on the pole

Science: Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins

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gay penguinWe are sorry, but we now must apologize for every time we laughed at One Million Moms and the American Family Association and every mean old preacher and 14-year-old shock jock who has ever called for queers to get dumped into concentration camps. It turns out gay penguins love nothing more than to rape dead lady penguins, it is just a fact. Therefore also too, that P-E-N-I-S lady about whom we actually felt bad, because she was actually schizophrenic, was also one hundred percent correct about gays loving to sex the dead. (Probably not the rest though, because schizophrenia.) Yessir, we now have proof, in the form of 100-year-old explorers’ logs, about all the necrophiliac rape-rape penguins just love to do.

George Murray Levick’s notes from his breeding-season-long stay at the Pole was too hot for the 19th century. Now it’s at the Natural History Museum! Here is Douglas Russell, “curator of nest and eggs”:

“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

Liberal “science” though says not to blame the penguins for their obscene and deviant behavior.

“What is happening there is not in any way analogous to necrophilia in the human context,” Mr Russell said. “It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction.

“They are not distinguishing between live females who are awaiting congress in the colony, and dead penguins from the previous year which just happen to be in the same position.”

Because somehow apparently that makes it okay. [BBC]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    If only we could train them to rape dead Lady GaGas…

    Not that I, you know, wish ill on her, especially after her near-death experience this weekend

    • Steverino247

      She was rear-ended by the Secretary of Commerce?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And had a concussion, yes.

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      "Lady Gaga suffers concussion after getting hit in the head with a pole"…. A *SOUTH* Pole. (Dramatic music sting!)

      Holy Glitter and Grease, Batman! This sounds like the work of… The Gay Penguin!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    “It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction."

    Who among us hasn't seen a dime store mannequin lying in the gutter, legs akimbo and hasn't gotten a boner?

    And yes, I include teh ladees…

  • Come here a minute

    This is what happens when all of your possible sexual partners are literally frigid.

  • Barb

    I think they are just raping the dead lady penguin prostitutes so they won't have to pay them.

  • Schmannnity

    "It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex"

    Herman Cain likey.

    • chicken_thief

      And this varied from everyday life in the early 1900's just how?…..

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      New video: a penguin humping a dead penguin while the blonde devil-girl shrieks "Any questions!?" and Sad Herman watches from the cliffs in the distance.

  • mavenmaven

    "It is the males seeing the positioning that is causing them to have a sexual reaction"
    Isn't that how porn works?

  • el_donaldo

    Is anyone else thinking about the sex scene in Quest for Fire?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Where that bitch Darryl Hannah swings out of the trees and onto her back?


      Why do you ask?

      • chicken_thief


        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Ah, shit. Wrong cave clan movie…

    • HempDogbane


    • James Michael Curley

      Not until you mentioned it. Now I have to go flagellate myself.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    James O'Keef calls that Saturday Night.

  • Barb

    "Looks like you blew a seal." A dead seal!

  • tbogg

    This is about the Detroit Wonkette drinky thing, isn't it?

    • Chichikovovich

      I will have you know that every one of the penguins we sexed that night was alive.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Some of them were coughing up blood the next morning, however.

        Or it might have been herring.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Ah, so you were there! Have you all vowed not to speak of it, except in obliquities?

        • Chichikovovich

          Terrible, shocking things took place that evening. We are still coming to grips with it all.—

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Are we talking "Prince Of Tides"-shocking or "The Hangover Part 2"-shocking?

          • Chichikovovich

            So shocking I can't even make an estimate of the shockingness of its shockiosity.

            You'd be too shocked.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Dishwasher-full-of-sex-toys shocking?

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            Poor Pedro the dishwasher.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid


            Also, why are you looking in your underpants? The action's over there on the iceberg, where that chick's presenting!

  • el_donaldo

    I think I might just rent a tux and catch a flight to Antarctica this weekend.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Just get one of those novelty T-shirts that looks like a tux. Stupid penguins won't know the difference. With the money you save, you can upgrade your seat to 1st class.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I wore one of those to my senior prom, NO ONE could tell!

  • freakishlywrong

    Penguins are fast becoming my favorite creature. Ever. (I also love owls).

    • Chichikovovich

      [Everyone Looks at Door].
      Hmmm…. I guess Owls must be grading papers right now.

      • OldWhiteLies

        Yer not talking about me – right? There's some other plural Owl(s) out there in Wonketteerville?

        Or did I just not get the joke?

        Mebbe A & B ? (And I too love owls & penguins)

        • Chichikovovich

          Ah, sorry. I was referring to User_of_owls, who often appears at unexpected times after longish absences. I'll use OWL (uppercase) for OldWhiteLies.—

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    You know who else is a gay penguin?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Sister Mary Lesbian?

    • Schmannnity

      Not Brooks Orpik, but he is a Progressive Penguin.

    • HoytClagwell

      I'm not 100% sure, but the Carmen Miranda headgear makes me wonder about this penguin.

    • Shellwith2Ls

      As a Flyers fan, I have to say Sidney Crosby.

  • metamarcisf

    And such behavior is also documented during lunch breaks at a GO-PAC Convention.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    What's black and white and red all over?


    • Barb

      What's black and white and dead all over? Penguin sexy time.

