about time

Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Vows War on Texas if Elected

What are politicians promising prospective constituents in campaign ads these days, “fiscal responsibility” or some such perhaps? LAME, and also a terrible lie. Fuck that. Oklahoma Democratic candidate for Congress Rob Wallace promises not to let Texas steal any of Oklahoma’s shit, that’s what. Time somebody did that. Here, he’ll shoot at a water jug with a picture of Texas on it to prove he is serious. Video after the jump!

It’s all “Medicaid and Social Security, hell yeah” and then something something Texas is trying to steal all of Oklahoma’s water something something KABLAM. WEE-HAW!

We still can rate this ad only perhaps a six on a scale of one to Dale Peterson, because we can recognize the words in this ad as being from the English language and there is no mention of the critical scourge of yard sign stealing. But we stand behind you, Rob Wallace, because who isn’t usually feeling annoyed by Texas? [YouTube via Wonkette operative “Craig P.”]

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      1. chascates

        Fortunately most residents never leave their respective state for very long. And tourists to these areas are pretty safe if they stick close to their hotels after dusk.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      Just don't bring South Carolina into this. That's your sleeping dragon of crazy, right there.

      1. sullivanst

        Apparently a lot of people never really knew exactly what it was they were supposed to Remember.

  1. fartknocker

    Dear Oklahoma:
    There are more of us than you. And are guns are bigger.

    Have a nice day,

    1. imobannon

      Dear Texas…
      We are crazier, and as a Democrat in Oklahoma, we are probably more willing to do crazier thing.


      PS: Thank you so, so much for W. And Perry.

  2. Tommmcattt

    What is this obsession with guns? There are other ways to be murderous, you know.

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Throwing a knife would look too Middle-eastern, a karate chop too Asian and a hand grenade too European – but a flame thrower might have been even more effective.

    2. fuflans

      i grow deadly nightshade in my backyard for this very reason.

      well, that and i don't know fuck all about gardening and hate it to boot.

      still! deadly nightshade!!

    3. HogeyeGrex

      Oklahoma does have some experience with large scale urban explosions, but it might be impolitic to mention that.

    4. Joey_Blau

      none so happy as a firearm!

      as the Beatles sang.. "Happiness is a Warm Gun!"

      I am waiting for Obama's term to end and then I can buy lots of guns at cheap prices at pawn shops.

  3. Jus_Wonderin

    Hell, the Okies have to figure out how to get through our traffic hell in Dallas, first.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    There's a big ass state of Texas, that I am going to fight,
    We Okies [sic] really hate it, not just only me
    They bitched so when I fought'em all my verbal shots hit,
    And if I ever beat them, we won't ever take their shit.

  5. i_AM_ready

    This is what it's like to live in Bumfu-k. People so poor they're fighting over water, but they have plenty of money for guns.

  6. Ryy

    Is Oklahoma's slogan still "OKlahoma is OK!"?

    I mean, sure it is astoundingly clever, but it lacks ambition.

          1. Negropolis

            I stopped a Cherokee since I thought they were the most well known. lol I'm actually part Chickasaw and Choctaw.

            BTW, that section of OK is some of the most beautiful in the nation, if you ask me. The entire eastside of the state, in fact, is really something.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Maybe. But it's still the best state song of any of the other 49. Seriously–do you want to sing Oklahoma or The Eyes of Texas?

    1. MittBorg

      Oh, I'm sure they'll simply attach a migrant worker to a water container and shoot him/her to make a point. No one will know what the point IS, but they'll make it.

  7. Boojum

    I like the fact that there are Democrats who shoot and stand on God and the Bible and put Social Security and Medicare right up there with guns and the Bible.

    Of course, I still think they are ignant lubbers of Zombie Jeebus, but that's neither here nor there; they are MY ignant lubbers of Zombie Jeebus.

    1. Rotundo_

      Yup. Bubbas are just fine, so long as they are at the core decent folks: I don't care if you chew tobacco and are handy with thity-ought-six come deer season, or consider bass fishing equivalent to worship. You can do that and be just fine, and a decent, kind parent. It's when they start going nuts I get fearful of them.

  8. Serolf_Divad

    Nice, so the only way to get elected as a Democrat these days is to pretend to be even more batshit crazyee than your Republican opponent?

  9. Beowoof

    Oh man put this on pay per view on cable and you will make a fortune. I know I'll be watching.

