Are you listening carefully, young folks?

Country club gossip bulletin the New York Times has finally done the important journalistic work of sending a reporter down to southern California to lurk around the driveway of Mitt Romney’s beachfront La Jolla mansion and quiz the neighbors for dirt on all of his annoying domestic habits. It’s mostly standard suburban neighbor drama queen fare — he parks the family’s fleet of Cadillacs directly in front of everyone’s driveways and he won’t let anyone’s dogs poop on his lawn for free, probably. We skimmed it. That is, until we came across a very delightful anecdote about how Mitt Romney likes to spend his beachfront constitutionals combing for young local marijuana users in need of a sharp talking-to. Because some people seem unaware of the existence of laws prohibiting public cannabis consumption, ahem.

You are commanded to picture Mitt Romney wearing pleated shorts with socks hiked up to his knees and a starched beanie cap on his head as you read this:

The Romneys rarely entertain neighbors, but they have tried to weave themselves into the fabric of local life. Mr. Romney and his wife take regular walks around La Jolla, exchanging pleasantries with fellow strollers and occasionally enforcing the law. A young man in town recalled that Mr. Romney confronted him as he smoked marijuana and drank on the beach last summer, demanding that he stop.

The issue appears to be a recurring nuisance for the Romneys. Mr. Quint, who lives on the waterfront near Mr. Romney, said that a police officer had asked him, on a weekend when the candidate was in town, to report any pot smoking on the beach. The officer explained to him that “your neighbors have complained,” Mr. Quint recalled. “He was pretty clear that it was the Romneys.”

Your Wonkette is now tempted to acquire some of this marijuana and go down to La Jolla to sit on the beach with a joint just to see if Mitt Romney will pop out from behind a rock to deliver a scold. What terrifying fun! [NYT]

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  • Barb

    My father-in-law lives near Mitt on the beach in La Jolla and I know that he has um, glaucoma.

    I just looked down at my keys and I have a key to the beach house. Who wants to go?

    • *raising hand*

      I'll bring my camera equipment!

      We can shoot Mitt too.

    • OneYieldRegular

      This may be the best Wonkette social gathering EVER. I will drive down in a rented Yugo if I have to.

    • Callyson

      Rushing to pack a swimsuit and flip flops before hustling to get to the fuck – oh – fuck (known to LA locals as the 405)…

    • Fairtackle

      I say we hold him down and blow smoke in his ear.

      • Sheamus' Revenge

        Oh, stop judging! Who among us hasn't shot-gunned a dog once in his or her life?

        • James Michael Curley

          Don't bother with cats. They just blink, look at you and then ask when you're going to clean their litter box.

          • tessiee

            One of my late kitties used to love pot smoke, until he got too close to the person smoking and singed a whisker.

      • ibwilliamsi

        Does he have an earache?

    • Limeylizzie

      My brother and sister-in-law live in La Jolla, we can have a compound!

      • Barb

        Jeff and I planned our wedding in La Jolla, at The Cove. Then we decided that we wanted to elope instead, pissing off many people.

    • fartknocker

      I'll be the kitchen bitch and make you stoners some really tasty munchies! I'll stop at Ralph's on Garnett on my way over to the crib.

    • Steverino247

      Only if he has access to Black's Beach, too. I'll pass on the weed, but will happily participate in the aftermath of others using.

    • nonbeliever7

      I'll bring a case of Mountain Dew.
      (looks down)
      Ok…ok. Diet Mountain Dew

    • WIDTAP

      This sound like an event just prime for all-night beach sing-a-longs. Finally a truely appropriate place for those of us with no sense of pitch or rhythm.

      • tessiee

        Dave Barry has a story about how he and his friends (a bunch of middle-aged white guys) went to some concert, and not only were *none* of them able to clap on the beat, they "never, no matter how eternally long the song went on, managed to clap at the same time".

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Me, me, me! I know I'm late but I was working all day!

      P.S. I can bring a car full of free craft beer.