      • redarmybarbie

        you know, this seems to be a recurring theme in the Ornithological world…

  • HempDogbane

    "live females…dead penguin". Is this that "defining deviancy down" thing we were warned about?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's pretty demoralizing when she just lays there.

    • chicken_thief

      If you ram them hard enough they're bound to flop around a little.

  • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    This is why Chilly Willy never came out of the closet.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I see what you did there. Is there something you'd like to tell us, o Chilled William?

      • http://wonkette.com Chill_Bill

        Why? Are you a lady pengiun?

        (And for better or for worse, I'm straight).

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre, Chill Bill…or is it….Chilly Willy?!!?!?!?!?!?

          *insert dramatic chipmunk video here*

  • Biff

    Just because she was dead doesn't mean it wasn't consensual!

    What? It does mean it wasn't consensual?

    'K. I'll stick to live penguins from now on…

  • rickmaci

    Is "penguin" our new euphemism for Republican congressman?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Editrix, I do confess having a certain deviant admiration for the turns your mind takes.

  • Pragmatist2

    Ah, so the solution to the widespread problem of human necrophilia is to be careful about how you position the bodies. This is an important social contribution from Wonkette.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I stopped sexing the dead when I separated from the ex.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut


  • SayItWithWookies

    This is such biased coverage — I mean, Lynne Cheney's been fucking a dead guy for years and nobody seems to notice or care.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Lynne's dead on the inside too (when she's not writing western lesbian D- soft core pR0n).

    • GeneralLerong

      I thought married people past middle age never fuck each other? Isn't that demographic group what the sex industry is mostly for?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i'm pretty sure only the male penguins were interviewed for said logs.

    • AddHomonym

      Ha ha. "Logs."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    At least there won't be any requirement for cuddling or idle post-coital conversation. Of course, downside is she won't pop up and get you a beer and make you a sammich.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Unless you inject her with a zombie penguin virus or a jolt of electricity.

      • Steverino247


  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    "awaiting congress"???? Boener???

  • Schmannnity

    As long as it is within four hours of death and in Egypt.

  • Schmannnity

    In the Antarctic, who gets to sleep on the icy patch?

    • Guppy

      All of them, Katie.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour.”
    Well that's just like, your opinion, man. And it's not gay if you're the pitcher.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This was not covered in, "Mr. Popper's Penguins."

    • TheMeatmaker

      No, but it was in the rave scene in Mr. Penguin's Poppers

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid


    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid


  • IncenseDebate

    Live rent boy or dead penguin?

  • ElPinche

    Keeping fucking that dead lady penguin.

  • TheMeatmaker

    No human female would ever await Congress.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You should have seen that gay penguin go when he got together with his buddy Chumley the Walrus.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Chubby chaser?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Why is it considered news to "discover" males will stick their dicks into anything?

    • SoBeach

      Post of the day.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      It's the ingenuity of the total program: transitions, performance, choreography, interpretation and technical score. The penguins' footwork sequence was outstanding.

    • Guppy

      I don't believe penguins even have "dicks" per se…

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Penguins are half black and half white. Penguins are gay necrophiliacs. Obama is half black and half white. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!!

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Why are you writing here for free? You could be paid to write features for Newsmax.

    • bikerlaureate

      They're Halfricans ?

  • chicken_thief

    Penguins die bent over grabbing their ankles?!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      It's very stressful, what with their rotund stomachs and all.

  • RedneckMuslin

    These are no doubt Southern penguins, the conversation went sumpthin' like this.
    "Hey! Look at that . Should we kill it or fuck it?"
    "We better kill it…., first"

  • thatsitfortheother1

    "Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins"

    Like you've never done that?

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    In my defense, i just thought she was sleeping, i.e. presenting.

  • Baconzgood

    Dead Penguins fucking? I'm sure it's on a site that you have to pay $50 a month for.

  • Goonemeritus

    This wouldn’t be happening if we could just bring the good news about Jesus Christ to the penguin community. I would be willing to donate to a group so they could procure herring scented Bibles for distribution.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    “It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

    Yawn, Stefon told us about that club months ago.

  • niblick77

    “They are not distinguishing between live females who are awaiting congress in the colony, and dead penguins from the previous year which just happen to be in the same position.” – Repugs have the same problem.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Mr. Popper's Penguins, indeed.

  • HistoriBarb

    This Levick guy was stuck out there for the whole mating season? Yeah – he was going to be obsessed with sex one way or the other.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Geesh, Judgmental much? Who hasn't partaken in a gay necrophelia orgy from time to time?!

  • TribecaMike

    But I thought Romney was looking for a boring running mate?

  • GeneralLerong

    If penguins are like other birds, sex involves touching assholes for about a second, with the male flapping ludicrously to keep his balance on those slippery back feathers. Mallard gang bangs are particularly ridiculous.

    And let us all contemplate for a moment the hilarious courting rituals birds have to put up with. They'd probably welcome something so simple as hanging out in a bar.

    OK, time for "A penguin walks into a bar…" jokes.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I'm so ashamed.

  • ttommyunger

    "Gay Hooligan Penguins Rape Dead Lady Penguins" This topic is written about like it's a bad thing.

  • sullivanst

    This is just a gateway to seal-on-penguin sex.