Let’s Speculate Wildly About The Sec’y Of Commerce’s Crazed Rear-Ending Spree (Update)

by Josh Fruhlinger

We recommend keeping three car lengths between yourself and this man at all timesWhen we say “Secretary of Commerce,” what’s the first thing that pops into your mind? For 95 percent of you, it’s probably “Secretary of what?” or “What of Commerce?” But the true hardcore politics nerds among you think “Ah ha, former Washington Governor Gary Locke! One of Obama’s two Asian-American cabinet picks!” And then you’re smug, for knowing this. EXCEPT that in fact Gary Locke hasn’t been Commerce Secretary for over a year (he replaced failed moderate Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, probably a much more important job, commerce-wise)! No, the current guy is “John Bryson,” who you might vaguely remember as outraging environmentalist types by being a ex-utility exec, but also outraging James Inhofe because he doesn’t want to poison the atmosphere to the extent that we all need to move into tunnel-cities and evolve into underground mole people. Anyhoo, for the next 72 hours or so you will hear “Secretary of Commerce” and think, “Oh, that guy who couldn’t stop ramming cars with his Lexus in a vaguely dodgy part of Los Angeles County yesterday, what’s his deal?”

UPDATED BELOW!

Here is a true story about your Comics Curmudgeon: Once when he was 22 he was driving his then-girlfriend’s car and almost rear-ended another car at a stoplight and then thought “Whew, that was close, just like all the other times I almost have accidents when I drive” and then like 10 minutes later misjudged a left turn and ran into another car at an intersection, at which point he said, “Yeah, I’m thinking this driving thing isn’t for me,” and so now he takes the bus everywhere that his wife won’t drive him. Thus it was with a certain amount of sympathy that we read the following description from the morning drive-time traffic reporters of the New York Times:

Police officials said the first accident occurred when Mr. Bryson, who was driving a Lexus, allegedly rear-ended a Buick that had stopped for a passing train. Officials said that Mr. Bryson briefly spoke with the occupants of the Buick but then left the scene, hitting the car again.

According to the police, the driver of the Buick followed Mr. Bryson and called police officers, asking for assistance.

“Bryson then allegedly caused a collision involving a second car at about 5:10 p.m. while driving southbound on San Gabriel Boulevard at Hellman Avenue in the city of Rosemead, where he was found alone and unconscious behind the wheel of his vehicle,” the release from the police departments said.

Officials said that no one was seriously injured, although several people were treated for pain.

If you are not generously minded, your first reaction is no doubt “This guy sounds hella drunk” (that was certainly the first reaction from the fun conservatives at American Crossroads!) but then you read that the “authorities” said that “Neither drugs nor alcohol appeared to have played a role in the crash” and you feel bad but then you read that investigators are still like nah, nah, could totally still be drugs or alcohol, don’t listen to those other “authorities” and then you don’t know what to think. Then you read that the Commerce Department said that Bryson had a seizure and you feel even worse, but then wouldn’t the department flacks say that, hmm?

Perhaps more interesting is the question of what he was doing cruising around Rosemead, California, in his fly Lexus? Your Los Angeles-based Editrix assures us that Rosemead is “two-thirds Asian/one-third Latino and working class, definitely” and that “there are strip clubs in the area (not the IMMEDIATE area), big ones,” but also a vaguely nearby cancer hospital. So the possibilities are (a) touring America’s working-class communities one by one to see how his Secretarial powers might improve their Commerce, (b) visiting a loved one being treated for cancer, (c) seeking an anti-seizure poultice from a local abeula, or (d) titty bars. Speculate wildly in the comments, but just be prepared to feel really bad when you find out about his debilitating medical condition.

UPDATE! A reader reminds us that Southern California Edison’s headquarters are in Rosemead, and it is only very rarely filled with hookers and blow. So that would have been a very good reason for Bryson, its former head, to have been roaming the wilds of Rosemead. Carry on! [NYT/TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 125 comments }

Barb June 11, 2012 at 11:01 am

Hail seizure!

