ladies be drone-strikin'

Adorable Underdog Somali Militants Offer Two Camels For Info On ‘Lady Of Bill Clinton’

That's no lady, she's Bill's wife!Somalia — a scrappy, can-do failed state that is the platonic ideal for those who want to shrink government down to the size where they can drown it in the bathtub — is not taking it lying down that the US has offered $7 million for the location of this dude Ahmed Abdi Aw-Mohamed and $5 million for a bunch of other similarly Arab-named folks. Nope, the Somali militants have got a little counter-offer they would like to make, and that is 10 camels in exchange for President Barack Hussein Obama. But that’s not all! Call now, and they will throw in two camels for “the lady of Bill Clinton, the woman named Hillary Clinton,” obviously because they are male chauvinist pigs.

How is it that the lady of Bill Clinton is worth only one-fifth of a man? That is even less than America’s famous “black people are three-fifths of a person” compromise, which was found in our inerrant Constitution, handed down by Jesus to Joseph Smith at Mt. Zion, until people who hate God and the Constitution took it out, because they were liberal pussy effetes. How much less is one-fifth than three-fifths? It is one-third as much, or two-thirds less! (MATH.)

Hillary Clinton will now drone strike those motherfuckers, for feminism, because she had a hot flash. [CNN]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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150 comments

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Duh Gov'Nuh has a nice rack.

        If I recall a previous Wonkette blog, she had some work done a while ago.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      There are no requests for alcoholic beverages or happy hour tips, so obviously they're wandering in a desert somewhere…

    2. glamourdammerung

      Are we sure that the Somali militants aren't contributing editors of Wonkette?

      You are mixing up this site with "Reason".

  1. freakishlywrong

    Ten camels? Has Grover Norquist accepted this offer yet? Or better still, moved there?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        He should go — it's got his two favorite things — ugly beards and fanaticism.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "How much less is one-fifth than three-fifths? It is one-third as much, or two-thirds less! (MATH.)"

    Rebecca, did you used to work at the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory out there in Pasadena?

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      OT. Back in 1999 I went to a party in Altadena thrown by an engineer acquiantance at JPL. The note on the door said "Take off your shoes" and "Don't puke on anything white.". We stood in a circle (around a Tesla Coil? maybe a Jacob's Ladder) and held hands, lighting up a flourescent tube. There was recreational arc welding in the garage. Three women, with probably five PHDs between them, were painting with food on the kitchen floor. good times.

  3. chascates

    Don't fall for this trick! Camels are more obstinate than mules and have a tendency to spit.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      … And you know who else is more more obstinate than a mule and has a tendency to spit…?

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    "Nope, the Somali militants have got a little counter-offer they would like to make, and that is 10 camels in exchange for President Barack Hussein Obama."

    I think that they're a bit pissed that their deep-cover mole has apparently "gone rogue" on them.

    "Why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire, Barry?"

  5. didgen

    I happen to have 2 count them, 2 cats with fleas. One of them weighs 26 lbs, I'd be willing to work a deal to use them to fund a raid on Scott Walker's defense fund. I will of course need the cats back, but you can keep the fleas.

  6. Baconzgood

    Every time I hear a story about camels I think of this. I learned this story from a journalist friend of mine.

    National Geo doesn't pay it's photographers until after the work is done. So in essence the photographers pay out of pocket to do the stories. There was one photographer that was doing a story on bedouin. He had to buy a camel. When the story was don't he filled out his expense report and National Geo rejected the expense saying that he could have "Rented" the camel (as a transportation cost) but since he bought it and then sold it it was his property and there fore his loss (he sold it for less than he bought it for and wanted National Geo to reimburse him for the difference) fell upon him. He explained that you can't "Rent" a camel, but National Geo was not listening to his pleas.

    He submitted another expense report for the exact amount with out the camel listed on the expense report with a post-it note that said "FIND THE CAMEL".

    P.S.
    He got all his money.

    1. chascates

      I've heard that form used to include the line 'Gifts to natives'. I wished my 1040 had that.

