rumors on the internets

China Didn’t Want Those Dumb American Jobs Anyway

People don't like me? But...I like me!Your morning news: this time with a main dish of weird news that Americans have finally begun stealing jobs back from China, a side of old news (yeah, yeah, Bush is annoying) and a dessert of future news (everyone’s going to be on Facebook soon!).
  • America is actually stealing jobs from China. Someone explain this “job stealing” concept right now — does it work on jobs that famous people have? Can you steal Kanye West’s job? Asking for a friend. [The Atlantic]
  • Former president Bush is the most unpopular living president. Actually, according to the numbers, a majority of Americans dislike him. It’s likely all the kids who grew up and looked at their families and said, “Really? This guy? Twice?!” [Huffington Post]
  • Romney’s job would be super easy if he gets elected, considering how much Obama’s done for him already. But then, Romney’s made Obama’s job of reelecting himself so much easier considering Obama is no longer the most elitist one in the room. [The Daily Beast]
  • Most of the world will have high-speed internet in 2017. Pretty sure this means that everyone will be watching Mad Men at that point. At the same time. [Mashable]
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  1. Barb

    Things more popular than Bush:
    Black Eyed Peas, mandatory annual Super Bowl Halftime show
    Bleeding, in shark infested waters
    Breakdancing, in skinny jeans
    Circumcision, sans anaesthetic
    Colonoscopy, by Edward Scissorhands, by live python, sans sedation, via chainsaw

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I've figured it out. Barb has a time machine and she is able to go 15 minutes or an hour into the future and find out what the upcoming posts are about, and notes the time that they are posted. She then comes back to the present and types up her comment in Word. At the appropriate time, she comes to the new post and cuts/pastes/submits her pre-written response. That's how she has all these long comments and still manages to be the first or second commenter time after time. I'd probably do something a little different if I had that time machine, but maybe there are limitations to it that I don't know about.

      1. actor212

        Well, we wouldn't want to advocate death for anyone, even people we really despise, but yes.

        Hypothetically. Just no resurrection, please.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            I'd justify it as "I wanna nail that fucker to a post and watch him hang there," but that's just me.

      1. Barb

        I've already posted "human centipede"

        Here's one for the list:
        Going to see the Battleship movie. *shiver*

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Giving a cat a bath
      Kissing your ancient great aunt who has a thicker mustache than you do (for guys)
      Kissing your ancient great uncle who trembles and makes you think he may be copping a feel (for gals)
      Wrestling a bear
      Licking an ashtray

    2. C_R_Eature

      Guinea Worm
      Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever
      Necrotizing fasciitis
      John Boehner's annual Vodka bill

    3. OldWhiteLies

      Things more popular than Bush:

      Being dead. (vampires, also)

      Some obligatories:
      Chewing on razorblades.
      Walking barefooted on broken glass.
      Taking care of your neighbour's dog that has a skin condition while they're on holiday for a week …

    4. tessiee

      Clorox, drinking
      Clorox, douching with
      "Hotel California", repeating audio loop of
      "Jingle Bells" by the barking dogs, repeating audio loop of
      McNaughton, John, the complete paintings of
      Sandler, Adam, the complete movies of
      Sandler, Adam, books on tape read by
      Strawberry Yoo-Hoo

    5. tessiee

      Anybody else reminded of those two guys on Saturday night live played by, I think, Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest:
      "You know how you get a lot of paper cuts?"
      "Yeah, and then you get them all full of lemon juice?"
      "Yeah, and you roll around in… what do you call it?"
      "Nah, nah"
      "Broken glass?"
      "Nah, nah, the other thing"
      "Thumbtacks with all the points facing up?'
      "Oh, I hate when THAT happens!"

  2. Come here a minute

    Or how to go from "guy you'd like to have a beer with" to "guy you'd like to dump a beer on" in 8 long years.

    1. Chichikovovich

      More precisely: "guy you'd like to dump a beer on after processing it through your bladder first".

  3. actor212


    If I don't speak with you later, please have a good weekend.

    So we're stealing China's jobs? Well, you know what they say, "One from column A, two from Bain Capital"…

          1. Beowoof

            I understand the awe. I gave up genuflecting for lent one year and never started again.

