It looks as if St. Bristol Palin, Virgin Queen of Wasilla, might have finally fired her ghost-blogger, as all her new blog posts are one sentence long and stupid. For instance, this thing above!
Put on your thinking caps, Wonkers, there is work to be done! What should Bristol Palin name her new dog?
Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world’s leading questionnaire tool.
{ 302 comments }
If she has another baby she should name him, "Target" Everyone had a shot at it.
All You Can Eat
It would be weird to name your dog same as your vay-jay.
The lucky shot was shooting blanks.
They were SURVEYORS MARKS, Barb. Surveyors marks. OT–Did you get the prom pic I sent?
Surveyor's marks?
Is that what the kid's are calling a "landing strip" these days?
Is that with the French pronunciation?
Jiffy. Spreads so easy.
Unlucky
I vote for the puppy name "Mooch" (the Pooch).
He's big and black and probably not going to come when called repeatedly. Name him Glenn Rice.
Damn it, Barb. You beat me to it (again).
Comment of the day candidate here. She's going to love life with an animal that poops bigger than she does (or so I think? then again maybe not…) that *she* has to pick up after. The urine stains should be of biblical proportions as well.
Yeah, Newfies are great dogs if you live on 100 acres and never let the thing come inside the house. Or if you don't mind giving a 150-lb fur-beast a good bath twice a week.
Well that's the beauty of their huge family network. Sarah's sibs get to take care of their whims – be it children, pets or people of questionable standing shooting for political office or appointments.
Oh! THOSE guys! The ones that look like all-black Saint Bernards with glossy fur. They're beautiful!
…but they are huge, though.
Thanks, Rotundo_.
I like Methpipe, but I think only one-syllable names are used in Alaska. Perhaps just Meth?
But when she starts calling out for Meth, all the other Alaskans will rush to her.
Methpipe was my vote. But only because it would confuse Brisdull to name the dog shit head, who are you talking to the dog, my mom or me.
Innocent victim
"Collateral Damage"
Which one is the dog in the pic?
All of them, Katie.
MacGrifter, like the crime dog, but instead of criminals he chases spotlights and playgirl models.
Good. I'd been thinking of "Li'l Grifty".
Though "Three Degrees of Irrelevancy" would work too. ("3rd Degree" for short.)
Blah Dog.
Spent my money, took my car
Started tellin all her friends she gon be a star
I don't know but I've been told
Big-legged woman ain't got no soul
Personally I would have liked to been there when she called her mom and said she had a new addition to the family AND HE'S BLACK! Hilarious hijinks and cleaning up of lady poop to follow.
Additional 15 Minutes Of Fame
With this type of syntax and subject matter, is she looking for a career at Time Magazine?
Since Time Magazine is basically limited to:
1. "Back to the Kitchen, Bitch: The Scientific Reasons why Gender Stereotypes are Necessary and Good"
2. "Why did Jesus have to die? It was the Jews, Timmy"
and
3. "Something something world war 2"
Brisdull may actually meet their standards.
Weego! Name him Weego. Please, train that dog to fetch wine coolers and condoms. Here Weego!
How can she train a dog to fetch condoms when she can't even do it herself?
Someone's watched too many Bud Lite commercials
Jiggerboo. In honor of the blah of it.
Probably just a “Trial Puppy” anyway why name it yet.
Dinty Moore, that's all any of them eat in the Palin households anyway.
Moose Casserole is only for the Today Show.
Yet? Short for Yeti Palin?
She should name the dog "Methlab", obviously.
FIDO, a.k.a, Fucking Idiot Dog Owner.
Almost makes me want to listen to The Hives
She should name him "Shut My Gaping Hole." Just as a daily moral reminder.
Gaping hole = va-jay-jay or mouth? Butt? All of them, Katie?!
I assume that the last choice is pronounced "Shuh-teed?"
Life-saver.
Bartle and/or James?
Age is showing!
ZIMA LIBEL!!!!
