tampa is just 'armageddon' spelled in wingnuttish

Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards

Good thing there won't be a concealed handgun ban at the RNC.

As foretold in Revelation, Lord of Lunatics Rick Santorum has warned that he is fortifying his followers for some kind of world-ending battle to fend off the interloping Paultard hordes at the Republican National Convention in Florida, in August. It will be sweaty. “I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight,” said Santorum, a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.” Ron Paul’s supporters have indeed been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to the Emperor Mittens during his coronation. Rick Santorum is not having any of this. WAR.

From Capitol Column:

In his more [sic] high profile appearance since leaving the race for the Republican presidential nomination, former Pennsylvania U.S. Senator Rick Santorum said Sunday that he is prepared to battle Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the loudest voice at this year’s Republican presidential convention.

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“I like the platform that we have right now. I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight. And I want to make sure that we have strong, principled conservatives there who stood with me in our primary fight to go there and counterbalance the effect of the Paul folks,” said Mr. Santorum on ABC’s This Week.

We can already picture it: Thousands of Paultards decked in their tinfoil hats will be running around screaming out articles of the Constitution over and over like magic spells while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles. [Capitol Column; thanks to Wonkette operative "imissopus"]

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164 comments

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        The only thing that would be better would be if Zombie Mayor Daley staged a coup and became mayor of Tampa for the duration.

      2. Nostrildamus

        Some of our guys should have a booth outside the convention door:

        "Down a 16-oz glass of Jim Beam, and win a free flame-thrower!!!"

    1. Fairtackle

      I am really struggling with the concept that I am looking forward to a Republican National convention. It is kinda like looking forward to tucking into a velveeta, headcheese and carp liver sandwich, but there it is.

    2. miss_grundy

      I really, really, really, hope they ramp up the hatred on all groups of people they hate and that this hatred is picked up during the televised portion of the convention so that the morons watching at home can see what kind of poop-heads are Republicans. That would be awesome!

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "he is prepared to battle Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the loudest voice at this year’s Republican presidential convention."

    Forecasts predict it will be moderately to heavily shouty. Concealed carry for the win!

  2. actor212

    I so want to see the battle between Santorum and the Paultards. One side will use smear tactics and dirt and then there's the Paultards.

    1. WunkRocker

      He smeared me with Santorum. I could not stand my ground due to the slippery foulness. Had to shot everyone. Luv u Jesus.

      1. MittBorg

        They'll be carrying, despite the City of Tampa BEGGING Rick Scott to intervene.

        Why does Rick Scott hate the Republican Party?

  3. WunkRocker

    Heaven forfend anything not be already 100% decided at a convention to decide your party's candidate for the highest office.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Ron Paul's delegates will have a new war-cry for the convention: "We will fuck your face off!"

    1. Guppy

      While Santorum's crowd frowns on any fucking that has no realistic chance of resulting in pregnancy.

  5. fartknocker

    I asked Orville Redenbacher to send me a case of popcorn because this GOP convention will be truly entertaining.

    1. MittBorg

      You might want to upgrade that to an entire pallet, fart. With all those concealed-carry 2nd-Amendment types hovering around, it might take a few weeks of forkliftin' to get all the bodies out.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm-a just get one of those bags of pre-popped that they sell in the cotton-bale size. Won't have to get up so often.

  6. WunkRocker

    STAND. YOUR. GROUND. Yeehaw. I heard on the slow night they are having a pack of bath-salted causeway cannibals run through the Paultards. Bang. Pow. Bam. Pa-Changgggg!

      1. WunkRocker

        Every bathroom from Dade City to Fort Myers will need the stalls widened for Wide Stance-yness.

        1. MittBorg

          No way, man, if you're trying to hide from bath-salted causeway cannibals, you do not want wide spaces for them to wriggle into.

  7. Local_Mojo

    "Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand!" (2 Kings 4:29).

    Why do they call it a Republican "party"?

    1. WunkRocker

      Because "A whole lot of buttsexxxy man lovin'" is just too many syllables for their base.

  8. Tommmcattt

    Rick, you do know you've gone back to being a tired internet meme, right? Now that they aren't hating on Mittens there's no use for you.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Is this like when the big orcs and the little orcs all killed each other in that one really long movie?

  10. Schmannnity

    Paul's delegates probably want some radical reforms like making contraception legal and equal rights for women. Oh, and separation of church and state.

    1. Spurning Beer

      Anyone will be allowed to sell anything and call it contraception. The market will sort out the fraud.

      Women will have equal rights because it makes good business sense, and government should keep the hell out of it in the meanwhile.

      Right, Ron?

      1. Dr. Nick Riviera

        Sure! I mean in the south segregation persisted for 100 years after the civil war with no evidence it was going to change but they probably would have gotten around to it eventually.

  11. coolhandnuke

    A platform is a strong place to Stand Your Ground.
    I hope it gets really messy/beautiful.

