EDUCATION IS THE DEBBIL  9:41 am June 5, 2012

Louisiana GOP Does Not Believe The Children Are Our Future

by Kris E. Benson

"What do you have fourth period?" "Exorcism."Is Louisiana not part of the U.S. anymore, or something? Did some important event transpire wherein the other 49 states and the federal government all got together and decided to let Louisiana fend for itself? Because here are some Fun Facts about Louisiana: it is home to the highest infant mortality rate, the fifth-highest maternal mortality rate, the fourth-worst life expectancy rate, the fifth-highest violent crime rate, the second-highest poverty rate, and the fifth-highest obesity rate in the country. Now, on top of all of this, it may soon be home to the first highest rate of unedumacatedness because the legislature is dismantling public education in Louisiana.

Via Reuters:

Louisiana is embarking on the nation’s boldest experiment in privatizing public education, with the state preparing to shift tens of millions in tax dollars out of the public schools to pay private industry, businesses owners and church pastors to educate children….”We are changing the way we deliver education,” said Governor Bobby Jindal, a Republican who muscled the plan through the legislature this spring over fierce objections from Democrats and teachers unions.

Ah yes. Teachers unions. What could they possibly know about educating children, given that teachers unions are filled with women. Surely “private industry” (whatever that is), business owners, and church pastors know more than a bunch of WOMEN who work for the GOBMINT and are SOCIALISTS in a UNION. Otherwise they would already know that private [fill in the blank] is always better than public [fill in the blank] DUH.

Top schools…have just a handful of slots open [to students with vouchers]. The Dunham School in Baton Rouge, for instance, has said it will accept just four voucher students, all kindergartners. The school willing to accept the most voucher students — 314 — is New Living Word in Ruston, which has…no library. Students spend most of the day watching TVs in bare-bones classrooms. Each lesson consists of an instructional DVD that intersperses Biblical verses with subjects such chemistry or composition. [...]

At Eternity Christian Academy in Westlake,  first- through eighth-grade students sit in cubicles for much of the day and move at their own pace through Christian workbooks, such as a beginning science text that explains “what God made” on each of the six days of creation. They are not exposed to the theory of evolution. ”We try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children,” [pastor-turned-principal Marie] Carrier  said.

What else might confuse the children? Math. Math is hard. It’s hard for children, and apparently it’s hard for Louisiana’s state legislators, who have not bothered to conduct any sort of fiscal analysis to determine whether or not the state will save money. Children: they are our future, in case we can save a couple thousand dollars, in which case, eh.

[Reuters]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 190 comments }

tihond June 5, 2012 at 9:46 am

LA went on to deny that they have beauty possessed inside, they won't treat them well, or let them lead the way.

Serolf_Divad June 5, 2012 at 9:46 am

Jesus, fuck, why not just drop the pretense and cut Jimmy Swaggart a check directly.

mrpuma2u June 5, 2012 at 10:11 am

Q. How many kids do we want to thump in the head with the bible daily, under a pretense of education?
A. All of 'em, Katie!

prommie June 5, 2012 at 10:33 am

Oh now, Buster Soaries pioneered collecting big government checks from GOP governors. Unholy alliances forged with cash.

prommie June 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

When you think about it, Christie Whitman was kinda a technocrat, a leading pioneer in GOP privatization-as-patronage governance. She was close close close with the GHWB family group of government leaches on all this.

ManchuCandidate June 5, 2012 at 9:48 am

Welcome to the state of Louisiana… new state motto: "Where the survivors will envy the dead"

FlownOver June 5, 2012 at 9:58 am

or "Louisiana – Top Banana in the Banana Republic."

Estproph June 5, 2012 at 10:14 am

Or "Louisiana – Come Fuck Your Sister!"

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 9:48 am

They really don't care, as long as the LSU Tigers contend for the BCS National Championship every year.

ManchuCandidate June 5, 2012 at 9:50 am

How many of these kids will be able to spell LSU?

They'll give that kid a Rhodes Scholarship for sure.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 9:52 am

"I cain't accept that! Mah sissah is the one working on her Roads scholarship at th' truck stop on I-10!"

prommie June 5, 2012 at 10:34 am

And there is a problem with these priorities? And fuck the BCS, too, winning the SEC is the national championship.

SoBeach June 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

Damn right.

justkillmenow June 5, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The Big Ten says STFU as it cries quietly in the corner.

randcoolcatdaddy June 5, 2012 at 9:49 am

Citizens of Louisiana that want to leave but can't afford to should be given refugee status by the United Nations.