Walnuts, obvs.
I vote for Alprazolam
Obama of course.
Shuck n' Jibe.
Mitt named his dog "Cargo". What's wrong with that?
Most of the names in your wonkette survey are already Palin family nicknames. Won't that be confusing at Thanksgiving? "I wasn't talking to you Shithead, I was talking to my husband."
That guy in the picture. There's something about him. Is his name Marcus?
They're saving "Cargo" for the next baby.
seven or eight months from now
"Secret Fantasy," obviously.
Poor dog; won't be too long before she quits taking care of him.
Big black Newfoundland? Funny, in that picture he looks blond and white.
Wait…
What does she call that fucking hairdo?
The "Pebbles".
Yes, that is what she calls it.
The Cumover.
Winner^^^
And like that giant fake new chin of hers, she probably doesn't realize it looks hideous.
It's not for looks, it's for comfort. The concrete under the football stadium isn't soft, you know!
It gets her more appearances on The Tonight Show.
Maybe I haven't had enough coffee this morning but I think she looks kinda cute in that picture. Almost like a casual, normal 22ish? year old.
It's the new chin and nose that make her look weird; before the plastic surgery she looked normal, but now she looks like she's trying to look like a Cardassian.
KHLOE LIBE–
Oh, wait.
What th–??
Her nose is fake, too?
She PAID for that nose?
Please tell me that she didn't pay for that nose.
The kids look okay in the foto.
But if they asked me to buy them beer outside the 7-11, i'd have to politely decline.
Sister Willow, who sported a similar 'do in February, probably did Bristol's new look:
http://tinyurl.com/d8vs89d
Willow is said to be attending "hair school" to learn how to sculpt coiffures like that.
Only in Wasilla, Alaska…
Now now, in fairness, when you're humping on the back of a moving snowmobile, you don't want your hair getting tangled in the halftrack
Pentecostal. You can take the baby out of the Jesus, but you can't take the Jesus out of the baby. Or something.
Oh, That's a hairdo? I thought that was the dog they were talking about.
OK, I see the dog on their lap now.
I noticed that too! Seriously what the hell was she think–… Oh, right.
*snicker*
[to self] "Thinking"! I kill me!
I thought all Palin females had PHD's (pentecostal hair-do's)… am I wrong?
Name it – "I'll be dead within 6 months" and be done with it.
You never know, they may find a No-Kill animal shelter to dump it on. But it'll be more like 4 months; those Newfies grow pretty fast.
Yeah, come to think of it, where did their opportunity dogs ACES and AGIA go since those two landmark pieces of superficial Palin legislation got McCain's attention?
For fuck's sake, why doesn't she just start a new reality show where the goal is to name the dog. Christ, she's got a lot to learn. Also, Mittens.
" Fucking Dog"
The first time he craps on her carpet, that's what she's going to call him and when training animals, it's all about consistency.
Bristol is an idiot. Everyone know you can't have a methlab in a gray plastic tub. It will melt everywhere and then you'll never get your trailer rental deposit back.
It's a black dog? Name should rhyme with Tigger.
Digger?
Don't you think it would be awfully confusing if she named it Tr1gger?
Hey! No F'in fair! Whenever I type that word (the one just before the question mark) I get commenter-excommunicated instantaneously!
*as inspector Clouseau*
Upon closer in-spec-zi-one, you weel notice zat ze name, she eez spell weeth a nombair "one", not a lettair "I".
Wigger!
Bristol posted this, FYI, after her boo-friend reminded her that "I'll Have Another" was already
takensort of used up.Broken Condom
Ah, a First Nations name. Good choice.
Monitor + coffee spew! You owe me, Actor!
Alcohol Fueled Date Rape is too long I suppose.
I thought that was her kid.
Otto. Only one true way to know if a woman loves you…If she'll have your dog.
Guess how many pairs of shoes I got? Guess how many ties? Shit, I don't know myself.
When she's sick of it, she can call it Dinner!
What's the point of taking those surveys if we can't see the results?
yeah! storm the castle! kill them all! we want results!
We'll get the results around the same time we get to see those Romney app pics from last week. :(
You know what happens when you publish pics with survey marks on them.
Name him "W.C. Fields" He won't work with animals or children and if it weren't for animals and children, Bristol would be working at The Waffle House and not getting her own *cough* reality TV show.
Sambo.
When I was young my parents had a black cockerpoo named Sambo. I die a little inside when I remember it.
Cockerpoo? I should think so!
In the days when I was too young to think about such things, I had a copy of that storybook, and I just loved it, because: a) Sambo had a red jacket, blue trousers, and purple shoes. PURPLE SHOES! b) pancakes for breakfast.
Bristol Jr.
If she has any sense of familial irony, something plain like "Jim," or "Bill," or "Mike."
The Palins think irony is like goldy and bronzey.
Sarah…you don't get more butch than that
Is her boyfriend in a Backstreet Boys cover band or what the shit
Nah, you know who that is? That's that post-adolescent actor that's always the first killed in every slasher flic you've ever seen. You know, he's a douche, but he's a dopey fun-loving douche and every girl gets upset he's dead because he makes them feel good about themselves when they reject his clumsy flirts.
He seems a bit hetero challenged…are they going to bring in the bachmann clan and butch him up?
Which one's the dog?
Shep
Strange Taste
Maybe she could call it "STFU Faggot." Though I don't know how you'd verbalize "STFU." Stafoo? Sutfuh?
I always thought it was "stuff u"
I believe the correct pronunciation is "shut the fuck up." I'm having trouble locating it in my OED, however.
Steve-O
"Hey You, Shithead, Stop That" has a nice ring to it. And probably what it will be called more than any name it's given.
"The Thing We're TOTALLY Into This Week"?
"Shelter-Bound"?
"Passing Fancy"?
"Cute Now, But We'll Eventually Get Bored Of It. Hey, Do We Still Have That Kid, Now That You Mention It?"
Or maybe the name I originally gave to my first betta fish: "Disposable Pet" (later changed it to "Flushy," and then the silly thing lived nearly two years)
The power of Irony.
If the dog was female I'd name it Sarah.
Beat me to it.
Roofie. It will explain her next child.
Damn you.
It also allows "Roofie the Newfie".
I was really hoping "Hopey Changey" would be a choice
"Professor", since the drooling beast is an intellectual superior
Never, never wear plaid with camo!
Brig. Gen James Michael Curley, Ret.
thanks for your service.
I wonder why that guy's collar isn't popped.
Levi?
I'm thinking "Shelter Bound." Poor thing, it really doesn't stand a chance with this cunty famewhore.
Oh, and is Brisket aware that her boyfriend is gayer than Elton John's boyfriend's cock ring? Is all I'm asking.
I think I saw him in a Tom of Finland film. "Third Fluffer in the Turkish Bath" was the credit, I believe.
Hell, HE probably doesn't even know he's gay.
Client of Marcus?
The plaid flannel with camo cargo shorts does scream "I'm trying really, really hard to be straight! Really hard!".
Sir Elton and Prince Philip have both been hospitalized this last week.
And when they pumped their stomachs in the Emergency Room…
Oh, no, wait. That was Rod Stewart.
Since he apparently hasn't gotten her pregnant yet, probably.
But Michele Bachmann told her he's great husband material!
He certainly fits the gay stereotype by hanging out with a fat chick.
He does seem to be enjoying the dry humping that Fido is giving him. Or he's giving Fido. Whatevs.
Do you like…
gladiator movies…
Gino?
“Pimp Daddy”… after all Tripp was named after, it’s only fitting.
Tri–
no, that's already been used.
They could pronounce it "Tri-zhair"
And here I was thinking that being owned by Mitt Romney was the worst thing that could happen to a dog. Name — something super manly: Nailin'
Where the fuck are his legs?!
Excuse me while I go hug my big red pound rescue and apologize for everything her previous redneck owners did to her.
Our recently acquired Pembroke Corgi (our third dog, named Kei, who had about a thousand flea bites due to previous neglect) will be getting some extra belly rubs tonight.
Well, okay — so will the other two. (Turns out that dogs can, in fact, be jealous.)
Yeah, I have three.
Everyone, (including Mr. Fatale), thinks I'm a crazy dog-lady, but those rescuers (bless them), are truly hard-core.
We considered fostering, but would get too attached to all of 'em and … well, that's a lot of poop to scoop.
Updo.
Seagrams Golden Wine Palin.
Whogivesafuck?
She better not let it run around the yard or her mom may shoot it from a helicopter.
I'd name it "16 Minutes" because her 15 Minutes are over.
Calculus? No, I'm sure she's never heard that word. Spore Trail? No, too elite. Fuck it, just let me say I think their living room is FABULOUS! A little sparse, but as soon as they get a few more storage totes and some more art work (I bet that's the 2nd amendment written out in script there behind Brisket) it will be dreamy.
Yes, who knew a basement could be so chic?
"Calculus? No, I'm sure she's never heard that word."
Hell, I don't think she can count to 28, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
"as soon as they get a few more storage totes and some more art work"
I know where they can pick up a really cheesy painting of a Nordic knight.
She should call that dog Enovid.
Who the fuck cares? The country is going to shit; roaming starving hordes are going to end up eating it anyway.
I always come to the Wonkettes for my morning pep talk. Thanks.
Burrito.
She does know that guy is gay, right?
I was thinking the exact same thing. This may be a looonng trial marriage.
He'll enjoy his guest spot on Glee.
That's one way of remaining technically abstinent.
Glen Rice.
I named my labrador Paxil because the lovable doofus was the most effective antidepressant I'd ever met. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but perhaps they should call this pup Adderall?
Chin implant, Chinplant? Too chinese-y?
Cankle Biter?
Black and Canadian? And welcome in her home?
Also, to repeat what others have said: gayface.
"St. Bristol Palin, Virgin Queen of Wasilla, might have finally fired her ghost-blogger"
Fired? Nah, the paychecks probably just kept bouncing.
Aren`t they just the cutest couple? The boyfriend and the dog I mean.
As an aside, I really love what she's done with the apartment.
Didn't she buy a house in Arizona two years ago or something?
I refuse to read this foolishness.
Oh, wait. Fuck.
"Ratbag"
MacMeth, Abstinence or The Trash Whisperer.
Call him Heartworm or Intestinal Parasites, because that's what he'll no doubt have soon.
"The Palin Hookworm Conjecture" is a good dog name. Or band name.
Yes, but enough about the boyfriend.
*drumroll*
Trepan
She could name him "My-mommy-cost-her-mommy-the-VicePresidency-because-everyone-wondered-how-family-values-came-into-play-if-she's-a-pregnant-slut"
Or, you know, Fido. That works
Either poor bastard or Fi DOH!
What is it with Palin women and gigantic hair?
.357 or .223 or suppin' ammo related.
Call him "LB" cause he's headed to the Pound in about a week.
Sweetheart?
Hold it! He IS Black AND a foreigner – so "Barack".
The dude in that picture doesn't look black.
One of them does.
That guy looks like he should be in a Kids in the Hall sketch.
The dog's name: LaClifford, the Big Blah Dog.
Screw the dog's name. What they really need is an interior decorator.
What they really need is to get off mah fuckin' computer screen.
Most people name their kids things like "Heather" and "Jason" and their pets "Spot" and "Whiskers".
The Palins name their kids "Tripp" and "Bristol" so it logically follows that the pets should be named things like "Xgllhgyert" and "Skroputyheheh".
I literally literally Elled O L at Skroputyheheh.
I'm crying laughing at that-thanks!
Distemper? Must look to the future.
