LADIES BE DRONE-STRIKIN'  9:09 am June 11, 2012

Adorable Underdog Somali Militants Offer Two Camels For Info On ‘Lady Of Bill Clinton’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

That's no lady, she's Bill's wife!Somalia — a scrappy, can-do failed state that is the platonic ideal for those who want to shrink government down to the size where they can drown it in the bathtub — is not taking it lying down that the US has offered $7 million for the location of this dude Ahmed Abdi Aw-Mohamed and $5 million for a bunch of other similarly Arab-named folks. Nope, the Somali militants have got a little counter-offer they would like to make, and that is 10 camels in exchange for President Barack Hussein Obama. But that’s not all! Call now, and they will throw in two camels for “the lady of Bill Clinton, the woman named Hillary Clinton,” obviously because they are male chauvinist pigs.

How is it that the lady of Bill Clinton is worth only one-fifth of a man? That is even less than America’s famous “black people are three-fifths of a person” compromise, which was found in our inerrant Constitution, handed down by Jesus to Joseph Smith at Mt. Zion, until people who hate God and the Constitution took it out, because they were liberal pussy effetes. How much less is one-fifth than three-fifths? It is one-third as much, or two-thirds less! (MATH.)

Hillary Clinton will now drone strike those motherfuckers, for feminism, because she had a hot flash. [CNN]

 
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{ 150 comments }

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 9:16 am

They'll give three gerbils and a hamster for Mitt Romney.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:21 am

And a muskrat for Sarah palin.

Major Thom June 11, 2012 at 9:21 am

They'll throw in the roof rack.

Tundra Grifter June 11, 2012 at 9:27 am

Duh Gov'Nuh has a nice rack.

If I recall a previous Wonkette blog, she had some work done a while ago.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

Duh Gov'Nuh has a nice rat.

Not yet.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 10:06 am

There are still some things a rat won't do.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 9:59 am

I think you just described Romneybot's power source.

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 10:00 am

RICHARD GERE LIBEL!!!

OneDollarJuana June 11, 2012 at 10:12 am

I'll chip in an extra gerbil I got from this actor guy. Kinda smelly, though.

swordfis June 11, 2012 at 9:16 am

Are we sure that the Somali militants aren't contributing editors of Wonkette?

Shellwith2Ls June 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I was thinking that they worked at The Onion.

CindynEncinitas June 11, 2012 at 4:24 pm

There are no requests for alcoholic beverages or happy hour tips, so obviously they're wandering in a desert somewhere…

glamourdammerung June 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Are we sure that the Somali militants aren't contributing editors of Wonkette?

You are mixing up this site with "Reason".

CivilMcMannerly June 11, 2012 at 9:17 am

You lost me at "MATH."

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 9:18 am

Ten camels? Has Grover Norquist accepted this offer yet? Or better still, moved there?

Maman June 11, 2012 at 9:54 am

Can we send him?

HistoriBarb June 11, 2012 at 10:28 am

Yes please – this. Now.

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2012 at 10:49 am

He should go — it's got his two favorite things — ugly beards and fanaticism.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

Tell him it's a dry heat.

FlownOver June 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Hell, it was Grover that made the offer!

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:18 am

Be the first one!

OK.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 9:48 am

If you've read down that far, you won't be.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:51 am

Much to my chagrin.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 9:18 am

"How much less is one-fifth than three-fifths? It is one-third as much, or two-thirds less! (MATH.)"

Rebecca, did you used to work at the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory out there in Pasadena?

MilwaukeeKent June 11, 2012 at 10:11 am

OT. Back in 1999 I went to a party in Altadena thrown by an engineer acquiantance at JPL. The note on the door said "Take off your shoes" and "Don't puke on anything white.". We stood in a circle (around a Tesla Coil? maybe a Jacob's Ladder) and held hands, lighting up a flourescent tube. There was recreational arc welding in the garage. Three women, with probably five PHDs between them, were painting with food on the kitchen floor. good times.

DerrickWildcat June 11, 2012 at 9:20 am

Hilary Clinton is located in Washington D.C. USA.
Please mail the Two Camels to, Derrick Wildcat.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 9:51 am

I love you, man!

