Catholic Church Patiently Explains ‘Religious Freedom’ To More Uppity Nuns

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sister Wendy, total slutWOMEN! All the Church wants them to do is take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, and in return they can … live in poverty, chastity, and obedience! (Did you know that when a woman takes her nunly vows, it is not the holy rite of ordination like a priest would get?) But also in return, nuns get to minister to the sick and the poor and do all the other works of “Mother” Church and they can rest easy at night knowing the burden of making decisions for themselves will not be weighing on their shoulders. Unfortunately, sometimes one or all of them does get a bee in her bonnet about some flighty thing. (Probably shoes? We hear they like Prada.) But luckily for them, the Pope is so good at clearing his schedule when they get out of line with their “social justice” and “compassion” nonsense, and flies to rescue them from themselves. And that is what he did for poor misguided Mercy Sister Margaret Farley, a professor emeritus of Christian ethics at Yale. Which prompts the question: Why is Yale conferring such special status on some dumb, defective broad who obviously don’t know her Bible? Oh, well, let us let the Inquisition sort it out.

Bring it, Beeb:

The Holy See’s orthodoxy office said the 2005 book, Just Love, by Sister Margaret Farley posed “grave harm” to the faithful.

It said her ideas on masturbation, homosexual acts, homosexual unions and remarriage were in “direct contradiction” with Catholic teaching.

Sister Farley said her ideas were coherent with theological tradition.

The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Vatican’s doctrinal department, said her writings revealed a “defective understanding of the objective nature of natural moral law” and were “in direct contradiction with Catholic teaching in the field of sexual morality”.

The notification was signed by department head Cardinal William Levada and approved by Pope Benedict XVI.

The Vatican has also banned the use of the book by Catholic teachers.

Sorry, Vatty, but banning is not good enough. Burn books or GTFO! But what does Sr. Farley say about this (as if we should even let her answer)?

Although my responses to some particular sexual ethical questions do depart from some traditional Christian responses, I have tried to show that they nonetheless reflect a deep coherence with the central aims and insights of these theological and moral traditions. Whether through interpretation of biblical texts, or through an attempt to understand “concrete reality” (an approach at the heart of “natural law”), the fact that Christians (and others) have achieved new knowledge and deeper understanding of human embodiment and sexuality seems to require that we at least examine the possibility of development in sexual ethics. This is what my book, Just Love, is about.


The Church don’t need your stinking “scholarship,” NUN LADY! And while we’re at it, let’s get that slut Sister Wendy on the pyre too, always nattering on as she is about “lovely, fluffy pubic hair” and other things she should not even know exist. It is a pity so many Catholic nuns are trying to infringe on the Church’s freedom of religion, by disagreeing with them sometimes. Sorry “nuns,” next time try having magical penises. [BBC/NCROnline]

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Barb June 4, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'm surprised they have time to bother thinking about the nuns. Their "abusive priest parish shuffle" takes up most of their time. Nothing will cure a pedophile like moving him on to new locations and fresh victims.

Boojum June 4, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Pedophile libel! What do you mean, "cure"? These priests are just educating these little boys on what it MEANS to be "loved" by God. See, Job. Also see, Genesis 19:8.

Biff June 4, 2012 at 5:51 pm

A pimp's priest's love is different from that of a square…

memzilla June 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I think the Church uses the same algorithm to shuffle priests around that the Rethuglicans use to gerrymander voting districts.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, teh baby is sooooooo CUTE!!!!

Barb June 4, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Thanks, makes me want to have another baby.

HistoriBarb June 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm

As someone with a 17 year-old and two kids too young to go to elementary school, let me say – NOOOOOOOO!!! Enjoy grand-parenting … you can look after them, enjoy them, spoil them and then send them back to their parents who are so grateful for that brief respite that they don't dare object to how badly you spoiled the little tyke.

Barb June 4, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Yeah, you're right. That "missing uterus" thing could complicate it too.
Oh, and I had my tubes tied at age 20.

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Maybe the Nuns should just turn in the pedophile priests to the authorities. (The cops not the Vatican).

rickmaci June 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Not enough of that has occurred.

glamourdammerung June 4, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Has it ever occurred? Even once?