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 11:33 am

He forgot to use his EZ-Spazz

ManchuCandidate June 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

I say it was his new GF, Lindsey Lohan, who stole his car and cause the accidents because he didn't want everyone to know about his new "hollywood" GF. If everyone did then they'd figure out that Hollywood is in the tank for the Demoncraps and that it's all a big plot to turn US Americians into loudmouthed dummies who don't read. Also anal probing space aliens.

/Bitparted Conspiracy Theoryed/

Gratuitous World June 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

I offer 6 camel hairs for information leading to an explanation of this incident..

Dashboard Buddha June 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

100 more and you'll have a brush.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

I'll raise you the whole camel toe

veritass June 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

Obama's fault.

Chill_Bill June 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

Too bad Breitbart is not around to investigate this.

Wile E. Quixote June 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

Yeah, just think, if Andrew Breitbart wasn't sucking dick in Hell right now he could be investigating this. But there he is, deep in a fiery pit being fucked in the ass and mouth and other orifices carved into his body by demons with huge, serrated penises that ejaculate flaming acid. And if that's not enough imagine how Breitbart, who by now feels that he has suffered an eternity of painful torture, would feel if he knew that only three months has passed on Earth since he choked to death on his own noisome, seminiferous vomit.

Jimmyone June 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Wow. Wile E. The picture that popped into my head….whew. one can only hope.

emmelemm June 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I'm not sure that this follows our new kinder, gentler commenting rules, but I LIKE IT.

Wile E. Quixote June 11, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Well let's see. I didn't mention skull-fucking, or retards or wish that Breitbart was dead so, by a strict constructionist reading of the kindler, gentler commenting rules, I'm good to go.

emmelemm June 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"strict constructionist"

Oooh, I think I love you.

cbbruuno June 11, 2012 at 11:33 am

If you check his website they are already floating conspiracy theories about a coverup because they know for a fact no one would behave like that because of a seizure (even though every doctor in the world would tell you that is exactly how one might behave). Even a couple of Chappaquidick comments. Gotta love these folks.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

I like showing my love with a 12 gauge shotgun, myself.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

He's too busy appearing in French video games.

TribecaMike June 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Did the cops bother to look in the trunk?

prommie June 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

Just waiting for his man. $26 in his hand.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

He's never early, he's always late
First thing you learn is that you always gotta wait

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Well now if I were the president of this land, you know I'd declare total war on the pusher man.

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 11:49 am

Then Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way

prommie June 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I like boobsalot.

Steverino247 June 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

Inhofeluenza otherwise known as Inhofe Fever.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

At least he didn't fly his plane into a mountain

(see? No bigger political nerd round here than me, I tell you whut!)

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

ooh ooh ooh! Black guy, secretary of Commerce, Clinton, Balkans, conspiracy theory of some kind, am I getting warm?

Maman June 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

Seeing the dodgy part of L.A. might be enough to induce a seizure and running after the accident certainly sounds postictal to me

Dudleydidwrong June 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

When will the other cabinet secretaries get involved in the destruction of America? What else do they have to do?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

Well, Hillary did put a block of wood on her shoulder and dare Ahmadinejad to knock it off.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

abeula

BORING CORRECTION!

It's "abuela"

Goonemeritus June 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

I think he was just ramming cars that had faded Ralph Nader stickers sill affixed to their rusty bumpers.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

Corviars?

scvirginia June 11, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Ha! Here in SC I don't think I've ever even SEEN a RN bumper sticker, but I might be tempted to ram the car if the sticker was from 2000 election…

Dashboard Buddha June 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

Oh hell, I get this. I go through this every time I seize a bottle of scotch.

niblick77 June 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

Everyone from L.A. knows that the best poontang is in Rosemead…….