    1. JustPixelz

      And yet there are those who think America needs a third "former President Bush". Masochists, I think they're called.

    2. widestanceromance

      It's a vast liberal conspiracy to make America think this mythical figure was president for 2 terms. He never existed and neither did the years 2000-2008. To believe anything else is to be a plantation slave.

      1. tessiee

        Sorry, Chet, can't entirely agree.
        As vomit-inducing at it may be (and I apologize in advance for the mental picture), Darth Cheney was the mount-er, and Duhbya was his little bitch.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      And yet if you refer to Obongo as an ape, or call his fat-assed Mammy wife a Wookiee, the libunatics call you a racist. Their hypocrisy knows no bounds.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I always thought the line "I'm a winner, things are gonna change, I can feel it" sounded like it was supposed to be a GHW Bush impression or clip. But a bit of googling suggest it's from an obscure movie.

    2. widestanceromance

      Look like some sort of punch-the-monkey* target for competitive shoe tossing tournaments held in many parts of the world.

      *Settle down, class, this is history, not the playground.

      1. tessiee

        Tarzan had a cheap, less successful younger brother who had a pet cheetah named Monkey.

        1. Negropolis

          I don't know. She looks tall enough to be doing the stealin', if you know what I mean.

  4. Goonemeritus

    Is it really fair to hold former President Bush’s un-likability against him? Aren’t ringworms and intestinal parasites God’s creatures too.

    1. ttommyunger

      I caught the Clapp a couple of times in the sixties. I miss that more than Dubya.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Dubya just knew he could prove that one can kill more of one's countrymen through sheer stupidity than Augusto Pinochet could kill through pure evil. So after 9/11 Jeb had to pay him a dollar.

    1. tessiee

      Cartoonist Ted Rall said he came up with his characteristic style of drawing Bush as a banana republic general after looking at pictures of Pinochet's elaborate uniform and blank, empty eyes.

  6. Doktor Zoom

    If we could just get rid of all those job-killing environmental and product-safety regulations, we could beat China in the production of cadmium-coated drinking glasses for children, too.

    1. tessiee

      But no abortion, no birth control, no stem cell research, and no wimmenz health, because Jeebus babbys.

  7. Serolf_Divad

    Fox News will run a segment "proving" that Bush is the most hated ex-president because he was the single person most responsible for getting Obama elected in 5… 4… 3… 2…

    1. tessiee

      "because he was the single person most responsible for getting Obama elected"

      I doubt that their grasp on the principle of cause and effect is that good.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Fox News will run a segment "proving" that Bush is the most hated ex-president because he was the single person most responsible for getting Obama elected in 5… 4… 3… 2…

      PALIN LIBEL!!111!!

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "Obama is no longer the most elitist one in the room."

    I'm sure Obama wouldn't go narc to the police if some dude was burning a spliff on the same beach.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      But he might intercept it. And for some pot heads, that would be a far worse offense.

  9. philpjfry

    Yeah yeah, it's great jobs are coming back, but if China wants to really do us a favor, they can take some of our republicans off our hands. Politicians, the export that is a win for everybody, except maybe China. But I am sure they could fuck up that country too.

    1. tessiee

      Yeah, then they could go live in that perfect utopia that they can't seem to shut up about, without all those pesky labor laws, no environmental regulations, government in charge of birth control and abortions, etc.

    2. Negropolis

      I don't know; they seem to have more than their fair share of Republicans as it is.

  10. edgydrifter

    The zoo has a Texas lion, and the White House had eight years of an incompetent half-witted dry-drunk belligerent pretend cowboy.
    Can somebody put that on a sign for me?

    1. MosesInvests

      As I said in a previous comment on a different post-*dry* drunk? Are you sure? Take a look at photos from the 2008 Olympics, especially the one where Shrub is holding a flag upside down, and one of his daughters (Jenna?) is looking at him like, "Dad, WTF?"

      1. tessiee

        When you have only four-fifths of a brain to begin with, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, and in other news — if we never hear another goddamned thing about the fucking queen of England it'll be too fucking soon. No wonder I've been in a bad mood this week, with that damn undercurrent of a celebration of hereditary monarchy and inbreeding going on all the damn time.

