douches of liberty

Your Monday Wisconsin Recall Round-Up: Bambi’s Mom Wants You To Vote Scott Walker

Chuck Norris, joke.Oh, whoops, did Your Wonkette just get itself “targeted” by DHS? Well, IT IS WORTH IT, to bring you these important stories from the nation’s cheese factory, the late great state of Wisconsin. First up! Chuck Norris sees your Bill Clinton, raises you a Chuck Norris!

Wisconsin Democrats, Washington elite and insiders, and liberal special interests have joined together to fight for the recall of Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin in Tuesday’s election. But last Friday, when I saw them also send in the big guns, former President Bill Clinton himself, against Gov. Walker, I knew I had to enter the ring, too.

But will he fight Bill Clinton with mixed martial arts, or with the power of his self-regard?

Next! Wonkette’s dearest and most illiterate friends at Americaphile have some dumb video they would like you to see. (Probably don’t bother clicking through, as we have embedded all their ALL CAPS ALL BOLD for you, below.

THIS MINISTRY IS HAPPY AND PROUD TO ENDORSE GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER IN THIS VICIOUS AND TREASONOUS RECALL ELECTION INSTIGATED BY UNIONS, WHO ARE NOTHING MORE THAN AGENTS OF PIAPS!!!!!

PRO-AMERICANS IN WISCONSIN MUST RETAIN THEIR PRESENT GOVERNOR WHO HAS DONE SO MUCH TO FIGHT COMMUNISM AND THUGGERY!!!!!!

THANK YOU, GOVERNOR WALKER, FOR LOVING AMERICA!!!!!!

So that is a thing that exists.

Third up! According to David Schuster, Scott Walker is going to prison forever and ever, maybe, someday (but not within the two months preceding an election, because then an indictment would look “politically motivated”).

Despite copious reporting, especially in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, about the Milwaukee County district attorney’s probe of alleged violations when Walker was county executive — including a secret email network maintained by his staff for the purpose of conducting illegal campaign activity on county time, the theft of funds intended for the widows and orphans of Iraq War veterans, and possible favorable treatment of campaign donors seeking public contracts, not much has been written about the FBI probe.

Finally, hug a deer, vote Scott Walker. As previously reported, Walker’s newly appointed deer czar would like to turn Wisconsin’s public land management over to private hands, because it is a fiscally conservative thing that Republicans love, selling off public amenities to the lowest bidder.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Didn't Bambi's mom get shot by Sarah Palin in the movie?

    • noodlesalad

      Bambi's Mom Shot First!

      /Nugent'd

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      IF Bambi's mom didn't want to be shot, she should have armed herself.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Silly boy, you don't arm deer, it's bear arms!!

        • noodlesalad

          When hunting deer is illegal, only illegal deer will hunt.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Damn Messican deer…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That deer don't hunt, noodle.

        • tessiee

          I thought it was "bare arms", and that's why they wear those nasty tank tops.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Sarah was just standin' her ground, doncha know.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        How does one stand one's ground in a helicopter?

        Unless you are Chris Christie, in which case I'm pretty sure the helicopter never gets off the ground.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Bambi's dad got a cheap feel under the stands on the football field, tho.

  • chascates

    THANK YOU CHUCK NORRIS FOR BEING BAT-SHIT CRAZY!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "including a secret email network maintained by his staff for the purpose of conducting illegal campaign activity on county time, the theft of funds intended for the widows and orphans of Iraq War veterans, and possible favorable treatment of campaign donors seeking public contracts,"

    And all this when he was just county executive. Imagine what he's been up to since ascending to the governor's mansion.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Walker probably maintains a secret cheese farm, where the widows and orphans are put to work tugging udders and processing milk.

      Then they work with the cows.

  • edgydrifter

    Chuck Norris is so dumb he probably figures this recall is about somebody trying to remake Walker, Texas Ranger without him.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    PRO-AMERICANS IN WISCONSIN MUST RETAIN THEIR PRESENT GOVERNOR WHO HAS DONE SO MUCH TO FIGHT COMMUNISM AND THUGGERY!!!!!!

    Commies and Thugs? Come on, everyone knows now days our enemies are Muslims and Mexicans. How out of date are these people?