Beetagger June 5, 2012 at 9:49 am

This will end well.

Serolf_Divad June 5, 2012 at 10:17 am

Yes it will… when Jesus returns from Heaven atop a white horse, with a flaming sword extending from his mouth to sever the heads of everyone who wasn't educated in some backwater, Baptist Bible college.

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

The Louisiana militia will do that with machine guns, and then say it was Jesus.

Wonkette, Refudiated June 5, 2012 at 9:49 am

Piyush Jindal is by far the worst governor Louisiana has ever had. Every day is some new crime against intelligence, humanity or similar. Sorry, I can't come up with any jokes at the moment. God I hate this guy so much.

1stNewtontheMoon June 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

but he's so much like kenneth the page that you can't help but believe he's equally harmless and cute.

p.s. it's true that his folks (or he) chose "bobby" from watching the brady bunch, right?

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 10:40 am

I will forever picture Kenneth the Page laughing, "Volcano monitoring? Miss Lemon, you come up with the funniest stories."

Chichikovovich June 5, 2012 at 11:06 am

No, I think it was because his personal sense of government ethics was inspired by Bobby Baker.

Infrogmation June 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

No, Baker & Co were gangsters who believed in throwing a few bones to progressive causes while they were swindling and looting.

Infrogmation June 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Agree. And I shudder that this creationist who thinks Louisiana's problem is too much edjamakation is considered one of the "smart" ones of Louisiana Republicans.

Come back, Buddy Roemer, we are so, SO sorry! Pretty please?

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 9:49 am

JOHNNY! PUT DOWN THAT LIBRARY BOOK AND OPEN YOUR COMPANY HYMNAL, DAMMIT!

sewollef June 5, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Schools without libraries… like cars without steering wheels.

You would not trust your life (or the life of your kids) inside one.

Steverino247 June 5, 2012 at 9:50 am

We'll give the children to church pastors to educate. What could possibly go wrong?

Important safety tip to LA: If you give kids to pedophiles, you're liable for the damages. So, if you think you're saving money, think again.

noodlesalad June 5, 2012 at 9:53 am

/snark

This, motherfuckers, THIS IS WHAT CLASS WARFARE LOOKS LIKE, AND EVERYONE WHO AIN'T RICH IS LOSING.

The Holy Bible – providing cover for the rich and powerful since 313 AD.

Beowoof June 5, 2012 at 9:53 am

They really are on track to fuck up a state as much as Mississippi. I was in New Orleans about a year ago and the tour guide told us after Katrina, they had laid off all the teachers and closed all the public schools in New Orleans and replaced them with the republican wet dream of Charter Schools. Doesn't seem as if that is working out to well in educating the kids. And the teachers with any ability split for some place where they can at least make a living above the poverty level. Go Paiush, you are doing a great job. You gotta love the opportunism of republicans turning a natural and man made disaster such as Katrina to their purposes of hosing the public.

1stNewtontheMoon June 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

they practiced that model in iraq. capping tax rates in the iraqi constitution, installing a bunch of halliburton cronies to oversee the whole thing. your tax dollars* at work!

*not at the time though. enron book-keeping principles from 2001-2008.

BerkeleyBear June 5, 2012 at 11:00 am

New Orleans and its environs were already on the cusp of complete shithole weirdness with its schools. Private schools were the norm for just about everyone but the absolute poorest inner city kids, even a fair amount of those were parish school scholarship students, with lingering de facto segregation in both public and private settings. But yeah, Katrina pushed big chunks of the city over the edge, and now they want to take it state wide.

I swear, Louisiana's education system is a case study in fucked up, and has been since General Sherman was in charge of what became LSU.

Beowoof June 5, 2012 at 9:53 am

Will no one have the training now to change David Vitter's diapers?

chascates June 5, 2012 at 9:54 am

The church schools are mainly for the white children. The blacks are just in holding schools until they're old enough to be sent to Angola.

BerkeleyBear June 5, 2012 at 11:01 am

Or the various DI football and basketball institutions of the SEC, ACC and Big East.

elburritodeluxe June 5, 2012 at 9:54 am

On the bright side parents are going to save a shitload of money by not having to send their kids to college.

BerkeleyBear June 5, 2012 at 11:01 am

Liberty University is going to give them all a free ride?

scvirginia June 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Ain't y'all never hearda diploma mills?

Goonemeritus June 5, 2012 at 9:54 am

Finally Christens can now have their own Madrasa’s

scvirginia June 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I don't think the madrassas are new- just the taxpayer subsidies?

Infrogmation June 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Jiii-Haaawd!

