Are you within 300 miles of Detroit right now, Wonker? Are you going to drive hell for leather to the Bronx Bar tomorrow (Saturday), to meet up with likeminded people, and kill them? (NO. We are a pacifist blog! BEHAVE YOURSELF!) Right, so here is your reminder that we (“we” being Your Editrix and YOU!) will be Gathering. Saturday, 7 p.m., at the Bronx Bar, 4476 2nd Avenue, Detroit Rock City. First 10 pitchers, as always, are on Your Wonket.

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  • tihond

    Will Jack White, Meg White, or the people from Hardcore Pawn be there?

    • On Wonkette's budget, you are more likely to see Gene Simmons and Kid Rock.

      • SexySmurf

        Or Ted Nugent, if they reimburse him for bus fare.

    • SorosBot

      Will Robocop be there?

      • BarackMyWorld

        I'll buy that for a dollar.

        • PuckStopsHere

          The Hardcore pawn guys won't be there, BUT I WILL! YESSSS! And I vow to personally kick Ted Nugent in the ass if he shows up. But, he won't.

  • Barb

    Have fun guys!

  • I realize you have to take a show out on the road and play the sticks before you bring it to Broadway, but please don't insult the Big Apple by patronizing a bar named after one of our lesser boroughs.

    Thank you.

    • James Michael Curley

      If you're ranking the Bronx below Staten Island never cross the East River.

    • hippie13

      Oddly enough I objected to the place as well…I mean god we might as well be Yankee fans.

  • MissTaken

    I hear the trees are the right height there. Does that also mean the pitchers of beer are filled to the right level?

    • Which had better be full

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The sad thing is, whatever level they start out at, they always end up empty.

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's the OTHER part of Michigan.

  • fartknocker

    Will there be a drinking live blog? That would be fun.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Everybody please avoid the temptation to skip Detroit and keep driving right into Canada.

  • Schmannnity

    Drink up to Detroit's impending bankruptcy.

    • Raise a glass to the salt of the earth

  • emmelemm

    Have fun! I actually have a mostly undamaged high-functioning liver, so if any of you need a transplant after the event, I could probably spare a lobe.

    • James Michael Curley

      With or without onions?

      • emmelemm

        Fava beans and a nice chianti?

        • James Michael Curley

          “If I knew this was going to make you so unhappy, I would have come right over and told you, just to make you eat your liver. Hey, where are you going? Come back here. Come on back here and eat your liver.”

          • Antispandex

            How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

  • LastGasp

    So the above photo shows the aftermath of a Wonkers beatdown?

    • TootsStansbury

      I thought it was from the perspective of the lucky recipient of the first 10 pitchers.

      • C_R_Eature

        In that case, everyone would be Nude covered in Vomit.

    • Naked_Bunny

      That, or it's my POV during a terrific party. I guess the determining factor will be if they're wearing pants.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Or if you are.

    • Isn't that Newell on the top right corner?

    • Chichikovovich

      If my memory of bad 80s movies holds true, it is the immediate precursor to a trip to the cornfield.

      Which I suppose is what happens if anyone tries to skip out on paying their round after the first ten pitchers have been inhaled.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is going to be bigger than a Pistons-Pacers game. Hope Ron Artest doesn't show up.

  • BornInATrailer

    "First 10 pitchers, as always, are on Your Wonket."

    Must. Refrain. From. Bukkake. Joke.


      • ShiftyParadigm

        Jason is Justin's evil twin — the one who gives up five runs in the first inning.

  • metamarcisf

    Stroh's libel.

  • I'd bring the Fruit Of Wonk Security Detail if I were you, Ms. 'Becs.

  • I guess I don't need to say "drink one for me," do I? Cheers!

  • SorosBot

    Have fun, Detroit! I'll be drinking with a certain other Wonketter over on the West Coast then.

    • Chichikovovich

      Have loads of fun you two young scamps!

      • MissTaken

        We will, thanks!

        • anniegetyerfun

          Oh, I thought that this love-affair was purely virtual! You two get to get it on for reals? I am so happy for you!

    • OneYieldRegular

      Where, where, where? If it's anywhere nearby, I could use a martini or three right now.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Something tells me with these guys will be doing a lot of eating out as well.

        • OneYieldRegular


          Well, hang a necktie on the doorknob or something when the coast is clear.

  • Ugh. I can't go. Damn you volleyball tournaments and teen shrink appointments!!!!

