wonkette media desk

On Sideboob: The Deep Impact and Thundering Significance Of Arianna Huffington and the Sides of Stars’ Boobs

sidemanboobIf anyone even vaguely involved in online publishing (or as we call it here in the year 2012, “publishing”) tries to tell you that they don’t pay attention to what the Huffington Post is up to, they are filthy liars. For good or for ill, HuffPo has changed the way we report politics, news, pets, sexy ladies, sexy ladies in bikinis, and everything else. That’s why it sent shockwaves through the industry last night when people began to notice an important new HuffPo vertical (this is web-dork-speak for “section”) dedicated entirely to sideboobs. That URL is huffingtonpost dot com slash news slash sideboob, so you know it’s bringing you all the important sideboob news; more in-depth features, the sideboob longreads, come later, we guess. The question that now confronts all other publishers is: do you get into a sideboob arms race with Arianna Huffington? We don’t have their deep pockets to pay sideboob-specialist paparazzi who hover at celebrities’ sides, waiting to see boobs, but we’ve aggregated our own sideboob slideshow for you, after the jump.

Angelina Jolie lies face down on a bed, no shirt on, back to you, her upper body propped up by pillows. She’s sort of holding herself up by hanging on to the thin metal bands of the headboard. It seems awkward, but she doesn’t look uncomfortable. You can see the side of her boob. She’s smiling at you, looking less severe than her current persona (this is a cover of a magazine from 2000). Her butt is covered with a sheet and there appears to be a toy tank parked on it, but that might be Photoshopped in. The tank’s significance is difficult to parse.

* * *

You tell him

Sponsored Video

* * *

Jennifer Aniston is sitting on a bed at an extremely awkward angle — her left leg is bent under her, her right leg is dangling off the side of the bed, her right arm is sort of grabbing onto the blanket, which has a silvery duvet cover that looks hard to get traction on. She’s wearing jean shorts that are obviously too big for her at the waist, and no shirt, so you can see the side of her boob. She’s looking at you over her shoulder. This is the somewhat famous GQ cover from December 2005. The date startles you for a minute — you thought this cover was older than that, but then you realize how long ago 2005 really was.

* * *

“The fetishization of social is celebrating something going ‘trending’ or going ‘viral’ without asking what it is that’s going trending or viral. We all need to do a better job of asking those questions, otherwise we’re going to find ourselves in the same dangerous area that mainstream media have found themselves in.” -Arianna Huffington, May 3, 2012

* * *

Cameron Diaz is standing with her left side to you, left arm lifted so her hand is on her head. She is wearing a shirt that literally has no sides to it. Like, it has a front and a back, which connect over her shoulders, but no sides. She’s also not wearing a bra, so you can see the side of her boob. You can actually see the featureless yellow background (computer-generated, or is she actually standing in front of a blank yellow wall?) between her back and the back panel of her weird sideless shirt. She is surrounded by teasers for Cosmo articles, because this is a Cosmo cover. “78 Ways To Turn Him On!” (#45: Show him the side of your boob.) “What Mean Want Most At 9 p.m.” (To see the side of your boob.)

* * *

Just keep looking at the dress, just keep looking at the dress

* * *

Anne Hathaway is walking away from you, towards some glass doors labelled “LIGHTHOUSE.” Where are you? What’s happening? This is a photo from Getty Images, taken in the real world, not some magazine cover, but in some ways it’s even more disorienting, because there’s no context to grab onto. She’s coming from some kind of formal event because she’s wearing what appears to be an expensive and fancy dress, the top half of which is two separate loops of shimmery fabric that come up from the waist, over the shoulders, and down her front to the waist again. As you might imagine from that description, you can see the side of her boob. She’s looking over her right shoulder and smiling at you, not unpleasantly.

* * *

“The reason AOL is acquiring The Huffington Post is because we are absolutely passionate, big believers in the future of the Internet, big believers in the future of content.” –AOL CEO Tim Armstrong, February 2011

* * *

Katy Perry is standing in front of a mysterious object, a jumble of shapes that you can’t interpret because she’s blocking most of it. She’s looking to your left, not at you, and is intensely holding an expression with her mouth in a smile that doesn’t convey any joy. She’s sick of this event (whatever it is, “Los Angeles, January 2010″ is all Getty Images will tell you about it) and all the photographs, or maybe her face just looks like that, now. She’s wearing what’s otherwise an unremarkable ecru shirt with golden floral prints, otherwise unremarkable except that it looks like it’s torn along the side — obviously its intentional, expertly distressed in some Bangladeshi factory, but the effect looks deliberately haphazard — from the armpit to the top of her ribcage. Most of this hole is covered by her left arm, but you can still see the side of her boob.

