MO MONEY MO PROBLEMS  12:00 pm June 8, 2012

President Romney To Hand His Vast Fortune Over To Liberal Government Bureaucrats

by Josh Fruhlinger

Check his suit, every last dollar must be given to the Feds, to manageThis hasn’t been covered very extensively in the press, but it turns out that Mitt Romney is fairly well off! Apparently the latest figure being thrown around for his personal fortune is … $250 million? That seems like a lot! Most of the impoverished slobs who come into the White House are just happy to get their hands on that sweet, sweet $400,000 a year salary, but when someone with real money like Mitt gets his hands on the levers of power, the temptation would be strong to start exactly the right kind of wars that make all of his investments shoot through the roof. That’s why liberal communist Mitt Romney has agreed to put his vast chamber of gold doubloons under the control of somebody from the government to manage during his inevitable eight years of office. Why is this guy even bothering to fight for lower taxes if he loves giving the government his money so much?

Since before he became governor, Mitt Romney’s munnies have been in a “blind trust” run by a Boston lawyer with the hilariously WASPy name of R. Bradford Malt. But it turns out that maybe this blind trust isn’t so blind after all?

Malt bought and sold off a number of investments over the last several years that appeared to conflict with Romney’s political positions. Since 2010, as the presidential election neared, Malt has sold off a number of stocks in companies based in China and others that traded with Iran and backed stem cell research — all stances that Romney has opposed as a candidate.

Haha, so the easiest way to interpret this is that up until 2010 Romney was in favor of outsourcing all manufacturing to China, mining fetuses for their precious stem cells, and promoting Iran’s system of Islamic theocracy? Sounds about right to us!

Anyway, once he’s president, Romney’s big pile of money will be taken away from R-Brad (that’s his rap name) and put into a “federally qualified diversified blind trust,” and nobody — not Mitt Romney, not the public, not anybody — will be allowed to know what his investments are! Probably the whole thing will be converted into cash and allowed to sit in a series of steamer trunks in the basement of the Commerce Department, dusted occasionally by interns, and then nobody will remember where it is. It will still perform better than your 401k. [CSM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 97 comments }

nounverb911 June 8, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I hope Mitt hires Lehman Brothers.

Barb June 8, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Mitt is cool with this and yet, won't drink a Coca Cola. I'm just glad that he has some standards.

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

And he's a top-notch liar. Which is apparently A-ok with the Angel Morani. (yes, I meant that).

Mumbletypeg June 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I bet Moroni, safe from prying human perceptivity, is secretly the chocoholic of the angels' brat-pack.
Why else would Mitt be condoned by his clan as fudge-packer extraordinaire?

Ruhe June 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Is that an angle that Obama could take? You know, just mention occasionally that "unlike you and me, Mr. Romney doesn't drink coffee. Weird, right?" Cause it is weird.

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I don't drink coffee, but if you substituted the word "booze" or "liquor" for "coffee," then yeah.

AbandonHope June 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

"Mitt's the kinda guy I'd like to have a beer wi– oh, wait."

nounverb911 June 8, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Who's going to manage Mitt's offshore accounts?

cheetojeebus June 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Lets hope it's that punk chick with the dragon tattoo.

Barb June 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I'm hoping it will be the IRS.

Steverino247 June 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Captain Jack, obviously.

Chet Kincaid June 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Hopefully, the lazy and fun-loving stereotypes of the Malibu rum TV spots:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCZ8J72I1Yw&fe

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"Release the hounds".

Goonemeritus June 8, 2012 at 12:08 pm

If Romney becomes President I will be converting my assets to tangible commodities like can goods, ammunition and ass-chaps.

AbandonHope June 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

My wife is adamant against my getting a gun. While I'm not enamored with them, I argue that we will need SOMETHING to defend us when society collapses and our cul-de-sac becomes its own nation-state.

Sharkey June 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

He is to be commended on this brave decision.

mavenmaven June 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

He has his money stashed away in secret accounts on the various worlds he is god of.

Baconzgood June 8, 2012 at 12:10 pm

He'll bitch about paying taxes on the 400K too also.

Callyson June 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"I mean, really, that's not very much money. I should qualify for the Earned Income Tax Credit if this is all I'm going to get paid."

Sharkey June 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

So this one time R. Bradford Malt went in to a strip club. He was so enamored with one of the dancers, you know what he did?

