DETROIT  1:30 pm June 8, 2012

Do Not Forget Your Wonkette Meet-Up And Drinky Thing, Detroit!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Wonkers

Are you within 300 miles of Detroit right now, Wonker? Are you going to drive hell for leather to the Bronx Bar tomorrow (Saturday), to meet up with likeminded people, and kill them? (NO. We are a pacifist blog! BEHAVE YOURSELF!) Right, so here is your reminder that we (“we” being Your Editrix and YOU!) will be Gathering. Saturday, 7 p.m., at the Bronx Bar, 4476 2nd Avenue, Detroit Rock City. First 10 pitchers, as always, are on Your Wonket.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 113 comments }

tihond June 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Will Jack White, Meg White, or the people from Hardcore Pawn be there?

Chill_Bill June 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm

On Wonkette's budget, you are more likely to see Gene Simmons and Kid Rock.

SexySmurf June 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Or Ted Nugent, if they reimburse him for bus fare.

SorosBot June 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Will Robocop be there?

BarackMyWorld June 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I'll buy that for a dollar.

PuckStopsHere June 8, 2012 at 5:25 pm

The Hardcore pawn guys won't be there, BUT I WILL! YESSSS! And I vow to personally kick Ted Nugent in the ass if he shows up. But, he won't.

Barb June 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Have fun guys!

actor212 June 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I realize you have to take a show out on the road and play the sticks before you bring it to Broadway, but please don't insult the Big Apple by patronizing a bar named after one of our lesser boroughs.

Thank you.

James Michael Curley June 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

If you're ranking the Bronx below Staten Island never cross the East River.

hippie13 June 10, 2012 at 8:58 am

Oddly enough I objected to the place as well…I mean god we might as well be Yankee fans.

MissTaken June 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I hear the trees are the right height there. Does that also mean the pitchers of beer are filled to the right level?

actor212 June 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Which had better be full

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

The sad thing is, whatever level they start out at, they always end up empty.

anniegetyerfun June 8, 2012 at 4:16 pm

That's the OTHER part of Michigan.

fartknocker June 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Will there be a drinking live blog? That would be fun.

BarackMyWorld June 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Everybody please avoid the temptation to skip Detroit and keep driving right into Canada.

Schmannnity June 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Drink up to Detroit's impending bankruptcy.
http://www.freep.com/article/20120608/NEWS01/1206

actor212 June 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Raise a glass to the salt of the earth

emmelemm June 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Have fun! I actually have a mostly undamaged high-functioning liver, so if any of you need a transplant after the event, I could probably spare a lobe.

James Michael Curley June 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

With or without onions?

emmelemm June 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Fava beans and a nice chianti?

James Michael Curley June 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm

“If I knew this was going to make you so unhappy, I would have come right over and told you, just to make you eat your liver. Hey, where are you going? Come back here. Come on back here and eat your liver.”

Antispandex June 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

LastGasp June 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

So the above photo shows the aftermath of a Wonkers beatdown?

TootsStansbury June 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I thought it was from the perspective of the lucky recipient of the first 10 pitchers.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

In that case, everyone would be Nude covered in Vomit.

Naked_Bunny June 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That, or it's my POV during a terrific party. I guess the determining factor will be if they're wearing pants.

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Or if you are.

Chill_Bill June 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Isn't that Newell on the top right corner?

Chichikovovich June 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

If my memory of bad 80s movies holds true, it is the immediate precursor to a trip to the cornfield.

Which I suppose is what happens if anyone tries to skip out on paying their round after the first ten pitchers have been inhaled.

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm

This is going to be bigger than a Pistons-Pacers game. Hope Ron Artest doesn't show up. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pacers%E2%80%93Pisto

BornInATrailer June 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"First 10 pitchers, as always, are on Your Wonket."

Must. Refrain. From. Bukkake. Joke.

actor212 June 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

JASON VERLANDER LIBEL!

ShiftyParadigm June 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Jason is Justin's evil twin — the one who gives up five runs in the first inning.

metamarcisf June 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Stroh's libel.

Chet Kincaid June 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I'd bring the Fruit Of Wonk Security Detail if I were you, Ms. 'Becs.

Chill_Bill June 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I guess I don't need to say "drink one for me," do I? Cheers!

SorosBot June 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Have fun, Detroit! I'll be drinking with a certain other Wonketter over on the West Coast then.

Chichikovovich June 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Have loads of fun you two young scamps!

MissTaken June 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

We will, thanks!

anniegetyerfun June 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Oh, I thought that this love-affair was purely virtual! You two get to get it on for reals? I am so happy for you!

OneYieldRegular June 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Where, where, where? If it's anywhere nearby, I could use a martini or three right now.

