TODAY IN WINGNUT WELFARE  1:21 pm June 4, 2012

Herman Cain to Replace Other Annoying Guy on the Radio Forever

by Jim Newell

Great news: Herman Cain has been elected president! Is that the news? Of course not. But his presidential campaign has been 100% successful according to the metric by which he chose to run in the first place. He’s landed a big old wingnut radio show to debut in 2013, on the famous Day One of the Romney administration. He had a radio show before, but that was small market yokel fluff. This is a nationally syndicated show. He will replace Neal Boortz, the FairTax Hero who is retiring because he is one million years old.

Could the last 12 months have gone any better for Herman Cain? He got to be the frontrunner in a presidential primary process for several weeks — let us never forget that that happened — and then got to quit once it was revealed that he (allegedly) squeezed every boob on the Eastern seaboard for decades, boosting his “macho cred.” Then he made some A+ videos with little girls killing bunnies while he watched, like Sauron, from the mountain. And now he’ll be even richer than fuck, hooray:

Herman Cain, the one-time Republican presidential candidate, will begin hosting a nationally syndicated radio talk show in January, his syndication company said Monday.

Mr. Cain’s talk show will be offered to stations in place of “The Neal Boortz Show,” which will end at the same time. Mr. Boortz said Monday that he was retiring from his show, which has been broadcast in one form or another for 42 years.

Mr. Cain’s show, which as yet has no title, is a natural segue for him. He had hosted a similar show for WSB, a station in Atlanta, before running for president last year and briefly becoming the Republican primary front-runner. While on the campaign trail, Mr. Cain, who conducted a book tour at the same time, repeatedly had to dispel speculation that he was running for president merely to “get a TV show or a book deal.”

“I’ve got books already,” he said at one campaign stop in October. “I don’t want a TV show. I want to help save this nation from the direction it’s going.”

He’ll have a teevee show soon, also. What wingnut welfare recipient worth his salt gets a radio show but not a weekend hour on Fox News? There’s plenty more capital to destroy where this came from.

[NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 83 comments }

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 1:25 pm

“I’ve got books already,” he said at one campaign stop in October. “I don’t want a TV show. I want to help save this nation from the direction it’s going.”

Herman will save this nation from the scourge of good-tasting pizza.

SorosBot June 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

He can team up with the CEO's of Domino's and Papa John's for the shitty pizza squad!

Come here a minute June 4, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Get a room! (just a preemptive strike)

SorosBot June 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Oh we will be soon.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Yay!

I like to think I mad the first get a room comment, and started the Sorosbot and Misstaken meme.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I hope he plays some good old blues records.

SmutBoffin June 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I hope he sings the pikachu song or whatever.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Let's be honest, he knew he'd never be president. This is just what he wanted.

noodlesalad June 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I'm pretty sure whatever shiny object you hold up in front of Herman Cain is what he's always wanted.

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Boobs. Also.

FNMA June 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Shiny boobs?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 2:53 pm

He wanted to be a laughing stock that only Sean Hannity takes seriously?

edgydrifter June 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Herman Cain desperately wants to save the nation from the direction it's going, that being the direction of not having a Herman Cain radio show.

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:09 pm

also the direction of Herman Cain having less revenue to finance his various sexual harrasment suit settlements. A man's gotta have priorities, you understand

freakishlywrong June 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Aaaahhh well fuckyfuckyducky or whatever this asshole garbles when he can't answer a question.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I'm pretty sure that Mr. Cain's new show will last only 9 months, because only about 9 people will listen for at the most 9 minutes before tuning out.

Schmannnity June 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Coincidentally, the gestation period for his show assistant's lovechild

Pithaughn June 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Now we are going to find out how "moisture" resistant an HTC smartphone is.
I just guffawed my beverage while reading your reply!

fartknocker June 4, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Listen to Herm on AM radio 999. I'm sure the guests calling in will have the intellectual capacity of Mema.

Gratuitous World June 4, 2012 at 1:28 pm

His first choice was to replace Delilah, but this is a good backup.
99.9 FM, eh, right?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 1:28 pm

For most of us, this is an opportunity for new satire…, for Mr. Cain, this is an opportunity to find more women to feel up.

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I'd rather listen to Hearts of Space.

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I "echo" your comment.

noodlesalad June 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Will being the token black guy that conservatives tolerate work over the radio? Tune in next week to find out, same batshit crazy time, same batshit crazy channel!

Mittens Howell, III June 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I wonder which female producer gets to experience Herman's patented invisible-hand-up-the-skirt manouver.

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

AOTK?

bureaucrap June 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

He will be offering guest appearances to young attractive women who "need help with their careers, that's all."

SmutBoffin June 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

The conservative Howard Stern!

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

All the offensiveness, none of the humor!!!

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I think our country is now fucked for realz. You have to run for POTUS to get a disk jockey job? Anyone have a road map and tolls to Canada.

fuflans June 4, 2012 at 1:58 pm

if you're on the east coast, just turn right and keep going. you'll know you're there when you see that one moose.

on the west coast, take a left.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I wonder if he'll have his own analog to Robin Quivers, and what she'll have to do to get the job.

Schmannnity June 4, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I am hoping for Gloria Allred to co-host.

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

After all the hot bubbling sewage that was his campaign, I am happy to say I have moved on and lost that loving feeling. Who is this guy (and he better take up the banjo if he wants to get anywhere in this world)?

Fairtackle June 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Herman Cain stole my bike.

Schmannnity June 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Working title for the show: So, You Want a Job with Herman Cain. Theme music: Blowin' in the Wind.

