today in wingnut welfare

Herman Cain to Replace Other Annoying Guy on the Radio Forever

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Great news: Herman Cain has been elected president! Is that the news? Of course not. But his presidential campaign has been 100% successful according to the metric by which he chose to run in the first place. He’s landed a big old wingnut radio show to debut in 2013, on the famous Day One of the Romney administration. He had a radio show before, but that was small market yokel fluff. This is a nationally syndicated show. He will replace Neal Boortz, the FairTax Hero who is retiring because he is one million years old.

Could the last 12 months have gone any better for Herman Cain? He got to be the frontrunner in a presidential primary process for several weeks — let us never forget that that happened — and then got to quit once it was revealed that he (allegedly) squeezed every boob on the Eastern seaboard for decades, boosting his “macho cred.” Then he made some A+ videos with little girls killing bunnies while he watched, like Sauron, from the mountain. And now he’ll be even richer than fuck, hooray:

Herman Cain, the one-time Republican presidential candidate, will begin hosting a nationally syndicated radio talk show in January, his syndication company said Monday.

Mr. Cain’s talk show will be offered to stations in place of “The Neal Boortz Show,” which will end at the same time. Mr. Boortz said Monday that he was retiring from his show, which has been broadcast in one form or another for 42 years.

Mr. Cain’s show, which as yet has no title, is a natural segue for him. He had hosted a similar show for WSB, a station in Atlanta, before running for president last year and briefly becoming the Republican primary front-runner. While on the campaign trail, Mr. Cain, who conducted a book tour at the same time, repeatedly had to dispel speculation that he was running for president merely to “get a TV show or a book deal.”

“I’ve got books already,” he said at one campaign stop in October. “I don’t want a TV show. I want to help save this nation from the direction it’s going.”

He’ll have a teevee show soon, also. What wingnut welfare recipient worth his salt gets a radio show but not a weekend hour on Fox News? There’s plenty more capital to destroy where this came from.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • MissTaken

    “I’ve got books already,” he said at one campaign stop in October. “I don’t want a TV show. I want to help save this nation from the direction it’s going.”

    Herman will save this nation from the scourge of good-tasting pizza.

    • SorosBot

      He can team up with the CEO's of Domino's and Papa John's for the shitty pizza squad!

      • Come here a minute

        Get a room! (just a preemptive strike)

        • SorosBot

          Oh we will be soon.

          • starfanglednut


            I like to think I mad the first get a room comment, and started the Sorosbot and Misstaken meme.

          • SorosBot

            More than that; being told to get a room lead to us deciding to really meet up and get together in real life.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope he plays some good old blues records.

    • SmutBoffin

      I hope he sings the pikachu song or whatever.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Let's be honest, he knew he'd never be president. This is just what he wanted.

    • noodlesalad

      I'm pretty sure whatever shiny object you hold up in front of Herman Cain is what he's always wanted.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Boobs. Also.

        • FNMA

          Shiny boobs?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      He wanted to be a laughing stock that only Sean Hannity takes seriously?

  • edgydrifter

    Herman Cain desperately wants to save the nation from the direction it's going, that being the direction of not having a Herman Cain radio show.

    • Hoisted_Peatard

      also the direction of Herman Cain having less revenue to finance his various sexual harrasment suit settlements. A man's gotta have priorities, you understand

  • freakishlywrong

    Aaaahhh well fuckyfuckyducky or whatever this asshole garbles when he can't answer a question.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm pretty sure that Mr. Cain's new show will last only 9 months, because only about 9 people will listen for at the most 9 minutes before tuning out.

    • Schmannnity

      Coincidentally, the gestation period for his show assistant's lovechild

      • Pithaughn

        Now we are going to find out how "moisture" resistant an HTC smartphone is.
        I just guffawed my beverage while reading your reply!

  • fartknocker

    Listen to Herm on AM radio 999. I'm sure the guests calling in will have the intellectual capacity of Mema.

  • Gratuitous World

    His first choice was to replace Delilah, but this is a good backup.
    99.9 FM, eh, right?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    For most of us, this is an opportunity for new satire…, for Mr. Cain, this is an opportunity to find more women to feel up.

  • Baconzgood

    I'd rather listen to Hearts of Space.

    • widestanceromance

      I "echo" your comment.

  • noodlesalad

    Will being the token black guy that conservatives tolerate work over the radio? Tune in next week to find out, same batshit crazy time, same batshit crazy channel!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I wonder which female producer gets to experience Herman's patented invisible-hand-up-the-skirt manouver.

    • anniegetyerfun


  • bureaucrap

    He will be offering guest appearances to young attractive women who "need help with their careers, that's all."

    • SmutBoffin

      The conservative Howard Stern!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        All the offensiveness, none of the humor!!!

  • Baconzgood

    I think our country is now fucked for realz. You have to run for POTUS to get a disk jockey job? Anyone have a road map and tolls to Canada.

    • fuflans

      if you're on the east coast, just turn right and keep going. you'll know you're there when you see that one moose.

      on the west coast, take a left.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if he'll have his own analog to Robin Quivers, and what she'll have to do to get the job.

    • Schmannnity

      I am hoping for Gloria Allred to co-host.

  • widestanceromance

    After all the hot bubbling sewage that was his campaign, I am happy to say I have moved on and lost that loving feeling. Who is this guy (and he better take up the banjo if he wants to get anywhere in this world)?