  12. i_AM_ready

    Romney is not big on showing leadership. He's more about acting entitled. But Santorum and RonPaul aren't pool boys or car elevator operators he can fire. Hey, this could be fun. Crazy 1 fights Crazy 2 while Romney looks the other way and wishes they would go away, and the country wonders, "Who ARE these people?"

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Thousands of Paultards decked in their tinfoil hats will be running around screaming out articles of the Constitution over and over like magic spells while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles.

    Oh, this needs to happen PRONTO, except with enough guns to make the OK Corral look like a quilting bee. Oh, and plenty of Super Soakers filled with H2SO4, for good measure.

  14. word_34

    while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles and balls of santorum.

    1. Antispandex

      How did that happen? I don't remember deleting anything…Is that you Congressman Paul? I was really trying to defend you…well take a shot at Rick, really, but hey…

  15. UnholyMoses

    Two things:

    1. Why the hell did the writer of the original piece write "former Pennsylvania U.S. Senator"? Is there another Pennsylvania somewhere in, say, Guatemala that people might confuse with the one here in the U.S.ofA.? Remember, kids: Use AP Style with discretion, not blind loyalty.

    2. Whilst thinking about how this will end up, this video keeps running through my mind

      1. UnholyMoses

        Well, Ricky does suck, so …

        And given the American educational system, maybe it is necessary.

      2. WunkRocker

        Could have been a State Senator from Penna. There is a difference between State and US Senators. But the thing you must remember is PA sucks.

        1. UnholyMoses

          Then it should have been "former Senator from Pennsylvania etc.etc. etc."

          And, yes, I'm an writer/editor by trade (though much, much better at the former than the latter … as proven in this thread).

    1. emmelemm

      I have no idea what's going on in that video, but I was really hoping it was actually going to capture a lightening bolt (from the sky) hitting one of those people.

  16. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Whats funny is that Ron Paul isn't even leading them as far as I know. They're just running on this illusion of a principled Ron Paul whereas the real Ron Paul is hoping to get his son into the White House

    1. Pragmatist2

      It's worse than that. They think Rand Paul is Ron Paul's son with Ayn Rand – when he is actually named after Sally Rand

    2. MittBorg

      Yup. While they're sobbing gallons of tears about Rand's betrayal of his father, Daddy Ron is counting up the MorMoney Millions and angling for his son's appointment.

    3. Negropolis

      He's not leading them, but he did endorse the idea of causing hell at the convention through the active poaching of delegates.

  17. OneYieldRegular

    The only way this could get any uglier is if Sarah Palin shows up trying to be of service to her country.

  18. Antispandex

    Oh, and BTW, if it's like this:

    "We can already picture it: Thousands of Paultards decked in their tinfoil hats will be running around screaming out articles of the Constitution over and over like magic spells while the legions of Ol’ Frothy fans try to pelt their opponents to death with miniature Bibles."

    I am so buying a bottle of Boodles, a little tonic, a lime or two, and watching that shit!

    1. WunkRocker

      No, no too subtle. Methinks being an Agent Provocateur is the way, the light, the path to lolz.
      "Dude, that pedo lookin' dude in the sweater vest just called for k-9 units to search for weed."
      &
      "You know, I heard the Paultards were instrumental in google bombing your name and the buttsex/lube/poop thing. They ARE on the internet a lot. "
      &
      "I think he's got a gun."

  19. Joshua Norton

    Speaking to reporters Friday at a conference, Mr. Santorum said his supporters are ready for “a fight”

    Oh, c'mon guys. If you treat a psychopath like Santorum with empathy you just create a more functional psycopath.

    1. MittBorg

      I don't know if Santorum is stupid or ignorant, but those Praultads are not too securely fastened in the penthouse areas. If they decide to respond, there WILL be a shooting match at the convention.

  20. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Eventually the Republican Convention will just be held in an auction house. "What bid for one presidential nomination?"

  21. SayItWithWookies

    It's so nice to see that these two different sects of pure insanity, having found themselves in the same party, are reaching for some common ground — namely that the other group is a bunch of witless fanatical traitors and should be permanently exiled.

  22. UnholyMoses

    Ricky could have offered his folks a pair of camels for every dead Paultard.

    I'm not saying he should have, 'cause that'd be wishing for someone's death.

    Just could have.

    1. WunkRocker

      The BDSM trade will be where the money is. All those real money GOPers wanting "Sissy Slut Training." Which means, "getting f-ed up the a– with a strap-on."

  23. elburritodeluxe

    Nice try, Santorum supporters, but years of D&D, RPGs and cosplay have prepared Paultards for this, the final battle!

    1. MittBorg

      The Santorum supporters won't be able to get out of their hoverrounds before being swarmed, en masse, by screaming Paultrads with sticky orange fingers.

  24. OldWhiteLies

    Epic battle it won't be. More BatShitWingNutz' misplaced gravitas.

    I picture sweater vests & hoverounds vs tin-foyleez (& hoverounds?). Five minutes from the bell and they'll all be sweating and panting from overexertion, mopping their pasty foreheads. It'll be a damn funny five minutes though.

