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Doughnut Identification Glitch Detected in Mitt Romney Software

Your mostly lazy editor had vowed to challenge herself when typing nonsense posts about Mitt Romney, to not go for the perpetually obvious Mittens-qua-robot theme as a matter of trying to avoid worn-out tropes, but… we give up here. This man cannot identify a doughnut. He looks at a plate of them for several seconds, but no… no, it doesn’t quite come to him. He’ll just point at the items and laugh! Whew, good save. He then promises to perform “testing” upon one of them, to later ascertain the relevant data points and incorporate them into his memory bank. Oop, can’t put it in his mouth, though! Might goo up the circuits.

And then he goes and says stuff like this about his opponent in the same visit:

“Is he [Barack Obama] really that out of touch? I think he is defining what it means to be detached and out of touch with the American people,” Romney said in Council Bluffs, Iowa after a roundtable discussion with farmers.

Oh, that’s a good one. Mitt Romney will now go off to learn how these doughnut things work, most likely by dressing up as one. [Buzzfeed/CNN]

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    1. JustPixelz

      All chortles are fake.
      All fakes chortle.
      Mitt Romney wears jeans and an oxford shirt.
      Ergo MItt needs some mental health care, wonkette style.

    2. OldWhiteLies

      GEEZE Barb, you would have to pick my favoritist round confection with the center evacuated.

      CRULLER LIBELZ!!1! (with maple goodness drizzled all over)

      And, sumpin, sumpin, take off, eh, sumpin, hozer, sumptin, also.

      1. tessiee


        I'm pretty sure a donut is the round confection with the center evacuated, and a cruller is the confection that looks like a french braid.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      "I have friends who own factories that produce these confectionaries for commoners" ~ Willard Rmoneyton III

      1. Callyson

        But I thought Mittens liked holes…

        ..oh, no, wait, that's tax loopholes he likes. Never mind…

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Only Michigan made donuts fall within the right size parameters for his software to "like" them.

  1. Steverino247

    You just know he can't wait to get away from those situations. He tries to be like everybody around him, but he's so far removed from their reality that he can't do it. The people he comes to see are their usual warm, friendly selves (often because the candidate isn't black) and want to believe he is just like them. Cluelessness on both sides of the equation.

  2. kissawookiee

    If directing your footman to see that you ingest one of those ah, uh, chocolate, err, things over there is not salt of the earth, I do not know what is.

      1. Schmannnity

        He's already ahead 87% in Pigfart, Alabama. Probably will have to skip this year's Chitterling and Pig Trotters Fest.

      1. ThundercatHo

        You are one of my very favoritist Wonketteers. Always funny, smart and terribly well-informed. I really hope that you will be at the drinky meet-up tonight.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        My grandma made a mean chocolate goody. I did not need to be reminded of it, having never procured the recipe, so now another sadz for the sweet tooth~

  3. Schmannnity

    Frenchy Mitt only eats croissants. Barack likes a frosted doughnut and a Marlboro.

    1. rickmaci

      "Barack likes a frosted doughnut and a Marlboro."

      With a cup of strong black coffee.

      Prince Romoney is even less in touch with the day to day reality of ordinary people than his cousin Prince Charles. SMH.

      1. Negropolis

        A frosted donut, Marlboro, and a cup of strong, black coffee? Why, that's the breakfast of champions, or truckers, whichever comes first.

  4. SexySmurf

    He looks at a plate of them for several seconds, but no… no, it doesn’t quite come to him.

    Here is what popped up on Mittbot's internal display:

    Trees that are the right height.
    Gentile bagels.
    Tax cuts.
    "Fuck you, asshole."

    1. JustPixelz

      you know, I get that. Apparently the same thoughts ran through Arnold when he looked at Maria.

  5. MaxNeanderthal

    Oliver Sachs's new book- "The third-rate wannabe Presdent who mistook his wife for a human"….

  6. Goonemeritus

    Another Republican presidential candidate with early onset dementia. You need to hand it to the RNC they know what they like and they manage to find it for every election cycle.

    1. glamourdammerung

      I doubt it is coincidental that quite a few Republicans end up being known to have neurological issues.

