900 billion drudge sirens

House Urinal Explodes: All House Reporters Soaked In Piss, Hopefully

This is where Rahm Emanuel fingered Eric MassaWhere were you on 6/4/12? This is the day that America got its groove back, after the world’s worst people — reporters — in the world’s worst institution — the House of Representatives — saw a urinal explode and soak them in pee and chewing tobacco pouches and mostly 100% water, more likely, but also perhaps that morning turd that some schlub keeps poppin’ in the urinal. They say you learn a lot about yourself after losing your first fight. Well, you learn a lot more after having that first urinal explode and hurl acid all over you. America’s back, baby. Exploding Urinal/Santelli ’16?

Tell us how it went down, National Journal?

A big splash occurred on Monday morning at the House Press Gallery in the U.S. Capitol.

No, this wasn’t one of those unexpected guest appearances for celebrities to talk to reporters about some favorite cause.

Oh god ENOUGH WITH YOUR CUTESY LEDES; what’s up with the exploding piss box?

This splash came from an exploding urinal. More specifically, something suddenly broke in the piping of the third-floor urinal, and water began spewing from beneath the men’s room door.

As the water flowed, it first surrounded the Associated Press’s working area, then spread toward both ends of the gallery, which was occupied by fewer than usual reporters and staffers, because the House is out of session until Tuesday.

Capitol Police officers, gallery staff, and other U.S. Capitol personnel moved to contain the flow. In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.

Employees from the Architect of the Capitol and other Capitol staffers managed to eventually stop the geyser. In came vacuums to suck up the water, and a section of the gallery carpeting was taken up – leaving behind a sticky floor.

REPORTERS/HILL STAFFERS: Can you tell us more? Which House reporter got covered in the most “water”? “Water” in scare quotes because maybe the “water” was “brown”? Email jim@wonkette.com with your hot urinal massacre stories/pix/sealed evidence please, thank you.

[National Journal]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. weejee

      Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham.

      Last seen running down the hall giggling "that'll show those APeers who's a pansy."

  1. OkieDokieDog

    How many times do they have to tell Chuck Todd not to put his used tampons in the damn urinals? Geesh.

  2. hagajim

    That's what happens when the shit is waist deep in Congress. Maybe the legislative Gods were trying to flush the assholes out of the Capitol.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      All of 'em, Katie!

      (finally, an appropriate question for that answer)

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, "
      People still read newspapers?

      No, they unread them, obvs.

      1. real_dc_native

        Off topic – your handle brought a tear to my eye. My first two cars were Studebaker Larks. They were out of production by then but those cars could take a beating.

    1. bumfug

      A lot of comments make me laugh but it's the great ones like this that make me go "Fuck! I wish I'd thought of that!"

  3. gullywompr

    Pfft, everybody knows those AP guys put that cherry bomb there themselves, just so they would have something to report on while the House was out of session. It's only fitting that their own words were used to mop it up.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    As much fun as the idea of everyone there getting soaked in pee-pee and poop is, if the fluid in the pipe that burst was under pressure as indicated, then it's in the flushing (supply) side rather than the drain side and therefore not yet contaminated with yucky bits. Make what snark you will about the supply side thing…

  5. CapeClod

    See? Print journalism is good for something. Try soaking up all that water with the internet.

  6. prommie

    President's daily briefing yesterday "Terrorists determined to strike in Mens Room."

  7. widestanceromance

    And just try to soak up old Congressional urine with a blog or a tweet–long live print!

  8. EatsBabyDingos

    I blame Satan. And super absorbant Depends. Satan keeps flushing the Depends.

    1. Buckminster

      I blame all those liquor bottles Denny Rehberg-R, MT, has been stowing in the supply tank. Let's hope voters send him home–or to a home.

    2. Negropolis

      I blame Obama. Apparently, you can never go wrong with blaming the blah president. Jews get a break just this once.

    1. Rotundo_

      I would have guessed Boehner myself, the guy smokes and drinks to the point where he probably excretes something like pureed chaw when he takes a leak.

  9. actor212

    In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.

    Including, oddly, every piece of legislation proposed by progressives over the past five years…

        1. OldWhiteLies

          Well done, Sir. Impeccable timing!

          (I have to quit eating and snarking at the same time. Please excuse me while I clean up some errant bits of triscuit spewed mid LOL … )

  10. Goonemeritus

    A giant spreading puddle of urine in our nation’s capital isn’t just symbolism it’s conclusive proof of an angry and somewhat juvenile deity.

  11. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I just want to know whose offices are on the second floor, and who's going to smell like the ditch in a Kentucky backwoods shooting gallery for the next few weeks.

  12. BornInATrailer

    The President was reading "My Incontinent Pet Goat" to a group of school children when this happened.

  13. SexySmurf

    The House of Representatives has a bathroom? I thought members of Congress just pissed directly onto the American people.

  14. BarackMyWorld

    This literally happened and is in no way a metaphor for how Congress treats the rest of us.

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    "[T]he third-floor urinal." They only need one, because usually Congress just goes around cold pissing on everybody.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Don't laugh — this is the biggest splash John Boehner's made since he became speaker.

  17. widestanceromance

    Suddenly, all those flushed fetuses gestating in the drains have had enough of Obamacare.

  18. Come here a minute

    An investigation revealed the cause to be the gigantic pissing contest that is the US Congress.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "There's another old saying, Senator: Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining. "

    1. weejee

      No problem, simply roll a non-soggy newspaper and use the Senator's coat pocket, like fans do standing in the queue at a NFL games.

  20. weejee

    Really Jim, it it news that the House reporters are a little pissy? It a bit like saying the Mariners play baseball. Well perhaps I should change that metaphor, but you get how this runs.

  21. AlaskaGrrl

    "…a section of the gallery carpeting was taken up – leaving behind a sticky floor."

    I don't even want to know.

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    "Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode."
    "You're talking about Congress, sir."
    "Of course I'm talking about Congress, you TWERP!"

  23. DaRooster

    "…because the House is out of session until Tuesday."

    They should have been at fucking work… loafers.

  24. johnnymeatworth

    Odds on when they start selling "I HAD A BLAST AT THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES' URINAL!" t-shirts?

  25. OldWhiteLies


    Exploding urinals couldn't have waited until the House was back in session? REALLY? Damn randomness of it all.

  26. WeHaveIssues

    And the Senate smirks. Dry and piss-free. Dirty, dirty, dirty little congresspeople.

Comments are closed.