        1. Baconzgood

          I asked a neighbor that shot for the N.G. a few times and she said she didn't know if the story was urban legand or true. She wanted it to be true. If it is true the man is a god of expense reports in my book. I've been know to get quite creative with mine.

  7. subsum

    "How is it that the lady of Bill Clinton is worth only one-fifth of a man? That is even less than America’s famous 'black people are three-fifths of a person' compromise, which was found in our inerrant Constitution, handed down by Jesus to Joseph Smith at Mt. Zion, until people who hate God and the Constitution took it out, because they were liberal pussy effetes."

    It's "blah" people. You should know by now.

  8. Studebaker Hawk

    Couldn't they come up with a less stereotypical, un-PC offer? Is Ray Stevens writing their material now?

    1. eggsacklywright

      The bactrian has one hump,
      The dromedary two.
      Or is it the other way around,
      I'm never sure, are you?

      Listening to Ogden Gnash.

  9. SoBeach

    Sure it sounds like a straight up trade, but once they get you on the used camel-lot they start hard-selling the extended warranty, rust-proofing, and other crap.

    1. SoBeach

      He says "Photo 'chopping' is an art form. It's what I do."

      Fair enough.

      That makes counterfeiting an art form as well. There are people sitting in federal prison who should instead be given NEA grants.

    2. chascates

      'Get Your War On''s clip-art style is art, this was high school graphics project #1.

    3. not that Radio

      "I thought Andrew Breitbart was a warrior for the truth"

      "50% of the proceeds were to go to the Breitbart Children's Fund"

      This fucking guy.

    4. Chet Kincaid

      I did not just plop Andrews head on the knight image, I worked on it for months in my spare time, re-creating every belt, rivet, cloth item, leather armor and did much cleanup and rendering to the metal armor. It was totally re-worked…also, every hair and whisker on the head was re-created, the skin and eyes too.

      That is one of the saddest, most pathetic things I have ever read on the Internet.

  10. Goonemeritus

    Not that I don’t love me a total unencumbered economy but I think Somalia needs to tell Grover Norquist to fuck off it’s raising taxes whether he likes it or not.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      Their military expenditures now = 100% of the budget.

      Republican paradise.

  11. Schmannnity

    They drive a shrewd bargain–much better than one Blackhawk and 19 dead Marines for one Somali warlord.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That was a great movie, though. Chichikovna said her favorite part was the very brief bit when the UN came to the rescue with armored vehicles piloted and manned by Malaysians and Pakistanis to save the Americans' asses. Odd that this aspect of the Black Hawk Down engagement doesn't get more attention in the US, especially since the rescuers suffered non-trivial casualties and hadn't even been notified about the operation until long after the catastrophe was underway. I wonder why that is? A puzzlement.

  12. mavenmaven

    The saddest part of the story is that they were offering twelve camels for Monica Lewinsky.

  13. Beowoof

    This the place I keep recommending conservatives move to. No government to impede their utopian ideal and lots of use for their guns.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      As long as they honor a few local customs they'll do great. Other upsides include not buying a fancy new car for their spoiled daughters when they turn 16, because they'd get killed, "Sorry, honey, no car. You aren't planning on leaving the house in that scanty face-veil, are you?"

        1. Generation[redacted]

          They're completely on the gold standard. Although there's some debate about adopting the bullet standard instead. Bonus: 2nd Amendment Rights!

  14. HobbesEvilTwin

    Too bad the Somalis don't have Goldman Sucks to help them negotiate a camel futures interest swap.

    It worked out so well for Greece.

  15. freakishlywrong

    In the spirit of bi-partisanship, and a nod to compromise, the Big Dawg accepted.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    …those who want to shrink government down to the size where they can drown it in the bathtub…

    Or so small it can fit inside a woman's reproductive organs.

    1. ThundercatHo

      In a world where contraceptives and abortion are illegal a woman must wait until after the government is born to drown it in a bathtub.

  17. randcoolcatdaddy

    Please … these aren't camels the animal … they're offering Camel cigarettes.