Not snark.

BerkeleyBear June 4, 2012 at 6:57 pm

In that Phillip Seymour Hoffman movie, maybe, but not in real life.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I was thinking about that movie, too.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Catholics do not FAP, sister! They molest children and make them depositories!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 5:20 pm

It's fine as long as their seed doesn't hit the ground.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

That's why the kids wear those long gowns

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Personally, I learned alot from Sister Mary Discipline…

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 5:18 pm

In the meantime, is Sister Bertrille still allowed to fly?

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Not any more. Some Nebraska cow farmer took a shot at her.

Tundra Grifter June 4, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Or an Alaskan governor.

Negropolis June 5, 2012 at 1:02 am


Local_Mojo June 4, 2012 at 5:18 pm

So, a guy signs up to be part of an outfit whose entire staff never has sex and never marries. Can't even masturbate.

You expect them to have normal opinions about anything in life?

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 5:28 pm

For example, if I were really and truly against abortion, I'd be handing out free contraceptives to everyone. And I'd call myself Planned Parenthood. Heck, I'd throw in cancer screenings too, why not.

YasserArraFeck June 4, 2012 at 5:33 pm

where do you get these crazy notions??

rickmaci June 4, 2012 at 5:43 pm

100 Hail Mary's on the chalk board before you leave tonight buster.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 6:45 pm

And fifty Our Fathers.

Negropolis June 5, 2012 at 1:03 am

And 25 "Oh, God, Yeses!"

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Poor Sister Farley. If she had stayed with the Church approved message that the only appropriate sex is between a priest and an altar boy, she would not have had any problems.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

And, can you blame the pope, because everyone knows that the Catholic Church's problem with sex is exclusively from nuns writing books about it.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 6:45 pm

If not for THAT, they would have NO problems at all.

bagofmice June 5, 2012 at 10:51 am

A de-frocking double entendre? Oh my.

mormos June 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

wait! you mean to tell me there is some kind of disconnect between the silk wrapped hegemony living in palaces literally gilded with gold and the grunts in the street living out vows of compassion and poverty? i'm blown over.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Who'd'a thunk it?

bumfug June 4, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Back to the good old days of mutilating knuckles with steel-edge rulers!

Mittens Howell, III June 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Ah … sweet memories.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Ours stuck the boys' heads in the big wooden-top desks and then brought them down with a most terrifying CRUNCH!

SheriffRoscoe June 4, 2012 at 5:22 pm

It'd be a sin to waste a magic penis.

TanzbodenKoenig June 4, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Fucking hard-line catholics. You think that 500 years after their overbearing, corrupt, and horrendously misguided interpretation's of the Gospel caused a schism in Christianity that resulted in nearly 200 years of unending war and human misery they would learn that becoming even more insular and intolerant was possibly not the best course of action? Of course you would also think they could learn that from reading the Bible, but thats not really what Catholicism is all about is it?

Boojum June 4, 2012 at 5:37 pm

So this is why the Republicans are reaching out to Catholics!

GemlikeFlame June 4, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Not as practiced in the good old USA it isn't.

Dashboard_Jesus June 5, 2012 at 1:13 am

Amen, during my entire 14 years of Catholic school I NEVER saw one religious ed teacher pull out a bible to teach 'christianity' to us young heathens…instead they relied on the Catholic Catechism, a humongous 'book' compiling 2000 years of all the ridiculous rules and regulations and edicts spewed forth from some papal douchebag…the turning point for me was when one of these idiots used the word 'catechetical' in class and I burst out laughing at the sound of it…no, Catholics are NOT instructed on the teachings of the Jesus from the bible cuz we have all these wonderful spiritual 'leaders'/ closeted gay pedophiles to interpret the Word of Gawd for us poor unwashed masses…needless to say I left the un-Holy Catholic Church as soon as I was able to see thru their enormous pile of bullshit (and didn't have to rely on the parents for rent money!) srsly fuck all these hypocritical un-godly un-holy old white queens (on the other hand you do have to give the nuns props for putting up with this patriarchal non-sense for so long while continuing to actually CARE about other human beings! *rant over* PS- Gawd Bliss us all!

bumfug June 4, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Vatican court sentenced Sis Farley to go live in a van, down by the river.

