Here Is A Painting Of Ghost Andrew Breitbart As A Nordic Knight

BEHAAAAAVE YOURSELVES!

Patriot Depot, supplies for the conservative revolution, has what you crave, and that is seven different versions of this amazing portrait of Ghost Andrew Breitbart titled Fight. You could buy it in a pack of post cards; you could buy a giclee print; you could buy a $49.95 version, or a $3,999.95 version, because $4000 would just be a silly price to pay for this, but $3,999.95 is a steal!

In a previous life, your Editrix spent 12 years as an actual art critic, the kind who never didn’t have a shiv in her pencase and a sneer upon her face. But she always had room in her heart for art atrocities of the naif tradition — Slate pitches taking the form of art reviews, if you will — and this work by David Bugnon is the kind of masterpiece of Outsider art, a veritable holocaust-tsunami of bad taste, for which she would have #warred all those other stupid art critics who were too busy fawning over Richard Diebenkorn or some other AbEx total crap (and 50 years too late) to understand the beauty of a work like Fight. Look at the loving attention paid to the contours of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s fat face! Look at the fanboy comic-geek detail on that super-bitchen sword and armor! Look at the improperly foreshortened arm, which would have left Ghost Andrew Breitbart with little 18-inch-long stub arms that couldn’t have even reached his pockets! Look at those steely dreamy sexboat eyes, undressing you out of your altarboy cassock! The only problem with Fight that we can possibly see is that David Bugnon got Hell’s lighting wrong.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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701 comments

  1. Barb

    Patriot Depot? It's like Home Depot, but for patriots.

    Sarah Palin can buy this and hang it next to her velvet painting of the Virgin Mary, holding the baby Elvis.

    1. Rotundo_

      Endless rows of pallet racking (in bright red instead of orange-natch) filled with boxes of reich wing chotchkes and pallets upon pallets of regnery and other publishing house remainders that couldn't move in the dollar stores. Lots of portraits of Ronald Reagan in similar motif. Pictures of Al Gore and Streisand in the urinals for the conservatards entertainment. Workshops for homosexuality conversion in the back, Sarah Palin's gently used frocks in the front. Rush Limbaugh guide to Dominican rental children in the travel section. Nugent's Archery supplies, Wayne LaPierre gunsmithing section, you could go on, and probably make a shitload of money with it if you put one together.

          1. Barb

            My son-in-law, Ian said that Victoria is about to be given something to help her to sleep.

            Today is Rebecca's son's birthday. I was hoping they would be born on the same day. It is tomorrow where Victoria lives, Florida.

          2. flamingpdog

            I'm sending you an imaginary prairie teddy bear to hold onto until you get there.

          3. Barb

            Thanks George! The baby is not yet born and I am climbing the walls right now. I gave birth to Victoria Grace in 42 minutes, from start to finish. The waiting is the hardest part.

          4. Extemporanus

            Congratulations, Barb!

            (I didn't have time to get you a proper gift, so I'm hoping that snarky sneak peek will suffice. It was made with love…and whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey.)

            I'm on a rusty tomato iCan with a very frayed WiFi string right now, so I'm just gonna say that I gots no beef with ya, B, and wish you and your babies nothin' but the best. We can deal with any lingering stinkiness later — until then, consider our shit meconium.

            Here's to a happy, healthy double header. Hang in there, and take care…

          5. Barb

            Fuck you, you just made me cry. I've had it in me all afternoon and I just couldn't release it.

            Please, tell me that you know that "lightening-fingered" comment wasn't directed at you at all, I swear that on Mitchelle Anderson's unborn life. It had nothing to do with you. Look back at the comments and you will see the proof and the link that shows my innocence. Just GO BACK AND LOOK, please.

            I don't post snotty comments to you in secret or really, out in the open. I consider you the absolute wittiest person here. Your "Otis shrugged" is the best comment ever posted that I've ever seen here.

            God, I hate being sober. I want to take that baby call and not say to my son-in-law, "I love you Ian!" "You made something of yourself!" LOL

            I am willing to never again mention your false accusation if you just read the proof that you were mistaken and nod to yourself and realize that you made a little boo-boo. If you continue to make a false accusation against me after reading the proof, I am going to have to marry you and assure that the rest of your life will be a living hell.

            We can only live on the wedding gifts for so long and then we are stuck dealing with each other. The choice is yours. Any Macy's gift cards are mine.

          6. Barb

            Just remember, as shittified as things seem, Extemporanus as least we don't have Celine Dion, singing in the background of our lives. *shiver*

    2. Crank_Tango

      And instead of immigrant day laborers standing around in the parking lot waiting for work, it's crowded with skinny rentboys slinging teeners.

    3. actor212

      As a bona fide Viking Horde (just me, that's more Horde than most can handle), I'll be raising the issue of a full-scale attack on Atlanta (Patriot Depot's home city) at our summer convention in Sjoberg this year.

      If you live near the Chattahoochee, you can cheer on our longboats. I'll be in the front boat, blasting "The Immigrant Song" on my iPod. I may even declare myself kuningaz and start enslaving the rednecks.

  2. Dr. Nick Riviera

    "On a mountain of skulls in a castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood. What was will be, what is will be no more. Now is the season of evil! Find me a child that I might live again!"
    –Breitbart the Carpathian

    1. TribecaMike

      Indeed, even worse than the 1990 "Captain America," and that's really saying something.

    2. Angry_Marmot

      Worse than the Roger Corman Fantastic Four? Come to think of it, there are some things even Corman won't show in public.

      1. TribecaMike

        That was a particularly bad one, but most flicks that have the stamp of the House of Corman get a free pass from me. Roger's honorary lifetime achievement Oscar is way past due. Am Irish pal of mine worked on a few of his flicks during the 1990's when he was based in Dublin, and I got to hang with Corman a few times, and he was a most charming and intelligent guy. And best of all, he paid the pub tabs every time. Now that's a gent.

          1. TribecaMike

            In Hollywood, that makes him a mutant. Seriously, the guy practically invented indie movies and deserves one of them nekkid golden statuettes.

    1. fartknocker

      Agreed. Whomever the fucktard artist is who created this Etsy work should be crafting CGI graphics for the National Geographic channel in its Tuna Wars series.

  3. Dr. Nick Riviera

    By the looks of it, Breitbart died when his armor and neck waddle conspired to strangle him.

      1. Dr. Nick Riviera

        Dude, it was the crack of noon on a weekend when I typed that. Give a gal a break. Obama and 57 states. Here it is used in a sentence correctly:

        The wattle wobbles as the wascally warthole waddles.

  4. Barb

    Do you get the feeling that his arms are so stubby because his mom used to tie them to his sides when he was growing up. Seems Andy really liked to play with his winkie. Didn't matter though because even with his stubby nubbins' he could play with other peoples winkies instead.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      This was our chance to answer the mystery of Tyrannosaurus Rex– hunter or scavenger?

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The arms are stubby because it's Peter Dinkladge in his Tyrion Lannister getup, with Breitbart's head (copied from this photo) glommed on.

      In other words, crap art cobbled up from a lame mashup.

    3. Wile E. Quixote

      Fortunately he met Matt Drudge and Jonah Goldberg, both of whom had the same problem, and they could hump each other's legs, sometimes all at once.

  5. Mittens Howell, III

    That armor didn't help when he was attacked by legions of triple-bacon cheeseburgers.

  6. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Notice how he has the remains of his vanquished foes (his belts) as trophies on his right arm. Hardcore.

          1. Dashboard_Jesus

            y'all are so freakin' awesome, this frequent Wonkette lurker/ infrequent commentater applauds your awesomeness *golf clap*

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Pfft. The goddess Kali is more badass than St. Andrew would ever hope to be.

      1. MittBorg

        Srsly. I used to have a painting of her with her bloody red tongue lolling down to the garland of human skulls around her neck, in a skirt made of severed arms. Dancing.

          1. MittBorg

            Very. In a crazy, creepy, "I'm'a cut your heart out and EAT it, motherfucker" kinda way that always brings the adrenalin rush. Kinda looked like this, but more *grotesque,* if you know what I mean.

          2. MittBorg

            Aw, pdog, you KNOW the crazy ones are the hottest in bed.

            I remember reading a description of Kali performing her toilette, adorning herself with the remains of corpses, etc. (that could smell a bit), and thinking how much it sounds like a modern woman's routine (just different substances, is all).

  7. real_dc_native

    I hate to bring this up but I can't help myself. You know who else was in a portrait as a knight?

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          That would be Spooge o' Todd aka "the best part you ran down the crack of your mother's ass".

          1. MittBorg

            I think Todd's busy spooging his spoo in different ladyparts, these days. More likely what we see in that painting is the aftermath of a yeast infection.

        2. tessiee

          "WHAT IS COMING OUT OF HER LADY-PARTS?"

          Some sort of babby/unwed daughter's babby/anti-choice campaign prop?

          1. MittBorg

            That is some mighty, burning love, there, Butch. Does Hubby know?

            This week's man-crush at Ye Olde HomeSteade is Donny Yen, current heartthrob of HongKong chopsocky movies. The Hubster just responds with, "Oh, so no more Takeshi Kaneshiro, then?"

      1. DustinDeWynde

        Damn you, Pseudonymously_Joe, damn you to, wait, no that wouldn't be cool to have you spend Eternity with Angry Andy, but still you beat me to posting that.

        I *was* going to post "The Manifesto of Anders Behring Breivik" to highlight the similarities between that psycho and Breitbart and his moranic minions, but, no, that wouldn't be cool either.

    1. Dr. Nick Riviera

      At least Hitler's artist was apparently vaguely familiar with what the human form looks like. This artist has apparently never seen a human not squished into a hoverround.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Relatives of the former coach of the Indiana Hoosiers in their family portrait?

        1. C_R_Eature

          I'll give it a shot: It's supposed to point to a reply to blueb4sunrise's comment in the Jonah Goldberg post.

          Not sure that will work, but I was just grumping about posting the same painting off-topic on an earlier post…

  8. Hedley_Lamarr

    I'm sure Ze Germans have a six syllable word for how big a douche he was, and that should be the title of this thing.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Well, here's a Phrase:
      der Abschaum der menschlichen Gesellschaft. – The Scum of the Earth
      There's: der Dreckskerl – Dirty Bastard
      And: der Mistkerl – Bastard, or Dirty Swine
      Also: der Schwanzlutscher – Cocksucker

      Take your pick

      1. freddymcmurray

        or maybe Arschloch der Welt – asshole of the world

        (Arsch der Welt is normally reserved for describing a location: "ass of the world" like our "armpit of the world" in English)

    2. Vecchiojohn

      "Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens" – Schiller
      Too many syllables, but still . . .

          1. C_R_Eature

            Oh, you earned that one, friend.

            And thank you so much! That was perfect. What a voice – and he could go on like that for hours! He's no longer with us, I think?

          2. MittBorg

            No, he is not. But man, he could sing. I'm still looking for a replacement for that incredible voice and fusion technique. A four-octave range, classical Hindustani raga/jazz/mideastern melodies and vocal techniques. There are a lot of qawwali musicians, but there is only one Nusrat.

    3. Hedley_Lamarr

      All outstanding answers, you scholars of German. Now go invade Poland or something.

    4. glamourdammerung

      I'm sure Ze Germans have a six syllable word for how big a douche he was, and that should be the title of this thing.

      "Lebensunwertes Leben"?

  9. Mittens Howell, III

    The bottom of the painting is cut off, it actually shows him rising from a KFC bucket.

          1. MittBorg

            It's fire abatement season, and I have reinjured my shoulder from weeding extensively. BUT! There are tomatoes sprouting on my plants. (It's a miracle, I tellsya.) So I'm happy, mostly. (Hugs the little feathered one)

  10. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I miss the days when this could not possibly be anything other than a National Lampoon cover.

    1. tessiee

      They really had some wonderful artists, didn't they? I have a coffee table book of the art of Mara McAfee that still makes me smile whenever I look through it.

        1. sullivanst

          Possibly wasn't the most representative diary from that series to pick, but it was the most recent of the Google results and I was feeling lazy :P It does have a link to the first which is more the flavor I was thinking of, there were three or four in the middle too.

          1. MittBorg

            Essentially, the writer is pointing out that we are reverting to a standard used some years ago which permitted someone other than the patient and her attending physician to decide on a procedure that should be nobody's business but the patient's. And her attending physician's.

            Young women today will have fewer rights over their reproductive systems and their health than most women have taken for granted since the 1960s.

        1. flamingpdog

          'cept putting Britefart's head in that picture would assure poor sales on the news stand.

          1. MittBorg

            I was a teenager, and not allowed to read that magazine when it first came out. The picture stayed with me all the past five decades, believe me.

  11. SexySmurf

    Judging from the armor and the soul patch, I'm guessing the painting is called Dungeons and Douchebags.

  12. sbj1964

    Andrew Breibart,and the Lord of the Rings? Bartbots,he is more like Lord of the Fly's.A big conservative turd.

  13. BarackMyWorld

    Wait…right-wingers actually looked up to this guy?

    Never mind that his professional reputation should have been completely destroyed after the Shirley Sherrod fiasco, what about the fact that he helped create the Huffington Post, or that his only actual agenda was mudslinging?

    1. MittBorg

      Yes, and? I mean, srsly. These people look up to Bush, fer Crisake. Lower than a worm's arsehole, is what they are. Why does it surprise you that they look UP to morally repellent swine like NotSoBrightBart?

    2. SayItWithWookies

      James O'Keefe is still getting gigs. Hell, Rupert Murdoch heads one of the largest criminal enterprises in the whole corporate world, and yet he's allowed to continue doing exactly what he's been doing for decades.

      And the entire conservative movement reveres a former president who sold arms to what we now consider the largest terrorist exporter in the world, and used that to finance an illegal war against an elected government in Nicaragua. So it's not like willful blindness has been a longstanding necessity of their ethos or anything.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    Yeah, yeah. And Michelle Malkin is Xena, the Freakin' Warrior Princess.

    1. flamingpdog

      If I didn't want him touching my ass when he was alive, why would I want him touching my ass when he's dead?

      1. MittBorg

        Pdog, could you just be, like, truly unselfish for once and think of all the POOR PEOPLE who are never getting their ass touched by ANYONE? Just knowing that NotSoBrightBart is nose-deep in their most odoriferous orifice will bring the *happiness,* dood. It's not too much to ask.

        1. HistoriBarb

          I use toilet paper to clean my ass … putting Breitbart close to it would most likely have the opposite effect.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      Breitbart was judged 'Best Hickory Smoked Ham' by the National Country Ham Association.

    2. unclejeems

      Breitbart staggered drunk out of a bar, during the last week of his life, and fell into the gutter, dead drunk. Two ladies happened to walk past and, curious about what kilted warriors like this hero actually wore under their kilts, lifted his garment. Not liking what they saw, but not wanting to shame the poor fat drunk man, they removed the blue ribbons from their hair, and tied them around the poor little appendage, lending it an air of respectability it could not have achieved on its own. Then they rose and walked on.

      In the morning, Breitbart woke from his stupor and happened to look down. "Well, laddie" he said to his wee little johnson. "I don't know where you've been. But it appears you've won first prize."

  15. zoolanoid

    Question: He's wearing a blue ribbon on his belt. Any idea what the Ghostbart might have won?

  16. tessiee

    "Look at the improperly foreshortened arm, which would have left Ghost Andrew Breitbart with little 18-inch-long stub arms that couldn’t have even reached his pockets!"

    You know who else had teensy little short arms?

          1. flamingpdog

            Hey, man, it's what I do, it's what I do. Just tryin' to edumacate all the lit majors here who always post literary references that make me scratch my head.

