A Brief Guide To the Evil 2012 Bilderberg Conference, In Virginia

It's that time of year again, when the Global Illuminati Powerful Rich Folk gather in secret, to hide their secrets and drink dragon blood and eat gold cookies at the Bilderberg Conference. It is a very closed affair and no one in the mainstream media covers it, because everyone in the media is a pussy. Your Wonkette doesn't cover it either -- although we were thinking about getting drunk and vomiting in the Bilderberg driveway this year, should we ever bother to get up from our vomit pool of a couch -- but we do acknowledge its existence and make wild claims about it for shits and giggles. Did you know that this year, Bilderberger Elite want to enslave the human race even more than usual? It is Topic Number One on the Agenda. It is true.

Where is Bilderberg held this year?

At the swankiest palace known to mankind, "a Virginia hotel near Dulles International Airport."

What will they discuss?

Global domination and enslavement of the masses. FWIW, here is the Bilderberg Group's official history of itself. It is all lies, maybe:

Bilderberg takes its name from the hotel in Holland, where the first meeting took place in May 1954. That pioneering meeting grew out of the concern expressed by leading citizens on both sides of the Atlantic that Western Europe and North America were not working together as closely as they should on common problems of critical importance. It was felt that regular, off-the-record discussions would help create a better understanding of the complex forces and major trends affecting Western nations in the difficult post-war period.

The Cold War has now ended. But in practically all respects there are more, not fewer, common problems - from trade to jobs, from monetary policy to investment, from ecological challenges to the task of promoting international security. It is hard to think of any major issue in either Europe or North America whose unilateral solution would not have repercussions for the other.

Thus the concept of a European-American forum has not been overtaken by time. The dialogue between these two regions is still - even increasingly - critical.

Who will be there?

Let's just copy-paste the whole goddamn list, eh? There is one name that stands out, which we have emphasized for you.

Final List of Participants

FRA Castries, Henri de Chairman and CEO, AXA Group

DEU Ackermann, Josef Chairman of the Management Board and the Group Executive Committee, Deutsche Bank AG

GBR Agius, Marcus Chairman, Barclays plc

USA Ajami, Fouad Senior Fellow, The Hoover Institution, Stanford University

USA Alexander, Keith B. Commander, US Cyber Command; Director, National Security Agency

INT Almunia, Joaquín Vice-President – Commissioner for Competition, European Commission

USA Altman, Roger C. Chairman, Evercore Partners

PRT Amado, Luís Chairman, Banco Internacional do Funchal (BANIF)

NOR Andresen, Johan H. Owner and CEO, FERD

FIN Apunen, Matti Director, Finnish Business and Policy Forum EVA

TUR Babacan, Ali Deputy Prime Minister for Economic and Financial Affairs

PRT Balsemão, Francisco Pinto President and CEO, Impresa; Former Prime Minister

FRA Baverez, Nicolas Partner, Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher LLP

FRA Béchu, Christophe Senator, and Chairman, General Council of Maine-et-Loire

BEL Belgium, H.R.H. Prince Philippe of

TUR Berberoğlu, Enis Editor-in-Chief, Hürriyet Newspaper

ITA Bernabè, Franco Chairman and CEO, Telecom Italia

GBR Boles, Nick Member of Parliament

SWE Bonnier, Jonas President and CEO, Bonnier AB

NOR Brandtzæg, Svein Richard President and CEO, Norsk Hydro ASA

AUT Bronner, Oscar Publisher, Der Standard Medienwelt

SWE Carlsson, Gunilla Minister for International Development Cooperation

CAN Carney, Mark J. Governor, Bank of Canada

ESP Cebrián, Juan Luis CEO, PRISA; Chairman, El País

AUT Cernko, Willibald CEO, UniCredit Bank Austria AG

FRA Chalendar, Pierre André de Chairman and CEO, Saint-Gobain

DNK Christiansen, Jeppe CEO, Maj Invest

RUS Chubais, Anatoly B. CEO, OJSC RUSNANO

CAN Clark, W. Edmund Group President and CEO, TD Bank Group

GBR Clarke, Kenneth Member of Parliament, Lord Chancellor and Secretary of Justice

USA Collins, Timothy C. CEO and Senior Managing Director, Ripplewood Holdings, LLC

ITA Conti, Fulvio CEO and General Manager, Enel S.p.A.

