not hugging not learning

No One Has To Slap Orly Taitz In The Face As She Will Never Concede, Never Surrender

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:(Poor Tom Barrett, trying to weasel his way out of getting slapped by asking for a hug instead. NO TOM BARRETT. The lady will not hug you! SHE MAD! (We would post the video here, but it is useless, and we strongly suspect that the slap was to the shoulder or something, which is not nearly as cool as a nice bright face-slap for conceding a race while people are still voting, we don’t care what “math” says.)

But is there someone else yesterday who dreamed an unpossible dream — and who hasn’t given it up yet, and never will, because the bluebirds twittering around in her brainpan have warbled new promises to her in the secret language only they understand? There is! “Fwispdaggjerglaggjerblodt,” warbled the bluebirds! “I heed your call!” said dentist/lawyer/realtor/cosmonaut Dr. Orly Taitz, DDS MFA ETA Esq.! Then, as her eye orbs spun in their sockets, she shouted to the world from her Geocities website: THE MACHINES! After all, she is only in fourth place for the “top two” spot (ugh) to fight Dianne Feinstein lady-styley. Come to her aid, Americans!

Here, have some Orly Words, which we have run through Babelfish … oh, sorry, those were not run through Babelfish, those are the words that she did write.

The secretary of State of CA will continue counting the ballots until July 13. Currently I am 4th among 23 challengers to Feinstein. I will update you on the numbers, as more ballots are received, however the numbers are suspiciously off all 4 polls taken from March 7 until June 3rd. This is the reason, why first and for most we need transparency in the voting mchines.

At the moment nobody has a clue, how these machines are programmed. There is a high probability that different values were given to votes cast for different candidates. In Germany all electronic voting machines and electronic balot counting machines were banned because those are so easily rigged.

The fact that 4 polls were conducted, will help build a case for the need to ban the electronic voting machines and bring elections back to the people. The problem is that the judges are the product of these rigged elections: either they are a direct product of rigged elections or an indirect product, as appointees of the politicians, who are themselves the result of the rigged elections . It is hard to find a judge, who will be willing to do a thing to bring transparency back to elections and to bring transparency and accountability back to the White House and remove the criminal out of the White House.

Yeah, she’s got a point about the machines. If you want to read her next five thousand words about the corrupt GOP and the criminal’s criminal birth certificate showing that he is a criminal, and also why she will now begin her Vendetta against every single person in the nation, do, by all means, go here.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Come here a minute

    Hurray Orly! Rage against the mchine!

    • weejee

      She needed to lube them with 3-In-One Orly.

    • jjdaddyo

      She needs to get with the program– Republicans love them some electronic voting machines.

    • George Skullfry

      You gotta do what they* tell ya.

      * the voices in her head

  • Not_So_Much

    I'd hate to be in her chair for a root canal today.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I'd hate to be in her chair for anything.

  • chicken_thief

    "In Germany all electronic voting machines and electronic balot counting machines were banned…"

    First she goes full birther, now she wants to copy Euro fag soshulis?! Oily, how about a little consistency?

    • Tundra Grifter

      In Soviet Union, machine votes you.

  • weejee

    Orly to bed
    Orly to rise
    Her losing elections
    Is no fucking surprise

  • memzilla

    Ever notice how you never see Mann Coulter and Orly Taintz together in the same picture?

    [No, this is not meant to be Adam's Apple libel.]

    • scvirginia

      Am so glad I'm not the only one wondering about that…

    • Steverino247

      Good pre-emptive strike on the Libel crowd!

  • SorosBot

    Funny that she wasn't against the electronic voting machines back in 2004.

  • noodlesalad

    At the moment Orly has no clue, how to use a comma.

    • Pseudonymously_Joe

      And yet of grammar and spelling issues in that passage the comma issues, do not come first and for most to mind.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    It is way too early for Orly.

  • chicken_thief

    A little ot, but she isn't the worst looking tranny I've ever seen. But close…

    • littlebigdaddy

      Coulter is worse, or at least more scary.

  • actor212

    If we have transparency in our voting mchines (sic), people will see me naked! That can't be a good thing…

  • chascates

    It would have to be a conspiracy, no other explanation is logical.

    • mormos

      on the note of conspiracies, can I ask a very serious question. Now that California has changed their voting laws to make everything a big free for all, Orly has a very real chance of getting elected due to name recognition.

      I have no idea who is responsible for the change in California, but the thought of Taitz in power is scary. it seems laws are being changed all over the country in ways that implicitly favor Republicans. Then, when they gain control, they further change the law to remain in power (ala scott walker).

