RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:20 am June 4, 2012

Americans Are Becoming Facebook-Addicted Europeans

by Sulagna Misra

Is it your brain on drugs or new brainy food?This morning, let’s learn about how food is turning robotic, Facebook is turning us into addicts, and the economy is turning us European. I’m pretty sure exactly none of those things would make sense a hundred years ago.
  • There’s a bunch of new ways that food is becoming bigger and better using robots and labs and special farms. What I want to know is when will they get food to look as good as it does in the commercials? [Slate]
  • Here is a survey to detect whether or not you are addicted to Facebook. Post it on Facebook for the highest amount of likes and comments to validate yourself as a person! [The Atlantic]
  • According to this article, Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future. This explains so much when it comes to the difference between the American and British versions of The Office. [The Daily Beast]
  • Your word selection matters when it comes to how the brain takes information in. Obviously, that’s why we pay J.K. Rowling the big bucks! Time to pre-order her next book! [Salon]
  • And finally, Wonkette wants you to ask us questions on Tumblr! Do it. Do it now or forever hold your peace.
 

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 109 comments }

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 11:23 am

The MittBott 3000 can cook?

mormos June 4, 2012 at 11:41 am

Well… no, but it has a built in replicator. Almost the same thing; if you don't mind the slight taste of ozone.

MosesInvests June 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

It can hire people to cook. And then fire them.

Andrew Drinker June 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm

And then make jokes about it.

Barb June 4, 2012 at 11:24 am

Robots, labs and special farms?
Do we still get to keep the Messicans to pick the crops?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:27 am

What did you have in mind for them?

sewollef June 4, 2012 at 11:28 am

Yes, yes you do.

And Europeans [the Brit variety] can still keep their Bangladeshis to pick the crops and run newsagents shops. They're an ambitious people.

weejee June 4, 2012 at 11:33 am

I think we should train Teatards to pick the crops. Two Ameros an hour and all the Cheetos™ they can eat. I know, I know, their hands are as soft as a baby's ass and their bellies so large they could never see the strawberries or whatever. Maybe rig-up some heavy-duty scooter boards like mechanics use to go under cars but with off-the-road tires? Then we can train the Messicans to be physicists and heart surgeons, they're smarter and harder working than the Teatards anyhoo.

sewollef June 4, 2012 at 11:25 am

Your word selection matters when it comes to how the brain takes information in.

I think my word is, Fuck.

As in 'Fuck Facebook…. and the horse it rode in on.' Does this make me a bad person, that doesn't get 'Liked'?

prommie June 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I select "fuck" early and often. It is my go-too word to select. Fuck yeah! Fucking-A, motherfuckers.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:26 am

Sluggo! I hope you had a nice weekend!

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:26 am

Wonkette wants you to ask us questions on Tumblr!

What's your cup size?

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 11:29 am

Why do people smoke after sex?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:30 am

Friction, of course. I recommend a lubricant, only just nothing that can catch fire.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I think the latest version of the MIttbot has a self-oiling system.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Except he's not anatomically correct

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 11:34 am

See the picture at top? What's that, A or AA?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

Y'know, it's hard to say. They could be….restrained….

MMmmmmmm….be in my bunk!

Mumbletypeg June 4, 2012 at 11:40 am

wants you to ask us questions on Tumblr!

Dear Wonkette — Can you help me establish the diff between "Armageddon"* and "Apocalypse," I think LaHaye's Left Behind series has conflated my sense of a militaristic showdown and the befabled "End of Days" from that biblical Book of Relevation. Oh while you're at it, help me remember when to say "relevate" and when to use "revelate"? Maybe you could offer me a sentence to use it in, for practice.

* I keep referring to last spring's "Wonkmageddon" when I really mean "Wonkapacolypse." Or don't I?..

Mumbletypeg June 4, 2012 at 11:27 am

I remain a Scrabble® addict when it concerns the actual board game with carbon humans, but confess to FB "Words with Friends" Fatigue.
Or rather — Angry Birds Words-w/-Friends-Partners'-Needling-Updates("It's your turn!")-Burnout.

EatsBabyDingos June 4, 2012 at 11:27 am

Why do I go to Wonkette to see pictures of toothless Chris Christie with a caption that says "Pigs deserve to turn around." Is he getting a new toilet for his bus sized Towncar?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:28 am

Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future.

Well, Nihilist Existentialism *was* a French thing…

SexySmurf June 4, 2012 at 11:29 am

According to this article, Americans are becoming more European

Today we are all taking long vacations and not bathing.

Mostly because we're unemployed and they shut off our water.

prommie June 4, 2012 at 11:29 am

Whats a fucking Tumblr?

