Hello my precioussssHello, California! The voters, in their infinite wisdom, have done another fun thing to your precious California ballot, and that is that you can now vote for your favorite two people in any primary election, starting today! Apparently Rolling Stone thinks this means that Dems will vote for moderate Republicans instead of the rabid folk who currently win Republican primaries, and that this will break the black-helicopter folks’ iron grip on their nominations. This is because Rolling Stone is HILARIOUS.

No, what it really means is that sly, sneaky California Democrats can ensure that the GOP’s standardbearer for US Senate will be everyone’s favorite dentist/real estate agent/lawyer/Martian one Ms. Orly Taitz! You have your orders. Now go ACORN that shit!

UPDATE! Your editrix has no idea how this fucking thing works!

A tipster writes in to inform us that we got the entirety of this post entirely wrong (except for the part where Dems can vote Taitz!). You can only vote for ONE PERSON, but in any party. The top two vote getters will be on the November ballot regardless of party — two Dems, two GOPpies, two Martians, whatever. Your editrix was under the impression that this was something different from that, because California had an open primary for a hot minute and the Supreme Court struck it down. (At last, a thing your editrix did know!)

From the Cali Secretary of State:

Open Primary System

The provisions of the “closed” primary system were amended by the adoption of Proposition 198, an initiative statute approved by the voters at the March 26, 1996, Primary Election. Proposition 198 changed the closed primary system to what is known as a “blanket” or “open” primary, in which all registered voters may vote for any candidate, regardless of political affiliation and without a declaration of political faith or allegiance. On June 26, 2000, the United States Supreme Court issued a decision in California Democratic Party, et. al. v. Jones, stating that California’s “open” primary system, established by Proposition 198, was unconstitutional because it violated a political party’s First Amendment right of association. Therefore, the Supreme Court overturned Proposition 198.

So why is this one not un-Constitutional? Beats the fuck out of us! Please play Constitutional Lawyer in the comments!

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  • Barb

    Someone needs to get to the Wig Emporium, stat! I don't know what looks more old and tired, that wig or that thing below it.

    • Oh please, Barb, that photo was obviously shot after she was banging her boyfriend for an hour or so.

      • nounverb911

        With a hammer?

        • There was probably some marital aid in use, yes

      • Barb

        WTF? he he making her stand on her head so he can pork the brunette half of her?

        • Are you suggesting the drapes don't match the carpeting?

          Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh no, you don't! I have an inquisitive mind but even I ain't that curious!

      • elviouslyqueer

        I object! "Boyfriend" implies facts not in evidence. Unless of course by "boyfriend" you meant "Rotting cow carcass," which would naturally be allowable.

        • Boojum

          "Significant other rotting cow carcass" to you, sir!

    • nounverb911

      Do they still sell "Cousin Itt" wigs?

    • Callyson

      The thing below it: the wig is frizzy enough to show some energy…

  • Taitz Misbehavin'

  • nounverb911

    The downside is that the Oily Taint could win.

    • It's a primary. She'd face Fine Stein in November.

      Think about it, man. She'd be given podium time in TAMPA this summer!

      • Terry

        She NEEDS to be given podium time in Tampa. How about a good two hours of Orly and Trump discussing their birther theories right before Mittens takes the stage?

        • Trump is all poutrage this morning because he wants "birther" to be dumped as pejorative and replaced People Who Believe In The Birf Controversy, or something like that. Will he have his undies unbunched in time for Tampa?

          • Terry

            Sure, because Tampa will be an opportunity for him to be in front of cameras and microphones.

          • Ah, good point. That egomaniac won't be able to resist the bait.

            Think I should lay in some champagne for Tampa? It's gonna be a hoot, fershure.

      • 738838

        I'm not gonna tampa wid her.

    • 'Zactly, the Rethugs in Washington State did the political cross-dressing thing and Dixie Lee Ray won the primary because of it. In the fall she beat John Spellman and became the first woman governor of the state. Yea for the double X, but cry serious bullshit on her nutso conservative policies.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        My dad (a Republican) always said this about Dixie: "That Democrat is the best Republican governor we've had in 40 years."

        Fun personal anecdote: while cycling around on Fox Island one hot July day, I pulled into the little local cemetery to find a shady spot to sip my Pepsi and rest awhile. Ended up sitting right next to her grave.