      • Barb

        I wouldn't have a party without my Dawg!

    • jakegittes

      I'll bring some dope. And the marijuana, too.

    • redarmyzombie


      I'd offer to bring some Bitchin' reefer, but is seems others have beat me to it.

      • Barb

        Bring it for when we slip away from everyone else, lol.

    • Vecchiojohn

      I tried to drive through La Jolla once and I set off the poor people detector.

  • nounverb911

    "a starched beanie cap"
    Mitt's Jewish?

    • I think it's the propellor kind that he had to wear in his "eating club".

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Life member of the Beany & Cecil Fan Club.

      • tessiee

        A Bob Clampett cartoo-oon!

    • Arken

      Mormons call non-Mormons 'gentiles.' True fact.

    • scvirginia

      Maybe it's his hair, but I have no trouble picturing Mittens wearing Jughead Jones' headgear…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Hey pesky kids, get off my sand!!

  • I would have looked him in the eye, taken a deep toke, sucked down some beer, and belched, "Nice wife. Which factory she from?"

    • tessiee

      Or, as George Carlin suggested, "Who's the cunt?"

  • Estproph

    He's just pissed that Quint's a bogart.

    • jjdaddyo

      I think the Times is just fucking with us now: "Mr. Quint, who lives on the waterfront"?
      Are they sure he wasn't out hunting for a giant shark with Matt Hooper and Sheriff Brody?

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        "We're gonna need a bigger joint"

  • OneDollarJuana

    That one kid behind Mittso seems to be sleeping. Was he hanging out on Mitt's beach before the speech?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Obama don't need no cops to intercept for him.

  • noodlesalad

    The Romneys rarely entertain neighbors – or anyone else for that matter.

    • kissawookiee

      I don't know. I find his repeated attempts to run standardhumaninteraction.exe pretty entertaining.

      • noodlesalad


    • tessiee

      They entertain us, but it has to be said that being a self-parody isn't the same thing as being *intentionally* funny.

  • I'd rather Mitt reenacted the original "On the Beach"

  • Terry

    I'm surprised he hasn't taken the opportunity to convert a few of his neighbors.

    • Now I'm picturing Mitt riding a bicycle around La Jolla in black pants and starched white shirt knocking on doors. Thanks for nothing.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Watch this. It will make you feel better.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Why do it now when you can do it after they die?

    • Not_So_Much

      As someone who escaped the cult church early, I can guar-an-fucking-tee the offer to join the fellowship of magic underoos has been extended.

      • Not surprising then that they entertain infrequently. Who in their right mind would accept the invitation?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Mitt, you are the king of buzz kill.

    Of course, as always, praise is welcome.

    • The only kind of praise Mittens will ever get from me is faint. (faints)

  • edgydrifter

    It's Mormoning in America.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Mildly off-topic, but here's Mitt Romney's entire presidential campaign, explained in one sentence.

  • They can always claim it was medical marijuana because Mitt makes them sick.

  • veritass

    Fun thought experiment: what would you say to Mittens when he declared that you must discard of your filthy poor person marijuana cigarette, post-haste?

    I can't think of anything other than "go fuck yourself." I left my subtlety at home.

    • ProgressiveInga

      "Joints are people, my friend".

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Fuck you, and the car elevator you rode in on.

      • timbo71351

        Hey Ward Cleaver, go fuck yourself.

    • Chichikovovich

      "We all have our youthful escapades. I smoke a little dope, you preached that blacks are marked by God as inferior and that interracial marriage is a sin."

      • veritass

        So much win.

      • not that Radio

        Not to mention, he killed a dude. Hey Mitt. Come bother me when you have fewer manslaughters than I do.

    • LeAlbatross

      "Sirrah, you do talk as a mooncalf, for I am less beholden to yon herb than you be to the hefty purses of thy sycophants. Ecce this malmsey pottle thou hast hagridden me 'pon is less dizzifying than thy assertion of Our Lord's trip to this land we stand at."

