high concept

Shell Celebrates New Arctic Drilling With Malfunctioning Oil Rig-Themed Party (UPDATE: SUPER FAKE)

If you got together a big private party full of Shell Oil Company VIPs in a posh location like the Seattle Space Needle to celebrate the impending start to their new Arctic drilling project off the coast of Alaska, and they decided to mark the occasion by building a scale replica of the real life oil rig going to the Arctic and this oil rig was made by the same people who built the Deepwater Horizon rig and this scale model rig was designed to neatly dispense alcohol for party guests, what do you think must inevitably occur with all that symbolic setup sitting around tempting fate? Occupy Seattle activist Logan Price was able to sneak in there and find out: “It all started with a malfunction…. of the event’s centerpiece, a scale model of the Kulluk, one of the rigs heading up north, which was sitting in a basin of liquor (rum and coke?) next to an ice sculpture in the shape of an iceberg…” Oh dear. We like where this is going. **UPDATE: Your Wonkette editor is a terrible, gullible person and the story is apparently a sad fake and we are ashamed. Oh well.**

Without further delay, here are the guests of the Shell oil party acting out their own adaptation of the horror of an exploding oil rig:

More from Price:

I guess the photo-op was meant to be a symbolic tapping of the Arctic. There was a ridiculous three-foot-high scale model of their Arctic drilling rig, the Kulluk, and the mini-rig had a tap to pump liquor for the guests.

The guest of honor was an elderly Japanese man introduced as the original Chief Engineer of the Kulluk rig who used to work at Mitsui back in the ’80s. But when the man went to turn on the ‘rig,’ the liquor went everywhere – and the first to be hit was another elderly guest, the widow of the man who’d actually designed the Kulluk back in the 1980s.

The guy in charge kept asking the old engineer to fix it but he obviously had no idea how to turn it off. Shell’s PR people got REALLY worked up, and the designer’s widow started yelling. At this point the guy who was presenting the new ad campaign told me to turn off my camera and got pretty aggressive.

PATHOS. We love it. [Occupy Seattle/Treehugger]

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      1. Wile E. Quixote

        The Iranian nuclear threat.
        Iraqi WMDs?
        That Sudanese chemical weapons factory.
        The crack epidemic?
        The Missile Gap.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Hoax, or "It wasn't us, it was our PR firm?"

      Here's the relevant evasion and counter:

      …a Shell spokesman said, “I can confirm that this was not a Shell event.” Shell’s name does not appear in the video, but the company’s logo is visible on the model oil rig.

      However, Logan Price, the activist who uploaded the video to YouTube insists that it is real and un-staged, and that the event, called “New Frontiers: A Celebration of Seattle’s Energy Leaders” was held by PR firm Wainwright & Shore.

          1. MittBorg

            I had an Aussie housemate for a while, and periodically she would dig out her stash of Cloudy Bay and invite me to join her in getting legless.

    1. not that Radio

      Yes, that is what the Shell shills keep saying.

      LeAnne Sanville, a spokeswoman for Wainwright & Shore confirmed that the firm did in fact host the event in the form of an official statement from the firm’s communications manager. However, she would not comment on whether anyone from Shell was present.

  1. TribecaMike

    This has to be a fake. No way in hell could that little decanter hold enough booze to slake the thirsts of a roomful of oil execs.

    1. nounverb911

      Too expensive, Costco just privatized liquor sales in WA and the prices went up 27%.

  2. OneYieldRegular

    Okay, so it's a hoax, but can we still build this thing to dispense liquor for Barb's big beach party in La Jolla?

  3. rickmaci

    So I am sure they tried to throw a plastic boom around the spill and doused the room with Corexit 9500 dispersant because that is all these asshats know how do with a spill. Hope they weren't having fish for lunch.

  4. edgydrifter

    If this were real, everyone standing within five feet of the rig would have been killed by scalding rum, the Mariners would have had to cancel their season and Shell's CEO would have received a $3.8 million dollar bonus.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    This is great news — now Shell has learned their lesson about preparedness and safety in such a delicate environment, and since they're tuned in to the consequences of carelessness, you can bet it'll never happen in the field. Private enterprise has saved us again!

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      That oil rig did look a little like the grail beacon from Castle Anthrax…

    2. MittBorg

      She's not speaking to ME any more, might as well be YOU, I guess.

      Oh, KBJ, I carry such a monster torch for you-hoo-hoo!

      To no avail. The hairy little rodent scores again.

  6. SorosBot

    Booze, oil and Alaska – hmm why does that combination sound familiar and take me back to seventh grade…

  7. Doktor StrangeZoom

    The real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to ask President Obama to resign.

  8. CommieLibunatic

    Hoax? Aw… It was fun while it lasted, I guess.

    Also, fuck the dicknozzlez who made the video for getting my hopes up.

  9. ttommyunger

    It's not hubris if you own Congress and the White House and have more money than God; it's just reality.

  10. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hoax schmoax. Since when does the fact that it totally didn't happen stop us from making fun of a story?

  11. TribecaMike

    Unfortunately, the camera didn't catch Shell CEO Peter Voser performing his illustrious anal beads trick, renowned in board rooms across the globe.

    1. UW8316154

      I read it this morning on the Seattle Times site and vaguely thought "huh, that's weird, people still go to the Space Needle?"

  12. fitley

    It was probably wrong for me to laugh as much as I did at the elderly lady squealing as she got Dana Loesched by that rig.

  13. Billmatic

    i know it hurts us deep down in our bleeding hearts but it's generally a good rule of thumb to assume anything labeled "occupy" is completely untrustworthy, manipulative, anarchist nonsense.

  14. calliecallie

    Barto's right. In fact it probably will happen. Remember how many months it took them to stop that spill in the Gulf? In warm weather, with so much equipment fairly close by to come to the rescue? How long you think it will take to stop a spill in the Arctic in, say, February? Asshats. I wish this video was real.

  15. comrad_darkness

    The guy who says to turn off the camera gets my emmy nomination. If I had one, that is.

Comments are closed.