      • tessiee

        "Dixie Lee Ray won the primary because of it"

        That, or people saw the name "Dixie Lee Ray" and assumed it was three different rednecks.

    • Callyson

      If the Reeps could not knock out Barbara Boxer in the mostly disastrous 2010 election, they sure can't dump DiFi, whose relatively moderate stands appeal to the mushy middle.

      (Heading out the door to vote…hee hee hee…)

    • You think? She's in single-digits. The Republican official contenduh is going into passionate writhings about how having her on the ballot Shames Murka and also too Teh Republican Partay which R Not Taht Kind of PartAY.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why, did California legalize acid and no one told me?

      • No, it's because some OTHER Merry Pranksters are going about saying they think DiFi will win anyway, so they're going to vote for Oily. I've warned them all that if Oily TaTas wins this one, I'm holding each and every one of them personally responsible.

    • Beowoof

      The awesomeness of Oily winning cannot be underestimated. The comedy gods would be smiling on California, (or laughing their ass off), if Oily became the republican senate candidate. Christine O'Donnell would look like a Rhodes Scholar.

  • Generation[redacted]

    This is only funny when it happens to other people's states.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Unfortunately, Washington has the same goddam system.

  • noodlesalad

    The Seymour Butts write in campaign just went up 10,000% in polling.

    • mrpuma2u

      Don't forget I. P. Daily, Betty Dont and the hawaiian candidate, I. M. Kainakinki.

      • noodlesalad

        Senator Ben Dover has a ring to it.

        • nounverb911

          He's Dan Quayle's son?

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I work with a guy named Ben Dover for real. Can't email him without giggling.

          • noodlesalad

            There's a for-real urologist in my home town named Richard Tapper. I guess he had his profession Dicked, er, picked at birth.

          • My surgeon has promised he will not refer me to Dr. Payne, with whom he shares an office.

          • tessiee

            There used to be (I don't know if he's retired by now, or what) a pediatrician in North Carolina named Dr. Hug.

          • See, now, if I lived in his neighbourhood and had a kid, I would SO take my kid to him! Don't you think?

            C'mon, honey, put your shoes on. We're going to see Doctor Hug.

          • MissTaken

            I worked with a Michael Hunt. Seriously. Hearing him say "Mike Hunt here" on conference calls was the only thing getting me out of bed some mornings.

          • Boojum

            There was a child in my son's class named "Micah Hunt." I wonder about parents, some times.

          • Some of them are just plain cruel, dood.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            If he lived in Turkey in the early 1970s and has a twin brother named Steve, I went to the 6th and 7th grade with him.

          • Phyl Diri ring any bells? Faridah Diri?

          • Callyson

            You'd think he would call himself Benjamin. Then again, maybe not…

          • His sister Eileen would be confused.

          • I worked with a guy who lived in Ben Lomond. We all called it "Bend Low, Mon." He didn't like the rest of us too much. (Juvenile buncha fucks)

      • Isn't he related to Kamana Wanaleiu?

  • chascates

    This is why I could never figure out racehorse betting.

    • noodlesalad

      I'll Have Another Orly Taitz, for the exacta!

    • Getta you Tootsie Frootsie ice-a cream! Getta you ice-a cream….

  • anniegetyerfun

    Dear California,

    Please give me Orly Taitz as a Republican contender against Diane. Please. It's all I've ever asked of you*.



    *OK, I also asked for affordable housing, which you did NOT deliver. This is the least you can do, fuckers.

    • Oh Annie, I'd LOVE to oblige, but I can't, I just can't!
      It's just too horrifying!

      • You've been crying about this for hours, haven't you? (Such a punim!)

    • Callyson

      Senator Feinstein, you're not fooling anyone…

    • Boojum

      I have a spare bed.

  • prommie

    That picture, up there, that picture, that horror, that will delay orgasm, for sure, if it wouldn't cause immediate deflation. Damn, thats fucking scary.

    • FNMA

      Is that photo what Catholics use for birth control?

    • nounverb911

      Think of it as GOP birth control.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        That picture just gave me an abortion.

        • Jesus! I'm not even gonna ask wut came OUTA there.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        related……..this is a real WTF? it seems to me. We're only now learning what these things actually do?

        Abortion Qualms on Morning-After Pill May Be Unfounded

        • Interesting. Thank you.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Anything for teh Borg.