CivicHoliday June 11, 2012 at 10:21 am

sorry man, pretty sure these camels work like Craigslist – you gotta pickup

chascates June 11, 2012 at 9:21 am

Don't fall for this trick! Camels are more obstinate than mules and have a tendency to spit.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 10:09 am

… And you know who else is more more obstinate than a mule and has a tendency to spit…?

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:14 am

Skoal Rebel?

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:17 am

Monica Lewinsky?

eggsacklywright June 11, 2012 at 10:34 am

Woof Blitzer?

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

Randy Johnson?

redarmybarbie June 12, 2012 at 5:18 am

Log Cabin Republicans?

Steverino247 June 11, 2012 at 9:23 am

Bush got two wars for Condi Rice. I guess black women go for a higher price.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 9:23 am

"Nope, the Somali militants have got a little counter-offer they would like to make, and that is 10 camels in exchange for President Barack Hussein Obama."

I think that they're a bit pissed that their deep-cover mole has apparently "gone rogue" on them.

"Why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire, Barry?"

didgen June 11, 2012 at 9:24 am

I happen to have 2 count them, 2 cats with fleas. One of them weighs 26 lbs, I'd be willing to work a deal to use them to fund a raid on Scott Walker's defense fund. I will of course need the cats back, but you can keep the fleas.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 10:04 am

Sheesh, how much HFCS have you been feeding that cat?

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 9:25 am

Every time I hear a story about camels I think of this. I learned this story from a journalist friend of mine.

National Geo doesn't pay it's photographers until after the work is done. So in essence the photographers pay out of pocket to do the stories. There was one photographer that was doing a story on bedouin. He had to buy a camel. When the story was don't he filled out his expense report and National Geo rejected the expense saying that he could have "Rented" the camel (as a transportation cost) but since he bought it and then sold it it was his property and there fore his loss (he sold it for less than he bought it for and wanted National Geo to reimburse him for the difference) fell upon him. He explained that you can't "Rent" a camel, but National Geo was not listening to his pleas.

He submitted another expense report for the exact amount with out the camel listed on the expense report with a post-it note that said "FIND THE CAMEL".

P.S.
He got all his money.

chascates June 11, 2012 at 9:38 am

I've heard that form used to include the line 'Gifts to natives'. I wished my 1040 had that.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 10:12 am

I tried that with my receipts from the Kit-Kat Club.

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

I asked a neighbor that shot for the N.G. a few times and she said she didn't know if the story was urban legand or true. She wanted it to be true. If it is true the man is a god of expense reports in my book. I've been know to get quite creative with mine.

subsum June 11, 2012 at 9:25 am

"How is it that the lady of Bill Clinton is worth only one-fifth of a man? That is even less than America’s famous 'black people are three-fifths of a person' compromise, which was found in our inerrant Constitution, handed down by Jesus to Joseph Smith at Mt. Zion, until people who hate God and the Constitution took it out, because they were liberal pussy effetes."

It's "blah" people. You should know by now.

Studebaker Hawk June 11, 2012 at 9:25 am

Couldn't they come up with a less stereotypical, un-PC offer? Is Ray Stevens writing their material now?

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:27 am

Hillary "Two Camels" Clinton

eggsacklywright June 11, 2012 at 10:25 am

The bactrian has one hump,
The dromedary two.
Or is it the other way around,
I'm never sure, are you?

Listening to Ogden Gnash.

deanbooth June 11, 2012 at 9:28 am

But the Clinton camels are two-humped.

SoBeach June 11, 2012 at 9:29 am

Sure it sounds like a straight up trade, but once they get you on the used camel-lot they start hard-selling the extended warranty, rust-proofing, and other crap.

commiegirl June 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

Ya gotta get the Trucoat.

CindynEncinitas June 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm

and gap coverage.

Doktor Zoom June 11, 2012 at 9:29 am

OT: An update to Friday's foofaraw: BreitKnight artist David Bugnon has apologized

SoBeach June 11, 2012 at 9:34 am

He says "Photo 'chopping' is an art form. It's what I do."

Fair enough.