* * *

“We added original reporting as soon as I could. Things change and it takes a while for the narrative to be updated, because we did start as primarily a place for aggregation. This award makes it easier for the reality and the narrative to come together.” –Arianna Huffington on the site winning a Pulitzer Prize

* * *

There are other celebrities (Rachel McAdams) and people you suppose are celebrities (Audrina Partridge) and then there are just some American Apparel ads thrown in there, for no reason, one imagines American Apparel isn’t even paying because they’re ads for those weird wrestling singlet things that they don’t sell anymore, you don’t think. You can see the sides of their boobs. You can see the sides of all their boobs, you become an expert on sideboob, on assessing the different kinds, the different types of exposure, the different ways boobs are held in place, or not held in place, or held in place exactly such that, in still photos from Getty Images or on the covers of magazines, they appear to not be held in place. You can rate each sideboob in the slideshow on a scale from one star (“Too much — this is tacky territory”) to five (“Just a hint is beautiful”). You rate each one three (“You can see the side of her boob in this picture”). You give the three-star rating over and over again. “You can see the side of her boob in this picture.” “You can see the side of her boob in this picture.”

* * *

Clarence the angel weeps

* * *

“You can see the side of her boob in this picture.” [Sideboob]

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

184 comments

  1. Barb

    Now that Arianna has sold out to AOL, she is just their sideboob.
    She seems to have a fascination with Gwyneth Paltrow's colon cleansing diets too.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Go back and view the classic Wonkette photo of the Brazilian protester.

      Best photo here ever!

      1. noodlesalad

        The guy being wheeled out on a gurney? I can never un-see that image. And I think that was front butt, technically.

          1. MittBorg

            Oh, CHRIST! You should have included a warning, noodlesalad. Something along the lines of: Cannot be UNSeen. May be hazardous to your mental health.

            (dies)

          2. MittBorg

            Hey, sullivanst! I meant to get back to a comment you made, but can't find it! Sorry about that. We'll just have to pretend to be all cool wid it until we find something else to disagree about, OK?

            Did you click the link? If not, don't. Srsly. You never saw so much front butt.

          3. sullivanst

            Oh yeah, I too can never un-see that image.

            If you can't remember it, it probably wasn't that important, and yeah, I'm sure I'll be disagreeable in the future :P

  2. actor212

    I'm so pleased to see Arianna upholding the time-honored traditions of journalism in informing the public and raising the level of civic discourse.

    Tits or GTFO, Josh. Don't care you're a dude, I want to see boobies. I'll just pretend you're a waifish Malaysian hooker I'm acquainted with

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Oh my god that is a lot of talking just to post tit-pic-links. (I am assuming, I couldn't figure out where they were) Is there this much about dick profiles somewhere? "Sock or Cock"? Maybe a little "Who Had Wood Where"? And now I miss Anthony Weiner.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Hey now, I appreciate it. I've never been so happy not to have to be Safe OR at Work. I may understand pervs more now. Just, you know, appreciating stuff.

  4. bumfug

    And the front page will have articles wailing and gnashing teeth over sexism in our culture. Hypocritical douchebags.

  5. SorosBot

    Well at least the sideboob pictures doesn't actually kill anybody, unlike Huffington Post's "health" coverage.

    1. el_donaldo

      or delude you like their "science" coverage, or offer self-indulgent navel-gazing and justification for your narcissism like their "religion" coverage. The celebrity coverage is at least transparent about its superficial trashiness.

    2. MadBrahms

      Hey, leave organic cures-both-autism-and-cancer acai berry colonics out of this.

    3. MittBorg

      Yes, their role in the vaccine/autism bullshit should never be forgotten. They gave that blonde bimbo airhead room to air her dangerous, uninformed opinions that have now led to deaths from outbreaks of measles and whooping coughs — common, eradicable childhood illnesses.

  6. Tundra Grifter

    Man did I read that headline wrong!

    I thought "Sideboob" was (r)Money's choice for VPOTUS.

  7. Tundra Grifter

    Based on this blog, I'm looking for Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller to start a vertical called "Sidedicks."

    1. tessiee

      A few years back, I came up with the idea of a toy boob for babies. You could have a flannel one for them to hold during the day or sleep with at night (like a security blanket), and a terrycloth-covered one for a bath toy.

      1. MittBorg

        I'm thinkin' if you joined TWO of them together and put them on a frame, they'd make a great pillow for, you know, lonely guys and stuff. Maybe something wired to work with a very low-level warmth setting, something around 95F? And a gel, to imitate, or approximate the wonderful squooshiness of boobies. Yes?