          • That is so sweet! (Hugs Bb4s) Thank you.

            This is a kinder, gentler Borg, you know.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            uh huh. yeah, sure.

        • tessiee

          That is interesting, but I guarantee they'll find some way to whine about that, too — because after all, as we all know, it has nothing to do with the preciousl Jeebus babbys and everything to do with punishing women dirty, dirty whores.

  • Dildeaux

    Apparently, a birfer and a huffer.

  • Florence Henderson looks like death warmed over.

    • scvirginia

      Florence Henderson libel!

    • Generation[redacted]

      I've been waiting for her to reprise her role in Shakes the Clown.

    • TribecaMike

      From what I've heard in interviews over the years, Ms. Henderson is politically progressive.

  • Anyone have a link to ACORN's "unlawful California voter registration for nonresidents" page? I can't wait!

    • Generation[redacted]

      I'm still waiting for help establishing my illegal immigrant prostitution ring. They really dropped the ball on that one. I'm going to complain about their customer service on Yelp.

    • Callyson

      ACORN is so 2010. The real "unlawful California voter registration for nonresidents" page is on every union thug website.

  • Estproph

    Maybe we need to enact a new qualification for the Senate; namely, that Senators are not allowed to be crazystupid.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Be a lot of new faces in the Dirksen bldg in 2012, if that rule went into place.

  • bumfug

    Thank god I read this before strolling up Pico to my polling place. Done and done.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    That face makes my lady testicles crawl up in my body.

    • Exhausted66

      Thus, exposing your taitz.

    • prommie

      Are you a lady? Damn, you gotta let people know this shit, what if I had gone and spoke french to you unawares, do you realize what could have happened?

      • FakaktaSouth

        Try it and let's see. (hands on hips, foot tapping) Go ahead.

        • prommie

          Pardonnez moi, s'il vous plaît ne me fais pas mal!

          • Mieux quitter pendant que tu et en avance, mon ami

          • prommie

            Ne me quittez pas.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Essence sans plomb seulement.

            (That was my romantic line when my girlfriends asked me to say something in French.)

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I'll just use orly's pic as birth control. no problem.

      • tessiee

        "what if I had gone and spoke french to you unawares, do you realize what could have happened?"

        The two of you would have been swept away by passion and started kissing like Gomez and Morticia Addams?

    • Trust me, ALL testicles of any gender whatsoever crawl up in their respective bodies. Or anyone else's. Just. To. HIDE.

    • tessiee

      "That face makes my lady testicles crawl up in my body."

      I have to think that's a good thing, since lady testicles are ovaries, and they probably should be up in your body.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        No no. Lady testicles are phantom body parts that I can feel sometimes, usually as part of my fight or flight response, but don't actually exist. Kind of like an amputee, except they never actually existed. Ovaries are totally different.

  • edgydrifter

    She'd probably be just as good at senating as she is at tooth-lawyering.

  • Estproph

    I didn't realize there were blonde tarantulas.

  • sharethegrief

    She reminds me of The Crying Game. Have you ever seen the hands on her?

    • Excuse me, that one was *pretty.*

      • sharethegrief

        That s/he was, MB.

  • She looks like Lady Ga Ga's dumpster baby.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Is there a spanx large enough for America's middle, hips and upper thighs?

    The GOP’s most reliable supporters are increasingly crammed into the South and the Midwest, energized by an ever more embattled sense of grievance and cultural alienation, while the rest of the country becomes younger, more multicultural, and more socially liberal.

    • You're saying America has FUPA, ain'tcha?

  • SayItWithWookies

    But stating this Tuesday, California will implement a new election process, known as "Top Two." Instead of closed primaries, in which only registered Republicans or Democrats could vote for a candidate in their respective party, anyone can vote for any candidate. The top two candidates would then run in the November election. This reform could well break the hold that party activists have on their own primary system, allowing a more moderate Republican candidate to emerge.

    Awesome strategy, GOP — now all you need is a moderate California Republican and you'll be set. I hear Joe Lieberman's not too busy right now.

    • Bring 'im over. I've got a set of instruments that have been longing for a date with RapeGurneyJoe for a LONG time.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Moderate Republican? That's Dianne Fienstein, 1976. Right now, though, the California Republicans look for the most electable candidates in local districts, and promptly expel them for apostasy and witchcraft.

