900 BILLION DRUDGE SIRENS  3:25 pm June 4, 2012

House Urinal Explodes: All House Reporters Soaked In Piss, Hopefully

by Jim Newell

This is where Rahm Emanuel fingered Eric MassaWhere were you on 6/4/12? This is the day that America got its groove back, after the world’s worst people — reporters — in the world’s worst institution — the House of Representatives — saw a urinal explode and soak them in pee and chewing tobacco pouches and mostly 100% water, more likely, but also perhaps that morning turd that some schlub keeps poppin’ in the urinal. They say you learn a lot about yourself after losing your first fight. Well, you learn a lot more after having that first urinal explode and hurl acid all over you. America’s back, baby. Exploding Urinal/Santelli ’16?

Tell us how it went down, National Journal?

A big splash occurred on Monday morning at the House Press Gallery in the U.S. Capitol.

No, this wasn’t one of those unexpected guest appearances for celebrities to talk to reporters about some favorite cause.

Oh god ENOUGH WITH YOUR CUTESY LEDES; what’s up with the exploding piss box?

This splash came from an exploding urinal. More specifically, something suddenly broke in the piping of the third-floor urinal, and water began spewing from beneath the men’s room door.

As the water flowed, it first surrounded the Associated Press’s working area, then spread toward both ends of the gallery, which was occupied by fewer than usual reporters and staffers, because the House is out of session until Tuesday.

Capitol Police officers, gallery staff, and other U.S. Capitol personnel moved to contain the flow. In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.

Employees from the Architect of the Capitol and other Capitol staffers managed to eventually stop the geyser. In came vacuums to suck up the water, and a section of the gallery carpeting was taken up – leaving behind a sticky floor.

REPORTERS/HILL STAFFERS: Can you tell us more? Which House reporter got covered in the most “water”? “Water” in scare quotes because maybe the “water” was “brown”? Email jim@wonkette.com with your hot urinal massacre stories/pix/sealed evidence please, thank you.

[National Journal]

 
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{ 106 comments }

bumfug June 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

It was plugged up with Santorum.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

MEMO

TO: Rick Santorum

FROM: Actor212

It's "chicken". You're supposed to keep fucking that chicken!

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Who flushed the Cherry bomb down the toilet?

EatsBabyDingos June 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Rick Perry?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:38 pm

The Runaways?

FraAnima June 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Hello Dad! Hello Mom!
I'm your Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch
CHERRY BOMB!

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I have such a crush on Jackie Fox…

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Can't stay at home
can't stay at school..

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Those crazy guys from the Delta House?

WunkRocker June 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Larry Craig.

weejee June 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham.

Last seen running down the hall giggling "that'll show those APeers who's a pansy."

themcwow June 4, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Shirley Temple.

slowhansolo June 4, 2012 at 8:01 pm

What can I say? I'm a fan of the classics.

OkieDokieDog June 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

How many times do they have to tell Chuck Todd not to put his used tampons in the damn urinals? Geesh.

hagajim June 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

That's what happens when the shit is waist deep in Congress. Maybe the legislative Gods were trying to flush the assholes out of the Capitol.

Beowoof June 4, 2012 at 7:47 pm

That would take a flood of Noah proportions.

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

"gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, "
People still read newspapers?

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

All of 'em, Katie!

(finally, an appropriate question for that answer)

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, "
People still read newspapers?

No, they unread them, obvs.

Callyson June 4, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Now we know why the Washington Times has any subscribers, at all, anywhere.

JudasPeckerwood June 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Couldn't have happened to a nicer group of stenographers.

Extemporanus June 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

YELLOW JOURNALISM!

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Murdoch must be recruiting.

