ON THE POLE  10:28 am June 11, 2012

Science: Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

gay penguinWe are sorry, but we now must apologize for every time we laughed at One Million Moms and the American Family Association and every mean old preacher and 14-year-old shock jock who has ever called for queers to get dumped into concentration camps. It turns out gay penguins love nothing more than to rape dead lady penguins, it is just a fact. Therefore also too, that P-E-N-I-S lady about whom we actually felt bad, because she was actually schizophrenic, was also one hundred percent correct about gays loving to sex the dead. (Probably not the rest though, because schizophrenia.) Yessir, we now have proof, in the form of 100-year-old explorers’ logs, about all the necrophiliac rape-rape penguins just love to do.

George Murray Levick’s notes from his breeding-season-long stay at the Pole was too hot for the 19th century. Now it’s at the Natural History Museum! Here is Douglas Russell, “curator of nest and eggs”:

“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

Liberal “science” though says not to blame the penguins for their obscene and deviant behavior.

“What is happening there is not in any way analogous to necrophilia in the human context,” Mr Russell said. “It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction.

“They are not distinguishing between live females who are awaiting congress in the colony, and dead penguins from the previous year which just happen to be in the same position.”

Because somehow apparently that makes it okay. [BBC]

 
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{ 107 comments }

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:30 am

If only we could train them to rape dead Lady GaGas…

Not that I, you know, wish ill on her, especially after her near-death experience this weekend

Steverino247 June 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

She was rear-ended by the Secretary of Commerce?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

And had a concussion, yes.

Infrogmation June 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

"Lady Gaga suffers concussion after getting hit in the head with a pole"…. A *SOUTH* Pole. (Dramatic music sting!)

Holy Glitter and Grease, Batman! This sounds like the work of… The Gay Penguin!

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:31 am

“It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction."

Who among us hasn't seen a dime store mannequin lying in the gutter, legs akimbo and hasn't gotten a boner?

And yes, I include teh ladees…

Come here a minute June 11, 2012 at 10:32 am

This is what happens when all of your possible sexual partners are literally frigid.

Barb June 11, 2012 at 10:32 am

I think they are just raping the dead lady penguin prostitutes so they won't have to pay them.

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 10:32 am

"It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex"

Herman Cain likey.

chicken_thief June 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

And this varied from everyday life in the early 1900's just how?…..

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:37 am

New video: a penguin humping a dead penguin while the blonde devil-girl shrieks "Any questions!?" and Sad Herman watches from the cliffs in the distance.

mavenmaven June 11, 2012 at 10:34 am

"It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction"
Isn't that how porn works?

el_donaldo June 11, 2012 at 10:34 am

Is anyone else thinking about the sex scene in Quest for Fire?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

Where that bitch Darryl Hannah swings out of the trees and onto her back?

Often.

Why do you ask?

chicken_thief June 11, 2012 at 11:04 am

RAE DAWN CHONG LIBELZ!!!

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Ah, shit. Wrong cave clan movie…

HempDogbane June 11, 2012 at 10:43 am

Yes!!!!

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

Not until you mentioned it. Now I have to go flagellate myself.

ManchuCandidate June 11, 2012 at 10:35 am

James O'Keef calls that Saturday Night.

Barb June 11, 2012 at 10:36 am

"Looks like you blew a seal." A dead seal!

eggsacklywright June 11, 2012 at 10:43 am

Naw, that was Heidi Klumpf.

PubOption June 11, 2012 at 11:15 am
HistoriBarb June 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

It's just ice cream! Except for that bit – oh dear…

tbogg June 11, 2012 at 10:36 am

This is about the Detroit Wonkette drinky thing, isn't it?

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 10:49 am

I will have you know that every one of the penguins we sexed that night was alive.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:51 am

Some of them were coughing up blood the next morning, however.

Or it might have been herring.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

Ah, so you were there! Have you all vowed not to speak of it, except in obliquities?