      1. chascates

        My favorite:
        for all you obots just to see if you answer please tell me why berry had so many names a fake ssn and why when his stpe sis lea soetoro who suddenly passed like so many in berry back trail she said she,ll know this is barry once she sees the scars and the limp he got from falling from the mango tree ( berry has no limp ) aint that strange she never made it here to see if this was really the barry that they told her was her step bro

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I'm not going over there to check. But, seriously, that's a real comment?

          My god, I will NEVER be able to perfect my RW gibberish/misspellings. Those people are the true masters of it. I can't possibly compete with that.

          1. chascates

            This comment said it was edited by a moderator. This is AFTER the editing:

            In some countrys you can't even get an aspirin without a prescription.
            In the uk you can't have a tv antenna without paying a government tax or fee. They search peoples homes for hidden. Antennas.
            The only thing 99% about it is they are to young and brainwashed to know what the cold war was all about.
            They defile, spit in the face of their psrents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and everone that faught and gave their lives for the freedom they have today.
            They want to throw all of that away because they cannot comprehend in the slightest what opression and tyrany is.

        2. tessiee

          I might drink the water in Texas, and I might drink the water in Oklahoma. But will somebody pelase tell me where this guy lives, because I want to make a specific point of NOT drinking the water wherever that is.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I don't understand the origin of the Obama=SPY concept they all appear to have downloaded and are playing on repeat.

      A little help here?

      1. tessiee

        He's blah, therefore he cannot possibly be a real Amurrkin.
        Actually, it's worse than that. He's blah, and *educated*. If he were like one of those blah guys getting arrested on the 6:00 news, they'd probably like him better, because he'd confirm beliefs that they already hold.

  10. SorosBot

    If there's a war between Texas and Oklahoma, I certainly hope both sides will lose.

    1. glamourdammerung

      If there's a war between Texas and Oklahoma, I certainly hope both sides will lose.

      I would hardly be surprised if they managed it.

  11. Schmannnity

    The shooting would have been a lot more entertaining if Texas had been stealing Oklahoma's watermelons.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Rush Springs will be ready for them. Watermelon is our state vegetable, you know, and Rush Springs grows the best of the bunch.

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    I hope he plans to fight Texas over there, so he won't have to fight them over here. Oklahoma would be fine, too, I guess. But isn't that just one of the larger counties in TX, anyway?

  13. johnnyzhivago

    I'm going to run for Congress – it's settled – and I'm making ads using a flame thrower, like "when I get to congress I'm going to use my flamethrower to incinerate taxes" – and then oblitherate a pile of tax regulations. "Environmental regulations – they'll be turned to cinders on day one", etc…

  14. Baconzgood

    I do have to say the "I'm. Rob Wallace….BLAUW!!! And I appoved this message." Was pretty much a slice kick ass.

  15. Mittens Howell, III

    Typical campaign ad shoot:

    Hi, I'm a quirky dumbass … blah blah … shake up Washington … blah blah … shoot gun … blah blah .. walk off camera, French-kiss cousin.

    Hi-fives all around!

        1. sullivanst

          Yeah but if they're nukular wastelands they'll lose a bunch of Representatives come 2020.

  16. flamingpdog

    This could be the next Iran-Iraq war. I'm calling my broker and buying shares in automatic weapons and nerve gas.

  17. MissTaken

    I was just thinking we need a new war, but I'm still undecided on who I will support.

    Oklahoma and Texas, I gladly accept bribes.

  18. LiberalMantra

    The Gripes Of Wrath, whatever. Hate to see what crawls out now that he's broke Texas' water.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Halliburton thrives on carnage, Tiger. It consumes, infests, destroys, lives off the death and destruction of other species.

  19. Generation[redacted]

    Another step towards Idiocracy. Soon all campaign ads will simply be the candidate firing a truck-mounted machine gun shouting yee-haw as it tears through the countryside.

    Biggest TruckNutz takes the delegates.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Hmmmm. Anyone got a tank with a big gun on top? (Okay, so I'm not good with whatever various weapons are named). I'm thinking about running against Inhofe (R-Oil). No talking, just shootin'. A campaign okies can relate to.

      Want to be my campaign manager? Then get me that tank.

  20. SorosBot

    So Texas apparently is stealing other peoples' water now; who do they think they are, Southern California?

    1. TribecaMike

      Speaking of which, an Oklahoman pal of mine moved to Dallas in the fifties, made a bundle in oil, and retired back home in Tulsa. He may be a carpetbagger, but at least he ain't a teabagger.

