meth is a hell of a drug

What Should Bristol Palin Name Her New Dog?

mehIt looks as if St. Bristol Palin, Virgin Queen of Wasilla, might have finally fired her ghost-blogger, as all her new blog posts are one sentence long and stupid. For instance, this thing above!

Put on your thinking caps, Wonkers, there is work to be done! What should Bristol Palin name her new dog?

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world’s leading questionnaire tool.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. PuckStopsHere

      They were SURVEYORS MARKS, Barb. Surveyors marks. OT–Did you get the prom pic I sent?

      1. LionHeartSoyDog

        Surveyor's marks?
        Is that what the kid's are calling a "landing strip" these days?

  1. Barb

    He's big and black and probably not going to come when called repeatedly. Name him Glenn Rice.

    1. Rotundo_

      Comment of the day candidate here. She's going to love life with an animal that poops bigger than she does (or so I think? then again maybe not…) that *she* has to pick up after. The urine stains should be of biblical proportions as well.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, Newfies are great dogs if you live on 100 acres and never let the thing come inside the house. Or if you don't mind giving a 150-lb fur-beast a good bath twice a week.

        1. NorthStarSpanx

          Well that's the beauty of their huge family network. Sarah's sibs get to take care of their whims – be it children, pets or people of questionable standing shooting for political office or appointments.

        2. tessiee

          Oh! THOSE guys! The ones that look like all-black Saint Bernards with glossy fur. They're beautiful!
          …but they are huge, though.

  2. MissTaken

    I like Methpipe, but I think only one-syllable names are used in Alaska. Perhaps just Meth?

    1. Beowoof

      Methpipe was my vote. But only because it would confuse Brisdull to name the dog shit head, who are you talking to the dog, my mom or me.

  3. noodlesalad

    MacGrifter, like the crime dog, but instead of criminals he chases spotlights and playgirl models.

    1. __kth__

      Spent my money, took my car
      Started tellin all her friends she gon be a star

      I don't know but I've been told
      Big-legged woman ain't got no soul

  4. tbogg

    Personally I would have liked to been there when she called her mom and said she had a new addition to the family AND HE'S BLACK! Hilarious hijinks and cleaning up of lady poop to follow.

  5. mavenmaven

    With this type of syntax and subject matter, is she looking for a career at Time Magazine?

    1. tessiee

      Since Time Magazine is basically limited to:
      1. "Back to the Kitchen, Bitch: The Scientific Reasons why Gender Stereotypes are Necessary and Good"
      2. "Why did Jesus have to die? It was the Jews, Timmy"
      3. "Something something world war 2"
      Brisdull may actually meet their standards.

  6. Barb

    Weego! Name him Weego. Please, train that dog to fetch wine coolers and condoms. Here Weego!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      How can she train a dog to fetch condoms when she can't even do it herself?

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Dinty Moore, that's all any of them eat in the Palin households anyway.

      Moose Casserole is only for the Today Show.

  7. JustPixelz

    Mitt named his dog "Cargo". What's wrong with that?

    Most of the names in your wonkette survey are already Palin family nicknames. Won't that be confusing at Thanksgiving? "I wasn't talking to you Shithead, I was talking to my husband."

    That guy in the picture. There's something about him. Is his name Marcus?

    1. SorosBot

      And like that giant fake new chin of hers, she probably doesn't realize it looks hideous.

      1. MissTaken

        Maybe I haven't had enough coffee this morning but I think she looks kinda cute in that picture. Almost like a casual, normal 22ish? year old.

        1. SorosBot

          It's the new chin and nose that make her look weird; before the plastic surgery she looked normal, but now she looks like she's trying to look like a Cardassian.

          1. tessiee

            What th–??
            Her nose is fake, too?
            She PAID for that nose?
            Please tell me that she didn't pay for that nose.

          2. Generation[redacted]

            If it makes you feel any better, her mom's political donors paid for it.

        2. LionHeartSoyDog

          The kids look okay in the foto.
          But if they asked me to buy them beer outside the 7-11, i'd have to politely decline.

      2. KarenJ503

        Sister Willow, who sported a similar 'do in February, probably did Bristol's new look:

        Willow is said to be attending "hair school" to learn how to sculpt coiffures like that.

