900 billion drudge sirens

House Urinal Explodes: All House Reporters Soaked In Piss, Hopefully

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This is where Rahm Emanuel fingered Eric MassaWhere were you on 6/4/12? This is the day that America got its groove back, after the world’s worst people — reporters — in the world’s worst institution — the House of Representatives — saw a urinal explode and soak them in pee and chewing tobacco pouches and mostly 100% water, more likely, but also perhaps that morning turd that some schlub keeps poppin’ in the urinal. They say you learn a lot about yourself after losing your first fight. Well, you learn a lot more after having that first urinal explode and hurl acid all over you. America’s back, baby. Exploding Urinal/Santelli ’16?

Tell us how it went down, National Journal?

A big splash occurred on Monday morning at the House Press Gallery in the U.S. Capitol.

No, this wasn’t one of those unexpected guest appearances for celebrities to talk to reporters about some favorite cause.

Oh god ENOUGH WITH YOUR CUTESY LEDES; what’s up with the exploding piss box?

This splash came from an exploding urinal. More specifically, something suddenly broke in the piping of the third-floor urinal, and water began spewing from beneath the men’s room door.

As the water flowed, it first surrounded the Associated Press’s working area, then spread toward both ends of the gallery, which was occupied by fewer than usual reporters and staffers, because the House is out of session until Tuesday.

Capitol Police officers, gallery staff, and other U.S. Capitol personnel moved to contain the flow. In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.

Employees from the Architect of the Capitol and other Capitol staffers managed to eventually stop the geyser. In came vacuums to suck up the water, and a section of the gallery carpeting was taken up – leaving behind a sticky floor.

REPORTERS/HILL STAFFERS: Can you tell us more? Which House reporter got covered in the most “water”? “Water” in scare quotes because maybe the “water” was “brown”? Email jim@wonkette.com with your hot urinal massacre stories/pix/sealed evidence please, thank you.

[National Journal]

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • bumfug

    It was plugged up with Santorum.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      MEMO

      TO: Rick Santorum

      FROM: Actor212

      It's "chicken". You're supposed to keep fucking that chicken!

  • nounverb911

    Who flushed the Cherry bomb down the toilet?

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Rick Perry?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      The Runaways?

      • FraAnima

        Hello Dad! Hello Mom!
        I'm your Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch
        CHERRY BOMB!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I have such a crush on Jackie Fox…

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Can't stay at home
          can't stay at school..

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Those crazy guys from the Delta House?

      • WunkRocker

        Larry Craig.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham.

      Last seen running down the hall giggling "that'll show those APeers who's a pansy."

    • themcwow

      Shirley Temple.

    • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      What can I say? I'm a fan of the classics.

  • OkieDokieDog

    How many times do they have to tell Chuck Todd not to put his used tampons in the damn urinals? Geesh.

  • hagajim

    That's what happens when the shit is waist deep in Congress. Maybe the legislative Gods were trying to flush the assholes out of the Capitol.

    • Beowoof

      That would take a flood of Noah proportions.

  • nounverb911

    "gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, "
    People still read newspapers?

    • Generation[redacted]

      All of 'em, Katie!

      (finally, an appropriate question for that answer)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, "
      People still read newspapers?

      No, they unread them, obvs.

    • Callyson

      Now we know why the Washington Times has any subscribers, at all, anywhere.

  • JudasPeckerwood

    Couldn't have happened to a nicer group of stenographers.

  • Extemporanus

    YELLOW JOURNALISM!

    • nounverb911

      Murdoch must be recruiting.

    • Studebaker Hawk

      Kudos to the muckrakers who battled this cesspool of corruption.

      • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

        This is worthy of its own entry, Stude!

      • real_dc_native

        Off topic – your handle brought a tear to my eye. My first two cars were Studebaker Larks. They were out of production by then but those cars could take a beating.

    • bumfug

      A lot of comments make me laugh but it's the great ones like this that make me go "Fuck! I wish I'd thought of that!"

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i think you get comment of the day.

  • gullywompr

    Pfft, everybody knows those AP guys put that cherry bomb there themselves, just so they would have something to report on while the House was out of session. It's only fitting that their own words were used to mop it up.

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    They still do muckraking, clearly.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Remember, remember, the Fourth of Junetember…

  • Robman2

    And…wait for it…what can Brown do for you?

  • nonbeliever7

    Was it the Democratic or whites-only bathroom?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    I expect the House GOP to come out firmly against Big Government spending to replace the infrastrcuture of this urinal. stay true, shitstains.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As much fun as the idea of everyone there getting soaked in pee-pee and poop is, if the fluid in the pipe that burst was under pressure as indicated, then it's in the flushing (supply) side rather than the drain side and therefore not yet contaminated with yucky bits. Make what snark you will about the supply side thing…

    • MissTaken

      Trickle Down Economics finally worked!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Close down this mommyblog. We cannot possibly top this.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Assuming there wasn't a cherry bomb or M-80 flushed, you mean. That could have built a pressure wave that backwashed.

  • CapeClod

    See? Print journalism is good for something. Try soaking up all that water with the internet.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dammit!

      *tearing up patent application for iSponge*

  • prommie

    President's daily briefing yesterday "Terrorists determined to strike in Mens Room."

  • widestanceromance

    And just try to soak up old Congressional urine with a blog or a tweet–long live print!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Trickle down, bitches!!11

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I blame Satan. And super absorbant Depends. Satan keeps flushing the Depends.

    • Buckminster

      I blame all those liquor bottles Denny Rehberg-R, MT, has been stowing in the supply tank. Let's hope voters send him home–or to a home.