CthuNHu June 5, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Ooooh — I know how to kill this program.

Slip a real madrasa into it: taxpayer-funded sharia muslimism!

Just call it The Academy of God Almighty. That oughta get you in no questions asked.

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 9:55 am

"Each lesson consists of an instructional DVD that intersperses Biblical verses with subjects such chemistry or composition."

"And when we shine the ultraviolet waves upon the atoms of the rocks, Jesus (PBUH) flicks the electron of the atom out to the next electron shell, and the result we see is called fluorescence, and the rock glows!! Praise God!!"

Serolf_Divad June 5, 2012 at 10:22 am

More like: "and when we flip on the blacklight we bought at Spencers, baby Jesus makes Hank Williams Jr.'s eyes and teeth light up like they're glowing! And that's all the 'science' you kids need to know."

FlownOver June 5, 2012 at 9:55 am

Plan B is to hurl acid at the children until they learn what they should, i.e., Xtian capitalism.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 9:56 am

At Eternity Christian Academy in Westlake, first- through eighth-grade students sit in cubicles for much of the day and move at their own pace through Christian workbooks, such as a beginning science text that explains “what God made” on each of the six days of creation. They are not exposed to the theory of evolution. ”We try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children,” [pastor-turned-principal Marie] Carrier said.

Nothing more need be said, except what happens when they get to algebra? What's the bottom line for "confusion"?

And whatever happened to questioning things?

mavenmaven June 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

Algebra? That's an islamic sharia invention, it might confuse our youngins.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

See, that's what I figure would be the case, but then how in the hell will these kids make it to LSU or Tulane or whatever passes for higher education in Louisiana?

I mean, apart from monster truck rallies and fishing shows.

Serolf_Divad June 5, 2012 at 10:27 am

There ain't nothing in Lousiana apart from monster truck rallies and fishing shows (and goin' ta church on sundees).

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

BEIGNET LIBEL!

doloras June 5, 2012 at 5:13 pm

You must understand how this works. The capitalist class don't want to pay to educate American kids because they can just import child geniuses from wealthy families in India or Malaysia who'll pay up front for their college tuition then work for pennies on the dollar. The local kids can work as maids and janitors.

Dashboard_Jesus June 19, 2012 at 12:34 am

I've seen that plan in action here for years, busloads of Indians and Chinese (tuition paid by COMMUNISTS!) They all work for the local Big Pharma corp and biotech companies, live in the nicest suburbs and drive fancy luxury German cars while the poors in our fair city are STILL poor, and have the worst schools (cuz the COMMUNIST CHINESE don't send their best and brightest to the inner city skoolz)

1stNewtontheMoon June 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

our numerals have long had ties to arabs.

fartknocker June 5, 2012 at 10:24 am

I suspect Pastor-Turned-Principal Marie believes an engineer operates a train. This is so stupid and bad but it is Louisiana.

I hope Scott Walker is recalled today.

prommie June 5, 2012 at 10:45 am

I would venture to guess this feeling we are having, this would be what maybe some of the Romans were feeling around 500 AD and they felt the dark ages moving in.

BerkeleyBear June 5, 2012 at 11:04 am

Nah – all the smart, educated Romans who could read the graffiti on the walls had moved to Constantinople a couple hundred years earlier.

KotBR June 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

If you start questioning 'things' like science, where does it stop? Questioning if GMO's are good for you? Questioning if tax cuts really are good for the economy? No, sir, we can't have that.

PubOption June 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

The school is called Eternity, because that is how long the kids will take to graduate.

PuckStopsHere June 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

In LA "critical thinking" means you are being critical of God.

EatsBabyDingos June 5, 2012 at 9:57 am

Put Teacher Barbie in every classroom. She'll say "Math is hard!" and sit there not drawing a paycheck while the little girls learn to make subservient cookies. And rent the broom to the little future janitors, charge 20% interest, and lower the age that you can be sued to 5.

1stNewtontheMoon June 5, 2012 at 10:16 am

mmmmmmmm. subservient cookies! my favorite kind.

An_Outhouse June 5, 2012 at 12:06 pm

The best part is you can buy pre-made dough at the grocery store so you don't have to try to decipher those dang recipe things.

Eve8Apples June 5, 2012 at 9:57 am

You can't fix stupid so why bother trying.