        Only in Wasilla, Alaska…

        1. actor212

          Now now, in fairness, when you're humping on the back of a moving snowmobile, you don't want your hair getting tangled in the halftrack

    2. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Pentecostal. You can take the baby out of the Jesus, but you can't take the Jesus out of the baby. Or something.

    3. Native_of_SL_UT

      Oh, That's a hairdo? I thought that was the dog they were talking about.
      OK, I see the dog on their lap now.

    4. tessiee

      I noticed that too! Seriously what the hell was she think–… Oh, right.
      [to self] "Thinking"! I kill me!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You never know, they may find a No-Kill animal shelter to dump it on. But it'll be more like 4 months; those Newfies grow pretty fast.

    2. NorthStarSpanx

      Yeah, come to think of it, where did their opportunity dogs ACES and AGIA go since those two landmark pieces of superficial Palin legislation got McCain's attention?

  8. Beetagger

    For fuck's sake, why doesn't she just start a new reality show where the goal is to name the dog. Christ, she's got a lot to learn. Also, Mittens.

  9. dijetlo

    " Fucking Dog"
    The first time he craps on her carpet, that's what she's going to call him and when training animals, it's all about consistency.

  10. MissTaken

    Bristol is an idiot. Everyone know you can't have a methlab in a gray plastic tub. It will melt everywhere and then you'll never get your trailer rental deposit back.

      1. FlownOver

        Hey! No F'in fair! Whenever I type that word (the one just before the question mark) I get commenter-excommunicated instantaneously!

        1. tessiee

          *as inspector Clouseau*
          Upon closer in-spec-zi-one, you weel notice zat ze name, she eez spell weeth a nombair "one", not a lettair "I".

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    Otto. Only one true way to know if a woman loves you…If she'll have your dog.

    1. commiegirl

      Guess how many pairs of shoes I got? Guess how many ties? Shit, I don't know myself.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      We'll get the results around the same time we get to see those Romney app pics from last week. :(

  12. Barb

    Name him "W.C. Fields" He won't work with animals or children and if it weren't for animals and children, Bristol would be working at The Waffle House and not getting her own *cough* reality TV show.

  13. el_donaldo


    When I was young my parents had a black cockerpoo named Sambo. I die a little inside when I remember it.

    1. tessiee

      In the days when I was too young to think about such things, I had a copy of that storybook, and I just loved it, because: a) Sambo had a red jacket, blue trousers, and purple shoes. PURPLE SHOES! b) pancakes for breakfast.

  14. Poindexter718

    If she has any sense of familial irony, something plain like "Jim," or "Bill," or "Mike."

    1. actor212

      Nah, you know who that is? That's that post-adolescent actor that's always the first killed in every slasher flic you've ever seen. You know, he's a douche, but he's a dopey fun-loving douche and every girl gets upset he's dead because he makes them feel good about themselves when they reject his clumsy flirts.

    2. hippie13

      He seems a bit hetero challenged…are they going to bring in the bachmann clan and butch him up?

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe she could call it "STFU Faggot." Though I don't know how you'd verbalize "STFU." Stafoo? Sutfuh?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I believe the correct pronunciation is "shut the fuck up." I'm having trouble locating it in my OED, however.

  16. Doktor StrangeZoom

    "The Thing We're TOTALLY Into This Week"?


    "Passing Fancy"?

    "Cute Now, But We'll Eventually Get Bored Of It. Hey, Do We Still Have That Kid, Now That You Mention It?"

    Or maybe the name I originally gave to my first betta fish: "Disposable Pet" (later changed it to "Flushy," and then the silly thing lived nearly two years)

  17. elviouslyqueer

    I'm thinking "Shelter Bound." Poor thing, it really doesn't stand a chance with this cunty famewhore.

    Oh, and is Brisket aware that her boyfriend is gayer than Elton John's boyfriend's cock ring? Is all I'm asking.

    1. MissTaken

      The plaid flannel with camo cargo shorts does scream "I'm trying really, really hard to be straight! Really hard!".

      1. tessiee

        And when they pumped their stomachs in the Emergency Room…
        Oh, no, wait. That was Rod Stewart.