    • Negropolis

      I blame Obama. Apparently, you can never go wrong with blaming the blah president. Jews get a break just this once.

  • Estproph

    Which Member of Congress pisses chewing tobacco?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      All…

    • Rotundo_

      I would have guessed Boehner myself, the guy smokes and drinks to the point where he probably excretes something like pureed chaw when he takes a leak.

    • Negropolis

      Boehner.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What? But its months till my birthday!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    In doing so, they found a use, finally, for the gallery’s stacks of unread newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals, as makeshift sponges and sandbags.

    Including, oddly, every piece of legislation proposed by progressives over the past five years…

    • nounverb911

      But was the flood really "Sponge worthy"?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Depends

        • OldWhiteLies

          Well done, Sir. Impeccable timing!

          (I have to quit eating and snarking at the same time. Please excuse me while I clean up some errant bits of triscuit spewed mid LOL … )

  • Goonemeritus

    A giant spreading puddle of urine in our nation’s capital isn’t just symbolism it’s conclusive proof of an angry and somewhat juvenile deity.

    • Buckminster

      Who said God can't have a good sense of humor? Anyone? Class? Buehler?

  • barto

    Sounds like the work of Joe the Plumber.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He certainly knows how to fix Washington.

    • real_dc_native

      or Nixon's plumbers and their dirty tricks.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I just want to know whose offices are on the second floor, and who's going to smell like the ditch in a Kentucky backwoods shooting gallery for the next few weeks.

    • CthuNHu

      Patrick McHenry (R-NC), natch, but that's not news.

  • BornInATrailer

    The President was reading "My Incontinent Pet Goat" to a group of school children when this happened.

  • SexySmurf

    The House of Representatives has a bathroom? I thought members of Congress just pissed directly onto the American people.

    • BarackMyWorld

      this iz win.

  • BarackMyWorld

    This literally happened and is in no way a metaphor for how Congress treats the rest of us.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Not a thing should be read into this highly ironic and poetic event, no sir!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "[T]he third-floor urinal." They only need one, because usually Congress just goes around cold pissing on everybody.

  • pinkocommi

    Finally the Washington Press Corps get pissed off about something appropriate.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Don't laugh — this is the biggest splash John Boehner's made since he became speaker.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Champagne showers for everyone!

  • widestanceromance

    Suddenly, all those flushed fetuses gestating in the drains have had enough of Obamacare.

  • MissTaken

    And to think the GOP Congressmen usually have to pay for their golden showers.

  • Come here a minute

    An investigation revealed the cause to be the gigantic pissing contest that is the US Congress.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "There's another old saying, Senator: Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining. "

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      No problem, simply roll a non-soggy newspaper and use the Senator's coat pocket, like fans do standing in the queue at a NFL games.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Let them eat urinal cake.

  • Baconzgood

    Tee-Hee

    "Poop"

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Really Jim, it it news that the House reporters are a little pissy? It a bit like saying the Mariners play baseball. Well perhaps I should change that metaphor, but you get how this runs.

    • Nostrildamus

      "Runs" and "Mariners" do not belong in the same paragraph.

  • owhatever

    It was another War on Men attack. Stock up on some bidet-busters, guys!

  • AlaskaGrrl

    "…a section of the gallery carpeting was taken up – leaving behind a sticky floor."

    I don't even want to know.

    • Boojum

      Larry Craig Libel!!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I liked the tale of the malfunctioning toilet at GSA better. It helped me finally understand the meaning of the word "assploded."

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And now we know why David Vitter wears diapers.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode."
    "You're talking about Congress, sir."
    "Of course I'm talking about Congress, you TWERP!"

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    COINCIDENTALLY BILL AYERS WAS JUST SPOTTED HURRYING TO CATCH A FLIGHT AT DULLES!!!!111!!!!!

  • sullivanst

    Meh. Shrapnel wounds or GTFO.

  • DaRooster

    "…because the House is out of session until Tuesday."

    They should have been at fucking work… loafers.

  • niblick77

    Urinal cakes? I will not be fooled by that name again.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Trickle down journalism

  • johnnymeatworth

    Odds on when they start selling "I HAD A BLAST AT THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES' URINAL!" t-shirts?

  • OldWhiteLies

    OH, SERIOUSLY?!?

    Exploding urinals couldn't have waited until the House was back in session? REALLY? Damn randomness of it all.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Do the urinals look like this by any chance?
    http://www.japanprobe.com/2012/03/21/chinese-hote

  • themcwow

    I'm so glad for the writings of Jim Newell, esp when I need a good laugh.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Not to mention his random comedic alt-text stylings–the cherry on top. Alt Text on All Pics!! Your readers (or this reader) demand(s) it!

  • WeHaveIssues

    And the Senate smirks. Dry and piss-free. Dirty, dirty, dirty little congresspeople.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Water is not "Sticky".

    Things that are sticky:
    Cum
    Syrup
    Syzurp
    ground up rent boys
    jarred fetii

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Finally! Some good news!

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    if rahm and ari collaborated on donnie darko project.

  • rickmaci

    The work of avenging Ghost Breitbart ??

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    I sometimes text pics of my more remarkable deuces to friends. Maybe I should add jim@wonkette to my send list?

  • http://raresteaksandoilpainting.wordpress.com Clankie

    Move along folks, there's nothing metaphorical to see here.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    It's urinal news from the National Urinal !

  • ttommyunger

    Urinals? Must be for show; I know all those twats squat to pee.

  • horsedreamer_1

    So, in addition to Bob Dylan, R. Kelly was in DC?