  • Dildeaux

    Photo harshes fapp buzz.

  • She seems very strange.

    • No shit.

    • tessiee

      This, coming from a guy who wears his cat as a hat.

  • Wonderthing

    I vote for Oily Tits. In a landslide.

    • That's the only place I'd vote for her.

  • SorosBot

    MissTaken did her part, voting for the crazy Taitz to try and ensure only the most unelectable Republican gets their nomination.

    • MissTaken

      I did! I've never been so proud to call myself a Californian.

      • SorosBot

        It makes me proud, too! Hopefully you will help put her into the general election. That would give Wonkette tons of material over the next few months.

    • Generation[redacted]

      "Crazy Tits" — my favorite strip club.

    • Callyson

      I'm on my way to the polls to join her!

    • Dude! What part of secret ballot do you not understand?!?!?!?!?!

      Did you get upskirt pictures of her in the voting booth?

  • TribecaMike

    Ms. Taitz, I knew Carl Paladino; I worked with Carl Paladino, and you sir are no Carl Paladino!

  • I never realized that "bed head" could be a terminal condition.

    Just shows to go ya……

    • tessiee

      "a terminal condition"

      We can hope, anyway.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I demand to see her long-form realtor's license!

  • fartknocker

    Each time I see her the phrase Honey Badger pops into my mind. I have no reason for this.

    • Don't need one. I get "naked mole rat."

  • mavenmaven

    Funny looking animal in that picture. What is Bristol naming it?

  • scvirginia

    This has long been a dilemma for those of us who live in states where you aren't required to register as a Repub or Dem. You can vote for the crazy Rethug in the primary with the hopeful assumption that the opposing Dem will stand a better chance, but I live in SC. Whoever wins the GOP primary is likely to be the ultimate winner- at least in state-wide races- no matter how crazy. (And I do still vote just in case the voting machines aren't rigged that day…)

    So if that is a photo of California's next senator, just remember that you helped make it happen!

    • carolinaswamp

      Now, now, fellow South Carolinian. Just because we've had more total votes reported for the candidates than voters listed as having appeared at the polls, just because vote totals sometimes change mysteriously and suddenly at the end of the day, just because your grandfather can hack into SC's ancient machines and he can't even pick up his own email — there is no reason to impugn the integrity of our SC electoral system. Our legislators really care about every vote, just ask them!

      • scvirginia

        Of course they care about every vote- they have, shall we say, an almost proprietary interest in those votes. The voters, on the other hand…

  • CapeClod

    Someone get in touch with Perseus. He obviously hasn't finished the job.

    • Can't. We've all turned to stone.

  • The dopey Senate deserves her!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think the testosterone injections are working.

    • I don't even want to see the needle/hypo they'd need to use.

  • smashedinhat

    I look at that picture and I see a toilet brush. Anyone else? Should I ™ it?

    • Oh, HELL to the yeah! Maybe you can sell it at PatriotDepot!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What? Obama hasn't ordered a drone strike against her yet?

    Don't you hate it when global domination conspiracies aren't as exciting as they should be?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    California will let you vote on anything, nearly. Gay marriage, weed, whether or not you want the governor you elected…

  • A to the CORN, bitches!

  • BarackMyWorld


    • Steverino247

      See Swope, Putney.

  • Do you think Jay Leno and his fellow comedians would vote for Orly just to have a steady supply of material?

    • Yeah. Those dirty, rotten bastids.

  • TribecaMike

    This "top two" idea is much too narrow-minded, especially for California. Voters should also be able to vote for, among other things, "None of the above," "All of the above," "Shelled or unshelled," "It doesn't really matter who wins since the Rothschilds make the rules," who gets dibs on the least wobbly bar stools, Catholic bishops and cardinals, the laws of thermodynamics, and Jack Nicholson's girlfriend de jour.

    • You know California. By the time the voters get in the fucking booth, who knows what the hell they're seeing on those forms.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      You obviously ARE following San Francisco's Board of Supervisors primary.

  • neiltheblaze

    Whenever Orly takes off her eye makeup she loses three pounds.

    • Three pounds of what, I notice you don't say.

      • neiltheblaze

        Petroleum byproducts?