Malt licked her!

Oblios_Cap June 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Har!

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Fists up!

PubOption June 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Is this Malt guy single, and of Scottish descent?

Sharkey June 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Not single, blanded.

chascates June 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Another Ponzi scheme, just like Social Security and Amway.

Chill_Bill June 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

If Willardo gets elected, all my money will go into Canadian banks.

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

My banks will be either Australian or Costa Rican.

TootsStansbury June 8, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I am investing in beads and collecting lots of shells.

ManchuCandidate June 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Maybe he should go with the Cheney plan. War for fun and profit.

prommie June 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Picture . . . Makes . . . Prommie . . . .Stabby

TootsStansbury June 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I am off worky work today and was wondering what to do. Ima going to go throw rocks. At stuff.

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Hiya, Toots!

TootsStansbury June 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Happy Friday Freak! Wanna go throw some rocks?

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Punch some crotches?

prommie June 8, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Apparently, when they are off where the poors can't see them, at their Bilderberg conferences and in their office high-rises, the oligarchy actually revels in their greed and they get together in groups to laugh loudly and hoot and jeer at us poors.

JustPixelz June 8, 2012 at 12:13 pm

BFD. I have 250 million too. WAIT .. Mitt's is dollars! Mine is a 250meg hard drive. Oh well, I'll bet even Mitt doesn't have one of those.

GuyClinch June 8, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I'm putting all my money in dressage whips

RedneckMuslin June 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Doesn't Mitt's money come from the trickling down from people making more money than him?

PuckStopsHere June 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Perhaps once in the hands of the Feds it will trickle down to the rest of us, as our Lord and Savior Ronald Reagan intended.

Ruhe June 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I just received my latest 401K statement and I examined it closely. I was shocked to discover that there is no "steamer trunk" slice anywhere on that sad, sad pie.

Schmannnity June 8, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"Mitt Romney has agreed to put his vast chamber of gold doubloons under the control of somebody from the government to manage during his inevitable eight years of office."

That's mighty accommodating of the Swiss government.

JustPixelz June 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

With his money in a B-Rads blind trust, how will Mitt be able to pose for more high-larious photos with money falling out of his pockets? Perhaps a tax on poor people can fund that kind of important public relations effort.

MissTaken June 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Hey Wonketteers! Which one of the douchebags shown above eating money was on Daily Show last night trying to convince us (and failing!) that the investor class really does deserve more money to literally eat since they take "risks" and create "jobs"?

SorosBot June 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Taking those risks has certainly worked well for the rest of us when they created the housing bubble and crashed the economy.

anniegetyerfun June 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

AOTK? I don't have a TV.

Not_So_Much June 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I haven't watched it yet, but I heard Conard the Douchetastic was the guest. I'm really, really, really hoping Stewart took a big bite out of his ridiculous bullshit.

MissTaken June 8, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Stewart did, and it was beautiful.

deanbooth June 8, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Everyone knows that giving money to the rich makes them work harder. Giving money to the poor, on the other hand, makes them lazy.

SorosBot June 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

Well OK, just after noon really.

metamarcisf June 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Michael Milken is looking for a gig.

nounverb911 June 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm

He was promoting prostate cancer during the Yankee game last night.

freakishlywrong June 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

And very nearly half this idiotic country will vote for him. He could perform an abortion while having gay sex, it won't matter. As long as the (R) is there, they'll vote for him.

Steverino247 June 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm

It's not the R after his name. It's the N in the White House (in the minds of voters) that will make this close.

Oblios_Cap June 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

That's a lot of Hobo Beanz!

EloquentScience June 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

What's on Rmoney's iPod?
* Baby You're a Rich Man
* Money (That's What I Want)
* Can't Buy Me Love
* Money – Pink Floyd

Anything I left out?

TootsStansbury June 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Money Makes the World go 'Round

metamarcisf June 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

"Waving My Dick in the Wind" by Ween

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Taxman – Beatles/G Harrison

PubOption June 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Working for the Yankee Dollar.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm
C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Andrew Drinker June 8, 2012 at 12:44 pm
mbobier June 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Money makes the world go around, of that we can be sure: pffffft on being poor — Mittens' motto?

Sharkey June 8, 2012 at 12:47 pm

"For the Love of Money" – The O'Jays

iburl June 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

401K = 401 guys as pictured above eating your money.

hagajim June 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

The whole pile put in steamer trunks? Does that make it a steaming pile, because Mittens sure is.