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Terrible, shocking things took place that evening. We are still coming to grips with it all.—

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Are we talking "Prince Of Tides"-shocking or "The Hangover Part 2"-shocking?

el_donaldo June 11, 2012 at 10:38 am

I think I might just rent a tux and catch a flight to Antarctica this weekend.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

Just get one of those novelty T-shirts that looks like a tux. Stupid penguins won't know the difference. With the money you save, you can upgrade your seat to 1st class.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

I wore one of those to my senior prom, NO ONE could tell!

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 10:39 am

Penguins are fast becoming my favorite creature. Ever. (I also love owls).

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

[Everyone Looks at Door].
….
Hmmm…. I guess Owls must be grading papers right now.

OldWhiteLies June 11, 2012 at 11:33 am

Yer not talking about me – right? There's some other plural Owl(s) out there in Wonketteerville?

Or did I just not get the joke?

Mebbe A & B ? (And I too love owls & penguins)

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Ah, sorry. I was referring to User_of_owls, who often appears at unexpected times after longish absences. I'll use OWL (uppercase) for OldWhiteLies.—

Chill_Bill June 11, 2012 at 10:39 am

You know who else is a gay penguin?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

Sister Mary Lesbian?

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 10:44 am

Not Brooks Orpik, but he is a Progressive Penguin.

HoytClagwell June 11, 2012 at 11:09 am

I'm not 100% sure, but the Carmen Miranda headgear makes me wonder about this penguin.

Shellwith2Ls June 11, 2012 at 12:43 pm

As a Flyers fan, I have to say Sidney Crosby.

metamarcisf June 11, 2012 at 10:40 am

And such behavior is also documented during lunch breaks at a GO-PAC Convention.

iburl June 11, 2012 at 10:41 am

What's black and white and red all over?

(nevermind.)

Barb June 11, 2012 at 10:51 am

What's black and white and dead all over? Penguin sexy time.

redarmybarbie June 12, 2012 at 5:24 am

you know, this seems to be a recurring theme in the Ornithological world…

HempDogbane June 11, 2012 at 10:41 am

"live females…dead penguin". Is this that "defining deviancy down" thing we were warned about?

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:41 am

It's pretty demoralizing when she just lays there.

chicken_thief June 11, 2012 at 11:06 am

If you ram them hard enough they're bound to flop around a little.

Chill_Bill June 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

This is why Chilly Willy never came out of the closet.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

I see what you did there. Is there something you'd like to tell us, o Chilled William?

Chill_Bill June 11, 2012 at 11:06 am

Why? Are you a lady pengiun?

(And for better or for worse, I'm straight).

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:39 am

Oh surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre, Chill Bill…or is it….Chilly Willy?!!?!?!?!?!?

*insert dramatic chipmunk video here*

Biff June 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

Just because she was dead doesn't mean it wasn't consensual!

What? It does mean it wasn't consensual?

'K. I'll stick to live penguins from now on…

rickmaci June 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

Is "penguin" our new euphemism for Republican congressman?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:43 am

Editrix, I do confess having a certain deviant admiration for the turns your mind takes.

Pragmatist2 June 11, 2012 at 10:44 am

Ah, so the solution to the widespread problem of human necrophilia is to be careful about how you position the bodies. This is an important social contribution from Wonkette.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:44 am

I stopped sexing the dead when I separated from the ex.

starfanglednut June 11, 2012 at 10:57 am

Ouch!

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2012 at 10:44 am

This is such biased coverage — I mean, Lynne Cheney's been fucking a dead guy for years and nobody seems to notice or care.

1stNewtontheMoon June 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

Lynne's dead on the inside too (when she's not writing western lesbian D- soft core pR0n).

GeneralLerong June 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I thought married people past middle age never fuck each other? Isn't that demographic group what the sex industry is mostly for?

Gratuitous World June 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

i'm pretty sure only the male penguins were interviewed for said logs.

AddHomonym June 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

Ha ha. "Logs."

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

At least there won't be any requirement for cuddling or idle post-coital conversation. Of course, downside is she won't pop up and get you a beer and make you a sammich.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

Unless you inject her with a zombie penguin virus or a jolt of electricity.