LetUsBray June 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Who pushed his head towards their lap for him to get this job?

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I miss Alison Steele, the "Nightbird".

SorosBot June 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

He wants the position on Fox to get the chance to assault all the blonde anchorbots with unwanted gropes.

Come here a minute June 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Mr. Cain’s show, which as yet has no title.

I respectfully submit "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan".

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Tackyhackeyflackeycrapistan has far too many syllables for his target audience.

HobbesEvilTwin June 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm

This is good news for John Mc —– oh wait, nevermind.

SayItWithWookies June 4, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I thought Boortz was the sound one made about an hour after eating a Godfather's pizza.

SoBeach June 4, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I'm just glad they found a replacement for Boortz. Lord knows this country would just go kerblooey without some loud mouthed libertarian blowhard ranting on the radio for 15 hours a week.

SmutBoffin June 4, 2012 at 1:37 pm

This will be a children's radio show, right? No adult would listen to this, right?

Right?

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Anybody let's their kid listen to that show, Imma call Social Services.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

On the radio, no one can see you squeeze a boob.

Exhausted66 June 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

It is a shame, and a sham, when a representative has to address the people he or she was elected to serve like they are worthy of no more than being talked to like they are capable of only understanding nothing but street corner shuck and jibe.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Dangit.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I wonder if he'll be shucking and jibing on his program. What a sham and a shame.

RedneckMuslin June 4, 2012 at 1:52 pm

The token SOB will tap dance if it'll make whitey happy.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Nope, only black Democrats shuck and jibe. their blacks are better than our blacks.

(Coulter reference, not awful racism.)

bumfug June 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

He better watch out for Video. Video kills radio stars.

Not_So_Much June 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I hope Boortz's wig will stay. Spermin' Herman would look fabulous in that thing.

Mix in a little Pokemon music and he'll have all the tail he can grab!

Fare la Volpe June 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Oh, I get it! He's just going to rape women's ears.

That's an improvement, I guess.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm

ouch!

johnnymeatworth June 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

He will Slow Jam the news EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just the once like Barack did….

Mumbletypeg June 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

"I’ve got books already,…
I don’t want a TV show.
I want to help save this nation from the direction it’s going.”

Isn't it an indicator of self-gratification bordering on megalomania that a person, even posing with "the people's" best interests at heart, starts every sentence in quick succession with "I" this and "I" that? Putting-Country-First FAIL.

freakishlywrong June 4, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Whom, may I ask, is clamoring for this bewlshit?

Allmighty_Manos June 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

"Herman Cain, the one-time Republican presidential candidate, will begin hosting a nationally syndicated radio talk show in January"

Isn't this pretty much the only reason anyone besides Mitterns actually ran in the GOP primaries.

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Well, maybe not Ron Paul or John Huntsman. Their doomed campaigns seemed sincere.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Then there's whathisname, the openly gay Republican. Poor stupid fuck.

Chill_Bill June 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

To be fair, Herman has a face for radio.

TootsStansbury June 4, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Well holy crap looka that. At the same time, too!

Chill_Bill June 4, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Libtard minds think alike.

TootsStansbury June 4, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Funny thing the upfists are the same too!

TootsStansbury June 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Well he certainly has the face for the job.

Carbray June 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm

On the radio, no one can see you squeeze a boob a lot.

Abogados Barcelona
Abogado Barcelona

RedneckMuslin June 4, 2012 at 1:49 pm

For his show to be successful, he needs to hope that the black guy wins. Conservatives can handle Black vs Black but Black vs White? No way.

chascates June 4, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I listened to a bit of Neal Boortz a while back. He said he could always tell if a caller was black because they always wanted to 'axe him a question'.

owhatever June 4, 2012 at 1:52 pm

A big, BIG hello to all you sexy ladies in radioland. I'm Herman Cain and I'm waiting for your calls so we can talk about politics and anything else that's on that pretty mind. I want to know what you're wearing or were wearing before you heard my voice. Politics and world events and sticky pizzas, those are my subjects, but you can whisper your most perverted desires in my ear while I slowly lick the microphone. Now a word from our sponsor, Goldline. Stay tuned, sweet thangs. I'll be right back. Hmmmm?

anniegetyerfun June 4, 2012 at 1:57 pm

How did you get your hands on his script?!

Estproph June 4, 2012 at 1:54 pm

So I guess Cain felt he had become too famous…?

Sassomatic June 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm

It's nice to see black people breaking into the long-white-dominated field of spewing destructive lies at morons through their radios.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Queen saw this coming, almost 30 years ago.

All we hear is radio ga ga
Radio goo goo, radio ga ga
All we hear is radio ga ga
Radio blah blah

Callyson June 4, 2012 at 2:12 pm

And the title of this gem will be…Tits or GTFO. Promoted regularly on BillO's show…

niblick77 June 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Will he have his own Robin Quivers?

ttommyunger June 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Hopefully, Boortz is retiring because of a vicious case of ass-cancer; of course I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

It's better than eye cancer?

ttommyunger June 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Both would be OK with me.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard June 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

If one really wants to save America, political books and AM radio is definitely the way to conquer. GO BIG, HERMY!

Hoisted_Peatard June 4, 2012 at 11:11 pm

$500 says his first guest on the radio will be David Vitter (R-Pampers) and his first question to David Vitter will be: "do you have the number for that whore who used to change your poopy-poopy-stan-stan diapers?"

SorosBot June 4, 2012 at 2:35 pm

More than that; being told to get a room lead to us deciding to really meet up and get together in real life.

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