    • dos_centavos

      Muslims, Mexicans and Gays. Dont forget teh gheys!

  • finallyhappy

    Damn unions- my ancestors worked 15 hour days in dangerous sweatshops with no breaks. Now you people think you deserve time to eat and pee and want safe machinery to work with AND minimum wage??? Pussies

    • Tundra Grifter

      Good point! The women at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory should have made themselves some parachutes.

    • tessiee

      Blah blah if we can't pay them 2 cents a day and beat them with sticks, we might as well close up our doors and go out of business etc. etc. …

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    even Walker's deer supporters are mouthbreathing WASPs

  • pinkocommi

    Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups. He pushes the Earth down.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
      He does that A LOT!

    • YasserArraFeck

      Chuck Norris – the only guy who can slam a revolving door.

      • Negropolis

        ROTFLMAO!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Chuck Norris doesn't call wrong numbers: you answered the wrong phone.

    • JustPixelz

      Chuck Norris types faster than his thoughts can reach his fingertips. (Otherwise his crap would be really stupid.)

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I don't have a bit of food poisoning…Chuck Norris makes me sick.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Chuck Norris doesn't flush toilets. Chuck Norris scares the crap out of them.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

    • tessiee

      Chuck Norris can bench-press Chris Christie.

      • George Skullfry

        Okay, now you're stretching credulity a little too far.

    • Negropolis

      Chuck Norris doesn't run for president; the presidency runs to him.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, the Wisconsin connection for Chuck Norris is, he was in a lot of cheesy movies.

  • Callyson

    What the fuck is a piaps?

    Oh Christ, why am I not surprised…

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pi

    Assholes.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      *facepalm*

      So sad to live in a world with Republicans in it.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Thank you, I thought I was the only one.
      I was afraid they had misspelled priaps.

      • Guppy

        Yeah, I can't see the word without thinking of oversized phalluses.

    • noodlesalad

      Just when you think the dumb can't get any dumberer.

    • TootsStansbury

      Oh ground, dried and pressed Jesus cookies as a sundae topping; I'm sorry I asked down thread. That's not even clever!

    • SorosBot

      Their douchebaggery is quite amazing; fuck them.

    • tessiee

      *checks dictionary link*
      *pinches bridge of nose in exasperated disgust*
      Oh, for the love of shit.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      UNIONS, WHO ARE NOTHING MORE THAN AGENTS OF PIAPS!!!!!

      yeah but wtf does the rest of that mean? hillz has agents and unions?

      i don't think 'secretary of state' means what they think it does.

    • GhostBuggy

      Today, we are all piaps.

      • Exhausted66

        And remember, War on Women: FAKE.

    • tessiee

      Also, really? Making fun of Hillary Clinton?
      Why don't they do something equally up-to-the-minute, like saying "she is the weakest link", or demanding that she be "voted off the island"?

    • Abernathy

      Considering their support for English-only driving tests as a protective measure against the pope, I'm guessing they mean something to do with papists or popery. As usual, can't tell if this is a neologism known only to like-"minded" or just plain old illiteracy.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Chuck Norris, Ted Nugent, Donald Trump. Republicans appear to have the Holy Trinity of Dumbfuck on their side.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      CHRISTINE O'DONNEL LIBEL!

      OK, well, she's a chick and a witch, so doesn't really fit into a holy trinity, but still…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Shekinah.

    • JustPixelz

      Michele Bachmann also. But who says a holy trinity is just three. Elites, that's who. With their numbers and words and words that mean numbers. Fuck 'em.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Chuck Noriss – Father
      The Donald – Son
      Ted Nugent – Dumb fuck in a white sheet.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Truly the deep thinkers you want running this country.

    • SenileAgitation

      Hmm, conservative = preserving old timey has been ideas, ideas supported by old timey has been minor "celebrities", it has a symmetry! Truly the Party of Old Grampies. Grumpy Old Pissgums.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Probe Scott Walker. Probe him good.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I got my handy dandy probe and my full-arm gloves right here.

      • tessiee

        CAVITY SEARCH!!

    • FNMA

      Transvaginal?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The hard part for Democrats is the old prophecy that Walker shall remain governor as long as palm trees line the streets of Madison.