      How the hell are democrats supposed to compete, when they are trying to run a democracy, and republicans are trying to wage a war? Does anyone else feel like this is the situation? I feel like Republicans have decided their positions aren't popular, so they are trying to cut the people out of the process.

      this is my worried face. what do I do if Mittbot actually wins? After Wisconsin, it seems like any number of horrifying things are possible.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        "I feel like Republicans have decided their positions aren't popular, so they are trying to cut the people out of the process."

        Bingo! That's what they're trying to do FL. Wouldn't surprise me if we had a repeat of the 2000 Presidential election in November thanks to Floriduh.

  • prommie

    She certainly doesn't need any more taps with the ugly stick, or the crazy stick, for that matter. Has she checked the birth certificates of everyone who voted for her opponent yet?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "Yeah, she’s got a point about the machines."

    Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

    • Geminisunmars

      We need transparent clocks, too, then.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Ask and you shall recieve

        • Geminisunmars

          I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

  • actor212

    Voting McHines used to run this great bar down by Tammany Hall called "The Vote House"

  • OurHoboSenator

    You know WHO ELSE was a dentist/lawyer/realtor/failed Senate candidate?

    • actor212

      Thomas Jefferson's dumber brother?

    • weejee
    • Come here a minute


    • mavenmaven

      No, I certainly don't.

    • Pseudonymously_Joe


    • Ruhe

      That guy who became the Wizard of Oz?

    • SorosBot


    • Geminisunmars

      leonardo da vinci?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Doc Holliday?

  • chascates

    She was mainly concerned about becoming an astronaut back then.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Weren't we all?

  • elburritodeluxe

    She's so full of crap. The SkyNet system does a great job counting votes!

  • Barb

    ……." and also why she will now begin her "Vendetta" against every single person in the nation"

    Is "vendetta" another word for "vagina?"

    • actor212

      I can think of a few times in my life when it has been

    • Pseudonymously_Joe

      That's the word for when they have teeth, right?

      • Ruhe

        Sniglet of the year!

    • SorosBot

      And now, I've had to think of Orly's vagina again; ew.

      • actor212

        Could be worse, son.

        You could be remembering it.

  • mavenmaven

    This is classic, straight from her site (in FULL CAPS ON THE SITE): Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Ladian and Mr. Schmidt for your generous combined donation to KFI of $7,500 to promote my candidacy. unfortunately, sladerous remarks by host John kobylt destroyed all value in these donations and caused damage.

    Those sladerous remarks causing damage again! And what does this even mean: "competitor party pupper, Washington lobbyist Emken"

  • Billmatic

    So when Orly says that we need to make sure the voting machines are transparent she probably means that literally, right?

    also, she's not wrong. She just doesn't, know where to put commas.

  • bolognawallet

    "The fact that 4 polls were conducted"

    Four polls! That must mean it's true. And you're supposed to spell out numbers ten or less.

    • Geminisunmars

      I didn't know that! About spelling out numbers, that is.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Was her hair made in the same factory as Donald Trump's?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      It would be orange, too, but she doesn't get as much petting from Boehner as Trump does.

    • sewollef

      Made at Foxconn, China, by, a 12-year-old, earning, 10¢, per hour.

      My commas, are better, than Oily's.

  • CapeClod

    Not really surprised about her attitude toward judges considering how many have yelled at her for being a stupid fucking nut.

  • Exhausted66

    I stood there… with my little ink mark maker… but my ballot said "choose only one." Why was I only given a one-vote ballot?
    I'm sorry Orly!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Mine said the same thing.

      But I voted for her anyway.

      Just because…

      • Exhausted66

        I thought about it, TG. First I hovered over DiFi, but her comments about Bain sickened me, so I voted for the last name on the ballot that said "Democrat" next to it. I hope that nice lady appreciates my vote. Orly's name was staring at me the whole time.


  • MozakiBlocks

    Why can't she just go the hell away?

    • Steverino247

      Because enough of us think she's funny enough to vote for in a known landslide…

  • actor212

    When she finally does concede, can we have Chuck Norris slap her, please?

  • Biff

    Reminds me of what I'd love to do to her face.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Wow! Was that during the credits at the end of "Judge Judy?"

  • TheGyrus

    We need to go back to voting by punching out chads. There could never be a dispute about how those are counted!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Is that what happened to them?

      Jeremy punched out Chad?

  • Ruhe

    …"first and for most we need transparency in the voting mchines."

    For most, not for all. Some of you must remain in the dark. This is nature's way.

    • WIDTAP

      Foremost, we need proper grammar for most nutjobs politicians.

  • Oblios_Cap

    There is a high probability that different values were given to votes cast for different candidates

    She has a point.

    If one considers a value greater than 0 and less than .5% a high probability.

  • didgen

    I knoe how theys programmed!! One for you, 2 for me. 1 for you too for me. I'm smart!

    • sewollef

      You're not that smart…. where's your random commas, eh?

  • johnnyzhivago

    Blame Germany, like the Greeks!