Mittens Howell, III June 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Thinking will make you go blind, Sister.

weejee June 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Sister Wendy is totally hot. She'd call in a napalm strike on that Breitfart giclée art polluter in a half a rosary bead.

sullivanst June 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Although from what I recall of Sister Wendy, I believe she'd call him Bweitfart.

johnnyzhivago June 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I left the Catholic church 20 years ago, but I know a lot of Catholics and almost all of them could care less about 90% of the church's teachings. I just don't understand why they don't break off and form the "American Reformed Catholic Church".

Or just become Presbyterians or Methodists or something. When I ask them why they stay it's always "too much trouble" or "I couldn't do that"….

As for the nuns – I feel badly for them – first of all there can't be many left in the US and they deserve so much more than the sh*t they are getting from the church right now. I had a Catholic education and the nuns (and later brothers) were some of the most dedicated people I ever knew.

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 8:33 pm

There are still some convents in our area (Puget Sound) and the nuns work to help save sex trafficking victims. Of course, this means that they are under investigation by the Vatican for being "feminists."

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Hah! I'll bet the Vatican misses the good old days when the nuns would just secretly have orgies with each other….okay, I miss those days too. I'll be in my bunk…

edgydrifter June 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm

The Church is correct: facts and reason are the gravest threats it will ever face.

johnnyzhivago June 4, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Even the Catholic Church supports evolution and global warming, which puts it ahead of the Republican Party!!

weejee June 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Yes the Church in operating in the mid 1600's while the Repugs say mid-tenth century or so.

edgydrifter June 4, 2012 at 5:37 pm

True today, but accepted science is only ever a Papal encyclical away from heresy.

weejee June 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm

They call that encyclicalitis don't they? An acute deformation of the papal brain. Can't say reformation of the pope's think tank, that would be total heresy.

Dashboard_Jesus June 5, 2012 at 1:26 am


Schmannnity June 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Once nuns learned how to fly, this was inevitable.

Lucidamente1 June 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm
emmelemm June 4, 2012 at 6:32 pm

double snark off:

Seattle's own Archbishop: [The nuns] have been "focusing [their] work too much on poverty and economic injustice, while keeping 'silent' on abortion and same-sex marriage." Focussing TOO MUCH on poverty.

Seattle Protests Its Archbishop

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 6:55 pm

This really hurts me. I have known a lot of horrible nuns, but I have also known a lot of very good, dedicated nuns, who have their entire lives over to the care of others. So long as there is poverty, hunger, and economic injustice in the world, there cannot be "too much" focus on such issues. Seattle's Archbishop should be ashamed of himself.

emmelemm June 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Yeah, Sartain is really banging the "vote for gay marriage ban" drum here, and he's just pissed that the nuns are refusing to beat the drum with him. (No double entendre intended!)

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Half an hour alone with him and my "special collection" is all I ask. I guarantee he'll be singing a very different tune after I have "explained" all the issues to him.

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Once you become Bishop, there is no room for shame. It's not for nothing they call their territory "Bishopricks*"

*on purpose.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 11:20 pm

I know — I'm such a spelling Nazi that you have to warn me off before I jump in and get all bitey with teeth flashing.

I've seen two documentaries on the abuse of children by the functionaries of the Catholic Church. The Magdalene Sisters, and Deliver Us From Evil. Of course, sexual abuse of children is rife in any culture where children lack any rights and are handed over to the care of figures who derive their authority from mumbo-jumbo. But, my god, the kind of person who can collude in robbing the innocence of a defenseless child is just despicable.

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 8:34 pm

It's like Jesus said, "Fuck the poor. Stop those faggots from marrying."

emmelemm June 4, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Most people don't know that it's been constantly mistranslated from the original Aramaic. That's what he really said, dontcha know.

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Mel Gibson helpfully translated that very message for us all in the "Passion of the Christ" which was not at all based on Wagners infamous anti-semitic Passion screed that Hitler loved so, so much.