        Also, I would like to place an order for five units, and also to help with testing.

  8. boobookitteh

    I don't know if it's funny or sad that this is a total rip off of Peter Griffin's "The Sideboob Hour".

    1. bureaucrap

      How about both? Real life parodies cartoons parodying real life. Perhaps it signifies more "synergy" between Huffington and Seth MacFarlane (she is already doing voices for "Cleveland Show" so I don't think this is a complete coincidence).

    2. CherrysSecret

      Hilarious, had completely forgotten about that!.. Honestly I'd rather look at Peter's Sideboob than all these flat chested twigs they keep drawing attention to…. It's just not appealing.

  9. Goonemeritus

    Wouldn’t visiting another internet site than Wonkette constitute disloyalty and require a period of re-education in a camp like setting?

  10. FlownOver

    As soon as they reach Page 3-level pics our online "news" sources will have reached the hallowed "journalism" level of the Brit dailies. Until then, not worth clicking.

  11. BerkeleyBear

    So a Family Guy joke (one of Peter's public access TV shows was a sideboob show) is now the buzzworthy latest addition to a Pulitzer Prize winning site? Everybody look out because its gonna start raining Fonzis on motorcycles and shark tanks any damn minute.

  12. prommie

    Side boob is sad shit, what is the big fucking deal is full through-the-armhole-tit, with nipple! Now thats some special treat, like fucking getting struck with the accidental porn magic wand.

      1. Barb

        Hey Sis, yes he was born two days ago. I thought I was done with my knitting projects and I just whipped out the yarn to make a little hat for him.

        I'm still waiting for Christine to have her baby now.

        1. Limeylizzie

          We have another one coming in August, Jack has twin daughters and they both will have babies this year!

  13. anniegetyerfun

    I am involved in online publishing and I avoid HuffPo like the plague. I don't care what you say.

  14. UnholyMoses

    The next time Arianna rails against sexism and misogyny, will someone please slap the shit out of her and take away that Pulitzer the site received?

    I mean … seriously? They have an entire sideboob section? Not a feature, but a entire SECTION? They going after that coveted 13-year-old-virgin-boy demographic or something?

    Sheesh.

    1. tessiee

      No offense to you, but really? THAT's the tipping point? There's usually at least one article a day on wonketz, documenting yet another step in the sad decline of my once great country, that makes me wish I'd moved to Europe while I still could have afforded to move anywhere; but the fact that a lame website has now gotten marginally lamer isn't one of them.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        I was referring to America's love/hate relationship with all things boob, not just Huffypuffy.

        And I left the USA for good in 1990.

          1. actor212

            It's just that Bradbury represents good SF work, not the hackneyed faux-libertarian shit of a Heinlein.

            I hope he's buried in his Magic White Suit

            There. Made it.

          2. anniegetyerfun

            Bradbury's work had a major psychological impact on me as a child, and none of it was good.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      My mom used to shriek "Don't take her left side! Her left side is awful!" when the photographer tried to pose me during family portraits.

      1. MittBorg

        Gee, thanks, Mom. That could leave a kid with a lifelong problem. Well, at least it wasn't as bad as MY Mom. She used to say, "Don't include that kid, your camera lens will crack. HAHAHAA." Or "You don't look like your father. Your father's handsome."

    2. MittBorg

      Hitler.

      I don't care who it really was. I just wanted a chance to say "Hitler," just once. Bet someone beat me to it too.

  15. el_donaldo

    I dread looking at Facebook because of all the HuffPo stories friends keep throwing up there. I complain about how moronic HuffPo is, and they're all like, but I thought you were liberal – liberals read HuffPo.

    Grrrrr.

    1. SorosBot

      I have conservative friends who still, no matter how many times I correct them, think I must religiously follow both Huffington and Kos; they can't get away from the authoritarian mindset and assuming liberals follow it as well.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I am so puzzled by these as "liberal" sources. I've never found anything of interest on either website.

  16. SorosBot

    To everyone who gets all excited looking at sideboob pics: there is actual porn on the internet, for free even.

    1. el_donaldo

      And even if you wanted to obsess on celebrity, there are topless stills and clips of all of the above-mentioned women easily found on the internet. Er, or so I have been led to believe.

      1. SorosBot

        I may have watched a few clips of Havoc multiple times; not the rest of the movie though, it's a piece of crap and only those scenes are worth watching.

    2. bureaucrap

      True, but where else can you say that you're reading a "Pulitzer prize winning site" while playing with your junk? Certainly not the NYT. Mostly.

