't really cut loose at home.

    Next time, Sat. night or GTFO!

  • Buckminster

    I really wish, as a part-Irish, mostly Norwegian chick from Butte, Montana, that I had been along on this booze-cruise to knock some heads together and slap some Libertarian idiots into the next cosmos. Let me know next time. We live for this.

  • Negropolis

    I don't see how anyone in Metro Detroit could be arguing the virtues of libertarianism and corporatism given the shape of Detroit proper. Detroit is the poster child for the effects of "trickle down" and out-sourcing and deregulation. I'm surprised these guys found you.