Studebaker Hawk June 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Kudos to the muckrakers who battled this cesspool of corruption.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 4, 2012 at 5:41 pm

This is worthy of its own entry, Stude!

real_dc_native June 4, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Off topic – your handle brought a tear to my eye. My first two cars were Studebaker Larks. They were out of production by then but those cars could take a beating.

bumfug June 4, 2012 at 4:32 pm

A lot of comments make me laugh but it's the great ones like this that make me go "Fuck! I wish I'd thought of that!"

fuflans June 4, 2012 at 5:36 pm

i think you get comment of the day.

gullywompr June 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Pfft, everybody knows those AP guys put that cherry bomb there themselves, just so they would have something to report on while the House was out of session. It's only fitting that their own words were used to mop it up.

muthalovin June 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

They still do muckraking, clearly.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Remember, remember, the Fourth of Junetember…

Robman2 June 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

And…wait for it…what can Brown do for you?

nonbeliever7 June 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Was it the Democratic or whites-only bathroom?

Gratuitous World June 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I expect the House GOP to come out firmly against Big Government spending to replace the infrastrcuture of this urinal. stay true, shitstains.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

As much fun as the idea of everyone there getting soaked in pee-pee and poop is, if the fluid in the pipe that burst was under pressure as indicated, then it's in the flushing (supply) side rather than the drain side and therefore not yet contaminated with yucky bits. Make what snark you will about the supply side thing…

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Trickle Down Economics finally worked!

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Close down this mommyblog. We cannot possibly top this.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Assuming there wasn't a cherry bomb or M-80 flushed, you mean. That could have built a pressure wave that backwashed.

CapeClod June 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

See? Print journalism is good for something. Try soaking up all that water with the internet.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Dammit!

*tearing up patent application for iSponge*

prommie June 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

President's daily briefing yesterday "Terrorists determined to strike in Mens Room."

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

And just try to soak up old Congressional urine with a blog or a tweet–long live print!

CrunchyKnee June 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Trickle down, bitches!!11

EatsBabyDingos June 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I blame Satan. And super absorbant Depends. Satan keeps flushing the Depends.

Buckminster June 4, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I blame all those liquor bottles Denny Rehberg-R, MT, has been stowing in the supply tank. Let's hope voters send him home–or to a home.

Negropolis June 5, 2012 at 2:14 am

I blame Obama. Apparently, you can never go wrong with blaming the blah president. Jews get a break just this once.

Estproph June 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Which Member of Congress pisses chewing tobacco?

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 5:07 pm

All…

Rotundo_ June 4, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I would have guessed Boehner myself, the guy smokes and drinks to the point where he probably excretes something like pureed chaw when he takes a leak.

Negropolis June 5, 2012 at 2:15 am

Boehner.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 4, 2012 at 3:36 pm

What? But its months till my birthday!

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.

Including, oddly, every piece of legislation proposed by progressives over the past five years…

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

But was the flood really "Sponge worthy"?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Depends

OldWhiteLies June 4, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Well done, Sir. Impeccable timing!

(I have to quit eating and snarking at the same time. Please excuse me while I clean up some errant bits of triscuit spewed mid LOL … )

Goonemeritus June 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

A giant spreading puddle of urine in our nation’s capital isn’t just symbolism it’s conclusive proof of an angry and somewhat juvenile deity.

Buckminster June 4, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Who said God can't have a good sense of humor? Anyone? Class? Buehler?

barto June 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Sounds like the work of Joe the Plumber.

OneYieldRegular June 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

He certainly knows how to fix Washington.

real_dc_native June 4, 2012 at 9:59 pm

or Nixon's plumbers and their dirty tricks.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ June 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I just want to know whose offices are on the second floor, and who's going to smell like the ditch in a Kentucky backwoods shooting gallery for the next few weeks.

CthuNHu June 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Patrick McHenry (R-NC), natch, but that's not news.

BornInATrailer June 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

The President was reading "My Incontinent Pet Goat" to a group of school children when this happened.

SexySmurf June 4, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The House of Representatives has a bathroom? I thought members of Congress just pissed directly onto the American people.

BarackMyWorld June 4, 2012 at 5:39 pm

this iz win.

BarackMyWorld June 4, 2012 at 3:40 pm

This literally happened and is in no way a metaphor for how Congress treats the rest of us.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Not a thing should be read into this highly ironic and poetic event, no sir!

