tampa is just 'armageddon' spelled in wingnuttish

Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Good thing there won't be a concealed handgun ban at the RNC.

As foretold in Revelation, Lord of Lunatics Rick Santorum has warned that he is fortifying his followers for some kind of world-ending battle to fend off the interloping Paultard hordes at the Republican National Convention in Florida, in August. It will be sweaty. “I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight,” said Santorum, a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.” Ron Paul’s supporters have indeed been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to the Emperor Mittens during his coronation. Rick Santorum is not having any of this. WAR.

From Capitol Column:

In his more [sic] high profile appearance since leaving the race for the Republican presidential nomination, former Pennsylvania U.S. Senator Rick Santorum said Sunday that he is prepared to battle Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the loudest voice at this year’s Republican presidential convention.

“I like the platform that we have right now. I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight. And I want to make sure that we have strong, principled conservatives there who stood with me in our primary fight to go there and counterbalance the effect of the Paul folks,” said Mr. Santorum on ABC’s This Week.

We can already picture it: Thousands of Paultards decked in their tinfoil hats will be running around screaming out articles of the Constitution over and over like magic spells while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles. [Capitol Column; thanks to Wonkette operative “imissopus”]

Comments

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  • Pragmatist2

    Win-Win

    • Terry

      The more fighting and drama at the convention, the better.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        The only thing that would be better would be if Zombie Mayor Daley staged a coup and became mayor of Tampa for the duration.

      • Nostrildamus

        Some of our guys should have a booth outside the convention door:

        "Down a 16-oz glass of Jim Beam, and win a free flame-thrower!!!"

    • Fairtackle

      I am really struggling with the concept that I am looking forward to a Republican National convention. It is kinda like looking forward to tucking into a velveeta, headcheese and carp liver sandwich, but there it is.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Carp liver? (faints)

      • emmelemm

        I haven't had lunch yet, damn you, and now I may never have lunch again.

    • miss_grundy

      I really, really, really, hope they ramp up the hatred on all groups of people they hate and that this hatred is picked up during the televised portion of the convention so that the morons watching at home can see what kind of poop-heads are Republicans. That would be awesome!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "he is prepared to battle Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the loudest voice at this year’s Republican presidential convention."

    Forecasts predict it will be moderately to heavily shouty. Concealed carry for the win!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I so want to see the battle between Santorum and the Paultards. One side will use smear tactics and dirt and then there's the Paultards.

    • WunkRocker

      He smeared me with Santorum. I could not stand my ground due to the slippery foulness. Had to shot everyone. Luv u Jesus.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        They'll be carrying, despite the City of Tampa BEGGING Rick Scott to intervene.

        Why does Rick Scott hate the Republican Party?

    • WhatTheHeck

      and one side will use the power of the weed

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        o/~ Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to…whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! o/~

  • WunkRocker

    Heaven forfend anything not be already 100% decided at a convention to decide your party's candidate for the highest office.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ron Paul's delegates will have a new war-cry for the convention: "We will fuck your face off!"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      TIMES UP!

    • Guppy

      While Santorum's crowd frowns on any fucking that has no realistic chance of resulting in pregnancy.

    • prommie

      Does that mean we should call them "fuckfaces?"

  • hagajim

    I imagine the tinfoil hats might deflect some of the froth being hurled though.

  • fartknocker

    I asked Orville Redenbacher to send me a case of popcorn because this GOP convention will be truly entertaining.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You might want to upgrade that to an entire pallet, fart. With all those concealed-carry 2nd-Amendment types hovering around, it might take a few weeks of forkliftin' to get all the bodies out.

      • redarmybarbie

        I can't deny, the schadenfreude would be overwhelmingly delicious…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm-a just get one of those bags of pre-popped that they sell in the cotton-bale size. Won't have to get up so often.

  • WunkRocker

    STAND. YOUR. GROUND. Yeehaw. I heard on the slow night they are having a pack of bath-salted causeway cannibals run through the Paultards. Bang. Pow. Bam. Pa-Changgggg!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's gonna be WILD!

