RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:45 am June 6, 2012

Maybe Dan Brown Had A Point

by Sulagna Misra

Look at that face. Now check the box marked "attracted to Ewan"Today, we find out how many gay people there are while the Vatican works miracles in book selling (not that book!), and a new sport everyone can do but a new reality show almost no can join. Hmmm….
  • How many gay people are there, really, in the United States? Luckily, the answer’s actually pretty easy: exactly the number of people who’ve met Ellen Degeneres or Ewan McGregor, whether in their dreams or in real life. [The Atlantic]
  • Because the Vatican won’t stop complaining about it, everyone decided to buy the nun’s book on self-love. Because the only thing better than Oprah’s Book Club stamp is a public proclamation from the most public religious entity in the world condemning your book! [Washington Post]
  • There’s a shin-kicking Olympics. Short people, unite! Now we can finally get payback famous for a sport that comes naturally to us! [Boing Boing]
  • The Dutch are thinking of hosting a reality TV show to pick astronauts to make a colony on Mars as a way to raise funds for that colony. Honestly, this story toes the line between amazing and exciting and worrying and a little nuts. It’s the news equivalent of America’s Next Top Model. [Slate]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 90 comments }

nounverb911 June 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

Can we send Newt and Callista to Mars now?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 6, 2012 at 11:50 am

Gonna have to use a Delta IV Heavy.

ManchuCandidate June 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Delta IV? Naw try two Saturn Vs strapped together.

weejee June 6, 2012 at 11:52 am

Mars libel.

noodlesalad June 6, 2012 at 11:52 am

In space, no one can hear you bloviate.

MosesInvests June 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Newt would need one of those anti-grav belts like Baron Harkonnen in Dune.

FlownOver June 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Many people have noted the family resemblance.

Barb June 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

"The Dutch are thinking of hosting a reality TV show to pick astronauts to make a colony on Mars as a way to raise funds for that colony."

Shh, the GOP will hear you and defund NASA completely and make our Astronauts go "Dutch treat" too. More money for transvaginal ultrasound legislation.

Wile E. Quixote June 6, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Here's what we need to do to get the GOP to fund NASA, tell them that there are WMDs on Mars. WMDs in the possession of gay, socialist Martians who worship Allah. We should also be able to get them to fund more space probes by relabeling them as extra-terrestrial surveillance drones. I'd love to see the images from the NASA's Predator II mission to Pluto.

Barb June 7, 2012 at 12:03 am

I like the way that you think, thanks!

nounverb911 June 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

The Devil Wears Red Prada Shoes?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm

You're damn right he does.

Oblios_Cap June 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

And a funny hat.

SayItWithWookies June 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Of course not — the Evil One has better taste than that. He also has the good sense not to whine that everybody was forced to join the Hitler Youth when he was little.

memzilla June 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

The Dutch are thinking of hosting a reality TV show to pick astronauts to make a colony on Mars as a way to raise funds for that colony.

I didn't know Newt was Dutch.

MrFizzy June 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

Can a nun be Pope? That would straighten some shit out right quick.

James Michael Curley June 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Concerning a certain Pope or rather female Pope, who is not set down in the list of Popes or Bishops of Rome, because she was a woman who disguised herself as a man and became, by her character and talents, a curial secretary, then a Cardinal and finally Pope. One day, while mounting a horse, she gave birth to a child. Immediately, by Roman justice, she was bound by the feet to a horse's tail and dragged and stoned by the people for half a league, and, where she died, there she was buried, and at the place is written: 'Petre, Pater Patrum, Papisse Prodito Partum' [Oh Peter, Father of Fathers, Betray the childbearing of the woman Pope]. At the same time, the four-day fast called the "fast of the female Pope" was first established"
—Jean de Mailly, Chronica Universalis Mettensis

Late 11th Century – other references to Pope Joan can be found

SorosBot June 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Nope! According to the rules any man who has been confirmed as a Catholic can be Pope, although it always goes to Cardinals; but having a penis is a strict requirement.

MrFizzy June 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

So they're all walking around in dresses and silk shoes, but having a penis is a requirement? I get it!

Butch_Wagstaff June 6, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I once used the term "Pope drag". My partner told me it was redundant.

noodlesalad June 6, 2012 at 11:50 am

Everyone knows if the Pope complains about it, it must be fun. If he stays silent about it, it's probably horrible (see: holocaust, child abuse).

Pope Seal of Disapproval > Oprah Seal of Approval.

Mumbletypeg June 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm

If you haven't read Christopher Buckley's send-up, "Poprah," you should ~

noodlesalad June 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Just did, and thanks for the larfs. Hilarious.