That makes counterfeiting an art form as well. There are people sitting in federal prison who should instead be given NEA grants.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 9:42 am

And William Petersen and Willem Dafoe would both live, not die, in L.A.

chascates June 11, 2012 at 9:39 am

'Get Your War On''s clip-art style is art, this was high school graphics project #1.

deanbooth June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am
Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

You have your proportions mixed up with Robert Reich.

Guppy June 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

"I'm sorry your intellectual property laws don't let me be CAPITALIST!!!"

not that Radio June 11, 2012 at 10:44 am

"I thought Andrew Breitbart was a warrior for the truth"

"50% of the proceeds were to go to the Breitbart Children's Fund"

This fucking guy.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

I did not just plop Andrews head on the knight image, I worked on it for months in my spare time, re-creating every belt, rivet, cloth item, leather armor and did much cleanup and rendering to the metal armor. It was totally re-worked…also, every hair and whisker on the head was re-created, the skin and eyes too.

That is one of the saddest, most pathetic things I have ever read on the Internet.

Goonemeritus June 11, 2012 at 9:30 am

Not that I don’t love me a total unencumbered economy but I think Somalia needs to tell Grover Norquist to fuck off it’s raising taxes whether he likes it or not.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:33 am

Their military expenditures now = 100% of the budget.

Republican paradise.

SoBeach June 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

And unbridled capitalism (piracy) has made their economy strongest in the world.

Schmannnity June 11, 2012 at 9:32 am

They drive a shrewd bargain–much better than one Blackhawk and 19 dead Marines for one Somali warlord.

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 9:49 am

That was a great movie, though. Chichikovna said her favorite part was the very brief bit when the UN came to the rescue with armored vehicles piloted and manned by Malaysians and Pakistanis to save the Americans' asses. Odd that this aspect of the Black Hawk Down engagement doesn't get more attention in the US, especially since the rescuers suffered non-trivial casualties and hadn't even been notified about the operation until long after the catastrophe was underway. I wonder why that is? A puzzlement.

Gratuitous World June 11, 2012 at 9:32 am

Greece will soon be transitioning to the camel

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:37 am

Germany enticing them to upgrade from their current donkeys?

mavenmaven June 11, 2012 at 9:34 am

The saddest part of the story is that they were offering twelve camels for Monica Lewinsky.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 10:16 am

Talk about getting ridden between humps…

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

Two camels, one hump.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:40 am

Many a cameltoe.

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 9:40 am

Filtered or unfiltered?

Chill_Bill June 11, 2012 at 9:41 am

Momjeans Willard offers you a cameltoe, for free.

Shellwith2Ls June 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Oh God, why did I click on that.
Excuse me, I need to go get some eye bleach.

Beowoof June 11, 2012 at 9:43 am

This the place I keep recommending conservatives move to. No government to impede their utopian ideal and lots of use for their guns.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 9:48 am

Startup opportunities everywhere for jerb creators.

MilwaukeeKent June 11, 2012 at 10:16 am

As long as they honor a few local customs they'll do great. Other upsides include not buying a fancy new car for their spoiled daughters when they turn 16, because they'd get killed, "Sorry, honey, no car. You aren't planning on leaving the house in that scanty face-veil, are you?"

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:21 am

A fever tree, some corrugated tin, and it's home sweet home.

Generation[redacted] June 11, 2012 at 10:29 am

They're completely on the gold standard. Although there's some debate about adopting the bullet standard instead. Bonus: 2nd Amendment Rights!

not that Radio June 11, 2012 at 10:43 am
HistoriBarb June 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

Too many blah people.

HobbesEvilTwin June 11, 2012 at 9:47 am

Too bad the Somalis don't have Goldman Sucks to help them negotiate a camel futures interest swap.

It worked out so well for Greece.

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 9:50 am

In the spirit of bi-partisanship, and a nod to compromise, the Big Dawg accepted.

BarackMyWorld June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am

…those who want to shrink government down to the size where they can drown it in the bathtub…

Or so small it can fit inside a woman's reproductive organs.