      1. tessiee

        Considering that most of them start out with neurological issues, you figure it's only a matter of time before they're found out.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      I'm guessin' they don't serve these sort of pedestrian pastries at Willard's Moron country club

  7. Ducksworthy

    You Wonketters is evil. Give the guy a break. It takes awhile for his instructions/programming to come through from the planet Kolob. And by the way, if Romney is elected Prez, will he take office in his official Empire of Kolob robes?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Do we know if he used a Bible or the Book of Mormon in Massachussetts? Because if I learned anything from 2008 what you take your oath of office on is the single most important identifier of whether you are decent upstanding sort or a devil worshipper.

      1. George Skullfry

        That is an excellent question, which has never occurred to me because I am just squeezing my eyes shut and pretending there is no possibility Rmoney could win this sucker.

        But, it is a fact that Mormons consider the Book of Mormon to outrank both the Old and New Testaments.

  8. valthemus

    Romney Translate-O-Mat:
    "…I think he is defining what it means to be detached and out of touch with the American people…" >>>>> "Have you noticed he's a negro?"

  9. johnnyzhivago

    "you have an open invitation to come back any time"

    "yeah – like I'm really ever coming back to your stupid town and talk to you about your farming crap or whatever it was you were wasting my time yackking about …. get me outtta this dump pronto"

    1. actor212

      I don't know that he doesn't know from donuts, but that his verbal screening program designed to stop him from saying things he'll regret later thought "donut" was a liberal word since he heard so much about the Medicare "donut hole" under Bush.

  10. VinnyThePooh

    Doughnuts, Willard Wanker. Y'know, the first step in cuts that precedes coffee, holiday parties, benefits, personnel, then the whole damn company.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I think Mitt goes straight to personnel. He does not pass Donut. He DOES collect bazillions of dollars.

    2. scvirginia

      I think this is the key right here. Donuts are the gateway drug to COFFEE… Aiee!

  11. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mitt's never seen a whole donut … his butler usually carves them up before serving them.

  12. Callyson

    And they went after Dukakis for suggesting that farmers grow healthy greens instead of tasteless and nutritionally empty iceberg lettuce? Sheesh…

  13. LastGasp

    Wealthy people don't eat donuts, or burritos, or fast food, or snacks from the vending machine. Imagine what the swells down at the country club would say if Mittens was photographed ingesting such low-class culinary fare.

  14. JustPixelz

    At their core, computers are a bunch of ones and zeros. The donuts resembled a zero causing some internal confusion.

    1. tessiee

      and unless he can find a breadstick to stand in for a one, he'll have to power down and be re-booted.

  15. Serolf_Divad

    Well, I wouldn't expect the endorsement of the Fraternal Order of Police after that gaffe!

  16. OneYieldRegular

    Attacking Obama for being "out of touch" is such classic Rove (accusing your opponent of your own greatest weakness). And Romney must be utterly insufferable when placing an order at Starbucks.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      And Romney's Chauffeur must be utterly insufferable when placing an order at Starbucks.


    2. starfanglednut

      "I'll have somewhere between a tall and a venti ( make it just the right height) Mochachino, 33% soy, 22% half and half, and 210% 2% milk (no that doesn't add up to 100%. I'm a Republican.), half a pump of caramel (and don't charge me for a whole one!). There's no caffeine in that, is there? Oh and here's a nickel for your tip jar. The only other thing I have is thousand dollar bills."

      1. tessiee

        Every single person who has ever worked in food service and/or retail has had this clown for a customer.

  17. Geminisunmars

    You'd think with all the dressing up as a cop that he's done, identifying doughnuts would come more readily to him.

  18. edgydrifter

    Maybe there's some obscure Mormon dietary rule against eating "that which hath no corners" or something.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    It's like he's got complete amateurs programming him — don't they know the Mittbot 3000 works best with the Acronymotron module? All they have to do is plug in Delicious Oblong Noshable Unsalted Toroid and a photo of the object in question and he'll have it down pat. Read the manual, people!

    1. tessiee

      "Delicious Oblong Noshable Unsalted Toroid"

      You should get a job writing letters to Savage Love.

  20. Exhausted66

    "These seem to be processed on some sort of assembly line. Perhaps I can buy them out, borrow against them, collect my huge fee and them shut them down."