Dashboard_Jesus June 5, 2012 at 1:33 am

spoken as only a person without a womb could (or a basic understanding of the teachings of the Jesus) srsly these bishops and cardinals and popes are so utterly WITHOUT compassion or moral decency that it would be funny if not for the millions who suffer from their idiocracy

Mittens Howell, III June 4, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Christ Lady! Don't you know our Nazi, secretly-gay, pedophile-protecting Pope is infallible? I'm pretty sure it's in the Bible!

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Which one?

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 5:30 pm

All of them, Katie?

Mittens Howell, III June 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

It's written in invisible Jesus ink.

LastGasp June 4, 2012 at 5:29 pm

her ideas on masturbation, homosexual acts, homosexual unions and remarriage were in “direct contradiction” with Catholic teaching

What "direct contradiction"? Have you never heard of priests molesting boys? And for the right amount of money you can have the Catholic Church annul your marriage so you're free to remarry in the church.

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm

It's against Catholic teaching, if not practice.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Where I come from, Catholics simply do not divorce. If you're married in Church, that's the person you're married to for life.

Here, I find large numbers of American Catholics have their marriages ANNULLED!! I've only ever heard of this being done if one of the parties either refused to, or was physically incapable of, consummation. When you have FIVE or more children running around, all living evidence that the marriage was consummated, on what grounds could you possibly annul? I ask in all seriousness.

Katydid June 4, 2012 at 7:11 pm

You only needs money, not grounds. In all seriousness.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Unbelievable. It's enough to drive a bugger to drink.

miss_grundy June 4, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Annulment is the Catholic divorce. And if you pay enough money, the church will make sure that you get one, so that you can be on your way.

Negropolis June 5, 2012 at 1:09 am

Indulgences live, then.

Dashboard_Jesus June 5, 2012 at 1:37 am

It's the grift that keeps on giving, and giving, and….

Fairtackle June 4, 2012 at 5:29 pm

"objective nature of natural moral law”
Basically it is science silly women, and really what more do you really need (magic penis).

Callyson June 4, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Dear Mom,

Thank you for sparing me from Catholic school, even though your parents made you go. And thank you for hardly ever taking me to church.

Also, RIP in liberal heaven.


MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:42 pm

You owe your Momma BIG for this.

YasserArraFeck June 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm

No problem – Sister Farley will still be able to scrub floors without fingernails

poorgradstudent June 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Silly nuns, religious freedom is about getting to tell people – even people who aren't part of your faith tradition – what they can't do, not about being able to have your own opinions and interpretations about things!

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm

You wrote: "Silly nuns, religious freedom is about getting to tell people them stoopit wimmenz – [...]"


poorgradstudent June 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Point taken, but it's not JUST the wimmenz, it's us gays too. "God made you gay and told you that you can't be gay at the same time, for the lolz."

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:32 pm

True. What kind of an idiot god would that be? Oh, wait. Isn't that what Cthulhoids call their deities? Idiot gods?


Fare la Volpe June 4, 2012 at 9:29 pm

"Women, your only purpose is having babies" –> Makes over half of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

God's a dick.

Callyson June 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

From Amazon's (ahem) description:

This long-awaited book by one of American Christianity's foremost ethicists proposes a framework for sexual ethics whereby justice is the criterion for all loving, including love that is related to sexual activity and relationships. It begins with historical and cross-cultural explorations, then addresses the large questions of embodiment, gender, and sexuality, and finally delineates the justice framework for sexual ethics.
Though Just Love's particular focus is Christian sexual ethics, Farley's framework is broad enough to have relevance for multiple traditions. Also covered are specific issues in sexual ethics, including same-sex relationships, marriage and family, divorce and second marriage, celibacy, and sex and its negativities.

Love and sex, together at last? Heresy!!!

Boojum June 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Nuns seem to be sublimating their sexual drives into intellectual endeavors and charity; priests, into the anuses of little boys.