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

He had just watched "Ronin" and was driving under the influence of this under-appreciated film classic.

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Good thing he passed out because he was just about to drive under a bridge to close a big weapons deal.

GhostBuggy June 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

But he was getting paid to go in there.

chicken_thief June 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

What's the California law regarding "drive your own ground"?

edgydrifter June 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

Looks like he picked a bad week to not give up sniffing glue.

Pragmatist2 June 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

Whoa! Whoa!
The US Secretary of Commerce drives a Japanese car?
That's the real story here.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Probably built in a non-union plant in Darkest Alabama or somewhere like that.

Lascauxcaveman June 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Naw, Lexus is a high-end brand. They have to make sure they're put together correctly.

nounverb911 June 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

Another fine graduate of the Lindsey Lohan Driving Academy.

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

"Herbie Fully Loaded" was an infomercial.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

OK, so here's what happened: Bryson's lovely-but-haggard wife, Loretta (?, guessing here, run with it…) is in hospital for treatment of yet another tumour. Distraught and distracted by traffic, Bryson sees a possible shortcut but ends up in a dicey neighborhood where he runs into the back end of a carload of Messicans looking for a quick insurance rip off. One of the Messicans threatens him with a gun but then Danny Glover comes by in his tow-truck, saves Bryson and they drive happily and gayly off to the Grand Canyon.

Isyaignert June 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm

You're not just an actor, actor212 – you're a screenwriter too!

Mumbletypeg June 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

wife, Loretta (?, guessing here, run with it…)

How prescient of you! (see alt-text from a few threads since you posted this~

Mumbletypeg June 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

wife, Loretta (?, guessing here, run with it…)

How prescient of you! (see alt-text from a few threads since you posted this~

iburl June 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

"…doesn’t want to poison the atmosphere to the extent that we all need to move into tunnel-cities and evolve into underground mole people"

Cheney Libel!!

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

HANS MOLEMAN LIBEL!

mavenmaven June 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

More ironic feel good news about Merka, a West Virginia man who is hitchhiking across the country and writing a memoir called "The Kindness of America" was shot in a random, drive-by shooting in northeastern Montana, according to authorities.: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2012/06/11/us/ap-

HuddledMass June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Wow. Good one.

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

♫"Let the Eeeeaagle sooooaar" ♪

anniegetyerfun June 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm

They have drive-bys in fucking MONTANA now?

Lascauxcaveman June 11, 2012 at 12:29 pm

They probably thought the guy was an elk. Everyone in NE Montana is a hunter, but decent optometrists there are few and far between.

emmelemm June 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I was going to say, "That's hilarious!" but felt it might be inappropriate. However, my immediate reaction is: THAT'S HILARIOUS!

chicken_thief June 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

Don't Lexuses automatically have right of way over Hondas and piece of Detroit shit Buicks?

PubOption June 11, 2012 at 11:30 am

No, that's BMW's.

Lascauxcaveman June 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm

US auto industry fun fact: Over the last 20 years, Lexus has always been at or near the top of those JD Power quality and reliability surveys they do. Buick is one of the few that beats them sometimes.

eaglewon June 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm

the Lacrosse is nice

Come here a minute June 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

Obviously a major malfunction.

Texan_Bulldog June 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

Was there a dead hooker or live boy in the trunk?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:22 am

If it was a dead hooker, we'd know from all the gay penguins raping her.

Wile E. Quixote June 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

And James O'Keefe, because you know that's the only way he gets any.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:22 am

I thought that the only Republican in Obama's cabinet was the Secretary of Transportation.

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

Media: "That's the ticket. Now Obama will not win. This one, this is sure sign. Looks like another horrible week."

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 11, 2012 at 11:21 am

Beej. That's what happened to Billy Halleck in Thinner.