  • FlownOver

    If only we had hereditary judges, or maybe judges anointed by Dave & Charlie, free from the taint (heh, heh) of public selection.

  • Dildeaux

    "This is the reason, why first and for most we need transparency in the voting mchines."

    That sentence right there tells us all we need to know. So much fail in so few characters.

    Transparent voting mchines sound really cool, though.

    • valthemus

      I'm pretty sure that "for most" probably wasn't a grammatical error.

  • iburl

    Soviet Spy.

    • MittBorg

      Or Mossad. She flies to Israel a lot.

  • widestanceromance

    Dear Aviation Scientists,

    When the day comes that Jeebis has lifted her eternal soul up to heaven, please use the facial expression seen in the above photo when her remains are made into a taxidermied drone for freedom.


  • Estproph

    Why would a see-through voting machine help?

  • Estproph

    For God's sake Orly, find a comb.

  • Abernathy

    It was a real face slap! But followed by a nice shoulder pat. That slapping lady should be the next Gov of Wisconsin.

  • barto

    I am (not) so proud that my town's paper of record, the "Santa Barbara News-Suppressed", actually endorsed this lunatic (the paper is owned by another lunatic, so…). If they had'nt just printed my recent letter making a logical and concise case for single-payer health care, I was considering writing another 250-word missive consisting of the following question over and over: "Orly Taitz?"

  • Joshua Norton

    Currently I am 4th among 23 challengers to Feinstein.

    Poor Orly. She's apparently unaware that most of those were joke votes from Dems who really wanted her to be the wingnut nominee.

    • rickmaci


  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    I was abducted by space aliens, and I vote! Yesterday I made a spot next to O. Taitz. Deluded candidates are people too, my friend. But seriously, from years of fielding complaints in LA city council field offices, I know you can't fake the crazy. Go Orly, let your freak flag fly!

  • Guppy

    The secretary of State of CA will continue counting the ballots until July 13.

    Let them feeneesh! Let them feeneesh!

  • jakegittes

    Do you think it was living under communist rule that fucked her up so bad?

  • ringletwraith

    Electronic voting mchines + full body scanners = transparency. Fixed.

  • James Michael Curley

    "transparency in the voting mchines" is fine, just remind me to go blind if she is going through the airport scanners a head of me.

  • Callyson

    The secretary of State of CA will continue counting the ballots until July 13

    Oh, Secretary, you know you should not tease Orly Taitz like that, right? You know it's not good to provoke the crazies, don't you?

  • Stevola

    No one has to slap Orly Taitz in the face. It's the kind of thing you do for fun.

  • owhatever

    I vote for Oily Titz all the time.


    Remember Orly, always close every argument by bringing back to the President. Good girl.


    …electronic balot counting machines were banned because those are so easily rigged"

    Why do they have counting machines when eating just one fertilized chicken embryo is so damn gross?

  • qwerty42

    I went to the site. Weird. Kind of paranoid. And what is this all about?

    please, write to Joe Farah of WND and let him know hos digusted you are with him promoting my competitor Emken, while they claim to be supporting eligibility issue.

    Tell sheriff Joe Arpaio, you will not get 1 cent more in donation, until you appear on June 12th in court in Indiana and testify

    Indiana? And WND is not as crazy as they seem?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Oooooohhh. Crazy Birther Slapfight Deathmatch. Taitz v. Farah and Arpaio.

  • StealthMuslin

    Show us your Taitz!

  • OneYieldRegular

    If Orly is so concerned about unreliable electronic voting, she should support CA Secretary of State Debra Bowen, who decertified machines made by Diebold and a couple of other manufacturers. Oh wait! Orly ran against Bowen for the position. And with a spectacular lack of success, I might add.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Yes, and if it hadn't been for those rigged machines Orly would have won. Oh, and have you ever seen the long-form birth certificates for Debra Bowen or the programmers at Diebold?

  • Tundra Grifter

    In Orly's hometown, back in the day things were a whole lot easier because there was only one candidate for each office.

  • TribecaMike

    Meanwhile in the real world , R.I.P. Ray Bradbury.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think Orly Taitz is my favorite Kristen Wiig character. Good to see her end her tenure at SNL on a high note.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    At the moment nobody has a clue, how these machines are programmed. There is a high probability that different values were given to votes cast for different candidates. In Germany all electronic voting machines and electronic balot counting machines were banned because those are so easily rigged.

    You know who else rigged elections in Germany?

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    I'd hit it… with a Diebold voting machine

  • Steverino247

    Votes go in, results come out. Who can explain it?

  • lochnessmonster

    After reading that, I'd like to know how many cases she's handled as an attorney and the outcomes…

  • commiebro

    Bluebirds in the brainpan!

  • ttommyunger

    I blame Barack Obama.