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Yeah…except I'm convinced priests are pedos before entering the priesthood. They simply think going God will somehow cure them of the urges or some shit…nuns can sometimes have a tawdry past. Which begs the question, what woman in her right mind would give up a life of fleshy delights to don a habit? What's the over-under on holy fapping of the brides of gods fish tacos? Personally since women are just as sexually depraved as guys are (more power to them!) I'd say probably 90% chance of self-pleasure at least.

Warwhatgoodfor June 5, 2012 at 9:43 pm

You think. Sun might rise in the east as well. All the other inclined guys knew to go to te boston seminary. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Warwhatgoodfor June 5, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Not vaguely Christian, but checking to see if this is available for download.

Warwhatgoodfor June 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Crap. Not on kindle. Wonder how much the boys at the vatican had to shell out for that little bomb. Hard bound is $28. Somebody post a bootleg.

mrpuma2u June 4, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The catholic church/school/psych disorder factory near my house is celebrating "100 years of Catholic Education" Note that they don't say quality education, or supportive, growth oriented education. I am fighting the urge to re-work one of the signs to say something like "100 years of physical, psychological and sexual abuse, in the name of hay-SOOS" Ugh.

WhatTheHeck June 4, 2012 at 5:35 pm

After the Vatican is done with the sistas, they’re going to turn the heat up on the brotha in the White House. Tjis will force them into an unholy alliance with the Mormons.

Maman June 4, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Why wouldn't Sister Wendy know about public hair? When she took the veil did hers mysteriously disappear?

Boojum June 4, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Yes. Or so the priests imagine, when they see their favorite objects of the Corrective Rod of Discipline (magic penis).

HogeyeGrex June 4, 2012 at 5:36 pm

She must have been quoting the Beat-off-itudes.

Poindexter718 June 4, 2012 at 5:36 pm

"Bee in her bonnett"? Really, editrix? Really?? You have lost all credibility on matters theological vestment with that one.
More @ "wasp in her wimple" or "hornet in her habit."

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 5:58 pm

We obviously must throw acid at her and her bonnet bee.

Callyson June 4, 2012 at 5:37 pm

True story:

One of the few times the family *did* go to church was for midnight mass, on Christmas eve…as you'd expect, the church was crowded and we had a hard time finding seats for me, my mom, my aunt and my grandmother. Mom found some seats way in front, but by then my crotchety grandmother had lost patience and insisted that we just go back home. Irritated, Mom forgot where she was and yelled "Goddamit! I'm pissed!"

EVERYONE turned to look at us…

Still ROTFLMAO when I remember that night…

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 8:44 pm

My mom was raised Catholic, and had a really soft spot in her heart for nuns. Whenever she went back to visit California, she would meet up with the sisters and take them to lunch. They were vivacious old ladies who adored my mom and were anxious to hear about everything that went on with her.

Other than loving these biddies like family, the only thing Mom ever mentioned about Catholicism was, "That fucking Pollock Pope is a fucking fuck." (My mom is Polish). I think the "fucking fuck" part was her own interpretation of The Vatican's direction.

chascates June 4, 2012 at 5:38 pm

See? Forbid people to have sex and that's all they can think about!

BarackMyWorld June 4, 2012 at 5:38 pm

How much sense does the Catholic Church's position on sexual issues make?

Nun at all.

doloras June 4, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Of course, the Vatican are LIBERALS according to the traditionalists of the SSPX, who think that things went to hell in 1962 when the Vatican approved the idea of "religious freedom". What a bunch of nonsense, say the SSPX: error has no rights.

glamourdammerung June 4, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Not to mention dropping that whole "minor issue" about the Jews.

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 8:44 pm

That's the thing that gets them the most riled up.

Mumbletypeg June 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Fuck this. When's the Vatican gonna get around to pinning blame on our uppity nuns for making their sister-species, flappity-penguins, turn ghey?

iburl June 4, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Don't let the celibate women teach you all about sex, let the celibate men, DUH!

memzilla June 4, 2012 at 5:43 pm

The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Vatican’s doctrinal department…

Something else the Rethuglicans have appropriated for their Tea Klux Klan division.

CrankyLttlCamperette June 4, 2012 at 6:24 pm

The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith sounds better than "witch hunt."