  21. Mittens Howell, III

    Could you pass me one of those fried circle-pastries, please. Of course, as always, praise is welcome.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Consumer preview became my main OS. Installing the release preview now. The Betta bubbles were awesome btw. But the power management and boot times are phenomenal. Discover ability of the ui, not so much.

  22. ttommyunger

    I can only imagine Mitten's reaction to a plate of Pig Snoots & Beans or a brain sandwich. I have no doubt this person steps out of the shower to pee.

    1. flamingpdog

      Showers are for the plebes. It takes two daily milk baths to keep Mitt as thoroughly white as he is.

  23. Rotundo_

    So is there some sort of prohibition in LDS against pastry in general or is he just so programmed into being wealthy that he doesn't recognize something that isn't created by a pastry chef? I don't expect him to have a cup of joe or knock back a brewski and tell dirty jokes, but damn, wouldn't you think *someone* on the campaign staff would do an educational program for him so he doesn't come off as some sort of isolated pathetic knob when interacting with low-rents like most of the country are? "Governor Romney, these are typical foods of the common folk, a lot of grease and sugar and starch and poor cuts of meat, you need to feign enthusiasm for them" "Even those things?" "Yes sir, they're called bratwurst, and are about fifty percent fat by weight, we will probably be boosting your statins for the short term so you don't clog too many arteries." "But… They look like…" "I know sir, we will have some mouthwash and a vomitorium in the car for you at all times."

    1. tessiee

      You need to add maple bars to anything to get a proper set of anything.
      Or bacon, bacon would work, too.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        It's always nice to see someone who can get to the meat of the problem. An updog for you!

  24. anniegetyerfun

    Ack, his facial expression pains me so much. I think it's supposed to look normal, but the output is 2 parts bemused and 3 parts cocky bastard, and it makes me stabby.

    1. tessiee

      It never ceases to amaze and baffle me how a face as expressionless as Mitt's manages to look both smug and cringingly pained at the same time.

  25. prommie

    He don't know whether to eat it, kill it, or fuck it. This fucker couldn't pour beer out of a boot.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      My childhood beagle went through life by dividing objects into eat it, hump it, or piss on it. It's a workable philosophy.

  26. ProgressiveInga

    Since he's such a strong supporter of Israel, unlike the muslin in the White House, maybe he got it confused with a pumpernikel bagel?

  27. Nostrildamus

    Trust me, I'm an engineer. Please return RomBot to console mode and type:


    Hope this helps.

    1. tessiee

      Maybe they're afraid that they look too much like a you know what, and would inspire lustful thoughts.

  28. MissTaken

    How did this man survive and win Iowa? Isn't that state's caucus circus filled with butter sculptures and breakfast made with every type of fried meat on top of 4 eggs drenched in a ladle of gravy?

  29. prommie

    Its fucking Burns having dinner with the Simpsons, its fucking absurd, life has become a fucking 1980s cartoon.

  30. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know deep inside, Romney was thinking "What are these strange circle like things. They sort of smell like the fine tea cakes chef used to make and nanny used to give us at the mansion as kids."

  31. elburritodeluxe

    Dough-nut? Lemon-flavored sugar water?
    I had no idea you poor people really eat that shit!

  32. Fox n Fiends

    Mittsy needs a new attack strategy. "out of touch" coming from this 1%er is too rich for the unwashed masses.

  33. MissTaken

    Can we please send him to a McDonald's? Watching him freak out about a Chicken McNugget would be amazing.

  34. iburl


  35. Chick-Fil-Atheist™


    Yes, I will help you with your Romney. So I am hearing that your Romney occasionally has memory drops. Have you rebooted your Romney? You have? Excellent. Let us start by going to the website and downloading the latest firmware…


      1. tessiee

        "Have you tried turning him off and on?"

        I don't want to even think of what might turn him on.

  36. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Quick Fix for the Romney programing:

    100 Identify Food like substance
    110 Food like substance = X

    150 If X is being offered then goto 400 food eating routine

    170 If X is being displayed then goto 300

    200 If unsure of X then goto 100

    300 lnprint "My, they sure make the best X around here!"
    310 lnprint "We should cut taxes so that job creators can buy more X."
    320 Run Tax Cut subroutine
    330 If more X then goto 100
    340 If no more X then end.