    Which brings up the interesting question: Can Barrett win if FOX News refuses to report it?

    • Guppy

      Can't they just take a cue from Macduff?

  • TootsStansbury

    What is PIAP? is the like Fap but with one's butthole?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      As someone else posted up further, Pig in a pantsuit (e.g. Hillary Clinton, Liddy Dole, Ann Romney)

  • noodlesalad

    Chuck Norris, the poor, too-young-to-buy-beer, dumb man's version of the Dos Equis guy.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "The most inanimate man in the world."

      • chicken_thief

        Chuck is T-Paw?! ZZzzzzzzzzzzz…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      When Chuck Norris sucks down Dos Equis, both horses remain satisfied for weeks.

  • SayItWithWookies

    While the fight for conservatives doesn’t start and stop in Wisconsin, it’s an OK Corral of sorts for Democrats and liberals. When their groundless recall of Gov. Walker is shot down, a potent statement will be sent across our land about the type of government We the People want.

    Oddly enough, these are not the two stupidest sentences I've read all day. But that's only because in this article about bath salts (the legal psychosis-inducing concoction, not the salts one puts in one's bath), someone described the drugs as "PCP on crack." I don't think Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris and Virginia Foxx together could come up with something that stupid.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Not what the people of Wisconsin want, but the people of various other places.

    • Generation[redacted]

      "Bath salts" are not the salts you put in your bath? I've been snorting the wrong stuff ever since that story came out!

      • FNMA

        I've been mainlining Mr. Bubble for weeks now and nothing.

    • tessiee

      I just found out yesterday that "bath salts" has a double meaning. I was just as happy not knowing this.

  • Estproph

    "THIS MINISTRY IS HAPPY AND PROUD TO ENDORSE GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER IN THIS VICIOUS AND TREASONOUS RECALL ELECTION INSTIGATED BY UNIONS, WHO ARE NOTHING MORE THAN AGENTS OF PIAPS!!!!!

    PRO-AMERICANS IN WISCONSIN MUST RETAIN THEIR PRESENT GOVERNOR WHO HAS DONE SO MUCH TO FIGHT COMMUNISM AND THUGGERY!!!!!!"

    Apparently Sarah Palin can see New Jersey from her house.

  • noodlesalad

    The best movie Chuck Norris was in, he got his ass handed to him (along with his chest hair) by Bruce Lee, which also featured Chuck on the receiving end of the most devastating crotch stomp in cinematic history (it was fatal). Why everyone thinks Norris is such a bad ass is beyond me.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Because of those "Chuck Norris Facts". Which funnily enough, when the guy that started those tried to make a book of them, Chuck Norris promptly sued him. Those "facts" have made people (including Chuck Norris) forget his actual career, like the Total Gym, Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos and the movie "Sidekicks"

      • noodlesalad

        I didn't know that about the lawsuit, but it's very unsurprising. Would be nice to see some sort of counter-meme develop that reminds people of the real Chuck Norris.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Cuz Bruce Lee is dead.

      It suddenly occurs to me what sport we might have with ol' Chuck if he wasn't and he came out in support of the recall.

  • Estproph

    And, are they really concerned about agents of Public Internet Access Points? Kinda paranoid…

  • chicken_thief

    Chuck, Boehner called and said he wants his fucking orange spray on tan shit back.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Chuck Norris wouldn't suck on Clinton's cigar. He'd swallow it.

    • Guppy

      That'd keep the stain off his blue dress.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I don't vote until I know where Mr. T stands an the issue.

    • edgydrifter

      Mr. T stands on every issue.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Indeed.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          And pities the fool who disagrees with him

  • SorosBot

    "the theft of funds intended for the widows and orphans "

    Did he tie a beautiful woman to the railroad tracks too? Stealing from widows and orphans – if Scott Walker was a villain in a movie he'd seem to cliched to be realistic. He needs to grow a mustache to start twirling.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He twirls his short hairs

    • boobookitteh

      Mooching war widows.

    • tessiee

      If he grew a mustache, it would come in all crooked, thus making the rest of his head look relatively more normal.

  • Goonemeritus

    Anti-intellectualism seemed cooler when the Sex Pistols were singing about it.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Here's my antidote to Chuck Norris Jokes:

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. Cos he has a small pee-pee.

    Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”. Cos he has a small pee-pee.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Also: small pee-pee.

    The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack. (his pee-pee is too small to provide adequate housing)

    • chicken_thief

      That's no beard – it's a pillow for other men's nut sacks.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I am not entirely sure why, but the word "pee-pee" is bringing me inordinate amounts of joy today. Thank you.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Every wingnut knows the DNC is afraid of Chuck Norris. Of course, the DNC is afraid everything. Walker is going to win, the Tea Baggers will be giddy with excitement, liberals will be despondent and somehow, all of that is supposed to good for the President and the DNC? We're ruled by some evil motherfuckers on both sides of the aisle.

  • chicken_thief

    "…UNIONS, WHO ARE NOTHING MORE THAN AGENTS OF PIAPS!"

    I thought the Clintons just killed everyone and Obama was the Pied Piper hoodwinking all the kool-aid drinkers. No?!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Who is Steven Seagal backing in this recall?

    • tessiee

      Breitbart, because the four thousand buck picture of him makes Steven Seagal look buffed and handsome by comparison.

  • Estproph

    In all seriousness, does anyone else see a coming RWNJ shooting spree coming?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Yes…when Barry is re-elected. You think 2009 was bad. Folks really gonna lose their shit then.

      • Generation[redacted]

        In 2009 they spent all their money on ammunition. In 2013 they'll have no money, only ammunition.

      • Estproph

        I really think that what they are doing is ramping up the paranoid outrage, intentionally or not. That always ends at the same place.

        Your cheerful thought for the day…

      • tessiee

        It's at least crossed my mind that the Secret Service is aware of, and preparing for, such an eventuality. Given all the threats that asstards like ted nugent et. al. openly make against President Obama, I'm surprised he doesn't go everywhere in a damn Sherman Tank.

    • glamourdammerung

      In all seriousness, does anyone else see a coming RWNJ shooting spree coming?

      Another one?!?!

      • Estproph

        Yeah, another one. Only, soon.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Man. Everytime I think these fuckers have gotten as SPLAAA! as anybody can possibly get, they find a new, exciting way to seize my attention by leaping up and down and screaming "YAAA! KRAY-ZEEE!" at the top of their lungs with their pants over their heads.

    Deer for Governor Walker. What the fuck next.

    • tessiee

      "Deer for Governor Walker. What the fuck next. "

      I suppose they couldn't find any people in favor of little Scottie Cross-Eyes.

  • JustPixelz

    "THIS MINISTRY IS HAPPY AND PROUD TO ENDORSE GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER IN THIS VICIOUS AND TREASONOUS RECALL ELECTION…."

    Speaking of TREASON:
    "Congress shall make no law [abridging] the right of the people … to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

    • Guppy

      Wrong constitution. STAETS RITES!!!111!!!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Woah, woah, woah, there. Those are some PRETTY big words comin' out of that there purty mouth, boy. Not sure I's understandin' them all.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I thought he said "Priaps". Still, he's a stupid prick.

  • tessiee

    Well, obviously, Virginia is the vagina, because of it's name, and plus because of the vaginal probes which are totally not medical rape also too; so that would make the bu'hole either Miss'sippi or Texas.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    THIS MINISTRY IS HAPPY AND PROUD

    ministry of fuckwits.

  • tessiee

    "When their groundless recall of Gov. Walker is shot down, a potent statement will be sent across our land about the type of government We the People want."

    A groundless recall of former California Gov. Gray Davis?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Who ended up being SO much better than that worthless schlump, Schwartzie, that fecking testicle with legs.

      • tessiee

        a) All due respect, The Gropeinator is not a testicle. Danny DeVito and Bob Hoskins are testicles.
        b) California has enough financial problems that even somebody qualified for the job (hint: not Ahnuld) would have trouble governing; my point is that when the results of an election don't go their way, they're the first ones to start hooting and squealing for a recall. Hell, they started trying to impeach Bill Clinton on what, his third day in office?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Hey, girl. Ya got me. OK, why is Danny DeVito a testicle but the gropeinator isn't?