      • WunkRocker

        Every bathroom from Dade City to Fort Myers will need the stalls widened for Wide Stance-yness.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          No way, man, if you're trying to hide from bath-salted causeway cannibals, you do not want wide spaces for them to wriggle into.

  • Local_Mojo

    "Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand!" (2 Kings 4:29).

    Why do they call it a Republican "party"?

    • WunkRocker

      Because "A whole lot of buttsexxxy man lovin'" is just too many syllables for their base.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Um … OK. Hand me that staff.

    • WhatTheHeck

      because thy rod and thy staff will be a comfort to many

  • OneDollarJuana

    Ha! "Principled conservatives"! It is to laugh.

  • Tommmcattt

    Rick, you do know you've gone back to being a tired internet meme, right? Now that they aren't hating on Mittens there's no use for you.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Is this like when the big orcs and the little orcs all killed each other in that one really long movie?

    • MosesInvests

      Republican convention at the Tower of Cirith Ungol!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Sounds to be right down their alley.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      The Battle of Helm's FReep?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Starring Sarah Palin as "cave troll"

      • PhilippePetain

        Nice!

      • WunkRocker

        Hemp's Freep!

    • Tundra Grifter

      How about "Worse health insurance than the Orc Army dental plan?"

  • Schmannnity

    Paul's delegates probably want some radical reforms like making contraception legal and equal rights for women. Oh, and separation of church and state.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Anyone will be allowed to sell anything and call it contraception. The market will sort out the fraud.

      Women will have equal rights because it makes good business sense, and government should keep the hell out of it in the meanwhile.

      Right, Ron?

      • Dr. Nick Riviera

        Sure! I mean in the south segregation persisted for 100 years after the civil war with no evidence it was going to change but they probably would have gotten around to it eventually.

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          Hi, Dr. Nick!

    • 12X34X

      Grandpa Paul sure doesn't want any equality for women. Too librul.

  • coolhandnuke

    A platform is a strong place to Stand Your Ground.
    I hope it gets really messy/beautiful.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Who's in your wallet?"

  • i_AM_ready

    Romney is not big on showing leadership. He's more about acting entitled. But Santorum and RonPaul aren't pool boys or car elevator operators he can fire. Hey, this could be fun. Crazy 1 fights Crazy 2 while Romney looks the other way and wishes they would go away, and the country wonders, "Who ARE these people?"

  • metamarcisf

    R.I.P Sam Drucker

  • elviouslyqueer

    Thousands of Paultards decked in their tinfoil hats will be running around screaming out articles of the Constitution over and over like magic spells while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles.

    Oh, this needs to happen PRONTO, except with enough guns to make the OK Corral look like a quilting bee. Oh, and plenty of Super Soakers filled with H2SO4, for good measure.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Charlie was a chemist
      But Charlie is no more
      What Charlie thought was H20
      Was H2S04

  • word_34

    while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles and balls of santorum.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Furries vs. Sweater Vests. Good taste is the greatest victim of all.

  • mavenmaven

    It sounds like they are girding for an epic sh!#fight.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, the Paultrads ain't nothin' if they're not poo-flingers, so wear a splatter suit and stand well back.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Santorum pretty much has a lock on the unborn delegates.

    • Antispandex

      How did that happen? I don't remember deleting anything…Is that you Congressman Paul? I was really trying to defend you…well take a shot at Rick, really, but hey…

  • UnholyMoses

    Two things:

    1. Why the hell did the writer of the original piece write "former Pennsylvania U.S. Senator"? Is there another Pennsylvania somewhere in, say, Guatemala that people might confuse with the one here in the U.S.ofA.? Remember, kids: Use AP Style with discretion, not blind loyalty.

    2. Whilst thinking about how this will end up, this video keeps running through my mind

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Isn't there a Pennsylvania in Rumania? Where that Dracula guy came from?