    Unfortunately we will hear about her again, when she freakin' croaks and the whole fucking planet will all be sad for another damn week or thereabouts, and then the damn coronation. Can we just not be an anglophilic society anymore, please?

      1. tessiee

        Aren't you making a rather sweeping assumption there? I mean, are we absolutely sure that LimeyLizzie (our LimeyLizzie, of course) doesn't want the job?

    1. vulpes82

      Don't worry. Lizzie will reign forever as the Immortal God-Empress of Albion and the Commonwealth. I mean, if you were her, would YOU give that twerp Charles the satisfaction of your dying?

    2. Mumbletypeg

      OK so this week you've flogged Jackson Browne, Neil Young — such intrepid pop &/or culture icons! — and now the Mother of all Queens. What do these three have in common, you ask? I'm about to tell you, and am sorely disappointed this did not resonate loudly enough as I zapped it through the tips@wonkette line… They all SMELL GOOD for their age, a new trippy poll has shown, thank you San Fran Gate and thanks y'all for allowing me to get this vital information off my chest so we can all be clear. Finally, an explanation for all those zombielike attacks: frail, feeble peeps just smell so damned scrumptious!

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oh, but I like Neil Young. And The Temptations, for that matter. And for what it's worth, I've never thought of Jackson Browne as smelling funny, though James Taylor — he probably raises mung beans in his desk drawer — they're very nutritious, but they smell like death.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          James Taylor — he probably raises mung beans in his desk drawer

          I think Neil Young would approve of that. Didn't he, after all, enlist Taylor's backup vocals on that late-80s album whose title song went, "…On This Harvest Mung"?

      2. MissTaken

        I think the tipster gods don't pay attention to SFGate tips thinking they will just be naked pictures from Bay to Breakers and why our food trucks kick ass.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Upon visiting their homepage for the first time in a while: it was, without exaggeration, a quite 'busy' page of ledes, bells & whistles compared w/ when I'd last checked it aeons ago.

      3. tessiee

        Neil Young may be a very nice person, and an iconic musician, who gets major coolness points for being part owner of Lionel and improving model trains (!):
        But there's no way he smells good, unless by "good" you mean "like patchouli and ass".

    3. OldWhiteLies

      Indeed. To quote me GranDa's comment made in response to the last notable jubleethingee:

      Bluedee foooking waste. (One assumes of money and time, but it did not seem wise to inquire at the time. One learns to merely grunt in sympathetic resonance to such.)

    4. UnholyMoses

      Whenever I read/hear/see news about the royal family, the first thought that enters my mind is: "Didn't we fight a war so we didn't have to give a shit about a bunch of inbred, pompous, self-absorbed wankers?"

      Good to know it's not just me …

    5. Negropolis

      Yes, but the pretty boats and dresses and history and such as.

      Really, so long as they aren't ordering me to carry a British flag across London Bridge, I couldn't care less. I find the royal family magnitudes less worrisome and maddening as a practical matter than that nation's Conservative Party, and their death-wish to emulate the American Republican Party to the t.

      So, if the British don't mind spending a tiny bit of their GDP on that museum that is the Royal Family; I couldn't care less. They could spend it on things much more dangerous and pointless You know, like the F-22.

  12. Rotundo_

    So wages under the last 40 years have finally stagnated until we are competitive with the Chinese for labor rates, and most of America sees Dubya for the fucking moron he is. I suppose this is progress in some sense. I suspect that they'll just move production of cheap shit to another lower cost country and after the next republican administration Dubya will finally start coming up in peoples eyes again.

    1. tessiee

      *pat pat*
      Don't worry, Rotundo; there are enough starving poor people in Africa to guarantee that none of us even get shitty jobs for the rest of our lives.

  13. SexySmurf

    Can you steal Kanye West’s job?

    I can do that. I'll even go around and interrupt Taylor Swift for free, but there is no way in hell I'm fucking Kim Kardashian.

  14. JustPixelz

    "… most of the world will have high speed internet …"

    America won't do anything the rest of the world is doing (c.f the metric system). And I, for one, will welcome our new dial-up modems.