ThundercatHo June 11, 2012 at 10:41 am

In a world where contraceptives and abortion are illegal a woman must wait until after the government is born to drown it in a bathtub.

weejee June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am

We already have our beloved watch camel at 21st & Union. The Somali warlords will have to come-up with something better.

After 10 years camel 2 – Honda 0.

mavenmaven June 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

Better deal than the Facebook IPO, at any rate.

Maman June 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

Don't fuck with Hillary!

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:01 am

Lest you feel the wrath of the Kankles of Doom!

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:06 am

How about the camels?

ManchuCandidate June 11, 2012 at 10:27 am

Bill rarely did which is why he got into trouble with Monica.

randcoolcatdaddy June 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

Please … these aren't camels the animal … they're offering Camel cigarettes.

Cigarettes are much more expensive than camels.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 10:22 am

So, two packs or two cartons?

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:30 am

A fine selection of butts.

elburritodeluxe June 11, 2012 at 9:58 am

Can we choose which camels?

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 9:58 am

Actually, they need to give 12 camels for Hillary, because when you're fighting Hillary you always get Bill in the bargain.

Although it seems like Bill may have married Mitt Romney, since Obama's apparently running against two candidates again. Might even be a menage-a-trois, if you throw in Booker.

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:02 am

DLC co-founder is acting like DLC corporate sellout democrat? quelle surprise! (I think I am still allowed to talk french with you).

FakaktaSouth June 11, 2012 at 10:19 am

No. And stop saying rude things in the middle of Chet's menage talk. It's nice. Bill, Cory, Barry and kick MItt in the balls. Excellent.

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:26 am

Yeah but he meant Bill, Willard and Cory, and thats an unholy circle-jerk of a menage any old way. Mon cher.

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:30 am

And any old how, I am writing in Tom Morrello for every fucking office I get to vote on, forever. He is now my hero and I have a total man-crush on him now I've learned on top of being righteous, he also graduated from Harvard, and worked as a Senate staffer on the Hill. Dayum.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 10:32 am

The Kenyan Guitar Usurper!!

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 10:37 am

What? We're not allowed to talk French around here anymore? Hostie Tabernak that torpedoes half my posts right there.

freakishlywrong June 11, 2012 at 10:25 am

Harold Ford Jr. does not approve of this comment. He IS in the "Democrat" party, after all.

elburritodeluxe June 11, 2012 at 9:59 am

Wait a minute… are those camels or 24 starving Somalis in camel suits??

CrunchyKnee June 11, 2012 at 10:01 am

PUMAs vs CAMELS!!!!!!111!!!!

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 10:03 am

Speaking of two humps, did someone leave Barb in the pub after Sunday's brunch?

Baconzgood June 11, 2012 at 10:04 am

That's alot. I've been offering 2 dead rats for the head's of Coldplay for 3 years.

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:40 am

They're all yellow anyway. Fucking radiohead wannabe losers. Fuck them. I am cranky again, dammit, and you had to mention those fuckers. Fuck Hillz and Bill and Coldplay. Centrist democrats just play the same game as GOPers, split and distract with special interest pandering while stone cold selling the fuck out everyone to the corporations.

smashedinhat June 11, 2012 at 10:11 am

What they don't tell you is the camels aren't turn key and will still need to be fitted out.

Chichikovovich June 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

Can we get two llamas for Michele Bachmann instead?

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

Perhaps a rabid bandicoot.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 10:38 am

How about a two-headed llama? Pushmi-Pullyu "Bobby" Jindal can get 'em for you wholesale.

Tundra Grifter June 11, 2012 at 1:08 pm

A one-L "lama" is a priest.

A two-L "llama" is a beast.

A three-Lama is a damn big fire.

~ Thank you … Herb Caen!

sewollef June 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

Camels are nasty pieces of work…. how can this not be viewed as anything other than an insult? Do they think Americans are stupid or what??

Now, if they offered donkeys or asses instead… they're a much sweeter and gentler animal? And THAT'S a trade I could get behind.

ThundercatHo June 11, 2012 at 10:46 am

Plus, you wouldn't need a stepladder.

anniegetyerfun June 11, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Do they think Americans are stupid or what??

Yes.