          There's no denying that CA can be the shits, but in Gray Davis' case, as you probably already know, there was a long, well-orchestrated, well-planned campaign to get rid of old "nickel-and-dime" Gray and replace him with "Give the State away to the Riches" Arnie. And it was planned to have him step up to the WH from the Goobenator position, and it would've been FINE, EXCEPT FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!!

          • tessiee

            "why is Danny DeVito a testicle but the gropeinator isn't?"

            One need only google images of Danny DeVito and Bob Hoskins to ascertain that they are testicles. [no idea why I wrote that in the style of a wealthy dowager]

            "there was a long, well-orchestrated, well-planned campaign to get rid of old "nickel-and-dime" Gray and replace him with "Give the State away to the Riches" Arnie"

            They like recalls and impeachments when it means overturning a legitimate election result that didn't go in favor of the guy they wanted. When their guy actually does something wrong, not so much.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Truly.

            Of course, they all hate Arnie now because he doesn't hate teh gheyz as much as he does, but whatevah.

  • owhatever

    Chuck, stop already. You're too damned old.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Seriously, that old bitch is in his 70s.

  • tessiee

    Why does Chuck Norris have that sissy layered shag hairdo, instead of something MANLY like a shaved head or a Marine buzz cut? Does he get his hair done at gunpoint by Miz Velma from Kentucky?

  • ttommyunger

    Can't get laid, can't see over the steering wheel, can't think too good; but I can haz gunz.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Why did Chuck Norris purchase a shirt with buttons but no buttonholes?

  • Tundra Grifter

    "the theft of funds intended for Iraq War widows and orphans "

    So that's a bad thing now?

    • Sassomatic

      Hey, money is money. Who doesn't like money?

  • metamarcisf

    I have to agree with Rick Santorum on one thing: science is overrated. Like you know how scientists are always telling us how smart dolphins are? Last week scientists observed one rearranging pebbles on the ocean floor. It turned out to be a fan letter to Chuck Norris.

  • Sassomatic

    Man, I'm glad that guys like Scott Walker have come to rescue America and take us back to the glory days before labor unions, so that I can die ten years ago in a garment factory fire.

  • TheMeatmaker

    In case of piapism, call your doctor.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus
  • calliecallie

    Fucking Chuck Norris.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    "… the theft of funds intended for the widows and orphans of Iraq War veterans…"

    The recall has become an episode of "Bonanza."

  • Hoisted_Peatard

    Steals money from orphans and war widows, Kochsucks and is completely and utterly bereft of ethics and morals? Also, uses an endless array of ALEC "model" policies disguised as "fixes". Methinks we've just found our next conservative superstar/emperor for life! Seriously the only thing missing is cannabalism and a secret harem of orphaned children chained in his basement for Ratface McDouchecanoe to be the greatest principled conservative example just, ever.

  • Hoisted_Peatard

    The Wisconsin GOP is just on fire lately with this asshole, Paul Ryan and Reeetccchhhh. They also have that collection of uberdouches in the Senate. I have to tell ya'll…Wisconsin is fast becomming the central nexus of deranged Truh-igites outside of Alaska.

    • glamourdammerung

      I remember the "good old days" when Wisconsin was mostly known for its killer cannibals.

      • Hoisted_Peatard

        Yes those were glorious times and then like the socialists and communists peopling Oklahoma and Kansas theyse all got 'say-ved' by an enterprising (now Rolls Royce driving, natch…all fer Jesus!) preacher and became Republicans. The good news is they still eat people, the bad news is one of their unholy hellspawn become rat-faced smug little prick Scott Walker. The final upside is at least they'll eat each other…and Kleefish is the perfect insane wingnut chick for the main course.

  • lulzmonger

    PIAPS-SMEAR LIBEL!

    Looks like "Weasels For Walker" didn't score well in the focus-group.

  • glamourdammerung

    Chuckles, you are 72 years old. The only ring you are entering is the feeding trough at the Golden Corral.

  • Hoisted_Peatard

    I miss the days of yore…the 'salad days' to quote Racistyshire when Chuck Norris spent entire films getting kicked in the face by Bruce Lee. I mean by the time I was even born Bruce Lee was long dead but I did see it happen on film years later but now that he's Chuck Wingnuttis I think revisting those classic scenes of asswhippery might be cathartic…if only to hope one of those kicks knocked something loose upstairs..