If you got together a big private party full of Shell Oil Company VIPs in a posh location like the Seattle Space Needle to celebrate the impending start to their new Arctic drilling project off the coast of Alaska, and they decided to mark the occasion by building a scale replica of the real life oil rig going to the Arctic and this oil rig was made by the same people who built the Deepwater Horizon rig and this scale model rig was designed to neatly dispense alcohol for party guests, what do you think must inevitably occur with all that symbolic setup sitting around tempting fate? Occupy Seattle activist Logan Price was able to sneak in there and find out: “It all started with a malfunction…. of the event’s centerpiece, a scale model of the Kulluk, one of the rigs heading up north, which was sitting in a basin of liquor (rum and coke?) next to an ice sculpture in the shape of an iceberg…” Oh dear. We like where this is going. **UPDATE: Your Wonkette editor is a terrible, gullible person and the story is apparently a sad fake and we are ashamed. Oh well.**

Without further delay, here are the guests of the Shell oil party acting out their own adaptation of the horror of an exploding oil rig:

More from Price:

I guess the photo-op was meant to be a symbolic tapping of the Arctic. There was a ridiculous three-foot-high scale model of their Arctic drilling rig, the Kulluk, and the mini-rig had a tap to pump liquor for the guests.

The guest of honor was an elderly Japanese man introduced as the original Chief Engineer of the Kulluk rig who used to work at Mitsui back in the ’80s. But when the man went to turn on the ‘rig,’ the liquor went everywhere – and the first to be hit was another elderly guest, the widow of the man who’d actually designed the Kulluk back in the 1980s.

The guy in charge kept asking the old engineer to fix it but he obviously had no idea how to turn it off. Shell’s PR people got REALLY worked up, and the designer’s widow started yelling. At this point the guy who was presenting the new ad campaign told me to turn off my camera and got pretty aggressive.

PATHOS. We love it. [Occupy Seattle/Treehugger]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Wonderthing

    The video and the party is a hoax. Seriously. You can look it up.

    • nounverb911

      Do you know what else was a giant hoax?

      • Wonderthing
        • TribecaMike

          The Yes Men strike again!???

          • montreal_bruin

            Yes, man!!

        • Way to ruin it for everybody, Captain Buzzkill!

          (Just kidding – thanks for the link.)

      • Mitt Romney's entire existence?

      • flamingpdog

        Compassionate conservatism?

      • Wile E. Quixote

        The Iranian nuclear threat.
        Iraqi WMDs?
        That Sudanese chemical weapons factory.
        The crack epidemic?
        The Missile Gap.

      • The existence of Donald Trump?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        George W's first "election"?

        • RavenRant

          Also, his second.

      • chascates

        America is the land of opportunity?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Hoax, or "It wasn't us, it was our PR firm?"

      Here's the relevant evasion and counter:

      …a Shell spokesman said, “I can confirm that this was not a Shell event.” Shell’s name does not appear in the video, but the company’s logo is visible on the model oil rig.

      However, Logan Price, the activist who uploaded the video to YouTube insists that it is real and un-staged, and that the event, called “New Frontiers: A Celebration of Seattle’s Energy Leaders” was held by PR firm Wainwright & Shore.

      • TribecaMike

        Thus proving that "celebrating" filthy rich oil execs is sick in itself.

  • nounverb911

    I keep waiting for the Space Noodle to get limp and fall over.

    • flamingpdog

      It'll never get limp as long as it wants to Mount Rainier.

  • Barb

    Did they serve eyeless shrimp with cocktail sauce too?

    • nounverb911
      • Geminisunmars

        Looks like another hoax.

  • If they had flooded the Gulf with rum and coke, everyone would have been much happier.

    • Barb

      Yeah, but we would have been too drunk to fish. Now that is pretty freaking drunk!

      • SorosBot

        But the fish would be drunk and easier to catch!

        • Barb

          Damn, you are one smart cookie, Soros.

        • Perhaps not eyeless, but definitely legless.

          • I had an Aussie housemate for a while, and periodically she would dig out her stash of Cloudy Bay and invite me to join her in getting legless.

      • flamingpdog

        People fish without getting drunk?

  • Wonderthing
    • not that Radio

      Yes, that is what the Shell shills keep saying.

      LeAnne Sanville, a spokeswoman for Wainwright & Shore confirmed that the firm did in fact host the event in the form of an official statement from the firm’s communications manager. However, she would not comment on whether anyone from Shell was present.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      You're moms a hoax.