Beowoof June 5, 2012 at 9:57 am

Ah fuck em they're not my kids. Republican motto of my retired neighbors. To which I used to reply , suppose you are out mowing your lawn and have heart attack, and across the street are three young high school students. Since you didn't want to pay any money for them to learning anything, instead of rushing to save you with CPR, they take your wallet and your lawn mower and leave you there on your half mowed lawn, which would look terrible. He stopped talking to me for awhile and I thought that was a good thing.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:11 am

You forgot that they're educated by religious folk, so they'd perform the last rites so his soul would at least be saved. Of course, the TV and computer would be stolen, but what the hey!

Chet Kincaid June 5, 2012 at 11:50 am

"You forgot that they're educated by religious folk, so they'd perform the last rites so his soul would at least be saved."

Get the hell away from decent Southern Baptists with that Papacy!!

zax11029 July 25, 2012 at 9:46 am

Okay, make fun of the uber-religious schools who put religion above an iota of science. However counter-intuitively it is AWESOME that schools like that have 300+ openings. It basically means no one wants to go there. If this trend continues those schools will have to be shut down and new, legitimate schools will rise from the ashes.

BerkeleyBear June 5, 2012 at 11:05 am

Or they start praying over you because faith heals, and all.

johnnyzhivago June 5, 2012 at 9:59 am

Honestly, keeping kids uneducated allows the rest of us to keep our jobs forever.

Maman June 5, 2012 at 9:59 am

Chemistry is going to be a bitch too, if you think that Jesus turned water into wine with the touch of a hand.

WeHaveIssues June 5, 2012 at 10:00 am

The Civil War in reverse, this time it will be the Northern states that leave the union. Let the South sink in a swampland of biblical proportions. If they can pray their way out of it, all the power to them. Their sorry, backwards asses are nothing but dead weight.

bringmeanaxe June 5, 2012 at 10:23 am

A friend of mine once said 'To hell with secession, let's throw 'em out'.

Designer_Radio June 5, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Yeah, but even northern states are passing these "Model Legislation" laws from ALEC. "Pro-Business" they say. Maybe for a generation. Then we move to a Jeebus- and war-based economy, since the kids are too dumb with the math and the science to design the next generation's economy. Oh wait, too late.

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:00 am

Well, if you can't compete for the top spot amongst the states, you can always compete for last place.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:02 am

Nothing is more comforting than the soft bigotry of low expectations.

johnnyzhivago June 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

I learned most of what I know outside the classroom, so why even bother sending them to schools at all.

chicken_thief June 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

Besides, if the rest of the stats are accurate, they're just going to die young anyway.

mavenmaven June 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

To really save money, outsource both education and the prison system to the same corporation, since most of those who go through this system will pass directly from one into the other.

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

Ain't it funny how the factory doors close
Round the time that the school doors close
Round the time that the doors of the jail cells
Open up to greet you like the reaper

Yes, this story does make me feel ragey.

Chill_Bill June 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

It's almost like Louisiana is trying to make sure that the GOP stays in power forever.

freakishlywrong June 5, 2012 at 10:02 am

Our children isn't learning unless some asshole is turning a profit.

SorosBot June 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

Well of course they want the next generation to grow up as uneducated brainwashed idiots; that way they might actually vote GOP.

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

”We are changing the way we deliver education,” said Governor Bobby Jindal. "We call it 'uneducation,' kinda like 7-Up and that 'Uncola' thing."

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:04 am

"Yes, we call it the 7-Up Yours model of education"

CleverSobriquet June 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

This just serves as the feeder path to the privately owned incarceration industry. True cradle to grave care for the good citizens of Louisiana.

niblick77 June 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

”We try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children,” [pastor-turned-principal Marie] Carrier said.

Yeah, things like MATH!

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

Or, worse yet, the truth.

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

SorosBot June 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

"pay private industry, businesses owners and church pastors to educate children"

But don't listen to those teachers, who actually know how to educate children; no, go to the business owners and fucking pastors who have absolutely no qualifications to teach, and who in the latter case should never be allowed around children.

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 10:42 am

And in the former case have absolutely no motive to put the kids' interests first.

Crank_Tango June 5, 2012 at 11:59 am

uh, invisible hand something something, profit?

sewollef June 5, 2012 at 1:10 pm

That wouldn't be looking good on the corporate P/E ratio, putting kids first? HA! The shareholders would riot.

Same as health care — gawd only knows what that's like in La.

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Please gawd please gawd please gawd may I never get to find out first-hand what health-care is like in LA.Oh also too, of course, putting kids before shareholders = legally forbidden.