USA Daniels, Jr., Mitchell E. Governor of Indiana

USA DeMuth, Christopher Distinguished Fellow, Hudson Institute

USA Donilon, Thomas E. National Security Advisor, The White House

GBR Dudley, Robert Group Chief Executive, BP plc

ITA Elkann, John Chairman, Fiat S.p.A.

DEU Enders, Thomas CEO, Airbus

USA Evans, J. Michael Vice Chairman, Global Head of Growth Markets, Goldman Sachs & Co.

AUT Faymann, Werner Federal Chancellor

DNK Federspiel, Ulrik Executive Vice President, Haldor Topsøe A/S

USA Ferguson, Niall Laurence A. Tisch Professor of History, Harvard University

GBR Flint, Douglas J. Group Chairman, HSBC Holdings plc

CHN Fu, Ying Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs

IRL Gallagher, Paul Former Attorney General; Senior Counsel

USA Gephardt, Richard A. President and CEO, Gephardt Group

GRC Giannitsis, Anastasios Former Minister of Interior; Professor of Development and International Economics, University of Athens

USA Goolsbee, Austan D. Professor of Economics, University of Chicago Booth School of Business

USA Graham, Donald E. Chairman and CEO, The Washington Post Company

ITA Gruber, Lilli Journalist – Anchorwoman, La 7 TV

INT Gucht, Karel de Commissioner for Trade, European Commission

NLD Halberstadt, Victor Professor of Economics, Leiden University; Former Honorary Secretary General of Bilderberg Meetings

USA Harris, Britt CIO, Teacher Retirement System of Texas

USA Hoffman, Reid Co-founder and Executive Chairman, LinkedIn

CHN Huang, Yiping Professor of Economics, China Center for Economic Research, Peking University

USA Huntsman, Jr., Jon M. Chairman, Huntsman Cancer Foundation

DEU Ischinger, Wolfgang Chairman, Munich Security Conference; Global Head Government Relations, Allianz SE

RUS Ivanov, Igor S. Associate member, Russian Academy of Science; President, Russian International Affairs Council

FRA Izraelewicz, Erik CEO, Le Monde

USA Jacobs, Kenneth M. Chairman and CEO, Lazard

USA Johnson, James A. Vice Chairman, Perseus, LLC

USA Jordan, Jr., Vernon E. Senior Managing Director, Lazard

USA Karp, Alexander CEO, Palantir Technologies

USA Karsner, Alexander Executive Chairman, Manifest Energy, Inc

FRA Karvar, Anousheh Inspector, Inter-ministerial Audit and Evaluation Office for Social, Health, Employment and Labor Policies

RUS Kasparov, Garry Chairman, United Civil Front (of Russia)

GBR Kerr, John Independent Member, House of Lords

USA Kerry, John Senator for Massachusetts

TUR Keyman, E. Fuat Director, Istanbul Policy Center and Professor of International Relations, Sabanci University

USA Kissinger, Henry A. Chairman, Kissinger Associates, Inc.

USA Kleinfeld, Klaus Chairman and CEO, Alcoa

TUR Koç, Mustafa Chairman, Koç Holding A.Ş.

DEU Koch, Roland CEO, Bilfinger Berger SE

INT Kodmani, Bassma Member of the Executive Bureau and Head of Foreign Affairs, Syrian National Council

USA Kravis, Henry R. Co-Chairman and Co-CEO, Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co.

USA Kravis, Marie-Josée Senior Fellow, Hudson Institute

INT Kroes, Neelie Vice President, European Commission; Commissioner for Digital Agenda

USA Krupp, Fred President, Environmental Defense Fund

INT Lamy, Pascal Director-General, World Trade Organization

ITA Letta, Enrico Deputy Leader, Democratic Party (PD)

ISR Levite, Ariel E. Nonresident Senior Associate, Carnegie Endowment for International Peace

USA Li, Cheng Director of Research and Senior Fellow, John L. Thornton China Center, Brookings Institution

USA Lipsky, John Distinguished Visiting Scholar, Johns Hopkins University

USA Liveris, Andrew N. President, Chairman and CEO, The Dow Chemical Company

DEU Löscher, Peter President and CEO, Siemens AG

USA Lynn, William J. Chairman and CEO, DRS Technologies, Inc.

GBR Mandelson, Peter Member, House of Lords; Chairman, Global Counsel

USA Mathews, Jessica T. President, Carnegie Endowment for International Peace

DEN Mchangama, Jacob Director of Legal Affairs, Center for Political Studies (CEPOS)

CAN McKenna, Frank Deputy Chair, TD Bank Group

USA Mehlman, Kenneth B. Partner, Kohlberg Kravis Roberts & Co.

GBR Micklethwait, John Editor-in-Chief, The Economist

FRA Montbrial, Thierry de President, French Institute for International Relations

PRT Moreira da Silva, Jorge First Vice-President, Partido Social Democrata (PSD)

USA Mundie, Craig J. Chief Research and Strategy Officer, Microsoft Corporation

DEU Nass, Matthias Chief International Correspondent, Die Zeit

NLD Netherlands, H.M. the Queen of the

ESP Nin Génova, Juan María Deputy Chairman and CEO, Caixabank

IRL Noonan, Michael Minister for Finance

USA Noonan, Peggy Author, Columnist, The Wall Street Journal

FIN Ollila, Jorma Chairman, Royal Dutch Shell, plc

USA Orszag, Peter R. Vice Chairman, Citigroup

GRC Papalexopoulos, Dimitri Managing Director, Titan Cement Co.

NLD Pechtold, Alexander Parliamentary Leader, Democrats ’66 (D66)

USA Perle, Richard N. Resident Fellow, American Enterprise Institute

NLD Polman, Paul CEO, Unilever PLC

CAN Prichard, J. Robert S. Chair, Torys LLP

ISR Rabinovich, Itamar Global Distinguished Professor, New York University

GBR Rachman, Gideon Chief Foreign Affairs Commentator, The Financial Times

USA Rattner, Steven Chairman, Willett Advisors LLC

CAN Redford, Alison M. Premier of Alberta

CAN Reisman, Heather M. CEO, Indigo Books & Music Inc.

DEU Reitzle, Wolfgang CEO & President, Linde AG

USA Rogoff, Kenneth S. Professor of Economics, Harvard University

USA Rose, Charlie Executive Editor and Anchor, Charlie Rose

USA Ross, Dennis B. Counselor, Washington Institute for Near East Policy

POL Rostowski, Jacek Minister of Finance

USA Rubin, Robert E. Co-Chair, Council on Foreign Relations; Former Secretary of the Treasury

NLD Rutte, Mark Prime Minister

ESP Sáenz de Santamaría Antón, Soraya Vice President and Minister for the Presidency

NLD Scheffer, Paul Professor of European Studies, Tilburg University

USA Schmidt, Eric E. Executive Chairman, Google Inc.

AUT Scholten, Rudolf Member of the Board of Executive Directors, Oesterreichische Kontrollbank AG

FRA Senard, Jean-Dominique CEO, Michelin Group

USA Shambaugh, David Director, China Policy Program, George Washington University

INT Sheeran, Josette Vice Chairman, World Economic Forum

FIN Siilasmaa, Risto Chairman of the Board of Directors, Nokia Corporation

USA Speyer, Jerry I. Chairman and Co-CEO, Tishman Speyer

CHE Supino, Pietro Chairman and Publisher, Tamedia AG

IRL Sutherland, Peter D. Chairman, Goldman Sachs International

USA Thiel, Peter A. President, Clarium Capital / Thiel Capital

TUR Timuray, Serpil CEO, Vodafone Turkey

DEU Trittin, Jürgen Parliamentary Leader, Alliance 90/The Greens

GRC Tsoukalis, Loukas President, Hellenic Foundation for European and Foreign Policy

FIN Urpilainen, Jutta Minister of Finance

CHE Vasella, Daniel L. Chairman, Novartis AG

INT Vimont, Pierre Executive Secretary General, European External Action Service

GBR Voser, Peter CEO, Royal Dutch Shell plc

SWE Wallenberg, Jacob Chairman, Investor AB

USA Warsh, Kevin Distinguished Visiting Fellow, The Hoover Institution, Stanford University

GBR Wolf, Martin H. Chief Economics Commentator, The Financial Times

USA Wolfensohn, James D. Chairman and CEO, Wolfensohn and Company

CAN Wright, Nigel S. Chief of Staff, Office of the Prime Minister

USA Yergin, Daniel Chairman, IHS Cambridge Energy Research Associates

INT Zoellick, Robert B. President, The World Bank Group

What is Peggy Noonan plotting?

Global domination and enslavement of the masses.

Who should we root for in this video of a Daily Caller jerk harassing insane annual protestor Alex Jones -- the Daily Caller jerk or Alex Jones?

Alex Jones, we guess? Let's go with "Alex Jones," ugh.