mo money mo problems

President Romney To Hand His Vast Fortune Over To Liberal Government Bureaucrats

Check his suit, every last dollar must be given to the Feds, to manageThis hasn’t been covered very extensively in the press, but it turns out that Mitt Romney is fairly well off! Apparently the latest figure being thrown around for his personal fortune is … $250 million? That seems like a lot! Most of the impoverished slobs who come into the White House are just happy to get their hands on that sweet, sweet $400,000 a year salary, but when someone with real money like Mitt gets his hands on the levers of power, the temptation would be strong to start exactly the right kind of wars that make all of his investments shoot through the roof. That’s why liberal communist Mitt Romney has agreed to put his vast chamber of gold doubloons under the control of somebody from the government to manage during his inevitable eight years of office. Why is this guy even bothering to fight for lower taxes if he loves giving the government his money so much?

Since before he became governor, Mitt Romney’s munnies have been in a “blind trust” run by a Boston lawyer with the hilariously WASPy name of R. Bradford Malt. But it turns out that maybe this blind trust isn’t so blind after all?

Malt bought and sold off a number of investments over the last several years that appeared to conflict with Romney’s political positions. Since 2010, as the presidential election neared, Malt has sold off a number of stocks in companies based in China and others that traded with Iran and backed stem cell research — all stances that Romney has opposed as a candidate.

Haha, so the easiest way to interpret this is that up until 2010 Romney was in favor of outsourcing all manufacturing to China, mining fetuses for their precious stem cells, and promoting Iran’s system of Islamic theocracy? Sounds about right to us!

Anyway, once he’s president, Romney’s big pile of money will be taken away from R-Brad (that’s his rap name) and put into a “federally qualified diversified blind trust,” and nobody — not Mitt Romney, not the public, not anybody — will be allowed to know what his investments are! Probably the whole thing will be converted into cash and allowed to sit in a series of steamer trunks in the basement of the Commerce Department, dusted occasionally by interns, and then nobody will remember where it is. It will still perform better than your 401k. [CSM]

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

97 comments

  1. Barb

    Mitt is cool with this and yet, won't drink a Coca Cola. I'm just glad that he has some standards.

    1. freakishlywrong

      And he's a top-notch liar. Which is apparently A-ok with the Angel Morani. (yes, I meant that).

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I bet Moroni, safe from prying human perceptivity, is secretly the chocoholic of the angels' brat-pack.
        Why else would Mitt be condoned by his clan as fudge-packer extraordinaire?

    2. Ruhe

      Is that an angle that Obama could take? You know, just mention occasionally that "unlike you and me, Mr. Romney doesn't drink coffee. Weird, right?" Cause it is weird.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I don't drink coffee, but if you substituted the word "booze" or "liquor" for "coffee," then yeah.

  2. Goonemeritus

    If Romney becomes President I will be converting my assets to tangible commodities like can goods, ammunition and ass-chaps.

    1. AbandonHope

      My wife is adamant against my getting a gun. While I'm not enamored with them, I argue that we will need SOMETHING to defend us when society collapses and our cul-de-sac becomes its own nation-state.

  3. mavenmaven

    He has his money stashed away in secret accounts on the various worlds he is god of.

    1. Callyson

      "I mean, really, that's not very much money. I should qualify for the Earned Income Tax Credit if this is all I'm going to get paid."

  4. Sharkey

    So this one time R. Bradford Malt went in to a strip club. He was so enamored with one of the dancers, you know what he did?

    Malt licked her!

    1. TootsStansbury

      I am off worky work today and was wondering what to do. Ima going to go throw rocks. At stuff.

      1. prommie

        Apparently, when they are off where the poors can't see them, at their Bilderberg conferences and in their office high-rises, the oligarchy actually revels in their greed and they get together in groups to laugh loudly and hoot and jeer at us poors.

  5. JustPixelz

    BFD. I have 250 million too. WAIT .. Mitt's is dollars! Mine is a 250meg hard drive. Oh well, I'll bet even Mitt doesn't have one of those.

  6. RedneckMuslin

    Doesn't Mitt's money come from the trickling down from people making more money than him?

  7. PuckStopsHere

    Perhaps once in the hands of the Feds it will trickle down to the rest of us, as our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan intended.

  8. Ruhe

    I just received my latest 401K statement and I examined it closely. I was shocked to discover that there is no "steamer trunk" slice anywhere on that sad, sad pie.

  9. Schmannnity

    "Mitt Romney has agreed to put his vast chamber of gold doubloons under the control of somebody from the government to manage during his inevitable eight years of office."

    That's mighty accommodating of the Swiss government.