Because that's precisely what it is.

MosesInvests June 4, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Yep-the CDF used to be called the "Holy Office", AKA the Inquistion, AKA the hunters of witches and heretics.

deanbooth June 4, 2012 at 5:44 pm

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
― Oscar Wilde

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Then Oscar was doing it wrong or had some super-hero Superman v. Wonderwoman-type fucking. That kind of sex WOULD be about power, ha-ha-ha-ha….eh, I tried to make that funny…..

Biff June 4, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Surprisingly easy to masturbate to…

Douché June 4, 2012 at 5:52 pm

These nuns need to be more priest-like. How about sexually abusing a few boys and getting off on that? You holier than thou ninnies.

Guppy June 4, 2012 at 6:00 pm

That's OK, pubic hair doesn't exist on too many Catholic women, anyway.

johnnymeatworth June 4, 2012 at 6:00 pm

"You can't lie to a nun, Jake. You gotta go in and visit the Penguin."

"No. Fucking. Way."

Swampgas_Man June 4, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Better that than the Joker or Two-Face.

PubOption June 4, 2012 at 7:34 pm

So Newtie lied to a nun.

Biff June 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I need to get that one!

sbj1964 June 4, 2012 at 6:10 pm

The inquisition let's begin.The Inquisition let's not sin.I know your wishing that we'd go away! But the Inquisitions here, and it's here to Stay!!!!!! Thank you Mel Brooks.

rickmaci June 4, 2012 at 6:11 pm

If the Nazi Pope is getting to you, try atheism. If that is too big a leap, go to the Episcopal Church. The ceremonies and liturgy are basically Roman Catholic Lite but the people are rational, thoughtful and a whole bunch more fun.

Gunner Asch June 4, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Yes, Alan Watts basically said he went Episcopal 'cause it was fun swinging the incense censers.

miss_grundy June 4, 2012 at 11:32 pm

I can attest to that since I made the change a few weeks ago and I loooovvvvvveeee going to an episcopal church. I haven't felt this good about going to church in years.

chascates June 4, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Typical sex discrimination in the Church. Nuns do everything a priest does only backwards and in high heels. Nuns are supposed to force children to learn or tend to the disgusting lepers and then die in poverty.

pinkocommi June 4, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Ha ha ha ha! Sister Margaret just used "Catholic Church" and "understanding of human sexuality" in the same sentence. That is just too funny!

Goonemeritus June 4, 2012 at 6:34 pm

As an American Catholic I would support a military coup d'état lead by Nun’s to over trough the male hierarchy in Rome. The thought of an all Nun tank battalion rolling into Saint Peters Basilica makes me smile.

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I'm not a Catholic, but it makes me smile, too.

HistoriBarb June 4, 2012 at 8:01 pm

It wouldn't take a huge force. As Stalin said, "how many divisions does the Pope have?"

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 11:07 pm
BigSkullF*ckingDog June 4, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Be a nun. Twice the work with actual celibacy! Well, except for the lesbian ones. Don't tell me I'm the only one with that fantasy.

Naked_Bunny June 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Is that the one where you get spanked by a ruler at some point? Or maybe I shouldn't have asked….

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Hon, I have a BOOK titled Lesbian Nuns.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 4, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Hawt. My other fantasy includes corrupting one of those polygamist Mormon chicks, or maybe an Amish chick. Got any literature for that?

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Unfortunately, I got rid of my vast collection of literary works (and pr0n) by LGBTQ folks some time ago. Had I known I would meet you someday, I would've hung on to it, and passed it on to a good home. Although I think I do have some excellent wimmenz comix and ghey comix from the 70s that might need a good home someday.

