HIGH CONCEPT  5:35 pm June 7, 2012

Shell Celebrates New Arctic Drilling With Malfunctioning Oil Rig-Themed Party (UPDATE: SUPER FAKE)

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

If you got together a big private party full of Shell Oil Company VIPs in a posh location like the Seattle Space Needle to celebrate the impending start to their new Arctic drilling project off the coast of Alaska, and they decided to mark the occasion by building a scale replica of the real life oil rig going to the Arctic and this oil rig was made by the same people who built the Deepwater Horizon rig and this scale model rig was designed to neatly dispense alcohol for party guests, what do you think must inevitably occur with all that symbolic setup sitting around tempting fate? Occupy Seattle activist Logan Price was able to sneak in there and find out: “It all started with a malfunction…. of the event’s centerpiece, a scale model of the Kulluk, one of the rigs heading up north, which was sitting in a basin of liquor (rum and coke?) next to an ice sculpture in the shape of an iceberg…” Oh dear. We like where this is going. **UPDATE: Your Wonkette editor is a terrible, gullible person and the story is apparently a sad fake and we are ashamed. Oh well.**

Without further delay, here are the guests of the Shell oil party acting out their own adaptation of the horror of an exploding oil rig:

More from Price:

I guess the photo-op was meant to be a symbolic tapping of the Arctic. There was a ridiculous three-foot-high scale model of their Arctic drilling rig, the Kulluk, and the mini-rig had a tap to pump liquor for the guests.

The guest of honor was an elderly Japanese man introduced as the original Chief Engineer of the Kulluk rig who used to work at Mitsui back in the ’80s. But when the man went to turn on the ‘rig,’ the liquor went everywhere – and the first to be hit was another elderly guest, the widow of the man who’d actually designed the Kulluk back in the 1980s.

The guy in charge kept asking the old engineer to fix it but he obviously had no idea how to turn it off. Shell’s PR people got REALLY worked up, and the designer’s widow started yelling. At this point the guy who was presenting the new ad campaign told me to turn off my camera and got pretty aggressive.

PATHOS. We love it. [Occupy Seattle/Treehugger]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 78 comments }

Wonderthing June 7, 2012 at 5:37 pm

The video and the party is a hoax. Seriously. You can look it up.

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Do you know what else was a giant hoax?

Wonderthing June 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm
TribecaMike June 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

The Yes Men strike again!???

montreal_bruin June 7, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Yes, man!!

Sharkey June 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Way to ruin it for everybody, Captain Buzzkill!

(Just kidding – thanks for the link.)

iburl June 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Mitt Romney's entire existence?

flamingpdog June 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Compassionate conservatism?

Wile E. Quixote June 7, 2012 at 6:02 pm

The Iranian nuclear threat.
Iraqi WMDs?
That Sudanese chemical weapons factory.
The crack epidemic?
The Missile Gap.

Infrogmation June 7, 2012 at 6:12 pm

The existence of Donald Trump?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 7, 2012 at 6:40 pm

George W's first "election"?

RavenRant June 7, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Also, his second.

chascates June 7, 2012 at 7:15 pm

America is the land of opportunity?

SayItWithWookies June 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Hoax, or "It wasn't us, it was our PR firm?"

Here's the relevant evasion and counter:

…a Shell spokesman said, “I can confirm that this was not a Shell event.” Shell’s name does not appear in the video, but the company’s logo is visible on the model oil rig.

However, Logan Price, the activist who uploaded the video to YouTube insists that it is real and un-staged, and that the event, called “New Frontiers: A Celebration of Seattle’s Energy Leaders” was held by PR firm Wainwright & Shore.

TribecaMike June 7, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Thus proving that "celebrating" filthy rich oil execs is sick in itself.

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I keep waiting for the Space Noodle to get limp and fall over.

flamingpdog June 7, 2012 at 5:57 pm

It'll never get limp as long as it wants to Mount Rainier.

Barb June 7, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Did they serve eyeless shrimp with cocktail sauce too?

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 5:40 pm

And Geoduck.

Geminisunmars June 7, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Looks like another hoax.

starfanglednut June 7, 2012 at 5:38 pm

If they had flooded the Gulf with rum and coke, everyone would have been much happier.

Barb June 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Yeah, but we would have been too drunk to fish. Now that is pretty freaking drunk!

SorosBot June 7, 2012 at 5:58 pm

But the fish would be drunk and easier to catch!

Barb June 7, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Damn, you are one smart cookie, Soros.

starfanglednut June 7, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Perhaps not eyeless, but definitely legless.

MittBorg June 7, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I had an Aussie housemate for a while, and periodically she would dig out her stash of Cloudy Bay and invite me to join her in getting legless.

flamingpdog June 7, 2012 at 6:01 pm

People fish without getting drunk?

MittBorg June 7, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I hear that rumour.

starfanglednut June 7, 2012 at 9:26 pm

At the bar.

Wonderthing June 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm
not that Radio June 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Yes, that is what the Shell shills keep saying.