      • MosesInvests

        "Pardon me boy, is that the Transylvania Station?"
        "Ja, ja, Transylvania!"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Pardon me boy,
          Is that the cat that chewed yer new shoes?

      • UnholyMoses

        Well, Ricky does suck, so …

        And given the American educational system, maybe it is necessary.

      • WunkRocker

        Could have been a State Senator from Penna. There is a difference between State and US Senators. But the thing you must remember is PA sucks.

        • UnholyMoses

          Then it should have been "former Senator from Pennsylvania etc.etc. etc."

          And, yes, I'm an writer/editor by trade (though much, much better at the former than the latter … as proven in this thread).

          • WunkRocker

            Yes, but you know PA sucks.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, now, if he just said "Former Pennsylvania Senator," he *could* mean a state senator.

    • emmelemm

      I have no idea what's going on in that video, but I was really hoping it was actually going to capture a lightening bolt (from the sky) hitting one of those people.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Whats funny is that Ron Paul isn't even leading them as far as I know. They're just running on this illusion of a principled Ron Paul whereas the real Ron Paul is hoping to get his son into the White House

    • Pragmatist2

      It's worse than that. They think Rand Paul is Ron Paul's son with Ayn Rand – when he is actually named after Sally Rand

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Yup. While they're sobbing gallons of tears about Rand's betrayal of his father, Daddy Ron is counting up the MorMoney Millions and angling for his son's appointment.

    • Negropolis

      He's not leading them, but he did endorse the idea of causing hell at the convention through the active poaching of delegates.

  • OneYieldRegular

    The only way this could get any uglier is if Sarah Palin shows up trying to be of service to her country.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Please. The only thing Sarah's serviced lately is Greta Van Susteren.

    • WunkRocker

      Sniping from a helicopter. Or on Fox News. Or both.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, if you think about it, they're both pretty much the same thing.

  • elburritodeluxe

    It will be like the Race War that Ron Paul promised us in his newsletters!

  • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

    But, what is Santorum going to do to address the Penguin Menace?

    • rickmaci

      I heard Santohorrible will be the leader of the pro-ice groups there.

  • Antispandex

    Oh, and BTW, if it's like this:

    "We can already picture it: Thousands of Paultards decked in their tinfoil hats will be running around screaming out articles of the Constitution over and over like magic spells while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles."

    I am so buying a bottle of Boodles, a little tonic, a lime or two, and watching that shit!

    • WunkRocker

      No, no too subtle. Methinks being an Agent Provocateur is the way, the light, the path to lolz.
      "Dude, that pedo lookin' dude in the sweater vest just called for k-9 units to search for weed."
      &
      "You know, I heard the Paultards were instrumental in google bombing your name and the buttsex/lube/poop thing. They ARE on the internet a lot. "
      &
      "I think he's got a gun."

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Speaking to reporters Friday at a conference, Mr. Santorum said his supporters are ready for “a fight”

    Oh, c'mon guys. If you treat a psychopath like Santorum with empathy you just create a more functional psycopath.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't know if Santorum is stupid or ignorant, but those Praultads are not too securely fastened in the penthouse areas. If they decide to respond, there WILL be a shooting match at the convention.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I predict many broken fingers and dislocated artificial hips.

    • emmelemm

      Overturned Hoverrounds?

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Eventually the Republican Convention will just be held in an auction house. "What bid for one presidential nomination?"

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Or a trading pit:

      I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer in the sweater vest!

    • Guppy

      "Sorry, Mr. Gingrich, we don't take credit."

      • WunkRocker

        or Whore Diamonds.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's so nice to see that these two different sects of pure insanity, having found themselves in the same party, are reaching for some common ground — namely that the other group is a bunch of witless fanatical traitors and should be permanently exiled.

  • UnholyMoses

    Ricky could have offered his folks a pair of camels for every dead Paultard.

    I'm not saying he should have, 'cause that'd be wishing for someone's death.

    Just could have.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Alright, GOP, show up in Tampa in your PLATFORM SHOES!

    • WunkRocker

      The BDSM trade will be where the money is. All those real money GOPers wanting "Sissy Slut Training." Which means, "getting f-ed up the a– with a strap-on."

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        It's called "pegging" these days. Giving a whole new, um, depth of meaning to "taking it like a man."

  • elburritodeluxe

    Nice try, Santorum supporters, but years of D&D, RPGs and cosplay have prepared Paultards for this, the final battle!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      QAPLA'!

    • MosesInvests

      Ya harri hoy!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      The Santorum supporters won't be able to get out of their hoverrounds before being swarmed, en masse, by screaming Paultrads with sticky orange fingers.

      • WunkRocker

        YAHTZEE!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Many lawns were trod in the Great Battle of '12…

  • WunkRocker

    Annie Sprinkle lightly with some Snowbilly Grifter Cuntmentary.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Miniture Bibles sting. Or maybe it's just me…they burn.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Um … can you see your reflection in a mirror, sweetie?

  • OldWhiteLies

    Epic battle it won't be. More BatShitWingNutz' misplaced gravitas.

    I picture sweater vests & hoverounds vs tin-foyleez (& hoverounds?). Five minutes from the bell and they'll all be sweating and panting from overexertion, mopping their pasty foreheads. It'll be a damn funny five minutes though.

  • Baconzgood

    "he is prepared to battle Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the loudest voice at this year’s Republican presidential convention." Notice how he didn't say the most reasoned platform.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Ya gotta go wit' wut you got.

      Reason, he ain't got.

  • UnholyMoses

    Santorum will never go away — just keep oozing into places you never expect or want.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Wait for it……….How does this affect Sarah Palin?

    • Baconzgood

      *clearing throat noise*

      loudest voice at this year’s Republican

    • Guppy

      Anything that isn't about Sarah Palin automatically affects her, by giving her a sad.

  • poorgradstudent

    Damn, it's like if the Republic of Molossia got into a war with Andorra.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I will be taking bets on how many delegates get their faces eaten off before the end of this convention.

    EDIT: Hopefully all of them.

    • UnholyMoses

      I will be taking bets on how many delegates get their faces eaten fucked off before the end of this convention.

      Fixed for greatest Wonketteness!!

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      How about we go to Tampa and get a vendor's booth in the convention center to sell Skittles and Arizona Iced Tea? What could go wrong?

      • emmelemm

        Who cares, we'd make a million!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Don't forget to stock bath salts for the lulz.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Ron Paul’s supporters have been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to Emperor Mittens during his coronation.

    When you play the Game of Thrones, you win, or you go Galt.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    So the theme of this year's GOPer convention is "Life of Brian"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Shoe or gourd?

  • niblick77

    It would be nice if someone donated some laser swords to put in the GOP Convention gift bags. Just saying! I would not like to see an unfair fight breakout.

    • widestanceromance

      How about broken bottle tops and metal chairs?

    • Guppy

      They'll all already be packing (as Jesus intended), so all you need to do is include a few extra magazines in the swag bags.

      You'd probably be better off with larger calibers, as nothing compensates for a lack of marksmanship (and a small penis) like an oversized gun.

  • GortRay

    Google Santorum forever! Google Santorum lives! Free Google Santorum!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    We're gonna need a bigger convention center.

  • Ryy

    Dear god! Bible thumping war monger tards vs constitution freedom tards, in a stadium, in Florida!!! I just hope it doesn't go pay-per-view, I'm short on scratch.

  • Baconzgood

    How ya like them carry laws now GOP?

    • Nostrildamus

      Florida GOP and caries are a natural pair.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      The City of Tampa has been weeping into its collective handkerchief since its Governor gave it the news. It's gonna be the OK Corral, man, and I'm only half kidding.

  • Baconzgood

    Their is going to be more childish screaming than a Spice Girls concert opening for Justin Bieber.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Spice girls? It's so cute when you try to be timely.

  • Shypixel

    Is it un-American to hope for just one little bombing at a certain upcoming convention?