    400 Place X in mouth, operate mastication routine 3000
    420 lnprint "That is the best X I have ever had"
    430 lnprint "We should cut taxes for anyone making X"
    440 Run Tax Cut subroutine
    450, If more X then goto 100
    460 If no more X then end.

  37. flamingpdog

    The Mittster said about Preznit Barry:"And I won't have to have a long to-do list in my drawer at the White House. My to do list is written on my heart and the first three entries are these: jobs, jobs and jobs."

    Well, at least we know where the Mittbott's CPU is located now.

  38. widestanceromance

    You can see how down with the people he is by how far he sits from them in this intimate setting, being very careful not to expose them to so much radiation.

  39. Limeylizzie

    Oh it's for playing ring-toss m'lud, just open your bespoke trousers, I'll summon Wiggins to get your member nice and firm and either the downstairs maid or the boot boy, your choice, will throw it.

  40. JackDempsey1

    Cut the guy a break.
    He's in flyover country, the tables are arranged as a checkerboard, and each table has a checkerboard tablecloth. It's an photo-op choreographed by M.C. Escher.

  41. sbj1964

    Mormon Mitt was trying to remember if sugar is a sin like caffeine,alcohol,and gambling.Let's hope he's wearing his magic Mormon underpants.

  42. Lazy Media

    Actually, I'm not sure those are doughnuts. They look more like eclairs, and Romney is of course afraid of saying an uhleet word like that, despite the fact that he's fluent in French (aka gay as hell).

  43. rmjagg

    he has the academi corp and diebold watching his back – he can't lose , even if he does ….

  44. deanbooth

    Seems like a standard senior moment. Only three presidents have taken office when 65 or older. Harrison only lasted a couple of weeks, Buchanan is considered next to worst, and Reagan had dementia. Elitism is bad, but feeble-mindedness is worse.

  45. tessiee

    "Do you know this earthling… er-uh… person?" — Riff Raff, The Rocky Horror Picture Show

  46. tessiee

    "Hail, my fine chaps. I'd like one of those delicious… things that you all seem to be enjoying. And how about that local sports team?"

  47. tessiee

    If you watch the video closely, you can see that Mitt came pretty damn near blowing a circuit from the effort needed to suppress the urge to say, "Let them eat cake".

  48. TribecaMike

    When he said he's going to do "some testing on that one right there," he meant the lady sitting on his right.

  49. Wile E. Quixote

    I want to do some debugging on the MittBot's software. I think the failure to recognize a donut stems from some problems in the pattern recognition software that are caused by loading the Mormonism kernel module. Since Mormons don't drink coffee they don't know what a coffee cup looks like. As we all know, from a topological standpoint coffee cups and donuts are the same, that is to say that they are homeomorphic. I think that the Mormonism kernel module, which prevents Mittbot from consuming coffee, is somehow causing the pattern recognition software to fail because objects are recognized by their topological properties and the donut is being classed as a cup of coffee which is then flagged as verboten by the Mormonism module in the Mittbot's kernel software. This should be dealt with by an exception handler but instead it's causing a kernel fault, which then causes the Mittbot to freeze up while the Mittbot's interpersonal interaction software is reloaded.

    It's obvious that the developers of the Mittbot software need to log this defect and start working on a hotfix until the next release of Mittbot is ready. Otherwise they risk having their candidate being compromised by further pastry injection attacks.

    1. George Skullfry

      I like your topological argument. Further support for this would be that the PR software may forbid recognition of complex non-closed surfaces (e.g., open beverage containers), which would explain why the Mittbot cannot tell its ass from a hole in the ground.

  50. Negropolis

    "Yes, yes, could someone please convey to me that, that…circular, sugar-encrusted confection? That would most please Mitt Romney."

    I think even more strange than him forgetting the name of a snack, is that he said he'd test it, went toward it, and then just left. You could tell the woman was confused as hell, but putting on a brave face so as not to embarrass him, further.

  51. gurukalehuru

    He did NOT eat the doughnut. He did NOT eat the doughnut. He did NOT eat the doughnut.

    (or donut, if you prefer. I accept both spellings.)

  52. BenGleck

    Explain to Romneybot 2012. A croissant is a semi-circle. A donut is a full circle. A donut is two croissants put together. And they are just the right height.

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