    • Give the kid something to talk about: abandon him and drink your ass off.

    • Chichikovovich

      Bring the child with you, by all means. We will be happy to counsel the troubled youth with the secrets to living a life as happy and successful as ours.

  • niblick77

    If you are planning on attending, remember, safety first, put on your condom before you enter the bar! Ladies, that means you, also!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Can you set up a video feed? Make sure the lap top is beer resistant.

    • BornInATrailer

      That could actually be hilarious. Fire up a webcam and audio, point it at the main bar area, start a thread for comments and let her rip.

  • coolhandnuke

    Is there a possibility the Motor City will see a second bailout from this bash?

  • freakishlywrong

    Salut, Wonkett!

    • I'd say "Bottoms Up!" but the new logo scares me.

  • C_R_Eature

    Eh, I hear that Detroit, along with Chicago and New York is all the same street. A typical city involved in a typical daydream.

    Really I would attend, but there's no way I'd drive out there twice in one month. Once is almost too much. Cheers, though! Do something Monstrous for me.

    • James Michael Curley

      I can't go because I got busted down on Bourbon Street.

      • C_R_Eature

        A shame. It gets to wearing thin, they just won't let you be.

  • Antispandex

    Pitchers? What sort of liberal elites are we?

    • Beer funnels available on demand. Or craven begging.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Remember kids — you know you're drunk if you think Hmtrmmck has exactly the right number of vowels.

  • Baconzgood

    I must attend to my spawn this weekend or else I would have made the 4 hour trip to have a drinkey drink.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Are you implying that childcare and drunken revelry are incompatible?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, take the kids!! Kinda like "Bring Your Kids to Work" Day.

      • Naked_Bunny

        I think it's medically sound to find out what kind of drunk your child is.

        • Baconzgood

          Good thinking.

        • Wile E. Quixote

          It's worked out well for the Kennedys.

    • Antispandex

      Where are your priorities? Put the kids in the old jaloppy, tie the dog carrier to the roof, and hit the road!

  • C_R_Eature

    Will everyone's Name Tags read "Weedlord Bonerhitler"?

    • not that Radio

      If they have any sense.

      • C_R_Eature

        And especially if they have None.

    • Mine do, and I'm not even gonna be there.

    • not that Radio

      I made a nameplate for my office door. I'm gonna wait until 5:05pm to put it up, so that I can't be blamed for it on Monday.

      "Honest, boss. Anybody could have done that over the weekend."

      • C_R_Eature

        That is absolutely Magnificent and made this week completely worthwhile. Thank you.

        I hereby award you the Most Coveted Gold-Coloured Star and Balls of High Pranksterism.

        You may get lucky with this one. In my experience, Pranked Nameplates ofter go unnoticed for days, even weeks. Office folks tend to ignore things they see every day. I have some experience in these matters.

        • not that Radio

          I have some experience with that. My boss's name, first and last, rhymes with and has the same number of letters as "Harry Potter". That nameplate was up for more than a week before I was overcome with guilt and took it down.

          • C_R_Eature

            That's really fun, but Not A Career Move, than?

            Mine are usually color prints with the exact same font size color and background as the nameplates and clipped to size and slid into the plastic holders. They look legit until you're right on top of them.

            A Stealth Prank and effective. I'm so widely known as a Prankster that it takes real effort to get away with one.

          • not that Radio

            Oh, that's exactly what I did. I even matched that faux-granite plastic background pattern. I'm telling you, nobody noticed, or everybody noticed but nobody wanted to take it down.

          • not that Radio

            Even a 1:1 photograph of someone's head/face taped to a broom handle and propped up behind a desk will give the coworkers a start, when seen out of the corner of the eye.

          • C_R_Eature

            Nice! That's a quick one, faster than my usual kiddies balloon face and hat.

            Also, I've been informed that the mannequins in the elevator are No Longer Funny.

          • Tell that to the mannequins.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman!

  • C_R_Eature

    A Wonketeer, a Wonkeratti, a Wonkadero and a Pfeffer's Flamboyant Cuttlefish walk into a bar…

    • You know quite well Pfeffer's Flamboyants don't walk.

      They SWISH.

      • C_R_Eature

        Notes. Wheras we Stagger Stagger Crawl.

        • Use your dagger Dan.

          • C_R_Eature

            We Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're Dead!

        • Beautiful. Just BEEYOOtiful.