  10. JustPixelz

    With his money in a B-Rads blind trust, how will Mitt be able to pose for more high-larious photos with money falling out of his pockets? Perhaps a tax on poor people can fund that kind of important public relations effort.

  11. MissTaken

    Hey Wonketteers! Which one of the douchebags shown above eating money was on Daily Show last night trying to convince us (and failing!) that the investor class really does deserve more money to literally eat since they take "risks" and create "jobs"?

    1. SorosBot

      Taking those risks has certainly worked well for the rest of us when they created the housing bubble and crashed the economy.

    2. Not_So_Much

      I haven't watched it yet, but I heard Conard the Douchetastic was the guest. I'm really, really, really hoping Stewart took a big bite out of his ridiculous bullshit.

    3. deanbooth

      Everyone knows that giving money to the rich makes them work harder. Giving money to the poor, on the other hand, makes them lazy.

  12. freakishlywrong

    And very nearly half this idiotic country will vote for him. He could perform an abortion while having gay sex, it won't matter. As long as the (R) is there, they'll vote for him.

    1. Steverino247

      It's not the R after his name. It's the N in the White House (in the minds of voters) that will make this close.

    1. mbobier

      Money makes the world go around, of that we can be sure: pffffft on being poor — Mittens' motto?

  13. hagajim

    The whole pile put in steamer trunks? Does that make it a steaming pile, because Mittens sure is.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    I'll run the blind trust–$250 mil off the deficit. or Planned Parenting grants. Or Unemployment Checks.

    Thanks Mitt! Socialist-smiley-face-4-you–> :)

  15. Abernathy

    $250 million? That's nothing! I heard there's a public employee somewhere pulling in 38 large a year! Every year! Plus the promise of a pension upon retirement! Makes me so angry!

  16. anniegetyerfun

    So, he doesn't stash the money in a giant vault and roll around naked in it? Because that's what I would do.

  17. OneDollarJuana

    Why do I get the feeling that Joseph Smith's missing golden tablets are actually in Mitt's "blind" trust?

    1. Steverino247

      No, they were returned to the bathroom of the Alamo where they were originally found.

  18. calliecallie

    There's also $100 million in a trust for his four sons, as I recall. Will that go blind too? I'm betting Malt will continue to manage that in the same trusty fashion he has used with Mitten's money before now.

  19. SorosBot

    Poor Mitt, he's not going to be able to take his usual morning swim in his vault of gold coins.

  20. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I wish I had been skilled enough to have been born to wealthy parents. Instead I blew all my money on luxeries like food and shelter. Oh, and abortions. The abortionplex in my town now takes food stamps!

  21. Abernathy

    If R-Brad has any Wall Street cred, he'll find a way to bring down Romney's campaign and keep those sweet commissions flowing his way.

  22. Not_So_Much

    So, his car elevator operator makes like $800k per year? I haven't heard back on my application yet.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    The joke will be on him when he re-destroys the economy with all those Republican policies and then he steps down in eight years only to find his dollars are as valuable as Confederate money.

  24. prommie

    And Cheney was still on the Haliburton payroll, literally, literally they were writing him checks while he mongered war for them, and noone said "Boo." Fucking democracy my ass.

  25. randcoolcatdaddy

    R. Bradford Malt?

    Willard Romney?

    Don't any of these guys have names that don't sound like rich swells in a WC Fields movie?

  26. SayItWithWookies

    Mitt's solution to not knowing what's happening with his money is to lower his taxes enough to make up for any potential loss. He'll justify this by saying he's a job creator. For his children.

  27. OneYieldRegular

    Far from being inconsistent with Mitt Romney's politics, this seems to be in perfect harmony with his most basic convictions: a) that social concerns only matter insofar as they can be exploited as wedge issues to bring out the fundamentalist and bigot vote; b) that government is of, by and for the corporations are people too, my friend; and c) that we'll just conveniently overlook your being an enemy of the United States because $$$$$+.

  28. Antispandex

    I think he should just let 250 of his fellow citizens hold onto a million apiece, and then we could trickle some of it down into the economy, hence growing it for him even bigger, while improving the economy for everybody else! …Trust us.

  29. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mitt Romney has agreed to put his vast chamber of gold doubloons under the control of somebody from the government to manage

    Sadly, it should be pointed out, Dick Cheney is with the Government.

  30. superdave

    Didn't Mitt's so-called "blind" trust invest in one of his son's companies. That doesn't sound so blind to me.

  31. ttommyunger

    I know most of you are Heathens, so let me tell you that Biblically speaking, 7 is considered the perfect number. Seeing 7 perfect assholes in that picture just drove home the concept. You're welcome.

Comments are closed.