  21. DustBowlBlues

    Yes, yes, I know everyone is holding their respective breaths, just waiting to see what yours truly thinks of this. Here goes:

    1) Fuck Texas
    2) FUCK TEXAS!!!!!!!!! (For any 'baggers reading this)

    3) Fuckers have been after our water for years. Fuck Texas. Stay dry, you dip shits. This is the Dust Bowl, and water is precious. The Chickasaw Nation and Choctaw Nation claim the water, based on treaty rights. But who ever paid attention to the Indians?

    HIstorical note: Oklahoma and Texas are the only two states to have declared war on each other. Their respective National Guards were lined up at the Red River bridge that both states wanted to charge tolls to cross. They had their guns ready, until FDR yelled "nationalize the fuckers" and took the authority from TX Guv and ours, Gov. Alfalfa Bill Murray.

    If I were in this guy's district, I would happily and proudly vote for him.
    Time to finish the business that Alfalfa Bill began. Boomer Sooner!

    1. chascates

      And in your area there's the Ogallala Aquifer, or what's left of it. I remember as a kid in the Texas panhandle how incredibly cold the water was coming up out of a well in someone's field. Now the water level is much lower. At least neither of us live in California's Central Valley where water is stolen from several states!

    2. Negropolis

      Well, Michigan and Ohio went to war over Toledo (thank god we didn't win), but it was never formally declared, and no one was injured. To this day, we can't stand the Buckeyes, and the Buckeyes can't stand us, and that's the way it should be.


  22. Callyson

    This is one southerner named Wallace that I can get behind…well, he's probably a blue dog so only to a point…um, so to speak…

  23. Goonemeritus

    Why can’t New York take a page out of this book? I would love to see a Governor Cuomo ad the bragged about being balls deep in New Jersey’s girlfriend.

    1. TribecaMike

      Remember when Staten Island was threatening to move to NJ? Like Jersey could afford to pay for the Molinari family's accustomed lifestyle.

  24. aklibtard

    This is just about as liberal as OK politicians gets. It's a shame because I went to OU and can tell you that Oklahoma actually does have a little hippie in it. There's a small but non-negligible part of the population that is pretty liberal. They all congregate during various music festivals, but you can find them just about everywhere. They're just do dispersed that they never have any elected representation. There's no "Oklahoma Austin".

    1. chascates

      The Red River Rivalry, commonly known as the Texas-OU Game or OU-Texas Game, is an American college football rivalry game played annually by the Oklahoma Sooners football team of the University of Oklahoma and the Texas Longhorns football team of the University of Texas.

  25. tessiee

    "Um, *sure*, you can have our water. yeah, that's the ticket. Go on, go ahead and drink it [tents fingers] muhahaha."

  26. tessiee

    [giggling in the background]
    Texas [muffled]: Shut up, it's ringing!
    Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
    Texas: This is Rob Wallace, and I just shot Texas.

  27. Negropolis

    And this is what they call a Democrat down in Oklahoma, fuck my life. I give up. We're in a fullblown idiocracy, now. So, the only way you can be for Medicare, down there, is if you're also for shooting random shit in a video…because why, again?

    If someone had actually put that ad out, up here, we'd have laughed his ass into one of the lakes.

    1. Guppy

      If you can't prove to the Bitterz that you're not going to seize their guns, they'll keep pushing for more "Stand Your Ground" laws.

  28. Wile E. Quixote

    Can we get Alabama and MIssissippi to go to war with each other? We need to figure out ways to get all of the dumb, white southern conservatives in America to auto-darwinate.

  29. TribecaMike

    Frankly, in this case I say let loose the dogs of war, but for gods sake don't let them interbreed! This country is cretinous enough as it is.

  30. ttommyunger

    I got my first shotgun at 12, my first rifle at 13, my first handgun at 15. My first job required that I be armed and just about every job since l959 has had the same requirement. Even today I go armed 24/7. I've actually shot and killed people with a gun. I don't think I've ever posed for a picture with a gun in my hand-in my fucking life. I'm calling this shit the "Lee Harvey Oswald Syndrome". I think the act of posing for an ad or pix with a gun is prima facia evidence of serious character deficiencies. This article mostly proves the point that bat-shit crazy crosses all Party Lines and that this Doofus cannot be trusted with any responsible position in or out of government.

  31. tcaalaw

    Isn't this how Cambodia ended up getting invaded by Vietnam back in the later 1970s? Picking a fight with a much larger and more heavily armed neighbor.

  32. Allmighty_Manos

    I think other countries are highly impressed by the fact our politicians use footage of themselves shooting stuff in their commercials.

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