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

It's another facebookian waste of time?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

Fucking Facebook without all those fucking friends.

chicken_thief June 4, 2012 at 11:56 am

Not to be a size queen and all, but I have a huge one! I drink iced tea out of it in the summertimez.

WhatTheHeck June 4, 2012 at 11:56 am

Its for all the wallflowers of Facebook who never got a second look.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 12:28 pm

What I drink my scotch out of?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The bottle?

Oh, what YOU drink it out of….?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Yes, me and my fancy, high faluting ways.

Andrew Drinker June 4, 2012 at 12:48 pm

A good place to see boobies.

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 11:30 am

Do pigs REALLY deserve to turn around?

nounverb911 June 4, 2012 at 11:32 am

Sometimes Chris Christie likes to see who he's stepped on.

Rotundo_ June 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Real ones do. The humans we consider pigs e.g. Christie usually have people to hold mirrors so they can see behind them (and for checking to make sure the aides properly clean the various nooks and crannies around the ay! hole).

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I told her to keep facing forward so I could keep my fantasy going

SorosBot June 4, 2012 at 11:30 am

I'd ask you questions on Tumblr if I had any clue what the fuck a Tumblr is.

Chill_Bill June 4, 2012 at 11:35 am

Yet another blogger site that never really caught on. It was initially adopted by hipsters/artsy types but quickly got taken over stupid internet memes(like this one) and porn.

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 11:48 am

AHHHH! That's that fucking dweeb that the lil' lady sais I look like. I hate him.

LetUsBray June 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Are you kidding? It is THE place to go for pics of Kim Jong Il looking at things (Dear Leader may be looking at eternity now, but there's still an archive of things he looked at in this world).

Outside of the DPRK press, I mean.

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 11:35 am

I think it's like a Facebook but with more pictures and less 'e's.

SorosBot June 4, 2012 at 11:43 am

Is it filled with people rambling on about their babies under the delusion that the rest of us care about their stupid babies too?

chicken_thief June 4, 2012 at 11:57 am

The only thing I've ever seen on Tumblr is porn. Er, uh… I mean, I've heard that there is porn on Tumblr.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Wait….porn?

freakishlywrong June 4, 2012 at 11:30 am

Europeans get ten weeks off a year. When they start a mothafuckin' jawb. Yes please! (I'm much more optimistic about the future now).

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:34 am

I had that same argument with my boss, that my salary has stagnated for a decade and that maybe if there was some alternate form of compensation, I'd spend less time on teh Wonkette and more time getting my work done faster, better, stronger, then mentioned, "Y'know, my British counterpart gets eight weeks' vacation and his healthcare is fully covered…"

freakishlywrong June 4, 2012 at 11:37 am

Answer: "Well, move to soshalist Britain then".

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

I can't get to Tumblr at work. Why can't I ask Wonkette questions here at Wonkette?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:34 am

Did you there, see I did.

Blueb4sunrise June 4, 2012 at 12:02 pm

according to wiki, Tumblers are flat-bottomed drinking glasses.

Estproph June 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

Another reason to be happy that no more Breitbart websites will be coming: Big Food.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:35 am

He tried, but he ate it

TootsStansbury June 4, 2012 at 11:51 am

Hey I get it. He ate it and was so full he had to go take a nap.

In the dirt!

Come here a minute June 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

This is your brain on Europe. Any questions?

LetUsBray June 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I can haz health care now?

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 11:33 am

I don't like face book. It cuts into my porn time.

deanbooth June 4, 2012 at 11:44 am

"Do it now or forever hold your peace piece."

Estproph June 4, 2012 at 11:33 am

Breaking: Daily Beast Denies Existence Of Atlantic Ocean, Fails Geography

OneDollarJuana June 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

I wish we could become more European in the sense that we have national health care and live longer and are generally happier.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 11:48 am

And speak better English.

Lascauxcaveman June 4, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Maybe when the diabeetus takes away all the fatties, we'll be able to accomplish all that?

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

Dammit, I asked for my brain on drugs to be scrambled, not fried.

BaldarTFlagass June 4, 2012 at 11:39 am

My brain gets fried, but my mind is honey-roasted.

Baconzgood June 4, 2012 at 11:45 am

I always get an extra side of bacon with my brain.

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

My brain is more of a tofu scramble with kale.

Andrew Drinker June 4, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Mmmm…Red Star Nutritional Yeast…

Goonemeritus June 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

You have about as much chance of getting me to signup for Tumblr as you would trying to get me to belt sand my nipples off.

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 11:41 am

You make that sound like a bad thing.

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

Yeah, I'm old school, too. I like to sand them by hand.