ManchuCandidate June 11, 2012 at 10:16 am

It will end badly on the sail barge when Obama Solo and Joe Skywalker take down the entire lot of scum and villainy as Leia Clinton strangles the Somali leader Jabba the Hutt.

SoBeach June 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

As long as it's over before that Jar Jar Jindal guy is introduced.

Generation[redacted] June 11, 2012 at 10:27 am

Sorry, all I can picture is Leia Clinton strangling Limbaugh the Hutt

ThundercatHo June 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

With all due respect to Our Lady of Pantsuits, I don't think anyone wants to picture Leia Clinton in a metal bikini.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 10:19 am

Bring me the hump of Alfredo Garcia.

eggsacklywright June 11, 2012 at 10:30 am

With a side of Warren Oates. Thank you.

(Passing teacup) "One hump or two?"

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:33 am

Jerry Garcia libel!

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:23 am

Yup, those mooslem terrorists are a total existential threat, yessiree, just like that time we were simultaneously fighting two of the most advanced industrial and military powers in the world in Japan and Germany, just exactly the same level of threat that our very existence as a nation is in peril. Thats what justifies all the torture and renditioning and indefinite detention and kangaroo courts and all the rest of the Constitution-fucking these 10 years. Because these guys with their pair of camels, they're on the verge of wiping us out!

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 10:40 am

Hold this suitcase-nuke for me while I run across the street, Effendi.

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:51 am

Mushroom clouds, Chet, its all about the mushroom clouds.

CivicHoliday June 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

New and improved Hillz – now with double the camel toe

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

Can I get a "two mules for sister sarah" harumph outta anyone?

PubOption June 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

You will get more sense out of the two mules.

Come here a minute June 11, 2012 at 10:26 am

If a woman claims the reward, she'll get two Virginia Slims.

Generation[redacted] June 11, 2012 at 10:26 am

I'm holding out for a slightly used cargo ship. I know they got 'em!

BlueStateLibel June 11, 2012 at 10:29 am

Throw in three goats and you've got a deal.

BTWBFDIMHO June 11, 2012 at 10:36 am

My wife and her mother were in Egypt in the 70s, when a local guy offered them four camels for the young lady.
Four camels! Not even a whole pack of camels!

ElPinche June 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

No thanks, but we'll keep Barry and Hillz. But how about two bags of sand for Nicki Minaj ?? She comes with a slew of real shitty pop songs which can be used for torture.

PubOption June 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

She already has two bags of silicone in her chest.

ElPinche June 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Also one per ass cheek. So they say.

TheMeatmaker June 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

Dromedary or bactrian? I need too keep track of my humps (my lovely lady lumps).

HistoriBarb June 11, 2012 at 10:59 am

Trouble with math? Camels are the world's greatest mathematicians.

Naked_Bunny June 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

I suddenly have the urge to smoke a vagina.

anniegetyerfun June 11, 2012 at 11:58 am

Do they know what the "P" in "PRIAPS" stands for? It ain't halal, my adorable little Mohammedans.

barto June 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I for one would have to inspect the teeth before accepting that offer. Hillary's, that is.

Callyson June 11, 2012 at 12:26 pm

This is bad news for Joe Camel (aka Big Penis Nose)…

Tundra Grifter June 11, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Drone?

We're back to Joe Lieberman?

ttommyunger June 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Bristle Palin scoffed at this offer, noting coyly that she could never be had for a Camel. A chaw of "Red Man", sure, many times; a box of wine, it goes without saying, a Camel: never.

glamourdammerung June 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I really would like to give them 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as Obama's address and try to collect my camels, but I figure the State Department would crush my dream simply out of jealously that Hilary was only worth two camels.

Designer_Radio June 11, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Hillary will show you 'hot flash'.

valgal2342 June 11, 2012 at 10:03 am

Don't bring a camel to a drone fight either.

Tundra Grifter June 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"Don't bring a camel to a gun fight."

It worked for Lawrence of Arabia.

thatsitfortheother1 June 11, 2012 at 10:09 am

If you had to, if you really had to, you could eat the bowling ball…

prommie June 11, 2012 at 10:37 am

Revolution of one.

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