Mittens Howell, III June 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I'll run the blind trust–$250 mil off the deficit. or Planned Parenting grants. Or Unemployment Checks.

Thanks Mitt! Socialist-smiley-face-4-you–> :)

barto June 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Maybe, hopefully, Bernie Madhoff could manage it from his cell? Seems like a good fit.

Abernathy June 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

$250 million? That's nothing! I heard there's a public employee somewhere pulling in 38 large a year! Every year! Plus the promise of a pension upon retirement! Makes me so angry!

prommie June 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Who do they think they are, those bastards and their union!

anniegetyerfun June 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

So, he doesn't stash the money in a giant vault and roll around naked in it? Because that's what I would do.

OneDollarJuana June 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Why do I get the feeling that Joseph Smith's missing golden tablets are actually in Mitt's "blind" trust?

Steverino247 June 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm

No, they were returned to the bathroom of the Alamo where they were originally found.

calliecallie June 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

There's also $100 million in a trust for his four sons, as I recall. Will that go blind too? I'm betting Malt will continue to manage that in the same trusty fashion he has used with Mitten's money before now.

SorosBot June 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Poor Mitt, he's not going to be able to take his usual morning swim in his vault of gold coins.

TootsStansbury June 8, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Treasure Bath!!!!!!

Whoops! Wash this one.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I wish I had been skilled enough to have been born to wealthy parents. Instead I blew all my money on luxeries like food and shelter. Oh, and abortions. The abortionplex in my town now takes food stamps!

AbandonHope June 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

That's nothing. My foodplex takes abortion stamps.

Abernathy June 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

If R-Brad has any Wall Street cred, he'll find a way to bring down Romney's campaign and keep those sweet commissions flowing his way.

C_R_Eature June 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I'd like to see The Crimson Permanent Assurance Company get hold of his assets.

MosesInvests June 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

And sail upon the wide accountan-sea.

Not_So_Much June 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

So, his car elevator operator makes like $800k per year? I haven't heard back on my application yet.

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 12:39 pm

The joke will be on him when he re-destroys the economy with all those Republican policies and then he steps down in eight years only to find his dollars are as valuable as Confederate money.

Abernathy June 8, 2012 at 12:39 pm

This picture has always looked like a pre-orgy portrait to me.

BaldarTFlagass June 8, 2012 at 12:47 pm

"Wallets Wide Shut"?

Abernathy June 8, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Starring Mittens de Sade

scvirginia June 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm

A lot of people got screwed, but the pic is of the only ones who enjoyed it.

prommie June 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

And Cheney was still on the Haliburton payroll, literally, literally they were writing him checks while he mongered war for them, and noone said "Boo." Fucking democracy my ass.

randcoolcatdaddy June 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

R. Bradford Malt?

Willard Romney?

Don't any of these guys have names that don't sound like rich swells in a WC Fields movie?

niblick77 June 8, 2012 at 1:07 pm

The Bradford Malt is OK but I prefer the Bradford Stout!

SayItWithWookies June 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Mitt's solution to not knowing what's happening with his money is to lower his taxes enough to make up for any potential loss. He'll justify this by saying he's a job creator. For his children.

OneYieldRegular June 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Far from being inconsistent with Mitt Romney's politics, this seems to be in perfect harmony with his most basic convictions: a) that social concerns only matter insofar as they can be exploited as wedge issues to bring out the fundamentalist and bigot vote; b) that government is of, by and for the corporations are people too, my friend; and c) that we'll just conveniently overlook your being an enemy of the United States because $$$$$+.

Antispandex June 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I think he should just let 250 of his fellow citizens hold onto a million apiece, and then we could trickle some of it down into the economy, hence growing it for him even bigger, while improving the economy for everybody else! …Trust us.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Mitt Romney has agreed to put his vast chamber of gold doubloons under the control of somebody from the government to manage

Sadly, it should be pointed out, Dick Cheney is with the Government.

superdave June 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Didn't Mitt's so-called "blind" trust invest in one of his son's companies. That doesn't sound so blind to me.

ttommyunger June 8, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I know most of you are Heathens, so let me tell you that Biblically speaking, 7 is considered the perfect number. Seeing 7 perfect assholes in that picture just drove home the concept. You're welcome.

prommie June 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Blow things up?

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