I hope it follows her everywhere and she loves it. With that in mind, she ought to call it Tramp Stamp.
The Palin's seem to name their children with names more appropriate for pets, so I guess I would suggest Jimmy.
Trippp.
He's a big black Newfoundland? I am not convinced. The dude looks plenty white to me. And how do we know where he is from without the birf certificate?
I forget already about the new boyfriend…? She's shackin' up with him but not fuckin' him, or fuckin' him but not shackin' up with him?
I'll bet he's REALLY comfy with a "no shagging" (girls) policy.
Big Blackie!
Mr. Black!
Goofy
"something that when she calls out the dog's name makes you think she is having sex with a black man"
Mandingo?
"Goofy"
Nah. Then when someone quite correctly observes that everyone in that family is fuckin' goofy, it would sound like cruelty to animals.
Oh Sweet Mystery of Life at Last I Found Thee?
Hmm…
It should probably be something that fits in with the rest of that family, but "Welfare Recipient" is really more of a *cat* name, don't'cha think?
/snark off She should do the poor thing a favor and just call the Humane Society so they can come take the dog away now, before it has to suffer any more.
Well if she's got a kid called Trip, she should call the dog Fall. She might then get a job doing ads for a shyster law firm.
Where is that fucker's birf certificate?
Hey, we could at least figure out who the dog's father is.
So, is the dog going to pull the sled, or does Sarah need a new coat?
Publicity Hound?
I think we have a winner.
She will name him Pecker. She got him because her boyfriend has a tiny p-ness.
Sarah actually bought the dog a few months ago, but when she had to make a few last minute campaign stops, Bristol adopted it.
SINCE WHEN DOES A PALIN NEED HELPING NAMING SOMETHING?
(Besides the newspapers she eads, of course.)
If she named it You, everybody could just call it by saying, "Hey, You!".
If it was genetically defective they could call it Dogg and campaign with it.
And if it turns out to be too much trouble to keep, they can make a trip with many, many unscheduled stops in the middle of nowhere, in the hopes of just sort of "accidentally" losing it.
Scrofula
I'd go for "Tre" since this is the third young'un she will be raising.
how about, "most competent member of the household?"
Given the size that those things grow to, I hope she puts more effort into raising it than her [snicker!] parents put into raising their kids — or that she put into preventing her little oops, for that matter — but I know which way I'd bet.
I got nuth…….uh….
Blew?
I just hope they all get neutered and spayed as soon as possible. We don't need any more Palin pregnancies.
OK, time for a new post. I mean, I'm at work, shouldn't the Wonkette staff be at work also?
Maybe they're at the liquor store stocking up on office supplies to blog the Wisconsin election results later tonight.
What is it with these white celebrities adopting foreign black babies?
I thought Amy Winehouse was dead. She is apparently in Hell.
"Doggy-Style"
Not for nothing, Editrix, but she's settled on three choices. Obviously, she was told about our snarking and wanted to head it off at the pass
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2012/06…
"Patheos"…heh heh
Honestly, that twatwaffle's blog is like an unflushable turd in the toilet bowl of life.
Sorta like the feather in "Forrest Gump" only floating away in the bowl after flush 17….
I love how she makes a point of saying, "No, we *aren't* living together", in the article; just as if she hadn't already had at least one and possibly two bastard babbys and her chastity were still an issue. Barn door, meet horse.
How about "Shameless"? Pretty much sums up the whole Palin clan.
"I was in the kitchen; Shameless (that's the dog) was outside…"
One of my favorite Pink Floyd songs EVAR!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DX7I92SJeM
PS. The actual dog in the actual song is named Seamus.
Widely regarded as the second worst Pink Floyd song ever, just after "Take Up Thy Stethascope and Walk."
Oh, and Seamus sang on the studio album, but not the live version. Probably Roger fired him.
Meh [shrug] I like old blues. "Seamus" sounds like an old blues song. Therefore, I like "Seamus".
"Seamus sang on the studio album, but not the live version. Probably Roger fired him."