BerkeleyBear June 5, 2012 at 11:09 am

I know Dickens was just a monarchy loving, upper crust sucking up to loser, but Louisiana is trying to make him sound like a socialist prophet (Hard Times and the depiction of a "business oriented" education appears to be the template for these idiots).

metamarcisf June 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

Taking a cue from the Super Bowl champs, the Saints, lawmakers have instituted a bounty program for schools whereby students are paid up to $10,000 for strategic debilitating "hits" on opposing teachers.

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 10:42 am

If the kids are smart, they'll take out the state legislators who voted for this clusterfuck.

Oh wait, the whole point is to make sure the kids aren't smart, isn't it?

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

Well, they'll certainly be ahead of the curve when Margaret Atwood's Republic of Gilead gets here, so they have that to look forward to.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:22 am

"Class, I'd like to introduce your new principal, Jonathan Vilma"

Baconzgood June 5, 2012 at 10:07 am

Hooooooooray the death of education.

Mumbletypeg June 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

Those Louisiana fundie's are doing about as good a job arguing to themselves their governor is not a blah as they are convincing themselves their Jesus was white.

Mittens Howell, III June 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

Edumacation is for dumz.

Mittens Howell, III June 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

Would you like some eyeless shrimp with that edumacation?

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

Those schools will all serve Brawndo to the thirsty kids, too.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

It's got electrolytes!

Estproph June 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

The idea that privatization makes things cheaper is so ridiculous that it is hard for me not to burst out laughing. So a public school, where expenses are paid, is supposed to be more expensive than a for-profit school which has the same expenses and needs to generate a profit on top of that? Yeah, math is hard alright. People who think this must have been "educated" at for-profit schools.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:33 am

It's so quaint that you assume they'll have costs

I happen to have a copy of the RFP for the Gretna School District. It says "All students shall be required to provide their own chairs, desks, books, pens, pencils, teachers, liberries (sic) and Big Ass Fries"

Sparky McGruff June 6, 2012 at 9:07 pm

You can get spectacular teachers when you pay them less than the Burger King pays for night-shift drive-through guy.

subsum June 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

Well, I think now I can say it with full confidence: Louisiana, you deserve yourself. Fuck you.

chicken_thief June 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

Your move, TX.

BaldarTFlagass June 5, 2012 at 10:16 am

They'll be able to teach the Book of Exodus with good examples, too: "Remember, children, when all of your neighbors, well at least the ones that walked upright and had opposable thumbs, got in their cars and moved to another state?"

JustPixelz June 5, 2012 at 10:17 am

You don't see China or Germany or India fucking around with Bible-based math and science. Someday they'll realize how wrong they were. Of course, I'll be dead — killed, no doubt, by a graduate of some Louisiana medical school: motto: "Faith cures".

DalePues June 5, 2012 at 10:18 am

I don't believe this. You're making this shit up. This is a comedy/political blog, right, so you can make shit up that makes people laugh, right?

This, for example: "Students spend most of the day watching TVs in bare-bones classrooms.", sounds like prison, not school. That just can't be. Can it?

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 10:55 am

I never realized when I was a little kid that watching Davey and Goliath on TV Sunday mornings constituted a school curriculum.

hippie13 June 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

You get the letters D.U.M. after your name…if you manage to spell it correctly.

hippie13 June 6, 2012 at 9:24 am

No, silly, this is La. where prisoners are used as slaves for corporate interests and actually owned by local sheriffs…its all very 1700sey.

iburl June 5, 2012 at 10:19 am

This is a brilliant plan to prevent "Vulcanologists". I mean, studying volcanos? What a joke! The only scientists to come out of Louisiana now will be "Jesologists".

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 5, 2012 at 10:34 am

Jesusologists?

SorosBot June 5, 2012 at 10:35 am

I thought Vulcanologists were scientists who studied Vulcans, the most peaceful and logical of races.

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

They'll maintain the levees with the power of faith.

bringmeanaxe June 5, 2012 at 10:19 am

When I was working in Louisiana several years ago, people would proudly say 'Thank God for Mississippi, or we'd be number 50!'.

Sassomatic June 5, 2012 at 10:20 am

I haz no snark. Too sad. Plus I'm working at a public university right now and Bobby Jindal is here to personally dismantle my chair.

Mittens Howell, III June 5, 2012 at 10:20 am

Louisiana Education Policy: Get BP workers to spray the childrens with crude-oil goo while pastors beat them with 'learning sticks'.

Chow Yun Flat June 5, 2012 at 10:21 am

Louisiana: it is home to the highest infant mortality rate, the fifth-highest maternal mortality rate, the fourth-worst life expectancy rate, the fifth-highest violent crime rate, the second-highest poverty rate, and the fifth-highest obesity rate in the country.