  17. Limeylizzie

    You all knew I would have one, a sideboob story, didn't you? I was sitting outside wearing a wife-beater and a bra and MrLL said "You have sideboob" so I whipped off the bra and as my boobs sagged the sideboob disappeared.

      1. Limeylizzie

        It was sideboob from having my bra hike them up so high that sideboob was visible and when I took off said bra they went to where nature intended which was lower than the armhole.

    1. tessiee

      There are certain dresses and tops that I think of as "good posture" garments, because if I'm wearing them with less than perfect posture, there's the possibility or even the likelihood of…
      a daring escape attempt.

  18. actor212

    Whoa! Our own ginger, Jim Newell, got fisted on teh Twitter by none other than MSNBC's Chris Hayes for his Baffler essay!

    Question: When the *fuck* is he going to bring that kind of snappy prose to Wonkette?

  19. EatsBabyDingos

    Can I get a boob job from Arianna? You know, one where I get paid to stare at boobs.

    1. MittBorg

      I thought SideshowBabeau had resigned. Or has he just decided not to run for higher office? Clearly the Tempe police have this shit in hand, but Babeau just has to flap his gums to look good, don't he? Weaselly little prick.

  20. Ruhe

    Damn, Josh. This is a tough crowd. I read through all the comments and saw everyone snarking in but no one commenting on what a brilliant piece of writing this is. Hilarious. Saunders-esque. Thanks for the good read.

    1. tessiee

      I was thinking it was kind of a 1980s look, with those Flashdance off-the-shoulder tops that were in fashion then.

  21. cheetojeebus

    Today, Anne Hathaway is walking away from us all.

    BTW because men don't use tools to get off women are not empowered by vibrators. or some shit, I couldn't be bothered to read it all. Sexist asshole that i am.

    1. prommie

      Remember the catalog with the alleged dick-slip in the mens underthings section? Like 1975 or so.

        1. MittBorg

          Damn you, tessiee, I always get lost wandering over there checking out all the info. Now I'm all hooked on warrior wasps. (Don't ask)

    2. Mumbletypeg

      Regardless of your age — I rememer those catalogs too — "hearing" your comment as if spoken by Santorum spawn, per avatar, made it priceless.

  22. barto

    Arianna must hold some sort of shark jumping record by now. Another low is on its way…

  23. finette_

    Just an hour ago I was unable to articulate my feelings to a friend who thinks Ray Bradbury was overly pessimistic about the impact of technology on society. I think I'll just send her this. Your descriptions are even Bradbury-esque, somehow…

    Of course I'm not laboring under the illusion that boobs have not always held a certain fascination for some segments of society (*ahem*)–but now, somehow, they're NEWS.

  24. Callyson

    Guess Arianna did not realize that the saying "Tits or GTFO" is meant to be ironic…

    …isn't it?

  25. BenGleck

    Its not the ones one the side that really count, its the up front boobs. e.g. see Comments section

  26. Nostrildamus

    Kathyryn Jean Lopez is naked, sitting on a 48-box crate of Ding-Dongs, her back to you. Her face turns back toward you, smiling as if drowning a kitten. Her butt crack is only barely visible, mostly obscured by the cheerful visage of Ronald Reagan…

    1. HarryButtle

      I call bullshit…we all know a crate of Ding Dongs won't support that kind of weight.

      Plus…ew.

      1. tessiee

        Well, OK, they weren't actual Ding Dongs and it wasn't a 48 ounce box. It was the Kirkland brand fake Ding Dongs from Costco, and like everything at Costco, they were in the steamer trunk size package.

      1. tessiee

        Jonah Goldberg is off-camera, fighting over the Ding Dongs with Chris Christie and Rush Limbaugh.

  27. Pragmatist2

    Someone should start "Arianna Post" and just aggregate all the HP articles that reference her. She would go crazy. Well, actually, that would not be a long trip.

  28. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Katy Perry is standing in front of a mysterious object, a jumble of shapes that you can’t interpret because she’s blocking most of it. She’s looking to your left, not at you, and is intensely holding an expression with her mouth in a smile that doesn’t convey any joy.

    That right there? That there is ART, goddammit.

  29. ttommyunger

    By this standard, Rush Limbaugh would be one sexy motherfucker since he has front-boobs, side-boobs, back boobs, muffin boobs and he himself is one huge fucking boob.

  30. badgitator

    "Kristen Stewart almost flashes sideboob" – actual headline on a serious news website. I, for one, have rather high expectations matters of sideboob importance, this "almost" nonsense just serves to sully the otherwise noble the 4th Estate of sideboob .

Comments are closed.