rumors on the internets

Americans Are Becoming Facebook-Addicted Europeans

Is it your brain on drugs or new brainy food?This morning, let’s learn about how food is turning robotic, Facebook is turning us into addicts, and the economy is turning us European. I’m pretty sure exactly none of those things would make sense a hundred years ago.
  • There’s a bunch of new ways that food is becoming bigger and better using robots and labs and special farms. What I want to know is when will they get food to look as good as it does in the commercials? [Slate]
  • Here is a survey to detect whether or not you are addicted to Facebook. Post it on Facebook for the highest amount of likes and comments to validate yourself as a person! [The Atlantic]
  • According to this article, Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future. This explains so much when it comes to the difference between the American and British versions of The Office. [The Daily Beast]
  • Your word selection matters when it comes to how the brain takes information in. Obviously, that’s why we pay J.K. Rowling the big bucks! Time to pre-order her next book! [Salon]
  • And finally, Wonkette wants you to ask us questions on Tumblr! Do it. Do it now or forever hold your peace.

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    The MittBott 3000 can cook?

    • mormos

      Well… no, but it has a built in replicator. Almost the same thing; if you don't mind the slight taste of ozone.

      • MosesInvests

        Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It can hire people to cook. And then fire them.

      • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

        And then make jokes about it.

  • Barb

    Robots, labs and special farms?
    Do we still get to keep the Messicans to pick the crops?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      What did you have in mind for them?

    • sewollef

      Yes, yes you do.

      And Europeans [the Brit variety] can still keep their Bangladeshis to pick the crops and run newsagents shops. They're an ambitious people.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      I think we should train Teatards to pick the crops. Two Ameros an hour and all the Cheetos™ they can eat. I know, I know, their hands are as soft as a baby's ass and their bellies so large they could never see the strawberries or whatever. Maybe rig-up some heavy-duty scooter boards like mechanics use to go under cars but with off-the-road tires? Then we can train the Messicans to be physicists and heart surgeons, they're smarter and harder working than the Teatards anyhoo.

  • sewollef

    Your word selection matters when it comes to how the brain takes information in.

    I think my word is, Fuck.

    As in 'Fuck Facebook…. and the horse it rode in on.' Does this make me a bad person, that doesn't get 'Liked'?

    • prommie

      I select "fuck" early and often. It is my go-too word to select. Fuck yeah! Fucking-A, motherfuckers.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Sluggo! I hope you had a nice weekend!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wonkette wants you to ask us questions on Tumblr!

    What's your cup size?

    • nounverb911

      Why do people smoke after sex?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Friction, of course. I recommend a lubricant, only just nothing that can catch fire.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          I think the latest version of the MIttbot has a self-oiling system.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Except he's not anatomically correct

    • BaldarTFlagass

      See the picture at top? What's that, A or AA?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Y'know, it's hard to say. They could be….restrained….

        MMmmmmmm….be in my bunk!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      wants you to ask us questions on Tumblr!

      Dear Wonkette — Can you help me establish the diff between "Armageddon"* and "Apocalypse," I think LaHaye's Left Behind series has conflated my sense of a militaristic showdown and the befabled "End of Days" from that biblical Book of Relevation. Oh while you're at it, help me remember when to say "relevate" and when to use "revelate"? Maybe you could offer me a sentence to use it in, for practice.

      * I keep referring to last spring's "Wonkmageddon" when I really mean "Wonkapacolypse." Or don't I?..

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I remain a Scrabble® addict when it concerns the actual board game with carbon humans, but confess to FB "Words with Friends" Fatigue.
    Or rather — Angry Birds Words-w/-Friends-Partners'-Needling-Updates("It's your turn!")-Burnout.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Why do I go to Wonkette to see pictures of toothless Chris Christie with a caption that says "Pigs deserve to turn around." Is he getting a new toilet for his bus sized Towncar?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future.

    Well, Nihilist Existentialism *was* a French thing…

  • SexySmurf

    According to this article, Americans are becoming more European

    Today we are all taking long vacations and not bathing.