And then claimed that *he* was a dog and the song was actually written about him.
Because she apparently has good taste in dogs (broken clocks being right twice a day and such) and I don't want to slight a poor creature who is already unfortunate enough to live with a Palin, I non-sarcastically recommend Nanuk or Aklark, Canadian Inuit for "polar bear" and "brown bear" respectively.
Here's to hoping the poor thing doesn't get shot.
Moose Chili.
The Decorator
Bristol needs a kitten: http://www.kittenkam.com
I think she'd have more fun with Orville the Catcopter
Bark Obama
WIN!!
…
Except that it reminds me of that awful "joke".
Preferably, a name Bristol can pronounce.
I suggest, "Moo".
Lewis & Clark had a Newfoundland ad I believe it's name applies well here: "Seaman"
Grifter?
I find "SHUT THE FUCK UP" is a pretty good name for most dogs.
How about Fuck Off? That's probably the only way the poor thing will ever be addressed anyway.
Just give him the family name.
Grifter.
She needs two puppies, one named Bartles and the other named James.
Do they still make Bartles and James or am I dating myself? How about Canai wine?
Is "poor dog you're fucked" an option?
Too bad the dog isn't a lab. Then the name would be obvious: Methlab.
I wanted a black lab, but I couldn't afford one. Then I wanted a yellow lab, but I couldn't afford one. So I got a meth lab. Now I can afford any dog I want. — old joke
Bristol and her live-in boyfriend have a nice place for a pair of uneducated high school grads starting out on their own. They are a couple of high achievers! Why can't all young people learn from their example?
Trogg. Trogg the dog.
Since he's black, she'll probably go with "Barack."
This vettening needs moar O'Queefing. James, swab your poopdeck, grab your roofies and dildos, and fire up your sex boat. Oh shit, nevermind, this isn't Ghost of Breitbart. Bristol, who cares that you're trying to look like K Kar, but actually on the fast track to Joan Riverstown. It doesn't matter! Good luck with your show, and your abstinence works speeches, and Gawdspeed.
"Big Black Newfoundland" was one of the CBC's less successful sitcom attempts, in spite of the "Little Mosque on the Prairie" lead-in.
You can name him "sit" so that when you say
Come here sit…sounds ridiculous :D
She should totally name it Chastity. You know, like, ironically.
Cher already tried that. It didn't go well.
Where's the marriage certificate?
Trigger?
(on so many levels)
This guy(?)'s name is Gino? Please tell me his surname is "Vanilla."
"he revolutionized the conservative voice as brave, combative and ready to discuss."
Pfft.
Please.
If those asstards can even *spell* the word "discuss", they probably think it's a frisbee.
Blahssie.
So, are we just sort of assuming that "Trailer Trash Hosebeast" is a little TOO on-the-nose?
cuntface
Five Finger Discount?
Grifter.
SCHTUPPY
rpg
Neglected or
Dead
in six moths
She's done so well parenting human kidlets, why shouldn't she try another species? Where are you, ASPCA?
BIG RED…..Heh, heh……think about it.
"Lipstick"
Eggzacle!
Who's the dude?
Either the boyfriend or the beard.
cunt muscle.. hail Ari
"Tripp, Trygg, Tank" ?
How about Taint?
I think she should call him Kunta.
No wait! Toby!
Hockey mom?
Barf
My suggestion of "Five Finger Discount" has been "awaiting moderation" at Bristol's Blog for over 5 hours. I don't think she likes me.
Mom. Oh wait, it's male.
Aw, fuck it. Mom.
"Target" would be perfect on so many levels, but I think "Glock" would probably appeal to Bristle.
Downboy.
Name him "Baby Daddy"….
Apparently bristol is confused by three letter words…BIG means large or full grown, she has a puppy which is SMALL. Do be fair she did get DOG correct.
Thanks!
Define "paid" please.
If it makes you feel any better, her mom's political donors paid for it.
Too soon.
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