  25. Baconzgood

    "he is prepared to battle Texas Congressman Ron Paul for the loudest voice at this year’s Republican presidential convention." Notice how he didn't say the most reasoned platform.

  26. UnholyMoses

    Santorum will never go away — just keep oozing into places you never expect or want.

  27. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I will be taking bets on how many delegates get their faces eaten off before the end of this convention.

    EDIT: Hopefully all of them.

    1. UnholyMoses

      I will be taking bets on how many delegates get their faces eaten fucked off before the end of this convention.

      Fixed for greatest Wonketteness!!

  28. anniegetyerfun

    Ron Paul’s supporters have been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to Emperor Mittens during his coronation.

    When you play the Game of Thrones, you win, or you go Galt.

  29. niblick77

    It would be nice if someone donated some laser swords to put in the GOP Convention gift bags. Just saying! I would not like to see an unfair fight breakout.

    1. Guppy

      They'll all already be packing (as Jesus intended), so all you need to do is include a few extra magazines in the swag bags.

      You'd probably be better off with larger calibers, as nothing compensates for a lack of marksmanship (and a small penis) like an oversized gun.

  30. Ryy

    Dear god! Bible thumping war monger tards vs constitution freedom tards, in a stadium, in Florida!!! I just hope it doesn't go pay-per-view, I'm short on scratch.

    1. MittBorg

      The City of Tampa has been weeping into its collective handkerchief since its Governor gave it the news. It's gonna be the OK Corral, man, and I'm only half kidding.

  31. Baconzgood

    Their is going to be more childish screaming than a Spice Girls concert opening for Justin Bieber.

  32. Shypixel

    Is it un-American to hope for just one little bombing at a certain upcoming convention?

    1. SoBeach

      Yes.

      It's okay to hope for angry, fat and/or old delegates throwing pathetic haymakers at each other on live television though.

  33. SoBeach

    Let's not forget the convention takes place near the peak of the Atlantic hurricane season. And Tampa's due for a hit.

    Rabid small government teatards trapped in a convention center with no water crying out for federal help like socialist superdome blah people, anyone?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I am so praying for Tampa to get reformatted by a category 5 hurricane on the second day of the convention.

  34. ingloriousbytch

    Is there any way we can arrange to spike the water supply at the convention hall with those newfangled "bath salts" that have all the kids turning into cannibals? Then we can just turn off the air conditioning, turn on the strobe lights, chain the doors and let nature take its course.

  35. GortRay

    There is nothing more bizarre or grotesque than a Republic(sic, in accordance with usage rule that "Democrat" Party is correct) Party convention. The wheezing, drooling epsilons in their flag-emblazoned sweater vests and straw hats are just too fucking weird for words. And this one should be a doozy!

  36. Oblios_Cap

    I hope The Boss comes back through Tampa post-convention to exorcise the demons from the Ice Palace.

  37. pdiddycornchips

    Paultards on one end, Frothies on the other. Snowbilly grifter in the middle. It''ll be just a Sergio leone movie.

  38. prommie

    Looks like I got me a super-bad case of the Mondays, cause I aint laughing at nothing.

  39. LibertyLover

    Will Rick be fighting this war in his sleeveless sweater vests? That would be teh awesome!

  40. Blueb4sunrise

    I'll bet there's Paulistas trashing Santorum all over the intertoobs this very moment, but I'm too lazy to go find links.

  41. owhatever

    Paultards respond by hiring the imp and the mother of dragons from Games of Thrones to lead their platform fight.

  42. jerichothedrifter

    Please, please, please let this happen.

    I'll pop the popcorn and bring some cold beers.

  43. Warpde

    Only Rick Santorum would still be worried by Paul.
    But I guess when your hearing voices on a regular basis and not changing up the med's your'e going to see more then Ozzy on a bad trip.

  44. SorosBot

    Late to the party, but I just want to say that "a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.”" is awesome.

  45. imissopus

    Whadda ya know, that tips email really works. I thought for sure this was clickie bait that would attract Paulbots in droves, though. Maybe they are all recovering from some epic LARP convention this weekend.

  46. extreme_left

    I look forward to this epic battle between various sub-species of retards, please make sure operatives are on hand to film this glorious clash of stupid.

  47. NYNYNYjr

    Will concealed hand guns really be an issue at the convention? I see the handguns being out, in sight, with the safeties off.

  48. aklibtard

    We just had our own paul-tard revolt up here. The GOP held their second convention (in a tax-exempt megachurch of course), because said paul-tards stormed the first convention and cut the head off the party chair. Well, time does not tick by fast enough for them, so they wanted a second convention so they could storm the gates again to change the party rules so that their new chair is seated immediately instead of waiting. This is where the good part comes in. The sitting chair started publically telling all other delegates not to come to the convention so that the paul-tards wouldn't have a quorum. It worked. So all the paul-tards (some of whom had spent $1000+ to come in from rural AK) gnashed their teeth and screamed about how their liberty was being trampled because they couldn't steal Mittens' delegates. The end.

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