  • Fairtackle

    Herman Cain stole my bike.

  • Schmannnity

    Working title for the show: So, You Want a Job with Herman Cain. Theme music: Blowin' in the Wind.

  • LetUsBray

    Who pushed his head towards their lap for him to get this job?

  • nounverb911

    I miss Alison Steele, the "Nightbird".

  • SorosBot

    He wants the position on Fox to get the chance to assault all the blonde anchorbots with unwanted gropes.

  • Come here a minute

    Mr. Cain’s show, which as yet has no title.

    I respectfully submit "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan".

    • widestanceromance

      Tackyhackeyflackeycrapistan has far too many syllables for his target audience.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    This is good news for John Mc —– oh wait, nevermind.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I thought Boortz was the sound one made about an hour after eating a Godfather's pizza.

  • SoBeach

    I'm just glad they found a replacement for Boortz. Lord knows this country would just go kerblooey without some loud mouthed libertarian blowhard ranting on the radio for 15 hours a week.

  • SmutBoffin

    This will be a children's radio show, right? No adult would listen to this, right?


    • starfanglednut

      Anybody let's their kid listen to that show, Imma call Social Services.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    On the radio, no one can see you squeeze a boob.

  • Exhausted66

    It is a shame, and a sham, when a representative has to address the people he or she was elected to serve like they are worthy of no more than being talked to like they are capable of only understanding nothing but street corner shuck and jibe.

    • BaldarTFlagass


  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if he'll be shucking and jibing on his program. What a sham and a shame.

    • RedneckMuslin

      The token SOB will tap dance if it'll make whitey happy.

    • starfanglednut

      Nope, only black Democrats shuck and jibe. their blacks are better than our blacks.

      (Coulter reference, not awful racism.)

  • bumfug

    He better watch out for Video. Video kills radio stars.

  • Not_So_Much

    I hope Boortz's wig will stay. Spermin' Herman would look fabulous in that thing.

    Mix in a little Pokemon music and he'll have all the tail he can grab!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Oh, I get it! He's just going to rape women's ears.

    That's an improvement, I guess.

    • starfanglednut


  • johnnymeatworth

    He will Slow Jam the news EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just the once like Barack did….

  • Mumbletypeg

    "I’ve got books already,…
    I don’t want a TV show.
    I want to help save this nation from the direction it’s going.”

    Isn't it an indicator of self-gratification bordering on megalomania that a person, even posing with "the people's" best interests at heart, starts every sentence in quick succession with "I" this and "I" that? Putting-Country-First FAIL.

  • freakishlywrong

    Whom, may I ask, is clamoring for this bewlshit?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "Herman Cain, the one-time Republican presidential candidate, will begin hosting a nationally syndicated radio talk show in January"

    Isn't this pretty much the only reason anyone besides Mitterns actually ran in the GOP primaries.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Well, maybe not Ron Paul or John Huntsman. Their doomed campaigns seemed sincere.

      • starfanglednut

        Then there's whathisname, the openly gay Republican. Poor stupid fuck.

  • Chill_Bill

    To be fair, Herman has a face for radio.

    • TootsStansbury

      Well holy crap looka that. At the same time, too!

      • Chill_Bill

        Libtard minds think alike.

        • TootsStansbury

          Funny thing the upfists are the same too!

  • TootsStansbury

    Well he certainly has the face for the job.

  • RedneckMuslin

    For his show to be successful, he needs to hope that the black guy wins. Conservatives can handle Black vs Black but Black vs White? No way.

  • chascates

    I listened to a bit of Neal Boortz a while back. He said he could always tell if a caller was black because they always wanted to 'axe him a question'.

  • owhatever

    A big, BIG hello to all you sexy ladies in radioland. I'm Herman Cain and I'm waiting for your calls so we can talk about politics and anything else that's on that pretty mind. I want to know what you're wearing or were wearing before you heard my voice. Politics and world events and sticky pizzas, those are my subjects, but you can whisper your most perverted desires in my ear while I slowly lick the microphone. Now a word from our sponsor, Goldline. Stay tuned, sweet thangs. I'll be right back. Hmmmm?

    • anniegetyerfun

      How did you get your hands on his script?!

  • Estproph

    So I guess Cain felt he had become too famous…?

  • Sassomatic

    It's nice to see black people breaking into the long-white-dominated field of spewing destructive lies at morons through their radios.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Queen saw this coming, almost 30 years ago.

    All we hear is radio ga ga
    Radio goo goo, radio ga ga
    All we hear is radio ga ga
    Radio blah blah

  • Callyson

    And the title of this gem will be…Tits or GTFO. Promoted regularly on BillO's show…

  • niblick77

    Will he have his own Robin Quivers?

  • ttommyunger

    Hopefully, Boortz is retiring because of a vicious case of ass-cancer; of course I mean that in the nicest possible way.

    • Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      It's better than eye cancer?

      • ttommyunger

        Both would be OK with me.

  • Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    If one really wants to save America, political books and AM radio is definitely the way to conquer. GO BIG, HERMY!

  • Hoisted_Peatard

    $500 says his first guest on the radio will be David Vitter (R-Pampers) and his first question to David Vitter will be: "do you have the number for that whore who used to change your poopy-poopy-stan-stan diapers?"