      That, or 'Fuck off.'

    • Wile E. Quixote

      "Pull that magic underwear out of the crack in your ass and try some, ya fucking pussy."

    • chicken_thief

      I got a pipe right here for you to smoke, Willard.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Here's one possible response.

    • tessiee

      [in a thick jersey accent]
      Fuck you, ya fuckin' fuck!

    • Negropolis

      "You're the one in California, bub. Now, fuck off back to whatever planet you're from."


      "Don't you have other poor people to steal from?"

  • I wish I lived on the Left Coast. I'd love to organize a smoke-in (medical only and please bring prescriptions) on the beach

  • bumfug

    Mitt prefers the brown acid.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Quint: You have city hands, Mr. Romney. You been countin' money all your life.
    Romney: All right, all right. Hey, I don't need this… I don't need this working-class-hero crap.

    • Mitt Romney wouldn't know from working class hero if it ate his face off.

    • He's gonna need a bigger PAC.

  • Way to show the neighborhood that you aren't planning on being a heavy handed dick, Mittens!

  • SorosBot

    If Mitt doesn't want to be around people who are smoking pot, he shouldn't be in California.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Mitt IS the Walrus!

  • coolhandnuke

    Hey Mittens, don't you know a Gated Community is the gateway drug to fear, hate and self-loathing.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Was he wearing a Michigan State Trooper uniform at the time? I bet he was.

  • Antispandex

    "Drop that joint hippie, or I'll kick your…well I'll GET someone to kick yer ass!" Damn, what a turd.

  • edgydrifter

    Can you even imagine Mitt getting high? He'd be curled up behind the sofa crying to the 911 operator about how he thinks monsters are in his tummy and he might be dying. Awful.

    • Limeylizzie

      That is exactly how I acted on the 3 or 4 occasions I smoked weed, not kidding, i was a weepy, paranoid, blubbering mess.

      • chicken_thief

        Sure it was just weed?!

        • Limeylizzie

          Well one time it was Thai Sticks and I am a recovering epileptic, so there's that.

    • tessiee

      *waves hands slowly above head, staring at them bug-eyed*
      "Oh, wow! The trees… the trees are just the right height."

    • Negropolis

      Reminds me of the cop and his wife in Dearborn a few years back whose call was all over the news:

      On the night of April 21, 2006, a panicky Sanchez told an emergency dispatcher he thought he and his wife were overdosing on marijuana. "I think we're dying," he said in the 5-minute tape, obtained under the Michigan Freedom of Information Act. "We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do," Sanchez continued. He told the dispatcher he had never made marijuana brownies before, but had previously used marijuana. Then, he asked the score of the Red Wings game on television that night, explaining, "I just want to make sure this isn't some type of, like, hallucination that I'm having."

  • TribecaMike

    Sounds a whole lot safer than lecturing young Bostonians about the evils of crunk.

  • Wow, what a wet blanket. I mean, you really can't imagine America's best neighbor, Bill Clinton doing anything like that.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Bill is a good man. He is well deserving of all the blow jobs he's (probably) getting from the locals.

  • BornInATrailer

    I was gonna pray to Space Jesus but then I got high..

  • James Michael Curley

    I'm not going. I don't need to see Mitt wander out onto his lawn to pick up the morning paper in a bathrobe that is far too short.

  • Come here a minute

    Mitt better be careful — if he gets too close he might inhale a little bit of the smoke and wind up in Mormon Hell.

  • Callyson

    I hope one of the La Jolla Cove sea lions bites him.

    In a totally non – violent, non – death wishing way of course…

    • anniegetyerfun

      Are they violent? I went right up and gave one a pat on the head last time I was there. Of course, that was a long time ago, before the ghetto-ization of our great country by the blah president.

      • They are not violent on land. Sometimes, underwater, they can be a little misunderstood. Divers get nipped, and think it's aggression but in fact, sea lions use their teeth and mouths to feel…you know, no hands…and like sharks, that's often misunderstood as violent behavior.