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2012 at 11:22 am

Well he couldn't've been trolling strip clubs — nobody leaves a strip club sober, and for an executive to leave one without a stripper either just doesn't wash. I'm betting he's a real utitlity geek and was checking out some sort of relay station in the area, and probably feeding off of its ambient energy.

emmelemm June 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

In some jurisdictions, strip clubs aren't allowed to serve liquor.

SoBeach June 11, 2012 at 11:23 am

Rosemead is “two-thirds Asian/one-third Latino…

He was hitting the local ethnic groceries. He needed tomatillos and fish sauce for this killer fusion recipe he wanted to try.

Or hookers and blow.

Blueb4sunrise June 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

HAH! WAke uP SHEEPLES!!!! While everyone thought that Bilderberg was meeting in wherever the fuck {East Coast somewhere?] the real meeting was there in Rosemead.

Runnymead = Rosemead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The name Runnymede may be derived from the Anglo-Saxon 'runieg' (regular meeting) and 'mede' (mead or meadow), describing a place in the meadows used to hold regular meetings"!!!!!!!!!!

from wiki thingy!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 11:36 am

Runnymede was where the Magna Carta was signed. Stands to reason that they would want to meet there again to start undoing it.

Thurman Munster IV June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

I'll have what he's sniffing

scvirginia June 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Rosemead was his sled!

SexySmurf June 11, 2012 at 11:27 am

I'm going with titty bars. Listening to "Cherry Pie" on a continuous loop for two hours would give anyone a seizure.

So I've heard.

Limeylizzie June 11, 2012 at 11:27 am

Hasn't everyone been "rear-ended" in Los Angeles at some point in their life?

Thurman Munster IV June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

Only in West Hollywood

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

LA is the place where you are most likely to see an accident happening any day – not just the results of an accident which occurred before you drove by, but the peculiarity of seeing an accident happen. The Miracle Mile was a great place to see an accident on any Friday night.

MadBrahms June 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Tundra Grifter June 11, 2012 at 11:27 am

"Rear-ending spree?"

He's a Republican?

mwittier June 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Well, Liz Taylor's taken. Guess he'll have to portray Debbie Reynolds on Lifetime.

Lascauxcaveman June 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

This is not the kind of rear-ending that we usually read about on the Wonkette.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

"This is not the rear-ending you are looking for."

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

Katy Perry's?

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

It is simply the Lexus driver seeing the positioning of the other car that is causing him to have this rear-ending reaction.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

We have a winner!

(Has Ms. Schoenkopf come through with that fat Associate-Editrix contract yet, btw?)

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

Combine this with the dead penguin fucking and it sounds a bit like my Friday night!

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!

GhostBuggy June 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

A quick check of Google Maps shows a psychic right near that intersection. Maybe he was trying to divine the future of Commerce in America, and his head was so full of terrible omens that he lost control of the car.

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

Considering the gracious restraint of the modern Repthuglicans, who has already cut an ad/fund raised off of this news?

Thurman Munster IV June 11, 2012 at 11:39 am

All of 'em, Katie

MosesInvests June 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Karl Rove.

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 11:52 am

*Clutches salts, searches for couch to faint in surprise*

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 11:34 am

I heard the tail end (ha!) of this story on the NPR news update this morning, and only heard the name "Bryson" a couple of times. I'm rather relieved to find that author Bill Bryson in not in any trouble.

Not_So_Much June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

Was he listening to a Saul Alinsky book on tape on his way to a Union Thug meeting?

spokeo979 June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

This seizure has the strangest symptoms I've ever heard of…

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

Government secretaries can afford Lexuses? Secretaries in the private sector don't make enough to buy a Lexus! Obviously federal workers are overpaid!

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:53 am

Lexi.

scvirginia June 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Lexi- con?

An_Outhouse June 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

I vote titty bars. He's a Dem after all. He doesn't homo rape children like Romney is rumored to do.

mercianomad June 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

(e) so wasted he didn't know where the hell he was, how he got there, or what he was doing.