      • Wonderthing

        Sure, why not. She's dead anyway.

  • The Yes Men strike again, KUDOS!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Don't worry they'll have it working in ten minutes to six months.

  • nounverb911

    Can Sarah Palin see it explode from her house?

  • TribecaMike

    This has to be a fake. No way in hell could that little decanter hold enough booze to slake the thirsts of a roomful of oil execs.

  • Barb

    Pedobear is still real, right?

    • flamingpdog

      He's still going on trial in University Park, isn't he?

  • Schmannnity

    Needs more flambe'.

  • coolhandnuke

    Joseph Hazelwood was the designated driver for the bash.

  • badgitator

    Should've stuck with something classy, like little cherubs urinating vodka.

    • nounverb911

      Too expensive, Costco just privatized liquor sales in WA and the prices went up 27%.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Needed to burst into flames, for best effect.

  • GortRay

    Smithers! Release the hounds!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Okay, so it's a hoax, but can we still build this thing to dispense liquor for Barb's big beach party in La Jolla?

  • rickmaci

    So I am sure they tried to throw a plastic boom around the spill and doused the room with Corexit 9500 dispersant because that is all these asshats know how do with a spill. Hope they weren't having fish for lunch.

  • edgydrifter

    If this were real, everyone standing within five feet of the rig would have been killed by scalding rum, the Mariners would have had to cancel their season and Shell's CEO would have received a $3.8 million dollar bonus.

    • nounverb911

      If the Mariners cancel their season would anyone notice?

      • flamingpdog


      • edgydrifter

        ICHIRO LIBEL!!

        • nounverb911

          There might not be an "I" in team, but there certainly are 2 in Ichiro.

  • TribecaMike

    "Relax granny, gin is our friend!"

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is great news — now Shell has learned their lesson about preparedness and safety in such a delicate environment, and since they're tuned in to the consequences of carelessness, you can bet it'll never happen in the field. Private enterprise has saved us again!

  • flamingpdog

    OK, who gets to administer the spanking of Kirsten Boyd Johnson?

    • KBoydJohnson


    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      That oil rig did look a little like the grail beacon from Castle Anthrax…

    • She's not speaking to ME any more, might as well be YOU, I guess.

      Oh, KBJ, I carry such a monster torch for you-hoo-hoo!

      To no avail. The hairy little rodent scores again.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Too soon.

  • mavenmaven

    James O'Keefe strikes again! It must be his fault somehow.

  • SorosBot

    Booze, oil and Alaska – hmm why does that combination sound familiar and take me back to seventh grade…

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    The real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to ask President Obama to resign.

    • TribecaMike

      Agreed, but first I demand to see Obama's liquor license.

  • CommieLibunatic

    Hoax? Aw… It was fun while it lasted, I guess.

    Also, fuck the dicknozzlez who made the video for getting my hopes up.

  • ttommyunger

    It's not hubris if you own Congress and the White House and have more money than God; it's just reality.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hoax schmoax. Since when does the fact that it totally didn't happen stop us from making fun of a story?

  • TribecaMike

    Unfortunately, the camera didn't catch Shell CEO Peter Voser performing his illustrious anal beads trick, renowned in board rooms across the globe.

  • chascates

    "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" And I'm sorry I sent this tip then.

    • Looks like it might have been a prank by Occupy.

      • chascates

        And a fine one, I might add.

    • UW8316154

      I read it this morning on the Seattle Times site and vaguely thought "huh, that's weird, people still go to the Space Needle?"

  • fitley

    It was probably wrong for me to laugh as much as I did at the elderly lady squealing as she got Dana Loesched by that rig.

  • barto

    Point is, it COULD happen. In fact, it's likely.

  • Billmatic

    i know it hurts us deep down in our bleeding hearts but it's generally a good rule of thumb to assume anything labeled "occupy" is completely untrustworthy, manipulative, anarchist nonsense.

  • calliecallie

    Barto's right. In fact it probably will happen. Remember how many months it took them to stop that spill in the Gulf? In warm weather, with so much equipment fairly close by to come to the rescue? How long you think it will take to stop a spill in the Arctic in, say, February? Asshats. I wish this video was real.

  • comrad_darkness

    The guy who says to turn off the camera gets my emmy nomination. If I had one, that is.

Previous articleJeb Bush, Liberated By His Own Irrelevance, Says GOP Is ‘Short-Sighted’
Next articleJonah Goldberg Still Babbling About Stupid Young People