Science: Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins

  on the pole

gay penguinWe are sorry, but we now must apologize for every time we laughed at One Million Moms and the American Family Association and every mean old preacher and 14-year-old shock jock who has ever called for queers to get dumped into concentration camps. It turns out gay penguins love nothing more than to rape dead lady penguins, it is just a fact. Therefore also too, that P-E-N-I-S lady about whom we actually felt bad, because she was actually schizophrenic, was also one hundred percent correct about gays loving to sex the dead. (Probably not the rest though, because schizophrenia.) Yessir, we now have proof, in the form of 100-year-old explorers’ logs, about all the necrophiliac rape-rape penguins just love to do.

George Murray Levick’s notes from his breeding-season-long stay at the Pole was too hot for the 19th century. Now it’s at the Natural History Museum! Here is Douglas Russell, “curator of nest and eggs”:

“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

Liberal “science” though says not to blame the penguins for their obscene and deviant behavior.

“What is happening there is not in any way analogous to necrophilia in the human context,” Mr Russell said. “It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction.

“They are not distinguishing between live females who are awaiting congress in the colony, and dead penguins from the previous year which just happen to be in the same position.”

Because somehow apparently that makes it okay. [BBC]

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107 comments

  1. actor212

    If only we could train them to rape dead Lady GaGas…

    Not that I, you know, wish ill on her, especially after her near-death experience this weekend

    1. Infrogmation

      "Lady Gaga suffers concussion after getting hit in the head with a pole"…. A *SOUTH* Pole. (Dramatic music sting!)

      Holy Glitter and Grease, Batman! This sounds like the work of… The Gay Penguin!

  2. actor212

    “It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction."

    Who among us hasn't seen a dime store mannequin lying in the gutter, legs akimbo and hasn't gotten a boner?

    And yes, I include teh ladees…

  3. Come here a minute

    This is what happens when all of your possible sexual partners are literally frigid.

  4. Barb

    I think they are just raping the dead lady penguin prostitutes so they won't have to pay them.

  5. Schmannnity

    "It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex"

    Herman Cain likey.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      New video: a penguin humping a dead penguin while the blonde devil-girl shrieks "Any questions!?" and Sad Herman watches from the cliffs in the distance.

  6. mavenmaven

    "It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction"
    Isn't that how porn works?

        1. Chichikovovich

          Terrible, shocking things took place that evening. We are still coming to grips with it all.—

          1. Chichikovovich

            So shocking I can't even make an estimate of the shockingness of its shockiosity.

            You'd be too shocked.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Just get one of those novelty T-shirts that looks like a tux. Stupid penguins won't know the difference. With the money you save, you can upgrade your seat to 1st class.

    1. Chichikovovich

      [Everyone Looks at Door].
      ….
      Hmmm…. I guess Owls must be grading papers right now.

      1. OldWhiteLies

        Yer not talking about me – right? There's some other plural Owl(s) out there in Wonketteerville?

        Or did I just not get the joke?

        Mebbe A & B ? (And I too love owls & penguins)

        1. Chichikovovich

          Ah, sorry. I was referring to User_of_owls, who often appears at unexpected times after longish absences. I'll use OWL (uppercase) for OldWhiteLies.—

  7. HempDogbane

    "live females…dead penguin". Is this that "defining deviancy down" thing we were warned about?

        1. actor212

          Oh surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre, Chill Bill…or is it….Chilly Willy?!!?!?!?!?!?

          *insert dramatic chipmunk video here*

  8. Biff

    Just because she was dead doesn't mean it wasn't consensual!

    What? It does mean it wasn't consensual?

    'K. I'll stick to live penguins from now on…

  9. Pragmatist2

    Ah, so the solution to the widespread problem of human necrophilia is to be careful about how you position the bodies. This is an important social contribution from Wonkette.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    This is such biased coverage — I mean, Lynne Cheney's been fucking a dead guy for years and nobody seems to notice or care.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      Lynne's dead on the inside too (when she's not writing western lesbian D- soft core pR0n).

    2. GeneralLerong

      I thought married people past middle age never fuck each other? Isn't that demographic group what the sex industry is mostly for?

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    At least there won't be any requirement for cuddling or idle post-coital conversation. Of course, downside is she won't pop up and get you a beer and make you a sammich.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    "an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour.”
    Well that's just like, your opinion, man. And it's not gay if you're the pitcher.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    You should have seen that gay penguin go when he got together with his buddy Chumley the Walrus.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      It's the ingenuity of the total program: transitions, performance, choreography, interpretation and technical score. The penguins' footwork sequence was outstanding.

  14. RedneckMuslin

    These are no doubt Southern penguins, the conversation went sumpthin' like this.
    "Hey! Look at that . Should we kill it or fuck it?"
    "We better kill it…., first"

  15. Goonemeritus

    This wouldn’t be happening if we could just bring the good news about Jesus Christ to the penguin community. I would be willing to donate to a group so they could procure herring scented Bibles for distribution.

  16. niblick77

    “They are not distinguishing between live females who are awaiting congress in the colony, and dead penguins from the previous year which just happen to be in the same position.” – Repugs have the same problem.

  17. HistoriBarb

    This Levick guy was stuck out there for the whole mating season? Yeah – he was going to be obsessed with sex one way or the other.

  18. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Geesh, Judgmental much? Who hasn't partaken in a gay necrophelia orgy from time to time?!

  19. GeneralLerong

    If penguins are like other birds, sex involves touching assholes for about a second, with the male flapping ludicrously to keep his balance on those slippery back feathers. Mallard gang bangs are particularly ridiculous.

    And let us all contemplate for a moment the hilarious courting rituals birds have to put up with. They'd probably welcome something so simple as hanging out in a bar.

    OK, time for "A penguin walks into a bar…" jokes.

  20. ttommyunger

    "Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins" This topic is written about like it's a bad thing.

Comments are closed.