Jus_Wonderin June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Well, hell, it's easy. It's Obama's fault, obviously.

anniegetyerfun June 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm

When is he going to apologize to Bristol for this outrage?

WIDTAP June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

It's the Robert Novak effect. You can only spend so much time thinking about the GOP deliberately screwing America and then your brain explodes.

What? too soon?

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Because if you're going to be sitting in that chair, getting your chemo treatment, you might as well get a lap dance while doing it, right?

What?

Pop_Socket June 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

As someone who has been sideswiped and nearly killed by a guy in a diabetic coma, I have no sympathy for people who should be under the influence of drugs when they drive.

Isyaignert June 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Damn Skippy! My born-again-religous nut job of a mother had a seizure that left her unconscious for 12 hours and covered with bruises. The docs all told her not to drive for six months since that was the law.

Her response, and I am not kidding, was that she just had to pray harder and she'd be fine. She kept driving and told everyone who wanted to help her to fuk off and die (not those exact words) because she has Jeezuz on her side. Oh, and the rest of us are going to burn in hell forever. Take that you heathen children!

At the end of the day, she didn't have another seizure, but she did manage to blow-up her family in the name of Jeezuz. What a legacy to leave. Thank gawd, I didn't get the crazy gene.

MadBrahms June 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Well, titty bars have been known to cause "seizures"

Edit: beaten, totally beaten on page one.

randcoolcatdaddy June 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

It's refreshing to hear about a "hit and run" involving someone in Washington that wasn't set up on Craiglist m4m.

anniegetyerfun June 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm

You know, as a Seattlite, the idea of tunnelo-cities and life as a mole-woman really doesn't sound that bad.

owhatever June 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It is not a crime to hit a Buick. In fact, it is the patriotic duty of every Bubba worth his Truck Nutz. But wasting your Lexus on a Buick is questionable.

Callyson June 11, 2012 at 12:06 pm

What, no one has said it yet?

Titty bar or GTFO.

TribecaMike June 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Or an NGO titty bar?

barto June 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Well clearly he was trying to get the hell out of Rosemead like most sane people, there were just all those damn cars in his way.

cbbruuno June 11, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Not to be a downer on the rather fun speculation but it turns out he was driving home from giving a commencement speech at his daughters nearby school.

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 1:01 pm

That's exactly what THEY want you to think.

TribecaMike June 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I get the same way after seeing The Blasters at the Ashgrove.

chascates June 11, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Questions! 1. Do these big strip clubs charge fees at the door? Cause that totally screwed up titty bars for me. I mean, I expect to pay more for drinks but to pay just to walk inside? Get real.
2. If you are at a railroad crossing where a train is passing by isn't it normal to slow down and then stop unless you really want to see what happens when you push the car ahead of you into the moving train?
3. What do you say to the police when they find you along and unconscious behind the wheel of your car because this guy must be some kind of genius. When it comes to talking to cops anyway.

ttommyunger June 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I've heard enough. Get the rope Jethro!

Wile E. Quixote June 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Maybe he was jacked up on Red Bull and coming down after a marathon GTA III session.

sullivanst June 11, 2012 at 2:58 pm

there are strip clubs in the area (not the IMMEDIATE area), big ones

Yes, I do find the big ones are the best places to see big ones.

Ryy June 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"Er Nai Cun"

Or basically "mistress town" is what the Chinese call that part of LA as it is full of second (or third, or…) wives that Chinese dudes send to buy a house and otherwise get their money out of china.

It's not shady, but it's dull.

Neoyorquino June 11, 2012 at 8:50 pm

"Crazed Rear-Ending Spree." I've been so corrupted by Wonkette, I thought it was another story about teh buttsecks.

Supremectjester June 12, 2012 at 11:27 am

The Mets have now signed him to play shortstop, so they will finally have someone who can execute the hit and run.

M. Bouffant June 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Gotta like boobsalot!

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