    Cigarettes are much more expensive than camels.

  18. Chet Kincaid

    Actually, they need to give 12 camels for Hillary, because when you're fighting Hillary you always get Bill in the bargain.

    Although it seems like Bill may have married Mitt Romney, since Obama's apparently running against two candidates again. Might even be a menage-a-trois, if you throw in Booker.

    1. prommie

      DLC co-founder is acting like DLC corporate sellout democrat? quelle surprise! (I think I am still allowed to talk french with you).

      1. FakaktaSouth

        No. And stop saying rude things in the middle of Chet's menage talk. It's nice. Bill, Cory, Barry and kick MItt in the balls. Excellent.

        1. prommie

          Yeah but he meant Bill, Willard and Cory, and thats an unholy circle-jerk of a menage any old way. Mon cher.

        2. prommie

          And any old how, I am writing in Tom Morrello for every fucking office I get to vote on, forever. He is now my hero and I have a total man-crush on him now I've learned on top of being righteous, he also graduated from Harvard, and worked as a Senate staffer on the Hill. Dayum.

        3. Chichikovovich

          What? We're not allowed to talk French around here anymore? Hostie Tabernak that torpedoes half my posts right there.

    2. freakishlywrong

      Harold Ford Jr. does not approve of this comment. He IS in the "Democrat" party, after all.

  19. James Michael Curley

    Speaking of two humps, did someone leave Barb in the pub after Sunday's brunch?

    1. prommie

      They're all yellow anyway. Fucking radiohead wannabe losers. Fuck them. I am cranky again, dammit, and you had to mention those fuckers. Fuck Hillz and Bill and Coldplay. Centrist democrats just play the same game as GOPers, split and distract with special interest pandering while stone cold selling the fuck out everyone to the corporations.

  20. smashedinhat

    What they don't tell you is the camels aren't turn key and will still need to be fitted out.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      A one-L "lama" is a priest.

      A two-L "llama" is a beast.

      A three-Lama is a damn big fire.

      ~ Thank you … Herb Caen!

  21. sewollef

    Camels are nasty pieces of work…. how can this not be viewed as anything other than an insult? Do they think Americans are stupid or what??

    Now, if they offered donkeys or asses instead… they're a much sweeter and gentler animal? And THAT'S a trade I could get behind.

  22. ManchuCandidate

    It will end badly on the sail barge when Obama Solo and Joe Skywalker take down the entire lot of scum and villainy as Leia Clinton strangles the Somali leader Jabba the Hutt.

    1. ThundercatHo

      With all due respect to Our Lady of Pantsuits, I don't think anyone wants to picture Leia Clinton in a metal bikini.

  23. prommie

    Yup, those mooslem terrorists are a total existential threat, yessiree, just like that time we were simultaneously fighting two of the most advanced industrial and military powers in the world in Japan and Germany, just exactly the same level of threat that our very existence as a nation is in peril. Thats what justifies all the torture and renditioning and indefinite detention and kangaroo courts and all the rest of the Constitution-fucking these 10 years. Because these guys with their pair of camels, they're on the verge of wiping us out!

  24. BTWBFDIMHO

    My wife and her mother were in Egypt in the 70s, when a local guy offered them four camels for the young lady.
    Four camels! Not even a whole pack of camels!

  25. ElPinche

    No thanks, but we'll keep Barry and Hillz. But how about two bags of sand for Nicki Minaj ?? She comes with a slew of real shitty pop songs which can be used for torture.

  26. anniegetyerfun

    Do they know what the "P" in "PRIAPS" stands for? It ain't halal, my adorable little Mohammedans.

  27. ttommyunger

    Bristle Palin scoffed at this offer, noting coyly that she could never be had for a Camel. A chaw of "Red Man", sure, many times; a box of wine, it goes without saying, a Camel: never.

  28. glamourdammerung

    I really would like to give them 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as Obama's address and try to collect my camels, but I figure the State Department would crush my dream simply out of jealously that Hilary was only worth two camels.

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