Fare la Volpe June 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Something tells me with these guys will be doing a lot of eating out as well.

OneYieldRegular June 8, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Ah.

Well, hang a necktie on the doorknob or something when the coast is clear.

Maman June 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Ugh. I can't go. Damn you volleyball tournaments and teen shrink appointments!!!!

actor212 June 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Give the kid something to talk about: abandon him and drink your ass off.

Chichikovovich June 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Bring the child with you, by all means. We will be happy to counsel the troubled youth with the secrets to living a life as happy and successful as ours.

niblick77 June 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

If you are planning on attending, remember, safety first, put on your condom before you enter the bar! Ladies, that means you, also!

Monsieur_Grumpe June 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Can you set up a video feed? Make sure the lap top is beer resistant.

BornInATrailer June 8, 2012 at 1:55 pm

That could actually be hilarious. Fire up a webcam and audio, point it at the main bar area, start a thread for comments and let her rip.

coolhandnuke June 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Is there a possibility the Motor City will see a second bailout from this bash?

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Salut, Wonkett!

actor212 June 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I'd say "Bottoms Up!" but the new logo scares me.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Eh, I hear that Detroit, along with Chicago and New York is all the same street. A typical city involved in a typical daydream.

Really I would attend, but there's no way I'd drive out there twice in one month. Once is almost too much. Cheers, though! Do something Monstrous for me.

James Michael Curley June 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I can't go because I got busted down on Bourbon Street.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

A shame. It gets to wearing thin, they just won't let you be.

Antispandex June 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Pitchers? What sort of liberal elites are we?

MittBorg June 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Beer funnels available on demand. Or craven begging.

SayItWithWookies June 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Remember kids — you know you're drunk if you think Hmtrmmck has exactly the right number of vowels.

Baconzgood June 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I must attend to my spawn this weekend or else I would have made the 4 hour trip to have a drinkey drink.

Naked_Bunny June 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Are you implying that childcare and drunken revelry are incompatible?

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Hell, take the kids!! Kinda like "Bring Your Kids to Work" Day.

Naked_Bunny June 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I think it's medically sound to find out what kind of drunk your child is.

Baconzgood June 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Good thinking.

Wile E. Quixote June 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

It's worked out well for the Kennedys.

Antispandex June 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Where are your priorities? Put the kids in the old jaloppy, tie the dog carrier to the roof, and hit the road!

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Will everyone's Name Tags read "Weedlord Bonerhitler"?

not that Radio June 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

If they have any sense.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

And especially if they have None.

MittBorg June 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Mine do, and I'm not even gonna be there.

not that Radio June 8, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I made a nameplate for my office door. I'm gonna wait until 5:05pm to put it up, so that I can't be blamed for it on Monday.

"Honest, boss. Anybody could have done that over the weekend."

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm

That is absolutely Magnificent and made this week completely worthwhile. Thank you.

I hereby award you the Most Coveted Gold-Coloured Star and Balls of High Pranksterism.

You may get lucky with this one. In my experience, Pranked Nameplates ofter go unnoticed for days, even weeks. Office folks tend to ignore things they see every day. I have some experience in these matters.

not that Radio June 8, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I have some experience with that. My boss's name, first and last, rhymes with and has the same number of letters as "Harry Potter". That nameplate was up for more than a week before I was overcome with guilt and took it down.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 6:54 pm

That's really fun, but Not A Career Move, than?

Mine are usually color prints with the exact same font size color and background as the nameplates and clipped to size and slid into the plastic holders. They look legit until you're right on top of them.

A Stealth Prank and effective. I'm so widely known as a Prankster that it takes real effort to get away with one.

Dr_Zoidberg June 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman!

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 2:02 pm

A Wonketeer, a Wonkeratti, a Wonkadero and a Pfeffer's Flamboyant Cuttlefish walk into a bar…

MittBorg June 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

You know quite well Pfeffer's Flamboyants don't walk.

They SWISH.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Notes. Wheras we Stagger Stagger Crawl.

trampndirtdown June 8, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Use your dagger Dan.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 11:41 pm

We Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're Dead!

MittBorg June 9, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Beautiful. Just BEEYOOtiful.

Oh, and thanks for the Pfeffer's. They're gorgeous. Toxic little buggers.

C_R_Eature June 10, 2012 at 8:17 am

I love that movie. It's so appallingly Bad it's Good and there's so many great catch phrases to use.

Re, Pfeffers: They're one of only three species of Cephalopod that's known to be toxic and the only Cuttlefish!

finallyhappy June 8, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I made a wretched error today – I thought a bobtail squid was a cuttlefish

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 7:43 pm

That's Shocking, but you're allowed one of those on Cephalopod Friday. Don't worry.