EatsBabyDingos June 4, 2012 at 3:41 pm

"[T]he third-floor urinal." They only need one, because usually Congress just goes around cold pissing on everybody.

pinkocommi June 4, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Finally the Washington Press Corps get pissed off about something appropriate.

SayItWithWookies June 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Don't laugh — this is the biggest splash John Boehner's made since he became speaker.

elfgoldsackring June 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Champagne showers for everyone!

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Suddenly, all those flushed fetuses gestating in the drains have had enough of Obamacare.

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

And to think the GOP Congressmen usually have to pay for their golden showers.

Come here a minute June 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

An investigation revealed the cause to be the gigantic pissing contest that is the US Congress.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

"There's another old saying, Senator: Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining. "

weejee June 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

No problem, simply roll a non-soggy newspaper and use the Senator's coat pocket, like fans do standing in the queue at a NFL games.

SudsMcKenzie June 4, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Let them eat urinal cake.

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Tee-Hee

"Poop"

weejee June 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Really Jim, it it news that the House reporters are a little pissy? It a bit like saying the Mariners play baseball. Well perhaps I should change that metaphor, but you get how this runs.

Nostrildamus June 4, 2012 at 6:47 pm

"Runs" and "Mariners" do not belong in the same paragraph.

owhatever June 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

It was another War on Men attack. Stock up on some bidet-busters, guys!

AlaskaGrrl June 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"…a section of the gallery carpeting was taken up – leaving behind a sticky floor."

I don't even want to know.

Boojum June 4, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Larry Craig Libel!!

Mumbletypeg June 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I liked the tale of the malfunctioning toilet at GSA better. It helped me finally understand the meaning of the word "assploded."

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And now we know why David Vitter wears diapers.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm

"Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode."
"You're talking about Congress, sir."
"Of course I'm talking about Congress, you TWERP!"

imissopus June 4, 2012 at 4:03 pm

COINCIDENTALLY BILL AYERS WAS JUST SPOTTED HURRYING TO CATCH A FLIGHT AT DULLES!!!!111!!!!!

sullivanst June 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Meh. Shrapnel wounds or GTFO.

DaRooster June 4, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"…because the House is out of session until Tuesday."

They should have been at fucking work… loafers.

niblick77 June 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Urinal cakes? I will not be fooled by that name again.

YasserArraFeck June 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Trickle down journalism

johnnymeatworth June 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Odds on when they start selling "I HAD A BLAST AT THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES' URINAL!" t-shirts?

OldWhiteLies June 4, 2012 at 4:21 pm

OH, SERIOUSLY?!?

Exploding urinals couldn't have waited until the House was back in session? REALLY? Damn randomness of it all.

randcoolcatdaddy June 4, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Do the urinals look like this by any chance?
http://www.japanprobe.com/2012/03/21/chinese-hote

themcwow June 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I'm so glad for the writings of Jim Newell, esp when I need a good laugh.

smokefilledroommate June 4, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Not to mention his random comedic alt-text stylings–the cherry on top. Alt Text on All Pics!! Your readers (or this reader) demand(s) it!

WeHaveIssues June 4, 2012 at 4:32 pm

And the Senate smirks. Dry and piss-free. Dirty, dirty, dirty little congresspeople.

iburl June 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Water is not "Sticky".

Things that are sticky:
Cum
Syrup
Syzurp
ground up rent boys
jarred fetii

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Finally! Some good news!

fuflans June 4, 2012 at 5:51 pm

if rahm and ari collaborated on donnie darko project.

rickmaci June 4, 2012 at 6:27 pm

The work of avenging Ghost Breitbart ??

Designer_Radio June 4, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I sometimes text pics of my more remarkable deuces to friends. Maybe I should add jim@wonkette to my send list?

Clankie June 4, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Move along folks, there's nothing metaphorical to see here.

smokefilledroommate June 4, 2012 at 7:47 pm

It's urinal news from the National Urinal !

ttommyunger June 4, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Urinals? Must be for show; I know all those twats squat to pee.

horsedreamer_1 June 4, 2012 at 9:05 pm

So, in addition to Bob Dylan, R. Kelly was in DC?

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