        • Good guess, neil. I was going for something along the lines of "exudate from month-old corpses," but I could be wrong.

  • Baconzgood

    A MISTAKE ON WONKETTE!!!!!!!?????!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

    That's it I'm going to the Blaze to get my newz LOLs.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Which is smart, because Glen Beck would never admit a mistake. The voices in his head won't let him.

  • Ok, what is this, dueling posts?????

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Best drunk panda mugshot ever!

  • BarackMyWorld

    OT: Add another entry to the Romney Flip Flop File
    Mitt Romney Says He Would Have Backed Auto Bailout After Managed Bankruptcy

    As a rule, I don't really mind it if politicians change their position on issues when new information become available or they admit they were wrong, but the only rule Mitt seems to be following is: "When you change your position, pretend that was your position all along."

    • I think *that's* precisely what bugs most everybody about Mittens' flipflops. He shamelessly LIES about his flipflopping, leaving his hearers doubtful about their sanity and his own.

  • On June 26, 2000, the United States Supreme Court issued a decision in California Democratic Party, et. al. v. Jones, stating that California’s “open” primary system, established by Proposition 198, was unconstitutional because it violated a political party’s First Amendment right of association. Therefore, the Supreme Court overturned Proposition 198.

    Clearly, this law is in violation of the 1987 Yauch v. Horowitz decision, also known as "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party"

    • BarackMyWorld

      Wasn't it later overturned in the case of Sleep v. Brooklyn?

  • elviouslyqueer

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Suzanne Somers is looking a bit rough these days. Must be that new diet.

    • TribecaMike

      Plus there was that freak Thighmaster "accident."

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Dear Rebecca,

    You can blame us up in Washington for all of this. You copied the old open primary, where you could vote for whatever candidate you wanted to in each position in the primary, for each party. So you could vote for both the Republican and Democratic nominees for Secretary of State, and Lt. Governor, Etc. etc. etc. The Washington State Grange came up with that in the 1930s. It was a nice system, that played well to independents and kept the extremist at bay.

    But the Supreme Court didn't like that because they claimed it interfered with the parties ability to control their nomination process, since a Democrat could vote for the Republican nominee, a Libertarian for a Green, etc. etc., and stuck it down.

    So, for a while, California and Washington were stuck with normal party primaries.

    But we up here in the land of milk and honey came up with the top-two primary system. You can once again vote for whoever you want for whatever office. The workaround? you are voting for the office, not the nominee of the party. In Washington, the people are listed as "prefers Democratic Party" or "prefers Republican Party" or what have you. No party is guaranteed a spot on the ballot, and the top two, from whatever party, goes through.

    A decent alternative, although it has basically killed off third-parties in most races. But it allows independents and others who don't want to declare themselves a Democrat or Republican in the system during the primary process. And has so far past one attempt to have it thrown out by the Supreme Court.

    Personally, I like the old open primary, as it worked, and I think the state should be able to run the system however it wants (if the parties want control, let them nominate people at their convention, which is what they do now under top-two), and I like the ability to have a say and pick from the best of both parties (and there was no signs that this, or top-two, for that matter, ever caused any mischief). But, since Scalia didn't like it, top-two works, although, with the caveat that it kills off third-parties.

    I'll send you the bill for the .4 I used to write this.

  • VespulaMaculata

    :o As Richard Pryor once put it, "I seen better faces on an iodine bottle!"

  • extreme_left

    Chrissy Amphlett doesn't look so good these days.

  • Nostrildamus

    Tits or GTFO !!

  • hollywooddood

    Would someone please give her a bath?

  • ttommyunger

    That pix should be on the back of every Viagra bottle, in case of priapism.

  • brosephgoebbels

    Vote early, vote Taitz! I'll connect her arrow with my pen any day.

    • TribecaMike

      Looks like a train beat you to it.

  • It was a total "strange wormhole" moment seeing her name on my Democratic Ballot that I get to pick out because I am a decline-to-stater. Yes, I threw up in my mouth a little in that moment. Thanks for asking.

  • lulzmonger

    The previous system was a flagrant violation of voters' Umpteenth Amendment rights as upheld in the famous DeLorean v. Flux Capacitor decision of 1988.

  • Smithboy

    Shouldn't she be serving her country, the US not Israel, by joining the military and fighting in the wars she and her neocon friends love to promote?

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