        Of course, a shark "feeling" you can result in really serious injury. Sea lions…well, you have to panic a little.

        • Negropolis

          Didn't that one in San Francisco try to eat Shakira? Or was that a seal? Is there a real difference, behaviorally? Why am I asking so many questions? lol

      • Callyson

        Not normally, but they'll defend themselves from a creep who tries to mess with them. We could use more sea lions as Democratic Party politicians…

  • coolhandnuke

    The only thing Mitt knows about joint ventures is shutting them down.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Mister Quint — I think we're gonna need a bigger bong.

  • Romney was particularly upset that Mr. Quint had vowed to kill the biggest shark of them all: Bain.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Is it possible to be anywhere in California and not smell pot smoke?

    And how does Mitt know what marijuana smells like?

  • OneYieldRegular

    First of all, thanks to the visionary California Coastal Commission (which Republicans are always trying to destroy), the entire coast of California (with the exception of a couple military bases) is completely public, even in front of Mitt Romney's McMansion and b) Seriously? He's trying to stop people from smoking pot on the beach in California? He's even more completely out of touch than I thought.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The question remains: Why hasn't Mitt fired the entire police force yet?

  • Beowoof

    Typical, those religious fundamentalist types just can't stand anyone having a good time.

  • fitley

    I think there are some potheads that might wake up with bad haircuts in the morning if they continue these hijinks. That is if Mittens has his security guards to hold them down. Otherwise it might be embarrassing for Mittens to campaign with two black eyes.

  • Naked_Bunny

    So tell me, when do Republicans get around to celebrating freedom and individuality, respecting people's property, keeping the government's nose out of people's private lives, and all that other crap they say they like?

    • wolvenwood13

      Don't forget to put "shrinking Big liberal government" on that to-do list.

    • scvirginia

      When it suits them.

    • heathenette

      For some reason your comment made think of this: (’cause you know how they also worry about the down-trodden and all, I guess.)

      Now Tom said “Mom, wherever there’s a cop beatin’ a guy
      Wherever a hungry newborn baby cries
      Where there’s a fight ‘gainst the blood and hatred in the air
      Look for me Mom I’ll be there
      Wherever there’s somebody fightin’ for a place to stand
      Or decent job or a helpin’ hand
      Wherever somebody’s strugglin’ to be free
      Look in their eyes Mom you’ll see me.”

  • Estproph

    Sure! Fuck it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything! Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Quint! Condolences! The bums lost!

    …My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose– do you hear me, Quint? THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS–

  • cheetojeebus

    So? Did Mitt throw his coffee mug at him before kicking his ass?

    • tessiee

      I thought Mitzi wasn't allowed to have coffee.
      Of course, just because it was a coffee mug doesn't necessarily mean that it had coffee *in* it; it could have been full of Mom's Friendly Robot Oil.

  • elburritodeluxe

    When my neighbors annoy me, I have to suck it up and grumble to my wife. Mittens, however, is able to stay in one of his other mansions.

  • "And another thing: you look like a homosexual with that hair! Clean up your act or next time I see you, I'll pin you to the sand with my powerful thighs and cut it myself!!"

  • Sorry, dude–you startled me. Didn't mean to blow all that smoke in your face.

  • We need a time machine, get young Obama and Clinton to blow smoke in Mitt's square face. :)

  • The only way he could have been a bigger narc about it is if he had worn his state trooper costume when he did this.

    N.B. This would have also made it much more insane, creepy, and illegal, too.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "The Romneys rarely entertain neighbors in their home, but they have become those annoying uptight pricks that everyone gossips about and the neighborhood kids laugh at when they're not looking."


  • DahBoner

    Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do???

    Besides the obvious S&M dungeon…

  • elgin_pelican

    Blunts are people, my friends.

  • barto

    If you're really lucky he'll slip on the old uniform and write you a ticket!

  • pdiddycornchips

    What do they give out for Halloween? I give out joints and condoms.