Not quite there yet but striving to be number one across the board.

Estproph June 5, 2012 at 10:21 am

The south has a contingent which keeps threatening to secede again. WTF are they waiting for? Can't we force them to leave?

boobookitteh June 5, 2012 at 10:23 am

May we start the Revolution now, please?

Please?

weejee June 5, 2012 at 10:24 am

With the Bible-based maths will the kids every get past counting critters by twos? Oh, Noah, say it ain't so.

George Skullfry June 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Up to seven, but only the clean ones.

Mumbletypeg June 5, 2012 at 10:26 am

*sigh* — I had the clarion experience of attending 1/2 semester at a start-up Protestant-Calvinist private school on a streak of evangelistic purity. There was no science that I can recall. Math was taught in some attic on the top floor of the church hosting the school til they got their own building. History was so boring I just made tally marks counting the times the teacher smacked his lips between statements. Language Arts was the only saving grace — our teacher took it upon herself to seat us 7th graders on the floor and read to us like we were still in kindergarten. I heard "To Kill A Mockingbird" this way, as well as Jack London's "The Lottery" and "To Build A Fire" — without knowing it, this teach' was redeeming me. Lest you think she was some kind of iconoclast, she also kept the faculty Paddle, oar-shaped, for spanking the troublemakers in front of the class. Rockin' good times with the Christian misfits– it broadened my horizons all right!

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 10:46 am

Not to quibble with the fine education you got, but didn't Shirley Jackson write The Lottery?

Mumbletypeg June 5, 2012 at 11:05 am

You are so right. The subversive qualities of each short story conflated in me' brain.

qwerty42 June 5, 2012 at 10:27 am

but … but … but … FREE MARKET!!!! Doesn't that solve everything? Oh yes, Jeebus too. LA is a poor state that has a long tradition of blatant corruption. Usually, the "throw the rascals out" ends up with a new band of corrupt legislators and gov't officials. It does not end.
OTOH, Sen. Allen Ellender did use his recipes in his filibusters

prommie June 5, 2012 at 10:28 am

And with the patronage you get to buy the Cafolics, who are rampant in Louisiana, and you can even buy the black preachers, who love them some sweet church-school money as much as anyone, so its a win-win!

Joey_Blau June 5, 2012 at 10:29 am

weeelllll clearly we can save money by not spending it! and when I say not spending it I mean not spending it on teachers and schools! so there…we know what we are about!

neiltheblaze June 5, 2012 at 10:30 am

Children are a huge budget item that needs to be slashed, I guess.

Terry June 5, 2012 at 10:30 am

No snark.

I lived in south Louisiana for years. It's a place with no middle ground. If something is good there, it's amazing. If something is bad there, it's the worst you've ever seen. The land and water are beautiful, almost primordial, but the land is washing away right before your eyes. The people are the most kind, friendly, and generous I've ever met….bar none…but there is a rigid social structure there that's racist and classist and ugly as original sin. People will give you the shirt off their back one on one, but they won't contribute to a program that helps with education or works to eradicate hunger. There are beautiful homes and towns, then there is poverty that you could not imagine exists in the US. People living in what could be sets for ramshackle sharecropper cabins from the last century. People with means put their kids into expensive private schools, bragging about the elite nature of the schools or that a religious school brings their kids closer to God, while the poor kids (white, black, and Native) go to schools that range from passable to near Dickensian horrors. People there love the outdoors, they eat what they've hunted and fished for, and yet they'll sell away environmental quality for a quick buck or the outside chance of a few temporary rough neck jobs.

I do love the place, but look at Louisiana like a relative whom I adore in many ways but am appalled by in a many other ways.

Sassomatic June 5, 2012 at 10:39 am

It's a third world country. Did you know that we are the happiest state? And also the laziest? And also the happiest? So we win?

Terry June 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

Yep, and the occurrences of cholera and denge prove it. I used to have a bumper sticker that said "Louisiana: Third World and Proud"

Sassomatic June 5, 2012 at 10:34 am

Where is zombie Huey P Long when we need him? : (

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 10:34 am

This First Amendment you keep talking about. What is it?

Dover seems so puny in comparison.

Rotundo_ June 5, 2012 at 10:36 am

Welcome to the bright and shiny future of education in the USofA folks! The ignorant being taught by the ignorant-er, and lining the pockets of either snake oil salesmen or preachers or both. The United States may be able to claim illiteracy rates higher than the developing world under these masterstrokes in work to the common good. So much for leading the world in anything except infant mortality and obesity statistics…

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

Wow. At this rate I'm suprised that kids in Louisiana know how to use the toilet. Wouldn't want to confuse them.