    2. chicken_thief

      He does seem to be enjoying the dry humping that Fido is giving him. Or he's giving Fido. Whatevs.

  18. owhatever

    And here I was thinking that being owned by Mitt Romney was the worst thing that could happen to a dog. Name — something super manly: Nailin'

  19. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Excuse me while I go hug my big red pound rescue and apologize for everything her previous redneck owners did to her.

    1. UnholyMoses

      Our recently acquired Pembroke Corgi (our third dog, named Kei, who had about a thousand flea bites due to previous neglect) will be getting some extra belly rubs tonight.

      Well, okay — so will the other two. (Turns out that dogs can, in fact, be jealous.)

        1. UnholyMoses

          We considered fostering, but would get too attached to all of 'em and … well, that's a lot of poop to scoop.

  20. Eve8Apples

    She better not let it run around the yard or her mom may shoot it from a helicopter.

    I'd name it "16 Minutes" because her 15 Minutes are over.

  21. Jeri 2.0

    Calculus? No, I'm sure she's never heard that word. Spore Trail? No, too elite. Fuck it, just let me say I think their living room is FABULOUS! A little sparse, but as soon as they get a few more storage totes and some more art work (I bet that's the 2nd amendment written out in script there behind Brisket) it will be dreamy.

    1. tessiee

      "Calculus? No, I'm sure she's never heard that word."

      Hell, I don't think she can count to 28, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

    2. tessiee

      "as soon as they get a few more storage totes and some more art work"

      I know where they can pick up a really cheesy painting of a Nordic knight.

  22. TootsStansbury

    Who the fuck cares? The country is going to shit; roaming starving hordes are going to end up eating it anyway.

  23. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I named my labrador Paxil because the lovable doofus was the most effective antidepressant I'd ever met. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but perhaps they should call this pup Adderall?

  24. Guppy

    Black and Canadian? And welcome in her home?

    Also, to repeat what others have said: gayface.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    "St. Bristol Palin, Virgin Queen of Wasilla, might have finally fired her ghost-blogger"

    Fired? Nah, the paychecks probably just kept bouncing.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    Call him Heartworm or Intestinal Parasites, because that's what he'll no doubt have soon.

  27. actor212

    She could name him "My-mommy-cost-her-mommy-the-VicePresidency-because-everyone-wondered-how-family-values-came-into-play-if-she's-a-pregnant-slut"

    Or, you know, Fido. That works

  28. UnholyMoses

    That guy looks like he should be in a Kids in the Hall sketch.

    The dog's name: LaClifford, the Big Blah Dog.

  29. iburl

    Most people name their kids things like "Heather" and "Jason" and their pets "Spot" and "Whiskers".

    The Palins name their kids "Tripp" and "Bristol" so it logically follows that the pets should be named things like "Xgllhgyert" and "Skroputyheheh".

  30. SayItWithWookies

    I hope it follows her everywhere and she loves it. With that in mind, she ought to call it Tramp Stamp.

  31. vtxmcrider

    He's a big black Newfoundland? I am not convinced. The dude looks plenty white to me. And how do we know where he is from without the birf certificate?

  32. VespulaMaculata

    I forget already about the new boyfriend…? She's shackin' up with him but not fuckin' him, or fuckin' him but not shackin' up with him?

  33. Joey_Blau

    Big Blackie!

    Mr. Black!


    "something that when she calls out the dog's name makes you think she is having sex with a black man"

    1. tessiee


      Nah. Then when someone quite correctly observes that everyone in that family is fuckin' goofy, it would sound like cruelty to animals.

  34. tessiee

    It should probably be something that fits in with the rest of that family, but "Welfare Recipient" is really more of a *cat* name, don't'cha think?

  35. HobbesEvilTwin

    /snark off She should do the poor thing a favor and just call the Humane Society so they can come take the dog away now, before it has to suffer any more.

  36. PubOption

    Well if she's got a kid called Trip, she should call the dog Fall. She might then get a job doing ads for a shyster law firm.

  37. Millennial Malaise

    Sarah actually bought the dog a few months ago, but when she had to make a few last minute campaign stops, Bristol adopted it.

  38. BarackMyWorld


    (Besides the newspapers she eads, of course.)