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I've got a true story…I dated a molly mormon while living in Utah…it was kind of odd because molly mormons are so…naive, innocent of life. But let's just say I did sleep with her after much, much work..the relationship ended when she demanded I go convert and wear magic undies, which was a non starter….also there was one other mormon girl but she was considered a "Jack mormon" (ask SLC native he probably knows what that means) who was not nearly as difficult to con for cheap sex, er profess my deepest and sincerest love to. Seriously molly mormon girls are suckers for non-Mormon guys in existential "spiritual crisis"…but the one mormon girl I really, really wanted was only legally related (she was my stepfathers neice). Unfortunately her parents were assholes and hated my stepfather so I only saw them once or twice at family gatherings but my god she was begging for befouling…anyway, it can happen you just have to seem VERY sincere about the crisis when asking them questions and also, it doesn't hurt if you're a lot more attractive then say….Clint Howard. Not judging, just saying….anyway, those were my teen years and now women are much better than sex objects to me… for instance, I had a HUGE crush on my nerdy European history prof. for being young, intelligent and witty and attractive in a certain way. She also had the nerdy librarian girl thing going….too bad she is happily married…curse me luck.

PubOption June 4, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Ken Russell had that fantasy as well.

deanbooth June 4, 2012 at 7:55 pm

The average age of nuns today is 69.

* Bevis and Butthead laugh *

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Not only…not alone at all my friend…

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Nahh…not so much anymore since Mother church has gotten so ancient…but back in the day when the practice in Europe was to send their tartly daughters to convent for being sluts there was once some nun orgies. Nowadays the only reality of that was during the filming of Machete when Lindsey Lohan got drunk in her nun costume and went down on that chick she was with…I'm assuming logically it happened that way and have never checked TMZ to confirm…ever.

YasserArraFeck June 5, 2012 at 12:26 am

I like my nuns on the killer, hawt or pulpy side (maybe NSFW – you could consult your HR department).

ifthethunderdontgetya June 4, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Dear Nuns,

Shut up!

- Cardinal William Levada

Furthermore, here's Sister Wendy O. Williams.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 4, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Doktor StrangeZoom June 4, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Oh. Catholic Girls?

(With the cute little mustache…)

MittBorg June 4, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Oh, man. Will you go tell Boojum the assburgers story, dood?

I want to enjoy the Catholic girls' little mustaches for a bit more.

sbj1964 June 4, 2012 at 6:49 pm

So your a Nun? And your story is that a 3 headed god ,ghost man,Cosmic Jew came down to earth,and raped a 13 year old girl to impregnate her with himself so he can later sacrifice himself to himself for rules he himself put in place? and while he was down here told people that they can live forever if they eat his flesh,and drink his blood,and that they don't have to burn in hell forever just because some naked Tart got conned into eating a piece of fruit from a magical tree by a talking snake?Your high school guidance consular was an ass.

Warpde June 4, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Sister Farley just has to remember that they don't call them Nun's for nothing.
Well actually they do.
I get mine, you get Nun.

Naked_Bunny June 4, 2012 at 7:01 pm

There's no loving in Catholicism!

/Tom Hanks

owhatever June 4, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Nothing like a guy in a dress to set a woman straight about sex.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Pfft. These are the same people who tortured Galileo to get him to recant his statement that the earth goes around the sun. They finally pardoned him in 1992, 350 fuckin years after he died.

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 11:11 pm

At which point, up in Heaven, Galileo turns to the nearest priest (probably one of a tiny minority in paradise) and punches him in the face.

ttommyunger June 4, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I blame Obama.

PubOption June 4, 2012 at 7:46 pm

We had a preview of this disagreement a few years ago in St. Louis, a leftist nun, Sister Carla Mae Streeter, addressed a homeowners association meeting (pre crash) and told us to consider social issues as well as our house prices. At the same time the local archbishop was excommunicating more Catholics than any other bishop in the last 200 or 300 years. Said archbishop was moved to Rome to become a member of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, given a chance he could bringing back burnings at the stake.

a_pink_poodle June 4, 2012 at 7:55 pm

If only there was a sort of reformation movement to attempt to correct any seemingly misunderstood aspects of the Christian faith… BUT WHO?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb June 4, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Pastor Ted Haggard?

DustBowlBlues June 4, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Yes. A shout-out to my favorite historical topic. Thanks! Go, Luther.

MosesInvests June 4, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Apparently Luther had no problem with the anti-Semitism part of Catholicism.

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I think the only reformation that will work now is to kick ALL of these sick motherfuckers to the curb. ALL organized religions – no exceptions.