    • tessiee

      If they're actually allowed to do something as much fun as celebrate Halloween, they're probably the house that gives out tiny boxes of raisins, or worse yet, Jack Chick pamphlets. My dentist gave out toothbrushes, which really is pretty lame, but then you can't really expect anything else from a dentist.

  • KBJ, if you drive I'll chip in for gas.

    • KBoydJohnson

      We'll have to take the mules. I don't have a car.

      • Mules are ornery and what are we anyway, conquistadors? We'll ask Mama Schoenkopf if we can borrow her car.

      • Negropolis

        Well, given that this is California, I'd imagine transit by mule is much quicker than taking the freeways.

  • "This shark, swallow you whole."

  • tbogg

    Mitt's house expansion: 3000 square foot basement or grow room. Discuss…

  • Veritas78

    There are few things more annoying than a new neighbor who's eager to tell you how to behave in a place you've lived for years.

    It would be a shame if such an arriviste were to, say, accidentally fall off his dressage horse and get dragged for a few miles.

    • tessiee

      Now I'm picturing Neidermeyer, which… ain't wrong.

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Quint: What's this Mr. Romney?

    Romney: Election PAC.

    Quint: Election PAC. You go in the PAC, PAC goes in the election, Obama's in the election. Our Obama.

    Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies …

  • M. Szyslak

    I could have use a Mittscolding when I was just a nipper.

  • TribecaMike

    When he was governor, Mitt would harangue Southies for brown-bagging Guinness on their stoops, which explains the metal plate in his head.

    • tessiee

      I can hardly wait for his campaign stop in Harlem, wearing a suit and tie, and carrying a tightly rolled umbrella and notepad to jot down the local "hep" slang.

  • raygotaway

    Mitt harshes my buzz everytime I see a photo of him.

  • ttommyunger

    I'm guessing it was a really small pot-head.

  • chascates

    Christ on a pogo stick, Pat Boone must be less of an asshole towards modernity than this clown. He and Ann must be the only couple in the world that probably doesn't pass gas or use the W.C.

  • I'd say a shark might eat him but I think he would be to bloodless and tasteless for them to think he's food.

  • TribecaMike

    In Joseph Smith's day, this sort of behaviour was called "finding yet another wife."

  • I cannot imagine being on the beach, stoned on *anything*, and having Mittens walk up to me and tell me to stop. I'd probably laugh my ass of for about four hours and then decide the whole thing was an hallucination.

  • Rmoney better not try that shit with the people doing bath salts on the beach. Could get his face eaten off.

    Just sayin'.

  • tessiee

    "You are commanded to picture Mitt Romney wearing pleated shorts with socks hiked up to his knees and a starched beanie cap"

    NO!! I can't! I won't! And YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!

  • tessiee

    Slightly OT: Back in the days before you got the guillotine for a pot seed, a friend was smoking a jay in Washington Square Park in NYC. He looked up to see the blue coat of the local Officer Friendly, a large African American gentleman, but "Bill" was so high that the officer sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. As he related the officer's words to us later: "Womp womp womp… THAT THING!! [sternly, with scolding finger shake] Womp womp womp… NO MORE!!"

  • Negropolis

    Your Wonkette is now tempted to acquire some of this marijuana and go down to La Jolla to sit on the beach with a joint just to see if Mitt Romney will pop out from behind a rock to deliver a scold.

    That actually sounds kind of fun, well, outside of the "just to see if Mitt Romney will pop out from behind a rock to deliver a scold." part. You know what would make that better, though. Water balloons. Water balloons make everything better. As soon as the two approached me, I'd just cold pelt them with water balloons.

  • Sassomatic

    He's the evil version of Mr. Rogers.

  • tweeksmom

    Mitt: "This guy looks like he is up to no good or he is on drugs or something. "

    911 Operator: "Are you following him?"

    Mitt: "Yes.These assholes are always getting away!"

    911 Operator: "Okay, we don't need you to do that….."

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