  15. prommie

    I want to get a job as one of those flayed, plasticized chinese corpses, the pay isn't great, but the job security is the ultimate.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Do the Chinese show their meals in plasticized versions in the windows like the other Eastern Asia countries I have been to? I have seen in in a few NYC places, but they apparently use real food.

  16. freakishlywrong

    “Really? This guy? Twice?!” Well, once actually. As evidenced by the previous post, the oft-hated Supremes horned in on the first one.

  17. OldWhiteLies

    It would warm my heart no end to have a kid (ie anyone not over 30) look at me and ask WTF about shrubW for two terms.

    It would give me extreme hope to think that any such kid was paying that close attention to the ramifications of various political choices this country has made. The WTF's with shrubW? part would just be extra icing.

  18. C_R_Eature

    Dear Editrix:
    I know that George W. Bush is an important part of our history, but that photo is just too much. Please replace it with This One.
    Thanks, CRE

      1. C_R_Eature

        I think he was, but looking at that series of photos leads me to believe he took a flying leap off the Wagon at that point in his Ill-Starred presidency.

          1. C_R_Eature

            "Got Black-out, fall down in a huge pool of your own vomit drunk."

            It's just too bad he didn't tape everything, like Nixon. Although there may be CCTV – that would make an hilariously awesome YouTube video

          1. C_R_Eature

            Precisely. At that point in his Tragicomic Presidency he gave even less of a Flying Fuck what anyone else thought.

  19. notreelyhelping

    Here's the nice thing about Bush: as grim as things can be–and there's been more than our share of post-Bush despair–one can still relax a bit thinking President Ooo Shiny-Shiny isn't leaning back in his desk chair and watching the pretty red light reflect on the walls while the world burns.

    1. Billmatic

      Yes Bammerz will just rub his reptilian hands in glee and return to his home planet through his shift gate located at the foot of the Lincoln monument.

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    I thought we had woke up from our long, traumatic national nightmare. Then someone had to mention that Bush guy again.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Hey if we're stealing jobs from China that can only mean one thing — Wal-Mart has finally opened its Beijing branch.

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but man is my internet/Wonkette fucked up today. I wonder if the cyber-terrorists have something to do with this. Looks like I might average one or two comments an hour. Guess I'd better make them good.

    1. Mumbletypeg's got nothing on, which (speaking from my POV, yet I suspect I'm not alone in this experience) froze my work PC just now after I tried clicking on a Pareene post fellow commenter linked to, backthread.

  23. weejee


    Nate Silver predicts Nobama to win by 400 electoral votes in biggest rout since LBJ laid a whopping on Goldwater in 1864 or something. Mittens conceded at the news and subsequently has leapt from an undisclosed Wall Street window.

    Perhaps I exaggerate just a tad.

  24. iburl

    Granted both Bush elections were stolen, but they shouldn't have been close enough to steal. Who were they running against? Al Gore and John Kerry? Oh, OK, I guess I can see why they were somewhat close.

  25. James Michael Curley

    For those interested in starting the daily WTF? as polling and electoral vote estimates change, here are five leading links.
    Everybody's favorite election Nerd Nate Silver
    A very astute Canadian who has been doing it for nine years now;
    Real Clear Politics (should be called Republican Claims at Predictions)
    Huffinton Post (I include only because it has links to about seven others)
    New York Times (They have the strictest criteria for calling/predicting a state but they will put up a predict it yourself app in a few weeks.

  26. not that Radio

    Dear Mashable:

    25% of the world's population does not even have electricity, or clean water. But they can scan those annoying QR thingies on cereal boxes into their smart phones and receive valuable coupons!


    The Limits of Asymptotic Extrapolation

  27. Beowoof

    Bush is supposed to have a book coming out on the economy soon. Now that will be a best seller over at Newsmax. Sign up and you will get a free copy and two copies of Snow Snooki's latest tome America by Heart.

  28. Negropolis

    I miss President Zoolander, and by that I miss that he's not still under investigation for something.

  29. Sassomatic

    Every time I see that face now I relive that November night that marked the beginning of my twenties and of the country's slow and painful decline.

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