“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest”
-Denis Diderot

Chow Yun Flat June 4, 2012 at 8:02 pm

It is OK for nuns to go to El Salvador to be slaughtered along with other enemies of the government but they better have the right line on same sex marriage.

Wile E. Quixote June 4, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Doesn't Sister Margaret Farley know that the only people who are allowed to write books about Catholic morality are fine, upstanding priests like Thomas Williams.

Wile E. Quixote June 4, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Bad nun! Bad nun! No communion wafer!

Come here a minute June 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Cardinal William Levada, rhymes with Prada.

tbogg June 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm

You know, by allowing her to learn how to read and write, they were just asking for it.

Wile E. Quixote June 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Dear Sister Margaret Farley,

No wafer for you!

Sincerely yours,

The Pope Nazi

Geminisunmars June 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Some of my best friends are nuns.

(Actually untrue. But one of my best friends is best friends with nuns. This counts, right?)

Antispandex June 4, 2012 at 10:14 pm

As a life long Catholic, let me simplify church doctrine so you can more clearly understand it. "You girls do all of the work, we've got stuff to think about. No, of course you can't help us do the thinking, you're girls!"….You're welcome.

DustBowlBlues June 4, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Didn't the church also do this to the "network" or whatever the group of nuns who run hospitals and other shit that belongs to the Catholic church. Half awake, I'm relatively sure while the radio was set to NPR and I was trying to get my eyes open and my body out of bed I heard this.

And lets not forget when the previous wearer of the Ruby Slippers recalled all the Jesuits. Dip shit John Paul II (whom Her Noonington wants his canonized, post haste) told the Jesuits to get out of public life, stat and there went Rep. Father Drynan (sp?) because what Xian good could a Democrat with actual Xian values possibly do good as a member of congress . (About or just before 1976, same year that I got sober. So I remember about half of that year). Who could take a guy in a giant, silly hat seriously?

Sharkey June 4, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Don't make me slap a bitch!

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:19 pm

So…this being Wonkette, what are the chances any of you can go rile that fat asshole who runs the Catholic League over this sort of thing? I mean…there has to be a way we can get an anti-rightwing version of Catholic teachings bias meme going, right? Sorry…I just keep hoping any time I read some story about the Vatican, aka NAMBLA this lardbucket will be apoplectic somewhere leading to a Worm-burrito Brietbart moment. Ah, happy times…now back to nun orgies with me.

SayItWithWookies June 4, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Hey, this slightly not-quite-orthodox book was published in 2005 — which means it only took Pope Benny seven years to oppress it. So there's hope yet that, after eight decades of abetting institutionalized pedophilia he'll become aware of that too. Maybe.

lulzmonger June 4, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Sister Wendy: hit it or quit it?


Hoisted_Peatard June 5, 2012 at 12:06 am

Catholic doctrine on this is such bullshit…everyone knows WHERE the doctrine of celibacy orignated from…the Herman Cain of popes 9okay, that's a bit strong9…this pope actually scored repeatedly9 so the entire establishment is shrouded in hypocrisy. They should at least allow nuns to fap…I mean for all the bullshit they have to put up with from contemporary society and the mysoginist hiearchy they should be allowed some indulgences without being defrocked. Anyway, Pope Nazi IV is just mad that this sister isn't taking to the right wing position of the German catholic church (hate the gays, fuck the poors) and therefore she deserves public embarassment.

Negropolis June 5, 2012 at 12:59 am

This is what my book, Just Love, is about.

Nice plug, sister. lol Hollywood may just have you yet.

BTW, the Catholic Church in my parish is being rejuvenated with this thing where a bunch of earnest, under-sexed teens go to the cathedral basement with nothing but candles and speak in nothing but Latin to venerate Mary. I forget the name of the movement, but it sounds kinky. I'm just worried they are going to go all Opus Dei on us when they get older.

HistoriBarb June 4, 2012 at 9:41 pm

That was really more of a warning for others who might have similar impulses … but I wouldn't expect that lack of uterus to stop you.

Barb June 4, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I am going to get a pet next. : )

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