          Oh, and thanks for the Pfeffer's. They're gorgeous. Toxic little buggers.

          • C_R_Eature

            I love that movie. It's so appallingly Bad it's Good and there's so many great catch phrases to use.

            Re, Pfeffers: They're one of only three species of Cephalopod that's known to be toxic and the only Cuttlefish!

          • "Prawn of my loins" is definitely going on my list of Favourite Catchphrases.

            Re: Pfeffer's — this is the second toxic gift from you in a week. The first was that beautiful blue-ringed octopus. Fascinating. Thank you.

          • C_R_Eature

            That's a good one! also: "I'll kill anyone who gets in the way of me killin' anyone!", "Professor Death! Professor Rape!" and also "WHERE'S MY PIRATING OUTFIT!?" among others…

            You're welcome! A lot of organisms that either generate this one, blur ringed octopus) or acquire (poison arrow frogs, certain caterpillars) toxins hace the consideration to display bright colors and patterns to warn others off. Unlike toxic people.

          • Yes! It's just an enormous collection of great lines and Silly Stuff, which is high on my list of enjoyable things in life.

            I learned that lesson after a few unpleasant experiences. Mother Nature uses bright colours to warn you AWAY! Toxic people don't come with such *obvious* warnings, but I've found the best test of people is to expose them to your animals. If they don't treat the animals with love and kindness, kick 'em out immediately, you'll be doing all of you a favour.

            'Course, I had to go through a bazillion assholes on wheels to find that out. (Hugs the CREature) You have to watch this movie, CRE. I think you'll like it.

          • C_R_Eature

            Yeah, how people treat Animals is a telling psychological indicator. People with little of no empathy don't react well and those are the worst.

            Thanks, MB but I'm Netflix-Impaired.

          • The late (and sometimes lamented) Fareedah Peeples (who basically wanted to be Fareedah all other lifeforms except maybe mice) attacked every human who ever entered my home. I knew I had found partners for life when I found two people who didn't mind at all, despite the bleeding. (She bled me regularly, too.)

            Sorry about the Netflix impairment, dood.

    • finallyhappy

      I made a wretched error today – I thought a bobtail squid was a cuttlefish

      • C_R_Eature

        That's Shocking, but you're allowed one of those on Cephalopod Friday. Don't worry.

        You will have to Study Up, however, for next week.

  • MosesInvests

    "Detroit Rock City"-you're gonna lose your mind. Have fun, y'all!

  • sylamore1

    I shall be there, having been suitably bribed by Editrix Wonkette at a function last night in Motown.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You need to get up to the Pacific Northwest. Where the beer flows in golden streams from the mountains.

    • Fare la Volpe

      …that's not beer.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, that's beer? I thought the economy was finally trickling down on me.

  • Is this Wonkette's new BottomBoob section?

  • owhatever

    Why does this photo remind me of the Bain Capital formation picture? Party hard, young Wonketeers, and sing and dance and say witty things, for Monday comes early next week.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That ain't no Mudd Club or CBGB.

  • Grief_Lessons

    According to google maps I am 513 miles from Detroit. Maybe next time.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You can still make it — getting to pedalin'!

      • Grief_Lessons

        Ten years ago I would have tried. There's a multiplication factor that adjusts the number of miles to go for a drink by the number of domestic commitments you have: 513 miles x job x wife x toddler x newborn = might as well be on the fucking moon.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    You going to have Ted Nugent play for you guys? I'm sure he'd threaten to have sex with some lucky Wonketteer.

  • DahBoner


  • Dammit, I wish I knew about this earlier! I AM indeed within 300 miles (Columbus OH) but the better half has us committed to something else. Someone stop by Dearborn and pick me up some falafel!

  • themcwow

    When is the party train coming back to L.A.?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Came and went back in May, bud.

  • ttommyunger

    "Looks like I picked the wrong time to quit drinking."

  • AtwatersGhost

    The photo is not 100% accurate, the five people standing over you as you lie dying in downtown Detroit aren't likely to all be all white… or so fit. Looks more like Minneapolis folks.

  • Barb

    Checked out the review of the bar you are going to. Sounds like a great place!
    "Good for Kids: No"
    Let's see who says this nine months from tomorrow.

  • finallyhappy

    I am not going to be in Charlotte for the convention- how about DC(again)? I missed last time but I'll show up this time, I promise- even if I am old

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