Butch_Wagstaff June 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Heard him on Talk of the Nation today. I couldn't believe it when I learned that he was the son of Willy F. Jr.

Lascauxcaveman June 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Growing up in a Catholic household, we got the monthly (weekly?) archdiocese newspaper – yes, there really is such a thing.

Anyhoo, I had no interest in it except for the movie reviews in the back. My mom still gets this paper, and I noticed it's not as much fun nowadays, because all the good films are now merely rated "O" (morally offensive) rather than "C" (condemned) like they were back in the 70's.

noodlesalad June 6, 2012 at 2:51 pm

This sounds awesome. "If it ain't sending me to hell, I ain't paying $3.50 to see it."

jaytingle June 6, 2012 at 11:51 am

Perhaps the Dutch could sell pot to tourists in order to underwrite a Mars venture. No, a reality show sounds more dignified.

weejee June 6, 2012 at 11:51 am

And who should we kick the shin out of?

boobookitteh June 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

The Pope?

Callyson June 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

53% of Wisconsin voters?

BarackMyWorld June 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

Does dreaming about meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi count?

actor212 June 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

Depends.

Was he stroking his light saber at you?

MrFizzy June 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Luke, I am a wanker

actor212 June 6, 2012 at 11:54 am

SLUGGO!

Good morning!

I want to sign up for the Dutch Mars colony. I want to raise marijuana.

Sharkey June 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

I can't see the side of Ewan's man-boob in this picture.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

That whole mars colony thing is not going to end well when all of the original colonists get too old to work and are just sitting around sucking up precious resources with no way to get home. It will be just like future earth but in fast forward. Soylent Green anyone?

anniegetyerfun June 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Didn't Bradbury warn us about this? IT'S WHY THEY KILLED HIM.

chascates June 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

If there's ever a shit-kicking Olympics Texas will win all teh goldz!

Chichikovovich June 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

The Dutch are thinking of hosting a reality TV show to pick astronauts to make a colony on Mars as a way to raise funds for that colony.

Lies! This is an obvious trick to lure candidates for euthanasia into their clutches! Since Rick Santorum exposed their mass-killing program, they've been falling behind their timetable.

[I hadn't heard that they had extended the program to include utterly rockheaded morons, but this is an ingenious way to get lots of them all in one place.]

weejee June 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

obvious trick to lure candidates for euthanasia into their clutches!

Chinese kids have learned about Dutch treat?

MrFizzy June 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Newt has the experience for this mission.

RedneckMuslin June 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Wait! Hold on a sec! I'm still looking at sideboobs.

FraAnima June 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Ewan McGregor is SO dreamy!

MrFizzy June 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The nun says it's okay to masturbate.

mavenmaven June 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Gay Shin Kicking on Mars?

Biel_ze_Bubba June 6, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Gay Shin Kicking Nuns on Mars

Mumbletypeg June 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I think the folks at HuffPo should invite the nun-authoress as chief editor when they decide to publish the coffee-table/ photo essay adaptation of their Sideboob phenomenon. Really, the collaborative possibilities are endless. "Self-love And the Single Gal"? "A Loving Scoopful"? "Novitiate for the Masses"?

SayItWithWookies June 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Turn the other sideboob?

SorosBot June 6, 2012 at 12:04 pm

You know, I'm beginning to suspect the Catholic Church has a few issues with women and sexuality.

Butch_Wagstaff June 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Not just a "few".

Oblios_Cap June 6, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Ewan McGregor

I hear that he has a huge "talent".

Oblios_Cap June 6, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Maybe Dan Brown had a Point

I'd rather masturbate than self-flaggelate!

anniegetyerfun June 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Who says that you can't do both?

Pseudonymously_Joe June 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I'd rather flog myself than… hmm.

JoeHoya June 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Call me old-fashioned, but I still like viewing boobs from the front.

ManchuCandidate June 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I'd vote to send off every reality show famewhore off to Mars. One way trip… without space suits or adequate supplies.*

*wouldn't make to Mars anyway… "singer" Lance Bass wanted to use his Boy Band monies to go into space but was told in that brusque Russian way that he was too stupid to go to space.

FlownOver June 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

There's still room on the B ark.

anniegetyerfun June 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm

One Million Mom and The Vatican – OK, I am 100% certain that these groups are part of some grand liberal conspiracy to promote the gay agenda. And they are doing an AWESOME fucking job.

Butch_Wagstaff June 6, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Astroturfing level: 1,000,000.

FlownOver June 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

"Self-identify as gay"? Was I supposed to count that time at school when we held that one guy down and cut his hair? Most of us had been drinking, but it was totally hot.