You will have to Study Up, however, for next week.

MosesInvests June 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"Detroit Rock City"-you're gonna lose your mind. Have fun, y'all!

sylamore1 June 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I shall be there, having been suitably bribed by Editrix Wonkette at a function last night in Motown.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

You need to get up to the Pacific Northwest. Where the beer flows in golden streams from the mountains.

Fare la Volpe June 8, 2012 at 4:11 pm

…that's not beer.

anniegetyerfun June 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Oh, that's beer? I thought the economy was finally trickling down on me.

deanbooth June 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Is this Wonkette's new BottomBoob section?

owhatever June 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Why does this photo remind me of the Bain Capital formation picture? Party hard, young Wonketeers, and sing and dance and say witty things, for Monday comes early next week.

OneYieldRegular June 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

That ain't no Mudd Club or CBGB.

Grief_Lessons June 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

According to google maps I am 513 miles from Detroit. Maybe next time.

Fare la Volpe June 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

You can still make it — getting to pedalin'!

Grief_Lessons June 8, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Ten years ago I would have tried. There's a multiplication factor that adjusts the number of miles to go for a drink by the number of domestic commitments you have: 513 miles x job x wife x toddler x newborn = might as well be on the fucking moon.

Texan_Bulldog June 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

You going to have Ted Nugent play for you guys? I'm sure he'd threaten to have sex with some lucky Wonketteer.

DahBoner June 8, 2012 at 3:45 pm

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…

Andrew Drinker June 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Dammit, I wish I knew about this earlier! I AM indeed within 300 miles (Columbus OH) but the better half has us committed to something else. Someone stop by Dearborn and pick me up some falafel!

themcwow June 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm

When is the party train coming back to L.A.?

Fare la Volpe June 8, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Came and went back in May, bud.

ttommyunger June 8, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"Looks like I picked the wrong time to quit drinking."

AtwatersGhost June 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

The photo is not 100% accurate, the five people standing over you as you lie dying in downtown Detroit aren't likely to all be all white… or so fit. Looks more like Minneapolis folks.

Barb June 8, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Checked out the review of the bar you are going to. Sounds like a great place!
"Good for Kids: No"
Let's see who says this nine months from tomorrow.

finallyhappy June 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I am not going to be in Charlotte for the convention- how about DC(again)? I missed last time but I'll show up this time, I promise- even if I am old

not that Radio June 8, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Oh, that's exactly what I did. I even matched that faux-granite plastic background pattern. I'm telling you, nobody noticed, or everybody noticed but nobody wanted to take it down.

not that Radio June 8, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Even a 1:1 photograph of someone's head/face taped to a broom handle and propped up behind a desk will give the coworkers a start, when seen out of the corner of the eye.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Nice! That's a quick one, faster than my usual kiddies balloon face and hat.

Also, I've been informed that the mannequins in the elevator are No Longer Funny.

Lube June 8, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Tell that to the mannequins.

MittBorg June 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"Prawn of my loins" is definitely going on my list of Favourite Catchphrases.

Re: Pfeffer's — this is the second toxic gift from you in a week. The first was that beautiful blue-ringed octopus. Fascinating. Thank you.

C_R_Eature June 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

That's a good one! also: "I'll kill anyone who gets in the way of me killin' anyone!", "Professor Death! Professor Rape!" and also "WHERE'S MY PIRATING OUTFIT!?" among others…

You're welcome! A lot of organisms that either generate this one, blur ringed octopus) or acquire (poison arrow frogs, certain caterpillars) toxins hace the consideration to display bright colors and patterns to warn others off. Unlike toxic people.

MittBorg June 10, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Yes! It's just an enormous collection of great lines and Silly Stuff, which is high on my list of enjoyable things in life.

I learned that lesson after a few unpleasant experiences. Mother Nature uses bright colours to warn you AWAY! Toxic people don't come with such *obvious* warnings, but I've found the best test of people is to expose them to your animals. If they don't treat the animals with love and kindness, kick 'em out immediately, you'll be doing all of you a favour.

'Course, I had to go through a bazillion assholes on wheels to find that out. (Hugs the CREature) You have to watch this movie, CRE. I think you'll like it.

C_R_Eature June 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Yeah, how people treat Animals is a telling psychological indicator. People with little of no empathy don't react well and those are the worst.

Thanks, MB but I'm Netflix-Impaired.

MittBorg June 10, 2012 at 2:20 pm

The late (and sometimes lamented) Fareedah Peeples (who basically wanted to be Fareedah all other lifeforms except maybe mice) attacked every human who ever entered my home. I knew I had found partners for life when I found two people who didn't mind at all, despite the bleeding. (She bled me regularly, too.)

Sorry about the Netflix impairment, dood.

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