WhatTheHeck June 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

You’re a person of ‘True Grit.’
Coarse, not medium or fine.

prommie June 4, 2012 at 11:39 am

European-like nonchalance regarding extramarital sexing will be coming when? Coupled please with a Holland-like, Amsterdam-y view as to the harmlessness of hash?

MissTaken June 4, 2012 at 11:41 am

This afternoon between cinq à sept, mais oui!

OldWhiteLies June 4, 2012 at 11:56 am

Damn – that's just when game three of the Cup playoffs is on over here on the LeftCoast.

Hmm. What to do, what to do.

Wait – there has to be another showing of the Nonchalance & Hash pilot – right? Ooooh, I just realised I can download it from Amz for $2.99 plus tax! No worries then.

chicken_thief June 4, 2012 at 12:00 pm

We don't have to watch that faggy soccer shit, though, do we?

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

It's better with dope.

LetUsBray June 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Rill Amurkins get bored by NASCAR and baseball.

prommie June 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Ou est la partie?

yellowerdog June 4, 2012 at 11:41 am

and the economy is turning us European?
I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so

Dudleydidwrong June 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

Tumblr sounds like a circus act with people who can't spell or who are allergic to vowels. Is it really the web site of the Republican party?

FlyOverGirl June 4, 2012 at 11:50 am

What if the j-o-b requires me to utilize Facebook 24/7? It's not so much addiction as it is the desire to get paid.

Lascauxcaveman June 4, 2012 at 1:03 pm

My teenage daughter wants your job.

fuflans June 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

your job sounds like hell.

SayItWithWookies June 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

That Slate article — Jesus fucking Christ. After seeing the heading "Lab Burgers" I was tempted to grab an axe, my cats and my cast-iron skillet and just head for the fuckin' hills. Can't say I won't yet, either.

freakishlywrong June 4, 2012 at 11:59 am

Do NOT eat the cats.

SayItWithWookies June 4, 2012 at 12:07 pm

The cats are safe — it's the feral tofu, and enough trees to build a crude shelter, that need to worry.

widestanceromance June 4, 2012 at 11:56 am

Oooh, another social media phenomenon that will take relatively small portions of the population by storm!

DaRooster June 4, 2012 at 11:59 am

Do it now or forever hold your peace pees…

actor212 June 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I'm always holding my piece.

dijetlo June 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Do it. Do it now

Speaking only for myself and I mean this is in the nicest possible way but I really believe strongly that you should go eat a bag of lightly salted wooly rat dicks and then find some attractive person to paddle your ass with a hairbrush for ten or fifteen minutes (no safe word) and, oh, by the way, Do it. Do it now
Bless your heart….

proudgrampa June 4, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Tumblr?

I went. I looked. I saw.

Won't need to do it again.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Facebook, twitter, tumblr….

Gah!

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Am I the only person on the planet that likes Facebook?

iburl June 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm

No, there is some 1% guy named Zuckerberg that's right there with you. You should meet him, I know he knows all about you.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Complete and total win.

Generation[redacted] June 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I like Facebook. I just don't like the people on Facebook.

I don't like people who don't really understand what it is or how to use it, and then complain that it has all the information they willingly gave it.

Dashboard Buddha June 4, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Agreed.

Lascauxcaveman June 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I liked Facebook well enough to sign up up one night (while drinking) and send out a zillion friend requests. Since then I haven't been able to log on, despite several attempts at password recovery.

So at least I can say that I'm not wasting all my time on Facebook.

Chow Yun Flat June 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm

My wonkette on Tumblr– I thought Tumblr was just another great porn delivery site. Can't wait until the reblogging to fuckyeahhotlesbians starts.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 4, 2012 at 12:29 pm

According to this article, Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future.

So I have four weeks of paid vacation time now?

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:23 pm

delicious cheese and wine, also too.

Wonderthing June 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

"Pigs" is in turnaround.

Sassomatic June 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I don't want to be European. Their bars suck.

starfanglednut June 4, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"Do it now or forever hold your peace"

Did you mean "Do it now or forever hold your penis"?

Cuz I would totally do that, if I had a penis.

bikerlaureate June 4, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I'd hammer in the morning,
I'd hammer in the evening,
All over this land.

DahBoner June 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm

The only peas I know are Wasabi…

ttommyunger June 4, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Heh, heh, you said urapee'n, heh, heh….

fuflans June 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Americans are becoming more European as we get less and less optimistic about our future…

obama's fault obv.

chicken_thief June 4, 2012 at 2:37 pm

actor, you are right! I think I corn-fused Tumblr and Flicker, or whatever it is.

Ok, then, so wtf is Tumblr?!

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