          2. MittBorg

            Think how I feel! A furr'nurr who misses half the pop culture references! And spells "neighbour" wrong too, at least by your book. (Puts thumb to nose, wiggles fingers at pdog)

          1. MittBorg

            It would. But you know what? I wouldn't even have to sign it, and they'd still know whom it came from. From whence it came. It's game on, wenches. Damn, I'm passing out from working too many hours in the hot sun yesterday. I was told brown people were immune.

          2. C_R_Eature

            It is difficult being a Known Prankster at work as it's well-nigh impossible to get away with anything. I am routinely blamed for all kinds of outrageous and unseemly pranks. The fact that I am responsible for most of them is beside the point.

            There's tricks to working outside in heat. You're got to remember that you've got a lower Albedo than those pallid Nordic types and it can work against you. The trick to it is to keep as much sun off you as possible – wear a big hat – loose light colored clothing (long sleeve fishing shirts are my fave) and keep a wet cloth on your neck (transfers hear from the neck artery fast). Drink a lot of water & lay off the diuretics and sports drinks. All that sun adds up and will sandbag you at the end of the day. I've been there.

          3. MittBorg

            Yes, I too am often accused of Committing Improprieties in Public. Simply shocking, I tell you, the kinds of accusations one must live with as a Known Troublemaker.

            Those are words of wisdom, dude. I wish I'd abided by them yesterday, when I slid down the hill into a patch of nettles. It's tough being a (recent) gimp — I'm used to doing everything by myself, and for myself, and it still hasn't penetrated my skull that 60-degree slopes are kinda inherently unsafe in a hilly garden. But wet cloth. I will. I used to know this shit and do it right. And I've got fire inspection coming up.

  17. __kth__

    What would be more realistic: Breitbart perched in a window on the fifth floor of a warehouse, adjusting the sight on a cheap bolt-action rifle.

    1. glamourdammerung

      It would be even more realistic if he was putting someone else up to doing it since after all, he was a pretty notorious coward.

      1. tessiee

        Also, immediately after buggering Breitbart, Satan will force Mann Coulter to blow him.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            We won't be allowing them that much fun.

            I have William F. Buckley editing Brightfart's work for accuracy, and sending it back for re-write. I figure that should pretty much take an eternity.

          2. MittBorg

            I know it sounds odd, but I take consolation in the fact that somewhere in an n-folded reality, the Ruler of Hell is posting plans on its equivalent of Wonkette as to the fates awaiting particularly unpleasant folks.

          3. MittBorg

            Ah, right. Damn it, the devil is always in the … oh, ha ha, look, you're still here. Excuse me. Have to see a man about a dog, you understand.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    I especially enjoy the tiny clouds, as though Breitbart was doing his 900-foot Jesus impersonation. The only thing I could think to add to further illuminate his character would be a squadron of little biplanes circling and firing at him.

  19. WIDTAP

    Peter Dinkladge does a much better Lord Tyrian, and is better looking too. Plus, you never see fart clouds surrounding Dinkladge.

  20. tessiee

    I feel like I'm missing out on so much by having ignored this person throughout his earthly life. The painting is called "Fight"? So this guy, with the pale, soft, doughy face, was a professional wrestler or boxer, or some kind of action movie star or something? Because the mullet and the soul patch make him look like some 40 year old loser who hangs around the shitty bar trying to pick up high school girls.

    1. Buckminster

      Or the fat 40-year-old chicken-hawk who hangs around the gay bar looking for underage boys.

    2. tessiee

      "Seriously, Baby, I was the roadie for Night Ranger."
      "Who? Oh, yeah; my Dad has their albums."
      "D'oh!"

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He looks like a cosplaying dweeb who's temporarily left momma's basement to skulk around at the ComicCon convention.

    1. MittBorg

      You mean why are they disproportional to the rest of his body? Like his stubby little arms? Or his enormous meaty biceps (no muscle, mostly fat. And sweat glands.)

    2. tessiee

      Hey, YEAH!
      Maybe he has no hands and his gloves are filled with Jello?
      I mean, because normal hands have bones in them, and the fingers don't bend that way unless you pound them into pulp with a hammer…
      *smiles*

    3. didgen

      I wondered if was just me, it isn't just that his arms are foreshortened, he apparently is missing everything from the elbows down. The artist tried to hide this by stuffing empty gloves into his sleeves.

  21. DaSandman

    Think of all the right wing fapping going on today over this. Yet in reality he is still fat, dead and probably isn't smelling very good either.

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Only thing missing is a pile of empty cans of shitty beer, pointy ears and a Hitler mustache.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    I also like how he's squinting into the sunlight — as it streams from behind him.

      1. MittBorg

        Or are his eyes buried in "boozer's bloat," the swelling of the tissues surrounding the eyeball itself, often induced by consuming too much alcohol of nights.

    1. sullivanst

      Definitely not Mars, apparently it's a moon of a gas giant.

      Or more likely, Bugnon has absolutely no comprehension whatsoever of the concepts of scale and perspective.

    2. BlueStateLibel

      But, but … the wingnuts aren't violent, it's just that all of their favorite imagery has to do with weapons and chopping people's heads off. But they're not fixated on violence, no, not at all.

    3. bagofmice

      That lens flare is positively Unreal. As if it were some video game from the 90's.

    4. HistoriBarb

      No wonder Thomas Kinkade kicked the bucket – there's a new Greatest American Artist in town.

  24. HeadsIWin

    have these fundies announced when they're coming to kill us all in are sleep already?

    1. cheetojeebus

      Years and years ago when I was an exchange student in Italy, At the University that i attended, on the wall of the stairs was the very effective slogan in 2' high letters " We will come in the night and shoot you in the mouth" I've always thought that was a very clear way of putting it.

        1. cheetojeebus

          1980, There was a lot of shit going on at the time. One time I saw a fight in the cafeteria, these two loud mouths were having a political argument that degenerated into fighting, one a communist the other a guy in a suit that was a right wing Christian Democrat, were really going at it, the marxist grabbed a bread roll and started clobbering the other guy. Italian bread rolls can be really hard btw. It was so poetic!

    2. glamourdammerung

      have these fundies announced when they're coming to kill us all in are sleep already?

      The last three and a half years of teabagger gun rampages were too subtle?

  25. ManchuCandidate

    Dead Knight on white satin, The parody never ends,
    Burgers uneaten, no more tastes to blend.
    Farce I'd always seen with these eyes before.
    Just a legacy of stupid, I just laugh some more.

    'Cos I mock you, yes I mock you, oh how I mock you.

    Glaring at people, awkward Riley on hand,
    Laughter I'm going through they can't understand.
    Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend,
    Only see what you want to be, you'll be mocked in the end.

    And I mock you, yes I mock you,
    Oh how I mock you, oh how I mock you.

    1. __kth__

      Breathe deep the fetid fumes
      That Breitbart oozes, as in life, from his tomb
      Scooter-bound followers look back and lament
      A lifetime's useless energy spent

      Kind-hearted goddess that rules the night
      And removed this raging ape from our sight
      No Kinkaide travesty on canvas of white
      Stopped you from putting a wrong to right
      Ne'er mind their illusions.

  26. Rotundo_

    Imagine what this guy could do for Jonah Goldberg; I'm thinking something in a barbarian motif with his arms around Kathryn Lopez, her ample bosom heaving. Sort of like one of those cheesy romance novel paperback covers. Maybe this is just what conservative Americans need: Bodice rippers featuring Rush and Jonah and all the others (Okay, George Will might be crossing a line, but Shawn Hannity in Armour having his way with Michelle Malkin would sell like gangbusters to them).

    1. tessiee

      "Imagine what this guy could do for Jonah Goldberg; I'm thinking something in a barbarian motif with his arms around Kathryn Lopez, her ample bosom heaving."

      With apologies to Groucho Marx… Jonah Goldberg's cleavage is much more ample than Kathryn Lopez's.

      1. Rotundo_

        Crossing the line between bad taste, horrific illustration and that hellish world that would encompass George Will in any state of undress or passion.

      1. UW8316154

        Comment from "Sherry Rogers" – 16 weeks ago

        This Chick is Packin' 2012 Calender is AWESOME! What a GREAT SURPRISE when I received it in the mail from a friend . I just received my Concealed Weapon License this past year, so the Calender was PERFECT!!!!! I am a Hairstylist in KY. So I appreciate all the tasteful pictures. It's a GREAT CONVERSATION PIECE at work and GOOD publicity for Firearms. I would like to order a Calender for all my friends that took The Concealed Weapon Class with me.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          A "…Hairstylist in KY."?
          And "I just received my Concealed Weapon License this past year…"?
          What do they do, put a gun up to the heads of their clients and say: "You're going to like this hairstyle…or else!"?

          1. tessiee

            Maybe that's why they all have mullets?
            "Yep, Ah know it done went outta style twenty year ago, but let me tell yew sumthin', bawh… When Miss Velma wants ta give yew a mullet, she's dang well *goan* give yew a mullet — and yew ain't goan argue none, neither!"

          2. MittBorg

            I'm not arguing with no crazy old bitch holding something sharp near my face.

            I wonder if that's what Mitt Romney's victim thought about as he screamed for help and wept — that this fucker and his friends had something sharp near his face, and he could lose his sight, and/or his looks, such as they were.

    1. TribecaMike

      You must need a password to see their large selection of Pony Girl merchandise.

    2. MittBorg

      According to their own site, "This is for the women who know that we don't all look like half-starved cityslicker models – and that's ok! "

      So if you really like to look at moocows packing heat — and after having seen a couple of those heifers tarted up in what THEY call "classy" and "tasteful" gear, they're the moocowiest of moocows — then this is your wank material. Personally, I suspect PeopleofWalMart has more "tasteful, classy" heifers to wank to.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        "This is for the women who know that we don't all look like half-starved cityslicker models – and that's ok! "
        Meaning: "We don't look like a bunch of healthy, under-300 pounds fags!"

        1. MittBorg

          I like my men skinny and my women with some meat on their bones. And lemme tell ya these ladies passed "meat on the bones" round about fifty cheeseburgers and a hundred pounds ago.

    3. tessiee

      "Ever wish you had a tasteful, classy calendar showing REAL women with their guns"

      They've outsnarked themselves.

      1. MittBorg

        I like how they point out that THEIR calendarful of heat-packin' heifers "won't make the wife mad." Apparently, this calendar is supposed to replace those titty pitchers Bubba likes to hang up and haw-haw with his buddies over.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            You don't understand the lingo. "Major US Holidays" is code for "No MLK day."

          2. glamourdammerung

            You don't understand the lingo. "Major US Holidays" is code for "No MLK day."

            Usually they just throw in some "Confederate Memorial Day" nonsense on that date for extra stupidity.

    4. Designer_Radio

      I can't beat this, from their site:

      Ever wish you had a tasteful, classy calendar showing REAL women with their guns – one you could show off to anyone?

    5. Biel_ze_Bubba

      MSRP $16.95, yours for $0.99

      Even in teabaggistan, they can't sell this crap.

    6. tessiee

      Thanks for the link, as I have the feeling that a Google search for "this chick is packing" would yield a drastically different result.

    1. TribecaMike

      Gotta love the equation of publicity + sales = art. Ah, capitalism — can't live with it, can't hit it over the head enough times with a shovel.

  27. cheetojeebus

    No doubt all of the trendiest pedophiles will have this painted on the side of their custom vans.

  28. bumfug

    Thomas Kinkade has already done a better one than that using a glowing lake of fire as background.

  29. Indiepalin

    I just ordered the $4,000 item plus $100 for next day delivery. But they said my credit card number is invalid.

    1. tessiee

      That's funny; I tried it, and they took your credit card number right away, with no problem.

  30. idrobny

    he looks like a putz with a suit of armor. maybe should have been in "the avengers" before he left us?

  31. tessiee

    "Look at the loving attention paid to the contours of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s fat face!"

    But I wouldn't really call him "fat", or not exactly. That's not solid fat, the kind you get from eating food; it's whiskey bloat. Even in this fawning portait, he looks dreadfully unhealthy. Look at the edema in his face, particularly around the eyes and jawline. He looks puffy and bloated, like from drinking so much that your liver and kidneys are starting to quit on you. He looks like a down comforter or a puffball mushroom. If you poked him, your finger would sink in to at least the first knuckle. His color is rotten, too, so I'm guessing he was a heavy smoker as well as a drinker.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        He should have tried the publc chin technique popularized by Ross Douthat. It works wonders for concealing a total lack of jawline.

  32. LetUsBray

    I like how, even in this idealized painting, he still looks like he just woke up face-down in a puddle of his own puke.

  33. MittBorg

    Fire the artist! He got rid of the bloated jowly unshaven filthy-beardy look that made NotSoBrightBart immediately recognizable.

          1. MittBorg

            Oh god. I remember drinking and dancing ALL FUCKING NIGHT LONG and in the morning we'd rush home, shower, change into something that didn't smell too disgustingly of cigarettes and booze, and rush to the office, put in a full day's work, and then go out carousing again that night. Just thinking about that makes me tired these days.

          2. tessiee

            If I'm remembering my misspent yute, we *never* slept. The hoodlumy kids that went to my church used to party till the bars closed on Saturday night, then go to a diner for coffee, then go to the 5:30 am Mass on Sunday.

          3. MittBorg

            Oh, we were *so* tuff, rolling up our teeshirt sleeves and sticking a pack of fags in there (really, it was because your jeans were so tight, everytime you farted it looked like a mouse was crawling down your leg). Drinking ourselves cross-eyed, and groping each other in bars full of deaf, screaming yutes being hammered by blasting loud music. What a life.

  34. paulabflat

    looks an awful lot like lord farquaad from shrek.

    the artist doesn't understand perspective.

    however.

    best. unintentional. parody. ever!

    1. stncmchnc

      I am the knight who screams stop raping people. Now behave yourself and go find me a nice shrubbery.

  35. omzig60

    The left arm is the one that is totally messed up. The left hand seems to be missing, probably lost in ye olde harde battayle. I think the right arm is long enough to get to his pants pockets if he drops his shoulder.

    I like the lighting scheme. It makes as much sense as the celestial light of a Kincaid LLC (PBUH) piece. But this pic is missing the miraculous Kincaid water, sadly. The artist should have worked in a lake mysteriously not flowing uphill.

  36. swordfis

    1. It's nice to see that in America even a Jew can be an Aryan knight.
    2. I love Richard Diebenkorn. So there.

    1. MittBorg

      Is Andrew Jewish? I know his adoptive PARENTS were, but I thought he was just some Aryan spawn who fell through the RAHOWA cracks.

          1. swordfis

            There needs to be a movie about Zische meeting his great nephew and squashing him like a bug.

  37. M. Szyslak

    Really captures the fatty goo build up in his left ventricle. A FUCKING MASTERPIECE.

  38. sharethegrief

    Bugnon didn't get Hell's lighting wrong. It's just that the devil has standards.

  39. starfanglednut

    The $4000 dollar one is 12 square feet! How will I put that on my wall, and still have room for the velvet painting of a blonde, blue eyed Jesus and the Reagan commemorative plates?

    1. HistoriBarb

      You probably have some nice ceiling space which could accommodate that painting …

      1. MittBorg

        Oy! My mind spends MOST of its time in the gutter, so, like, your sex life is gonna be SO fucking dismal with Andrew Breitbart gloating over your shoulder, or your partner's, while you pursue your increasingly elusive orgasm.

  40. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm pretty sure that now we are supposed to put him in a boat and light him on fire.

  41. el_donaldo

    Nordic kitsch – now where have we seen that before? Oh, wait, right. Yikes.

