RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  10:31 am June 5, 2012

Good Morning, The Future Is Here!

by Sulagna Misra

Don't miss the exit!Welcome, Wonkette readers! Racism is in the past, the CDC is promising there are no zombies, and we’re building weapons to fight aliens! Aren’t you glad the past is over?
  • According to Pew, difference in political opinions is what most divides Americans, rather than race or class. At first, this sounds amazing, because hello? Hooray for being judged based on the content of our character rather than color of our skin (and make of our car)! But the numbers basically say, “We are not getting anything done any time soon.” [Washington Post]
  • The CDC promises there is no zombie attack in our immediate future. Which is great, because there’s just so much we at Wonkette have to do first. Like watch the new season of Royal Pains that’s coming out this week! [Time]
  • Here are five things to keep in mind concerning conservatives and climate change. The best part is the write-up on what Mitt Romney “used to say” about climate change. (Hint: he says a lot of different things now.) [Grist]
  • So the Pentagon is working to create weapons against aliens. Yes, because lasers are going to stop creatures that can build a spaceship that can travel millions of light years to visit us. What about some diplomacy? Surely they don’t have bananas on their planet? We can promise them bananas! [Foreign Policy]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 91 comments }

Barb June 5, 2012 at 10:32 am

The future…… one word "plastics."

James Michael Curley June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

I'm seeing the whole movie and the careers of several great actors, a director and a photographer going right down the tubes if he said "poly(1-phenylethene-1,2-diyl)"

johnnymeatworth June 5, 2012 at 10:35 am

So why don't we just point the space lasers at the zombie hordes? PROBLEM SOLVED, THANK YOU AMERCIA!

JustPixelz June 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

Damn! I missed it. Now it's past. What was it like? Did the Japanese finally perfect sex-bots?

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

Still no jetpacks or flying cars, though.

Lascauxcaveman June 5, 2012 at 11:52 am

A friend of mine just sent me a link on the jetpacks. It turns out they're kind of stupid, anyway. And come with an insufferable soundtrack, of course.

MosesInvests June 5, 2012 at 11:56 am

I'm still waiting for the Orgasmatron.

HistoriBarb June 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

You get porn delivered right to your home – why can't you be satisfied?

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I hate it when jayflyers cross the airstreet between intersections during rush hour.

fuflans June 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

this used to piss me off more than anything. now of course, there's the republican party.

still! want my goddamn jetpack.

CrunchyKnee June 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

Needz more tax cutz for rich zombies, or some shit. America has given me another sad.

James Michael Curley June 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

No Zombie attacks? Then who ate that hobo lying on my front lawn. I'm not going out until you answer!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Dick Cheney?

James Michael Curley June 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I am definitely not going out there if he is out there and ready to attack. On the other hand, if he is the one out there on my front lawn, where’s my fork?

Terry June 5, 2012 at 10:38 am

"Surely they don’t have bananas on their planet? We can promise them bananas!"

Kirk Cameron says that the shape of bananas proves the existence of God. Maybe we can discuss that with the aliens.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

Who just happen to worship a giant banana split, so we'll question their God and end up destroyed by their Holy Hot Fudge cannon, the Santorium

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am
actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

He does need more CCOKC in his life.

ThundercatHo June 5, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I wonder how many time Kirk has been treated for a *ahem*, "food obstruction"?

GhostBuggy June 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Oh god, nobody show them Kirk Cameron. They'll vaporize us.

Dildeaux June 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

Faces breathe collective sigh of relief.

Hera Sent Me June 5, 2012 at 10:40 am

The CDC is wrong. Tampa will be facing a huge zombie attack at the end of August.

It's also known as the Republican National Convention.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

SLUGGO!

Good morning, honey. How was your night?

Thank goodness the CDC has the zombie thing licked.

OK, poor choice of words…

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

I'm very disappointed to hear that there will be no zombie apocalypse. The possibility of becoming a zombie upon my death was all that was really giving me hope to go on living.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

See what you do, I did.

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 10:47 am

Well, there won't be any waves of unionized socialist zombies is what the CDC is saying. There's still plenty of opportunity in the good old US of A for individual zombie face-eaters with pluck and a can-do attitude.

George Skullfry June 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Plucky Zombie might make a decent band name.

Chill_Bill June 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

When I think about teh futurez, the first thing that comes to mind is Louisiana's Education System.

ManchuCandidate June 5, 2012 at 10:42 am

Aliens will probably just laugh (if they have what we call a sense of humor) at man's pop gun weaponry before turning most of us into Soylent Green and making some of our more attractive humans into sex slaves.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:44 am

Note to self: stock up on Chapstix and K-Y

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

Will the aliens have lots of tentacles?

Estproph June 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

I'll probably be some kind of scientist
Building inventions in my space lab in space
I'll end world hunger I'll make dolphins speak
Work through the daytime, spend my nights and weekends
Perfecting my warrior robot race
Building them one laser gun at a time
I will do my best to teach them
About life and what it's worth
I just hope that I can keep them from destroying the Earth

Cause it's gonna be the future soon
And I won't always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It's gonna be the future soon
I've never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it's already here

gurukalehuru June 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

nice

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

Yes, because lasers are going to stop creatures that can build a spaceship that can travel millions of light years to visit us. What about some diplomacy?

/snark

You really think those assholes– because lets face facts, you and I are stuck here, but they're coming voluntarily to this ass-end rectum of the galaxy– are going to fly trillions of miles to talk? What did Yurpeens do to the Aztecs, again? Panel discussions?

Hera Sent Me June 5, 2012 at 10:55 am

So you're an alien species. You go through all the trouble of evolving, developing a civilization, learning how to do science, learning to not use the science you learned to destroy yourselves, develop the ability to travel in deep space…

Are you really going to use it to come all the way out here to the galactic sticks so you can watch less-advanced beings do stupid things?

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

No, you're going to come and take the one thing we have in multitudes, that exists nowhere else in the galaxy.

The rarest of elements in nature: stupid.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

Oh, I thought you meant manure lagoons.

Lascauxcaveman June 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

They've been monitoring our TV signals since the 1960's and decided "Hey, let's go check this out" when they saw the young Mary Tyler Moore on the Dick Van Dyke Show.

They were only halfway here when the reality shows of the 90s hit the airwaves; then they turned around and headed back home.

extreme_left June 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I guess there is evidence of presence already with the conversion of some states into 'stupid factories' distilling highest quality stupid.

Goonemeritus June 5, 2012 at 10:45 am

I don’t think bananas are an adequate commodity to base the earth’s defenses on. How well did bananas work for Latin America in keeping the United Sates from meddling in their affairs? The only method of defense against a vastly technologically superior invader is to make your lands not worth invading. By turning your home land into a irredeemable shithole most invaders drive right by. To me this is the best and only reason to vote Republican.

sewollef June 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Done that. Well, Texas has.

noodlesalad June 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

Do Teatards count as zombies?

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:47 am

Only to ten, if they still have all their fingers.

Vecchiojohn June 5, 2012 at 10:52 am

The males can count to 21 if they take their shoes and pants off.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:54 am

20 1/2, I'll grant that.

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:55 am

"count to 21 if they take their shoes and pants off."

Well, only if they stand in front of a mirror.

noodlesalad June 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

The dead have risen! Fortunately, they don't remember how to operate their hoverarounds, so we can just walk away from them slowly.

noodlesalad June 5, 2012 at 10:56 am

Something tells me the Teatard zombies aren't interested in brains so much.

Sassomatic June 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

Also, scientists estimate that the hot air released during the Republican primary has already accelerated climate change so much that the Earth is scheduled to explode this August.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

Finally.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

I knew the zombies were coming! I KNEW IT! Excuse me while I go gather my arsenal and lock down the nearest Costco.

mrblifil June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

The future consists of remakes of every successful movie franchise ever made, in perpetuity. At some point there will be a remake of a remake that hasn't even been remade yet. The result will be the aesthetic equivalent to the meeting of matter and anti-matter.

SorosBot June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

The Pentagon should know that the way to beat the aliens is with a virus created on a Mac that will somehow be compatible with the aliens' computer systems.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

All civilizations develop HyperCard.

sewollef June 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

The odds are Stacked up against us though.

Estproph June 5, 2012 at 10:49 am

"According to Pew, difference in political opinions is what most divides Americans, rather than race or class."

However, those political opinions happen to be about race and class, so…

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 5, 2012 at 10:49 am

Those aren't zombies. Those are just products of the Louisiana educational system.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

At least they won't be interested in brains.

FakaktaSouth June 5, 2012 at 10:50 am

The best part is the write-up on what Mitt Romney “used to say” about climate change. (Hint: he says a lot of different things now.)

Man, I wish I had the kind of money or balls or whatever it takes to make every day a new day. Kids? Who the fuck had kids? Not me! What's all this about mortgages and marriages and I don't care if you SEE IT right in front of you, I am TELLING YOU what reality is and this stuff does not exist. Now, vote for me to do important stuff.
Nice.

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 10:56 am

You just can't afford a special, deluxe Etch-a-Sketch™ like Romney had custom-made.

FakaktaSouth June 5, 2012 at 10:59 am

I bet if I didn't have all these kids running around I could totally afford one. I'm gonna figure this out some how, I am sure of it, just give me a sec. (yes, it is summer, for another 10.5 weeks…I'm just kidding, that's why god made camp)

MosesInvests June 5, 2012 at 11:59 am

Hey, FS, how long are you going to be in Austin? Maybe you and I and Chascates and Fartknocker and whoever else is around could raise a glass of good Central Texas microbrew together.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 5, 2012 at 10:50 am

The aliens are all just gonna die of the clap or something. Big whoop.

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 10:51 am

I'm not worried about the aliens, since some computer programmer will just plug his laptop into a port in their master computer and transfer a virus. They will be helpless against the power of earth nerds.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:55 am

But wait! What if the aliens anticipate this and send their secret weapon, Ogre, of the Alpha Beta fraternity?

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

Then we'll beat them in the music competition. And the big guys from the main fraternity will have our backs.

MissTaken June 5, 2012 at 10:55 am

Well, maybe no zombies but
There's a little black spot on the Sun today

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:56 am

Meh. Same old thing as yesterday.

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 10:59 am

I knew there was something different this morning when I looked at the sun. It didn't hurt quite as much as usual.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:09 am

That would be the blindness protecting you.

George Skullfry June 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Thank you, MissDeMilo.

el_donaldo June 5, 2012 at 10:59 am

They're going to be really sorry when those zombies get their hands on those sweet space lasers.

johnnyzhivago June 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

It's settled – we need to develop a Zombie that only attacks Republicans.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:16 am

That will backfire when Fox News interns "accidentally" flip the D's and R's on everyone's caption. You know damned well the zombies will be watching Fox.

UnholyMoses June 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

The flaw, of course, is that zombies need brains.

So, no can do.

dijetlo June 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

That's exactly what the CDC would say if zombies were attacking.
As far as Aliens go, I think our secret plan is to get them all to apply for credit cards and student loans and then impound all their shit and put them to work picking lettuce 'cause the Messicans are about sick of our shit.

valthemus June 5, 2012 at 11:04 am

David Roberts quoting Grover Norquist from his speech at CPAC: "All we have to do is replace Obama. … We are not auditioning for fearless leader. We don’t need a president to tell us in what direction to go. We know what direction to go. … We just need a president to sign this stuff. We don’t need someone to think it up or design it. The leadership now for the modern conservative movement for the next 20 years will be coming out of the House and the Senate… Pick a Republican with enough working digits to handle a pen to become president of the United States."

I needed to see this while I gird my loins for scary news out of Wisconsin?

Terry June 5, 2012 at 11:11 am

If you transplanted old Grover's speech to a third world country, that could be a puppet leader fronting for an oligarchy. But seeing as this is the US, old Grover's describing "freedom".

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 11:06 am

Is this future bright? Do I need to wear shades?

George Skullfry June 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Shade 14, if you're gonna look at Venus.

owhatever June 5, 2012 at 11:06 am

The first alien, a slimy creature with no head and five arms, was spotted at a McDonald's drive-thru window, picking up an order of 75 chicken mcnuggets and a Big Mac. Since this was in Louisiana, the server did not report it right away, because it looked a lot like her uncle-brother-second husband Frank, who teaches at the Everlasting Damnation and Hellfire Academy for Gifted Children in New Iberia.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

Surely they don’t have bananas on their planet?

Give the aliens chocolate, and hope they aren't cats.

Millennial Malaise June 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

Either the Pew Study, or the Washington Post are being idiotic here (I'm going with WaPo because that's the safe bet).

Saying the US public is more divided over "politics" and not class and race is like saying the Civil War was about States' Rights and not the maintenance of a forced labor CLASS created based entirely on RACE.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

Ten thumbs up.

Slim_Pickins June 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

Does the Pentagon want to develop laser weapons or is the GOP insisting that they develop them?

MosesInvests June 5, 2012 at 12:01 pm

No one would have believed, in the (first) years of the (21st) century, that Earthly affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space….

Chow Yun Flat June 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Surely they don’t have bananas on their planet

Earth exceptionalism

chascates June 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

The GOP will say we don't need to worry about alien invasions because JESUS!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

If there are no zombies, how do you explain all those deathly pale fat people in tricorn hats at 'bagger rallys?

Smitros June 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I believe Leonard Cohen has this covered.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D97OxHZzBeQ

ttommyunger June 5, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I personally welcome our benevolent alien overlords. I mean, could it be any worse?

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