Butch_Wagstaff June 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Lemme guess, you started cutting his hair at the bottom?

prommie June 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Gay people? Thats easy, you take the number of registered Subarus out there, add 1/3 the viewership of Glee, plus the total number of Streisand, Liza Minnelli, and GaGa cds sold, and then finally add in the number of Boston Terriers and Liz Phair concert tickets sold.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 6, 2012 at 2:33 pm

You could add in the number of double-ended dildos sold … unless you think there'd be too much double-counting.

Wile E. Quixote June 6, 2012 at 2:34 pm

you forgot to add 50 percent of South Carolina's senators and 100 percent of Michele Bachmann's husbands.

Butch_Wagstaff June 6, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Multiply by the number of gay blogs that noted the passing of Donna Summer.

Pop_Socket June 6, 2012 at 12:23 pm

The Church doesn't want people to have non-procreative sex because then they would run out of altar boys to have non-procreative sex with.

el_donaldo June 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm

This post just gave me the idea for the most awesome sexploitation film ever: Gay Masturbating Nuns on Mars. Now if we could just switch the shin-kicking out for a Nazi dominatrix story I think I'd be ready to set up the Kickstarter account.

Baconzgood June 6, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Unrelated to this post.

Department Director Dale Part II is even moar a pain in the ass than Department Director Dale (Original Douche Bag). Department Director Dale Part II has no idea what he's doing and couldn't find his own ass with both hands and compass even if it jumped on his face and did the Charleston.

(this comment is 100% snark free)

Dashboard Buddha June 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Reminds me of back when I used to be a counselor for a Catholic youth group…we'd read the movie ratings in the Catholic Digest to see which movies had the "Morally Objectionable" seal of a approval.

SayItWithWookies June 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm

So the Atlantic article starts off by saying that about 1.8 percent of men identify as gay, and the same number of women do, but 4% of respondents (mostly women) also identify as bi. Then the author states that if you go by experience only, the number is about 8.2, which is closer to Kinsey's finding of about ten percent.

So the number is the same as it's always been, except for the people the author cites who believe it's around 25%, which it never has been, but if you believe that, the real number is shockingly low. It's amazing what you can get when you compare fictional stats against narrow definitions, seems to be the conclusion.

pdiddycornchips June 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

So, a bunch of cloistered men in dresses and funny hats spend two years reading a book about female masturbation, they issue an edict saying not to to buy the book because it's bad or something? Is that about it? Why not poll death row at Attica? They're also a bunch of cloistered men who have nothing better to do than read obscure texts and I bet the guys on death row aren't half as evil as those other guys.

cheetojeebus June 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm

What, No Mention of D-Day's anniversary? Bunch of fuckin Liberal commie treasonist bastards. Soft like a damn kitten's ass on totalitarian fascist regimes with world domination dreams ! Godless side boob loving bastards.

usernameguy June 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm

On the plus side, this happened yesterday.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I can't imagine what could go wrong with a Mars colony run by reality show people who were selected so that their personalities would clash and make good television. I'm pretty sure that is the same criteria that NASA used for the original Mercury 7.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm

What happens to you when you get voted off the planet? Seems that it would be very expensive, or very drastic.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Sadly, because she is a nun, all the sex book money is probably going to provide a defense fund for pedophile priest.

Troglodeity June 6, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Working title for the priests' version: "The Dangerous Book for Boys."

Wile E. Quixote June 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

FTMFW!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I want to write a book of BBQ recipes … is there any way to get the Pope to hate on it?

glamourdammerung June 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I want to write a book of BBQ recipes … is there any way to get the Pope to hate on it?

Imply the Holocaust was a real event?

Biel_ze_Bubba June 7, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Good suggestion … but it's sort of hard to work that in.

Estproph June 6, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I'd like to go to Mars. I'm pretty much done here.

An_Outhouse June 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Everyone knows the Anglicans bulk purchase any book the Vatican condemns just to piss off the pope.

fuflans June 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

you so deserve more 'p' for this than you will ever get at the bottom of the comment thread.

Antispandex June 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

OK, just so that I understand this gay rights debate. If there are less of them than the American public thinks there are, it's OK to drag them behind a pick-up truck?

ttommyunger June 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Listening to the Pope and his minions, one would think there is absolutely no sin which is not related to the naughty bits.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 8, 2012 at 8:34 am

Well, they're the experts.

ttommyunger June 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

You, sir or ma'am, are aptly named; if for nothing else, your devilish sense of humor…..

Biel_ze_Bubba June 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

My day job involves a lot of skewering.

ttommyunger June 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it, right?

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