    I have a feeling this Ghost Breitbart thing isn't going to turn out so well.

    1. tessiee

      "Nordic kitsch – now where have we seen that before?"

      the first half-dozen or so Led Zeppelin albums?

  42. SudsMcKenzie

    As an avid gamer I recognize that gear;

    Sword of Douche
    Gauntlets of Bile
    Armor of the FOX

    I wanted to say it was his "Avatard", but I dont want any trouble.

    1. tessiee

      Slightly OT: Last week, The Viking and I encountered a salesperson who… did not have a good grasp of customer relations. We had a perfectly serious discussion afterwards about whether said salesperson was a Fucktard [his term] or an Asshat [mine]. And this is only one of the reasons why I love him.

      1. MittBorg

        Aww, that's so wonderful when a Wonketteer finds a Soul Mate! Congrats, and may every happiness be yours. I've been with my version of a Viking (not Vikingish at all) for 14 years now, and it's great to be *understood.*

        1. tessiee

          Well, he works in a tech field, and he actually looks like the guy in the picture, except with long blond hair instead of a shaved head, so, um… maybe a little.

      1. TribecaMike

        True that, and I humbly apologize to Da Bronx's own late and illustrious Bernard Schwartz. Here's a nice paraphrase (though comically neither author, besides James, has any idea of which part of NYC Tony Curtis grew up in; one says the west side, the other the east side. Not being from Manhattan, Tony was from neither) of an essay on Tony Curtis by Clive James in which he delved a bit into "da castle" myth, among other things. (Sorry, couldn't find the original essay on-line, though it is in James' terrific book, "Cultural Amnesia")… http://www.jewishjournal.com/hollywoodjew/item/to

          1. MittBorg

            I read something very interesting recently, that you probably have already read — I forget the name of the author, but the title was Oh, What A Blow That Phantom Gave Me!. A delightful examination of cultural symbols and how they evolve and what they evoke. It sounds as if Clive James' book will be a tasty little feast of a similar sort. Thanks for the recommendation.

          2. TribecaMike

            He's a good guy, that Clive is. And thanks for the info, which is new to me. I'll check it out.

        1. MittBorg

          In his (somewhat self-serving, it's true) biopic, Curtis refudiates that and reproduces the actual line, which differed somewhat from the reported line. However, more to the point, the actress who made the remark famous, according to Curtis, was simply indulging in a popular sport of the time, known as jewbaiting. Or Poorzbaiting, also, possibly. Admittedly, that's only his side of the story, but it does have the heft of truth to it.

  43. valthemus

    Even Breitbart's dearest friends, closest family and others who truly loved him during his life have to be pissing their pants right now laughing at this. Or getting lawyers on the phone.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Lawyers won't help … once you're dead, your image is fair game for satirists (and schlock artists.)

    1. starfanglednut

      That's what I thought! Maybe some other characters you could mouse over, and read about their role in an evil liberal plot to cause the downfall of civilization.

    2. glamourdammerung

      He is too busy being giving interviews about how President Obama was born in Kenya right now.

  44. tessiee

    Can we somehow put this painting next to the painting of Duhbya, and shake them up together, and make them fight?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I can totally see doing a riff on this, but with Dumbya in his flight suit/codpiece costume. Size them to fit a double-wide, sell 'em as a set ($50 extra for the velvet version), and you'll make a fortune.

    1. MittBorg

      I just want to point out to you that it's discounted by 80% – from ~$25 to $5. Something tells me they didn't turn out to be the bestseller the company had forecast, i.e., they'll be filing a Chapter 7 any day now.

      That's a comforting thought. Also, for the pain in your head: Enjoy.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Has anybody noticed that "Patriot Depot" has room for comments on their products — in a forum provided by Intense Debate?

      Imma gonna put my p-ness at risk there…

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh, and there's this.

      Poe's Law is in overdrive with this site … you almost have to wonder who's really behind it!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The Cain bumper stickers are "Non Residue Free".

      (And I thought it was Palin we can't seem to get clean of.)

    2. el_donaldo

      Eww. But the upside is, through the sheer repetition of it, I finally got the "Cain is Able" joke. It's a Bible thing, see.

  45. Monsieur_Grumpe

    From the Patriot Depot website….

    Our staff enjoys all the things that make America great, including: baseball, Nascar, beer, wings and target practice.

    1. TribecaMike

      This old social democrat partakes with relish of most of the things on that list, excepting I'd replace NASCAR (dullsville) with demolition derby (anarchy!). And the "thrill" of target practice is something you get over by the 8th grade, unless you're a yuppie noob who thinks there's something innately cool or macho about penetrating a sheet of paper with a small projectile while wearing earmuffs.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        They didn't say what they were using for targets. (Speed limit signs on county roads? Small mammals?)

    2. el_donaldo

      And when you show up on the website, they offer you "100 loyalty points." And I haven't even offered to take the oath yet!

    3. tessiee

      I encourage them to drink lots and lots of beer, and then have target practice.
      [tents fingertips]
      Heh heh heh…

  46. weejee

    43 ea GeeKlay printz × $4K "signed" = $172K — Conservtarded math at its very best.

    These folks are such fucking dolts they also sign-on enthusiastically for moar, much moar, massive reduction in public spending, which beloved Commie Noble Laureate Paul Krugman said just this morn will work oh so well.

    / I'd walk up to the parapet wall again, but being an olde my legs are getting tired from too many past leaps. Well maybe just once more since ski season starts again in only six months.

  47. Neoyorquino

    Also known as Breitbart the Cruel, Breitbart the Torturer, Breitbart the Despised, and Breitbart the Unholy (as well as Breitbart the Butch).

    1. YasserArraFeck

      "Sir Knight – have you just descended from your steed, or is your stance always that wide?"

    2. Neoyorquino

      I was hoping someone might pick up on the Ghostbusters reference, but then again I am rapidly becoming an Old.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He seemed a bit wimpy as Caspian … but that Tire Iron character does seem pretty tough.

  48. PrincessLou

    Andy's nose should be bright red, as it always was whenever he as in front of a camera.
    I guess that's 'artistic license.'

  49. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Everyone remember the famous HOPE poster, made iconic by Shepard Fairey — and originally snapped by Mannie Garcia? It would be delicious if this David Bugnon hack gets sued to fuck by the guy who took this shot.

  50. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    One last observation before I jump back into a bottle of Willamette Valley Pinot Noir (Jesus, it's good): The type of art people are paying four large for is called "giclée", which means, well… enjoy the Wikipedia article on your own.

    Squirt, spurt or spray.

    1. MittBorg

      You're talking Republicans, here. The biggest closeted queens on the planet. Of COURSE they pay more for squirt, spurt, or spray. That's how it's always been.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      And I thought ink-jet inks were overpriced before they got spurted!

      Charging four grand for an inkjet printout is what transforms it into "art." I wonder how much I could make peddling "art" print(out)s of crying eagles to these rubes?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I wonder if Dr. Gary North (or his copyright attorney) would like a word with these guys?

  51. glamourdammerung

    Too few chins, not enough of a drug/alcohol/impotent rage look of stupor. Also, Breitbart was a Republican, so the outfit should be more appropriate for that. Like a Nazi uniform with assless chaps.

    1/10 go back to drawing the turtle in Reader's Digest ads.

  52. glamourdammerung

    Congratulations on three months sobriety, Andy. Glad to see you finally succeeded at something.

  53. TribecaMike

    Can't say as I'll be buying a copy of Breitbart's posthumous tome "Rufies: Why Don't Clits Like Me?" (with a forward by Michelle "Rope Tricks" Malkin), but the pervs at the Heritage Foundation have pre-ordered 30,000 copies. In fact, Pat Robertson is building a mansion just to house his personal copy.

  54. Beowoof

    A real portrait would show him Tony Montana style with his face in a mountain of coke. And don't forget the copy of Mein Kampf close by.

    1. TribecaMike

      Looks like some folks have way too much time on their hands, as well as absolutely no talent. I've seen much better work on UFO sites.

  55. glamourdammerung

    I wonder if Bishop Romney or one of his fellows have baptized Breitbart's fetid corpse yet? Someone should ask him.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Even Mormons have standards. Besides, how would he ever stock his planet with BrideBarts?

  56. carlgt1

    ah yes, because it's so Valkyrie-worthy to whine "stop raping people" at hippies, and then drop dead on the sidewalk outside a pub in your middle age…..

    1. TribecaMike

      Frankly, I find it to be in extremely bad taste that anyone would make fun of the way Breitbart died, especially since I would have preferred that he met his maker choking in his own vomit while a crowd of progressives gleefully took turns kicking him in the groin.

      So, let's show a little decorum, please.

    2. tessiee

      Although, if you die at a certain age, it can't properly be called middle age, can it?

  57. C_R_Eature

    The Ballad of Brave Sir Breitbart

    Bravely bold Sir Breitbart rode forth from Elllaaayyy.
    He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Breitbart!
    He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
    Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Breitbart!

    He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
    Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
    To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
    And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Breitbart!

    His head smashed in and his heart cut out
    And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
    And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
    And his penis…

      1. C_R_Eature

        Brave Sir Breitbart ran away.
        Bravely ran away, away!
        When danger reared its ugly head,
        He bravely turned his tail and fled.
        Yes, brave Sir Breitbart turned about
        And gallantly he chickened out.
        Bravely taking to his feet
        He beat a very brave retreat,
        Bravest of the brave, Sir Breitbart!

        He is packing it in and packing it up
        And sneaking away and buggering up
        And chickening out and pissing off home,
        Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

        And there was Great Rejoicing.

          1. MittBorg

            I was introduced to them as soon as I got away from my insane mother and started living a life of my own. It was all downhill from there. I credit them with my frivolous yet ancient attitude towards sanity.

    1. MittBorg

      Was he really morbidly obese? I thought he was overweight, but not very. Perhaps 20% over his target weight, maybe a bit more. His face looked very bloated and debauched, though. And tessiee opined as how he looked as if his kidneys and liver were beginning a slow decline into malfunction, which often shows in bloating around the eyes. I don't have any *personal* knowledge of his drug and alcohol habits, but it is not unrealistic to assume that ragey personality and the public exhibitions thereof and the unhealthy bloat might have a good deal to do with substance abuse.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Good point about the morbid obesity. But in my defense, it is hard to tell since he was always doing that autistic child/drug withdrawl swaying while hunched over like he was trying to scream at his penis.

          1. glamourdammerung

            He probably DID scream at his penis, in private. Who knows, maybe in public, too.

            BEHAVE YOURSELF! QUIT RAPING PEOPLE!

            Given the Republican tendency of projection, I am just going to leave that there for folks to draw their own obvious conclusion.

  58. TribecaMike

    The Ballad of Andy Brietbart

    Come and listen to a story about a yutz named Andy
    Who spent a lot of time on schoolyards
    Handing out hard candy
    Then one day he was feeling mighty rude
    And he found out that on the internet
    He could get awfully crude

    Makin' money that is
    White folks, Texas ta-ta's

    Come back now, ya hear?
    Oh wait, he's dead. Never mind.

      1. TribecaMike

        As far as I know, Earl Scruggs was a liberal cat. But Lester Flatt, well who really knew anything about Lester, which was part of his mystery and charm. But brother, could that boy pick that gitbox!

        1. MittBorg

          I love bluegrass music. Actually, I like "folk" and "country" music of all cultures. Feel free to recommend any artist you think I should listen to. Western music is still relatively new to me, and I always enjoy hearing about new and interesting music. Even old and interesting music.

          1. TribecaMike

            I like the late Levon Helm's catch-all term, "country music." (Jesus, why are so many of the good folks "late" lately?) First off, I'd recommend the Carter family and Jimmie Rodgers, and blues greats like Son House and Blind Willie McTell, followed by Merle Travis, Merle Haggard, Loretta Lynn, Buck Owens, "Pretty Miss" Kitty Wells, and my main men Doug Sahm and Flaco Jimenez from Texas, and more recent musicians like Lucinda Williams and J.T. Van Zandt, as well as a gentleman and genius who passed away just the other day, Doc Watson, who I had the great pleasure of spending some time with in the 70's. I can think of hundreds of talented folks, few of whom got much radio airplay, but some of whom once ruled the radio, like the Carter family who were gigantic in the 20's and 30's. And there's Johnny Cash, who was a radio and TV god, but for a while couldn't get a record contract. Anybody you've gotten into lately?

          2. MittBorg

            Yes, Levon Helm is greatly favoured in these heah pahts. I might have Carter Family on my Pod, but if not, I'll give it a listen.

            I love Johnny Cash from the bottom of my heart and my wife's bottom also, as the bishop said to the actress.

            Lately? I'm revisiting the Incredible String Band, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed their music. Discovering that Mumbai HAD a jazz scene in the 50s. Mourning two other late greats — Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, and Cesaria Evora. I've been listening to Abida Parveen, who is a very talented exponent of Qawali music, but, really, there's no replacing the Fat Man. As for Cesaria Evora, is there anyone who could ever replace her? Oh, yes, and I'm looking for jongara bushi music, so if you come across any, be sure to pass it on.

          3. TribecaMike

            You have excellent taste. Ms. Evora is a household name in our household, and worshiped as the god she was. I was once in a string band that covered the Incredible String Band's "Amoeba Song," not the easiest tune to play on the washtub bass.

            Oh, Lila Downs is a name I shoulda mentioned. She's a terrific singer and bandleader from Oaxaca, Mexico. And then there's Lydia Mendoza (1916- 2007) and "Papa" Lalo Guerrero (1916-2005), both giants of American Chicano music, and both sweet people with talent to burn and tons of fascinating stories to tell.

            During my dad's memorial service a few years ago, one of his friends told a very funny story about hanging out in Tucson in 1956 with Johnny Cash and my dad one night and getting stinking drunk and tearing up the town and somehow talking themselves out of being thrown into the county jail. My old man never mentioned that story to me, which kinda pissed me off that he hadn't told me that story himself.

          4. MittBorg

            OK. I have written down those names and will seek them out.

            The Internetz is humanity's greatest invention so far. Thanks to UToobz, I can listen to music from a thousand different countries. Thank you for your contrinbution to my small fund of knowledge.

          5. TribecaMike

            And thank you, MittBorg, for both your musical suggestions and most welcome wit.

            Slay 'em with satire is my motto, and joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

          6. MittBorg

            ISB's music sounds so sweet and simple, until you try to reproduce it. Although Mike Heron's voice has nothing like the range and power of, say, Diamanda Galas, singing some of his more esoteric work is quite the exercise for the voice!

          7. TribecaMike

            As a rinky-dink singer meself, that's a secret I'd love to decipher: making the unnatural seem natural, and vice versa.

          8. MittBorg

            My teacher (who could pick out a false note in a crowd of 100 singers and skewer the offender publicly and mercilessly) said the secret was relaxation. And he certainly seemed to have mastered it because god knows the old bastard smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish and could still perform the most amazing vocal acrobatics well into his 70s.

          9. TribecaMike

            That's fantastic. I once heard Tony Bennett in a documentary say that Bing Crosby "arrived at being relaxed." A very astute and useful observation, though one of my favorite singers, Shane MacGowan, can barely arrive at standing up. I've literally seen him pushed on stage by roadies to the mic on roller skates, drunk as the proverbial skunk, and then proceed to sing like an angel for hours. Talent wins out, I suppose.

        2. tessiee

          "who really knew anything about Lester"

          He was married to Esther, and went to school for a semester.

  59. owhatever

    Buy a cheap one, frame it with a stained toilet seat, wrap it up with a bow and donate it to your local Republican Party.