Guppy June 5, 2012 at 10:47 am

That would require indoor plumbing.

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 4:04 pm

(looks around the French Quarter) They know how to use a toilet?

spinozasgod June 5, 2012 at 9:00 pm

vitter never did learn….

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 10:43 am

Oh please. Like any of these kids will be able to afford college anyway.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 5, 2012 at 10:44 am

At what point do we just let Louisiana wash away into the gulf?

Naked_Bunny June 5, 2012 at 10:53 am

Louisiana will certainly become an interesting research project as it slips back into the stone age.

James Michael Curley June 5, 2012 at 10:54 am

Every freakin state with a Republican Governor is in the process of doing this right now. In NJ Chris Crisco pealed off millions from local school districts (5.7 million from my school district overt the last two budget years) and sent it to a few choice 'acadamies'. Then their performance under the criteria of the NJ Department of Education was so bad they were omitted from this year's "Report Card". They still paid teachers less than most public schools and did not qualify for federal lunch and nutritional support and do not provide sports or music programs.

HeadsIWin June 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

When I was a kid I wanted to grew up and tear all the schools down too, Bobby.

owhatever June 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

They saw how the God whupped up on the sinners of New Orleans with the big hurmancain and decided no more of that shit, we gonna go all the God, all the time. Sadz.

Pseudonymously_Joe June 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

Math is hard. And probably too controversial a topic for schools, also too.

Millennial Malaise June 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

I wouldn't be surprised if corporeal punishment was allowed at this "schools" either. A school without a library? The fuck? Could principals claim "religious rights" when a non-idiot parent wonders what the hell is going on.

This is REAL government funded religious brainwashing and it fucking tickles me that teatards warn against FEMA SOSHULIST reeducation camps when they're setting up their corporatist Keep 'Em Stupid K-12 (TM). God forbid some poor people get smart enough to edge their mediocre children out of schools worth getting into debt for. Can't have that!

DocChaos June 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

The real savings kick in when Louisiana's abundant prison population is farmed out as teachers, the only textbook is the bible, and chopping cane is a required phys. ed. course.

valthemus June 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

"…students sit in cubicles for much of the day and move at their own pace through Christian workbooks, such as a beginning science text that explains 'what God made' on each of the six days of creation. They are not exposed to the theory of evolution. 'We try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children…'"

This has to be the most terrifying thing I've read in ages… and that includes Rick Santorum's campaign web site.

bagofmice June 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

I grew up in a christian cult. Went to a private school that wouldn't be corrupted by "secular knowledge". They practiced the James Dobson school anti-gay methodology, which is literally dick waving.

Ruhe June 5, 2012 at 11:27 am

I always wondered why JFK never personally confronted George Wallace during the whole civil rights and education tussle. I'm glad he sent in the National Guard buy why didn't he ever pick up the phone and say "hey, George, this is the President. What the fuck are you doing man. I'm going to come down there and take the keys away if you don't get your shit together." Something like that. Well isn't this a great opportunity for Obama to show that sort of intervention-leadership. And don't call. Just get on Air Force One and get down there and treat this like the disaster that it is. Make a national issue of it and call bullshit on the whole Republican "let's go back to the middle-ages" project.

SheriffJoeBiden June 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

b-b-b-but it's private education. Private is better than public. The government can't do anything right.

(Mainstreaming this line of thinking was Reagan's greatest [achievement/betrayal] and like all bad ideas that catch on you're not going to beat it with good arguments. Like the flu, it has to run its course. But like the flu, it can be deadly.

Sassomatic June 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

I recently tried to help a kid who had been sent to all Christian schools with a history paper he was writing. He seemed like a pretty smart kid, but he did not understand using evidence to support claims, and when I suggested he look for other sources for his paper besides the Bible, he seemed a bit nonplussed. It wasn't his fault–he'd just been brainwashed.

Sparky McGruff June 6, 2012 at 9:30 pm

On that note, if I stumbled upon a resume that had nothing but Christian schools, I can't imagine that I would file that sucker anywhere other than the trash. It's not that I'm anti-religious, mind you — I'd do the same for anyone whose education was entirely contained within the states of Texas or Louisiana.

I did my time in a Christian bible-thumper school. Two years. There were one or two really good teachers, and a whole lot of crappy ones. I particularly remember my biology teacher, who had previously been the bus driver. I had to sit against the wall, away from the rest of the students, because she was convinced that I was cheating. After all, nobody could know all these things she was teaching, like "what is a red blood cell". Good times.