    Mostly because we're unemployed and they shut off our water.

  • prommie

    Whats a fucking Tumblr?

    • nounverb911

      It's another facebookian waste of time?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Fucking Facebook without all those fucking friends.

    • chicken_thief

      Not to be a size queen and all, but I have a huge one! I drink iced tea out of it in the summertimez.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Its for all the wallflowers of Facebook who never got a second look.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      What I drink my scotch out of?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        The bottle?

        Oh, what YOU drink it out of….?

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Yes, me and my fancy, high faluting ways.

    • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

      A good place to see boobies.

  • Baconzgood

    Do pigs REALLY deserve to turn around?

    • nounverb911

      Sometimes Chris Christie likes to see who he's stepped on.

    • Rotundo_

      Real ones do. The humans we consider pigs e.g. Christie usually have people to hold mirrors so they can see behind them (and for checking to make sure the aides properly clean the various nooks and crannies around the ay! hole).

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I told her to keep facing forward so I could keep my fantasy going

  • SorosBot

    I'd ask you questions on Tumblr if I had any clue what the fuck a Tumblr is.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

      Yet another blogger site that never really caught on. It was initially adopted by hipsters/artsy types but quickly got taken over stupid internet memes(like this one) and porn.

      • Baconzgood

        AHHHH! That's that fucking dweeb that the lil' lady sais I look like. I hate him.

      • LetUsBray

        Are you kidding? It is THE place to go for pics of Kim Jong Il looking at things (Dear Leader may be looking at eternity now, but there's still an archive of things he looked at in this world).

        Outside of the DPRK press, I mean.

    • MissTaken

      I think it's like a Facebook but with more pictures and less 'e's.

      • SorosBot

        Is it filled with people rambling on about their babies under the delusion that the rest of us care about their stupid babies too?

        • chicken_thief

          The only thing I've ever seen on Tumblr is porn. Er, uh… I mean, I've heard that there is porn on Tumblr.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Wait….porn?

          • chicken_thief

            actor, you are right! I think I corn-fused Tumblr and Flicker, or whatever it is.

            Ok, then, so wtf is Tumblr?!

  • freakishlywrong

    Europeans get ten weeks off a year. When they start a mothafuckin' jawb. Yes please! (I'm much more optimistic about the future now).

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I had that same argument with my boss, that my salary has stagnated for a decade and that maybe if there was some alternate form of compensation, I'd spend less time on teh Wonkette and more time getting my work done faster, better, stronger, then mentioned, "Y'know, my British counterpart gets eight weeks' vacation and his healthcare is fully covered…"

      • freakishlywrong

        Answer: "Well, move to soshalist Britain then".

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I can't get to Tumblr at work. Why can't I ask Wonkette questions here at Wonkette?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Did you there, see I did.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      according to wiki, Tumblers are flat-bottomed drinking glasses.

  • Estproph

    Another reason to be happy that no more Breitbart websites will be coming: Big Food.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He tried, but he ate it

      • TootsStansbury

        Hey I get it. He ate it and was so full he had to go take a nap.

        In the dirt!

  • Come here a minute

    This is your brain on Europe. Any questions?

    • LetUsBray

      I can haz health care now?

  • Baconzgood

    I don't like face book. It cuts into my porn time.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      "Do it now or forever hold your peace piece."

  • Estproph

    Breaking: Daily Beast Denies Existence Of Atlantic Ocean, Fails Geography

  • OneDollarJuana

    I wish we could become more European in the sense that we have national health care and live longer and are generally happier.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And speak better English.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Maybe when the diabeetus takes away all the fatties, we'll be able to accomplish all that?

  • MissTaken

    Dammit, I asked for my brain on drugs to be scrambled, not fried.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      My brain gets fried, but my mind is honey-roasted.

    • Baconzgood

      I always get an extra side of bacon with my brain.

    • Generation[redacted]

      My brain is more of a tofu scramble with kale.

      • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

        Mmmm…Red Star Nutritional Yeast…

  • Goonemeritus

    You have about as much chance of getting me to signup for Tumblr as you would trying to get me to belt sand my nipples off.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You make that sound like a bad thing.

    • widestanceromance

      Yeah, I'm old school, too. I like to sand them by hand.

    • WhatTheHeck

      You’re a person of ‘True Grit.’
      Coarse, not medium or fine.

  • prommie

    European-like nonchalance regarding extramarital sexing will be coming when? Coupled please with a Holland-like, Amsterdam-y view as to the harmlessness of hash?

    • MissTaken

      This afternoon between cinq à sept, mais oui!

      • OldWhiteLies

        Damn – that's just when game three of the Cup playoffs is on over here on the LeftCoast.

        Hmm. What to do, what to do.

        Wait – there has to be another showing of the Nonchalance & Hash pilot – right? Ooooh, I just realised I can download it from Amz for $2.99 plus tax! No worries then.

    • chicken_thief

      We don't have to watch that faggy soccer shit, though, do we?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        It's better with dope.

      • LetUsBray

        Rill Amurkins get bored by NASCAR and baseball.

    • prommie

      Ou est la partie?

  • http://wonkette.com/ yellowerdog

    and the economy is turning us European?
    I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Tumblr sounds like a circus act with people who can't spell or who are allergic to vowels. Is it really the web site of the Republican party?

  • FlyOverGirl

    What if the j-o-b requires me to utilize Facebook 24/7? It's not so much addiction as it is the desire to get paid.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      My teenage daughter wants your job.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      your job sounds like hell.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That Slate article — Jesus fucking Christ. After seeing the heading "Lab Burgers" I was tempted to grab an axe, my cats and my cast-iron skillet and just head for the fuckin' hills. Can't say I won't yet, either.

    • freakishlywrong

      Do NOT eat the cats.

      • SayItWithWookies

        The cats are safe — it's the feral tofu, and enough trees to build a crude shelter, that need to worry.

  • widestanceromance

    Oooh, another social media phenomenon that will take relatively small portions of the population by storm!

  • DaRooster

    Do it now or forever hold your peace pees…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'm always holding my piece.

  • dijetlo

    Do it. Do it now

    Speaking only for myself and I mean this is in the nicest possible way but I really believe strongly that you should go eat a bag of lightly salted wooly rat dicks and then find some attractive person to paddle your ass with a hairbrush for ten or fifteen minutes (no safe word) and, oh, by the way, Do it. Do it now
    Bless your heart….

  • proudgrampa

    Tumblr?

    I went. I looked. I saw.

    Won't need to do it again.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Facebook, twitter, tumblr….

      Gah!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Am I the only person on the planet that likes Facebook?

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      No, there is some 1% guy named Zuckerberg that's right there with you. You should meet him, I know he knows all about you.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Complete and total win.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I like Facebook. I just don't like the people on Facebook.

      I don't like people who don't really understand what it is or how to use it, and then complain that it has all the information they willingly gave it.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Agreed.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I liked Facebook well enough to sign up up one night (while drinking) and send out a zillion friend requests. Since then I haven't been able to log on, despite several attempts at password recovery.

      So at least I can say that I'm not wasting all my time on Facebook.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    My wonkette on Tumblr– I thought Tumblr was just another great porn delivery site. Can't wait until the reblogging to fuckyeahhotlesbians starts.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    According to this article, Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future.

    So I have four weeks of paid vacation time now?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      delicious cheese and wine, also too.

  • Wonderthing

    "Pigs" is in turnaround.

  • Sassomatic

    I don't want to be European. Their bars suck.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    "Do it now or forever hold your peace"

    Did you mean "Do it now or forever hold your penis"?

    Cuz I would totally do that, if I had a penis.

    • bikerlaureate

      I'd hammer in the morning,
      I'd hammer in the evening,
      All over this land.

  • DahBoner

    The only peas I know are Wasabi…

  • ttommyunger

    Heh, heh, you said urapee'n, heh, heh….

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future…

    obama's fault obv.