    • SoBeach

      Yes.

      It's okay to hope for angry, fat and/or old delegates throwing pathetic haymakers at each other on live television though.

      • Guppy

        That's all live TV is these days to begin with!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Shirts (sweater vests) vs. skins (tattooed with "RONPAULREVOLUTION2012!!!!").

    • Guppy

      The tattoos have the "2008" bit scratched out.

  • SoBeach

    Let's not forget the convention takes place near the peak of the Atlantic hurricane season. And Tampa's due for a hit.

    Rabid small government teatards trapped in a convention center with no water crying out for federal help like socialist superdome blah people, anyone?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I like the way you think.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I am so praying for Tampa to get reformatted by a category 5 hurricane on the second day of the convention.

  • widestanceromance

    The ultimate showdown between old crackler and butt spackler!

  • emmelemm

    It took me a while to figure out ECT, but, um, yeah.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Is there any way we can arrange to spike the water supply at the convention hall with those newfangled "bath salts" that have all the kids turning into cannibals? Then we can just turn off the air conditioning, turn on the strobe lights, chain the doors and let nature take its course.

  • GortRay

    There is nothing more bizarre or grotesque than a Republic(sic, in accordance with usage rule that "Democrat" Party is correct) Party convention. The wheezing, drooling epsilons in their flag-emblazoned sweater vests and straw hats are just too fucking weird for words. And this one should be a doozy!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I hope The Boss comes back through Tampa post-convention to exorcise the demons from the Ice Palace.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Paultards on one end, Frothies on the other. Snowbilly grifter in the middle. It''ll be just a Sergio leone movie.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Blondiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      A Fistfull of Santorum

  • prommie

    Looks like I got me a super-bad case of the Mondays, cause I aint laughing at nothing.

  • LibertyLover

    Will Rick be fighting this war in his sleeveless sweater vests? That would be teh awesome!

  • RedneckMuslin

    What else would he be good for?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (thinks)

      I'll have to get back to you on that one.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I'll bet there's Paulistas trashing Santorum all over the intertoobs this very moment, but I'm too lazy to go find links.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I hate reruns. I already saw this convention with the Democrats in 1968.

  • owhatever

    Paultards respond by hiring the imp and the mother of dragons from Games of Thrones to lead their platform fight.

  • jerichothedrifter

    Please, please, please let this happen.

    I'll pop the popcorn and bring some cold beers.

  • Steverino247

    It takes a long time to say anything in Old Wingnuttish.

  • Warpde

    Only Rick Santorum would still be worried by Paul.
    But I guess when your hearing voices on a regular basis and not changing up the med's your'e going to see more then Ozzy on a bad trip.

  • SorosBot

    Late to the party, but I just want to say that "a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.”" is awesome.

  • ttommyunger

    I smell a bitch-slapping.

  • viennawoods13

    Heavens, for a moment that read "interlubes" to me

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Whadda ya know, that tips email really works. I thought for sure this was clickie bait that would attract Paulbots in droves, though. Maybe they are all recovering from some epic LARP convention this weekend.

  • extreme_left

    I look forward to this epic battle between various sub-species of retards, please make sure operatives are on hand to film this glorious clash of stupid.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Will concealed hand guns really be an issue at the convention? I see the handguns being out, in sight, with the safeties off.

  • aklibtard

    We just had our own paul-tard revolt up here. The GOP held their second convention (in a tax-exempt megachurch of course), because said paul-tards stormed the first convention and cut the head off the party chair. Well, time does not tick by fast enough for them, so they wanted a second convention so they could storm the gates again to change the party rules so that their new chair is seated immediately instead of waiting. This is where the good part comes in. The sitting chair started publically telling all other delegates not to come to the convention so that the paul-tards wouldn't have a quorum. It worked. So all the paul-tards (some of whom had spent $1000+ to come in from rural AK) gnashed their teeth and screamed about how their liberty was being trampled because they couldn't steal Mittens' delegates. The end.