SheriffJoeBiden June 5, 2012 at 11:53 am

I think it's finally time to admit to ourselves that democracy does not work.

PubOption June 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Or that we could not keep the republic.

SheriffJoeBiden June 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Hey I did my part. I comment on Wonkette fer chrissakes!

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

If I were registered to vote, I'd show those fat cats how I really feel by staying home on election day.

A_D June 5, 2012 at 11:58 am

Stories like this are why Canadians point and laugh at Americans. Though if Harper stays in power long we won't have much to laugh about.

didgen June 5, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Hey, they must be doing something good, they come in fifth or better out of fifty. That's good right? Soon they'll be in the winner's circle!

owhatever June 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

My name is Bubba-Bob Landrolux and I am a proud Louisianerian. However, the state is becomed too liberal, and I want to succeed from it and form our own super-conservative state where God can teach in our school and we live on oil royalties

pinkoschminko June 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Louisiana legislators, read this out loud, "I am Sofa King we tart Ed". Nevermind, they are probably too stupid to get it.

sewollef June 5, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Can we please, please get rid of these useless, dumb ass states once and for all? Please?

Think how much money we'd save without states that forever suck at the federal teat?

bravo_sierra June 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

You know what else they've privatized? Prisons. They have the largest percentage of people in prison in the country, which means they "lead" the world. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/26/opinion/blow-pl

poorgradstudent June 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I "like" that you don't have to dig that far to see that the entire rationale is just "Duuur private is always better than public 'cause Jesus and stuff."

RocketJSquirrel June 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Bobby Jindal attended a well respected public magnet school in Baton Rouge. If that's the result we're getting from the public schools, seems anything would be an improvement.

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Now they just need the feeder schools and the system is complete.

extreme_left June 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm

hey hopefully year zero is just around the corner

swordfis June 5, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Editor – Are you making this up?

ttommyunger June 5, 2012 at 6:24 pm

This is cold, but it really seems to fit with Bayou Folk: Citizens get the government they deserve.

spinozasgod June 5, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I live in Wisconsin….I did not get the government I deserve. I am afraid to watch the election returns, walker was head in the polls.

ttommyunger June 5, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I live in Georgia. It is every bit as fucktarded as Wisconsin. I got the government I deserve because I don't do shit except vote and I continue to live here as a matter of choice. You are fucked and so am I. Go down with the ship or move, I say.

DahBoner June 6, 2012 at 7:23 am

Diaper hooker Vindaloo!

hippie13 June 6, 2012 at 9:18 am

Louisiana: If they too dum too reed them too dum to no wat's goin on! Y'all!

MagnoliaGrl June 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

So Bobby Jindal, a Brown University graduate with two degrees (in science) who turned down Harvard med to become a Rhodes Scholar, is busily assuring that no future child in the state of Louisiana will repeat his feat. Way to leave no child behind.

Happy_Sunshine August 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Our family are lifetime Louisiana residents. Too many preachers & pastors have more regard for politics and cronies, than ministry for God; some are dangerously deluded, and should simply resign and cease abusing 501 (c) statuses. Furthermore, sadly, the title of “pastor” doesn’t mean the same as bygone times when religious values mattered to people who wore those religious titles. A LOT MORE about why Gov. Jindal’s voucher program, the NONPROPITS, and the preachers is an alarming matter, is posted here: http://www.lawgrace.org/2012/08/11/nonprofit-char

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 9:51 am

Hygiene class: "Kids, asthma is the work of the devil. If you have asthma, you've been sinful, probably touching your naughty parts."

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:30 am

Math class: "If you have one bucket that contains 2 gallons and another bucket that contains 7 gallons, how many buckets do you have?"

prommie June 5, 2012 at 10:32 am

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey.
Soy un perdador.

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:34 am

History class: "Nothing happened before you were born that isn't in the Bible or is important. Now, here's a mop. Go clean the halls for the rest of the period."

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

Chemistry class: "You have red phosphorous and blue iodine. What chemical do you need to make crystal meth? Where would you steal it? Extra credit for a practical example. Show your work."

Generation[redacted] June 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

A: None. God created buckets, so they belong to the church.

sullivanst June 5, 2012 at 11:07 am

Depends. How many buckets be they stealing?

actor212 June 5, 2012 at 10:38 am

Or the janitor

bagofmice June 5, 2012 at 11:10 am

HOMICIDE LIBEL!!!

KotBR June 5, 2012 at 11:11 am

Or Monsanto.

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