    1. tessiee

      I had a friend who hated the Landover Baptist Church until he found out it wasn't real.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I see zero content on their Intense Debate-powered comment pages. We could probably bomb them with snark, and get away with it until they got pissed enough to shut down the comments section.

        Or, if we want to take a bit more trouble, we could bombard them with "conservative" comments that are so absurd that they can't quite figure out what do to about them. Like the hilarious bogus pages people have snuck into Conservapedia, they'll be protected by Poe's Law.

    1. tessiee

      "Look! There's even a newsletter you can subscribe to! "

      Your ideas intri…
      Oh, DAMN it!

      1. Pseudonymously_Joe

        The claim in the comments are that there's a dude flexing behind her, but in that case… where are her arms?

        Honestly if you hadn't said anything I wouldn't have noticed.

        1. MittBorg

          It's still a physically impossible position for the angle and the light falling on the arms. I was busy admiring her boobies myself, but something kept nagging away at the corner of my vision and suddenly, voila, came the realization that this piece belongs in the Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA).

          She could be reaching down behind and beneath her, but if those arms belong to a guy behind her who's holding that sword, he would have to be standing back-to-back with her, and then you'd see his head. The human body doesn't look like that woman's. Nice tits, though.

          1. flamingpdog

            There's also a weird ridge on the right arm just below the elbow. I think the whole thing is a composite on a number of different body elements, digitally manipulated, but not very adeptly. And actually, I'm not a tits man, but they are kind of nice. I suspect Andy's were kind of droopy.

          2. MittBorg

            Must you keep putting the image of NotSoBrightBart's floppy, saggy, hairy, droopy tits in my brain?

            Showed it to partner, who went, "Hmph. No bicep." and carried on working. He's right. The musculature is all wrong for a human body. That's one dude who shouldn't teach photoshop, ever.

  60. Biel_ze_Bubba

    For what it's worth, I called up this work of art in a Google image search, and hit "similar" — and among the more interesting hits was this, er, related image.

    1. glamourdammerung

      The same reason churches were busing people in to give Mel Gibson $8 a head to watch a film with a Jew getting the crap kicked out of him.

    2. TribecaMike

      Maybe because they think Robert Wagner composed the Ring Cycle because they kinda recognized him in the Austin Powers movies, though they weren't really sure from where, but the only part they thought was funny was the gross obese Scotsman in the second sequel?

    1. C_R_Eature

      Well, I'm hanging up my Photoshop from here on in. There's no way that can be topped.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Best comment ever re wingnuts: "[Even] iMax projectors are jealous of these people."

  61. C_R_Eature

    POP SURVEY:

    If you walked into a home and you saw this Breitbart painting hanging in the foyer would you :

    a) Stand rooted to the spot in horror
    b) Back away slowly
    c) Run
    d) Shriek and Run
    e) Scream and Leap
    f) Chuckle under your breath and scan the room for weapons
    g) Snap a cellphone photo of the painting and its owner
    h) Take off your clothes and dance
    i) Vomit
    j) Masturbate
    k) Ask for directions because you're clearly in the wrong house
    l) All of them, Katie
    m) None of them, Katie
    n) Demand Pie.
    o) Other:_______________________________________

    1. MittBorg

      a) through o), inclusive.

      Although perhaps if you were vomiting AND masturbating, you wouldn't need to ask for directions, as your hosts would immediately treat you to a hotfoot through the house and into the waiting ambulance. Yes?

      1. C_R_Eature

        I think if you were engaged in a) through o), then the hosts would most likely be bolting themselves in their Safe Room and frantically punching the 9-1-1 speed dial button.

        All in all, a busy afternoon.

    2. flamingpdog

      o) wish I'd actually obtained that concealed carry permit I had been thinking about

      1. C_R_Eature

        Forgot one:

        p) Explode in gales of uncontrollable hysterical laughter until you're forcibly removed.

  62. dandalion

    I am so glad you said something about his short arms because I just couldn't get over that! Its like those bad tattoos you see …

  63. starfanglednut

    It gets better:

    This conservative field guide will help you understand and defend conservative positions on:

    How to Reduce Poverty & Homelessness without Taxes!
    How to Improve Education & Cut Costs!
    How to Improve Healthcare & Save Money!
    How to End Racism & Give Everyone A Chance to Achieve the American Dream
    Ending War For Good
    Debunking The Fallacy of Corporate Greed
    Gun Ownership
    Abortion and Other Hot-Button Social Issues
    Freedom of Religion, Not Freedom From Religion
    How to Harvest Natural Resources & Protect the Environment
    Plus, the "Right-Wing Handbook" includes a bonus section that openly addresses the oft-repeated assertion that "Jesus was a liberal."

    Paperback, 70 pages

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Any "solutions" that are not "reduce taxes"?
      (I assume Jeebus said something, somewhere, that they construe as "blessed are the tax-cutters.")

    2. tessiee

      Beyond a certain point, it just gets frustrating, and not in a fun, snark-provoking way. Somebody posted a link on facebook "President Obama signs bill increasing benefits for veterans", and I swear one of the first three comments was, "What has Obama ever done for veterans except take away their benefits?". It's like in the Python sketch where the guy says, "This isn't an argument, it's just a series of contradictions".

    3. glamourdammerung

      And the best part is all the times they scream about how "liberals do not think for themselves" while learning to regurgitate the same tired talking points.

      1. MittBorg

        And to disprove their tired talking point, one or all thereof, all you have to do is ask them a simple, germane question about such point. The hummina-hummina that passes for an answer tells you all you need to know. It requires at least some small measure of intellectual rigour to think an issue through thoroughly enough to answer questions thereupon.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Demon Beast Invasion – The Breitbart Chronicles" coming soon to a seedy theatre behind the bus station near you.

  64. Negropolis

    I have to scroll down the page, because every time I scroll back up to the picture, I burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

    I don't understand the love of Breitbart; I guess I never will, and really, that's all right by me. If this guy was the king of the Right Blogosphere, I pity them and their ridiculous belief that he was some kind of intellectual heavyweight. I really, really do.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      These are the people who think Dumbya was the bestest preznident evah. Like zombies, they're very stupid — and as with zombies, it's horrifying when you realize how many of them there are.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Genuinely Lovely and much appreciated. But, far too lovely for this application.

            Bad Art requires Bad Music!

          2. MittBorg

            I know, isn't that a total fucking hoot? My French is far better than my Japanese (which ain't saying much), and I don't think I understood this song before, because Criterion (or maybe it's Kino?) didn't subtitle the song.

          3. MittBorg

            Zatoichi! Or, as he's called in this house, "Ichi-san!" None of Shintaro Katsu's films had the incredible production values of a Kurosawa, but Katsu did his bit to popularize the face of a certain class in Japan. Not the lives of the aristocrats, or their soldiers the samurai, but the poor and marginalized people living on the fringes of the law.

    1. flamingpdog

      13 fewer blog posts today than on the weekdays – time for peoplez to hang out and stretch the snark to the limit.

    2. UW8316154

      It's been a pleasant opportunity to focus on a single post, rather than the normal blizzard that our Editrix normally subjects us to.

      1. MittBorg

        Srsly. Someone should tell the girl she can take those "other jobs" she's talkin' about to make the bux, and we'll mind te store over here and have a good time chawin' and yarnin'.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Ha! That Rick Derringer song was probably playing on a loop in Breitbart's head every day and is a great choice.That would be a good one to overlay on the video of his STOP RAPING PEOPLE rant at CPAC.

      I got to the 4th note of Ashcroft's song and stopped it. Just couldn't face it again.

        1. C_R_Eature

          BIG TIME!! Yeah, that's it, really.

          Thanks, I forgot all about that video. I herd an interview with Peter Gabriel years ago about filming this. It took days, as I remember, because it's all Stop-Motion photography. The fish circling the platter next to his head really started to stink, under those stage lights.

          Love that Billy Ward tune! The Government was actually hip enough to ban it back then? Someone must have tipped them off.

  65. DustBowlBlues

    Patriots my ass. These assholes are patsies for the corporate cocksuckers (the old man came up with that one) who have taken over the world.

    The leftist intellectuals and hippies who have been waiting for the "real" revolution since the 1960s may finally get their wish. America is crazy. Crazy, and scary.

  66. Isyaignert

    Holeeeeee crapola!! I clicked on the article and it's true! OMFG why would someone make Breitbart look like Joan of Arc? Lay off the cheap drugs Patriot Depot (WTF?); you guys are are having a bad trip.

  67. Negropolis

    Totally OT, but the Michigan Supreme Court ruled the other day that they wouldn't be taking Detroit's marijuana legalization (one ounce of possession and use) referendum off the ballot, which pretty much means that the thing will pass. The city had been trying to block this for years; the city's election commission illegally kept it off the ballot in 2010, and it worked its way up to this verdict a few days ago. Anything that stops the prosecution of the War on Drugs is a good thing. Perhaps, now, the city willhave to find a better way to tackle issues of substance abuse when or before it happens without jailing every poor schmuck for getting caught with some smack on him or her.

    1. TribecaMike

      With more and more states and municipalities discarding their non-violent reefer laws, no wonder the prison industry is so intent on busting as many "illegals" as they can. And considering that there are fewer "wetbacks" in the US than there have been in decades, expect the prison industry to demand that we bail them out.

    2. MittBorg

      Good to hear that. This War on Drugs shit has done more harm to Teh Browns than good. Shit, it's screwed the whole country over.

    3. Negropolis

      I know why DPD was so against this: They don't get to steal people's weed, anymore, and smoke it and/or sell it themselves. Fuck 'em.

      BTW, this guy has been trying to get this on the ballot in the city since 2002, and was thwarted at every turn. Quite frankly, I'm surprised our Supreme Court followed the law. I only wish that this was being voted on in November instead of August when the boost from turnout is more needed. Still, there is a state push to get legalization on the ballot, but I doubt that one makes it. Anyway, I'll take any good social news where I can.

  68. BarackMyWorld

    OT, but, seriously…Mad Men…what the fuck? I mean…what the fucking fuck?

    Yes, like most American TV viewers, I assumed he'd give up after he couldn't get his car to start, as per TV/movie cliche usual, but…fuck.

    (And I thought the scene with Sally in the restroom would be the most graphic thing we'd see in the whole series…WRONG, not even the most graphic thing in THIS episode.)

  69. ElPinche

    If only we could find out who would lay down $4K for one of these anatomically, historically, ethnically (jew as an nordic aryan??) inaccurate feces spread on canvas.

    BTW Where are the jowls, the cocaine sweat, the size 55 cheeseburger stained Dockers, that perpetual pulsing vein of rage on his neck (that probably exploded that day), and that flushed face caused by 2 or 3 bottles of jack a day? If anything, this is an insult . The "artist" is clearly perfuming a turd.

    1. TribecaMike

      "Last Tuesday, McCotter said he would run as a write-in candidate, but today he said 'one can’t clean up a mess multitasking.'” Uh, that makes a whole heap of sense. So long, dinosaur, and enjoy multitasking as a lobbyist!

      Nevertheless, I'll light a candle for that hack in the Richard Dawkins Chapel of the Cathedral of the Holy Styrofoam Whippet.

  70. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    “To those who (are) unhappy at this news, I’m sorry; to those happy at this news, you’re welcome,” McCotter concluded.

    How about people who just think "oh, that fucking cunt with the guitar? meh."

    1. Negropolis

      I am so, so, so very disappointed that he's not going to wage his scorched earth campaign. A lot of Republicans would, but he's sane enough to realize that he or someone on his staff could very possibly end up in jail when this investigation is through so it's best to lay low.

      1. glamourdammerung

        I would not be surprised if dropping out was a condition for the state not throwing him in jail actually.

  71. TribecaMike

    Shades of the old country-western tune, "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

    Beat it, Ghost of Breitbart. It's not like more than a few dozen internet trolls even knew who you were when you were alive (if you can call that living).

    Avada Cadabra!

  72. alteredimages

    For the love of god please someone figuire out where the the mobile ipad scam popus are coming from and ban the poisoned ad! The name on the scammer changed but it is still coming through!

  73. jtgillick

    hitler picture! just like hitler nordic knight pictures!
    find one! post them together!
    say nothing
    the consies' ravings will say it all for you

  74. iburl

    We come from the land of the dense and slow,
    From the Fox-o-sphere where the bullshit flows.
    The Blather of the Cons will drive our hype to new highs,
    To fight the poor, screeching and lying: Val Jowlla, I am coming!

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      In Ailesland did the Breitbart
      A fill'ed money-dome decree :
      Where Cash, the sacred river, ran
      Through accounts measureless to man
      Down to a sunless sea.

  75. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I don't mean to beat this theme to death, but four thousand goddamn dollars for something that came off an inkjet printer…

    I am going to start a church; this job is too fucking easy, and all you have to do is learn some bible, and deny science.

  76. subsum

    Made up white heroes for stupid white trash. Very appropriate. Now, do they know Breitbart was Jewish? I'm not sure they would be down with that.

  77. BornInATrailer

    Wow, I'm really late to this party.

    I'm hoping somewhere in here someone did a "Release the Kokaine!" Clash of the Titans joke.

  78. Generation[redacted]

    Ok, sorry I was drinking by the pool all weekend and missed this. You can order a pack of postcards!

  79. neiltheblaze

    Oh please, he'd be too drunk and out of shape to lift the sword, for crissakes. He was a paunchy, drunken nobody.

    And he's dead. We all die. Big whoop.

    1. MittBorg

      I don't understand the twittering frenzy with which this culture treats death. Although it's not just THIS culture, I suppose. My mother comes from a very different culture, and was once whining to me (from her well-appointed quarters in the Old Farts' Home) about how she was going to die. I said, "Ma — NO ONE gets out alive." That shut her up for all of ten minutes.

      Srsly. All that is born, dies. We;re ALL going to die. Some of us sooner, most of us, later, but eventually, death comes to all. Even Methusaleh counted out the last of his days.

  80. GortRay

    So, this is a real, actual thing? My,my… So where's the mighty bottle of Absolut pouring down his filthy gullet?

  81. Edith_Prickly

    Wait, wait, wait – this is a real thing?? GET OUT OF HERE!! I thought one of you had just photoshopped Ghost Breitbart's head onto a still of Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones.

    Gotta say though, I'm loving the detail on his frost-tipped Viking-mullet hairdo.

  82. Wile E. Quixote

    Wow, with this poster David Bugnon has managed to demonstrate that he has even less of an idea of what the human body looks like and even less of a command of perspective than Rob Liefeld.

  83. ttommyunger

    I've got one of those. I call it a "Clit-Tickler". In Breitfart's case, it would be called a "Scrotum-Scraper", except he's dead now, right? Right…

  84. lulzmonger

    Jenkem is one hell of a drug.

    Needs more rubby-stubble.

    Also too: 701st!!!!!!!!

  85. Nostrildamus

    … 36″ x 48″ giclee on canvas, stretched and glazed …

    I'll always picture AB stretched and glazed.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Great find … we had the Breitbart photo already, so this completes the "lame mashup" verdict on this piece of trash-art.
      I'm sort of hoping lots of GOPtards cough up the four grand, leaving them with less dough to contribute here in the real world.

  86. GemlikeFlame

    The poster version wold make a great dart board (hell, even replace my well shredded Bill Gates target), but the full bleed $4K version practically demands an indoor archery/gun range to go with it. I think it's a small enough price to pay, I'll just convert this bomb shelter I've had around since the early 60s.

    I do think it's ironic that even when tarted up by a very sympathetic artist's brush, the figure still screams dimwit flaming jackass. Now, could somebody do me a Roger Ailes?

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