Steverino247 June 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

FRONKENSTEEN LIBEL!!!

johnnyzhivago June 11, 2012 at 10:46 am

"awaiting congress"???? Boener???

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

As long as it is within four hours of death and in Egypt.

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

In the Antarctic, who gets to sleep on the icy patch?

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 11:34 am

All of them, Katie.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

"an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour.”
Well that's just like, your opinion, man. And it's not gay if you're the pitcher.

DerrickWildcat June 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

This was not covered in, "Mr. Popper's Penguins."

TheMeatmaker June 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

No, but it was in the rave scene in Mr. Penguin's Poppers

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:26 am

Double-dammit!

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

Dammit!

IncenseDebate June 11, 2012 at 10:51 am

Live rent boy or dead penguin?

ElPinche June 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

Keeping fucking that dead lady penguin.

TheMeatmaker June 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

No human female would ever await Congress.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

You should have seen that gay penguin go when he got together with his buddy Chumley the Walrus.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

Chubby chaser?

Maman June 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

Why is it considered news to "discover" males will stick their dicks into anything?

SoBeach June 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

Post of the day.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

It's the ingenuity of the total program: transitions, performance, choreography, interpretation and technical score. The penguins' footwork sequence was outstanding.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 11:36 am

I don't believe penguins even have "dicks" per se…

starfanglednut June 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

Penguins are half black and half white. Penguins are gay necrophiliacs. Obama is half black and half white. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!!

iburl June 11, 2012 at 11:21 am

Why are you writing here for free? You could be paid to write features for Newsmax.

bikerlaureate June 12, 2012 at 3:12 am

They're Halfricans ?

chicken_thief June 11, 2012 at 10:59 am

Penguins die bent over grabbing their ankles?!

starfanglednut June 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

It's very stressful, what with their rotund stomachs and all.

RedneckMuslin June 11, 2012 at 11:00 am

These are no doubt Southern penguins, the conversation went sumpthin' like this.
"Hey! Look at that . Should we kill it or fuck it?"
"We better kill it…., first"

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 11:01 am

"Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins"

Like you've never done that?

1stNewtontheMoon June 11, 2012 at 11:02 am

In my defense, i just thought she was sleeping, i.e. presenting.

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 11:02 am

Dead Penguins fucking? I'm sure it's on a site that you have to pay $50 a month for.

Goonemeritus June 11, 2012 at 11:04 am

This wouldn’t be happening if we could just bring the good news about Jesus Christ to the penguin community. I would be willing to donate to a group so they could procure herring scented Bibles for distribution.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

Yawn, Stefon told us about that club months ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zafJhKaC0tY&fe

niblick77 June 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

“They are not distinguishing between live females who are awaiting congress in the colony, and dead penguins from the previous year which just happen to be in the same position.” – Repugs have the same problem.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

Mr. Popper's Penguins, indeed.

HistoriBarb June 11, 2012 at 11:27 am

This Levick guy was stuck out there for the whole mating season? Yeah – he was going to be obsessed with sex one way or the other.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

Geesh, Judgmental much? Who hasn't partaken in a gay necrophelia orgy from time to time?!

TribecaMike June 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm

But I thought Romney was looking for a boring running mate?

GeneralLerong June 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm

If penguins are like other birds, sex involves touching assholes for about a second, with the male flapping ludicrously to keep his balance on those slippery back feathers. Mallard gang bangs are particularly ridiculous.

And let us all contemplate for a moment the hilarious courting rituals birds have to put up with. They'd probably welcome something so simple as hanging out in a bar.

OK, time for "A penguin walks into a bar…" jokes.

imissopus June 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I'm so ashamed.

ttommyunger June 11, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins" This topic is written about like it's a bad thing.

sullivanst June 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

This is just a gateway to seal-on-penguin sex.

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

So shocking I can't even make an estimate of the shockingness of its shockiosity.

You'd be too shocked.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 11:59 am

Dishwasher-full-of-sex-toys shocking?

imissopus June 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Poor Pedro the dishwasher.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 1:10 pm

hahaha

Also, why are you looking in your underpants? The action's over there on the iceberg, where that chick's presenting!

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