LeAnne Sanville, a spokeswoman for Wainwright & Shore confirmed that the firm did in fact host the event in the form of an official statement from the firm’s communications manager. However, she would not comment on whether anyone from Shell was present.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm

You're moms a hoax.

Wonderthing June 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Sure, why not. She's dead anyway.

iburl June 7, 2012 at 5:41 pm

The Yes Men strike again, KUDOS!

SayItWithWookies June 7, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Don't worry they'll have it working in ten minutes to six months.

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Can Sarah Palin see it explode from her house?

TribecaMike June 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

This has to be a fake. No way in hell could that little decanter hold enough booze to slake the thirsts of a roomful of oil execs.

Barb June 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Pedobear is still real, right?

flamingpdog June 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

He's still going on trial in University Park, isn't he?

Schmannnity June 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Needs more flambe'.

coolhandnuke June 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Joseph Hazelwood was the designated driver for the bash.

badgitator June 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Should've stuck with something classy, like little cherubs urinating vodka.

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Too expensive, Costco just privatized liquor sales in WA and the prices went up 27%.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Needed to burst into flames, for best effect.

GortRay June 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Smithers! Release the hounds!

OneYieldRegular June 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Okay, so it's a hoax, but can we still build this thing to dispense liquor for Barb's big beach party in La Jolla?

rickmaci June 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm

So I am sure they tried to throw a plastic boom around the spill and doused the room with Corexit 9500 dispersant because that is all these asshats know how do with a spill. Hope they weren't having fish for lunch.

edgydrifter June 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

If this were real, everyone standing within five feet of the rig would have been killed by scalding rum, the Mariners would have had to cancel their season and Shell's CEO would have received a $3.8 million dollar bonus.

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 5:51 pm

If the Mariners cancel their season would anyone notice?

flamingpdog June 7, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Who?

edgydrifter June 7, 2012 at 5:58 pm

ICHIRO LIBEL!!

nounverb911 June 7, 2012 at 6:02 pm

There might not be an "I" in team, but there certainly are 2 in Ichiro.

TribecaMike June 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

"Relax granny, gin is our friend!"

SayItWithWookies June 7, 2012 at 5:49 pm

This is great news — now Shell has learned their lesson about preparedness and safety in such a delicate environment, and since they're tuned in to the consequences of carelessness, you can bet it'll never happen in the field. Private enterprise has saved us again!

flamingpdog June 7, 2012 at 5:54 pm

OK, who gets to administer the spanking of Kirsten Boyd Johnson?

KBoydJohnson June 7, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Goody!

Doktor StrangeZoom June 7, 2012 at 6:07 pm

That oil rig did look a little like the grail beacon from Castle Anthrax…

MittBorg June 7, 2012 at 7:23 pm

She's not speaking to ME any more, might as well be YOU, I guess.

Oh, KBJ, I carry such a monster torch for you-hoo-hoo!

To no avail. The hairy little rodent scores again.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 8, 2012 at 9:31 am

Too soon.

mavenmaven June 7, 2012 at 5:59 pm

James O'Keefe strikes again! It must be his fault somehow.

SorosBot June 7, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Booze, oil and Alaska – hmm why does that combination sound familiar and take me back to seventh grade…

Doktor StrangeZoom June 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm

The real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to ask President Obama to resign.

TribecaMike June 7, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Agreed, but first I demand to see Obama's liquor license.

starfanglednut June 7, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Long form!

CommieLibunatic June 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Hoax? Aw… It was fun while it lasted, I guess.

Also, fuck the dicknozzlez who made the video for getting my hopes up.

ttommyunger June 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm

It's not hubris if you own Congress and the White House and have more money than God; it's just reality.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 7, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Hoax schmoax. Since when does the fact that it totally didn't happen stop us from making fun of a story?

TribecaMike June 7, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Unfortunately, the camera didn't catch Shell CEO Peter Voser performing his illustrious anal beads trick, renowned in board rooms across the globe.

chascates June 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" And I'm sorry I sent this tip then.

MittBorg June 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Looks like it might have been a prank by Occupy.

chascates June 7, 2012 at 7:32 pm

And a fine one, I might add.

MittBorg June 7, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Indeed!

UW8316154 June 7, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I read it this morning on the Seattle Times site and vaguely thought "huh, that's weird, people still go to the Space Needle?"

fitley June 7, 2012 at 9:07 pm

It was probably wrong for me to laugh as much as I did at the elderly lady squealing as she got Dana Loesched by that rig.

barto June 7, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Point is, it COULD happen. In fact, it's likely.

Billmatic June 8, 2012 at 10:21 am

i know it hurts us deep down in our bleeding hearts but it's generally a good rule of thumb to assume anything labeled "occupy" is completely untrustworthy, manipulative, anarchist nonsense.

calliecallie June 8, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Barto's right. In fact it probably will happen. Remember how many months it took them to stop that spill in the Gulf? In warm weather, with so much equipment fairly close by to come to the rescue? How long you think it will take to stop a spill in the Arctic in, say, February? Asshats. I wish this video was real.

comrad_darkness June 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

The guy who says to turn off the camera gets my emmy nomination. If I had one, that is.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: