Wax on, wax offI have disliked Jonah Goldberg for a very long time. For starters, he wrote a bestseller a while back called Liberal Fascism. Get it?! Liberals are like fascists….WHO MURDER PEOPLE! LOLZ! STAB! KILL! NADER!!11111

I am yet to find the relationship between wanting equal rights and a strong social safety net, as well as an end to illegal wars and torture, and…fascism, but to be fair I believe it was Adolf Hitler who once said, “I will not rest until all men and woman have free access to health care!” and then something terrible about the Jews.

You see, Jonah is not very bright, but he is very tough! So tough, in fact, he wants to smash teenagers who believe in sharing!

Last week, this video of Jonah Goldberg surfaced on the Internets. In it, he goes after “youth,” and “young voters,” claiming it was a mistake to lower the voting age to 18, and insisting youth are “stupid” and “ignorant.”

“It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah.

But the kicker comes at 1:39:

“The fact that young people think socialism is better than capitalism, that’s proof of what social scientists call their stupidity and their ignorance and it’s something that conservatives have to work harder to beat out of them, either literally or figuratively as far as I’m concerned.”

This happens a lot. Tough guy conservatives go on the TV or to their right-wing hate circle jerks and talk a lot of shit because they enjoy watching shows like 24 with a finger joyously tucked into their shame holes.

The problem is they are never the ones to do anything tough. They send poor people to fight in wars they helped drum up, and then when those kids come back, they call them socialists for wanting proper mental and health care.

So I took to Twitter to give Jonah his opportunity to beat up someone who thinks socialism is better than capitalism – a 145-lb tattooed vegan progressive standup comic from Brooklyn.

I’m just like HITLER!

I know how to defend myself and am fairly confident in my skills. I box, practice Muay Thai and am obsessed with Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, which was created by brown people. Yuck!!

Jonah is roughly four weight classes heavier than me, and has many times advocated or defended torture, assassination, and wars.

Judging from this rhetoric, he is very tough and manly.

I may know some tricks, but with America-defending might like his, I think this is a pretty even fight. How can I use my jiu-jitsu if I can’t get him to the ground? I need to get past his fists of fury! And as a weak pathetic liberal, this is probably a task I won’t be able to pull off.

As a vegan, I may faint before I even make it to the ring!

I started the hashtag #jonahfightsforcharity and got fans of the podcast I co-host, Citizen Radio, involved. We are a creative, funny bunch and our show has been praised by Noam Chomsky and Janeane Garofalo! HOW MAD ARE YOU NOW, JONAH?! Okay, okay. Save the rage for fight night.

Jonah’s only response thus far has been, “I have no idea who [Jamie Kilstein] is,” which I am totally using as a press blurb.

I made it very clear I was not threatening him and I want this to be a regulated fight that will only come to fruition if he accepts my offer.

This means the fight will be three two-minute rounds, Jonah would get to wear headgear, shin guards and boxing gloves, and we can turn it into a charity event. If I win, my purse will go towards defending the men, women, and children of Palestine. If Jonah wins, he can give to any charity he wants like “Rich People For Jonah!” or “Give Jonah Money,” or whatever.

Lets put some pressure on him to actually put his jaw where his mouth is. Big men on the Internet never get called out for inciting violence and bullying. Let’s give him the opportunity to be more than a digital bully. Let’s promote a fair, safe, refereed fight to give him the chance to back up his rhetoric.

Sign the petition here.

PS – Jonah, I listened to the Glee soundtrack while writing this whole thing….and just ate a tofu scramble. And I also believe in progressive taxation. Don’t be scared, homie.

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  • Barb

    Chris Christie is Spiderman?

    • flamingpdog
      • Dashboard Buddha

        Oh look, it's that hot new crime fighting duo Camel Toe and Spider Bulge.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Chris Christie in tights would be stretching the laws of physics.

      • I don't think you can call them "tights" if they fit Chris Christie.

        • Geminisunmars

          Well, "loosies" isn't quite the right image either – at least not one I want to conjure up.

        • Butch_Wagstaff


          • I like that!

          • Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

          • ShreditorsDesk

            'Neotards'…oops he already is that.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Once he's in them, whatever they are, they're definitely tights.

          • Biely, ya kill me.

            I know, I know. You'd like to. But. We have an agreement. And I hear you're a gentleman.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Meh … I'm nothing, if not patient.

          • (mops brow nervously)

      • tessiee

        "nonsense, dear, spandex is supposed to blouse" — Niles Crane

      • tessiee

        "Chris Christie in tights would be stretching the laws of physics."

        And the tights.

      • I can almost hear the sound, something like a wet thumb being drawn across the surface of a balloon.

        • Even thinking about that sound makes my teeth hurt.

    • glamourdammerung

      Chris Christie is Spiderman?

      The person in the picture is too thin to be Christie.

    • Barb, your new avatar is almost sickeningly cute.

      • Needz moar coarse, texture-y kitty-tongue~

    • OKthennext

      Does whatever a spiderpig does.

    • C_R_Eature

      Mark your calendars: on June the 5th you'll be able to see the Transit of Christie.

      • How … touching! There are warning signs, for the naive and ignorant:

        Protect your eyes. There are several safe ways to watch Christie transit the sun.

        Rear projection screen
        Solar filtered telescope
        Disposable "eclipse shades"
        Live webcast

        I like the idea of a "Rear projection screen," although I'm hard put to decide whether there is a screen wide enough to fit Christie's rear projection.

        • C_R_Eature

          I like the idea of a "Rear projection screen," although I'm hard put to decide whether there is a screen wide enough to fit Christie's rear projection.

          The VLBA might do the trick. Those folks are used to peering at gigantic astronomical objects.

          • I can't decide whether you're an astronomer, a marine biologist, or a gearhead, in real life. Not that it matters. The VLBA looks damn good to me, man.

          • C_R_Eature

            All of them, Katie?

            BTW, I think Dewey works there!

          • I bleev you are correct.

            Science is just so … sexy.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wouldn't that be more like an eclipse?

        • C_R_Eature

          Well, yes and the shadow of those moons would be awesome.

          • Christie, Orbited By Two Moons. What a title!

            Edited to correct spelling. Can't be a spelling Nazi if you make spelling mistakes.

    • Christie as Spider-Man? No. Not Spider-Man.

  • bumfug

    Damn, @commiegirl1, that was quick!

    • Come here a minute

      This post comes with bonus cleavage!

      • Oh but I was much older then, I'm younger than that now.

  • LetUsBray

    Aww, c'mon, when Callow Goatee Boy says, "it’s something that conservatives have to work harder to beat out of them", he clearly means beat out of them WITH VOTES.

    • Beat them OFF…SOCIALIZUMS, that is!

    • Riggsveda

      And that's why he said "…either literally or figuratively…", right? Because when he says "literally", he literally means "figuratively"? Twice?

      I'm going with taking him at his word in this instance.

  • memzilla

    Check Jonah for concealed weapons first, he might try the Stand Your Ground defense offense.

  • swordfis

    Goldberg looks big but out of shape. Why don't you just mock him into submission?

    • I think he just was. Goldie, you gonna let a liberal pussy write at you like that?

    • BarackMyWorld

      So definitely not this Goldberg.

      • flamingpdog

        Clicked on the linkie and it says I don't have permission.

    • KotBR

      Because the ignorant never submit.

  • bumfug

    Goldberg actually meant to say he wants to beat off on kids.

  • flamingpdog

    “It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah.

    So when does Jonah turn 18?

    • GlowneyHouse

      I think we have a Benjamin Button type here. He must be getting younger, as he most assuredly getting duller (in every sense of the word.)

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Your name "Kill-stein" is going to be a hurdle, obviously.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Maimstein might be a little less threatening. Or maybe Lifewithoutpossibilityofparolestein.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        I like Fuckyouupstein. "What's my name? Yeah, Roscoe Fuckyouupstein." Kinda makes me want to write a screenplay so I can put that in.

        And welcome, new editor Jamie Kilstein, in case your presence has been noted here previously in my absence.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Huh? Wha? He's a new editor? I demand shirtless pics of him as proof!

      • C_R_Eature
        • That was funny.

          • C_R_Eature

            "I taught God how to play guitar."

    • It's pronounced "Kyl-schteen".

  • poorgradstudent

    This is why whenever I threaten people on the Internet I always add a disclaimer that any actual physical harm will be caused by my hired goons associates, Nic and Julius.

  • coolhandnuke

    Goldberg's rasslin name; Netayahoo.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Jonah never had a ‘miss-spent’ youth he could now look back on with fondness. Instead, his is just a miserable old fuck. Bah! Humbug!

  • FraAnima

    Today we are all Hitler.

    • LetUsBray

      You know who ELSE was Hitler?

      • Callyson

        Jonah Goldberg?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Prince Harry?

      • C_R_Eature

        Glen Beck?

      • Mel Brooks?

      • C_R_Eature

        Anthony Hopkins?

      • Bruno Ganz?

        • bagofmice

          Damn. Beat me to it!

      • MosesInvests

        Michael Palin?

        • LetUsBray

          Or Sarah Palin, if being a trailer park Hitlerette counts?

  • flamingpdog

    Jonah Goldberg deserves to turn around.

    • tessiee

      Although I hardly see the point to that, since his face and ass are interchangeable.

  • CrunchyKnee

    In thiiiiiiiis corna' hailing from Lucianne's stanky parts unknown, weighing in at 300 or so lbs., Doughy Pantload!!!11!

  • coolhandnuke

    Make it a tag team match. Kilstein and Sarah Silverman vs Goldberg and Krauthammer.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      I feel dirty just thinking about that … and I don't even know what Kilstein looks like.

      • flamingpdog

        I think you find out if you sign the petition. Unless he set up some other poor schnook to get sat on by Chris Christie.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        He's a cutie if you like smart & funny little guys (I'm 6'2" so I can say that).

      • Cute, skinny kid with face-fungus. He weighs a measly 145 lb., but he looks as if he knows his moves.

  • Johan will do what he does best…

    Squealing and running away while leaving a trail of urine and feces much like when someone asked him to join the Army due to all his warmongering during the Iraqinam mess.

    Still, I'd put $50 bucks down to watch you kick his ass (assuming he had balls.)

    • Lazy Media

      To be fair, he couldn't join the Army if he wanted to, because he's too fat to get in. Those chickenhawks who claim they didn't join up because they are defending America in a more meaningful way by being junior rightwing douchebags on Capitol Hill need a slap, though. I know plenty of highly paid conservatives who joined the Reserves and served downrange for seven months to a year.

      • Biff

        This is why we need to reinstate the draft, if we intend to keep endless wars going. In my day, they drafted fatties and made them smaller, or dead, or both. Usually both.

        • I hate to admit it, Biff, but I like the way you think.

  • Give Jonah a break. He doesn't know what literally means.

    • SexySmurf

      Or the word "science."

      Or "correlates."

      Or "salad."

      • glamourdammerung

        Or "Pulitzer".

        • C_R_Eature

          Or "Nominated".

      • BearNoLike

        He knows what mayonnaise is though, doesn't he? I mean, wow.

        • I understand it's what keeps the rolls of fat from sticking to each other.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He literally doesn't know what literally means? Is that literally what you're saying?

      • Geminisunmars

        Figuratively, he cuts quite a figure.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          His figure figuratively cuts the cheese or is that just when he opens his mouth to literally literate.

          Okay, I'm not sure what I meant by that. But, then again, I've been workin' on my gibberish.

          • tessiee

            Suffice it to say that Jonah's ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth.

          • OMG. That sounds SO New Yawk. Who can I try it on?

  • Let's see if the Loady Doughpants has the cojones (and can find them, buried among the dingleberries) to take up Jame Kilstein's challenge to go mano a porco! I just tweeted it a bazillion times, and if you have a Twitter account, you should do the same. We could make this go BIG!

    • tessiee

      OK, you grossed me out of existence wtih "dingleberries", but more than made up for that with "mano a porco", so you get an upfist.

      • Should make Rick Santorum really happy. There, he and John Cornyn (anyone remember Box-Turtle Ben?) can add one more obscenity to their list.

    • Boojum

      I added #jonahisafatpussy just for fun.

  • SaintRond

    I have a black belt in Thai Face Chewing and I'll go up against this motherfucker anywhere, anytime.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      First you'll have to chew through the goat-beard, though.

    • tessiee

      It's the same little face we all know and love — only now, it's got a whole nother little face surrounding it. [with apologies to Dorothy Parker]

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Problem is, how can you tell Jonah Goldberg's face from his ass?

      Ass-as-face or face-as-ass jokes, I've got hundreds of them!
      You've been a great audience! Try the specials!

      Where's my check?

      • bagofmice

        Can I go with gastrointestinal tract inversion?

      • More, more! All featuring Loady Doughpants!

  • 12X34X

    Signed – and passed along to many like-minded souls on F'book.

    • YEAH! Pass it on!

      • Biff

        Hi, how ya doing?

  • __kth__

    Fortunately or no, the only "shame hole" Jonah can reach is his urethra.

  • Arken

    I don't know what his parents were thinking. The whale wasn't the one named Jonah.

    • flamingpdog

      He just hates libruls because of the time he was lying on the beach and a bunch of Greenpeace volunteers kept trying to push him back in the water.

      • Arken

        Sometimes you just have to let them die.

        • flamingpdog

          And once you do, you can make them assplode.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            Whale explosions = every time Jonah Goldberg opens his chocolate-covered doughnut hole to comment on anything?

          • tessiee

            "What happened to the damn car, John?"

    • Boojum

      He is the whale who swallowed himself.

      • Arken

        If any man could do that, he'd never leave the house.

        • Boojum

          And when was the last time he left his Mom's basement, hmmmmm??

          • Arken

            Good point.

  • tessiee

    "“It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,”

    Well, if that's not the most…
    *thinks back to self, age 20*
    I mean, you can't just…
    *thinks back to self, age 18*
    OK, fine, but it's a very sweeping…
    *thinks back to self, age 16, with particular emphasis on the guy I was crazy about*
    OK, then.
    *walks away fake-casually, whistling*

    • HogeyeGrex

      Actually, there is one thing that correlates closer to stupidity, having "written" a "book" called Liberal Fascism.

      I swear your average third grader could out-think Der Löededhöesen.

      • I like Der Loededhoesen, but I'm just too lazy to look up the HTML code for umlauts.

    • I used to think there would come a time I wouldn't think back over a five year stretch and recall at least one amazingly stupid thing I did. At 65, I'm realizing it ain't gonna happen.

      • tessiee

        Uh HUH!
        *sassy head shake*
        I heard THAT, Girlfriend!

  • tessiee

    Fat turd.

  • tessiee

    This makes me so mad that I want to put on my black corset and cruel spike heels, find a chubby nerd with glasses, tie him up, and give him a sound spanking on his naughty bare hiney.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Can you hold that anger till next Sat night and then come to the Bronx Club around 7??? (And don't forget the spike heels. Pretty please?)

    • flamingpdog
    • FlyOverGirl

      What's your cover? I'm there.

  • Why am I not surprised that the doughy pantload who wants to beat up people for being liberal happens to be the same doughy pantload who accuses liberals of being fascists, and that said doughy pantload fails to see the irony in the juxtaposition of the twain.

  • SexySmurf

    If (and by "if" I mean when) he refuses to fight you, here are other things you could challenge Doughy Pantload to:

    Stair climbing race.
    Spelling bee.
    Find your penis scavenger hunt.

    Things you do NOT want to challenge Jonah the Whale to:

    Hot Pocket eating contest.
    Bad facial hair growing competition.
    Find your ass scavenger hunt.

    • tessiee

      Also, don't say "hot pocket eating contest" wtihin his hearing, or he'll find his penis.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Last time Jonah tried to find his ass, he ended up with his hands in his mouth.

    • Where are we with regard to toilet scrubbing?

      • We haven't scrubbed one with him yet. That facial hair should work like a brush, no?

  • sbj1964

    Right wing Christian fundamentalist voting for a Mormon? They are all nothing but a Judah's.30 pieces of silver for Mittens!

  • Goonemeritus

    I signed your petition for what good it will do, I have found a strong negative correlation between tough talk and toughness. That said if Jonah would feel more comfortable throwing down old school I was on the fencing team at college.

    • I'll tell him.

      Although, to quote Queen Gertrude, "He's fat, and scant of breath."

  • Come here a minute

    Jonah will accept, but only if he can, as the saying goes, "bring a gun to a fistfight".

    • Something tells me he'll probably blow his balls off by accident, if he tries.

  • Fun fact for Jonah: the voting age was lowered to 18 during the Vietnam era, the feeling being that if kids that age were old enough to get drafted to go to war, they were also old enough to get a say in whether the U.S. should even be in a war to send them to in the first place. I'm going out on a limb and surmising the Doughy Pantload has never served. Or studied history. Or seen his own dick.

    • Ryy

      What a short limb you went out on…. :-D

    • FlyOverGirl

      There aren't many limbs that can support Doughy Pantload.

    • James Michael Curley

      Congress passed the amendment in late March, 1971 and it was ratified by 38 states within less than 100 days and certified as an amendment to the constitution on July 1, 1971. Previously Congress passed a law requiring the states to accept the registration of voters at 18 and Oregon responded by passing a low which refused to lower the voting age for state and local elections and filed suit against John Mitchell to declare the Congressional law unconstitutional. The Supreme Court somewhat held in favor of Oregon arguing in part that the federal law would result in states having to maintain two sets of registration rolls, one for those over 21 and one for those between the age of 18 and 21. I worked very hard on advocacy for this in my first year of college. I had to attend over twenty keggers getting signatures on petitions.

      • Biff

        It wasn't just the voting age that was affected, it was the age of majority for everything except drinking. I had a wicked, evil mother that wouldn't sign off on my driver's license. When the amendment was ratified I was 19 1/2, and was finally "of age" to take responsibility for my own damned self. With a hearty "fuck you, Mom", I dragged myself in a borrowed Toyota down to the DMV and got my license. Then I registered to vote. Driving seemed much more important in those days.

        • (Hugs the Biff)

        • James Michael Curley

          To a great degree, yes it gave the 18 year olds in many states the status of legal majority, but not automatically and not over all issues. The states had to provide legislative frame work to change various laws. Also, witness the long continued debate over a legal drinking age. However, something like 42 states ratified the amendment by the end of the summer of 1971 and with it most brought a lot of their other laws into sync. But the passage of the amendment only stated: “Section 1.The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.Section 2.The Congress shall have the power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.”As late as the summer of 1973 I was selling motorcycles in Pgh and we had to get the co-signature of an adult on the sale contract.

      • Damn, dood, you sacrificed greatly for the benefit of others! TWENTY keggers!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Can the undercard match be Newt Gingrich vs. a collections agent or Rush Limbaugh vs. a flight of stairs?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Michelle Bachmann vs. the voices in her head

      Lindsay Graham vs. his inner demons

      Sarah Palin vs. a bounced check

      • LetUsBray

        Wiilard Romney vs a bearish gent looking to hold him down and cut his hair.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Speaking of, my burly bear best friend says that he's coming with me to the Wonketteers' Ball! So excited! Lock up your sons — we're taking that bitch by storm!

          I recently caught his new haircut and I swear he looks like a poor man's Chris Hemsworth. If Mittens tried to cut that homo's hair he'd have about 220 pounds of pure faggotty fury bashing his face against a wall.

          • Now I wish I wuz coming, just to see you all prettied up on his arm! You just better post pitchers, is all.

  • TribecaMike

    In anticipation of this epic bout, I am drafting a letter to Rep. Michele Bachmann requesting that she prance around the ring between rounds while holding a large sign announcing the number of the next round, written in yellow highlighter of course. No revealing outfit would be required; a tent-like burqa will do quite nicely.

    • Boojum

      Lindsay Graham has volunteered.

      • TribecaMike

        Graham v. Bachmann would be a great opening bout.

    • Arkoday

      Of course the sign must be written in Swissish.

  • The thingy asked to write why I'm signing the petition:

    Why am I signing? Because anyone who writes a book called "Liberal Fascism" (which subsequently gets purchased in bulk by right-wing rags which give them away to subscribers, which leads to a synthetically inflated ranking on the NYTimes Bestseller list) should be punched in the face. Repeatedly.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Very tasteful of you not to have mentioned skullfucking. Because I would've…been tempted to have.

  • oedipusrexryan

    I'd rather beat the nepotism out of fat boys.

  • Just remember: Hitler could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon – two coats!

    As a fellow Brooklynite (from birth) I sign your petition with pride.

  • ExecutorElassus

    I … think I may have an imaginary internet crush on Jamie Kilstein.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    First Rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about how Jonah Goldberg is a pussy.

    *cough*Jonah Goldberg is a pussy-Jonah Goldberg is a pussy-Jonah Goldberg is a pussy-Jonah Goldberg is a pussy-Jonah Goldberg is a pussy*cough*

    • tessiee


      I must be remembering wrong.
      I thought that the first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club, and the *second* rule of Fight Club is that you can talk as much as you want about how Jonah Goldberg is a fat, ugly, nose-picking, 45-year-old virgin, pussy who reaches between the folds of blubber to jerk his weenie to tentacle rape pron.

  • GemlikeFlame

    Excellent. I'm a late fifties somewhat overweight pinko with a moderate amount of Hung Gar training, and I'd love to school a couple of the Hitler Youth like little Jimmy O'Keefe. Mr. Kilstein, any possibility of a tag team match?

  • Callyson

    "My view is, they should run the–they're going to run the country some day, so we should really explain why they're so frickin' stupid about so many things"

    Yeah, because everyone knows the best way to connect with young people is by calling them idiots.


    • UnholyMoses

      They take the same approach to their minority outreach as well.

      It's almost as if the only reaching they can do is "around."

  • Sassomatic

    Oh, damn. It's gettin'' real in the Whole Foods Parkin' Lot.

  • aguacatero

    In this retelling, Jonah IS the whale.

  • ThundercatHo

    I think of love this more than anything ever posted here before. I would so put up some dineros to see this fight. My son practices Muay Thai and mixed martial arts and I have been to a few of his matches. No way Jonah the Pusswah makes it 15 seconds let alone 3 rounds. You know what? All these tough talkin' Chuck Norris wannabes need to be called out. Can't wait to hear his excuse. Whaddya think, bad back or hernia?

    • Glasses. "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, wouldja?!"

  • I will totally tag in if you need a second. 5'9" and 130lbs of liberal fury here, I aim for the nuts (got older brothers, I do what it takes to win)

  • docandraider

    Damn, I'm way older than you, bud, and *I* could take him. LOL

  • BarackMyWorld
  • pinkocommi

    Careful, Jamie Kilstein. If you get a good muay thai roundhouse kick to Jonah Goldberg's head, you may destroy his one brain cell and then he won't have any left…. Actually, I don't have a problem with that. Good plan. Proceed.

  • ttommyunger

    Seeing Jonah's name brings back old memories; like when I went behind a dumpster at a Waffle House to take a leak (the BR was out of order due to an oversized deuce) and surprised Newt Gingrich giving Lucianne Goldberg a (mini) high hard one, for America. The issue of that sweaty union was young Jonah. I'm assuming the choice of names was the feeling that the conception brought to mind the sensation of being fucked by a whale. Anyway, I digress; my point is that Jonah will put his fat ass in a ring as soon as Sean Insanity fulfills his pledge to submit to water-boarding. ps- I work out at a MMA gym and it comes in handy when one needs to separate the talkers from the doers. Ring reservations are only a phone call away and at 71, I'm still dumb enough to step in.

    • flamingpdog

      Damn, you stuck in your offer while I was offering you up downthread! I still like my idea because that way Jonah has a heart attack and you don't even have to break a sweat.

    • __kth__

      You would seem to touch upon the root of Jonah's issues. After all, it cannot have been easy as a boy, week after week, being introduced to some new "uncle", then bumping into him late at night on the way to the bathroom, tipsy and visibly priapic beneath a carelessly-tied bathrobe. Eventually, on those nights that Mom entertains "company", you learn to just stay in your room and pee in a Nehi bottle.

      • ttommyunger

        You do have a way with words; and I like the way your mind works….sort of dark and pervy.

      • Boojum

        Touching on any root of Jonah's would require spelunking gear.

  • tessiee

    "Yeah, and then I beat the crap out of this liberal, I mean I totally kicked his ass. Huh what? His name? Uh… you don't know him… he's from Canada."

  • ttommyunger

    pps- The only person I can think of who is a bigger cunt than Jonah would be Rush Limbaugh…or possibly his mother, Lucianne.

    • Any chance somebody could also beat the living shit out of Limbaugh?

      • ttommyunger

        Long overdue.

  • ttommyunger

    ppps- signed petition & forwarded to my fb.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Fight dirty. Go for his Truck Nutz.

  • glamourdammerung

    So a guy from a publication that keeps getting embarrassed over its white supremacist staff is advocating violence and voter suppression in an attempt to stifle the democratic process. But using Jonah's "logic", he is not the Nazi here if only because he was too cowardly to go fight in the wars he supported.

  • flamingpdog

    I know our good friend is definitely on the peaceful, non-violent side these days, but I still suggest that we have ttommyunger jump into the ring ahead of Kilstein just to watch the front of Jonah's shorts turn yellow and the back of his shorts turn brown.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Jonah doesn't have to step into any ring for that to happen to him.

  • chascates

    Max Cleland could beat the shit out of Jonah Goldberg.

    • flamingpdog

      Stephen Hawking could beat the shit out of Jonah Goldberg!!

      OK, intellectually, anyway.

    • Boojum

      With one arm tied behind his chair.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah.

    And Jonah — asshole is the new 20.

  • LetUsBray

    I'm guessing the oversized deuce was Neut's. It's the Waffle House's fault for not making two restrooms available to him.

    • ttommyunger

      Newt IS an oversized deuce.

  • Geminisunmars

    I just wondered – do some of you guys know Jamie Kilstein? Many of you have referred to JK as "he". I see no where in the post where he/she/it describes self other than someone with some fighting skills and "a 145-lb tattooed vegan progressive standup comic from Brooklyn. "

    • HogeyeGrex

      Check the petition page.

      • Geminisunmars


  • Blueb4sunrise

    Speaking of Downed Champions of Amerikkka. And paintings . TBOGG brings us the …………you will just NOT fucking believe it.

    • tessiee

      Needz moar burning Constitution.
      And squiggly purple nose veins.

    • Zombie Thomas Kinkade responds:
      fap fap fap fap fap fap fap…

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      4 grand for this? Really?

    • flamingpdog

      When I saw that picture I had to pause for a moment to decide what to do first – laugh or vomit.

    • C_R_Eature

      You know Who Else had their portrait painted in Medieval armour?

      • Blueb4sunrise


        edit…don't have a related music YT fer ya……was listening to this….

        • C_R_Eature

          You know, the really funny part is that painting was the very first thing that came to my mind when I saw that Breitbaritan Monstrosity. Instantly.
          Dollars to Doughnuts none of the Breitards have made that connection.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            well, I didn't know the H. painting. .. that's why I ended up with Ghostbusters………..wait, now I'm thinking of Joan of Arc…….

          • C_R_Eature

            Joan of Arc! Most Excellent.

            Methinkst we do need another Photoshop Challenge! Rebecca?

            EDIT: Dammit, TBOGG beat us to it!

        • C_R_Eature

          Love that Pink Anderson, BTW. Thanks!

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Yer welcome….took a break to stuff fried chicken in my mouth.

          • C_R_Eature

            Hope it was Good chicken!

            Here's an Apertivo for you: Joan Osborn tearing into a Motown standard I Heard it Through the Grapevine

          • Blueb4sunrise


            Legends….and she does a really good job, sings it like she means it. Despite the subject matter of IHITTG , it brings a smile. It's a great tune.

          • C_R_Eature

            There's a whole DVD/CD of these Motown tributes ans I might just have to check it out.

            I generally don't post the same artist twice in a row, but I just found this and it just about tore my head off. I know you'll like it.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Yeah, I've seen that one . ……..

            Uhhhhhhhhh, I have to be excused now…….

          • C_R_Eature


        • tessiee

          Seconded on the Pink Anderson awesomeness. I'd heard *of* him, but never heard him, so thanks.

          A few years back, I was watching a video of old blues singers that included Leadbelly. The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything, who was my boyfriend at the time, commented, "I have no idea who that guy is, but he scares the hell out of me".

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Heh, you probably never got to Howlin' Wolf footage for him…..

          • C_R_Eature

            Good thing he's not around any more, as I have an entire arsenal of things that would make The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything run screaming from your house.

            Hey, if he ever appears again – call me.

          • tessiee

            Ehhhh, I had plenty'a stuff that made him run screaming from my house: Asking him to wash a dish, look for a job, do yardwork, pay rent, etc. etc. etc.

            On the plus side, he was 23 (hence The *Boy* Who Would Not Do Anything, rather than The Man or The Guy), a dead ringer for Jude Law, brought me flowers and wrote me poetry for no reason, and loved books as much as I do — which you have to admit is one hell of a combination.

            He's unlikely to appear again, since he's married to some other sucker someone else now. He probably doesn't act that way with her, though.

    • rocktonsam

      his wife fantasized about him looking like …..oh fuck it nevermind and fuck him also

  • Guppy

    “It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,”

    So is the law-and-order conservative in favor of raising the upper age for juvenile justice?

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    I'd like to think I learned to speak (and write) gibberish after I heard Sarah Palin speak. However, I've found that I still have yet to rise (or lower?) myself to their level of word salad spinnin'.

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but teh Wonkette's favorite rock guitarist racist douchebag Illinois congressthug Joe Walsh is back in the news for being, um, well, a racist douchebag.

    • CivicHoliday

      Go git 'm Tammy

  • CivicHoliday

    I'm fearful for you, JK. Not because you won't win (you will) but that when he topples over like a giant pizza the hut, his flubber may engulf and suffocate you. I guess what I'm saying is make sure to pack a hand saw in your back pocket so you can cut out an air hole while they bring in the jaws of life.

  • C_R_Eature

    Jonah Goldberg is a talentless intellectual sloth with no genuine insight, a signature example of the Legacy Hire, sheltered in the secure hothouse of the Wingnut Welfare complex who's only able to thrive in the public domain because he's a useful tool of philosophical obfuscation for his Oligarch paymasters.

    You would be able to take down Jonah Goldberg in minutes, even if you had absolutely no hand-to-hand combat training. Simply because: Jonah has never had to fight for anything in his life and I'm willing to bet that you have.

    Good luck with this. It would be a beautiful thing to see, but I'm not holding my breath. Cowards never allow themselves to be put into situations where they have to fight for themselves.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      ya talk like a Commie. An educated COMMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      COMMIE CEPHALOPOD!!!!!!!!!COMMIE CEPHALOPOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • C_R_Eature
        • Blueb4sunrise

          I was raised Catholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And they should know!!!!

          There was link at the Chicago Trib that pdog linked to of the Hawt Catholic Nuns telling the Pope to shove it up his ass.

          • C_R_Eature

            Well, good for them. It's the Nuns that do the real dirty jobs in that institution. They've earned all the respect that they don't get from the hierarchy.

    • tessiee

      "Jonah Goldberg is a talentless intellectual sloth with no genuine insight"

      That's true of just about everybody on the right, isn't it?, and has been for years, if not decades. Coulter, Palin, O'Reilly, Kristol, Beck, Hannity… All they have in their arsenal is foaming at the mouth rants about how Obama is a space alien and liberals have fetus donuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not a thought or an idea in the bunch.

      • C_R_Eature

        I have spent years wondering just how it is that people who are so bilsteringly, blitheringly incompetent can possibly still hold down jobs until I finally realized that Blistering, Blithering Incompetence is a Feature, not a Bug.

  • rocktonsam

    this Goldturd seems important , who is he again?

    • tessiee

      You misspelled "impotent".

  • If you want to see how Jonah Goldberg really looks, don't simply google "Goldberg".

  • Jamie Kilstein, you might want to reconsider, I think Jonah "pantload" Goldberg may be in a gang, based on this photo:

    • tessiee

      I think he may *be* a gang, based on his weight.
      Guy's fat, is what I mean.

  • tessiee

    "“It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah."

    He went on to say, "Even their best examples of learning and most compelling arguments have one fatal flaw: They do not result in pie. Delicious, delicious pie, for me to eat."

    • DahBoner

      And the Bible says the value of pi is "3"….

  • I call shenanigans! That's too well written and coherent to be done by JK. I listen to Jamie and his wife Allison's podcast often and the only thing he usually contributes to it is an on-going dialog about his dick and interupting whatever the topic is to announce and give play-by-play when one of his cats walks into the room.

    Allison (who is a very talented journalist in her own right) must have written that for him.

  • I almost forgot, any time the "book" "Liberal Fascism" is brought up, this wonderfully excellent critique should be brought up also:

    Jonah Goldberg sometimes sounds sweetly reasonable. Liberals mean well, they aren’t taking us toward Auschwitz. The filiation is intellectual, not a matter of exact identity. Fascism takes a different form in each national setting (very true), and it takes a “softer form” (p. 391) in the United States. Then he drops the mask and goes on a rant. In the chapter headings and subheadings – the parts that casual readers will remember — liberals are fascists pure and simple. For example: “Franklin Roosevelt’s Fascist New Deal” (p. 121); “The Great Society: LBJ’s Fascist Utopia” (p. 329), and so on.


    This book is stuffed with references to scholarly work that make it look authoritative. But when something really surprising comes along, we look in vain for a footnote. Did Hitler really write a fan letter to that Jew-loving plutocrat FDR in 1935? No footnote. How do we know that the New Dealer Hugh Johnson read Fascist tracts, and for what purpose (p. 156)? And that FDR put a hundred thousand American citizens into camps (p. 160)? Does he mean that C.C.C.? In what sense was “deconstruction” a Nazi coinage (p. 173)? Goldberg probably means Heidegger, but he wants us to think Goebbels. Just which proponents of affirmative action claimed that their opponents were on a slippery slope to Nazi Germany and the Holocaust, and in what words (p. 243)? Exactly where and when did Al Gore say that global warming is the equivalent of the Holocaust, and what were his actual words (p. 314)? The list of bombshell remarks smuggled into this text without any reference to a credible source could go on and on.

    There's much more where that came from. An excellent screed from an expert on the subject of Fascism.

    • Madam Killjoy

      Thank you for the clicky linky. Good article.

      • You know, this is probably the third time I've read it in the last year, and I just noticed at the bottom that there's (now? or I just never noticed before…) a whole "symposium" of links about Goldberg's book. I'm just now going through them — most if not all seem to not give poor Jonah much respect.

  • Exhausted66

    Be careful, he's a Pulitzer Prize Nominee.

    (redacted, again)

  • rickmaci

    "“It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,”

    And that is literally why Conservatards love to prey on 18 year old kids, get them all stirred up and willing to go stand in front of bullets in the name of some phony cause that has nothing to do with patriotism and everything to do with jingoism.

  • jgalleg4

    Tofu power, motherfuckers!

  • As a young person I wanted to vote for Dukakis but I was only 16 (with red socialist eyes aglow…)
    Fuck You, Jonah.

  • smashedinhat

    “It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,”

    Another basic fact of science, when a flabby guy rushes you pivot out of the way and administer a push between the shoulder blades…gravity.

  • OT: Is it okay if I rumor monger a little bit this Sunday morning?

    University of Minnesota Scientist Drops Bombshell About Walker: Says He Fathered Child at Marquette <a href="

    ” target=”_blank”>

    • C_R_Eature

      Your linky is 404'ed. Was this what you posted?

      • Yes sir! Good Googling right there.

        • C_R_Eature

          Great! Just searched the entire phrase and that's the first hit that came up.

          It's been evident for some time that Scott Walker is an Asshole, but if this is true (and the Paternity test seems to prove it) then, Sweet Jesus, what an Asshole!

          I hope Scott Walker Googles this.

          • Geminisunmars

            I just tried to go to link, and it wouldn't load. Could it be that everyone is flocking to it? Wouldn't it be sweet if it affected the outcome of the race. In a negative way for Walker, that is.

          • C_R_Eature

            I just got it to link right now. Probably a lot of traffic.

            I think that as of right now, the people who are bothered by Walker being an Asshole won't vote for him and the people who aren't bothered by Walker being an asshole will vote for him. I think everyone in Wisconsin knows Walker's an asshole.

          • Geminisunmars

            No doubt you are right. But I'd like to think that there are fifteen people who would be shocked and horrified and would not vote for Walker because of it. And instead of winning by 10 votes, he goes down by 5.

      • CivicHoliday

        Dear jesus what an awful awful excuse for a human

    • ProgressiveInga

      It's OK to rumor-monger, but it's definitely NOT OK to make me think that someone actually had/has sexytime with Scott Walker. Gross.

    • proudgrampa

      HuffPo also has a story about Walker being under some criminal investigation, but it's not clear to me what he is alleged to have done.

  • DahBoner

    Watch out!

    If you challenge a Conservative to a duel, they will either run away crying or shoot you in the back…

  • SexySmurf

    OT 'Family Feud' TV host Richard Dawson dies at 79.

    Survey says, "I haz a sad."

    • Nicely put!
      I only recently learned he'd been married to Diana Dors, that chick who's featured on the cover of Smiths' "Louder than Bombs" or one of those.

      • proudgrampa

        Oh, god. Diana Dors was one of those ladies that I had fantasies about. To me, she was sexier than Jayne Mansfield or Marilyn Monroe.

  • C_R_Eature

    “It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah.

    Well actually, that would handily explain this guy.

  • C_R_Eature

    Dear Mr. Goldberg:

    We have found definitive photographic Proof of Liberal Fascism.

    Sincerely, The Editors

  • idrobny

    jonah is still attached to his mothers apron. whatever he says comes from that mean old bitch. he does not have a clear idea in his head that does not originate from "mommie!" what a "mommas boy!"

  • DocChaos

    When Goldberg speaks of literally beating the socialist stupid out of youngsters, he means hand jobs.

    Sometimes a firm hand is needed to help expel the seed of ignorance.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah.

    Untrue. Stupidity and conservatism, on the other hand? Scientific fact.

  • Biff

    Getting by, myself. Didn't meet any wild women on my trip, at least none that wanted to go home with me. Haven't found a home away from home/here yet, either. The more things stay the same, the less they change. Or something…

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So I've been watching episodes of Arrested Development again and it occurred to me that the relationship between Jonah Goldberg and his mother, Lucianne, is probably a lot like the relationship between Buster Bluth and his mother, Lucille. I can just see Jonah and Lucianne going to the Motherboy XXX dance together. It would be so cute.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    “It is a fact of science that nothing correlates closer than stupidity and youth,” said Jonah.

    Stupid shit I did as a teenager.

    Threw rocks a police car (and got caught)
    Drank Monarch tequila and diet root beer
    Got drunk on MD 20/20 and Rainier beer the night before a field training exercise and puked all over the front of my tank.
    Got drunk with some friends and went night swimming, after first jumping off of the Montlake Bridge.
    Joined the College Republicans at the University of Washington
    Voted for Ronald Reagan in 1984.

    Yeah, I guess there is a correlation between youth and stupidity.

  • jerichothedrifter

    Jonah's a li'l dumpling. He'll be gasping for breath in no time.

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