    1. tessiee

      And if it turns out to be too much trouble to keep, they can make a trip with many, many unscheduled stops in the middle of nowhere, in the hopes of just sort of "accidentally" losing it.

  39. tessiee

    Given the size that those things grow to, I hope she puts more effort into raising it than her [snicker!] parents put into raising their kids — or that she put into preventing her little oops, for that matter — but I know which way I'd bet.

  40. Eve8Apples

    I just hope they all get neutered and spayed as soon as possible. We don't need any more Palin pregnancies.

  41. BaldarTFlagass

    OK, time for a new post. I mean, I'm at work, shouldn't the Wonkette staff be at work also?

    1. Eve8Apples

      Maybe they're at the liquor store stocking up on office supplies to blog the Wisconsin election results later tonight.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Honestly, that twatwaffle's blog is like an unflushable turd in the toilet bowl of life.

      1. Rotundo_

        Sorta like the feather in "Forrest Gump" only floating away in the bowl after flush 17….

    2. tessiee

      I love how she makes a point of saying, "No, we *aren't* living together", in the article; just as if she hadn't already had at least one and possibly two bastard babbys and her chastity were still an issue. Barn door, meet horse.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Widely regarded as the second worst Pink Floyd song ever, just after "Take Up Thy Stethascope and Walk."

        Oh, and Seamus sang on the studio album, but not the live version. Probably Roger fired him.

        1. tessiee

          Meh [shrug] I like old blues. "Seamus" sounds like an old blues song. Therefore, I like "Seamus".

          "Seamus sang on the studio album, but not the live version. Probably Roger fired him."
          And then claimed that *he* was a dog and the song was actually written about him.

  42. CommieLibunatic

    Because she apparently has good taste in dogs (broken clocks being right twice a day and such) and I don't want to slight a poor creature who is already unfortunate enough to live with a Palin, I non-sarcastically recommend Nanuk or Aklark, Canadian Inuit for "polar bear" and "brown bear" respectively.

    Here's to hoping the poor thing doesn't get shot.

  43. ChessieNefercat

    How about Fuck Off? That's probably the only way the poor thing will ever be addressed anyway.

  44. Terry

    She needs two puppies, one named Bartles and the other named James.

    Do they still make Bartles and James or am I dating myself? How about Canai wine?

    1. tessiee

      I wanted a black lab, but I couldn't afford one. Then I wanted a yellow lab, but I couldn't afford one. So I got a meth lab. Now I can afford any dog I want. — old joke

  45. elburritodeluxe

    Bristol and her live-in boyfriend have a nice place for a pair of uneducated high school grads starting out on their own. They are a couple of high achievers! Why can't all young people learn from their example?

  46. stncmchnc

    This vettening needs moar O'Queefing. James, swab your poopdeck, grab your roofies and dildos, and fire up your sex boat. Oh shit, nevermind, this isn't Ghost of Breitbart. Bristol, who cares that you're trying to look like K Kar, but actually on the fast track to Joan Riverstown. It doesn't matter! Good luck with your show, and your abstinence works speeches, and Gawdspeed.

  47. MadBrahms

    "Big Black Newfoundland" was one of the CBC's less successful sitcom attempts, in spite of the "Little Mosque on the Prairie" lead-in.

  48. divecomputer

    You can name him "sit" so that when you say
    Come here sit…sounds ridiculous :D

  49. tessiee

    "he revolutionized the conservative voice as brave, combative and ready to discuss."

    If those asstards can even *spell* the word "discuss", they probably think it's a frisbee.

  50. tessiee

    So, are we just sort of assuming that "Trailer Trash Hosebeast" is a little TOO on-the-nose?

  51. ChessieNefercat

    She's done so well parenting human kidlets, why shouldn't she try another species? Where are you, ASPCA?

  52. TribecaMike

    My suggestion of "Five Finger Discount" has been "awaiting moderation" at Bristol's Blog for over 5 hours. I don't think she likes me.

  53. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Target" would be perfect on so many levels, but I think "Glock" would probably appeal to Bristle.

  54. hippie13

    Apparently bristol is confused by three letter words…BIG means large or full grown, she has a puppy which is SMALL. Do be fair she did get DOG correct.

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